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Funny / Being Dead Ain't Easy

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  • Almost all of Joey's narration is hilarious.
  • The line after Joey takes a bullet for Seto Kaiba.
    Great. I've saved Kaiba's life and I didn't even mean to. He'd better appreciate it.
  • Joey dies in Kaiba's arms and still makes jokes about the situation.
    He's soakin' wet and I am, too, but he's... warm. I must be goin' into shock or something. The only way Kaiba'd be warm would be if he was radioactive.
  • Joey is barred from the afterlife apparently due to tripping over his shoelaces.
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  • Joey figures that since dead people always have superpowers, maybe he can fly back up to where he fell. He can, but it's very, very slow to the point that walking's faster, and he gets stuck at around airplane level. When he tries to land, he goes down so fast that he gets stuck in the sidewalk.
  • When Kaiba makes fun of him at his grave, Joey decides to haunt him.
    I punch the ground in a not-really-punchin'-the-ground-'cause-I'm-a-ghost kinda way.
    Not. Satisfying. At. All. I wish it was his face! Prick.
    Stinkin' Kaiba.
    I'm so gonna haunt your ass.
  • Joey finds the perfect reason to go on after dying.
    I've discovered my mission in unlife:
    Haunt Seto Kaiba.
    That's right, I'm gonna do the vengeful ghost thing and wreck his life! Do ya hear me, Moneybags!? I'm gonna stalk ya day an' night an' never let ya sleep or work an' bug you 'til you crack!
    ...Even though he can't hear me or see me or anything. I'll figure it out later.
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  • Joey describing his methods of travel, how he can either walk through something or bounce off it, "depending on his mood." Be very careful when using the Joey Wheeler Undead Hitchhiker technique, because bouncing from car to car on a busy highway is not fun, especially if you're not already dead.
  • When heading to Kaiba's mansion, Joey sees a bunch of armed security guards and heavily-fortified gates and gloats that he can just walk right through things.
  • Joey explores Kaiba's mansion and promptly gets lost. When he does find Kaiba, he's taking a shower. While waiting, he writes "JOEY WUZ HERE" on the mirror, complete with a happy face.
    • When Kaiba emerges and sees the message, this happens.
    He blinks.
    I blink.
    We both scream like girls.
  • After spending two and a half hours moving Kaiba's chair across the room and spinning it to where he can sit down, Joey realizes that not only could he have sat on the bed and not wasted so much energy, he'll have to move the chair back before Kaiba wakes up in three hours.
  • To put it simply, Seto Kaiba is not a morning person.
    When the alarm goes off at 5:30AM, I hafta duck 'cause instead of turnin' it off, the freak groans, grabs the clock, and chucks it across the room. The poor clock smashes against the wall and dies.
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  • Yugi offers to play Duel Monsters with Kaiba in an effort to cheer him up. Joey's description of his face is both funny and sweet.
    He gazes up at him with great big violet eyes that belong on someone half his age. I hate it when Yugi does that. You can't argue with the guy when he looks so... ugh... adorable. Make him stop, Kaiba!
    Kaiba turns back to his laptop. He's not lookin', so he's immune to the 'Big Wide Kiddie Eyes o' Doom'.
  • When Yugi's attempt to get Kaiba to play doesn't work, Yami Yugi goads him into dueling by mocking his skills. Joey briefly worries for both Yugis' safety before deciding that there's no way they can lose.
    Yugi switches tactics. The little guy's puzzle flashes and now he looks a lot taller. And meaner. "I see. I understand if your skills have gotten a bit... rusty. Perhaps next time, once your dueling is actually up to par," taunts the other Yugi.
    I hope ya know what you're doin', Yugi. Either of you. Insulting Kaiba's abilities at Duel Monsters is asking to get your ass kicked. But then, this is Yugi we're talkin' about. There's no ledges Kaiba can threaten to jump off of handy, cheatin' bastard. Yugi's not gonna lose.
  • Yami Yugi destroys Kaiba's Blue-Eyes White Dragon using Kuribohs, Multiply, and a Catapult Turtle. Joey admits he has no idea how that worked.
  • Joey accidentally helps Kaiba cheat during the duel, which Yami Yugi is quick to point out.
    Mind Crusher Yugi slams his cards on the table and stands up. "Seto Kaiba, I REFUSE to play Duel Monsters while Joey is hovering over the table helping you cheat!"
  • Joey follows Kaiba to work and is impressed at the view from his office, which lets him see the whole city.
    I wonder if Kaiba ever stands in front of the window and looks outside? I bet he does, and I bet he goes 'This is all mine!' before laughing like one o' those cheesy bad guys ya see on TV.
  • Joey's attempt to contact Yami Yugi hits a snag when he doesn't seem to be able to hear him. This happens.
    No reaction. I guess I hafta go all out. "YAMI YUGI, I'M GONNA RIP THAT PUZZLE OFF AND BEAT YA OVER THE HEAD WITH IT!" I scream at the top of my lungs right in his face. Yeah, I'm a little stressed out. Sue me.
    A big wave of shadow power shoves me across the room and I smash clean through the wall. Yup, that was a reaction, alright.
    After a while, Yami Yugi comes outta the room in all his leather glory and crosses his arms. "I'm sorry, Joey. You startled me." He doesn't sound very sorry.
  • When Joey admits that he broke Seto Kaiba, Yami Yugi is pleased at the news and asks if he shoved him down the stairs.
    • This is even a brick joke later.
    Kaiba: Joey, why is Yugi laughing at me?
  • Yami Yugi tells Joey that he'll try and convince Yugi of his existence... and help him with his homework.
  • When Joey returns to Kaiba's mansion, he finds him reading the paper upside down and pretending it's completely normal.
  • Since Yugi never told Kaiba about his Millennium Puzzle, Joey has to explain who Yami Yugi is to him. Kaiba admits that he thought Yugi had some sort of personality disorder.
  • Seto takes a phone call and becomes so enraged at the news he completely destroys the phone with one hand.
  • Joey visits Ryou Bakura and tries to wake him up, with no success. As soon as he turns around to leave, Yami Bakura jumps him and they end up getting into a fight.
  • As he tries to get Yami Bakura to help him, Joey realizes that he's still in his school uniform and will probably be stuck in it forever.
  • Joey's first attempt to get Yami Bakura to help him is to ask and say please. His second attempt is even funnier, as he declares that if Yami Yugi couldn't help him there's no way Yami Bakura can.
    "I mean, no offence, bud," I say quickly, "but if even he can't remember how to save me, there's NO WAY you can." I widen my eyes, put a little awe in my voice. "I mean, this is Yami Yugi we're talkin' 'bout, here! You called him a pharaoh, right?" Yami Bakura gives a jerky nod. "If he can't do it, no one can. He's the Pharaoh!"
    He narrows his eyes. "I didn't say I couldn't help, only that I choose not to." He's clenching his fists. He hates Yami Yugi.
    Just a little more... I start walkin' away, head down, hands still in pockets. Kicked puppy look. Learned it from Yugi. Whatever works. "Nah, it's okay, ya don't hafta fake it. Your memory's worse than his, I totally get that." Here goes nothing. "Nobody's better than the Pharaoh... right?"
    Yami Bakura looks like he's boilin' over.
  • When Yami Bakura does offer to help him, Joey reflects on how easy it was.
    I can't shake the nasty feeling that this is way too easy. He's gonna help me, just like that. Yami 'Evil' Bakura's gonna help me.
  • Yami Bakura offers to seal Joey's soul into the sofa, not caring that he'd want to leave the object too.
  • Yami Bakura taunts Joey over his attempt to trick him, imitating Ryou as he does so.
    "And your rather obvious attempts to trick me into helping you were quite amusing. I applaud your efforts." He gives me three slow claps. "As my host would say, 'Jolly good show'."
  • Joey's description of Kaiba's coffee.
    He takes a sip of some black gunk in the cup on his desk. It's either coffee or motor oil. He makes a face and almost spits it out, but ends up swallowing it anyway. I'm guessing motor oil.
  • As Joey, Kaiba, and Mokuba research ways to save Joey, Kaiba scolds him over teaching swear words to his little brother, despite the fact that Mokuba can't hear what Joey is saying.
    Mokuba looks like he's trying to figure out what I was saying. "Uh...whatever Joey said!"
  • Joey visits Kaiba at KaibaCorp despite his weakening state, and Kaiba tries to call a limo to drive him home.
    Yeah, I can picture it now. "This is Kaiba. Drive this person you can't see back to my mansion. And make sure he lies down in the backseat so he can rest. The stupid dog keeps trying to get up. No, I'm not crazy, why do you ask? By the way, you're fired."
  • Joey has to spell out to Kaiba that Mokuba is worried about him, leading to this exchange.
    He puts his face in his hands. We're both quiet for a while. "...He's really worried about me, isn't he."
    "No, he wants ya to hurry up and die so he can give your company to Yugi and call it Mutou Corp. God, Kaiba, you're the stupidest genius I ever met."
  • When being attacked by a crazed ex-Kaiba Corp employee, Joey watches as Kaiba saves his briefcase first and wonders why he even carries it around. His question is answered when Kaiba uses it to block bullets.
  • Kaiba needs Yugi and his friends to go to his house so they can save Joey, so he calls Yugi on the phone... and insults him.
    "Hello, Yugi, this is Kaiba," he says to the guy on the phone. "You are a pathetic excuse for a duelist. The reason you believe so strongly in the 'heart of the cards', otherwise known as 'luck', is because you have no idea what cards you actually have. It's obvious your grandfather put his heart into your deck. It's as feeble as he is. Or were you the one who built it in the first place? I find it hard to believe that an old man could come up with a deck that bad."
    I can hear Yugi yelling his head off, but I'm too far away to hear the words. No, wait, it's gotta be Yami.
    • Yugi isn't entirely convinced that Kaiba wants to help. This happens.
    Kaiba puts a hand over the mouthpiece. "Wheeler, Mutou wants proof that I'm helping you and not simply luring your friends here so I can kill them. What do you think I should say?"
  • Upon learning that his imminent cessation of existence is Kaiba's fault, Joey forces him to apologize for wrecking his life and death. When he tries to get him to apologize for beating him up, Seto says that if he had beaten him up he'd be in the hospital or dead.
  • Joey hears Kaiba and his friends getting into a fight, goes to see what's happening, and decides Yami Bakura is "the guy who's standing there not doing anything."
  • While looking for Kaiba in their Soul Room, Joey find a bunch of ugly shirts. After learning what a Soul Room is, he hopes it doesn't mean he has the personality of an ugly shirt.
  • When Joey and Kaiba return to the real world from their shared Soul Room, they find they can hear each other's thoughts. It doesn't go well at first.
    Joey: I'm hearing voices in my head and it sounds like Kaiba. I must've snapped while I wasn't looking.
    Kaiba: Why am I hearing that chihuahua in my head...?
    Joey: Okay, I've gotta be nice and understanding here. He's totally beat up and maybe Tristan whacked him in that oversized head of his a few times.
    Kaiba: I heard that.
  • After the epic battle with Yami Bakura, Seto's soul goes missing. When Joey goes to rescue him in the Soul Room, he finds Kaiba's been kidnapped by hundreds of Funny Bunnies, one of which resembles Pegasus.
  • Joey is not happy that Seto isn't grateful he came to save him in the Soul Room.
    You'd think the guy'd be, I don't know, thankful that I'm here to rescue him, but nooo, not Seto Kaiba.
  • What does Joey do when confronted by the Funny Bunnies? Run out of the dungeon screaming.
  • Yami Bakura knocks Yami Yugi out by hitting him over the head with a lunch tray while he was busy glaring at Kaiba. Even Joey finds it funny.
    Yami's fine, by the way. Yami Bakura really did just bash him on the head, no magic, no nothing. Yami growls whenever I try to ask him how some guy could've snuck up on him. He's not telling. He just says that, one day, Yami Bakura's gonna pay dearly.
  • The last chapter of the story has Yami Bakura's takeover of KaibaCorp hitting a snag due to reporters constantly asking Ryou questions, and rumors of shady things going on behind the scenes. This happens.
    The Millennium Ring flashes and Yami Bakura glares straight into the video camera, at the millions watching this on TV. All the reporters start backing away.
    "I hate you, Seto Kaiba. I won't forget this," he hisses. "Keep your precious company, watch the damned thing rot, and pray that we never meet again, for I will teach you the meaning of the word 'PAIN'!"
    The Ring flashes again and Ryou's back in control. He blinks. "Why are you all looking at me like that?"
  • The Author's Notes at the beginning of each chapter always say "No [insert object usually relating to chapter] were harmed in the making of this fic." During the last one, it adds, "However, millions of microscopic bacteria were crushed to death mercilessly."


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