Ronald Koeman: We have tried everything to make Messi feel more comfortable. We've removed stress elements from his sleep environment [cut to Koeman crossing off the 8 and 2 on Messi's alarm clock], every night I check under his bed for monsters [Cut to a terrified Messi pointing under his bed, Koeman lifting the sheets and finding books on tax law and opening a Swiss bank account, to his surprise], and anybody who snores, we just kick them out. [Cut to Koeman grabbing Ivan Rakitic, Arturo Vidal, and Luis Suarez, and throwing them out the door]. We even made plans for elaborate bed renovations to Camp Nou by 2024.
[an attorney comes into the frame and whispers something into Koeman's ear]
Koeman: Uh, 2025.
[The attorney comes back into the frame and whispers into Koeman's ear again]
Koeman: ...Someday.
