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Dialog between regular characters
- In "Glasses", Dr. Katz calls the office and Laura answers simply with, "Yeah?" Dr. Katz is understandably taken aback at how Laura answered the phone, but she insists: "I knew it was you!" He tells her something and she ends the call with "Whatever." A few seconds later, he calls her back and this time she answers: "Dr. Katz's office." Katz adds: "'K, now you have to work on the ending."
- In "Electric Bike", Ben tries out Dr. Katz's bike but breaks it. He calls up Katz to say the bike sucks, is slow, looks funny, and people laugh at it.
Dr. Katz: (agitated) Okay, Ben, we're gonna have to talk about this more tonight. And I think... I'm hoping that you realize you've made a big- hello?.... Ben?
- In "Movies", when Dr. Katz wants to see Love Strings instead of Firepower:
Ben: Here's the deal, dad: Do what I say. And don't be an idiot. We go see my movie, it's a better choice. Um, I know what I'm talking about; I represent the youth of America, you should tap into that.
Ben: ...Are you gonna be all right, dad??
- In the same episode, Dr. Katz's masterful impression of Marlon Brando in The Godfather. Even better is how Ben makes fun of how bad it is, sending Katz into a laughing fit.
- When the two are in the movie theater:
- In "Radio Katz", Dr. Katz thinks that hundreds (if not thousands) of people will be intently listening to him as a stand-in host on a therapy radio show. To which Ben replies, "Dad, this isn't the '40s; you're not FDR." He then gives a more realistic expectation: Maybe twenty people will be listening.
- In the same episode, Dr. Katz asks Ben, Stan, and Julie to call in to the radio show so he can fill dead air. Ben calls in while driving to the studio and decides to mess with him: "HEY THIS SHOW SUCKS! YOU SUCK!"
- In "Chain Letter", Laura is sandwiched in the middle of a conversation between Dr. Katz and Ben: Katz is talking to her over the intercom, while Ben is on the phone with her. Neither side realizes she's trying to hold two conversations at once, which results in confusion about which of her comments is directed to whom. At one point in this madness, she says, "Shut your fat mouth", and gets rebukes from both Katz and Ben at the same time. The scene ends with Laura saying: "I CAN'T HANDLE THIS."
- In "Big Fat Slug", Dr. Katz is on the toilet while Ben shouts to him the TV he's missing. Katz replies: "You're missing this!" And later in the conversation, he tells Ben to just slip the TV program under the door.
- In "Ticket", Ben practices how Dr. Katz will behave in traffic court. Ben throwing him a trick question: "Now, if the jury deliberates, short time good, long time good...", and Katz replies, "I think in our case, short time good is the best." Ben cuts him off: "Yeah, there is no jury, you idiot, in traffic court." Ben also thinks it's a good idea to cry on cue in court, to which Katz lets out a practice version: "Eh eh eh eh eh eh..." Ben instantly changes his mind. Katz: "What if I just do one of these: "Waaaaaahhhh!!!""
Ben: (as a lawyer) Isn't it TRUE, Dr. Katz........ isn't it?Dr. Katz: (giggles)Ben: Answer the question! Yes or no?Dr. Katz: (coughs)Ben: What, do you have something stuck in your throat 'cause you're a liar?!Dr. Katz: I guess I don't understand the question.Ben: You don't understand?! Your honor, he doesn't understand! Ladies and gentlemen of the court, he doesn't understand! (Beat) You don't- (scene abruptly ends)
- Earlier in the episode, Ben wants Dr. Katz to practice on answering questions from hard-ass lawyers.
- In "Bees and S.I.D.S.", Laura makes buzzing noises over the intercom to tease Dr. Katz's bee fears. Dr. Katz calls her out on it, and then:
Laura: Is this the right time to talk about a raise?Dr. Katz: Stop it.Laura: Baby.
Dr. Katz: Ben, sudden infant death syndrome.Ben: What if it's not so gradual?Dr. Katz: Hmmm... "gradual infant death syndrome"- you have G.R.I.D.S. (Ben throws a peanut at Katz's head)
- In the same episode, Ben's convinced he has S.I.D.S.
- In "Snow Day", Todd the video store clerk says that the video store is going to get packed soon, the argument being that when a big snowstorm hits, people rent movies. Ben is skeptical, and he adds: "And here's the other thing: I have never seen anyone in here, and I come here... pretty much daily."
- At the end of "Ben Centennial", it's revealed that Laura's birthday present to Ben was wrapped in a patient's file. Dr. Katz's response:
Dr. Katz: I applaud her. But first, I fire her. Then I applaud her.
- Better yet, the file it's wrapped in is Dom Irrera's.
- "Studio Guy": Dr. Katz plays the guitar and sings a heartfelt, melancholy song about feeling left out. After he finishes, Ben delivers his verdict: "That sucked."
Ben: Can you change it?
- Early in the episode, Dr. Katz tells Ben some of the lyrics to the song ("Left out, but I'm not new"), and Ben is thoroughly confused by them.
Dr. Katz: You can't change your feelings, Ben.
Ben: Then just change the line. You're already losing half the audience right out of the gate.
(both try to talk over each other for several seconds, ending with...)
Ben: NO YOU SHUT UP!
- In "Metaphors", the Seinfeldian Conversation that opens the episode, which goes on so long that the scene just fades as the two keep talking.
Dr. Katz: See the problem is, you're waiting for something to happen. You have to go out there and make something happen.
Ben: Waiting? what are you kidding?
Dr. Katz: You are like a catalystic agent in chemistry. In chemistry they teach you that nothing will happen. There is no chemical process until you put in the catalyst. You need to be that catalyst.
Ben: But I'll tell you something, every action has an equal and negative reaction.
Dr. Katz: Yeah.
Ben: So, if you don't act, then nothing negative happens.
Dr. Katz: You're talking physics, now.
Ben: Well, I want to change the subject.
Dr. Katz: You're matching me science for science.
Ben: That's correct.
Dr. Katz: Okay, how about biology? I will kill you if you don't get out of this house, you slug!
Ben: You know, I'll tell you something, dad: The slug is a very resilient creature.
Dr. Katz: You know what the slug needs? Not unlike yourself, is a swift kick in the ass, my friend.
Ben: (chuckles) Slugs have asses?
Dr. Katz: Oh, no.
Ben: I guess it's true, that slug does have to go, right?
Dr. Katz: Of course, everybody's gotta go.
Ben: You're damn right.
Dr. Katz: In fact...
Ben: I'm with ya! Me first!
Dr. Katz: Check, please!
Ben: Race you to it! Man, the coffee does get you going! All over the place.
Dr. Katz: I wonder what people used to do before coffee. If they were just constipated?
Ben: No, kidding. I gotta get a diaper on.
Dr. Katz: That's not a diaper?
Ben: (laughs) No!
Dr. Katz: What is that?
Ben: They're just a little too big for me, that's all.
- Dr. Katz getting the giggles at the end of "Community Theater" during his audition. Particularly funny is Mr. Hammer's over-the-top reading of "Youuuuuu", which Ben calls out as not helping the situation.
Dr. Katz: Why do you think I have my pants altered on such a regular basis?
Hammer: I don't know! Hhhwhhyyyyyyyy?
- In "Mourning Person", Ben asks Dr. Katz why he always laughs when someone died:
Dr. Katz: One minute they're here, and the next minute they're not. (cracks up) It's like slapstick!
Ben: Go up there and knock 'em dead.
- Ben and Dr. Katz getting the giggles before Katz's eulogy.
Dr. Katz: Okay. (snickers)
- "Phone Luv": When Cindy from Telepurchases calls Ben, Ben tells Dr. Katz to leave the room so he can have some privacy. Dr. Katz insists that he's not listening but Ben repeatedly insists that he get out. After a heated back-and-forth between the two, Dr. Katz leaves and tells Ben, "This hurts my feelings, Ben, and we're gonna have to talk about this later." After a brief pause:
Ben: (whispers) Hey dad.
Dr. Katz: (also whispering) What?
Ben: Come back.
Dr. Katz: Why?
Ben: I need your credit card.
- In "Cholesterol", Stanley tells Dr. Katz to stick out his fat stomach.
Dr. Katz: I'm in my third trimester.
Dr. Katz: Tell 'em I'm a marathon runner... except for my belly.
- Later in the episode, Stanley encourages Dr. Katz to shower at the gym, but Katz is reluctant because he thinks everyone will make fun of his body. Stanley agrees to make up an excuse for why he looks the way he does, and Katz has his own suggestion:
- In "Lil' Helper", Ben drives Dr. Katz (who threw out his back) to work. He drives erratically, even after Katz's requests that he drive smoother. One of Katz's pained groans ends the scene.
- A scene earlier, Ben taunts a sitting Dr. Katz to come get him. Dr. Katz tries but quickly gives up and emits a pained grunt.
- At the end of the episode, Ben gets a brainstorm that he could do chiropractic work for a living... except he would only practice on Dr. Katz. Even though he's his father, Ben would still charge him $60 a session, at three times a week. He estimates that he'll make over $100,000 a year, tax free.
- Ben accidentally scaring the bejeezus out of Dr. Katz at the end of "Miles Away" when Ben comes home from his vacation early.
- In "Used Car", the Running Gag of Ben trying to convince Dr. Katz that they need to go to the Mall of America.
- When Ben nearly sets the kitchen on fire in "Thanksgiving".
- What ends this scene in "Sticky Notes" when a dejected Ben asks what it takes to meet women nowadays:
Dr. Katz: Well, you might have to leave the building.
Ben: Heh. You'd think.
Dr. Katz: Ya know?
- "New Phone System": When Ben unknowingly calls Laura's apartment because of a forwarding glitch in the titular phone system.
- "Old Man": Ben telling Laura his ideas for bad boat names, including "This Piece of Shit's Gonna Sink."
- Ben, to a groggy Dr. Katz at the start of the episode: "Oh my God, you died last night."
- Tom Kenny had a bit about how news programs are so desperate for material that they'll do the "what if" news:
Tom: (as an anchorman) Today's earthquake out in the desert was a 1.9, just a small temblor, according to seismologists at UCLA. But what if it had been a 9.1? Would you survive? Would your family survive? Our 25-part series "surviving the big one" starts this week on channel 7 news. We urge you and your family to watch! What if the big quake hit? What if you were working in a store that sold nothing but sharp jagged knives made of glass? Would you survive? Would your family survive??
- Dom Irrera in general, from griping that Dr. Katz isn't helping him quick enough to his infatuation with Dr. Katz, including every excuse to pose provocatively across the couch ('Did you know I could put my leg behind my head?') or to touch Katz's face ('Who's got your nose?').
Dom: (as grandpa) Hey boy, 25 cents for a kiss. (as a young version of himself) Grandpa, you're gonna have to come up with some bucks for this kiss! This is no small change transaction; we're talkin' endowment here, grandpa!
- Dom Irrera's bit about how he was watching Dan Rather on the news while playing with his balls ("That don't make me gay or nothin', right?"); he was trying to see how far he could twist without snapping a whole ball sack off.
- Speaking of Dom, his bit about how his grandpa had stinky breath from wine and cigars, yet always wanted to kiss him hello:
Dom: "The Doctor"? What the hell did he ever cure?" He said, "He was The Doctor of my ass, that's what he was the doctor of!" And I'll never get that image out of my head, of Julius Erving working on my uncle's ass.
- In "Radio Katz", Dom talks about how his uncle hated everybody, including Julius Erving:
Dom: (as guy) "Why you ain't nothin' but a dirty stinkin'- NICE SHOOOOOEEESSSS!!!"
- His bit about his grandma shrinking: "I think she's nappin' in the Kleenex box, to tell you the truth."
- Dom's bit about how he met somebody with the opposite of Tourrette Syndrome; in the middle of an outburst, they'd compliment you:
Dom: You ever clean these ears? Jeez.
- Saying how as a kid he thought "salmonella" was a guy who went around sticking his butt in chicken salad.
- In "Radio Katz", Dom brought a fruit pie into the session and started eating it. Dr. Katz complained that eating during therapy was inappropriate, but admitted that his fruit pie was delicious. He went back to complaining when he noticed how Dom had gotten fruit pieces on the couch, but immediately compromised: "Well let's just finish this and then we'll get back to work."
- While Dom is sitting on Dr. Katz's lap:
- Richard Jeni, on a real life case where a woman crazy-glued her husband's butt cheeks together while he was sleeping:
Richard: I always wondered if they stayed together. The couple, I mean. I dunno, that's gotta be weird. He comes downstairs the next morning... You can't accuse the wife right away, it's like, "Uh, honey, did you... crazy-glue my butt cheeks together while I was sleeping?" And she's over there, "All of a sudden, you're Mr. Observant! You didn't notice when I changed the curtains!"
Richard: I dunno, people always tell me I shouldn't make fun of church, and the way I figure it, God knows everything, right?
- His bit about God's omnipresence:
Dr. Katz: Yeah.
Richard: So God knew I would do this, and He let me. That's the way I look at it. You know what I mean? 'Cause I don't care who your Lord is; even if you're not Catholic, you can't have a God sittin' up in Heaven goin, (in Johnny Carson-esque voice) "I was not aware of that. How could that have happened? Here I am, the supreme being, and I don't know what the hell's going on!"
Richard: (as woman, in gruff, Edward G. Robinson-style voice) All right, here's the way it's gonna be, buster. I don't want any foreplay, I'm a busy girl, see? I don't wanna get pregnant, see, so at the end, you get outta there! Beat it! Scram! Myah!"
- He discussed how nobody knows what's going to happen, and for his proof: Women are now smoking cigars. But he loves it, because when he's about to make love, he wants a woman with a push-up bra and a big stogie:
Richard: "Hey, it's hot in here." I'm like, "HEY HEY HEY!!!"
- Being uncomfortable chatting with a guy in a sauna, since the guy was nude and had his legs spread far apart ("his knees were in different time zones").
- Gilbert Gottfried's rambling story about going to Paul McCartney's house. According to Gilbert, Paul is actually a carnivore and the only thing holding him back from eating meat was Linda, who insisted that they're going to be eating rhubarb. At that, Paul took Gilbert outside:
Gilbert: (as Paul) Look, why don't you kill one of those sheep? We'll just rip it apart with our bare teeth! (as himself) And I said, "No, Linda, I'm sure, will get angry." And then he said, (as Paul) "Well then for God's sakes, can I at least lick your arm?!"
Laura: Mr. Gottfried, you're 25 minutes late.
- His introductory moment in "Old Man":
Gilbert: Twenty-five minutes late? This has never happened to me before! Oh my God, I'm pregnant!
(Laura rolls her eyes)
- Jake Johannsen's bit about rubbing salve on a dog's butt so it won't lick/bite it. He thinks it's a sick joke by the vet to make him look like an idiot. "Twice a day!" "D'ohhhh...." Then he wonders how bad the salve must taste; dogs already lick their ass, so it would have to taste "worse than ass flavor".
Jake: (as dog) I can still kinda taste the ass in the salve; it's not that bad.
- Kevin Meaney's bit about how company was always coming over:
Kevin: (as mom) Mr. Richter's coming over. He just came from Sweden where he had a sex change operation! I don't want any of you to say anything about how he looks like a woman! You've got somethin' to say, you just tell her how pretty she looks!
Kevin: [Bang bang bang bang bang, bang bang bang bang bang] (as housekeeping) Hello, housekeeping, housekeeping! Do you need more towels? Do you need more towels? (as himself) NO! I have about a hundred towels in the room right now! What man is going through 100 towels a day? I don't think I could get any drier! [Bang bang bang bang bang, bang bang bang bang bang] (as room service) Hello, this is, uh, room service. Would you like some chocolates? Come on, take a chocolate. Take-a two, taaaaaake-a twoooooo, chocolates! (as himself) I don't want the chocolates! LEAVE ME ALONE! If you're not in the room, they leave the chocolates on the pillow! I don't like that! You're coming home late at night, you don't see the chocolates! You're waking up four or five o'clock in the morning... "Oh my God, I pooped the bed!"
- His bit about hating staying in hotels because the housekeeping staff keeps bothering you:
Kevin: "Look at that. How can people be so wasteful? Throwing away perfectly good lawn furniture!" I'd say, "Daddy, I don't think they're throwing it out. Their drinks are still on the table!" "They're throwing it out; go out of the car and get it. And get me that barbecue set while you're at it." [young Kevin picks up the barbecue set and screams] "Put on the oven mitts before you grab that thing! Dump out the hot coals before you put that in the vehicle. Gimme that hot dog! Get with it!"
- His bit about his father:
- Jeff Goldblum, much like David Mamet, finds Laura refreshing, as opposed to most of the guests who find her rude and insufferable.
Laura: (after being complimented) Really? Wow, that's very nice.Jeff: Easy. Tell me to shut up or sit down or something.Laura: Can you sit down?Jeff: (delighted) Yes, that's it.Laura: Seriously, can you sit down?Jeff: (proudly) Yes ma'am!Laura: Are you, like, really crazy, or...?Jeff: (fondly) You're sweet.
- Dave Attell: "Dr. Katz, why am I such a cranky baby? You're a cranky baby, you know that?" And later in the same episode: "Come on, you bloodsucker, how long are you gonna suck my teat before you cure me? FIX THIS! FIX THIS!!!"
Dave: I don't need to drink to have a good time. I need to drink to stop the voice in my head. And the voice in my head has a stutter, and that is very annoying. "P-p-p-p-p-p-" "What?!" "P-p-p-p-p-p-" "WRITE IT DOWN!"
- In his third appearance, he asked Dr. Katz if he saw the footage of the man at the "running of the bulls" who lost his pants and started running away from the bull without covering himself. He said that the man was so scared he didn't care about modesty, and concluded: If you ever see a man running down the street and his penis is flapping in the air, "run with that man, 'cause there's some scary stuff coming your way."
- This bit:
- Rodney Dangerfield, on a traumatic memory: "The time I was lost at the beach. I asked a cop, "How can I find my parents?" He said, "I dunno, kid, there are so many places they could hide."
- Joan Rivers's bit about how she cremated a relative but realizes after the fact: "Maybe I should've waited until she was dead", and then tries to justify it by saying she's busy and only had a limited time frame to do it.
- Kevin Nealon, on aging: "My gums are receding. I mean, you can't tell, because I comb them forward."
- Bobby Slayton wonders why women always ask if they look fat when they try something on: "Does this make me look fat?" "No, your fat butt makes you look fat! Why are you blaming it on the pants??"
Bobby: Turn on the TV, get some light over here!
- He has no clue how to be romantic with his wife; he doesn't like candlelit dinners because he can't see the food.
- He derided his wife's suggestion of spicing up their love life by taking a shower together. His wife was standing in front of the shower head so she got all the hot water. Meanwhile, Bobby is standing behind her cold and shriveled, with soap in his eye, going "Yeah, this is great, honey."
- When Lisa Kudrow had a phone therapy session with Dr. Katz, she mentioned how there's a person in her life that she can't stand. By sheer coincidence, the person in question called her up while she was still on the phone with Katz. Katz kept trying to coach Lisa on things to say to this person, but got tripped up when one of the things he told Lisa to say ("You're constantly playing the victim, you're being really passive-aggressive.") was replied with: "What does that mean?" Katz had a hard time succinctly describing to Lisa what passive-aggression meant, to the point where Lisa told a stammering Katz, "You have to pick it up." Lisa agrees to call the person back.
Dr. Katz: He's gonna realize that you're being coached... by a guy who stammers.
- Todd Barry's fake-out statement that his college GPA of 2.11 was a phenomenal score: "That's less than two points away from a perfect 4.0."
Todd: That's a bad GPA, I was lying.Dr. Katz: Well that's what I thought.Todd: I was put on academic warning, then I was put on academic probation, and then they had a create a new category for me: I was put under academic house arrest.
Todd: Those Chinese places just don't make hot dog fried rice the way I like it.
- He mentions that he got a wok; he claimed it was a phenomenal thing to have, because it allows you to make Chinese food, for fifty cents less than ordering take-out.
Todd: "Good choice"! Now, I didn't expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to be showing brand loyalty!
- He had sex with a woman; when he took out the condoms, she said: "Good choice!"
- In the therapy session with Ben Stiller, Dr. Katz abruptly says his catchphrase: "Oops, you know what the music means. Our time is up." But no music plays. Ben Stiller acknowledges this. Dr. Katz tells Stiller to hit the button on the desk near him; he does and the music plays like normal. Katz breathes a sigh of relief.
- Joy Behar stresses about a play she's going to have a bit part in:
Joy: What if I blank out? What if I walk the wrong way? What if I miss a cue?Dr. Katz: What if you do? What's the worst thing that'll happen?Joy: The audience will think I'm terrible, and the actors will hate me.Dr. Katz: And then, your life will still continue.Joy: It will?Dr. Katz: Yep.Joy: But what about the humiliation and the moment?Dr. Katz: .......I hadn't thought of that.
- Bill Braudis complains that he gave his wife an engagement ring so she'd marry him, but wants it back: "I need the cash."
Dr. Katz: That's not how it works; she gets to keep the engagement ring.Bill: Ohhhhhh. Could you write this down for me?Dr. Katz: ...Sure.
Bill: "Do you have a problem with your gums? They're bleeding." "Well, they weren't bleeding when I came in here. I think you're doing that."
- Complaining about the dental hygenist making his gums bleed during his check-up:
- Louis C.K.'s bit about getting arrested: Because he doesn't have a driver's license, he is taken to jail no matter what if he's pulled over. So he doesn't feel the need to kiss the cop's ass:
Louis: (as cop) Do you know how fast you were going? (as himself) I don't know, like, a million? Uh, hey, fat pig!
Louie: Well... can I use my hands? Or do you just want me to go, "RISE, TESTICLES! RISE ON MY COMMAND!"
- Then when he got taken to jail and given a strip search, the cop told him, "Lift." Louis was confused by what that meant, and the cop elaborated: "Lift your testicles."
"What are you doing?! That's a red light! Let's go! What are you, an idiot?!"
- He told an anecdote about how his car horn kept beeping on its own. At first, he tried to apologize to people ("Sorry, I know. Yeah, it's weird, I dunno."), but then he embraced it:
"Hey lady walkin', you suck!"
- Dr. Katz tells Ray Romano: "Las Vegas, Ray, isn't really a city; it's more like a celebration of everything evil."
Ray: (as grandpa) Hey, that's Fat Tony, that's Jimmy the Weasel! It's pissin' me off.
- Speaking of Ray, his bit about the double standard between kids doing something and senior citizens doing the same thing. One instance was his daughter naming her toes, which everyone thought was adorable. But grandpa did the same thing and it wasn't taken as nicely.
Ray: Yeah, she would overfeed everyone. I used to tell my friends, "Look, when you're done with the meal, my mom's gonna try to give you more. All right, be careful, be very careful. Don't tell her you want a little more, 'cause she'll give you a lot. Tell her you're not even hungry, poof, you'll get a little bit more." And if you don't want any more... shoot her. Shoot the woman." (as friend) "No way, none for me." (as mom) "Oh, you take a little!" (as friend) "I don't think so, Mrs. Romano. Put it back, put it back in the bowl! Now hand the spoon the Ray, nice and easy into his hands... she's got a cannoli in her apron!" Shoot her, shoot her and land one. Don't braze her, that'll piss her off. She'll take a bullet and keep coming. "Oh! I warmed it up!" And then she won't go down; she'll flip it to your aunt, there's always a fat aunt back there. "Go get 'em! He's a runner!" It's like Planet of the Fat Aunts in my house.
- His bit about how he can't refuse second helpings from his mother:
- A couple bits from Denis Leary: His routine about the Darth Vader piggy bank which spouts sound bytes when you put a coin in it, and this exchange when Denis asks Dr. Katz what he does when he's angry:
Denis: Let's say I'm writing a book.
Dr. Katz: And let's say I'm writing a book.
Dr. Katz: It's called, "It's Not Important What I Do When I'm Angry."
Denis: Okay, I'm writing a book called, "It IS important What Dr. Katz Does When He's Angry" by Dr. Denis Leary, okay?
Dr. Katz: Okay, I reviewed your book...
Dr. Katz: ...And found it really not very insightful or helpful, and referred the author of your book, in this case, you, to my book.
Denis: Yeah. Well I've reviewed your book, okay, already, without even reading it, and since you reviewed my book so badly, you know what I say? I think your book sucks.
- A beautiful woman recognized Mitch Fatel on the street. He was stoked that he was recognized, and thought he was about to have sex. However...
Woman: Can I ask you a question?
Mitch Fatel: Yyyyeahh....
Woman: Are you retarded??
Mitch: "Mitch Fatel, comin' in on the right!"
- Mitch discussing etiquette in orgies:
Mitch: Oh God, I left Beverly out. The only way you could get away with that is to act like you think it's normal. "Oh that's just this big plastic doll I have simulated sexual intercourse with. Hey, but enough about me!"
- Mitch on his blow-up doll, and his date accidentally discovering it:
- Emo Phillips managing to turn the word association around on Dr. Katz
Dr. Katz: Shutter.
Emo Philips: Um... House.
Dr. Katz: Memory.
Emo Philips: How is memory related to house, doctor?
Dr. Katz: ...okay, you got me on that one.
Emo Philips: Yeah, okay; let me try a different one. Um, fisherman!
Dr. Katz: Uh... uh, seafood.
Emo Philips: Very good! Window.
Dr. Katz: Washer.
Emo Philips: Very good!
Dr. Katz: I think I'm getting much better.
Emo Philips: Yeah, you're great!
Dr. Katz: Whoops, you know what the music means.
- From the same episode, the music plays during the end of Emo's session.
Emo Philips: Yeah; the Peanuts special is on now!
- Furthermore, the fact that Emo is almost always in a different position on the couch when the camera returns to him - sprawled across the back of the couch, standing on it, sitting hunched up holding his ankles...
- Emo says he likes to go to the park and rip out nose hairs: "Those sleeping winos hate that."
- Eddie Brill's bit on replacement news anchors.
Eddie: (as a confused viewer) I WANT MY OLD GUY BACK!!! I WANT MY OLD GUY BACK!!!
- Dr. Katz tries relaxation therapy on David Mamet, but is really bad at it.
David: Are you planning on billing me for this session??
David: Yeah, but how can I believe in it? Basically, I'm paying you to say that, aren't I? Or am I?
- Also, David asks: "Can I ask something? Is there a difference between being relaxed and being bored out of your mind?" Katz replies, "I think being bored is part of it."
- Later in the episode, Dr. Katz shares his philosophy about therapy: It's appropriate to give encouragement.
Dr. Katz: Not at all; that's not what you're paying me for.
David: What am I paying you for?
Dr. Katz: I'm not sure.
- David Duchovny wants to shake things up, so he goes in the waiting room broom closet but gets locked in. When Ben enters the waiting room, Dr. Katz tells Ben that a patient is in the broom closet.
Ben: (winks) Riiiight. Sure there is. Yeah, there's always a patient in the broom closet. (pounding on the closet door) HEY BUDDY, GET OUT OF THE CLOSET, ARE YOU CRAZY?! ARE YOU CRAZY? OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT!
- Garry Shandling was dismayed that Dr. Katz forgot that his dad died. After sharing a happy memory of his dad:
Dr. Katz: You miss him, don't you?
Garry: I don't think it matters to you. You don't even remember that he passed away.
Dr. Katz: (desperately) It's coming back now.
- Don Gavin mentioned he became a vegetarian.
Don: I eat meat, too, but...
- Steven Wright:
Steven: I've been taking Robitussen. That's, y'know, I got a little bit addicted to it. I would try to get sore throats on purpose and stuff.
Dr. Katz: What about your fear of, of the clock? You think you can trace that back to when you were a kid?
Steven: Because at night, when I was a boy, sometimes I'd be downstairs eating my lunch, at midnight. And my mom was like, "No no, no lunch is the other twelve."
- While in the waiting room, Steven says to himself, "Ten more seconds, if her [Laura] not looking at me, I'm just gonna... throw that desk right out the window. Just to see if she looks up. (Beat) Eight, seven... (Laura looks up) No no, new plan, new plan. Just sit here, just sit here."
- His bit about how, as a kid, he was petrified of turning double digits, because he realized that hardly anybody dies before 10 or after 100.
- Brian Regan discusses how annoying it is to stay at a friend's house while touring, and they make him sleep on the futon.
Brian: It's like sleepin' on top of a doghouse: "Ohhhhh yeah, this is nice. Feelin' good about life!"
- Jeffrey Ross talks about his nephew:
Jeffrey: I ask, "How old are you?" He goes, "Six." I go, "If you could be any age, what would it be?" He goes, "Seven." I go, "Why only six or seven?" He goes, "They're the only ones I know." I go, "What about nine?" He goes, "What the hell's your problem?!"
- Mike Rowe (the comedian/writer, not the Dirty Jobs host) told Dr. Katz about how he called a woman he liked and his voice kept getting higher throughout the conversation because he was really nervous. By the end of it, his voice sounded like Mickey Mouse.
Mike: "You see that bald guy? (Mike looks annoyed) Go down to the bald guy..."
- He hates being bald because people use you as a "reference point", like when someone asks where the bathroom is.
- While Patton Oswalt was waiting for his appointment in the waiting room, he asked Laura if he could use the phone to check his messages at home. Instead of saying yes or no, Laura dialed the number herself and listened to the messages without giving Patton the phone. Patton squirmed and stammered as Laura giggled at his apparently embarrassing messages.
- Anthony Clark told about how a friend of his was in Italy and was a victim of pickpocketing: A woman threw his friend a baby; when the friend caught it, the woman's children ran up and grabbed what was in his pockets. He recommended that if you're ever in Italy and a woman throws you a baby, swat it to the ground.
Anthony: Swat it to the ground and yell, "I don't think so!" I'm just trying to take a bite out of crime.
- Winona Ryder doesn't trust Dr. Katz, so he wants to do the "trust fall" with her, where she falls and Dr. Katz catches her.
Dr. Katz: I actually learned this move in college. I was in a thing called encounter groups. And there was a woman in the group who never spoke, and the instructor asked her why, and she points to me and she says, "I don't trust him." He said, "Look, there's an exercise you can do. I want you to stand with your arms out at your sides, and I want you to fall backwards into his arms. In the process, he will earn your trust."
Winona: Did you catch her?
Dr. Katz: Well actually, about six years later, she wheels up to me at a convention...
Dr. Katz: Whoops, you know what the music means. Our time is up.
- Larry Miller describes how men think they look at a wedding (Cary Grant) versus how the pictures actually portray them ("Manson in a tux.").
- Ian Bagg: Once stayed at a friend's house who had a dog that would hump his shoulder. He wouldn't have minded, except the dog wouldn't look at him while he was doing it.
- He pulled out a nose hair with some tweezers, passed out, and when he woke up, there were four new nose hairs in its place.
- Dana Gould observes that women are attracted to men with wedding rings, and is frustrated that when he was single, he got no attention at all, and acted like Vincent Price when hitting on women:
Dana: (in Vincent Price voice) I couldn't help notice you sitting alone at the bar. Why don't you LOOK at me when I'm speaking to you?!
- Lew Schneider's bit about how his brother (Sam) and his names aren't "kids" names but sound like a used car dealership.
Lew: The ice is melting! But it's melting slowly. How long can my brain go without oxygen? I have to get to a warmer room!
- He recalled having a near death experience: Choking on an ice cube. The funny part about this isn't so much Lew, but the bored look on Dr. Katz while he's telling it.
- Tom Agna's bit about subverting the phrase "You can't take it with you". He wonders if you can, and imagines meeting St. Peter at the pearly gates:
Tom: (as St. Peter) Hey, Tom. How's it going? Hey... where's your stuff? (as himself) Oh man, this is gonna suck.
- Tried to defend his smoking addiction by saying it was a "hobby" (like collecting stamps), but realized that comparison doesn't hold water because he doubts there are any stamp collectors who wake up every morning and go: "Where are those damn stamps? I gotta lick one right now. Just a little lick to get me goin'."
- Bobcat Goldthwait recounted the news story about the woman who found a condom in her Big Mac. He said that she shouldn't win the lawsuit because she didn't stop eating right away:
Bobcat: (as the woman) Does your ketchup come in, like, little packets or something??
- Mitch Hedberg:
Mitch: I don't need a cell phone, I just hang around everybody I know, all the time. If someone wants something, they just say, "Mitch", and I say "What?", and turn my head slightly.
- Dave Chappelle: His bit about what the guys who are golden lassoed by Wonder Woman (and thus forced to tell the truth) would really say:
Dave: (as criminal) Damn, you've got some big breasts. I wasn't gonna say anything earlier, but you have squeezed the truth right out of me!
- Jim Gaffigan:
Jim: I don't like going on vacation, 'cause then you feel like you have to see everything. You gotta write everyone a postcard. You could be a genius, you try to write a postcard, you look like a moron: "This city's got big buildings, I like food, bye!"
- Robert Schimmel was skeptical that punching a shark so they won't attack you actually worked:
Robert: What if they weren't even gonna attack you? What if it's just swimming around and you come up and go, BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM! (as shark) "What was that for?" (as diver) "I thought you were going to attack me." (as shark) "Heh, I'm going to now. The other sharks were watching, it doesn't look good."
Robert: I feel bad for women; I mean, they're constantly bombarded with these stupid commercials. "Susie, how could you work eight hours a day and look so young and fresh and vibrant?" "Stay Free Maxi Pads." "Yeah. Did you hear the question I just asked you?"
- And this bit about women: