Funny / Jingle All the Way

The 1996 film:

  • Howard tries to make amends to Jamie after he misses his karate session. First, he asks his son "Are those hands registered weapons yet?" Jamie just scowls and resumes reading a comic book. Howard then spots Jamie's karate belt and ties it around his head, then starts doing karate moves, all the while letting out yells in a high-pitched voice that is altogether different from Arnold Schwarzenegger's normal voice. Jamie still isn't impressed.
  • Howard's reaction after Liz asks him if he bought the TurboMan doll for Jamie earlier ("The doll?").
    • As he insists to Liz that he got the TurboMan for Jamie months ago, Howard adorkably recounts all the cool features of the toy to prove it.
    • He makes the look again after Liz remarks the toy will probably be sold out.
    • And does it again in The Stinger after Liz asks him if he got her a present.
  • Myron's rant in his first scene. Howard eventually holds a hand up to his ear.
    Myron: I'm late because it's the busiest time of the year for me. Christmas letters people send to folks they don't even talk to but once a year! And relatives sending gifts they'll send back anyway. How many toiletry kits does a man need? Then what? Stupid letters from kids to Santa! "Dear Santa, can you send me a bike and a Slinky?" No! Your father's laid off! As if I didn't have enough pressure in my life, my son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy, some fruity robot named "Turtle Man."
    Howard: Turbo Man. My son wants one too.
    Myron: You know it's all a ploy, don't ya?
    Howard: Huh?
    Myron: Man, where have you been? Don't you watch TV?! We are being set up by rich and powerful toy cartels! These fat cats use the working class, like me and you! They spend billions of dollars on TV advertisements and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out! And I know what I'm talkin' about, because I went to junior college, and I studied psychology for a semester, so I know what's going on! I'm right in there! And then, they make a kid feel like garbage if you, the father, who's workin' 24/7 delivering mail to make alimony payments to a woman who slept with everyone at the office but me! And then the toy breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic! You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to walk up in that office, grab one of those guys (grabs a random woman) and choke him until his eyes pop out! (Myron comes to his senses after crowd protests) ...Shouldn't wear fur.
  • When Howard asks a toy store employee if they have any more TurboMan action figures, the employee dissolves into laughter, then repeats Howard's question to a co-worker, who bursts into hysterical laughter, much to Howard's annoyance. Everyone else in the store then starts laughing at Howard and Myron.
    • Howard, fed-up, then grabs the two employees, causing everyone to immediately stop laughing.
  • After Myron shoves him out of the way in pursuit of a customer who has the last TurboMan toy, Howard grabs the controls of a remote-controlled truck ("This is war!") and drives it at Myron's feet, causing him to fall on his back. Howard then goes up to him, looks down at him, and delivers this gem:
    Howard: (with mock sympathy) Aw, poor baby! Heh! (heads off)
    • Howard chasing after the customer, who successfully gets away.
  • Howard going ape-shit on a TurboMan standee, and everyone quickly averting their eyes from the display.
    • Even funnier is the remix featuring that line that can be found on YouTube.
  • Howard getting maced by Myron. "Ha-ha, I gaht it!" *sss!* "AAAAAAGGGHHH! HE MACED MEEE!!"
    • And after that: "HE'S GOT TWOOOOOOOOOO!!! GET HIM!!!"
  • Howard chasing after the numbered ball. From Roger Ebert's review:
    A kid gets the last numbered ball, Howard chases him through one of those McDonald's-style jungle gyms and eventually gets mauled by mothers who pound him with their purses while he protests, unforgettably, "I'm not a pervert! I yust vas looking vor a TurboMan toy!"
  • Howard telling the mall Santa he isn't the real Santa Claus, and the mall Santa standing up to reveal he's taller than Howard.
  • The password for the black market Santa factory: "Jingle bells, Batman smells."
  • This exchange:
    Mall Santa: Five hundred.
    Howard: Dollars?
    Mall Santa: No, Hershey's kisses. Yes, dollars!
  • During the warehouse riot, one Santa approaches wielding nunchakus and making all sorts of "Hwaaa" noises as he shows off his moves. After a few seconds of this, an annoyed Howard says "Shut up!" and smacks him in the face with a giant candy cane.
    • The giant Santa accidentally punching a midget Santa that's attacking Howard, sending him flying backward while yelling "NO!"
  • Howard's Bavarian Fire Drill against the cops who storm the warehouse.
    Howard: You guys come BARGING in here like a bunch of terrorists at a tea party! Get your acts together! And go arrest someone!
  • Howard's daydream of Jamie being a loser like Myron, complete with postal get-up.
    Jamie: Here's to you, Dad. (drinks from a flask, and grimaces) Ugh.
    • "It's just a doll. It's just a stupid, little plastic doll!"
  • Howard and Myron's detente ends when they receive word that there's a TurboMan at a nearby radio station, and they rush to the phone booth, only for Howard to get inside and start dialing. Myron quickly gets payback when he grabs the receiver and yanks it off, laughing at Howard, who then jumps onto the mailman and manhandles him for tearing off the receiver until the diner owner tells the two men that the radio station is a few blocks away. Howard and Myron then rush out of the diner.
  • Myron throwing out packages as he pursues Howard to the radio station, all the while a laughing Howard recites the names of Santa' reindeer and tells Myron "I'm having a good time!"
  • Howard's glee when he gets inside the radio station, hoping to win the TurboMan doll for giving the correct names of Santa's reindeer. He's so excited and certain of his victory that he bangs on the window of the recording studio, then actually breaks through the door and hugs the radio station DJ who yells for the police to "HELP ME!"
  • How quickly Howard goes from giddy triumph to horrified shock when Myron holds up the radio station with a package that he purports to be a bomb.
    • The package then turns out to just be a music box that plays "Jingle Bells."
  • The You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!" look on Howard and Myron's faces when the radio station DJ says that the prize is a gift certificate for a TurboMan doll, not the doll itself. The sour music cue only makes it funnier.
  • When the police corner him, Myron takes out another package which he purports is a bomb. After Myron puts the "bomb" down and makes his escape, the police quickly find out that it is a real bomb.
    Myron: (after the explosion) That was actually a real bomb? This is a sick world we live in! Sick people!
  • When Howard hits rock bottom, the angry reindeer makes his return. Howard is not pleased.
    Howard: You picked the wrong day. (punches the reindeer)
    • After the reindeer groans, Howard tells him "You started it."
  • The actor who plays Booster in the Christmas parade has some choice words for Howard when he shows up:
    Guy: Finally! Where the hell have you been? I've been sweating like a dog in a Chinese restaurant waiting for your sorry ass to show up!
    Howard: I know you. You're Booster!
    Guy: Yeah, and who the hell do you think you are, Mary Poppins?!
  • Jamie executing a Groin Attack on Myron.
  • Howard, as TurboMan, attacking Myron, who's dressed up as Turbo Man's Arch-Enemy Dementor, with Turbo Discs and doing a victory dance afterward.
  • "It's Turbo ti-iiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiime!"
    • Howard shutting off the rocket thrusters...only to start falling to the ground far below.
  • "Get out of my way, box!"