The Roleplaying Forum's GM and Player Critique Thread

I think it's more because my writing is laconic in general; I've been marked down on classwork because I've turned in pieces that are too short to get the message across to the teacher.

edited 15th Aug '14 7:42:42 AM by Deadbeatloser22

Ah, I see. Hmm, from what I recall of the Beacon City stuff, your posts were shorter than some others, but I don't remember them being hard to react to.

Your lack of posting was the main issue there.

edited 15th Aug '14 7:45:04 AM by joergenjetsam

Which leads me to point two.

Out of boredom, I'd like to ask: how is my RPing at the moment?

Gavril's a monster who ironically seems to wind up with babysitting duties, what it seems like.

Prose? Eh, her language feels natural at least. I don't think the writing style itself particularly does anything to draw me in, but doesn't do anything to turn me off either

edited 16th Aug '14 7:21:21 PM by tvtropesnoob

@Vox

I think you are a very good player but like tvtropesnoob said you need a bit more passion on your posts to stand out more. Your characterization with Gavrill is very good and I like the interactions she has with other characters a lot. But I think a bit more details on your post would make them even better.

edited 17th Aug '14 12:25:50 AM by RPGLegend

@Vox: I miss how you RPed Eddie Riggs, ages ago.

@Vox: Your style tends to be "to the point" most often, as I pointed out when you impersonated Chabal.

As I'm equally curious, some feedback here'd be nice too.

@Joerg: I can't really tell since I don't know them Toehoes, but your style is readable aside from a few SPaG mistakes here and there.

I still would like some feedback too (not related to SP a G).I want to improve my storytelling too.

@Joerg I think you are a very good player and I liked interacting with your characters, I am a fan of Nitori for instance. The only thing I would like to see is you doing are longer post but that's only because I enjoy very much your shorter ones.

edited 17th Aug '14 12:55:52 AM by RPGLegend

I would like a general review of my writing in Welcome to Beacon Server -2 and Ultimate server, please.

I am not terribly confident of my writing as a whole, so I'd love some advice. As time has gone on, I feel like I've improved, but I'm not sure. I would love an outside opinion, and ANY advice you could give me would be exceedingly helpful.

I took a look at the mentioned RPs and I can't parse them — they're a bit too Cracky for me. Are participating (or have you participated) in any other RPs?

edited 26th Sep '14 8:53:52 AM by desdendelle

I've decided to open myself to critique.

I can cop, due to my psyche, to being...well, difficult to like.

In fact, I'd probably expect people here to critique me harshly. Have next to nothing good to say about me at all.

Some of my arcs are Grimdark with no real reason for it. Some of my humor can be off key, and I can react harshly to things that may be nothing at all.

Some of my twists, in retrospect, were horribly predictable, and I cannot see that many surprises.

And some of my characters might've been overbearing / overpowered relative to others.

So now that my punctuaion sucks much less . I am opening to constructive criticism again :)

Anyone still glancing at this thread?

Now that I've partaken in a few RPs, I'd like to know of those that have seen my writing what they think of it and where I should improve.

edited 30th Apr '15 11:20:54 AM by Nickpws

Spelling and grammar for starters.

Usually edit that in afterwards when I notice it. I'm aware of it.

Anything else, though?

Can't think of anything ATM (RL's being a bitch) but if anything will come up, I'll be sure to tell you.
PS: you missed that greengrocer's apostrophe.

I'll kill your next of kin >8C

Was it that bad? Added joking mode to avoid further confusion.

edited 30th Apr '15 11:55:52 AM by Nickpws

I hope that's a bad joke.

I think there would be a lot of logistics errors in his plan if he was being serious.

So like, would it be a bad thing to play characters from the same(ish) canon in two different crossover R Ps?

I don't see why it would be.

What the slug with Kamina's glasses said

This isn't even an RP from this site.

So, I've got two different characters, a pair of siblings. One is the political version of a Tykebomb, whereas the other is just a straight-up Tykebomb.

So we've got the older sibling, Kairen. She's a genetically-engineered psychic empath, which basically lets her cast and remove Berserk on almost everyone. She has two moms. One is a megalomaniacal leader of a science-cult that works for a multidimensional conquerer. The other is a nigh-immortal alien empress who she nor her evil mom has ever actually met.

Kairen was created for the express purpose of using her ancestry to inherit said alien's empire. As such, she was raised as Mommy's Little Villain, so that her mother could use her as a puppet ruler, made possible by the fact that Kairen's hybrid genetics left her incredibly sick and utterly reliant on her mother's technology to survive.

The younger sibling, Theo, is the traditional Tykebomb. Pure human with extremely brutal and abusive training to desensitize him to violence and make him a compliant living weapon. Has luck-draining powers, which passively makes him luckier and his enemies unluckier over time in an area around him, meaning that as long as he doesn't die immediately, he can win against anything. The perfect one-man army. So they had him torture animals and vivisect children and such, which drove him thoroughly batshit. However, his mom also let him play nice with his sister Kairen so that he would be loyal to her puppet, and therefore her.

This doesn't work out because one day Theo's getting the shit kicked out of him as a punishment for some minor offence and Kairen comes to his aid. Mom kills Kairen for defiance, causing Theo to flip his shit and kill Mom out of revenge. Then Theo limps out of the lab they were in, is rescued, and then the lab explodes in a nuclear detonation.

Theo gets kind-of defused, becoming a reclusive cynic whose only knowledge of what he missed being a child supersoldier comes from the Internet. He represses his childhood memories to be able to function basically in society.

Some plot shit goes down, shit gets real. Theo meets some normal kids with superpowers like his own, flips his shit and goes all X-23 rage trigger because amongst those Kidd is an alien from that empire his sister was supposed to inherit. He kills that alien guy, but circumstance has said alien Come Back Strong.

So Theo is regarded as a fucking psycho at worst and a loose cannon at best, and the group keeps him at a distance. After the murder, Theo calms down and silently freaks out over having killed a guy. He ends up disassociating from it all and treating the situation like a giant joke.

Surprisingly, the group tolerates him better like this. The aforementioned alien kid eventually reads his memories while Theo is passed out and learns WHY Theo's such a fuckup, but ends up turning into a negative-energy monster shortly afterwards.

Right now the vengeful ghost of an evil, crazy Theo from an alternate universe is driving him completely axe-crazy by telepathically playing a specifically-tailored breaking speech to him on repeat. Theo doesn't know this and thinks it's the team's telepath, setting the scene for some lovely team killing.

Anyways, the aftermath of this is Theo un-repressing these painful memories, allowing him to use a time-displacement device to grab his sister's corpse from the lab before it explodes, allowing the team healer to ressurect her.

So begins character arcs.

Theo's arc is about deciding if he's even capable of being "normal", or if he should embrace his nature as a born killer and simply live to kill, but on his own terms. His personal development revolves around repairing his incredibly a broken social skills and Might Makes Right morality so that his team can actually stand his presence.

Kairen's arc is basically summarized as I Am Not My Mother, as she's basically the spitting image of her, personality and talent-wise. A born ruler to Theo's born killer. However, while she's trying to avoid becoming Mommy's Little Villain, she is actively modelling herself to be a Princess Classic, despite this making her a really shitty ruler, torn between being Lawful and Good, as she wants to be loved by EVERYONE, even if their approval isn't something you want.

Her personal development is dealing with the fact she is REALLY clingy and terrified of people leaving her, as well as her general naïveté causing her to misinterpret concern and general platonic affection as romantic love.

My question is: are these characters interesting and original? Are they rounded? Is their abusive background more of an excuse than a reason? Is Kairen as fleshed-out as Theo? Does Theo's character arc even make sense?

Please send help.