All Purpose Frozen Fanfiction Thread

"Don't look at me!" Belle yelped as soon as Anna made eye contact with her. "NO!"

"What? But, why?!" Anna asked.

"Rules of the Disney Princess franchise," Aurora stated very seriously. "Whenever we pose all together, we can't look at each other. Or else, the girls might get the impression we live in the same world and start writing e-mails asking for crossovers."

"What? Honestly, that's the stupidest thing I've ever—" Anna began.

"What's an e-mail?" asked Elsa.

"So you all have to keep on staring in different directions?" asked Anna.

"It's easy once you get used to it and grow coordinated enough with the others..." Snow said.

"Despite the fact we are never in the same universe..." added Rapunzel.

"That's just too stupid. I'm not doing it. I'll look wherever I want to!" Anna protested.

"That's what Merida and me said at first..." a haunted Jasmine said, "but... they have their ways... to convince you..."

Merida nodded, rocking back and forth at a corner, in a fetal position.

Anna sighed. "Okay. Like I'd want to look at you weirdos anyway. Can I keep looking at Elsa? We're from the same movie in the first place, so they'll have no problems with that, right?"

Ariel doubted before looking aside. "I honestly don't know, that's never been an issue before... what do you think, Pocahontas?"

"I'm Mulan."

"Oh, sorry, I wasn't looking at you..."

The evil Crone cackled as she began pushing the giant boulder towards the Dwarfs.

"Look out!" Grumpy pointed up at her, through the rain. "She's got a—"

Then a voice rang, "Sword of Truth, fly swift and sure, That Evil die and Good endure!"

The Crone gave an agony scream as the sword plunged into her chest, and then she plummeted into the abyss.

The Dwarfs turned around to look at the smiling young man on the horse. "Dammit, Philip!" Doc cried. "You just appeared out of nowhere!"

The young man smiled. "Wherever there's a comatose young Princess, I'll always be there!"

—-

Ursula rose from the roaring waters, tentacles swining around in all directions. Eric's heart tightened in his chest as he drove the boat towards her. It was everything or nothing now, but he had to do it for Ariel, for—

Then a voice rang, "Sword of Truth, fly swift and sure, That Evil die and Good endure!"

The Sea Witch gave an agony scream as the sword plunged into her chest, and then she disappeared between the waves.

Eric turned around towards the other young prince, horseriding at the shore. "Dammit, Philip! Stick to your own transforming creatures of darkness, will you!"

"Bitch please, I've been doing this long before you ever came out the drawing board!"

—-

"Jafar!" Aladdin shouted as the red Genie rose above the sands, laughing madly. "You have forgotten something! Every Genie has—"

Then a voice rang, "Sword of Truth, fly swift and sure, That Evil die and Good endure!"

The red Genie gave an agony scream as the sword plunged into his chest, and then he exploded into a deafening boom that sent chunks everywhere.

"... I think I can write a whole thesis on why that shouldn't have worked," the blue Genie said.

Aladdin turned towards the smiling young prince on the horse, who held an adoring Jasmine against himself. "Dammit, Philip! I was trying to prove a point here! Outsmarting the villain should work every once in a while!"

"Bitch please, who needs outsmarting when you have a magical sword!"

Flora rasped.

"And three helpful magical bitches!" Philip added.

"I'm not sure that is an improvement at all," Flora said.

—-

"Rapunzel?" Eugene asked as he advanced towards her through the darkness. "What's—"

Then a voice rang over Rapunzel's muffled screams, "Sword of Truth, fly swift and sure, That Evil die and Good endure!"

Mother Gothel dropped the dagger in her hands, gave an agony scream as the sword plunged into her chest, and then she fell out through the window.

Eugene shook a fist towards the smiling young prince riding a horse. "Dammit, Philip! You couldn't ran me through! Wait, how did you pull that throw anyway? I was in the middle, and, and, how did you get that horse in here, since we're at it?"

"I'm that good!"

Flora rasped.

"Sorry. The magical little bitch is that good," Philip corrected herself.

"Why do we still hang with this fucker anyway?" Merryweather asked Fauna, who shrugged.

"And anyway," Philip told Eugene, "your horse fights with a sword in his mouth, and you're asking me how mine climbs towers? Oh, and give me my crown back, will you?"

"He's not my horse, and I don't have your fucking—" Eugene then sighed, looked into his pockets, and handed Philip a golden crown with an air of exasperated dismay.

—-

"Next time, Star Butterfly!" Ludo shook a tiny fist at her while his minions marched back through the portal. "Next time I will for sure YYEEEUUURRGHHH!"

Because then a voice had rung, "Sword of Truth, fly swift and sure, That Evil die and Good endure!"

Ludo gave an agony scream as the sword plunged into his chest, and then he stumbled back through the portal.

Star angrily turned towards the young prince on the horse at Marco's garden. "Dammit, Philip! We still had half a season to fill with that fucker!"

"Bite me, Steven Universe reject! OLD SCHOOL, HOOOOO!"

—-

Anna smiled as she slowly walked towards Hans. "Oh, Hans, Hans. The only frozen heart around here is yours..."

Then a voice rang, "Sword of Truth, fly swift and sure, That Evil die and Good endure!"

Hans gave an agony scream as the sword plunged into his chest, and then he tumbled and fell back into the water.

Anna spun around towards the young prince on the horse. "Dammit, Philip! I... you... he...! Ahhh, never mind, whatever," she said, waving a hand.

"Well, even if I spent the whole ficlet being a dick, I still retain some standards!"

Aurora, Cinderella, Merida, Snow, Rapunzel, Elsa, Anna, Tiana, Belle, Pocahontas and Mulan eagerly surrounded her from all sides.

"Oh, tell us, tell us, Ariel!" Snow giddily asked. "Having a child, how's it like? The pregnancy? The childbirth? The nights and days taking care of the baby? Everything, please tell us about everything!"

Ariel's mouth twitched randomly under the huge black bags under her eyes, then she began bawling uncontrollably, tugging on her hair.

The other girls traded worried looks immediately.

And that's why you haven't ever seen any other Disney Princesses having children, and why Merida and Elsa never married.

Charming's father had an attack shortly after.

"Slasher of the Dark Bay..." Anna read aloud.

Rapunzel nodded. "Mm-hmm."

"Vampire Horrors of the Countryside..." Anna said, taking another of the books.

"That's right! I think it has a lovely style!" Rapunzel smiled.

Anna's eyebrows twitched as she grabbed yet another book. "The Shadow of Terror Over The Capital...?"

"I have heard from good sources it's a classic!" Rapunzel beamed.

"I can't believe it!" Anna said. "Why does a sweet girl like you like this kind of books?!"

"Well, my mother used to bring them for me all the time. She called them documentaries on the outside world..."

"Look at the big jerk. He ruined my life, and for what? A stupid kid! Because of you, I am stuck in this frozen wasteland!" Mike growled at his longtime friend.

"Wasteland?" the Snowman piped in. "I think you mean 'Wonderland!' I mean, how about all this fabulous snow, huh? Oh, and wait until you see the local village, cutest thing in the world. You get great offers and discounts there, too. I haven't mentioned all the free wolf's milk."

"Wh...What did you say?" Sulley paused in the discussion to give him a shocked look.

"Wolf's milk," the Snowman repeated. "Milking a wild wolf isn't exactly a picnic; but once you pick the hairs out, it's very nutritious..."

Then a voice was heard from downhill, resounding through the whole mountain pass.

"Let it go, let it go. Can't hold it back anymore. Let it go, let it go. Turn away and slam the door! I don't care what they're going to say. Let the storm rage on, the cold never bothered me anyway!"

The Snowman sighed. "Excuse me a moment, okay?"

He walked towards the cavern's entrance, picked a rock up, then tossed it downhill while shouting, "AHHH, SHADDAP! I'm trying to have a decent talk with my friends here!"

"It's funny how some distance makes everything seem OOOWWW!" the same voice came from down below before a silence only broken by the moderate blizzard returned.

The Snowman walked back with Sulley and Mike, smiled at them, then sat down. "Never mind that. Sometimes you get weirdo visitors around here. Please continue!"

"I don't know why, but I get a hunch some people are going to really hate us from now on," Mike quietly said.