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- Magnum, locked out of the guest house (again...), trying to pick the lock as Zeus and Apollo approach.
Magnum: Look at the lock, don't look at the dogs; look at the lock, don't look at the dogs... You looked at the dogs!
- While Magnum is not particularly a Deadpan Snarker, this bit in "Don't Say Goodbye" could qualify:
Magnum: Mr. Crane, I always admired Amy's taste. Up till right now.
- In "J. 'Digger' Doyle", the ROBIN-2 car is driven back to the Masters estate by a random man who says Higgins resigned from Robin's service, purchased a one-way ticket to London, and gave the man the keys to drive the car back to the estate. The man gives an accurate description of Higgins, but Magnum and company suspect that the man had talked to an imposter, and that the real Higgins may be in trouble. Rick chimes in thusly:
Rick: Did he tip you?Man: Twenty bucks.Rick: It's NOT Higgins, Thomas.
Magnum: Higgins, you okay? It's me, Magnum.Higgins: (drowsily) Zeus, Apollo...kill.Magnum: (beat) Must be a reflex action...
- From the same episode, when they rescue a drowsy Higgins (who is under the effect of a truth serum) from a holding cell:
- In "Tropical Madness", Magnum finds himself in a fight with a sumo wrestler and a dwarf. Yes, really.
Rick: T.C.! GET THIS GUY OFFA ME!T.C.: (giggles)
- Later, when the duo help break into Robin's Nest, T.C. is able to subdue the dwarf, but Rick (offscreen) isn't faring so well with the sumo wrestler.
Higgins: Oh my GOD!!!
- When Higgins first opens the door and is greeted by a grinning T.C..
- In "Double Jeopardy", Magnum takes part in a movie shoot as a stuntman for an actor whose character gets beaten up. Later, Magnum and Higgins watch the dailies with the producers, and Higgins is seen roaring with laughter at the footage of Magnum getting his ass handed to him.
Higgins: It's delightful. And so close to reality!
- "Of Sound Mind". Where to start?
Higgins: I could have sworn I was hearing the emasculation of a large rodent.
- Magnum "playing" his saxophone and Higgins' reaction:
Rick: I saw in this movie once where they bumped off this guy for his money. They took a lawnmower, an electric lawnmower, and threw it right in the bathtub, bzzzzzzzzzz. It fried him just like that. You better take showers.Magnum: Guys!T.C.: Come to think of it, you better stay out of the kitchen too, all sorts of things can happen in there. Gas, poisoning, garbage disposals.Magnum: Garbage disposals?Rick: And look on the bright side of it pal, at least nobody's shooting at you.
- After Magnum hurts his leg:
- Disproved when someone shoots at Magnum at the masquerade party.
- Rick having to dress as Marie Antoinette.
- Magnum in his full suit of armor and his hilarious struggle to get up after he falls.
- Luther Gillis' constant referring to Artie Keanu as "Artie Canoe" in his first couple appearances, so much so that even Magnum screws it up at one point.
- "Luther Gillis: File #521", after Magnum's been grazed by a bullet.
Agatha: Oh, perhaps if you're enrolled in Jonathan's kung fu class, you might be better able to defend yourself. Right, girls?
Higgins: Oh my GOD!!!
- Then, during that same lesson, when Luther is asked to stand in during the ladies' demonstration, one of the ladies starts running towards him with her hand raised and yelling a Battle Cry. Luther, out of sheer reflexes, punches her in the face and knocks her out cold.
- "Distant Relative": Magnum and Rick describing Rick's sister to a cop. Magnum is describing a Good Bad Girl, Rick a Purity Sue. And the cop is wondering if they are talking about the same woman.
- "Rembrandt's Girl": Susan Johnson's "backup system" for getting the vault open? Suddenly banging loudly on the door and hysterically yelling "HELP!!!". Magnum is not amused.
- The Morally Bankrupt Banker of the episode gets himself soaked to the skin by the vault's fire sprinklers, which had been activated before through the keypad thanks to Magnum's faulty re-wiring. Magnum and Susan's resulting laughs are priceless.
- Higgins' "Oh. My. GOD!!!" is always hilarious, but his saying it upon being locked in the bank vault is arguably one of the funniest.
- "The Return of Luther Gillis" has plenty, starting with Luther and Lloyd DeWitt at the P.I. convention:
Luther: How is [Artie Keanu] anyway?Lloyd: Keanu? He escaped from prison three weeks ago.Luther: Great! We can nail him again!
Lloyd: Well let me tell you, that computers and electronics are the wave of the future in this industry. Foot tails and stakeouts will become as obsolete as Panama hats and the ubiquitous informants on the street. Be ready for the future, or you'll wind up in the past.Luther: Who said that?Lloyd: I did. It's in my book, Private Investigative Techniques in the Computer Age, subtitled Software and You. You can pick one up in the lobby for $7.95.Magnum: Yeah, well that's very interesting but-Luther: Sounds great! You're quite an entrepreneur. Onions extra? (starts laughing)Magnum: (dissolves into a fit of giggling)
- And when Luther doubts the usefulness of computers in private investigating.
Luther: I know what happened. It's as clear as the nose on my face. The butler got Blanche drunk, seduced her, wrote this phony kidnap note, and then ran off with her!
- When Magnum and Luther come back from the convention and discover the lads drugged and Blanche and Higgins gone:
- Magnum's experience with "Patchismo" cologne in "The Legacy of Garwood Huddle".
T.C.: You know, there's that smell again. It's smells kinda funny, like old gym shorts. You smell it Thomas?Magnum: (says nothing)T.C.: It's gettin' worse. It smells like old brussel sprouts.Magnum: Okay! Okay! Okay... It's me. Some guy gave me this sample of "Patchismo" cologne.T.C.: "Patchismo" col... Is this the same guy that gave you the "PatWax"?Magnum: Yes, and I put some on and now I can't wash it off.T.C.: Man, you should have smelled that stuff before you put it on.Magnum: It doesn't smell like anything. It's supposed to take on your own natural scent.T.C.: Heh, boy if that's your own natural scent you've got a serious problem.Magnum: Look, will you stop it please and help me find William Daniels!T.C.: Yeah, sure. You just stay down wind.
- Higgins being paired with Luther Gillis in "Luther Gillis: File #001" is a gold mine of funny lines.
Luther: Now, there's only one thing I don't understand.Higgins: Just one?
Luther: I should've never taken you with me in the first place. That was mistake number one.Higgins: The first of many.
- When they're in jail together:
Higgins: "Who you callin' a limey, boy?"
- And of course:
- "Old Acquaintance" has Magnum and his friend Goldie racing to find a stolen dolphin loaded with explosives. It's Tom Selleck's delivery of the second line that really sells it.
Makini: Unless we find Kele, it's only a matter of days before [Kele's mate] will be dead!Magnum: Maybe we can get an undercover mahi-mahi to find his hideout!
Goldie: Remember back in high school when I campaigned to outlaw football games? Remember?Magnum: Yes, I remember. You felt that football was uncivilized, that it encouraged students to acts of violence, rather than rational, intellectual discussions. So, at halftime, during the Homecoming game, you... burned down the goalposts.Goldie: It was a symbolic act.Magnum: We had to forfeit the game!Goldie: I couldn't get them to listen any other way!
- This conversation:
- Magnum's acceptance speech to the Cat Admirer's Society in "Photo Play".
Magnum: ...Anyway, I never had a cat for a pet. I never did. I don't what happened, but I had this cousin Claude, and he had this long-haired Persian. We used to play this great game with him on the kitchen linoleum. We called it "Spin the Cat". (laughs) See, you'd take the cat (chuckles) and you'd spin him around, about eight or ten times. Then see, you'd just slide him down the kitchen floor, all the way to the door (laughs). You should see the cat when he tries to walk back to you. It's great. (stunned silence from the "Cat Lovers" crowd) Oh, it didn't hurt the cat. I mean, he, no, he liked the game. No, honest. He loved it. He loved it! He used to try to get us to play it with him, all the time.
- In "Innocence... A Broad", Rick asks Magnum to fumigate his house. When Magnum and Rita show up at his house, Magnum puts on a bug mask as a prank, but when they see Rick seemingly floating lifeless in his pool note , Magnum springs into action, forgetting he has the rather grotesque mask on. Hilarity Ensues.
- "A Girl Named Sue": Magnum and Susan getting locked into a room again (twice).
Susan: I know what you're thinking, and you're right. I felt bad about ending up in a competition with a stand-up guy like Thomas. I'd always liked his style. Hmph, in fact, he had a lot to do with my deciding to join the flat-foot fraternity. But the first thing I learned at "Lucky Steele's Detective School" was that a savvy P.I. doesn't think much about the human condition. We always suspect everyone. And that's why we are so rarely disappointed. I wasn't ready to panic, but the palm on my shifting hand was starting to itch. And since my heap had the horses, I decided to use them. I had to hope the gumshoe gods were watching over me.
- Susan's Private Eye Monologue:
Higgins: Oh. My. GOD!!!
- Higgins, having accidentally rolled heavy garden equipment over a box that Magnum absentmindedly placed in its path, opens said box. Magnum flees in the Ferrari just in time, as Higgins sees the contents, a gun Magnum was trying to borrow, now in many pieces.