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Funny / Clerks

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  • Dante and Veronica's argument about blowjobs.
    Dante: 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!
    Customer: In a row?!
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  • "People say crazy shit during sex. One time, I called this girl 'Mom'."
  • Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter:
    Woman: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
    Randal: Yeah, what're you looking for?
    Woman: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
    Randal: Uh, once second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure they got it.
    Woman: 'Kay.
    Randal: What's it called again?
    Woman: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
    Little girl: Happy Scrappy!
    Woman: She loves it.
    Randal: Obviously. (into the phone) Uh, yeah, hi. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-Fucking Volume 8, I Need Your Cock, Ass-Worshiping Rim-Jobbers, My Cunt Needs Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns III, Cumming in Socks, Cum on Eileen, Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls Who Crave Cunt, Men Alone II: The KY Connection, Pink Pussy Lips, oh, yeah, and, uh, All Holes Filled with Hard Cock. Yup. Oh, wait a minute. (to the woman) Uh, what was that called again?
    • The story behind this scene is actually a CMOF in it of itself: reportedly, Jeff Anderson was uncomfortable saying some of these titles (this was before it was decided to shoot himself and the woman's reactions separately) and asked Kevin Smith to trim some of them down. Smith responded by adding three more.
  • Caitlin fucking the dead guy. She thought it was Dante. "What kind of convenience store are you running here?!!"
  • Just before Randal initiates the "jizz mopper" conversation, Dante comments "Did you ever notice all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie."
    • Extra funny if you look behind them and realize that none of those prices end in nine.
  • "I Eat Cock!"
    • Which gets a Brick Joke later on when Dante comes back after getting ready for his date with Caitlin, and sees Randal holding the sign with the above quote.
      Dante: (confused) Who eats cock?
      Randal: Bunch of savages in this town.