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Looks fine to me.
Vehicle Based Characterization | Grief Induced Split | Locker Mail
Just looking at the grammar, your rewrite is much better than the first version.
The first version didn't make sense grammatically, and the second version does, so it's a definite improvement. My only concern is that saying something "deserves a mention" is often a form of Word Cruft; just go straight to mentioning it, or, better yet, punch it up a bit by hyping the tracks' awesomeness before moving on to the individual examples.
^ Like this?
- Despite being a compilation album of B-sides, Incesticide still has some great tracks.
When I first grouped the Incesticide songs into one entry with sub-bullets on Awesome Music.Nirvana, I added the description below, part of which (from "manages to" onwards) was then removed by mlsmithca for not making sense in terms of grammar according to them.
Because I wanted the Incesticide entry to follow the pattern of the other album entries on the page, I came up with this new description.
I set up this query after being advised on the Get Help With English forum thread to take one of the measures listed in the Edit War page (this query being one of the possible ways) to gain a consensus and avoid my addition of the new description look like an edit war. Here's the links to my post
and the advice
in case anyone wants to see them.
So, do you think the new description would fit grammatically?