Funny / Longbox of the Damned

• Anytime Moarte drops his Large Ham voice and says anything in a close-to-normal tone is hilarious. For example, in the Uzumaki vol. 1 review, he states the name of the town in the story. On the possibility that he may have mispronounced the name, Moarte's response?
  Moarte: My children, I don't speak Japanese. Give me a break here.
• When talking about the Friday the 13th franchise, he mentions Jason X in a rather unimpressed manner.
  Moarte: ...Including that one where he went into space and became a killer cyborg. That happened too.
• The joke from the Uzumaki review returns in the review of Howard Lovecraft and the Frozen Kingdom.
  Moarte: What's that? I did not pronounce the city name correctly? 1.) It's how it's spelled in the book. 2.) If I don't speak Japanese, what the hell makes you think I speak Old One?
• In Poe, Moarte notes that he thinks being undead is great and that he's doing pretty well for himself. He has a table and everything!
• Moarte's utter bafflement at the Killdozer comic, opening with his usual "Hello, my children" in an unsure and confused manner. He introduces the comic saying, "I've got to admit, we've got a weird one today... It's the Killdozer comic." He later goes to say, "Admittedly, the idea of a killer bulldozer may seem silly... and it is..."
• In the Wrath of the Spectre, the Spectre's costume is just a pair of green underpants and a cape.
  Moarte: What? When you're God's angel of death and wrath and punishment and stuff, I think you're allowed to wear whatever the hell you want.
• In the Reiko the Zombie Shop review, after explaining that most necromancers can only summon one specific zombie, Moarte gives us this gem: "It's like Pokemon! But with corpses."
• The third episode for 2013 ends with him hefting a sword and declaring he's going to fight something truly scary: a tax collector. Funny on its own, but then he charges off-screen yelling, "FOR THE LONGBOX!"
• In his review of Teen Titans Annual #1, after a woman stuffs a cat in a blender, he says this.
  Moarte: Horrific, yes, but damn impressive. You ever try to get a cat to do something it doesn't want to do? The thing turns into, like, an out of control slinky or something.
• At the end of the Hellsing review for 2013, Moarte notices that there's something familiar about Alucard's name and proceeds to spell it backwards. And what does he discover?
  Moarte: BY THE LONGBOX!!! NILBOG IS GOBLIN SPELLED BACKWARDS!!! HOLY CRAP!!!
  • From the same review, he makes a not so subtle allusion to Hellsing Ultimate Abridged.
    Moarte: The ladies love big guns, particularly cannons.
• In the review of Dracula Everlasting, Moarte notes the similarity between this interpretation of Dracula and Time Lords.
  • What's even funnier is what makes him realize it, since said story has a locket containing a spirit able to reenter the body and regenerate. Sound familiar?
• The deadpan "praise" of the Deathtube joke from Zombo.
• From Star Trek Issues 4 and 5, when Moarte mentions Chekov and Sulu fencing, he adds, "Get your minds out of the gutters, children!"
• He opens the video on Captain America #326 by singing the propaganda tune from Captain America: The First Avenger.
• From the Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash sequel, a small excerpt from one sentence becomes hilarious if you are aware of the popular Yaoi ships in the Power Rangers fandom: "Jason wants Tommy..."
• In the new intro, the grave the Longbox is buried in has a tombstone that says "One More Day". There's also one that says "Here Lies Countdown".
• He opens his review of 8-Bit Zombie with "doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doot, my children."
• In the review of "Night of the Living Dead: Just a Girl" he comments that he wouldn't be surprised if Mr. Cooper's logic says that Karen caused the zombie apocalypse.
• From "Tales of Supernatural Laws" we have this:
  Moarte: Order! Order! Court is now in session, my children. Beware the creatures of the night, they have lawyers!
• The Take That! to Internet comments in The Witching Hour.
• "I am told that Man-Thing is quite giant sized. I sure hope I am the first person ever to make that joke."
• Moarte's summer attire? A bright orange Hawaiian shirt.
• For the 2016 Midsummer's Nightmare, Moarte has been replaced with a Rod Serling-esque host-complete with a calm, collected tone of voice that makes any wisecracks all the more hilarious. At least, until the end of the final episode, which sees the Host painfully transforming into Moarte himself.
• Moarte's sheer disbelief at the story of the comic Satan's Six, which had cameos by Lloyd Kaufman, Quasimodo, Jason Voorhees, and Wolf and Bird, Counselor of the Macabre. He can't even muster up his usual Incoming Ham tendencies, instead simply walking in from offscreen with a bemused scowl while idiosyncratic music plays in the background.
  Moarte: So uh... got a weird one for you today, my children. Few stories combine... er, all of the stuff that's in this one.
• Moarte reluctantly reviews a Barbie comic.
• Linkara bursts in on him during his review of the Nightmare on Elm Street: Freddy's War comics (looking for a projection of Freddy Krueger created by his preliminary opponent in the Contest of Champions).
  Linkara: Ah-HA!
  (Long beat)
  Moarte: You can go now.
  Linkara: Sorry.
  Moarte: Idiot.
• Moarte is utterly flabbergastered when he finds a Barbie comic in his box.
  Moarte: ...I feel like the trick is on me today.
  • According to Moarte, sleepwalking can be caused by a lack of sleep, or by being possessed by an immortal outer god overcome by the pointlessness of its own existence... But he wouldn't know anything about that.
• In Camp Midnight, human girl Skye bluffs to her monster campmates that she wouldn't want to show her (non-existent) real monster form, because it's "the worst kind of creature you can imagine".
  Moarte: Ahhhh... A Youtube commenter.
• In Jungi Ito's Fragments of Horror when he sees that the first story is titled Futon, he points off-screen and wonders if they're talking about "that idiot over there". Note that this episode is taking place in Linkara's new house, and the futon's new position is right near Moarte's set in the same room.
  Linkara: [off-screen] Eat a dick, Moarte!
  Moarte: Eat mine! It's seven feet long and made of spiders!
• Moarte gives a pretty nasty burn to the House of Mouse when he brings out an adaptation of one of the most famous vampire stories ever staring said Mouse:
  Moarte: Oh, great. So Disney's so obsessed with obtaining every single franchise on the planet, now they've got Dracula?! [Beat] Actually, Mickey Mouse starring as Dracula would be pretty apt.
• When the Nazi scientist in Giant Monster turns against the military he's working for, Moarte has some commentary.
  Moarte: Well, if you can't trust the Nazis... You can never trust them, they're Nazis.
• In Immortal Hulk vol. 1, when Jackie McGee and Walter Langkowski (aka the Sasquatch) hear that the Devil Hulk was last sighted in Minnesota...
  Moarte: Hey, the Hulk should have stopped in here to say hi! Better company than the other jackass who lives here...
  Linkara: [off-screen] I hate you!
  Moarte: I hate you, too! That Clive Sinclair guy is much cooler than you are!
• In The Vessel of Terror, Shania attacks Lars and Richard with a scalpel under the influence of the giant squid the crew took onboard, then mumbles afterwards that it wasn't her. Moarte comes to the obvious conclusion:
  Moarte: Oh no! The squid is a disguise artist!
• Moarte and Linkara continue to bicker Like an Old Married Couple in Bart Simpson's Treehouse of Horror #3:
  Moarte: I'm much older than I look, my children, I've gotta tell you, I'm in my prime!
  Linkara: (offscreen) You sleep most of the year.
  Moarte: And you suck all of the year!
  • The peanut gallery in the Youtube comments only makes it funnier:
    Youtube Commenter: Mom, Dad, stop yelling at each other.

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