- Written By: ThomasPOV: Third personDeaths: Vampire (1), Leo(1), Barack Obama (1)
Thomas tells Jesus that he's resuming writing The Evil Gods Part 2, because Ebony's working on The Prayer Ponies. Thomas apparently is not just Pals with Jesus, but he has also befriended Saint Peter, who gives a lesson about how baptism is necessary to show one's love for God and go to Heaven. Jesus then calls the story the only good one on the site, which he says is "fall of boastful sinful and disgusting shit"; not only is He talking up the author's story, but He is using uncharacteristic amounts of profanity. Jesus then decides to let Thomas get on with his story.
Jason and Thalia (whose name is inexplicably Thelma in this chapter, which is odd; with the exception of John Lennon, the author is at least somewhat decent with names), wake up to television with a reporter from Fox News who announces that vampires have taken over the country, but is pleased that Obama is dead, since John McCain can become president.
Obviously, it doesn't work that way
; if Obama died, Biden would become president.
Thelma is horrified and decides to deal with the vampires, and Jason agrees. They wake up Leo, who has a degree in "Turbo Studies," (whatever that is), so they can get their "demon killing excitement" ready, at which point they head to the White House.
Leo, actually using one of his canon skills for once, makes a BFS to help cut through the vampires, and Thalia and Jason use "corpses" to keep the vampires at bay while they head for the leaders.
They reach the Oval Office, and find Obama's body surrounded by vampires. They stab the vampires with stakes. Jason rebukes them for thinking that they're good, while the Prayer Warriors confessed their sins (again, an actually good acknowledgment of the Prayer Warriors' imperfections, even if they're not sorry about what they should be sorry about). Leo charges the main vampire, but is turned into one as well, and Thalia, after cursing this development, is forced to kill him.
The Vampire lets out an Evil Laugh, that is rendered as "Evil Laugh!" and threatens to turn Jason into a vampire, force the rest of the country to worship Satan and have sex with Thalia. Jason says he will not allow him to do so, before slashing his throat, staking him and beheading him.
McCain becomes president, and because Obama, who somehow survived, apparently rigged the election, he is sent to prison, and it's said that because he's Kenyan, he's not allowed to be president, which seems to be every right-wing electoral conspiracy theory rolled into one. Couldn't the author have the vampires, or failing that, the Prayer Warriors, kill Obama and the entire administration?
McCain gives Jason and Thalia medals; while they might be rewarded for killing the vampires, the real McCain would probably be uncomfortable at best over giving medals to religious terrorists. Jason and Thalia bury Leo, hoping that he will be rewarded in Heaven and vowing to make the Roman gods pay. Thalia gets a phone call from Ebony in Texas, announcing that she found a Roman god
Thomas and Jesus have another exchange, with him hoping that the chapter is better than the previous four (It certainly seems more sloppily written than the previous one by Ebony). Jesus and Saint Peter say yes, so Thomas thanks them and expresses a desire that we read The Prayer Ponies
- Next Installment: The Prayer Warriors meet up with Ebony and destroy an abortion clinic.
