Directed by: David Straiton
Written by: Sara Hess and Liz Friedman
Evan Greer (Jason Lewis) plays Dr. Brock Sterling on Prescription: Passion, Dr. House's favorite soap opera. While filming a scene of that show, he falls down, bleeding from his mouth. It's okay, he was just acting: the director calls cut and Evan gets up, deriding his co-star (Kristina Anapau) for being genuinely worried about him. He changes into his regular clothes and takes a chauffeured car back to his apartment. Except that the driver is one Gregory House.
Princeton-Plainsboro gets a surprise accreditation visit from Dr. Jaime Conway (Rob Benedict). Dr. Cuddy's talking to the inspector at the precise moment that House parks a town car in the ambulance bay. House explains to Evans that his average line reading has gotten a tiny bit slower. But Evan refuses to be examined by House, acquiescing to let House run just one test.
House tests Evan's field of vision, telling the patient that he has "significant losses" in the upper right quadrant, but an MRI will be needed to confirm. Dr. Foreman comes in and informs him that the hospital is undergoing an accreditation inspection. But House already knew this. Foreman looks at the test readout and contradicts House's interpretation: House was lying. Evan leaves angrily.
In an elevator, House sedates Evan and takes him to the MRI. In the MRI room, Dr. Hadley questions why House chose to sedate the patient for a "completely painless" MRI scan. House answers that it's because the patient "has a history of violent outbursts during surgical procedures."
Dr. Taub says that House is confusing Evan Greer with his character on Prescription: Passion. House asks Taub if he watches the soap because of he himself likes it or because his boss likes it. Taub explains that he watched it when he was unemployed, House dismisses that as "an apology."
Evan wakes up as the MRI reveals nothing wrong with him. Hadley and Taub try to sneak Evan out of the hospital, so as to avoid paparazzi. Also, if he complains to Dr. Cuddy he would just be playing into House's hands. But that doesn't dissuade him, instead he redirects to the front entrance and shouts "This hospital's staffed by lunatics and criminals!" This draws Dr. Cuddy's attention just before he falls down, complaining about his foot. Evan of course blames House for this.
House visits the Prescription: Passion set to talk to his co-stars. House wants to know Evan's penis size, and doesn't feel the need to explain why it's medically relevant. One of his co-stars says she made out with Evan but didn't go much farther than that. House concludes that Evan is impotent because he eats too many sunflower seeds.
Both Dr. Cameron and Dr. Hadley refuse to show their breasts to Evan. Cameron suggests using magazines from House's porn collection. Evan looks at the porn and Hadley monitors his vitals from the next room. Soon Hadley's convinced Evan's "naughty bits" are working properly. But then he's headed for cardiac arrest.
Conway finds out about House's patient. Princeton-Plainsboro gets off with a slap-on-the-wrist fine of $200,000.
Dr. Wilson and Dr. Volakis shop for a mattress. She leaves the decision to Wilson, she'll be happy with whatever choice he goes with as long as she gets to help him "break it in." Wilson decides to buy a waterbed. But then he dislikes it so much he goes to the living room to sleep on the floor. Volakis likes the waterbed until she realizes Wilson's not on it with her.
This episode contains examples of the following tropes:
- All That Glitters: Evan tries to explain to Dr. Kutner and Dr. Taub that his life as a daytime soap opera star is not as glamorous as they think it is. If anything, Evan would rather be like them, real doctors who save real people.
- "Eureka!" Moment: Dr. House realizes something while staring at a pillow with a floral design at the furniture store.
- Show Within a Show: Prescription: Passion. We've seen clips from this show in prior House episodes. Dr. House loves Prescription: Passion unapologetically. Dr. Taub also watches it, but for him it's one of his Guilty Pleasures.
- Title Drop, almost: At the furniture store, Dr. House urges Dr. Wilson to "live the dream."
- Whip Pan: Just before Dr. House makes a pharmacy request.
