Halfway. We've made it halfway.
...We're going to have to suffer through everything we already have.
As an aside, I wonder how you're supposed to pronounce that name. Is the "ch" a "chuh" sound, or a hard "k," like in "Tekken?"
The gang approaches Techen, somehow having absolutely no problems leading a small herd of horses behind them the whole way. She ain't a pretty place. But "if half the stories are true," their stay should be a pleasurable one.
Why? Because supposedly, "A feast in Techen is worth two anywhere else!"
...I mean, ho-wee, author, what a bizarre thing to be totally predictable about. Every single meal Alex has eaten "on camera," as it were, has been a total mouthgasm. Every. Single. One. Just once—just once—I would like Alex to eat a meal that is subpar and unremarkable. I want a Lethal Chef to show up somewhere. Just to be different. Just for that little bit of variation.
Oh god. Desperation is setting in. Only halfway in (...doesn't sound like such an achievement when I put it that way), that can't be a good sign.
At the gate to the city, they are stopped by a little... gnome-like fellow, who appears to be the cousin of the gatekeeper to the Emerald City from The Wizard Of Oz. (I used to do a killer impression of that guy—"WHO RANG THAT BELL?!"—but that's neither here nor there.) He is called Bartholomew, and he seems mighty suspicious of our traveling party—especially given all the horses they come a-bearin'. There haven't been many travelers of late, y'see.
I dunno about you, but to me, this seems slightly... menacing. "You-can-check-in-but-I-don't-know-if-you'll-check-out" kind of menacing.
Barty directs them toward a man named Tantic (is he antic?), who runs an inn, but takes Vendor Trash horses for... some reason. Maybe he manages a ranch in his spare time? Barty gives them instructions, though, and off they go.
Apparently, this visitor's visit is so monumental, the may—er, magistrate demands to be told, too.
In a Bloo voice: "Su-SPI-cious!"
While Bartholomew runs off with his not-at-all-suspicious news, they go to the inn while delicious smells waft around them. Including things like fresh bread, honey, and (to Alex's surprise as well), chocolate and maple syrup.
You may think I'm going to mock this. But I'm not. One of those fantasy things I've grown accustomed to—that, for once, isn't horribly mangled here—is the presence of distinctly New World foods in a seeming Medieval European Fantasy. Plus, given the apparent size of the map they're traversing, it well could be that Eviltopia is the Fantasy Counterpart Culture version of North America, so things like chocolate, maple syrup, and any and all foods based on domesticated plants of the nightshade family (tomatoes, potatoes, chili peppers) would be logical here.
Combine this with the "ice rooms" in the magic bag, and I may actually have to give this two out of 100.
Dwarfaxe Jr. notices that, for a town it's size, it's quiet. Too quiet.
Scald the Hyena: "Oh lol they're just suspicious of strangers is all lololol."
I can't help but picture a whole bunch of dead-eyed townsfolk staring at Alex-tachi as they pass, expressions vascillating between utter absentness and pure contempt. With some Enrico Morricone playing in the background.
Combining this with the air of warmth given off by the smell of cooking, I'm really not sure what impression we're supposed to be getting of this town. Is it homey and welcoming, or just a few miles north of Silent Hill?
Of course, the man who greats them from the Inn only furthers the confusion by being bouncy and all gussied up in blue. So yes, I'd say he's antic. But is he Tantic?
Of course he is. He has interest in buying bandit ponies and letting these people stay the night. He tells them to put their own ponies in the stables, and let the rest into the corral, which he just so happens to have on hand.
He's an innkeeper! Who randomly deals in horse trade! Because why the heck not? We also get some banter that's probably supposed to be "funny" about selling the saddles along with the horses, because what good is a saddle without a horse. (If you're playing Scribblenauts, darn useful when you need to get an NPC to stop moving.)
Alex, of course, goes to the stables all by himself to have some alone time with his Snugglepony.
When suddenly, a creepy, raspy-voiced man who's not Tantic sneaks up behind him and asks if Shahree is for sale!
Dun dun DUUUUUUUUN!
"You see much," said Alex, feeling uncomfortable under the old man's gaze.
Just say "no," Alex! Stranger danger! Stranger danger! Kick and scream! Get away! Tell a responsible adult! Like Olaf or Tayo! (...But probably not Andy.)
But avoiding someone you find creepy? No; that would be taking incentive! And heaven help us if Alex does that. Besides, this is plot talking to him right now!
Creepy Old Guy (COG): "Tell your leader I have information."
Information that's probably in the form of a gun to kill him.
No, seriously, folks:
DANGER! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! That's no good! You gotta get out of there!
But what does our ever-lovable weak-backed li'l scamp do? He agrees to talk to Olaf, of course. And not in the "I'll say this to make you go away" sense. This is Alex, so you know he means it. Sweet fancy Moses in a sidecar.
Back in the inn, Tantic (is he also tantric? ...No, wait, I probably don't want that answered) reveals that he plans to sell the horses to the city guards, because they think that'll let them catch the bandits on their own. Except the magistrate probably won't be happy. Those foreign ponies. Though everybody has a laugh about it and drinks to his unhappiness.
Su-SPI-cious!
Seriously, this town is the creepiest thing in the book thus far.
But let's see how the group reacts to Alex's encounter with COG! After Alex accidentally chokes himself on some horrible, burning drink—I'm going to guess cheap vodka—he brings it up when Arconn notes he "seems troubled."
Alex: Hey, guys, a creepy old man approached me in the stables, and he said he wanted to "talk to" you guys after the inn was deserted. He made me uncoffertable in my tum-tum.
Dwarfbeard: WTF?
Arconn: Yikes! Alex, that's... not good.
Andy: Nobody touches my Alexikins!
Olaf: Alex, than man sounds very dangerous. He probably wants to hurt us or take our treasure. You should have left right away and told us. We're going to have to be on the lookout now, but thank you very much for warning us.
HA! If only. No, this is how they actually react:
Everyone: Sweet! Free information! Bastard'll probably make us pay, though.
Arconn in particular: Woo! Let's have a party while we wait!
...Do you people have any sense of self-preservation at all, or did it just get bred out of you elves, since you're all immortal.
Insert Techen Food Porn here. NEXT!
Hey, here's the magistrate! Is he going to tell them that their town doesn't cotton well to strangers?
...No, he tells them once they're done with their adventure, he'd love to hire them to kill them even more bandits.
And then he leaves the story forever.
Please take me with you, magistrate! Please! I don't even care if you have an annoyed look!
While waiting for dinner, everybody goes out buying souveniers and noticing how nobody in town talks to them. And that's the unceremonious note we end on while, like big dumb ducks, they sit around waiting for COG to show himself.
...Su-SPI-cious!
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