Funny: Hawaii Five-0

  • The lift scene from "Ohana".
  • In season 2, McGarrett visits Danny in his new apartment (which looks like a prison cell and has no windows) while Danny is watching the movie Enemy Mine. McGarrett is horrified by the scene unfolding in the movie while Danny gets misty eyed and sentimental.
    McGarrett: That's DISGUSTING!
  • "Ma Ke Kahakai": Five-0's investigation leads them to Masaharu Morimoto's restaurant... and Morimoto himself is there, SINGING KARAOKE.
  • Masi Oka's character meets Greg Grunberg's:
    Max: Don't I know you from somewhere?
  • In "Ike Maka", Chin Ho uses a Benelli M1 to knock on the window of a muscle bait car used to take down a couple of carjackers.
    Chin Ho: License and registration, please.
  • Anything involving McGarrett and Danny.
  • Danny to Steve: "Why do you do that? You're like a devourer of dreams. You eat them, like a little Pac-Man in cargo pants!"
    • Or any time he starts ranting about Steve's cargo pants.
  • The fact alone that the word "classified" is a major Berserk Button for Danny.
    Danny: Alright, so, what's up? You get a chance to interrogate Wo Fat yet?
    Steve: Sorry, Danny, that's classified.
    Danny: It's classified? Is that a joke? Are you kidding me?
    Steve: No, I'm not kidding.
    Danny: Okay, well, when are you bringing him back?
    Steve: I can't tell you that either. Danny, I can't tell you these things over an unsecured line. You understand. It's a security issue.
    Danny: Okay, you know what I think? I think that you think, that saying stuff like that is cool. It's not cool. It's actually the opposite.
    Steve: Danny—
    Danny: Know what? Forget it. I don't care where you go. Well, no, I care. I'm just gonna find out myself, okay. I will track your plane.
    Steve: No you won't. We're coming in dark.
    Danny: (Beat) Dark, huh?
    Steve: Yes, dark. As in off the radar. Dark.
    Danny: I, I know what "dark" means, okay? Is that really necessary, though?
    Steve: That's protocol, Danny. I'm sorry, but I can't answer your questions right now, okay? Gotta go, all right?
    Danny: I got an easy one. What are you wearing? You know what? Don't answer. I'm sure it's top secret, so I will take a guess. (pretends to think hard) Cargo pants!
    Steve: Goodbye, Daniel.
    • The fact that Steve smiles throughout the whole conversation, almost provoking a rant after weeks of being away and worrying his partner makes the whole thing into a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming, McGarrett/Danno style.
  • The whole "Sexy Eyes" conversation:
    ("Sexy Eyes" comes on the radio)
    (beat)
    Danny: Are you serious?
    Steve: What?
    Danny: You're not gonna do something about this, you're not gonna do change this?
    Steve: What's wrong with this?
    Danny: You're going to leave this, youíre not going to do something about this?
    Steve: It's OK.
    Danny: It's OK? I know you have been trained to endure torture... but this, this is unbearable! This is not right. Songs this bad make stable people wanna kill other people! You understand?
    (Danny turns it off; Steve looks at Danny with the most hilarious facial expression)
    Steve: I think it's kinda catchy. (turns it back on)
    Danny: (twitches)
  • In the Pilot, Danny is ranting at Steve about getting him shot:
    Danny When you get somebody shot, you apologise!
    Steve I'm sorry.
    Danny: You don't wait for a special occasion!
    Steve: I'm sorry.
    Danny: Birthdays, or friggin' President's Day!
    Steve: I am sorry,; OK? I said I am sorry, I am sincerely sorry, that is what I have been trying to tell you last year. When this conversation started.
    Danny: Your apology is noted. Acceptance is pending.
  • Danny mocks the idea that spirits are going to punish him for entering a sacred area. Gilligan Cut to a huge rock smashed through the windshield of the Camaro, and Steve with an "I told you so" expression.
  • Steve rides a motorbike up a flight of steps to crash into a gang's club:
    Danny: I have a number of a therapist to give you, OK? Walk up steps like a human.
  • Similarly, after Steve blows open a door with a hand grenade:
    Danny: You need help. I will pay for it.
  • About Steve's Drives Like Crazy tendencies:
    Danny: Please donít do that.
    Steve: What?
    Danny: Please donít put both hands on the wheel. Every time you do that something terrible happens, and I have to pray. Wait, wait. (puts on seatbelt) Okay. (Steve drives through a gate)
  • Danny is trying to be sympathetic towards a criminal to convince him to let go of his hostage:
    Steve: What are you doing?
    Danny: What?
    Steve: What are you doing, the guy's clearly a psychopath, you're trying to make friends with him? You're trying to connect?
    Danny: He's standing right here in front of us!
    Steve: Danny you're a cop, not a therapist.
    Danny: Hey, hey I've been trained for this kind of thing okay!
    Steve: What, to bore people into submission?
    Danny: (to the criminal) Don't listen to him okay, his idea of communication is he drops a witty one-liner and shoots you in the face!
    Steve: You know what maybe I should just shoot this guy now so he doesnít have to listen to you talk!
  • Danny is complaining about having to ride a horse to get to the bad guy's place because an ATV would be too loud:
    Danny: Why couldn't we have taken an ATV or a gold cart—
    Steve: An ATV? Yeah, let me tell you something, an ATV would probably not be any louder than your whining—
    Danny: My-my whining—?
    Lori: How long have you two been married?
  • Steve's car breaks down:
    Steve: Would you like to steer?
    Danny: Do I wanna steer? No. No, I wanna to continue to push this three ton hunk of metal, up a hill, in 95 degree weather! That's what I wanna do. Yes, I would like to steer, thank you.
  • Bickering again:
    Steve: Do you realize how much of your life revolves around food?
    Danny: Do you realize how much of your life revolves around armed conflict?
  • And again...
    Danny: Okay, letís say I am you, and you are the bad guy here. I would know that all the ways onto the ship are visible somehow. So, how would you outsmart yourself and get yourself onto that ship without yourself seeing yourself?
    Steve: okay, was that an actual question, or were you just throwing words together and hoping they made sense?
  • A last one for the road...
    Danny: First you have to seek to understand before you can be enlightened.
    Steve: I will literally pay you cash to stop talking.
  • Kamekona and Sang Min go undercover. Hilarity Ensues.
  • Kamekona's Halloween costume.
  • Max's reasoning with Sabrina (the bank teller) on why he's coming to deposit directly instead of a direct deposit.
  • Steve and Kono chasing Makani Jacobs, who originally had a hula skirt until the former tore it off. Guess what follows? The sequence is notable for its elaborate use of foreground objects to avoid unwanted exposure. What's even funnier is Kono trying to get out of restraining the suspect since he's naked.
  • "Who wants to learn how to remove a bullet from a gunshot wound?"
    • "I'm gonna teach these girls how to kill and gut a pig tonight, Danny. That's survival." "That's actually a horror film."
  • Any scene with Kamekona and Grace together is pretty hilarious, but the dietary scolding that Kamekona receives from Gracie in "Ua Hiki Mai Kapalena" ranks as one of the best. And it's very obvious that Danny desperately wants the chicken, too.
    Kamekona: You know, Gracie, when I was a little keiki like you, my momma used to bring me this chicken. Every time I was sick.
    Grace: Fried chicken isn't good for you. It has cholesterol and causes heart disease.
    Kamekona: Nah, a little bit of grease is good for you. Helps the inside stay lubricated.
  • In the cold opening of "Guardian", a car jacker makes the mistake of trying to rob Steve at gun point. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
    Duke: (smirking) Looks like somebody made Santa's naughty list.
    Steve: Genius tried to carjack me.
    Duke: (chuckling) You sure picked the wrong car, bruddah.
    Carjacker: Crazy man ripped out my nose ring.
    Duke: (to Steve) Make sure you put that in evidence.
    Steve: Absolutely.
    • Also, a blink and you'll miss it moment in "Guardian". Chin and Danny drive to Chin's uncle's place to inquire about Moonshine. When they walk up to the house they pass a few chickens. Danny takes one look at them getting out of his way and goes "Excause me." Completely straight faced.
  • Another cold open begins with Steve and Danny chasing a suspect in a tiny yellow tourist moped. Much like the audience, Danny's first words are wondering why they are chasing the suspect in a clown car.
    Steve: I keep telling you, if you don't like my driving you can always get out of the car!
    Danny: I would but there are no doors.
  • Catherine calls McGarrett and Danno's trip to the football game a "man-date" and Kamekona tagging along a "bromance".
  • Danny gets upset when McGarrett changes his catchphrase.
    McGarrett: Book 'em, Kono.
    Danny: Oh, where's the love?
  • This bit from ""Na hala a ka makua" when Roy Parrish tries to carjack someone's sedan after stealing the Five-0 badge.
    Civilian: (After seeing Roy in prison clothes) Wait. Are you... even a cop?
    Roy: No. But, uh, (Points to the Camaro behind him) they are. (McGarrett and Danno show the civilian their cuffed wrists)
    Roy: What size pants do you wear? Like 34?
  • Steve and Danny go to therapy. Hilarity Ensues.
    • It shows up again in "Kuka'awale".
  • Kono's refusal to wear a bikini to hunt down robbery suspects, who are also female and hang out on beaches. The alternative is for Grover to be wearing a Speedo.
  • Kono in "Hoʻomaʻike" teases Grover for his refusal to watch horror movies. He insists that if he's in a horror situation, he'd just use his pistol at the monster.
    • When Danno shakes his head at Jerry to not tell the prosecutor what he knows about Farrow, he proceeds to talk about Area 52 just to throw off her suspicion of him.
  • Everything in "Ina Paha" from a Hawaii-loving Danno, a homeless Jerry to a convict Kamekona (who is only persuaded to help if he gets deliveries of free shrimp for the prison kitchen, so that he can make proper meals for the inmates).
  • In "Uaʻaihue", Morimoto doesn't want to train Kamekona to cook until he was told that the latter is competing in a contest against Sam Choy. Morimoto then agrees to help him in order to defeat Choy. He later reinforces it by using Sansho in Choy's dish.
    • Grover arresting the ringleader of the crew.
    Grover: You're under arrest for attempted murder, armed robbery and a whole bunch of other stuff.
  • Grover's realization that Joe was the one who made Steve the Crazy Awesome guy that he is in "La Po'ino".
    Grover: You weren't really born a crazy son of a bitch. This is the guy that taught you.
  • Grover getting nervous over Michelle Wie at the start of "Nanahu".
  • The entirety of Kuka'awale aka the Stakeout episode. Not only is it the most Ship Tease-tastic episode since the 100th anniversary, it is also all around comedy. Just Steve and Danny on a stakeout together should tell you all there is to know about it.
    • Special mention goes to Steve getting them confused for a married gay couple, all while carrying Mr. Pickles around like a baby. He literally has that cat on his arm for five minutes; the way he strokes its fur while saying that he and Danny "want to keep a low profile" is very suggestive in and of it self.