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Funny: Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist
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    Dialog between regular characters 
  • In "Glasses", Dr. Katz calls the office and Laura answers simply with, "Yeah?" Dr. Katz is understandably taken aback at how Laura answered the phone, but she insists: "I knew it was you!" He tells her something and she ends the call with "Whatever." A few seconds later, he calls her back and this time she answers: "Dr. Katz's office." Katz adds: "'K, now you have to work on the ending."
  • In "Electric Bike", Ben tries out Dr. Katz's bike but breaks it. He calls up Katz to say the bike sucks, is slow, looks funny, and people laugh at it.
    Dr. Katz: (agitated) Okay, Ben, we're gonna have to talk about this more tonight. And I think... I'm hoping that you realize you've made a big- hello?.... Ben?
  • In "Movies", when Dr. Katz wants to see "Love Strings" instead of "Firepower":
    Ben: Here's the deal, dad: Do what I say. And don't be an idiot. We go see my movie, it's a better choice. Um, I know what I'm talking about; I represent the youth of America, you should tap into that.
    • In the same episode, Dr. Katz's masterful impression of Marlon Brando in The Godfather. Even better is how Ben makes fun of how bad it is, sending Katz into a laughing fit.
    Ben: ...Are you gonna be all right, dad??
    • When the two are in the movie theater:
    Ben: If you could go to the movies with anybody, who would it be?
    Dr. Katz: Siskel & Ebert.
    Ben: (chuckles) No I mean, I mean realistically.
    Dr. Katz: (Beat) Siskel.
    (Ben laughs loudly)
  • In "Radio Katz", Dr. Katz thinks that hundreds (if not thousands) of people will be intently listening to him as a stand-in host on a therapy radio show. To which Ben replies, "Dad, this isn't the '40s; you're not FDR." He then gives a more realistic expectation: Maybe twenty people will be listening.
  • In "Chain Letter", Laura is sandwiched in the middle of a conversation between Dr. Katz and Ben: Katz is talking to her over the intercom, while Ben is on the phone with her. Neither side realizes she's trying to hold two conversations at once, which results in confusion about which of her comments is directed to whom. At one point in this madness, she says, "Shut your fat mouth", and gets rebukes from both Katz and Ben at the same time. The scene ends with Laura saying: "I CAN'T HANDLE THIS."
  • In "Big Fat Slug", Dr. Katz is on the toilet while Ben shouts to him the TV he's missing. Katz replies: "You're missing this!" And later in the conversation, he tells Ben to just slip the TV program under the door.
  • In "Ticket", Ben practices how Dr. Katz will behave in traffic court. Ben throwing him a trick question: "Now, if the jury deliberates, short time good, long time good...", and Katz replies, "I think in our case, short time good is the best." Ben cuts him off: "Yeah, there is no jury, you idiot, in traffic court." Ben also thinks it's a good idea to cry on cue in court, to which Katz lets out a practice version: "Eh eh eh eh eh eh..." Ben instantly changes his mind. Katz: "What if I just do one of these: "Waaaaaahhhh!!!""
    • Earlier in the episode, Ben wants Dr. Katz to practice on answering questions from hard-ass lawyers.
    Ben: (as a lawyer) Isn't it TRUE, Dr. Katz........ isn't it?
    Dr. Katz: (giggles)
    Ben: Answer the question! Yes or no?
    Dr. Katz: (coughs)
    Ben: What, do you have something stuck in your throat 'cause you're a liar?!
    Dr. Katz: I guess I don't understand the question.
    Ben: You don't understand?! Your honor, he doesn't understand! Ladies and gentlemen of the court, he doesn't understand! (Beat) You don't- (scene abruptly ends)
  • In "Bees and S.I.D.S.", Laura makes buzzing noises over the intercom to tease Dr. Katz's bee fears. Dr. Katz calls her out on it, and then:
    Laura: Is this the right time to talk about a raise?
    Dr. Katz: Stop it.
    Laura: Baby.
    • In the same episode, Ben's convinced he has S.I.D.S.
    Dr. Katz: Ben, sudden infant death syndrome.
    Ben: What if it's not so gradual?
    Dr. Katz: Hmmm... "gradual infant death syndrome"- you have G.R.I.D.S. (Ben throws a peanut at Katz's head)
  • In "Snow Day", Todd the video store clerk says that the video store is going to get packed soon, the argument being that when a big snowstorm hits, people rent movies. Ben is skeptical, and he adds: "And here's the other thing: I have never seen anyone in here, and I come here... pretty much daily."
  • At the end of "Ben Centennial", it's revealed that Laura's birthday present to Ben was wrapped in a patient's file. Dr. Katz's response:
    Dr. Katz: I applaud her. But first, I fire her. Then I applaud her.
    • Better yet, the file it's wrapped in is Dom Irrera's.
  • "Studio Guy": Dr. Katz plays the guitar and sings a heartfelt, melancholy song about feeling left out. After he finishes, Ben delivers his verdict: "That sucked."

  • Tom Kenny had a bit about how news programs are so desperate for material that they'll do the "what if" news:
    Tom: (as an anchorman) Today's earthquake out in the desert was a 1.9, just a small temblor, according to seismologists at UCLA. But what if it had been a 9.1? Would you survive? Would your family survive? Our 25-part series "surviving the big one" starts this week on channel 7 news. We urge you and your family to watch! What if the big quake hit? What if you were working in a store that sold nothing but sharp jagged knives made of glass? Would you survive? Would your family survive??
  • Dom Irrera's bit about how he was watching Dan Rather on the news while playing with his balls ("That don't make me gay or nothin', right?"); he was trying to see how far he could twist without snapping a whole ball sack off.
    • Speaking of Dom, his bit about how his grandpa had stinky breath from wine and cigars, yet always wanted to kiss him hello:
    Dom: (as grandpa) Hey boy, 25 cents for a kiss. (as a young version of himself) Grandpa, you're gonna have to come up with some bucks for this kiss! This is no small change transaction; we're talkin' endowment here, grandpa!
    • In "Radio Katz", Dom talks about how his uncle hated everybody, including Julius Erving:
    Dom: "The Doctor"? What the hell did he ever cure?" He said, "He was The Doctor of my ass, that's what he was the doctor of!" And I'll never get that image out of my head, of Julius Erving working on my uncle's ass.
    • His bit about his grandma shrinking: "I think she's nappin' in the Kleenex box, to tell you the truth."
    • Dom in general, from griping that Dr. Katz isn't helping him quick enough to his infatuation with Dr. Katz, including every excuse to pose provocatively across the couch ('Did you know I could put my leg behind my head?') or to touch Katz's face ('Who's got your nose?').
  • Richard Jeni, on a real life case where a woman crazy-glued her husband's butt cheeks together while he was sleeping:
    Richard: I always wondered if they stayed together. The couple, I mean. I dunno, that's gotta be weird. He comes downstairs the next morning... You can't accuse the wife right away, it's like, "Uh, honey, did you... crazy-glue my butt cheeks together while I was sleeping?" And she's over there, "All of a sudden, you're Mr. Observant! You didn't notice when I changed the curtains!"
  • Gilbert Gottfried's rambling story about going to Paul McCartney's house. According to Gilbert, Paul is actually a carnivore and the only thing holding him back from eating meat was Linda, who insisted that they're going to be eating rhubarb. At that, Paul took Gilbert outside:
    Gilbert: (as Paul) Look, why don't you kill one of those sheep? We'll just rip it apart with our bare teeth! (as himself) And I said, "No, Linda, I'm sure, will get angry." And then he said, (as Paul) "Well then for God's sakes, can I at least lick your arm?!"
  • Jake Johannsen's bit about rubbing salve on a dog's butt so it won't lick/bite it. He thinks it's a sick joke by the vet to make him look like an idiot. "Twice a day!" "D'ohhhh...." Then he wonders how bad the salve must taste; dogs already lick their ass, so it would have to taste "worse than ass flavor".
    Jake: (as dog) I can still kinda taste the ass in the salve; it's not that bad.
  • Kevin Meaney's bit about how company was always coming over:
    Kevin: (as mom) Mr. Richter's coming over. He just came from Sweden where he had a sex change operation! I don't want any of you to say anything about how he looks like a woman! You've got somethin' to say, you just tell her how pretty she looks!
    • His bit about hating staying in hotels because the housekeeping staff keeps bothering you:
    Kevin: [Bang bang bang bang bang, bang bang bang bang bang] (as housekeeping) Hello, housekeeping, housekeeping! Do you need more towels? Do you need more towels? (as himself) NO! I have about a hundred towels in the room right now! What man is going through 100 towels a day? I don't think I could get any drier! [Bang bang bang bang bang, bang bang bang bang bang] (as room service) Hello, this is, uh, room service. Would you like some chocolates? Come on, take a chocolate. Take-a two, taaaaaake-a twoooooo, chocolates! (as himself) I don't want the chocolates! LEAVE ME ALONE! If you're not in the room, they leave the chocolates on the pillow! I don't like that! You're coming home late at night, you don't see the chocolates! You're waking up four or five o'clock in the morning... "Oh my God, I pooped the bed!"
  • Jeff Goldblum, much like David Mamet, finds Laura refreshing, as opposed to most of the guests who find her rude and insufferable.
    Laura: (after being complimented) Really? Wow, that's very nice.
    Jeff: Easy. Tell me to shut up or sit down or something.
    Laura: Can you sit down?
    Jeff: (delighted) Yes, that's it.
    Laura: Seriously, can you sit down?
    Jeff: (proudly) Yes ma'am!
    Laura: Are you, like, really crazy, or...?
    Jeff: (fondly) You're sweet.
  • Dave Attell: "Dr. Katz, why am I such a cranky baby? You're a cranky baby, you know that?" And later in the same episode: "Come on, you bloodsucker, how long are you gonna suck my teat before you cure me? FIX THIS! FIX THIS!!!"
  • Rodney Dangerfield, on a traumatic memory: "The time I was lost at the beach. I asked a cop, "How can I find my parents?" He said, "I dunno, kid, there are so many places they could hide."
  • Joan Rivers's bit about how she cremated a relative but realizes after the fact: "Maybe I should've waited until she was dead", and then tries to justify it by saying she's busy and only had a limited time frame to do it.
  • Kevin Nealon, on aging: "My gums are receding. I mean, you can't tell, because I comb them forward."
  • Bobby Slayton wonders why women always ask if they look fat when they try something on: "Does this make me look fat?" "No, your fat butt makes you look fat! Why are you blaming it on the pants??"
  • When Lisa Kudrow had a phone therapy session with Dr. Katz, she mentioned how there's a person in her life that she can't stand. By sheer coincidence, the person in question called her up while she was still on the phone with Katz. Katz kept trying to coach Lisa on things to say to this person, but got tripped up when one of the things he told Lisa to say ("You're constantly playing the victim, you're being really passive-aggressive.") was replied with: "What does that mean?" Katz had a hard time succinctly describing to Lisa what passive-aggression meant, to the point where Lisa told a stammering Katz, "You have to pick it up." Lisa agrees to call the person back.
    Dr. Katz: He's gonna realize that you're being coached... by a guy who stammers.
  • Todd Barry's fake-out statement that his college GPA of 2.11 was a phenomenal score: "That's less than two points away from a perfect 4.0."
    Todd: That's a bad GPA, I was lying.
    Dr. Katz: Well that's what I thought.
    Todd: I was put on academic warning, then I was put on academic probation, and then they had a create a new category for me: I was put under academic house arrest.
  • In the therapy session with Ben Stiller, Dr. Katz abruptly says his catchphrase: "Oops, you know what the music means. Our time is up." But no music plays. Ben Stiller acknowledges this. Dr. Katz tells Stiller to hit the button on the desk near him; he does and the music plays like normal. Katz breathes a sigh of relief.
  • Joy Behar stresses about a play she's going to have a bit part in:
    Joy: What if I blank out? What if I walk the wrong way? What if I miss a cue?
    Dr. Katz: What if you do? What's the worst thing that'll happen?
    Joy: The audience will think I'm terrible, and the actors will hate me.
    Dr. Katz: And then, your life will still continue.
    Joy: It will?
    Dr. Katz: Yep.
    Joy: But what about the humiliation and the moment?
    Dr. Katz: .......I hadn't thought of that.
  • Bill Braudis complains that he gave his wife an engagement ring so she'd marry him, but wants it back: "I need the cash."
    Dr. Katz: That's not how it works; she gets to keep the engagement ring.
    Bill: Ohhhhhh. Could you write this down for me?
    Dr. Katz: ...Sure.
  • Louis C.K.'s bit about getting arrested: Because he doesn't have a driver's license, he is taken to jail no matter what if he's pulled over. So he doesn't feel the need to kiss the cop's ass:
    Louis: (as cop) Do you know how fast you were going? (as himself) I don't know, like, a million? Uh, hey, fat pig!
  • Dr. Katz tells Ray Romano: "Las Vegas, Ray, isn't really a city; it's more like a celebration of everything evil."
    • Speaking of Ray, his bit about the double standard between kids doing something and senior citizens doing the same thing. One instance was his daughter naming her toes, which everyone thought was adorable. But grandpa did the same thing and it wasn't taken as nicely.
    Ray: (as grandpa) Hey, that's Fat Tony, that's Jimmy the Weasel! It's pissin' me off.
  • A couple bits from Denis Leary: His routine about the Darth Vader piggy bank which spouts sound bytes when you put a coin in it, and this exchange when Denis asks Dr. Katz what he does when he's angry:
    Denis: Let's say I'm writing a book.
    Dr. Katz: And let's say I'm writing a book.
    Denis: Okay.
    Dr. Katz: It's called, "It's Not Important What I Do When I'm Angry."
    Denis: Okay, I'm writing a book called, "It IS important What Dr. Katz Does When He's Angry" by Dr. Denis Leary, okay?
    Dr. Katz: Okay, I reviewed your book...
    Denis: Yes?
    Dr. Katz: ...And found it really not very insightful or helpful, and referred the author of your book, in this case, you, to my book.
    Denis: Yeah. Well I've reviewed your book, okay, already, without even reading it, and since you reviewed my book so badly, you know what I say? I think your book sucks.
  • A beautiful woman recognized Mitch Fatel on the street. He was stoked that he was recognized, and thought he was about to have sex. However...
    Woman: Can I ask you a question?
    Mitch Fatel: Yyyyeahh....
    Woman: Are you retarded??
    • Mitch discussing etiquette in orgies:
    Mitch: "Mitch Fatel, comin' in on the right!"
    • Mitch on his blow-up doll, and his date accidentally discovering it:
    Mitch: Oh God, I left Beverly out. The only way you could get away with that is to act like you think it's normal. "Oh that's just this big plastic doll I have simulated sexual intercourse with. Hey, but enough about me!"
  • Emo Philips managing to turn the word association around on Dr. Katz
    Dr. Katz: Shutter.
    Emo Philips: Um... House.
    Dr. Katz: Memory.
    Emo Philips: How is memory related to house, doctor?
    Dr. Katz: ...okay, you got me on that one.
    Emo Philips: Yeah, okay; let me try a different one. Um, fisherman!
    Dr. Katz: Uh... uh, seafood.
    Emo Philips: Very good! Window.
    Dr. Katz: Washer.
    Emo Philips: Very good!
    Dr. Katz: I think I'm getting much better.
    Emo Philips: Yeah, you're great!
    • From the same episode, the music plays during the end of Emo's session.
    Dr. Katz: Whoops, you know what the music means.
    Emo Philips: Yeah; the Peanuts special is on now!
    • Furthermore, the fact that Emo is almost always in a different position on the couch when the camera returns to him - sprawled across the back of the couch, standing on it, sitting hunched up holding his ankles...
  • Eddie Brill's bit on replacement news anchors.
    Eddie: (as a confused viewer) I WANT MY OLD GUY BACK!!! I WANT MY OLD GUY BACK!!!
  • Dr. Katz tries relaxation therapy on David Mamet, but is really bad at it.
    David: Are you planning on billing me for this session??
  • David Duchovny wants to shake things up, so he goes in the waiting room broom closet but gets locked in. When Ben enters the waiting room, Dr. Katz tells Ben that a patient is in the broom closet.
    Ben: (winks) Riiiight. Sure there is. Yeah, there's always a patient in the broom closet. (pounding on the closet door) HEY BUDDY, GET OUT OF THE CLOSET, ARE YOU CRAZY?! ARE YOU CRAZY? OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT!

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