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  • Guido and Dora meet when she falls out of a hay loft and into his arms. Guido asks if she always leaves the house that way.
    • Dora complains of a bee sting and without hesitation Guido grabs her knee and starts sucking and spitting out the poison in between snatches about how dangerous bee stings are. When she stands up he asks if she was stung anywhere else.
  • Uncle Elisio's self-introduction as he shows Guido and Ferruccio the house:
    Elisio: Here you are. It's an old storehouse full of odds and ends. An old passion— an odd and end in itself! You can stay as long as you want. It's not easy to be a waiter. That's the bed. Legend has it Garibaldi slept there. Nothing is more necessary than the unnecessary. Barbarians. The town hall is on Via Sestani, to the right after the colonnade. The bathroom, equipped with the invention of Mr. Bidet. There are a few books here, among which The Life of Petrarch. The kitchen is in there. This is a velocipede, commonly called a bike. I have to get back to the hotel. There's only one key. Don't lose it. It's so good to see you. I'm coming, Robin Hood! (departs)
    Ferruccio: What an uncle!
  • Guido passing himself off as a government school inspector. He questions each of the teachers lined up about their service and how informed they are about changes to the curriculum, but when he gets to Dora he asks if she's busy on Sunday.
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    • When asked to tell the children about the 'superiority' of the Aryan race, he instead jumps on the table and gets the children to start wiggling their 'perfect' ears. Cut back a moment later and he's half-dressed and flashing his belly button.
  • At the theatre Guido is sitting in the stalls but rather than watching The Tales of Hoffman on the stage he's staring up at Dora in the box. When the lady next to him turns to look at Guido, he explains that he can only hear out of his right ear.
  • Guido is being trained to be a waiter by his uncle Elisio. After faultlessly explaining how to serve chicken, his uncle asks him to explain lobster. Guido struggles:
    Guido: You stick the leg under the wing and- lobster is a crustacean. Lobster is a crustacean! Off goes the crust. Of the crustacean. And the...the antennae. Who wants to eat the antennae? Off goes the crust, off goes the lobster. The lobster is gone! We don't have any lobster left but we have some chicken. (beat, resigned) I don't remember how to serve lobster.
    Elisio: You serve lobster as it is. There's no need to touch it!
    Guido: That's too easy! That's why I didn't remember it.
  • Guido is astounded Ferruccio can sleep so easily. Ferruccio attributes it to Schopenhauer and that all he did was tell himself to sleep and he did. Guido tries the same on himself, repeating 'sleep, sleep, sleep' while waggling his fingers in front of his face.
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    • Ferruccio drops off again so Guido goes 'wake up, wake up, wake up'. Ferruccio does wake up and Guido is astounded - until Ferruccio points out that he woke up because Guido was babbling into his ear.
  • A representative from the government comes to the restaurant for dinner late in the evening.
    Guido: The kitchen is closed.
    Maitre'd: Shame, you would've gotten a big tip.
    Guido: The kitchen is open.
    • But since the kitchen is closed, Guido gets the government man to order the same dinner Doctor Lessing just rejected.
    Worker: Something light.
    Guido: Well, we've got meat, a nice heavy steak, lamb, kidneys, some greasy breaded liver. Otherwise, there's fish.
    Worker: Fish, the fish.
    Guido: We have a nice fatty turbot, eel stuffed with fatty sausage and greased with Grand Marnier, or some lean salmon.
    Worker: The salmon, please.
    Guido: Side dish?
    Worker: You have side dishes?
    Guido: Certainly. We have very very fried mushrooms, buttered potatoes in Nancy butter with a flaky sauce.
    Worker: Is there a small, light salad? Otherwise, nothing.
    Guido: Just a salad. What a pity. The very very fried mushrooms are out of this world. So, a light salad, a lean salmon and a glass of white wine.
    Worker: Perfect. As soon as possible.
    Guido: I'll do my best. (Guido turns around, picks up Doctor Lessing's tray and places it in front of the worker. The worker stares and checks his watch in disbelief).
  • Guido tries to explain away a shop's 'No Dogs or Jews' sign to Giosué:
    Guido: Oh, that. "Not Allowed" signs are the latest trend! The other day, I was in a shop with my Chinese friend and his pet kangaroo, but their sign said, "No Chinese or Kangaroos Allowed," and I said to my friend, "Well, what can I do? They don't allow kangaroos."
    • So they decide to make their own sign for their bookshop banning something each of them dislike. Giosué chooses spiders. Guido chooses Visigoths.
  • In the camp, Guido returns to the sleeping quarters from a day carrying anvils. When Giosué jumps into his arms Guido nearly falls over.
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