A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn go to a Space Hooters. The hosts are worried that the Jedi (known across the galaxies as infamous druggies, dance-fighters, and hooligans) will cause trouble, but Rupert the Authentic Redneck Robot accidentally pisses them off. As a result, the corporate owner Mr. Palpatine sends Regional Manager Darth Maul to deal with the problem. However, Maul is preoccupied with fantasies of beating the Jedi in a dance fight.
Jar Jar Jar gives the Jedi a ride to Naboo, where they pick up Padme and her friends. They're pursued by space cops when they flee a DUI checkpoint, but Far2-D2 repairs their ship's hyperdrive and helps them escape. After finding out there isn't a bar on Tatooine, they visit Qui-Gon's friend Watto, who sends young Anakin Skywalker along with them. Anakin also activates Creepio, a protocol droid who's in immense pain due to having no "skin." He becomes convinced that his life's purpose is to spread the same pain he feels to others.
After visiting the Jedi Council, Qui-Gon explains to Anakin that the Council's "midichlorians" are their name for heroin. The protagonists return to Naboo, where Maul challenges Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan to a dance fight. Both Qui-Gon and Maul die, Anakin joins the Jedi, and everyone throws a rager.
Tracklist
- It's Goin' Down - Yung Joc
- Space Hooters - Craven Moorhaus
- Pavan - Biship and Craven Moorhaus
- Burning Inside - Ministry
- Ghetto Musick - Outkast
- Dance of the Fates (Jedi Party Edit) - Auralnauts
- Augie’s Great Municipal Band - John Williams
Ten years later, Anakin and Obi-Wan are both Jedi. They race to get to a liquor store before it closes, but are too late, so they go to Jumbo's Clown Room instead. Obi-Wan tells Anakin that his game as a wingman is weak. The next morning, Padme is upset that Anakin went out without her and gives him the could shoulder. Obi-Wan tries to find the Jedi a new midichlorian supplier with the help of Dex, eventually leading him to Kamino. The midichlorians they sell him are so powerful, they make him believe he's psychic and can feel a force binding all living things.
On Naboo, Padme asks Anakin if she thinks Obi-Wan would go out with her. Obi-Wan meets the Kaminoans' lead chemist, Jango Fett; the two compete to see whose spaceship has better bass, and Fett soundly wins. Padme and Anakin go to Tatooine, finding the area completely abandoned save for an unusually upbeat Creepio. Anakin lashes out at Padme for putting him in the friendzone, and he drives his speeder away while a (fictional) Robert Tepper music video caleld "In the Zone" plays.
Creepio then shows Far2 what he'd been working on since Anakin abandoned him: a monstrous facility called the Singularity Engine, which turns the unwilling inhabitants of Tatooine into cyborgs. Far2 activates the self-destruct sequence and destroys the Engine, much to Creepio's annoyance.
Tracklist
- Crickets Sing for Anamaria - Walter Wanderley
- Ah-Ah - Moby
- B-O-O-T-a-Y - Benny Blanco & Spank Rock
- Mission Bell - Donnie Brooks
- Planet Rock - Afrika Bambaataa & The Soul Sonic Force
- Sensual Seduction - Snoop Dogg
- Da' Dip - Freak Nasty
- Make Those Move - I Am Legion [Noisia + Foreign Beggars]
- In the Zone - Auralnauts
Three years later, Anakin and Obi-Wan crash their spaceships into what they believe is a club spaceship, but it is actually a hospital called Saint Jabba's Home for the Survivors of the Singularity Engine. They mistake Mr. Palpatine's office for the VIP lounge, and even Anakin is beginning to get annoyed at Obi-Wan's drug- and alcohol-fueled antics. Palpatine asks Anakin if he's truly happy being with the Jedi. Mr. Grievous has security bring the Jedi to him, and he loses his temper when he realizes Anakin is the one who made Creepio. Far2 causes the hospital ship to crash. Bail Organa bails the Jedi out of jail. Creepio refuses to believe that there's such thing as a "singularity engine survivor," and that he's fascinated with runes now.
Reunited with Anakin (who is unnervingly touchy with her), Padme tells him that she's pregnant with Obi-Wan's child, and wants Anakin to break the news to him. Meanwhile, the Jedi Council are running low on midichlorians and need a new supplier. Anakin meets with Mr. Palpatine at a bubble comedy show, who tells him that his entertainment company could use someone young on their staff to stay in touch with the youth.
Anakin convinces Obi-Wan to go to rehab, so he flies to Utapau, where Mr. Grievous has recently joined the staff. Although skeptical at first, Grievous agrees to help Obi-Wan get clean. Anakin tells Padme that it's her responsibility to tell Obi-Wan about the baby, and that he's focusing on his life right now. Creepio thinks that Padme will give the baby to him if Obi-Wan won't want it, and obsesses over the idea of him and Far2 being parents.
Anakin goes to Lava World to brood, where he's followed by Padme and Obi-Wan. He's enraged that she still only sees him as a friend, while Obi-Wan says that it's Anakin's own fault she friend-zoned him. The two engage in a long dance fight, which ends when Anakin botches a quadruple flip, loses all his limbs, and catches on fire. Mr. Palpatine arrives to give Anakin medical assistance, and also hires him as Regional Manager Darth Vader. Padme dies in childbirth, so Obi-Wan takes their baby son Duke and sells him to Anakin's brother Owen. Palpatine begins construction on Laser Moon, a moon-sized laser tag facility. Bail Organa takes custody of Far2 and Creepio, having the latter's memory wiped.
An epilogue slideshow describes how the Jedi are all vagrant, and Mr. Palpatine's businesses are finally profiting without their interference.
Tracklist
- Mama Said Knock You Out - LL COOL J
- English Courante for Lute - Andrei Krylov
- I Like to Move It (Erick “More” Club Mix) - Reel 2 Reel, The Mad Stuntman
- Shake the Disease - Depeche Mode
- Baby Time - Auralnauts
- Dance Fight 66 - Auralnauts
- Laser Moon (Epic Extended) - Auralnauts
Nineteen years after Darth Vader became Regional Manager, he busts an unauthorized party ship in an Imperion Entertainment Designated Family Fun Zone near Tatooine, causing Far2 and Creepio to flee to the planet surface. Vader finds his daughter Leia on the ship and sends her to Laser Moon after grounding her.
On Tatooine, Creepio and Far2 are caught by Jawas, while Imperion employees delivering Owen a fruit basket at Vader's request find evidence of midichlorian use; this sparks worries with Laser Moon's management that the Jedi are back to wreak havoc once again. Creepio (now calling himself Friend Besto) and Far2 are bought by Owen's adopted son Duke Dirtfarmer, who finds a partial hologram recorded by Leia. Far2 runs away, and is found by Duke the next morning. He takes a nap, where he's found by old Obi-Wan Ben Larry Kenobi.
Back at Ben's place, Far2 plays Leia's full video, which is for her Space Date profile. Her video mentions Alderaan, inadvertently restoring Creepio's old memories. They go to a cantina, where Ben starts a dance fight, and Han Solo and Chewbacca agree to give them a lift to Laser Moon if they get to join their laser tag team. They arrive at Laser Moon, and while the rest go off to suit up and join the game, Creepio convinces Far2 to hijack Laser Moon.
Duke, Han, and Chewie focus on attacking enemies while Ben pulls a lever in the enemy base, earning their team 10,000 points. Along the way, Duke finds Leia and convinces her to join their team. Creepio, having steered Laser Moon toward Alderaan, coerces Far2 into redirecting all power into a laser light show. The resulting laser blast is powerful enough to destroy Alderaan. Vader is horrified at the news and blames the Jedi for it when he learns Ben is on the ship. He challenges Ben to a dance fight, but they're both old, out-of-shape, and dance poorly. Vader kills Ben, but his body vanishes immediately upon death.
The rest of the group go to Yavin, where they meet a group of locals angry at Imperion Entertainment's business practices, and devise a plan to blow up Laser Moon by dropping a bag of moldy peaches down a ventilation shaft. They expect no trouble, but Laser Moon has apparently become sentient and shoots back at them. Han and Chewie arrive in the Millennium Falcon, blasting Darth Vader's ship into space, and giving Duke the opportunity to drop the bag of peaches. Laser Moon explodes, and an epilogue scene shows Vader frantically hoping Leia got off of Laser Moon.
Tracklist
- Blackbird - Fat Freddy’s Drop
- Space Pub (Craven Re-Edit) - Auralnauts
- Dune Sea Special - John Williams
- Laser Commander - Auralnauts
- Firestarter - The Prodigy
- The Day is My Enemy - The Prodigy
- Laser Moon - Auralnauts
- Maths - Deadmau 5
- Laser Moon Awakens - Auralnauts
Three years after the destruction of Laser Moon, Regional Manager Darth Vader is watching Blade Runner on his TV when he gets a video call from Mr. Palpatine, who inexplicably demands they talk on a hologram instead of staying on video. Imperion Entertainment is organizing a Life Day Parade to get some goodwill after blowing up Alderaan, but Palpatine assumes that it's just a politically correct name for Christmas (despite Vader assuring him they're two separate holidays) and demands it be rebranded as the Christmas Parade. Duke is excited to go to the parade with his friends, but Han, Leia, and Chewie plan on drinking at Cloud World instead. Han flirts with and kisses Leia, which Creepio mistakes for a face-eating contest.
The Christmas Parade begins, but Laser Moon's AI takes over the walkers in the parade and starts firing on passersby, becoming another PR disaster for Imperion. Han, Chewie, Leia, and Creepio are being followed by space cops, so Han resolves to smoke his entire stash rather than be caught with it. Duke gets a call from an old, senile Yoda, and begrudgingly visits him. There, Yoda regales Duke with stories of how he and the Jedi went to a rave hosted by DJ Dooku. Obi-Wan's ghost shows up and tries to convince Duke to try midichlorians, but he refuses and leaves.
Vader decides to relapse and meets with Boba Fett, who's in the family business of designer drug chemistry, on Cloud World. Han, Chewie, Leia, and Creepio arrive shortly after, where they're greeted and offered beers by Lando. Creepio blacks out and dreams of himself as the protagonist of an 80s action film, and wakes up the next morning broken and being reassembled by Chewie.
Lando, Han, and Leia go to Cloud World's breakfast buffet, where they run into Vader. He's shocked to learn that Leia survived Laser Moon, but is outraged she never contacted him for three years. Convinced that Han's a bad influence on Leia, Vader has him frozen in carbonite and shipped across the galaxy. Creepio is convinced that the packing machine is an evolution chamber he had built while blackout drunk, and proclaims that Han will transform into a superhuman named Han Singular when thawed.
Duke arrives on Cloud World and runs into Vader, and the two catch up with one another. They decide to try Vader's midichlorian stash, but Duke has a bad trip and nearly falls off a ledge. Vader tells Duke that Obi-Wan is his real father, and pledges to be the father figure Duke never had. However, Duke loses his balance and falls down a pit, and Vader promises to come rescue him. The video ends with a music video called "Midichlorify" depicting Duke and Vader's drug trip.
Tracklist
- The Leather Suit - Powersolo
- Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley
- Here Comes Santa Claus - Gene Autry
- Boom Babba Do Ba Dabba - Powersolo
- Jurassic Sex Party - Powersolo
- Jedi Party - Auralnauts
- Lapti Nek - Max Rebo Band
- I Won’t - Craven Moorhaus
- Midichlorify - Auralnauts (Feat. JC Powers)
One year later, Regional Manager Darth Vader travels to Laser Moon 2, which is somehow rebuilding itself at exponential speeds. Meanwhile, Creepio and Far2 go to a Space Chuck-E-Cheese's on Sand World, where the package containing Han Singular's body was sent. Jabba, a spoiled brat who's celebrating his birthday there, believes it's a giant chocolate bar and wants to eat it, but Creepio talks him out of it.
Vader meets with Mr. Palpatine, who has no concern with Laser Moon rebuilding itself, and orders him to find a celebrity performance for the grand reopening ceremony. Back on Sand World, Duke arrives at Jabba's birthday party as the main entertainment. He's made a career as Dirk Lasermaster, the Last Laser Master, and does choreographed light and dance shows with Leia as one of his assistants. Creepio is disappointed to find that Han Singular is, in fact, not an evolved superhuman.
Duke learns from Leia that there's a festival on Tree World, the Gathering of the [[Juggalo|Rebelos]], to protest the opening of Laser Moon 2. Duke agrees to go, but first has to meet Yoda. He bribes Yoda with a pizza coupon into becoming a ghost, so he can summon Obi-Wan's ghost. Duke confronts Obi-Wan about being his birth father and abandoning him, but Obi-Wan isn't apologetic about it. Duke meets Leia, Han, Chewie, Creepio, and Far2 on Tree World, and goes dirt bike racing with Leia. Creepio and Far2 later get lost in a game of hide and seek.
The space cops, led by Chief Ackbar, plan to set up a dragnet (not a trap) to catch drug smugglers headed to Tree world. They spot the Millennium Falcon, which Lando took for a beer run, and try to catch him. However, Mr. Palpatine has mind-melded with Laser Moon's AI, and orders it to fire on passing police cruisers, giving Lando the opportunity to escape. Vader tells Palpatine that he's booking Dirk Lasermaster for the reopening party, and is put off by his boss's increasingly erratic behavior.
Back on Tree World, the gang are found by Creepio, who has befriended the native tree people. He explains that he has realized the error of his murderous ways, and aspires to achieve universal consciousness by smoking obscene amounts of DMT with everyone. He also reveals that Laser Moon's AI went rogue because of a virus that infected Far2 when he shut down the Singularity Engine decades prior. At the resulting DMT-fueled rave, Duke sees the ghosts of Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Qui-Gon. Han is disappointed to learn that Leia's moved on after he got frozen and is now dating Duke, but agrees to still be friends with her.
Vader gets Duke to agree to perform at the reopening party, and brings him to Laser Moon 2. Mr. Palpatine believed that Duke actually had magical powers, and mocks him as a charlatan. Vader and Duke do a demo performance of his show, but the overexertion gives Vader a heart attack. Palpatine announces he is the embodiment of Creepio's singularity and electrocutes Duke with lightning, but Vader throws him down a shaft to the reactor core. Duke and Vader flee Laser Moon 2 as it explodes, but Vader dies before he can finish warning Duke about the danger Creepio poses to the galaxy.
Tracklist
- The Blue Danube Waltz - Johann Strauss II
- Gamin' Time - Helen Henny & Chuck E. Cheese:
- Birthday Attack - Auralnauts
- The Show will Begin Shortly - Auralnauts
- The Last Laser Master - Auralnauts
- Wanna Go? - Auralnauts
- Tree World (We Go Hard) - Auralnauts
- Dip - Danny Brown
- Que Dolor - Fanfare Ciocarlia
- Ronde No. 3 - Tielman Susato
- Revalation - Auralnauts
- Mantra - Noisia
- The Han Zone - Auralnauts
- Ronde No. 1 - Tielman Susato
- The Last Laser Master (Palpatine Instrumental) - Auralnauts
Thirty years after the destruction of Laser Moon 2, at Space Burning Man, Poe Dameron's grandpa gives him a backstage pass for Kylo Ren's show. After performing his hit single "Banana Time," Kylo has Poe sign a waiver and takes him on his private ship. Meanwhile, Kylo Ren superfan Rey rushes to get in line when she hears that tickets for his next show on Laser World just went on sale. The next morning, Poe learns that he got blackout drunk at Kylo's afterparty and tried to hit on a couple of female guests, culminating in him shitting himself in front of them. Much to his utterly dismay and humiliation, his entire stunt was recorded by the other guests and the resulting video went viral.
Rey arrives at the ticket vendor's, only to learn that they're all sold out. She meets Beat-Beat 808 and Finn, who she beats up after mistakenly believing he bought the last Kylo Ren tickets. He promises to help her get tickets if he'll be her boyfriend afterwards, taking her to the Millennium Falcon. Kylo's manager tells him that "Banana Time's" sales have slightly fallen and he needs to debut his next single at the Laser World show. Han Solo and Chewbacca find Rey and Finn, and begrudgingly agree to get them backstage passes to Kylo's show. Kylo destroys a computer when Space In-N-Out is closed and the only restaurant left open is Jim's Coleslaw Shack.
Rey gets high on Han's stash and hallucinates Kylo singing a song about eating fruit cups with her in his VIP lounge. Kylo tries to write a new song using the software built into his helmet, but all it comes up with is "Key Lime Time." Creepio reunites with Far2, who tells him that he solved the riddle of the Rune Forge, but Creepio is unimpressed with Far2's announcement.
The announcement for Kylo's concert goes live, while Han, Poe, and a bunch of other partiers plan to tailgate before the concert to save money on beer. However, Poe goes rogue and drops a sack of moldy peaches on the stage in revenge for his humiliation, forcing the show to be cancelled. Kylo is secretly relieved, since it buys him more time to compose a new song. Han brings Rey and Finn backstage, where he reveals to them that Kylo is really his estranged son Ben. He convinces Ben to rap without his helmet helping him, which is so awful that Han dies of embarrassment.
Rey's idolization of Kylo Ren is broken after seeing how terrible he is, so she finds an old Dirk Lasermaster laser baton she had and travels to an empty Dirk Lasermaster's The Last Laser Master Laser World. She finds a solitary Dirk Lasermaster there and presents her baton to him.
Tracklist
- Banana Time - Auralnauts
- In the VIP (DJ Dooku Throwback Mix) - Auralnauts
- Nightwalker (Eric Ma Remix) - Evin King
- S Sa Podewa - DEM
- Jesus Built My Hotrod - Ministry
- Mona Lisa - Carl Mann
- Frootcupz in the VIP - Auralnauts
- Getting Ready to Go - Auralnauts
- Lights Out Phasmatic - Auralnauts
- Fanfare for a Laser Master - Auralnauts
