All right. Time to get my Chapter 2 on. I'm interested to see where this goes. I don't think I've read another story yet where the ponies get in trouble for being naked. :D
He used his magic to remove his cap and run a handkerchief along his brow, and briskly pull a comb through his sleek dull green hair; it always paid to keep up a neat and tidy appearance when handling case loads - it made him and his department look and feel more imposing, making it easier to elicit cooperation.
I see that right off the bat Ganon is continuing his run-on sentence tradition.
Wow, New Pandemonium City, going for the dystopian theme much? There's no way that you're going to have ponies abusing the system when the judges, attorneys, and police are all the same people. I want to know what Police Chief Smokestack thinks it makes it faster and easier than. Makes it seem like this dystopia is a recent development and he's seen other stuff in his life.
Mane six in prison jumpsuits? That makes for a surprisingly nice mental image. Anyone know if there's fan-art of that?
The other officers all left the room so that the only eight ponies left were the six jumpsuit-clad mares, Chief Smokestack, and his apparent second-in-command that remained at firm attention just below his stand.
Oy! This section is written from Smokestack's point of view! He would know whether or not the other pony is his second-in-command!
Applejack eyed him curiously - he looked somewhat... familiar.
Dammit!
No! Headjumping! allowed!
Hey Twilight, you were the one who miraculously figured out that being naked is taboo. At this point, it's unbelievable that you don't know what your charges are.
-snigger- Makes sense that Rainbow Dash has experience dealing with cops.
"Ponyville?" Smokestack chuckled, "What an utterly ridiculous name for a town - let me guess, ponies live there?"
I like the cut of this Smokestack's jib.
Yeah Flathoof, what's your deal? They're obviously lying. There's no way you can't see there's more here than anypony's letting on.
And it's official. Flathoof is a moron. And what's worse, a moron who thinks he's clever. And even worse apparently a moron who the author thinks is clever. That's a convenient way of not going to prison though.
"Ugh... and I simply must get myself out of this awful jumpsuit," Rarity made a face, "And into something a little more... me."
No Rarity. A prison jumpsuit actually suits you quite well. Of course, you'd look good in anything. :D... Except for that ensemble you wore when you visited Cloudsdale. That one was just tacky.
Ladies. You don't need to prompt Pinkie Pie to suggest a party.
Ganon FLCL! STOP HEADJUMPING!
Twilight Sparkle's a nuuuuuudist! Twilight Sparkle's a nuuuuuudist!
Okay. So Flathoof realizes they're not from Utopia at least. I still think he's a moron.
"What? Oh!" Applejack blushed, "S-sorry. Kinda got... distracted. By somethin'. Um... howdy!"
Distracted by the Sexy Applejack? He's from an alternate universe so it's not incest.
“Right,” Flathoof shook his head, muttering to himself, "Sometimes I wonder why I get myself into these things... why I don’t just look the other way like everypony else..."
Because you're a moron living in a dystopian society and just begging to get yourself shot.
"Not necessary, the NPPD has all the same forms and equipment,"
Oh jeeze. The word
equipment is setting off all sorts of alarm bells in my head.
Flathoof has an admirer. Sorry lady, but Applejack's a mane character and has first dibs. If she doesn't ravish him, he's going to get himself shot before you can anyways.
Oh come on Flathoof, six of the most beautiful mares you've ever seen, who just happen to be nudists, suddenly find themselves placed in your care and you expect us to believe you're unhappy with the situation?
"Y’all make it sound like we're imposin' on ya. If y’all don't like it, why don't you just find somepony else to take over, and let us do our own thing?"
That's right Applejack. Call him out on his bullshit.
Flathoof hesitated for only a moment, "Your little troupe here looked like a bunch of fish out of water. I don't know where exactly in Equestria you're from, but it sure ain't from around here, and I ain't about to send a bunch of know-nothing mares out there to try and brave this city - you obviously already tried that once, and look where that nearly got you. If this were Utopia I wouldn’t be that concerned, but this isn’t Utopia, and I can’t blame you for not wanting to travel all that way. Now if you don't like my attitude, that's your own problem, 'cuz I’m not changing it. Nnnnope. Not. At. All."
Bullshit! No Paladins allowed in a place named New Pandemonium City! You're just in it for the nudists! Next thing you know, they'll all be staying at his place for some stupid made-up reason
Should I just fill out everything on here ‘purple’, dear? I’m just noticing a pattern is all.
You got something against the purple pony little lady? She can't help the way she was born.
"...well... okay, if you say so, O Magic One," Snapshot rolled her eyes as she jotted it down.
Kiss me Snapshot.
Snapshot. That is not the way to go about getting Flathoof to like you. You got to turn on the charm. It's one thing to be a bitch to the prisoners, but to your crush? You ain't ever getting laid.
"Aha... eh... nnnnope, d-don't put my name there," Flathoof stammered quickly as he fumbled his hat, "The Chief would kill me if he found out I took his commissions. Put his name on there."
At least he has the good sense to keep his name off the paperwork. Now, is he doing it for the right reasons? If I take his words at face value, no. Not at all.
Applejack found a smile flicker across her lips, impressed at such a robust...answer.
>:D
Twilight Sparkle, forever immortalized as a stoned prisoner on her drivers licence.
Poor Sweetie Belle. Now she's an orphan just like Scootaloo.
Rainbow Dash sighed, "There she goes again. Even when we're stuck in a jam like this, the first thing on her mind is her next party. Typical Pinkie Pie..."
HEY! You don't get to call her out on suggesting a party after calling her out on not suggesting a party.
"Aww, don't complain now, Dashie! You love my parties!" Pinkie giggled, "More than anypony, I bet!...
I take this as evidence of Pinkiedash.
A disgruntled mint green unicorn grumbled and muttered...
LYRA! Okay. Now that's out of the way, I should probably go back and read the rest of that sentence.
Her apartment complex wasn't particularly well-kept, but it was cheap - really cheap - which was good since her job didn't have much in the way of monetary compensation - her superiors ensured she'd have a place to live and plenty of food to eat, but she had next-to-no spending money for free time whatsoever - not that she ever had much of that anyway.
What. The. Hell. Is. This.
Okay. Two long, meandering paragraphs about Lyra-clone later and we still don't have a name or occupation. Focus Ganon! The name I can see, but you have no reason to hide what it is she does while talking about how she had a bad day at work. Also, you need to synchronize what your viewpoint character knows with what your narrator knows. This isn't A Series Of Unfortunate Events here, where the narrator is as much a character as anyone in the story.
So...Lyra is a Time Lord?
Thoughts after reading that section. You could have given Tick Tock's name at the very beginning. Something more than just the main six getting transported to another world is going on here. Doctor Whooves really shouldn't keep saying things like "hopefully this is just a minor glitch."
I'm beginning to see why you guys like the worldbuilding. It really is quite fascinating.
The air was colored a murky orange, mostly, but tinges of black and brown and red and purple melted in throughout; it was hard to see this effect from inside the city proper - the glow of the city lights and the thick smoggy air coated the city in a shroud that could easily block out the light of the sun and moon, were they even to make an appearance in the burning skies above that seemed to block those energies out entirely.
Dafuq am I reading?
Waitwaitwait. If New Pandemonium City and Utopia are separated by a magical wall of incomprehensible power, how on earth is there any traffic between the two?
Hey mysteriously ominous disembodied consciousness, Light doesn't always have to react. They can take the initiative.
Lord Silvertongue. That's not an ominous name at all.
Wow Silvertongue, you sure are arbitrarily evil there. So far, I'm not liking how Ganon FLCL handles the OC's much more than what he does with the mane six. They just seem so lacking in believability. Actually, scratch that. I like how he handles the mane six better.
His penis - slightly longer than most unicorns - glowed a grim red as he lifted the record from its place and returned it to its sleeve, where it would be put back into storage until he wished for it again. Turning back to the window, his penis glowed again and flicked a number of switches alongside it; the window darkened and turned black, then became a perfectly reflective surface, bouncing the image of the room back at him.
This quote has not been altered in any way whatsoever.
He carefully gauged himself in the reflection - his pristine silver coat was as radiant and pure as ever; not a single bright golden hair in his impeccably-styled mane was out of place; his monocle was spotless enough that it enhanced the luster of his sea-blue eye; his fanciest dress uniform was immaculate and covered him from neck to flank - the shiny black leather polished and gleaming in the single light of the room, the blood red trim glistening like freshly-picked apples or cherries, or more appropriately, freshly-spilt blood.
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There is no way I can take Silvertongue seriously. He has the "I'm for totes a reall villain. Be scared of me!" vibe going on.
Shadowstep on the other hand. Pinkie Pie's alternate? Even though he's a pegasus? He could be awesome or lame. I don't know which way he's going to go yet.
Crushing ones hopes and dreams, if only temporary ones, was so satisfying, "There, on the desk - that portfolio holds your initial targets."
Seriously. Even the absolute narmiest of Disney villains was orders of magnitude better than this. It's like watching a newbie D&D player trying to play chaotic evil.
Actually, that's exactly what's going on here. Ganon FLCL doesn't understand chaotic evil. Or lawful good if Flatfoot is any indication.
And the chapter ends with Silvertongue sending Shadowstep to tail the mane six and keep an eye out for Time Lords.
This chapter was pretty good, up until Silvertongue showed up. I'm calling it now, he'd going to betray Nihila some time down the road even though right now he's perfectly and completely loyal to her. That's just the sort of character he is. Stupidly evil for no reason at all.
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