- When George's long lost sister comes by the house, Angie tells Max that "This is one of those nights where a random stranger shows up and they find out they're related to George"
Max: "Carmen, they found ANOTHER ONE.
- Max trying to sneak Ricky out of his house in a garbage bag.
- How about later when George is trying to sneak by Angie, and decides to screw it. He grows legs and quickly runs into the backyard, yelling "I can't hear you, I'm trash!!"
- The Chicano Christmas play that George sees with his family, priceless!
- The entire argument at the end of the episode "George's Relatively Bad Idea"
- Of note, there's one point where George makes fun of Vic's red shirt and obviously died hair and mustache.
- After Benny's house burns down and everyone reads the notes sent by her neighbors.
Ernie: (reading the note) I hope you build a new house...
Angie: Well, that's not bad.
Ernie: ...But this time with the windows painted shut so you're trapped inside and burn alive like the wicked witch you are!
- Made funnier by the fact that, when asked by George who signed it (he wants to send them a Christmas card), Ernie tells them a lot of people signed and it's sort of a petition. Also funny is one of the earlier letters which reads "What the hell does God have to do to finish you off?"
- What Ernie says after before hand when Angie notices that there aren't a lot of notes sums up how her neighbors think of her.
- Speaking of Benny's house burning down:
Angie: Why don't you blow out the candles and make [Carmen being okay] your birthday wish.
(George does that)
Vic: Ernie's on the phone! Your mother's house is on fire!
George: I used my wish on Carmen, I swear!
- In "Max's Big Adventure", George isn't sure that Max should walk to school by himself. So he gets his work carpool driver to drive around and try to see if Max will get in the car. Max doesn't fall for anything, but the neighbor kid does. George says he will give the kid all the change in his pockets if he shuts up. Then, when a policeman pulls them over, the boy blurts out "He said if I keep my mouth shut, I can have what's in his pants!"
- One episode had George and a dentist fighting over who's childhood was a lot worse. Here's what the dentist said:
Dentist: My mom locked me in the closet for a day and a half just so she could go and party!
- The hilarious part was George's comeback reply:
George: Oh yeah, well my neighbor touched me inappropriately IN MY NO-NOs.
- Even better; it's immediately revealed afterward that that last one never actually happened. George just wanted to win the "who's life is worse" fight.
- In "Fishing Cubans," Vic and his brother Octavio (whom Vic and George rescued from Cuba) are drinking in the kitchen talking about what they'd like to do to Fidel Castro when George barges into the kitchen dressed as Castro, complete with jumpsuit and beard, and yells "IT'S GO TIME!", scaring Vic and Octavio out of their wits. George laughs at the two brothers, and Vic, enraged, yells "Ven aca communista!" ("Come here, you communist!") and proceeds to chase George out the kitchen.
- Three words. THIS IS GONORRHEA.
- WHAT1 HAPPENED! DURING! LUNCH?! WHAT! HAPPENED! DURING! LUNCH?!
- Benny trying to convince George to buy things from his childhood. She takes out an old teddy bear (Mr. Bear-Bear) and then makes it beg George to take it back ("She already took one eye for her dress. Help me! Heeeeelllllllpppppp me!").
- Any time Vic appears as a hallucinogenic worm.
- After Carmen threatens to get pregnant so she can legally marry Jason in another state, greatly angering the rest of the family, she sneaks down in the middle of the night to where he's sleeping on the couch, and nudges him awake. He jumps up, revealing he's sleeping with a baseball bat for protection, and yells "I didn't touch your daughter, Mr. Lopez!".
- After Jason has a roid-rage and leaves the Lopez house, George tries searching for him and fails saying:
George (as Jason): WHY GEORGE CHASE JASON? JASON WANT ALONE!
- When Marisol's boyfriend goes to the factory to find her and George confronts him.
- When George finally gets in touch with his problems with Max's school psychologist.
George: (sobbing) And then I remember my mom told me that my chicken pox was God punishing me for not making it to the potty!
Phillip: School's over. I have to go.
George: But I'm just getting started! Want to hear what happened to my first dog, Larry?
Phillip: Oh, God! No! No! No!
- George hallucinates what his life would be like if Benny was a loving mother. Once he wakes up, he ends up back at the house talking to Angie about how it made him a better person and says something like this;
George: I could be the kind of person who'd just let her break my golf clubs, but instead I'm the kind of person that goes into her car and takes this. [Pulls out a steering wheel while sporting a huge grin]
- A subtle example, but even in a world where she's a terrific mother, Benny getting drunk is a universal constant (she's just not a full on alcoholic).
George: (bewildered over Benny's friendly behavior) Are you drunk!?
Benny: Drinking before five? I don't think so!
- The following exchange:
George: I know I've said this a million times before, but this time I mean it, Angie! I am gonna KILL Carmen!
Angie: I am so tired of you not including me when it comes to parenting. (beat) WE are gonna kill Carmen!
George: So we'll have one kid left.
Angie: Max is a good boy, he'll be our future.
Max: Well, I'm off to fail the fifth grade.
George: (beat) You know, we should have let his hair grow and raise him as a dog.
- The neighborhood forms an angry mob to go after a sex offender who moved in down the street. George suggests that, when they're done with that, they get the kid that races his scooter up and down the streets. Once everyone leaves the sex offender's house, the kid rides past and everyone runs after him.
- Also, when Angie gets mad at George for giving Max the wrong advice about being attracted to a woman, Max says that he discovered how hot the predator is from the emergency flyers Angie made, leaving her in a state of silent shock while George glares at her.
George: Way to go, smut peddler.
- "No glove, no love. Van Beuren High, Go Panthers."
- When George rigs a productivity contest as payback for all the times Benny screwed him over, Benny vows to get even with him. George says she's bluffing, followed by a Smash Cut of him holding his broken golf clubs in anguish.
George: AY DIOS MIO!!! WHYYYYY?! Why couldn't you take the kids?!
- The note that came with it.
Angie: [Reading] For every day I don't get my trip to Reno, one of your loved ones will die.
- George's description of Benny's breast implants.
: These are more than just implants. The cast of Lost
is trying to find their way off the right one and the left one is hosting the Winter Olympics!
- Benny and Vic giving George and Angie almost identical advice about Carmen's questions about sex. George and Angie immediately throw their parents out of the house.
Benny: This is gonna happen one of two ways: Planned and protected or hot and spontaneous!
Benny: They both have their advantages! One way, you don't get pregnant. The other...wow.
(Angie opens the door and George throws Benny out)
Angie: Does your mom always have to be so blunt?
(Vic walks in)
Vic: Look, I didn't want to say this in front of Carmen, but this is going to happen one of two ways: Smart and with protection, or in a field of tobacco under a Cuban moon with the gunfire of revolution in the background! WOW.
(George opens the door and Angie throws Vic out)
- After Ernie installs a vent in Benny's bathroom without connecting the wiring first during the time he, George, and Max remodel it, George has this to say:
- George meeting, hugging, and dancing with H.R. Pufnstuf. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming.
: Oh, my God... OH, MY GOD. IT'S PUFNSTUF!!!!! (hugs him)
You're soft! I knew
you'd be soft!
- Which is then followed by George dancing with Pufnstuff well into the night.
Max: Is Daddy drunk?
Angie: No, Max. He's just having his first birthday party.
Max: I wish he was drunk. It would make a lot more sense.
- One episode features Angie expressing some Brutal Honesty to Carmen. It's priceless:
Carmen: I don't know why [dad] is so angry, I thought he'd be happy to get rid of me for the weekend!
Angie: Of course he would! We ALL would! That's not the point.
Carmen: So just because dad's done a lot for me, I can't accept anything from anyone? What if Harvard wants to give me a scholarship? Does that mean I can't take it?
Angie: No, you can't. You'll have to raise Max, because your father and I will have died from shock.
- An exchange between George and Benny.
George: What are you doing?
Benny: I'm taking my losing lotto scratchers, painting them over with this silver nail polish, then selling them to the neighborhood kids. I took a "lose lose" and turned it into a "win win".
George: Good. Then you can go to "hell hell".
- From "Weekend at Benny's" when George discovers that Carmen wears a thong.
George: Angie, remember when I said Carmen's virginity was hanging on by a thread? (beat) HERE'S THE THREAD!
- When Vic was engaged to a much younger woman, we get this little piece of beauty:
) Now princess... Angie AND Vic's fiancee: Yes, Daddy?
(Understandably awkward pause
Yeah, that's going in the wedding toast.