Funny / Jim Cornette

Jim Cornette isn't a man known for his reticence, past or present. There exist numerous promos and interviews featuring him, in which you will hear some of the funniest shoot material ever. Listed below will be some of his greatest hits:

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• The Dairy Queen Incident. In 1994, after a show in Hyden, Kentucky, Cornette is riding shotgun in a van with a several wrestlers, driving back to Knoxville, and they had stopped at a Dairy Queen along the way. The line at the drive-thru was slow and backed-up, and from the time they ordered at the speaker to when they arrived at the window, a full twenty minutes had passed. When they got to the window to pay, the employee told them that they hadn't even started on the order; because it was a big order (around $40 for eight wrestlers), they thought Cornette and the group placed it as a joke. Cornette begins cursing, saying they wouldn't have placed the order if they weren't hungry, and the employee snaps back at him for cursing at her.^note In a Q&A interview (see the below link) years later, he realized that it wasn't actually directed at him. He then gets out of the van and proceeds to lay into everyone in the building! The manager sheepishly apologizes, and Cornette gets back in the van, where everyone had been holding in their laughter up to that point.
  Cornette: I'll goddamn come through that fucking window and cuss you, you fucking cunt!
  • Even funnier was the fact that one of the wrestlers in the van was none other than a young Chris Jericho! Contrary to popular belief, Jericho was not the one with the video camera,^note and he was the one the employee got on for cursing at her, but he contributed to the exchange with this gem:
  Jericho: Does this look like a fucking comedy bus to you?!
  • Cornette didn't even know it was being filmed at the time, making this a gut-busting case of Harpo Does Something Funny. You can hear his thoughts on the Incident here, and here.
• Shit's on!
• After TNA Victory Road '11, Jim ascends the Cornette Face on Twitter: "Just watched #TNA... I have to come up with a new face"
• One shoot interview has him describing The Undertaker preparing to beat Shawn Michaels to a pulp should he screw "Stone Cold" Steve Austin like he did Bret Hart in Montreal. (Thankfully, Michaels lost as planned.) He sums it up by outright speaking "to" Michaels.
  Cornette: Because Undertaker cared about business and the rest of the boys rather than his own fuckin' little meager self. Shawn. Hi. "Born again." I was not in favor of the first time, you were always a prick to me, I just wanted to remind you of that."
  • In another shoot on the Montreal Screwjob, he described Mick Foley's reaction to the whole thing.
    "I love you, Cactus, but you were upset that a promoter would fuck one of the boys. That's like being upset that Jenna Jameson would take one up the ass! It's unheard of!"
• His shoot interview about Joey Styles started off relatively calm until Republicans and Obamacare are discussed. Then it gets colorful.
  Cornette: "I've paid approximately, probably a million and a half dollars in income tax over the past twenty-five years; if I get sick, they oughta have a nurse come to my house and blow me for free!"
• He also has quite a bit to say about some people hoping the president of their own country to fail.
  Cornette: "And what's more un-American than publicly hoping the president of the United States fails? That's like hoping the power of your airplane fails because you don't like its opinion on Global Warming! We're all in this together, you fucking morons! You hope he fails; if he fails, we're fucked!"
• Cornette had a great throwaway line in the leadup to WrestleMania 12 (after Yokozuna's face turn) to acknowledge Mr. Fuji's absence: "I have no idea how poor old Mr. Fuji fell down that flight of stairs...and I was right behind him!"
• In July, 1996, Camp Cornette is set to face Shawn Michaels, Ahmed Johnson and the Ultimate Warrior at an In Your House PPV. When Warrior quit WWF, Cornette gloats on it being a three-on-two match. Cue Shawn revealing they have a replacement...Sycho Sid. Cornette's freakout is glorious.
  Cornette: What are you trying to do to me?! Camp Cornette is not getting in the ring with that guy, he's a nut! They've traded out the gas chamber for the electric chair!^note Cornette says he inadvertently came up with the "Sycho Sid" name while trying to convince Vince not to hire him, telling Vince "You know he's a psycho, right? He tried to kill Arn Anderson!" (By stabbing him several times in a hotel, this was not part of an angle.) The misspelling of "psycho" was likely for trademark reasons.
• Cornette watching and critiquing the WrestleRock Rumble (a promotional song/video for the AWA's pay-per-view WrestleRock '86 and a parody of the Super Bowl Shuffle) during a shoot interview. His reactions are humorous, but the icing on the cake is his reaction to seeing Jerry Blackwell splash a piece of lumber.
  Cornette: *laughing* "God damn, I could break that!"
• Jim Cornette guesting on "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's podcast some time ago and telling a bunch of road stories:
  • One story featured Cornette telling about how Gene Anderson would grip the nerve point on the elbow and "he would grab the Barbarian and he'd say "Tell me you're a faggot, tell me you're a faggot" and the Barbarian would go "I'm a faggot Gene please let me goooo!"
  • Another one had a rib being played on Tojo Yamamoto and Phil Hickerson by Dennis Condrey. Basically, Yamamoto was very homophobic (it was the early 80's), and he was convinced that Hickerson and Condrey were both gay, so Condrey decided to have Hickerson act like he was blowing him in the locker room to fuck with Tojo. Condrey suggested that Hickerson should have his mouth open and that Condrey was going to pull his dick out to further sell the rib. Then, right before Tojo could walk in the locker room, Condrey shoved his dick in Phil's mouth. The funniest part is Condrey later telling Cornette that Hickerson's tongue was as rough as sandpaper.
• At a Mid-Atlantic Wrestling Convention February 4th 2004, the crowd who attended broke out into an impromptu "Russo Sucks" chant. Jim, one of the "legends" being in attendance, said that if anyone got that on tape he would send it to him.
• His Kevin Dunn impersonations. Cornette's hatred of him and how over the top he is, plus whenever he is asked he gleefully obliges.
  "Well, (nit nit nit) we're gonna have Bret say shit. And I know you're not supposed to say shit on your network." (nit nit nit)
• "...and you kick your feet up, and there's Big Bubba Rogers and Dennis Condrey and Bobby Eaton, and they'll catch you like they catch the girls at the football games!" The infamous 25 ft. Scaffold Match incident, as told to us by Jim Cornette, which resulted in the Cornette Face meme. "Boys...the University of Alabama Crimson Tide couldn't 'catch me like they catch the girls at the football games.'"
  "First of all...Bobby fell like this—(whoosh!). Dennis fell like that—(whoosh!). I fell like this—(BAM!). Bubba's standing there—he never played baseball, I guess; he lost me in the lights, I dunno—when I let go, it was like I could hear the tornado coming; it was like the wind was whistling in my ears for five or six minutes, before I hit the ground. When I let go, and—(fwoosh!) next thing I knew the back of my head exploded. What had happened was he's standing there like that and I went completely through his arms. And he looks down like that and when I hit, and my knee bent completely sideways in a matter other than which nature intended, it caused me to whiplash back and the back of my head hit his knee, fortunately knocking me temporarily senseless, and serving as a natural anesthetic to the fact that a bone might be sticking out my leg!"^note There wasn't, but he did tear his ACL
• Speaking of Cornette blowing out his knee, he did it again at a house show the night before his match with Paul E. Dangerously at the 1989 Great American Bash. While talking about the build to that match he makes a note about how the drug culture in wrestling changed.
  I went to everyone in the locker room: "Do you have a pain pill?" I found two miss-matched pain pills from two different people in a wrestling locker room. Now if I would have been asking for weed or cocaine, I probably could've never fuckin' carried it all! But pain pills, no. Because they actually knew how to fucking work and didn't do stupid shit!
• Around this same time WCW saw the debut of the Ding Dongs, a ridiculous creation of Cornette's Arch-Enemy Jim Herd, and widely known as one of the worst tag teams and worst gimmicks ever seen in wrestling. Cornette buries it exactly how you'd expect:
  And I heard that fucking old antiquated piece of possum shit Jim Herd, from his own fucking thin little chicken lips, excitedly describing how "...and there's gonna be a ships bell in the corner, and when one of the Ding Dongs is in trouble the other one's gonna ring the bell and that's the signal for the people to cheer!" You know it was the old fucking bullhorn from the Kentuckians, days gone by... And they started ringing that bell and the people were like "Fuck you!" They were either laughing, or going to the concession stand, or just "Get the fuck out of this ring!" It was fucking horrible. HORRIBLE!
• After an infamous Raw match from the tail end of 1997 where Triple H and Shawn Michaels put on a complete mockery of a European title match, Cornette, on commentary, spews forth this awesome Hurricane of Euphemisms:
  "It was a ruse! A ploy, a plot, a plan, a charade, a conspiracy, a sham! We've been conned, hoodwinked, bamboozled, flimflammed, had the wool pulled over our eyes, even!!"
• When Hell froze over and Jim returned to the WWE long enough to induct The Rock 'n' Roll Express into the Hall of Fame in 2017, he managed to mostly keep his tongue in check (presumably to the disappointment of the many fans his vitriolic rants had earned him online) out of a desire not to ruin things for Ricky and Robert, but still had some fun hanging a few lampshades around the place:
  "I'm Jim Cornette, this is a live microphone, and the audio guy's on Xanax! I gotta admit to you, the way this speech has been built up, I could come out here and give a combination of the Gettysburg Address and the Sermon on the Mount and you'd still go home disappointed, but I'm gonna try my best. Actually, I know the over/under on the length of this speech is Sunday morning, so I have taken the liberty of making just a few notes, try to keep this to Saturday night."
• ...anything on Donald Trump especially if you are not a fan, but whether for or against at the election Jim said how he was huddled on the couch hugging Harley Quinn in fear...no not that Harley Quinn, that's the name of his dog, but you can just see him doing that, or with a life size Harley doll, or if she was real the actual Harley...
• Cornette on an unnamed outlaw mudshow promoter:
  "I was on Starrcade and Wrestlemania. You booked the invisible man. See yourself the fuck out."
• Hillbilly Jim, a gay pornstar
• Tim Horner once claimed that Jim turned down a hundred grand sponsorship from Coca-Cola because he wouldn't tone down The Gangstas. Jim's response? He would've made his wrestlers work with coke bottles around their necks for a hundred grand.
• Impact Wrestling can go fuck themselves!
• Behold, Corny's take on CM Punk's theme: The Cult of Meat with Extra Cheese!
• In October 2022 Cornette did an in depth look at AEW's roster (in three parts^note 5 parts when you throw in the referees and announce team). Hilarity ensues throughout the nearly 3 hours of audio, but the highlight is his comments on "The Kentucky Gentleman" Chuck Taylor.
  "The guy looks like shit, the guy can't fuckin' work... He's the epitome of an indy wrestler, some jackoff that can wander into a barn and get in the ring and be allowed to do it. Chuck Taylor, what the fuck. Let's play the name game, Chuck Chuck bo buck banana fanna FUCK YOU, take the fuck off! And don't slander Kentucky while you're at it."
• In the same clip he also takes a shot at Kip Sabian.
  "Seriously, is it children's wrestling? Is this the Romper Room Wrestling Association? If I need somebody to fuckin' crawl in my attic in a tight space and fix something, I'll call Kip Sabian. If I want a grown man I'll call a grown man. And those two things are mutually exclusive."
• Cornette decided to sing his remarks on Riho.
  Her name is Reeeee-ho
  And she don't weigh 90 pounds
  And when she hits the mat
  Well, it barely makes a sound
  And when she's booked you know
  The house is really down
  Oh, Riho! Riho!
  You're just a grade school clown! Oh my God... Yeah, she's gone.
• And here he takes a look at the Tekken 3 roster.
• Any moment when Jim really gets wound up can count as this, but his epic rant about Vince Russo is nothing short of spectacular, particularly when he explodes at about 3:35 into the video.
• The background scenes to many of the videos on Jim's YouTube page are often hilarious. One of the best is his reaction to Kenny Omega's speech at a mandatory AEW talent meeting, where he told the wrestlers that he wouldn't have hired most of them if he were in charge. Jim's dissection of the meeting is funny, but the crowning moment is the artist's remdering of the Elite trying to intimidate him while he laughs at their pathetic efforts and Tony Kahn stands by cluelessly.
• Cornette once "reviewed" Wardlow vs Orange Cassidy. Cornette proceeded to give Wardlow the phone numbers of various WWE executives as part of his "advice" to Wardlow.^note And now Hilarious in Hindsight, since three of the four people who's numbers Cornette gave (Vince McMahon, John Laurinaitis, Bruce Prichard, and Jeff Jarrett) are now out of WWE, Vince and Johnny Ace were turfed and are currently getting the Benoit treatment thanks to their sex scandal, and Jarrett has since joined Wardlow in the AEW locker room (and Prichard is likely on his way out as well). Unfortunately for Wardlow Cornette doesn't really get along with Triple H or Shawn Michaels and doesn't have their phone numbers.

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