WARNING: Spoilers are unmarked.
The 1996 film:
- When Howard is pulled over for driving on the shoulder, he has to do the walk test to prove he's sober. Then the cop orders him to recite the alphabet.Howard: [giving a "you've gotta be kidding" look] A, B, C...
Cop: Backwards.
[Howard looks thrown for a loop] - Howard tries to make amends to Jamie after he misses his karate session. First, he jovially asks his son "Are those hands registered weapons yet?" Jamie just scowls and resumes reading a comic book. Howard then spots Jamie's karate belt and ties it around his head, then starts doing karate moves, all the while letting out yells in a high-pitched voice that is altogether different from Arnold Schwarzenegger's normal voice. Jamie still isn't impressed.
- Howard's reaction after Liz asks him if he bought the TurboMan doll for Jamie earlier ("The doll?").
- As he insists to Liz that he got the TurboMan for Jamie months ago, Howard adorkably recounts all the cool features of the toy to prove it.
- He makes the Oh, Crap! look again after Liz remarks the toy will probably be sold out.
- He does it yet again in The Stinger after Liz asks him if he got her a present.
- Myron's rant in his first scene. Howard eventually holds a hand up to his own ear.Myron: See I have to shop late 'cause it's the busiest time of the year for me. All these important Christmas letters that people send to folks they don't even talk to but once a year! Not to mention, relatives sending presents they gon' have to send back anyway. How many toiletry kits does a man need? Then all of those stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole! [kid's voice] "Dear Santa, could you send me a bike and a Slinky?" No! Your father's been laid off! And as if I didn't have enough pressure in my life. My son sends me out for some like goofy-butt toy, some fruity robot named "Turtle Man."
Howard: It's TurboMan. My son wants one too.
Myron: You know it's all a ploy, don't ya?
Howard: A ploy?
Myron: Man, where have you been? Don't you watch TV?! We are being set up by rich and powerful toy cartels!
Howard: Oh, come on.
Myron: No, you got these big fat cats sit there using working class stiffs like me and you! They spend billions of dollars on TV advertisements, and then they sit there and use a subliminal message to suck your children's minds out! And I know what I'm talkin' about, because I went to junior college for a semester, and I studied psychology, so I'm right in there! I know what's going on! And then, they sit there and make your kid feel like garbage, as you the father, who's workin' 24/7, delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office but me! And then when you get the toy and it breaks and you can't fix it because it's this little cheap plastic! You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to walk up in that office, grab one of those guys [grabs a random woman] and just choke him, choke him until his eye pops out! [Myron comes to his senses after crowd protests.] ...Shouldn't wear fur. - The store employee opens the doors to the store, only to be trampled by the crowds of parents anxious to buy the TurboMan doll, complete with a shoe-print implanted on his face.Store Clerk: Whoa! [gets trampled by the crowds]
- When Howard asks a toy store employee if they have any more TurboMan action figures, the employee (Chris Parnell) dissolves into laughter, then repeats Howard's question to a co-worker, who bursts into hysterical laughter, much to Howard's annoyance. Everyone else in the store then starts laughing at Howard and Myron, with the two employees mockingly remarking on the men's lack of foresight. Myron even yells "Shut up!" in response.
- Howard, fed-up, then grabs the two employees, causing everyone to immediately stop laughing.Howard: Where's your Christmas spirit?
[The store employees smile apologetically]
Howard: [smiles] That's better. [lets them go]
- Howard, fed-up, then grabs the two employees, causing everyone to immediately stop laughing.
- After Myron shoves him out of the way in pursuit of a customer who has the last TurboMan, Howard grabs the controls of a remote-controlled truck, declares "This is war!", and drives it at Myron's feet, causing him to fall on his back. Howard then goes up to him, looks down at him, and delivers this gem:Howard: [with mock sympathy] Aw, poor baby! Heh! [heads off]
- Howard chasing after the customer, an old lady, who successfully gets away.
- The hilarious montage of Howard trying and failing many times to locate and buy a TurboMan doll. All set to upbeat Christmas music such as the song "Jingle All The Way". One of the sequences shows a store clerk and his assistant fake pity on Howard and offer him a TurboMan's sidekick Booster toy to buy instead before bursting into laughter.
- Howard going ape-shit on a TurboMan standee after a long montage of him unsuccessfully searching for a TurboMan, and everyone quickly averting their eyes from the display.
- This exchange between Howard and Ted:Howard: Ted, I need to speak to my wife. So could you get her on the phone, please?
Ted: I think she's in the shower, Howard. [smiles brightly] You want me to go check?
Howard: NO!
[Ted is disappointed and the citizens hear Howard screaming]
Howard: [calmer] I mean, no. It's fine. On your way out, just tell her I will be a few minutes late. But she shouldn't worry.
Ted: Oh, she won't worry. I mean, I'm here and— [eats cookies] Mmm. Ohhh, these COOKIES! I gotta get the recipe from Liz.
Howard: PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN! NOW!!!- Even funnier is the remix featuring the last line that can be found on YouTube.
- As the parents at the mall struggle to get a numbered ball, the overwhelmed employees get the smart idea to just throw all the numbered balls into the air for all the anxious parents. Cue Howard, Myron and the rest leaping into the air being pelted with numbered balls to the face and then all the parents diving to the floor and scrambling to get their hands on a numbered ball.
- In the struggle to get a numbered ball, Myron is strangled by one of the parents while he is gagged with the numbered ball in his mouth and Howard gets his hand bitten by a parent trying to get the numbered ball Howard is holding in his hand.
- Howard getting maced by Myron. "I-I got it! I got it! I got-" *sss!* "AAAAAAGGGHHH! HE MACED MEEE!!"
- Myron mocking Howard by doing a little victory dance after escaping the chaos with a numbered ball.
- And after that: "HE GOT TWOOOOO!! HE GOT TWOOOOO!!" "Get the mailman!"
- "Wait, that's my ball! Rodney King! ...Rodney King."
- Howard chasing after the numbered ball. From Roger Ebert's review:A kid gets the last numbered ball, Howard chases him through one of those McDonald's-style jungle gyms and eventually gets mauled by mothers who pound him with their purses while he protests, unforgettably, "I'm not a pervert! I just vas looking for a TurboMan doll!"
- As the moms attack Howard (mistaking him for a pervert), some of the kids in the ball pit are throwing colored balls at him in retaliation.
- Howard telling the mall Santa (played by James Belushi) he isn't the real Santa Claus, and the mall Santa standing up to reveal he's taller than Howard.
- The password for the black market Santa factory: "Jingle bells, Batman smells."
- This exchange:Mall Santa: Ah— That'll be three hundred.
Howard: Dollars?
Mall Santa: No, chocolate kisses. Yes, dollars! - During the warehouse fight, one Santa
approaches wielding nunchakus and making all sorts of Funny Bruce Lee Noises as he shows off his moves. After a few seconds of this, an annoyed Howard says "Shut up!" and smacks him in the face with a giant candy cane.- The giant Santa accidentally punching a midget Santa that's attacking Howard, sending him flying backward while yelling "NO!" Said giant Santa is absolutely horrified at what he's just done too ("Little buddy!") To top it all off, the giant Santa is played by Paul "The Giant" Wight.
- Howard's Bavarian Fire Drill against the cops who storm the warehouse. They demand to know who he is, thinking him to either be a civilian or one of the bootleggers. Howard grabs a toy ID badge nearby and...Howard: This must be one of the sloppiest busts I've seen in my entire career on the force. [flashes fake police badge] Detective Howard Lang, undercover. I have been working on this case for the last three years, and you guys come BARGING in here like a bunch of terrorists at a tea party! Wait until the commissioner hears about this! He is going to hit the roof! Now get your acts together, and arrest someone!
- Howard's daydream of Jamie being a loser like Myron, complete with postal get-up.Jamie: Here's to you, Dad. [drinks from a flask, and grimaces] Ugh.
- Howard's face during the entire daydream is comedy gold, as his eyes morph into massive saucers at the sight of his son in Myron's place.
- "It's just a doll. It's just a stupid, little plastic doll!"Myron: Ah-ah-ah, that's "action figure"!
- Howard and Myron's detente ends when they receive word that there's a TurboMan at a nearby radio station, and they rush to the phone booth, only for Howard to get inside and start dialing. Myron quickly gets payback when he grabs the receiver and yanks it off, laughing at Howard, who then jumps onto the mailman and manhandles him for tearing off the receiver until the diner owner tells the two men that the radio station is a few blocks away. Howard and Myron then rush out of the diner.
- Even funnier, Myron tries to call for the police into the receiver that he just disconnected.
- Myron throwing out packages as he pursues Howard to the radio station, all the while a laughing Howard recites the names of Santa' reindeer and tells Myron "I'm having a good time!"
- As Howard enters the radio station, he overhears a caller trying to name Santa's reindeer, and fails utterly.Caller: Uh, Randy, Jermaine, Tito-DJ: Nope, not even close.
- Howard's glee when he gets inside the radio station, hoping to win the TurboMan doll for giving the correct names of Santa's reindeer. He's so excited and certain of his victory that he bangs on the window of the recording studio, then actually breaks through the door and hugs the radio station DJ who yells for the police to "HELP ME!"
- "You're no better than those common letter-writers, making fun of my knee socks, and my safari hat in the summertime!"
- How quickly Howard goes from giddy triumph to horrified shock when Myron holds up the radio station with a package that he purports to be a bomb.
- The package then turns out to just be a music box that plays "Jingle Bells."
- The "You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!" look on Howard and Myron's faces when the radio station DJ says that the prize is a gift certificate for a TurboMan doll, not the doll itself. The sour music cue only makes it funnier.
- When the police corner him, Myron takes out another package which he purports is a bomb. After Myron puts the "bomb" down and makes his escape, the police quickly find out that it is a real bomb.Police Chief: Gentlemen... we've been duped. [other police officers sigh] This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package. [Tears the wrapping paper from the gift; suddenly *BOOM* explosion happens]Howard: [runs outside of the building, stops abruptly in his tracks when he hears the bomb go off, the look on his face is priceless]Myron: [after the explosion] That was really a bomb? This is a sick world we live in! Sick people!
- Thankfully, the senior police officer who had carelessly opened the package after declaring that it's not a bomb from his analysis and years on the bomb squad is only covered in soot and ruffled up, but his men aren't quick to let him live down the mistake:"How many years in the bomb squad?"
- Said vet is the same cop that's been giving and getting grief from Howard for most of the film, as just as Howard's leaving, he runs right into the guy with his gun drawn at Howard.
Police Chief: Just can't stay out of trouble, can you? - Thankfully, the senior police officer who had carelessly opened the package after declaring that it's not a bomb from his analysis and years on the bomb squad is only covered in soot and ruffled up, but his men aren't quick to let him live down the mistake:
- Howard vs. Ted's reindeer, although the confrontation largely consists of Howard fleeing from the reindeer. The sight of Arnold Schwarzenegger running from a reindeer is hysterical.
- Howard causes a housefire by toppling a small statue of one of the Three Wise Men over, causing his head to land in the fire. And while Howard tries to put the fire out and deal with the rampaging reindeer, he kicks said flaming head through the window scaring all the carollers away. The kicker is the absolutely heartbroken way Ted points out what just flew threw his window.Ted: Balthasar...
- Howard getting caught by Liz and Ted.Liz: Howard?!Howard: [awkwardly] Hi...[Liz scowls at him and heads for Ted's house]Howard: Uh-oh...
- Then he sees the fire starting up again.
- After Howard hits rock bottom, the angry reindeer makes his return. Howard is not pleased.Howard: You picked the wrong day. [punches the reindeer]
- After the reindeer groans, Howard tells him "You started it."
- An impressive moment of Black Comedy when Howard briefly overhears what happened to the parade performer who was supposed to play TurboMan, but, well...Guy: Let me just take a moment and speak for everyone when I thank you for filling in for Pete. It was a total freak accident what happened at rehearsal. We got the kinks worked out of it. The doctor said Pete showed brain activity this morning. That's a really good sign! [gives Howard a thumbs-up]
- The actor who plays Booster in the Christmas parade has some choice words for Howard when he shows up:Howard: I know you. You're Booster!
Booster Actor: Yeah, and who the hell do you think you are, Mary Poppins?! - Myron remarking to Booster that "Nobody likes you, Booster!" before hitting him.
- When Booster hits the ground below after a hit from Myron, a group of kids watching the parade decide to gang up on him and beat him up, as Myron was right — nobody likes Booster.Kid 1: You stink!
Kid 2: Fag!
Kid 3: I hate you on the show!
Booster: (trying to fend off the group of kids dog piling him) Hey! You kids! Get off your paws off me! - Jamie executing a Groin Attack on Myron who, as to generally be expected from such an attack, lets out a high-pitched squeal.Myron: What'chu gonna do now, kid?!Jaime: HIYAH! (gives him a running kick to the groin)Myron: (whinnies in pain)
- Howard, as TurboMan, attacking Myron, who's dressed up as Turbo Man's Arch-Enemy Dementor, with Turbo Discs and doing a victory dance afterward.
- "It's Turbo ti-iiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiime!" A triumphant moment made hilarious as Howard has no idea how to handle the Turbo Jet at all.
- Howard shutting off the rocket thrusters...only to start falling to the ground far below.
- "Get out of my way, box!"
- Ted (who had been hit with a canister of eggnog by Liz a few scenes earlier) finds his son Johnny after the climax, and Johnny announces that Howard is TurboMan.Ted: [eyes wide at Howard] Let's get outta here!! [drags his son along]
Johnny: Dad, you smell like barf! - And to close off the Running Gag: the same policeman from before shows up to thank Turbo Man for his heroic deeds, only to see that Turbo Man is Howard. The same Howard who he pulled over for speeding, who knocked over his police bike and knocked off his mirror, who was found right in the middle of a bomb scare at a radio station and who a half hour or so ago knocked him over, scalding the poor cop accidentally with boiling hot coffee, and who just saved the day. Naturally said cop can only gape in shock and exasperation.
- The Stinger fittingly ends the film on a comedic note:Liz: Howard, I've been thinking. Everything that you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him. And, uh... if you're willing to go through all of that for him just for a present... well, that makes me wonder...
Howard: What?Liz: (Smiling widely) What did you get me? - Meta: The TBS airing in 2020 which accidentally ended the movie early. After Howard's line "I think I'm getting the hang of thiiiis!", it suddenly cuts to the end credits. A Twitter user who recorded it added his own commentary when this happened: "And, done."
