Troper Critique Club

I find odd how many of the numbers were cenrored. I mean what, even the number of civilians?

Also, why the Highway and Task Force names are [REDACTED] instead of ████?

The Mobile Task Force was [REDACTED] because it would've had too many letters, but I'm thinking of just black-barring the Highway to a four-letter bar.

Let's say that the exact number of deaths is left to the imagination.

Is there any reason the doctor tried to terminate the SCP other than for shits and giggles see if the number SCP-048 is really cursed?

Warm hugs and morally questionable advice given here. Prosey Bitchfest

I hadn't decided the main motive (no one is sure why exactly the doctor did it), but there are a few possiblities:

• For the Lulz.
• For the Evilz.
• He was a little off and really thought that SCP-682 would bite the dust that easily.
• He was ignorant about the exact nature of SCP-048.
• It was an attempt to expose the Foundation/bring the end of the world.
• It was a sabotage attempt by another organization.
• A SCP made him do it.
• Someone spiked his coffee.

In short, this is suppose to be vague.

Hmm... It doesn't feel quite clinical enough. Looks too much like a piece of fiction instead of documentation.

That's the problem. I want a mix of formalness and over-the-topness that wouldn't get deleted off the page upon addition.

Apparently, SCP has a little of a problem in terms of tone.

Okay, speaking as a member of the site with a bigger soapbox than the chatroom...

First and foremost there really isn't a need for more "ooh, let's kill 682!" test logs. Look at the fucking page. Look at it. You're welcome to add one, but the 682 termination log has reached ridiculous proportions.

Thoughts as I read through log:

should be "temporarily designated SCP-048" for conciseness

should be "carried out by" not "carried through by"

"as an attempt" is totally superfluous and should be removed. As a note—clinical means objective, detached, and for the purposes of a creepypasta wiki, cold and completely callous. Not pretentious. Don't use unnecessary phrases.

The organization that contains SCP objects is referred to as the "SCP Foundation." SCP is a modifier, and as such, "SCP" shouldn't be used and "the Foundation" should. It should be "Foundation databases."

"didn’t exclude"—what the hell? Just use "included."

"SCP-███"—an SCP is never a security measure for another SCP. You. Don't. Mix. SC Ps.

Wait, what the hell? Why the hell are Foundation agents rescuing 682?

O-23 is the RP group. It doesn't actually, well, exist.

"and used a varied arsenal, not limited to ballistics, tanks, bombers technology developed from SCP-██, [DATA REDACTED]. Cruise missiles were also deployed"—this ain't an action movie. The detailed description of the weaponry used to take 682 down is unnecessary. "Upon deployment, MT Fs Iota-5, Delta-5, Zeta-9, Pi-1, and Gamma-5 proceeded to subdue and re-contain SCP-048." Done.

You cannot "categorize" something into a designation number.

"terminate surviving civilian witnesses"

?!

Are we going for the unnecessarily Grimdark Foundation? Please, no. Class A Amnesiacs are you friend.

Notes are unnecessary. If you want extended breaks from the clinical tone, write stories. Not juvenile notes unfitting of professional researchers.

That being said, I'm really unsure as to why this was posted here, on the tvtropes forums, as opposed to here, where other members of the site far more well-versed in the nuances of the Foundation universe and tone than me can help you.

edited 26th May '11 7:07:31 PM by Chubert

Whatcha gonna do, little buckaroo? | i be pimpin' madoka fics

On the subject of The Grimdark Foundation, you may want to read that little thing on Dr. Clef's staff page about good and evil. The Foundation isn't evil, they're pragmatic. You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette. They ARE trying to save people, it's just quite often impossible.

@Bigbadwulfie:

A few pages ago, I promised to critique your story if you sent it to me via e-mail. However, that email address is down for some reason. Is there any other way you can get it to me?

Project progress: The Adroan (102k words), The Pigeon Witch, (40k). Done but in need of reworking: Yume Hime, (50k)

Critique request

Poem History

I was wondering if this poem could get critiqued. I turned it in for school about last winter. It was a perfected draft from a poem about one year from then (meaning it was first penned in about late 2009). I wrote it about a girl I was madly in love with for a long time. It was too painful to finish at the time, and a year later I found I was distanced enough to make it it's own work.

She gave it a 100% and said it concerned her and that my mother should see it. I wanted actual criticism and got none other than she liked my skill. I showed many friends and classmates and it blew them away. I want to know what what you guys think, since I have only showed this to people I know in person. Also, I know the title is cliche', I almost finished another version called "The Cliche'", but it's the best fitting one I think for this poem.

Though the poem has a glimmer of hope, in real life, it didn't end well. I tried, but it crashed and burned spectacularly with the girl saying she felt like I was stalking her with my attempts to communicate with her and send her a couple of poems. It was in the moment of trying to figure out what to write about her I wrote this, which actually relates about a past girl I fell for, who happened to be my best friend. That... didn't end well either, it actually ended worse and messed up a lot of my life, more with school than on an emotional level.

Though, you might be asking "why are you telling me this?" Well, I want to show just how serious this poem is to me. This one is very deep for me, and I do not want anything said about it to be in jest or taken lightly. I want any critique taken with honesty and grave seriousness. Telling the history of it shows just how serious this poem is for me. Thank you if you managed to read this far before the actual poem.

Lastly, steal it and I will sue, I am not joking. This is one of my best poems. (Not that I think any regulars here will steal it, but this is a public forum and anyone can read it.)

---

THE FINAL ACT

It keeps eating me away. The thought of not being here to stay. I've seen this sad old play A boy, a man, he delays, Cause' when he's around her he doesn't know what to say. But this decision takes him far, far away. Now I know that this time he won't stay and remain at bay. He's making his move today. I know this scene, Not even a game of chess can be won without a queen. Is this just another hopeful dream? Now I see the final act, And I see the crowd about to react.

Now he becomes frantic, He starts up screaming antics. He needs to figure this out, He needs to stop being in doubt.

He needs to figure out how to articulate, Someone needs to instigate, he needs to propagate, HE NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING OR ELSE HE WON'T BE AROUND! I ask because the matter of the fact is that we are approaching the final act. The curtains are about to come down, And hopefully, I'll still be around.

edited 26th May '11 9:33:23 PM by jasonwill2

as of the 2nd of Nov. has 6 weeks for a broken collar bone to heal and types 1 handed and slowly

How old were you when you wrote this?

edited 26th May '11 9:37:39 PM by Leradny

Why do you ask?

edit: why do you ask, your scaring me.

edit: I wrote the first rough draft at 18, and perfected it at 19.

It was finished and signed with my signature on my first printed copy on 2/17/2011 at approximately 10:02 AM Eastern Standard Time.

Is that specific enough?

edited 26th May '11 9:45:33 PM by jasonwill2

as of the 2nd of Nov. has 6 weeks for a broken collar bone to heal and types 1 handed and slowly

I'm asking because it will affect the harshness of my critique.

I wrote it when I was 18, cleaned it up a year later when I was 19. though it related many events from when I was 15, and drew many emotional parallels.

edit: ok, seriously, this is killing me. Is it that bad?

edited 26th May '11 10:01:07 PM by jasonwill2

as of the 2nd of Nov. has 6 weeks for a broken collar bone to heal and types 1 handed and slowly

um, it's been half an hour since I told you. Is it that bad that you'v written that much?

as of the 2nd of Nov. has 6 weeks for a broken collar bone to heal and types 1 handed and slowly

Right then.

• Your biggest problem is... well, first off, THE LINE WRITTEN ENTIRELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS. That is quite unprofessional, nor does it fit in with all the other lines. Also, the fifth's line's similarly inconsistent "'cause", which should really be changed to "because".

• What is the goal of this poem: To describe something, or to tell a story? Nothing happens in this poem, so it's not a narrative. That would be perfectly fine, if I had a clear sense of the emotion you're describing. Is it urgency? Panic? Sadness? Suicidal thoughts?

• You appear to have written the poem around the rhymes, rather than around the central theme. There is no other reason I can think of for having eight consecutive lines with only one rhyming syllable. Also, why "articulate", "instigate", and "propogate" were used randomly in the last hectet.
• There is neither an established structure, nor is this clearly a free-form poem. I did mistake the first part for an unformatted sonnet, until I counted the lines. Eight lines with the exact same end syllable is quite repetitive and comes across as dull to readers. The next three lines share a rhyme, and then there is a couplet. Then, a standard quartet with AABB rhyme scheme. Then a hectet.
  • If you had a structure in mind, have it make sense. It would have been less jarring if you evened out the stanzas so that they were more balanced, or shortened/increased their length in order.
  • If it's freeform, don't be afraid to mix it up.

• The imagery is inconsistent—they don't seem to be related to each other in any way. First the metaphor of something "eating away" at the narrator. Then you compare it to a play. Then the metaphor switches to a game of chess, in the middle of the play metaphor. Then, the quartet, which only mentions screaming and doubt. Then you switch back to a play. See how this gets confusing to readers? Keep the imagery in one area.

• Inconsistent Point of View—that is, you use third-person "he", and then abruptly switch to first-person "I". Poems that have a story to tell—especially those that are not of epic-length—need the POV to remain consistent. I was quite confused at the first switch.

• Even with the inconsistency, you repeat things. This should not be a problem with works as short as a non-epic poem. The narrator "has to figure out" something twice in four lines. You rhyme "around" with "around", "away" with "away".

---

I don't doubt the authenticity of the experience which inspired you to write this poem, and I'm not trying to discourage you. It's just that poems have extremely rigid structures due to their length, and even the so called "freeform" verse needs a lot of work. Poets need to be consistent within their pieces, to convey images or stories to their readers clearly and quickly.

Getting across narratives or vivid images across in a page or less, without unnecessary repeats or being incoherent/inconsistent, is a skill that requires—again, not trying to discourage you—an incredible competence with words.

This isn't the worst thing I've ever read, but you're very shaky with the fundamentals of poetry.

edited 27th May '11 11:44:12 AM by Leradny

This amuses me. Though I am not offended in anyway by the criticism given. It makes many good points. I therefor submit two other poems for someone else to critique, as I want to prove the quote wrong.

Also, I am up for the next two critiques that come in after this since this will make three poems.

First poem: Is me, the poet, explaining while in some poems the last rhyme subverts the rhyme scheme.

second poem: You don't want to know what it is about.

---

Untitled1 Dated: Dec. 24th, 2009

"That last line, It doesn't rhyme!"

That's just the William style. It's been that way a while. Now I see you crack a smile. Are you still in denial? That's just my style.

---

Untitled2 Dated: Fall of 2006

I've walked through the darkness of shame. Where everything looks the same. Blood covered walls symbolic of this pain.

Where sometimes I still fret, Over what I still regret, And what I can't seem to forget.

Is there anything to gain, Other than the feeling of this pain? The feeling of this shame? Knowing that I'm the one to blame?

edited 26th May '11 11:43:16 PM by jasonwill2

as of the 2nd of Nov. has 6 weeks for a broken collar bone to heal and types 1 handed and slowly

I want to know what it is about. It sounds angsty right now.

If any question why we died/ Tell them, because our fathers lied -Rudyard Kipling

Not a chance in the world would I tell anyone. I never have told anyone what is about, for I am not completely sure myself, but I have a good idea.

edit: wait, the poems? you mean the poems right? Also below my avatar...

edited 26th May '11 11:56:55 PM by jasonwill2

as of the 2nd of Nov. has 6 weeks for a broken collar bone to heal and types 1 handed and slowly

Sorry to bug everyone with this again, but I finished revisions to the first chapter. If the flashback thing at the beginning doesn't work and is beyond hope, I'll nuke it out of orbit. I don't think the exposition was that bad— it's all broken up.

WARNING: Well over 3,000 words.

Warm hugs and morally questionable advice given here. Prosey Bitchfest

I guess that falls to me then. I'll get to when I am more awake and alert. It's currently 1:52Am. You don't mind waiting a few hours before I read it, do you? I am at a low right now energy wise.

Though I will probably end up reading it in an hour or two.

as of the 2nd of Nov. has 6 weeks for a broken collar bone to heal and types 1 handed and slowly

Read it whenever you feel ready. I'm on my way to sleep as well.

Warm hugs and morally questionable advice given here. Prosey Bitchfest

I read until "7 years later" (not your fault, like many people I have short attention span on the internet).

It's quite a good intro, it makes the reader wonder what's going to happen next and what exactly is the kind of magic they are talking about. But I still don't know if the characters are human or something else, its a bit vague.

There aren't much expressions in the dialog (I mean physical expressions, how they look and act while they say something), which is a shame because the dialog itself is not bad.

edit: you can just post something you wrote here right, you don't have to register for a critique wait list or something right?

edited 29th May '11 1:06:02 PM by honorius

If any question why we died/ Tell them, because our fathers lied -Rudyard Kipling

OK tackling this chapter. 3k words isn't a whole lot anyways.

as of the 2nd of Nov. has 6 weeks for a broken collar bone to heal and types 1 handed and slowly

THIS PROBLEM. WHY MUST I ALWAYS HAVE IT. IT HAUNTS MEEEE -headdesk-

Warm hugs and morally questionable advice given here. Prosey Bitchfest