Quotes / Hawaii Five-0

Deadpan Snarker dialogue

Danno: (referring to a suspect being taken away) Careful, she bites.

Danno: (after Steve drives a motorcycle up some stairs) Hey. I have the number of a therapist I want to give you, okay? Walk up steps like a human.

Danno: (on the discovery that weapons are being smuggled in pizza boxes) Thick crust, extra bullets.

Danno: (reacting to Steve and another SEAL speaking in military jargon) If you guys are gonna keep talking like this, maybe we can get a dictionary.

Danno: (referring to a CIA-trained hired assassin who killed a security agent) Maybe we can hire her to kill herself.

McGarrett: Take the tie off. No-one on a cruise ship wears a tie.
Danno: Oh yes they do. They do it all the time. So they can hang themselves when they get bored.

Kono: Okay, well, I'm going to go see the kid, see if she knows anything. Because you know, I'm the woman on the team, and you'd probably ask me to do it anyway.
Danno: No, no. It's not because you're a woman. It's because you're a rookie, which is way worse.

McGarrett: Law enforcement is Chin's family business. So when he lost his badge, he lost his family. If he wants to wear a badge, he has to be able to deal with things like this.
Danno: You weren't held as a baby, were you?
McGarrett: It's called tough love... And for the record, I was held as a child. I have photos if you want proof.
Danno: Photoshop.

McGarrett: When did you take up jogging?
Kamekona: I'm in training, brah.
Danno: You're wearing a training bra?

McGarrett: On this island, there is an easy way to do things and a hard way. With the Kapu, talking to Kawika before we go after Levi and Diego is the easy way.
Danno: Ah, so what's uh, throwing somebody in a shark tank and then hanging another guy off a roof?
McGarrett: Those guys were from out of town.

Danno: (yelling) Our job is to go after the suspect! Not the victim! Not the previously convicted! The suspect, Ochoa. He deal drugs and he's dangerous. That's what I'm gonna focus on, okay?
McGarrett: (dead calm) I am so glad you're not a hothead. I would hate to work with someone like that.

McGarrett: (to an FBI agent mole-suspect who demands to see Five-0's supervisor) I answer to God and to the Governor. None of them will help you.

McGarrett: (when the team votes out his idea of breaking into the Governor's house) And the rest of you are forgetting that Five-0 is not a democracy, it's a benevolent dictatorship. Got it?

McGarrett: Now listen, I'll have my phone on me, but don't call me, I'll call you, okay?
Kono: Bet you've used that line before.
McGarrett: I'll initiate contact once I'm in a secure location.
Chin Ho: That one too.

Kono: (about the sound of Max tuning a piano) Sounds like he's torturing a walrus.

Kono: This room alone is bigger than my whole apartment.
Chin Ho: The trunk of my car is bigger than your apartment.

Kamekona: You come to me to cut you a deal on the wood. That's the best on the island.
McGarrett: You mean this?
Kamekona: You get what you paid for, brah. This stuff don't grow on trees.

Mary: Big night last night.
Catherine: Hmm?
Mary: Old house. Thin walls.
Catherine: Oh God!
Mary: Yeah. You said that a lot.

Grace: (amazed by the toys her uncle has brought) Are these for me?
Matt: No. For your dad.

McGarrett: Victor Hesse is still alive.
Sang Min: You're not a very good shot.

Derek Marcum: Gentlemen, I take it you're part of Honolulu's law enforcement community.
Danno: What, uh— what gave us away?
Derek Marcum: You're wearing a tie in Hawaii.

McGarrett: (teasing Danny in front of his new girlfriend) Danny cares deeply about cultural heritage.
Danno: Don't you have someone you have to shoot?

Drives Like Crazy dialogue

Danno: All right. May 18, 1996.
McGarrett: What is that?
Danno: It's the last time I puked. All right? Don't make me break my streak!
McGarrett: You will not puke in this car. You will not puke in this car! If you're gonna be sick in here, crack that window. This is a loaner.

McGarrett: Trust me. I know this road.
Danno: This is not a road. A road has asphalt, two lanes. This is dirt on a cliff, okay? It's a long way down.
McGarrett: Scared?
Danno: No. I am not scared. I am rationally concerned.

Danno: Why are you putting both hands on the wheel? Whenever you put both hands on the wheel, something bad happens and I have to pray.

Chin Ho: You did pass the HPD pursuit driving test...?
Kono: There's a test?