Welcome back.
Previously, the only things of importance are that Sakura gave birth to a girl, Mandy Waterfall, who...oh, God...Ronan fucks with. Also, Naruto, Sasuke, and Kakashi are dead.
OR ARE THEY?
Oh, and Mandy's working with Orochimaru. WHAT A TWEEST!
So let's jump back with...
Chapter 7: The...What? Fuck it, The Cougar
Guess what we start with. Another Author's Note! This time, Jake yells at Narusupergal for bashing his fic. And stating that she doesn't like Naruto. And calling her a "hypocritical bitch-ass whore" and "slut". Stay classy, Jake.
Also, we get a recap of his family's outing, which has nothing to do with the "plot", so I won't recap it.
Anyway, this, at least for the first two non-Author's Notes paragraphs, focuses on "da cooger", Fiona. Kind of-sort of. That being said, she isn't kidnapped by Orochimaru, but rather Madara. And we get one tidbit: she's hurting because of the sex (well, considering that the guy had a fucking huge male member, no shit!), but hey, she liked it, anyway.
Of course, Orochimaru's a bad motherfucker (no pun intended, I swear to God), and he intends to kill the girls. Fiona cries for help, but then Ronan arrives to save the day!
Madara reveals that he disguised himself as Orochimaru, but who gives a shit about that? Ronan blasts the shit out of the bad guy and rescues Fiona, Sakura, and Mandy.
By the way? Even though we don't know it until much later because of the confusing POV-shift (hence the "kinda-sorta" mention), we do get that name for the cougar—I mean "da cooger". Bleh. Hence why I called her "Fiona". Because not only is the name pretty, but calling her "da cooger" hurts me. I mean...if I wrote it over and over, it's going to haunt me.
Of course, what's a little rescue without a little post-rescue sex? In your face, Lightspeed Rescue!
...that was pathetic. I am so sorry.
Next day, and the POV shifts to Ronan. He's hungry, so the girls make him, among other things, hot dogs, burgers, and popcorn. At least, we can hope it's popcorn, if the spelling is of any indication. And he states on how well they cook...but then...
Oh, God.
When the girls slept...
(reads)
Oh, God, Ronan, don't do what I think you're...
(reads a bit more...and cries)
We get into Sex Scene #6! Seriously, why do they not call the fucking authorities? This guy is virtually raping them!
I feel dirty reading this...
Oh, and it turns out that Mandy and Sakura are in the latter's room. Okay, this is just...words are failing me right now.
And when Ronan enters, what does he see? Sex Scene #7. The two women—a mother and daughter, mind you!—screw each other. Truly, the scenes of incest make me want to weep for humanity.
Also? Ronan loves it. Briefly. Then he asks them if they're lesbians Lisbons. What. Regardless, they answer "yes", but they state that they love him because he makes them feel good with the giant fucking...duck.
(laughs hysterically) Oh, my God, that's hilarious. If they totally felt better taking rides on a giant, wooden duck, that would be awesome.
Hey, guys, let's...no, no. I'm probably making things worse.
And as an addition, when they're with Ronan...they're straight. Unfortunate Implications ahoy! And we go into Sex Scene #8.
The next day, the girls made eggs for Ronan, and after he eats, they head to a dojo. And yes, the girls kiss each other all day. Um...
In any event, Madara appears and takes Fiona with him. And beats the shit out of Ronan. KILL HIM! KILL HIM!! But alas, he doesn't do that, for Ronan screams out for...Mandark. WRONG FUCKING CANON, BITCH.
Once he arrives at Orochimaru's lair, he finds that Madara has beheaded Fiona! And how does our hero react to the bad news?
- "N[[[[[[[[[[[[ i screamed[.]"
Oh hai, Missingno., it's been a while!
Also, not only are we told that Fiona is dead (again), but...well, take a wild guess what Madara does to the headless corpse. Good God, it feels like A Serbian Film, only made even worse!
And the chapter ends with Ronan not knowing what to do.
The ending Author's Note has Jake saying stupid shit.
- "so thats the end of chapter 7 its really dark and cary now isnt it? hope my fansss are lovin it! and FUCK U NARUSUPERGAL AND SOMEBODY SAID IM A TROL I AM NOT FUCK OU JUST BECAUS I DON HAV THE BES SPELLIN OR GRAMMER DOSNT MEAM I AM A TROLL BESDIS THIS IS BASED ON A TRUE SORY OK FUCK OFF u fake naruto fans whatecer.!."
...not only does it remind me of Chris Brown's "antics", but...this fic is supposedly based on a true story. Think about it. I mean...supposedly, having a huge male member, screwing every girl he can find, having ultimate powers, and lots more...including raping the girls while they're sleeping...is based on a true story.
Actually, wait, don't think about it. This cements my belief that Jake is a wannabe serial killer. Harsh to come to that conclusion? Yes. But...God.
Chapter 8: Death. Death of What? Death of Auto-Tune?
Our beginning Author's Note has Jake screaming profanities at the reviewers. And thanking the fans. This is ongoing, by the way.
We begin with Ronan not knowing what to do, because Fiona is dead. After we get some cliched statements about how Madara will not get away with this (yawn), along with calling said bad guy a derogatory slur for gay people (fucking seriously?) they fight.
Ronan burns Madara with the light, and then Madara states that he will not win. Our "hero" wants vengeance for Fiona...because now he can't fuck her.
(headdesks)
Ronan. Stop thinking about sex. For fuck's sake, stop thinking of women as sex objects! What are you—no, no, all ages are more mature than this fuckwad!
Oh, and Fiona's head flies off. And it speaks. She tells him that she'll be in his heart when he screws and has a date with Rosie Palms. Her "final" (because I don't even know if she'll really be alive after this) words? To fight for her. And so Ronan does.
But that's the only thing I can concede.
So the battle goes on and on and on—in fact, it takes days for it to be finished!—until Madara is defeated. Okay, not really, but he does back off. And even with Fiona dead, how does the group mourn her demise?
Sex Scene #9, of course! And this one is disgusting. I will note this: during it? Their stomachs explode. Somehow, they survive. I'll leave it to your imagination as to how they can survive their stomachs exploding.
And I'd like to note one other thing. Pretty much almost every time someone dies, they don't really...mourn. No, they screw like rabbits. Truly, Angst? What Angst? applies to them so much.
Later in the day, they have Sex Scene #10, I guess, when Madara shows up. He hypnotizes the girls and have them do Sex Scene #11. And his member's said to be tiny.
(facepalms)
But Ronan beheads Madara with a knife, what a surprise. The girls ask him if there's anything they can do, and what's the answer?
Sex Scene #12!
Now, this one is...interesting. Not just in the Squick factor, but also in the WTF factor as well. Because...during them...well, you don't want to know, because he's so full, their heads explode. I am not kidding. Ronan pretty much killed them by sex.
That was awful, I am so sorry. :(
Ronan is sad...but then we get something ridiculous. He uses a magical Shinobi spell (yes, a magical Shinobi spell) to make their heads grow back. Okay, what? How in the hell did he learn the spell? In fact, what were the words to that spell, anyway?
The chapter ends with two people, I guess, arriving. And who are they? Orochimaru and Taliana! Uh-oh.
...actually, wait, why am I concerned with this sex-crazed Stu?
And Jake shouts at the "flamers". Meh.
That's Part 4! What is Taliana doing here? Will Madara remain dead for good? And will Ronan learn to stop treating the girls as sex objects?
Now, Forward! To the next liveblogging of Naruto: Veangance Revelaitons!
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