The original Harry Potter series has numerous characters, all of whom Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles changed drastically for the sake of preserving its Christian Aesops. In no particular order:
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Hogwarts Students
Harry Potter
A young boy who lives with his atheist aunt and uncle on Privet Drive, which is now located in an American suburb. He was raised non-religious, but converts to Christianity almost immediately after meeting the evangelical Protestant Hagrid.- Adorably Precocious Child: The narrative treats him as this, pointing out how smart and obedient he is at every opportunity.
- Easy Evangelism: Converts to Christianity right after learning about it.
- The Fundamentalist: The second he's converted, he starts parroting the viewpoints of evangelical American Christians.
- Kiddie Kid: If he's supposed to be eleven like canon Harry, he acts far younger than one would expect him to. He still refers to his parents as "mommy and daddy", immediately trusts every (Christian) adult he comes into contact with, and speaks like a seven-year-old.
- Stay in the Kitchen: One of the first things he does is think that Aunt Petunia should be the one making brownies, not Uncle Vernon.
- Turn to Religion: Does this almost instantaneously upon learning that Christianity exists, thus filling the feeling "that something was missing in his life".
Hermione Granger
Dumbledore and McGonagall's only child, a sweet and quiet Girly Girl who's very concerned about her appearance.- Adaptational Modesty: Not that Hermione was promiscuous in canon, but here, she's so concerned with modesty that she refuses to follow Harry into the dorms for fear of causing a scandal. (For context, they are eleven.)
- Derailing Love Interests: In canon, she and Ron are the Official Couple (although not without controversy). But here, it's implied that she and Harry like each other in a Puppy Love way, with Harry frequently commenting on her beauty and submissive personality. Ron, meanwhile, was turned into a Slytherin Hat who, while still Christian, is the wrong kind of Christian, ensuring that he and Hermione are unlikely to wind up together.
- Extreme Doormat: Much mention is made of her obedience, she acts very shy and demure, and she seems to have no real ambitions or goals of her own.
- Girly Girl: Unlike her canon counterpart, she puts a lot of effort into her appearance.
- Girl Next Door: Of the "prettiest girl at church" variety. She's described as being very cute in an extremely modest, demure way.
- Housewife: Seems poised to become one.
- Kiddie Kid: Much like Harry above, she acts like a primary schooler, not a pre-teen.
- Men Are Strong, Women Are Pretty: She's so weak that she can't even open a door by herself, and much fuss is made over her beauty.note
- Puppy Love: She and Harry have shades of this.
- Related in the Adaptation: In the original series, her parents were Muggles, and they came up so infrequently that the fandom didn't even know their names. Here, she's the daughter of Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall, who were both childless and single in canon. Not to mention that canon Dumbledore is gay, at least according to JKR. Bizarrely, her surname is still 'Granger'.
- Tender Tears: Cries at the drop of a hat when Voldemort comes up. It'd be slightly more understandable if this was canon Voldemort they're talking about, but this story's version of Voldemort is a Hollywood Atheist who poses no real threat to anyone.
- Women Are Delicate: She's so delicate that she can't even open a door on her own, and and she sheds Tender Tears over absolutely everything.
Dean Thomas
A friend of Harry and fellow "Gryffindor Hat".- Flawless Token: Heavily implied. The character is canonically dark-skinned in the books, and in this fic it's often mentioned how articulate he is and how neatly he dresses.
- You Are a Credit to Your Race: The narrator seems to think so, always commenting how eloquent and proper he is.
Ronald Weasley
Harry's roommate, and a "Slytherin Hat" (heavily implied to be this universe's equivalent of Catholics). Because the story treats Catholics as targets of derision, Ron is often on the receiving end of not-so-subtle criticism from the "Gryffindor Hats", the equivalent of evangelical Protestants.- Artistic License – Religion: Slytherin Hats/Catholics are portrayed as worshipping idols and treating Mary like God. While these are both talking points for Christian critics of Catholicism, any Catholic will tell you that that isn't how it works.
- Jabba Table Manners: Stuffs his face with bacon, eats oatmeal with his hands and shoves handfuls of fried brussels sprouts in his mouth.
- Redhead In Green: A redhead who, as a "Slytherin Hat", wears green.
- Token Good Teammate: Implied to be this to the "Slytherin Hats", seemingly only joining because the rest of his family is there and wondering if he really made the right choice.
Draco Malfoy
A "Ravenclaw Hat" who is over-the-top sexist (as opposed to being realistically sexist, like the heroes.)- Adaptational Jerkass: An interesting example considering he was already a bigot in the books, but the target of his bigotry is different. Draco hates muggles and half-bloods in the books, but here, he's a Straw Misogynist.
- The Fundamentalist: Ravenclaw hats are implied to represent Fundamentalist Protestants; as opposed to Gryffindors' Evangelical Protestants.
- Heel–Face Turn: Has one induced on him by Harry during their "pray-off", turning him into a Gryffindor Hat.
- Straw Misogynist: Exists only to be this. Malfoy believes that women shouldn't have careers because women are stupid. Harry, meanwhile, believes that women shouldn't have careers because women are inherently nurturing and should Stay in the Kitchen.
Luna Lovegood
A "Hufflepuff Hat" that Harry meets.- Hollywood Atheist: Subverted in that she's still a Christian, but in the eyes of the writer, progressive Christians might as well be atheists. As a "Hufflepuff Hat", she doesn't believe in following the entire Bible (just the "judge not lest ye be judged" part), she apparently wants to be a career woman like Petunia, and claims to Harry that her group is super tolerant "as long as you agree with us".
- Hufflepuff House: She only appears in one chapter to show what Hufflepuff is like, and doesn't receive the same amount of prominence Ron and Draco get.
- New-Age Retro Hippie: She has the appearance and mannerisms of one.
- Straw Vegetarian: She's a (supposedly) arrogant hippie stereotype who's shown eating vegetarian bacon.
Adults
The Dursleys
A family of Hollywood Atheists who raised Harry. Vernon is a House Husband and Petunia is a "career woman", and both treat the works of Richard Dawkins like a religion. They believe in evolution and eschew traditional gender roles, thus making them villains.- Adaptational Nice Guy: In a stark contrast to the strained at best relationship the Dursleys have to Harry in the books, here they are loving adoptive parents, "corrupting" Harry with their non-traditional ideologies notwithstanding.
- Demoted to Extra: Petunia is the one doing most of the talking — Vernon only shows up once to take brownies out of an oven, and Dudley shows up once to beg Harry not to leave.
- Hollywood Atheist: They treat evolution like theology and worship the works of Richard Dawkins, referring to "the Dawkins" the way Christians would refer to the Bible.
- In Touch with His Feminine Side: Uncle Vernon, from what little we see (and are told) about him. Although Hagrid claims both he and Petunia go out to work all day and leave Harry (and presumably Dudley) with a babysitter, so it's hard to tell.
- Tomboy: Aunt Petunia is a businesswoman who never wears makeup, her clothes consisting of 'practical boots' and an 'unflattering pantsuit'.
Albus Dumbledore
The headmaster of Hogwarts, now married to McGonagall and the father of Hermione.- Adaptational Sexuality: This fic was written some time after his sexuality was confirmed by Word of Gay, but he's portrayed as Happily Married to Minerva McGonagall.
- Badass Preacher: A reverend and the story's Big Good.
- Big Good: The headmaster of Hogwarts, who's always willing to help Harry and answer his questions.
- Related in the Adaptation: He's Hermione's father here.
Minerva McGonagall
Dumbledore's wife and Hermione's mother.- Chickification: From a Badass Stern Teacher to a feminine housewife.
- Housewife: Has no real role outside of being Dumbledore's wife and cooking for everyone (or asking God to do the cooking and cleaning for her).
- Informed Attribute: She's supposed to be a good cook as part of her status as a housewife, but she's rarely seen cooking; instead, she (or someone else) just prays to God to give her freshly-cooked meals, and He always complies.
- Related in the Adaptation: She's Hermione's mother, despite not sharing the same family name for some reason.
Hagrid
A teacher at Hogwarts, and the one who introduces Harry to Christianity.- Cowboy: He's dressed like a cross between this and a lumberjack when Harry first meets him.
- Knocking on Heathens' Door: He introduces himself to Harry after knocking on the Dursleys' door to ask if they've been saved.
- Mr. Fanservice: The author likes to draw attention to his chest hair for some reason.
Snape
Another teacher at Hogwarts, and the head of the "Gryffindor Hats".- Adaptational Attractiveness: He's a Sharp-Dressed Man here as opposed to the greasy, pale figure he was in the books.
- Adaptational Heroism: A Sadist Teacher in the books, while here he's a Jerk with a Heart of Gold at his worst.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: While he's fully devoted to Dumbledore's cause, he's blunt in telling the students that their lives as "Gryffindor Hats" will be rough and dismissive of the other Hats.
Tom Riddle/Voldemort
The Big Bad, who wants to eradicate Christianity. Or not.- Affably Evil: He's apparently trying to destroy Christianity, but he seems to prefer lobbying to Congress to do it rather than do anything evil. It's a hint to his true nature.
- Author Avatar: His actions in his only chapter imply he's this to whoever the true author of the story is, assuming it's a Troll Fic.
- Hollywood Atheist: He's a Flat-Earth Atheist who wants to make Christianity illegal. He actually only parodies this archetype online, but the protagonists take it at face value.
- Troll: He runs a Reddit account where he pretends to be every Hollywood Atheist stereotype to troll both fanatical Christians and the atheists who actually embody these stereotypes. He gives it up and admits to being a troll when he realizes that the residents of Hogwarts took the joke seriously.
