Now, I’m going to be watching this baby using my VHS player but you guys can watch this animated masterpiece by using this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggmOeBnbyXI
Now that we’re all able to watch this beauty, let’s HOP right in! ...Yeah, that was an awful pun. Sorry.
So, the pilot episode opens with... well, the opening. Actually, it is just scenes from the episode edited together to the theme song. And I will admit... I REALLY like this theme song. It has a really nice ‘60s surf rock vibe to it. It has expository lyrics in there but it works so well with the music that it just makes it all the more catchier. Seriously, I’m going to be humming this thing for the next week and a half. It’s off to a good start... and then, the actual cartoon starts playing.
So, the episode begins with a chicken-shaped spaceship carrying a human princess and a talking bird scientist being shot at in the depths of space... wow, first minute into the episode and it already looks like the writer was smoking crack. Although, things do get weirder as the show progresses... trust me.
It turns out the vessel that was shooting the chicken-shaped spaceship was being controlled by the black bikini-clad villainess known as the Dark Queen, the Big Bad of the series. The Dark Queen is apparently after the Space Princess’s amulet on her necklace. Why is she after the amulet? ...I don’t know they never explain why. I’m just assuming she just wants to look pretty. She also has a crew of farm animal warriors as her mooks. It makes sense. So, The Starship Chickenprise manages to escape the Dark Queen’s sight.
- Dark Queen: She won’t get away. Her Royal Guard is wiped out. Her only friend in the entire universe is that crackpot Professor T. Bird. Who could possibly save her now?
And before you can say “Answer Cut”, we cut to our heroes (Morgan Ziegler, Dave Shar, and George Pie) who are in the Principal’s office getting screamed at for being pathetic losers at life.
- Principal: You three are the biggest losers in the history of Waldo P. Oxnard Junior High. And why? Because you are a bad influence on each other, so I’m splitting you three up.Morgan: But sir, you can’t do that.George: We’re our only friends in the entire universe.Principal: From now on, you don’t sit together, you don’t hang out together, you don’t get in 30 yards from each other. Understand?Future Battletoads: Yes, sir.
Wow, this is truly some gripping dialogue showing how the school system is not only trying to ruin their friendship but ruin their spirit to thrive... I actually made that sound way better than it actually is. This is really just some bad dialogue and some very contrived conflict that doesn’t really go anywhere.
Afterwards, these three friends go on to their daily lives to show how they really are “the biggest losers in the history of Waldo P. Oxnard Junior High”. First off, George (the fat one) tries to play a game of basketball but ends of demolishing the hoop, the ball, and everybody on the court. This is why fat people don’t play sports... well, I’m not really slim myself.
- High School Student: Get lost, toad.
Umm... foreshadowing?
Next off, Dave (the street thug) is trying to make posters for the big game. However, what he ends up painting... actually looks pretty awesome. Seriously, look at that thing... it looks badass. Unfortunately, none of the other students have my keen eye for good art and laugh at his work.
Finally, Morgan (the nerdy one) tries to help with organizing on the computer. However, after simply typing on the computer, Morgan MAKES THE COMPUTER EXPLODE.
Now, let must take a break and start discussing some of the things you might have noticed about the Battletoads cartoon (well, if you’re actually watching the Youtube link, anyway). The first thing is the animation... the animation isn’t that good. The animation for the pilot isn’t really that impressive, it looks kind of stilty. It works OK for the simple comedy parts with the high school situations but in the more action-oriented scenes like the beginning space battle and the upcoming fights with the Battletoads. It just looks unimpressive. But then again, the cartoon was produced by the dicks of DIC Entertainment (You get it!) whose company letters literally spell out “Do It Cheaply”. Another thing you might have noticed is that the voice acting for these characters IS NOT good. Seriously, all of the voices in this cartoon are varying degrees of Large Ham and Narm... the worst offenders are probably the Principal and the three kids. Seriously, just imagine reading the quote you saw above with the Principal in the most ridiculous voice possible... this guy’s performance would still be more ridiculous. Meanwhile, the three kids embody the incredibly stereotypical high school voices found in early ‘90s cartoons. Morgan has the annoying nerd voice, Dave has the wannabe cool kid voice, and George has the surfer idiot voice.
Now, back to the dumb plot, Space Princess and T. Bird are lurking through a mysterious castle. They manage to found their way to some hidden tombs. Apparently, in these tombs lies the one thing that can save Space Princess from the Dark Queen’s clutches.
- T. Bird: Yes, the genetic essence of the Battletoads, the guards of {Space Princess’s} ancestors.Space Princess: But the Battletoads were wiped out eons ago.T. Bird: But with this essence we can create a new generation of Battletoads to protect you.
Anyway, the Dark Queen’s vessel manages to find the two scavengers and starts destroying the castle. T. Bird decides to teleport himself and the Princess to a planet so insignificant that the Dark Queen didn’t even bother to conquer. Can you guess what that planet is? You guessed it, Earth. With the help of “some weird teleporting stick”, the two transport themselves to that lame blue planet.
Meanwhile, the three upcoming-Battletoads are playing an arcade game in a supermarket, lamenting on their sad existences.
- Morgan: Man, wouldn’t it be awesome if real life was like this? Battling alien monsters, warping between the galaxies.
And before you can say “Be Careful What You Wish For”, Space Princess and T. Bird come straight out of the arcade. The three boys just stare in shock.
T. Bird ends up explaining their situation to the three boys, while the clerk of the place just reads the paper like nothing is happening. T. Bird convinces the three boys to come on “the adventure of a lifetime” and “become the most legendary warriors in the universe”. Since the boys’ lives can’t get any worse... and since they apparently don’t have relatives that care for them, they agree to the talking bird’s offer and get sprayed by some bad Gatorade to became THE BATTLETOADS!!!
Now, after being promised to “become the most legendary warriors in the universe” and then turning into giant frogs, the guys are not that amazed. But before they could Angst about their situation, the Dark Queen and her minions arrive... through a slurpee machine. It makes sense. The Dark Queen ends up capturing the Princess... and the two end up in a strange position.
I’m not saying anything... I’m just linking it.
- Dark Queen: Now, Princess, you are mine.
You are seriously making this way too easy.
However, the Battletoads will not allow anything kinky to be performed, so Morgan (now Zitz) throws an ice cream freezer at the baddies. They run away but the Space Princess manages to get hit by it. But rather than getting flattened like a pancake, Space Princess manages to get out from the top and enjoy a popsicle. What...? Was there a hole in the freezer?
Then, the Battletoads start battling the Barnyard Mooks and discover they have “Smash Hits”, which are actually abilities where the Battletoads could actually transform their hands and feet into any weapon they could think up. This was actually something from the original game, glad they were actually able to incorporate something cool from the game.
- George (now Pimple): Life is one big basketball game.
Wait, what?!?!
The Farm Mooks end up getting defeated when the Battletoads... splashes them with slushies and nacho cheese. Wow, this is getting more and more lame. So, the Dark Queen and her forces retreat using their own “weird teleporting stick”... but not before the Dark Queen gives the generic villainous “I’ll see you again” dribble.
And it looks like the Battletoads have saved the day... for now, anyway. This liveblog post is already getting too long. See you next time, where we’ll found out... if things actually start getting interesting.
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