Blog / Mark Reads Harry Potter
In the blog of Mark Reads Harry Potter
, SHIT GETS REAL AND YOU ARE NOT PREPARED!
Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Harry Potter
After suffering through Twilight
, Mark decided to embark on the project of reading Harry Potter
(which he'd never read before) and review it on his blog one chapter at a time and even though at the beginning he was not quite sold now it's REAL HARD because THIS SERIES IS SO AMAZING AND ADDICTIVE
AND J. K. ROWLING IS A FUCKING GENIUS
! HE WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS SHIT! CHECK IT OUT RIGHT NOW!
The result was an epic, five-month journey through all seven books of the Harry Potter
series, finishing the series on October 30th, 2010. He's now re-reading the series.
See also Mark Reads Twilight
. Mark is also now branching into other series
, including Firefly
, The Hunger Games
and Doctor Who
. Check them out!
- Aborted Arc / Despair Event Horizon: Mark gave up reading My Immortal after a rape joke in Chapter 20.
- All There Is to Know About "The Crying Game": In his review of the first chapter, Mark outlines his meager pre-existing knowledge of the series. One of the things he knows is that Snape kills Dumbledore. He doesn't know why, or when, or what makes it a spoiler, just that it happened. He manages to turn this into a Running Gag by writing "Oh no, watch out Dumbledore :(" every time the two are in a scene together.
- He also thought that it would happen in the last book, so the ending of Half-Blood Prince remained a huge shocker for him even with that spoiler.
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Before his review of Goblet of Fire Chapter 10, Mark says "There's also a great deal of commentary on slavery, oppression, privilege, and why Percy is so goddamn annoying."
- Author Catchphrase: "Shit gets real" and "you are/I am not prepared", the latter having been started by his followers during his Twilight blog.
- His friend Kasper coined the phrase, "Haters, please familiarize yourself with the left-hand evacuation procedure", which Mark now uses regularly.
- He eats potato babies because he is a godless sodomite. Which is now a gif. Mostly it's just the potato babies that people quote.
- He begins all his reviews with a short summary of the chapter, followed by "Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Harry Potter."
- Also GIFs. Lots and lots of GIF love.
- "Die in a fire." and variations, when referring to characters he doesn't like.
- Berserk Button:
- The presence of Malfoy or Umbridge will almost certainly piss him off. Especially Umbridge.
You worthless, authority-obeying, mindless piece of shit. I cannot remember a literary character EVER filling me with this much rage, contempt, and disgust AND GUYS I HAVE READ THE ENTIRE FUCKING TWILIGHT SERIES.
I will seriously take the entire four books of Bella whining over EVER reading this fucking BULLSHIT, SHITTY PERSONíS WORDS EVER AGAIN.
- Two downplayed ones with regard to Rowling's writing: her habit of recapping the previous story in each book's first few chapters, and her habit of Harry finding things out by overhearing conversations.
- Bold Inflation: The opening to this page should give you an idea how Mark uses ALL CAPS to MAKE A POINT.
- Also italics, regular bold text, and sometimes even ENLARGED TEXT.
- Random mashing of the keyboard for rage.
- Cluster F-Bomb
- Disproportionate Retribution:
- Early Installment Weirdness: Mark's reviews of the first few chapter of the first book were snarky and condescending. Then he was won over by the chapter where Hagrid shows up at the Hut-on-the-Rock and then all was right with the world.
- Those first few chapters were a holdover from the other series he'd read and blogged about. Mark hated Twilight with a passion.
- He's by no means the first Harry Potter reader to find that Philosopher's Stone gets off to a slow start.
- Fanboy: He unabashedly adores the series, faults and all. Although he is quick to bash any faults he finds, but most of the time something else that's awesome distracts him.
- Hypocritical Humor: Chapter 4 of Order of the Phoenix has Mark semi-seriously telling Harry to, among other things, stop yelling at people, in all-caps.
- Horrible Judge of Character: In one isolated incident, Mark gave this prediction about Umbridge in Chapter 11 of Order of the Phoenix.
I don't feel she's evil anymore. Shoot me. I know we're supposed to think she's this forboding character who will fuck everything up, but come on. She cannot be that bad just because she's "traditional" in some sense. I mean, she will probably be difficult, but it'll be an interesting way to bring up some sort of conflict between Harry and her. Or maybe Hermione. But yeah. I'm not buying this whole "YOU SHOULD TOTALLY HATE HER IMMEDIATELY" thing
- You can guess how he responded to the following two chapters.
OH, JUST FUCK EVERYTHING. Do you know how unbelievably embarrassed I am for that last review? Do you realize how foolish I feel at this very moment for what I wrote?
We are not going to talk about Binns. We are not going to talk about Snape. We are not going to talk about Trelawney. We are not going to talk about how this chapter has suddenly turned into Harry Potter and the Bickering Bickerers.
We are going to talk about Dolores FUCKING Umbridge.
Iíll just start off this way:
- Killed Mid-Sentence: Poor Hedwig :'(
- Lighter and Softer: Mark Reads Twilight was Mark constantly ranting at the sheer stupidity of the characters, the plot destruction, the racism, etc., while this blog is Mark thoroughly enjoying reading a good series.
- Mad Libs Catchphrase: [Person] [verbs] all the [nouns]. (Hermione knows all the things, Umbridge should die in all the fires).
- Medium Awareness: A staple of his Harry Potter: A Play segments.
HARRY: You wouldn't believe it. I just spied on a secret conversation between Snape.
HARRY: He is TOTALLY planning on stealing the Sorcerer's Stone.
[Music rises in pitch and tempo.]
HARRY: I think Quirrell put some anti-Dark Arts spell on the room, too!]
HARRY: I don't know. It's been following me all day.
HERMIONE: Wait, so...Quirrell is the only thing protecting the Sorcerer's Stone?
RON: Dudes. That's like trying to protect a vault with tissue paper.
- "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer: sometimes shows up in his footnotes when quoting directly from the source material during his Harry Potter: A Play reviews.
- O.O.C. Is Serious Business: It's pretty clear how much Mark loves Hagrid: The first chapter he's introduced, Mark already wants to marry him. Bear in mind that Mark generally has no interest in marriage, as his Twilight reviews made clear.
- Perverse Sexual Lust: Mark has declared Hagrid his leather daddy boyfriend.
- Review Blog
- Script Fic: the Harry Potter: A Play segments, another holdover from his Twilight reviews.
- Something Completely Different: Mark has reviewed chapters from the point of view of characters, including Hedwig more than once, transcribed IM conversations he had with his friend Kasper while reading the chapter for the first time, and more.
- Take That!: Quite a few against Twilight.
- These typically take the form of Mark mocking Stephenie Meyer whenever he finds a good example of Show, Don't Tell, the lack of such in Twilight being an early complaint he had.
- In the last chapter of Deathly Hallows, Mark has Cedric go up to Harry and co and talk about how he's "spent the last five years trapped inside a book that glorifies abuse, shame, and mediocrity" following his death, a reference to the fact that him and Edward Cullen are portrayed by the same actor.
- Twitter: Mark wrote one review in-character as Colin Creevey tweeting Harry's every action.
- You Are Not Ready: YOU ARE NOT PREPARED.