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Funny / Written in the Stars

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  • The very first line of the story could be seen as one:
    There are times when realization slowly sinks in. Other times it walks up to you and punches you in the face.
  • Spock Prime provides his sarcasm creds:
    Jane: So, you're telling me that you- (gestures to SP) and the other me- (gestures to herself) got married? As in, married married?
    Spock Prime: I was not aware there was another form of marriage.
  • The many times Spock doesn't understand a figure of speech, or a joke.
    Jane: Alright. Early night for me.
    Spock: Captain, we are in Space. There is no night.
    Jane: Figure of speech, Spock; it's what Humans say when they're tired. But if you're still puzzled, I'm sure Lt. Uhura will give you a riveting English lesson about it.
    • After leaving a planet of Tribbles:
    Jane: Remind me never to visit that planet again.
    Spock: Why would I do that when it is obvious you would remember to remind yourself from the unpleasant experience?
    Jane: It was a figure of speech, Spock.
    • In the same chapter, after Spock tells Jane that he and Bones decided to keep a dead Tribble to study:
    Jane: You two actually decided on something? Together?
    Spock: I do not understand why you are always surprised by this?
    Jane: Because you two are like cats and dogs; you don't get along at all most of the time. My counterpart said you guys were worse in her timeline.
    Spock: I do not understand.
    Jane: Well, when the universes split, some things stay the same, although things in one may be toned down-
    Spock: I understand that, Captain. I do not understand why you said that cats and dogs hate each other. During my time on Earth I have seen plenty who appeared to get along considerably well.
    Spock: It will most likely be several thousand years before they achieve the technological breakthroughs necessary to result in First Contact. Our stay will be short and uneventful.
    Jane: Spock, there's still a lot you need to learn from Earth language and probability. Otherwise you'd know not to say that last line. Ever.
    Spock: Captain, the likelihood of a few simple words changing the outcome of a chain of events in such a way is very low.
    Chekov: Keptin! I'm picking up something strange from ze planet!
    Jane: (to Spock) You were saying? (to Chekov) What is it, Chekov?
    Chekov: Some sort of high-frequency energy field originating from ze surface.
    Uhura: Captain! Whatever it is, it's interfering with the comms! We can't broadcast or receive.
    Jane: See, Spock? This is what a few simple words can do to a situation. For instance, if I say "things couldn’t get any worse"...
    Scotty: (over the comms) Cap'n, it's Scotty! I wouldn't recommend using the transporters anytime soon!
    Jane: Like I said, you don't use words like that. Ever.
    • After being called away by Spock Prime:
    Jane: I need to explain that we'll apparently be taking a honeymoon, after all.
    Spock: Captain, I doubt this trip to the undiscovered planet will be relaxing or romantic-
    Jane: It was a joke, Spock.
  • Jane tries to picture kissing Spock, but concludes that "she'd have an easier time imagining what it would be like to kiss a Tellarite".
  • Jane renamed the meeting room the DSS Room. It stands for "Discussing Strange Shit".
  • During the Galileo incident, Jane gets increasingly frustrated with Commissioner Ferris, enough so that Sulu offers to bring out his sword and poke him in the ass. Then:
    Jane: (waits until the Commissioner leaves the bridge) Uhura, do you have a minute?
    Uhura: Yes, why?
    Jane: I'd like you to send a transmission to Admiral Pike. Tell him that I apologize in advance for yelling a string of colourful language at Commissioner Ferris.
  • Pretty much any time Jane and Jane Prime get into snark battles.
    Jane Prime: Technically Latimer died in my timeline, too.
    Jane: Well, excuse me, Miss Know-It-All.
    Jane Prime: That's Mrs. Know-It-All to you. Recall I'm a married woman.
    Jane: How could I forget? Your husband's a true Mr. Know-It-All.
    Jane Prime: It's fun having my sense of humour thrown back at me. If a little annoying.
    • This:
    Jane: Why is he so difficult?
    Jane Prime: Because he's half-Vulcan. They seem to embrace being difficult.
    • Jane Prime shows Jane a memory...and the first thing Jane sees is Jane Prime and Spock Prime in bed. She immediately assumes that Jane Prime is showing her and Spock Prime having sex, which freaks Jane out.
    Jane: You think showing me this will convince me?!
    Jane Prime: No, no, not that. (suddenly curious) Will it?
    • After Spock teaches Jane how to contact her older self without having to go to sleep.
    Jane: Yep, she's there. And she's already nagging away. Thanks for your help, Spock, but I'm beginning to regret this decision. Having a voice in your heard is the first sign of madness.
    Jane Prime: Hey! I heard that!
    • Then, after Spock is impressed by Jane standing up to the Admirals:
    Jane: If that turned Spock on, then I'll say it now; I hate you.
    Jane Prime: But I didn't do anything!
    Jane: I still hate you.
    Jane Prime: I'm almost glad this never happened to me in my timeline. I'd be very embarrassed right about now.
    Jane: Your comments aren't helping me get away from the angry natives any faster!
    • When Jane realizes that Spock tricked Khan:
    Jane: Son of a bitch.
    Jane Prime: Hey, that's my mother-in-law you're talking about!
    • During the year-long gap between Star Trek Into Darkness and leaving on the five-year mission, Jane gets a temporary job teaching at the Academy and wonders what she could talk about. Jane Prime offers suggestions.
    Jane Prime: You can tell them not to break the Prime Directive.
    Jane: Very funny.
  • When Jane is reunited with her brother, Sam, he witnesses her and Spock arguing:
    Sam: So is that your boyfriend?
    A glare silenced him.
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  • Jane and the crew get captured by Romulans, and in their court hearing Jane calls out the Romulans for being assholes in an epic "The Reason You Suck" Speech, during which she swears multiple times. Right at the beginning of the next chapter:
    Bones: Serve out our term? Why doesn't he just say "spend the rest of you miserable lives in perpetual suffering"?
    Jane: I didn't expect they'd imprison us here for life, Bones.
    Bones: Well, you should have thought about that before calling them fascist bastards and assholes – and dropping the "F" bomb a couple hundred times.
    Lemli: And I don't think flipping the bird at them helped either, Captain.
    Jane: I doubt they even knew what that meant!
  • Jane manages to solve the problem with help from Jane Prime (who no one knows about at this point), and Spock is suspicious. Her reaction when he questions her about it?
    Jane: Oh, shoot! I forgot I was supposed to meet Bones in medical for my fitness exam! Gotta go! (runs off)
    Spock: Captain! Since you never liked going to medical for examinations, you are obviously running to avoid answering me. How very human of you.
    Jane: (in her head) Bastard.
  • "Ever since she showed up, she's been trying to Christmas Carol me to death, and it's getting annoying."
  • Jane Prime's reaction to a Tribble? "Tribbles are trouble; if Scotty still has it, ejected it out the ship's airlocks immediately."
  • When the crew beams up a Klingon weapon, they find a Tribble inside. Lt. Kyle promptly feeds it, and it multiplies, leading to them abandoning Engineering entirely. Later, when Scotty needs to go back inside, they open the door and are met with an entire tidal wave of Tribbles. Kyle hesitantly admits that he left his lunch in there when he ran.
  • After Spock runs off on his own on a mission and nearly gets killed in the process, Jane threatens to "tie a leash around his neck and secure the other end to the science station".
  • Spock calls Jane in the middle of the night:
    Jane: Spock, I'm trying to sleep. I know you Vulcans don't need as much sleep-
    Spock: Captain, Admiral Pike wishes to see us.
    Jane: Now?
    Spock: In the morning.
    Jane: (looks at the time and sees it's 2:00 in the morning) Spock, why didn't you wait to tell me that at a decent hour?
  • After Bones bombards Jane with metaphors:
    Jane: Where does Bones get all these metaphors, anyway?
    Jane Prime: It always puzzled me. I thought maybe he had some kind of handbook which he referred to every morning.
  • "Dammit! This is a hospital room, not a honeymoon suite!"
  • Jane Prime informs Jane that chocolate is the equivalent of alcohol for Vulcans, and she bursts out laughing with Spock in the room.
    Spock: Judging by your sudden outburst, I conclude that your counterpart knew of the effects and informed you.
    Jane: Oh, I'm so gonna get you to eat this stuff later. And then I'm gonna take pictures and put a collection in each of the crew's "welcome back" gift bags.
    Spock: I am assuming that you are only teasing me.
    Jane: Yeah, I am. Maybe.
    Spock: (briefly horrified before realizing she's still teasing him)
  • After they get together, Jane and Spock discover that the entire crew were holding a betting pool over when they'd hook up. Uhura won.

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