With the introductions over, will this get any more interesting? Let's find out!
This chapter's titled "Speculations". If we're lucky, it means the elements of this crossover will actually cross over.
We open where we left off, with Stickybeard attacking the KND with a gun that, according to the Mythbusters, shouldn't actually work. This story was written in 2004, and I'm pretty sure that episode had aired by then. But as I've noted, I'm not sure if Brian actually watches non-children's TV.
"Sugar me gumdrops," cackled the evil pirate, as his crew backed up to give him room. "This'll be like shooting Swedish fish in a barrel!"
If he means lutefisk, that's Norweigan.
Numbah Four attacks him, but it doesn't work:
Stickybeard was closing in on him. "Prepare ta meet Davy Jones, ya scurvy sea dog!" he said.
Okay, I can't blame Brian for this one, since this was written before Pirates Of The Caribbean came out, but it is now impossible for us to not imagine Bill Nighy when we see that name.
Numbah Three intervenes, and Stickybeard has to fight her off. As he prepares to finish her:
'''"Now for you, me pretty!" he said, aiming at her.
"YEEOWCH!" he yelled. Numbah One had hit him in the seat of the pants with his soda bottle blaster.'''
Okay, that bit's just awkwardly written. Numbah One's attack should have gone before the reaction, which would have justified the new paragraph. The way it is now, the second line hangs out there alone, and the reader is confused until they reach the second part. Now I see why no beta is credited...
'''He turned to him and Numbahs Two and Five. "I'll turn ye all into Chunky Monkey!"
"That's ice cream, fool!" said Numbah Five.
"Well... it has candy in it," said Stickybeard.'''
"him and Numbahs Two and Five" is a bad way to put it. "The three" might be better, or "Numbahs One, Two and Five". Useless to know, but this is the second Ben and Jerry's reference so far.
Numbah One tells Numbah Five to use her secret weapon, and she runs off to retrieve it. Stickybeard mocks her cowardice and the fight rages on, in Brian Corvello's inimitable style:
'''The team fired their weapons, but it was getting futile. Numbah Three's rifle had since run out of teddy bears, and she switched to her own mustard gun. But it seemed that Stickybeard's cannon was just as good at blocking weapon fire as it was at dishing it out, and the blasts that managed to get through barely phased the hefty pirate.
Eventually, Stickybeard found an opening and fired a shot into them. The four operatives were thrown to the floor.'''
It takes practice to make a fight scene this bland.
As Stickybeard prepares to finish off Our Heroes, Numbah Five emerges in a power suit:
'''[Kids Next Door C.A.R.A.P.A.C.E. : Child Agent's Resilient Applesauce Powered Armored Cybernetic Exoskeleton]
Numbah Five was encased in a wood-and-metal set of robotic armor that nearly doubled her height. It had huge fists, large fuel tanks on the back, a clear dome covering her head, and numerous tubes, gadgets and gewgaws covering the thing. She was a little nervous wearing this contraption. Although Numbah Two had promised that it could withstand a forty-millimeter shell, none of the operatives had been brave enough wear it in a test against anything other than their portable weapons. But she wasn't letting Stickybeard know that.'''
How does applesauce fuel anything? Is it fermented and distilled, like ethanol? I know, kid's television, but that still reeks of "made for a convenient acronym". Then again, I think one of their weapons runs on maple syrup.
Additional: I don't care how this universe works, there's no way that something made largely of wood could withstand a forty-millimeter shell.
Stickybeard opens fire, but Numbah Five no-sells. As usual for a Corvello hero, she just withstands every attack thrown at her and lands a hit on the pirate. Finally, using grape flavor, he takes her down and fuses the circuits in her suit. Is she finished? This is Brian Corvello, so no:
'''He aimed...
But all that came out of the cannon was a loud "Click!"
Stickybeard looked at the cannon. Then fear came over his face, as he saw that the other four members of the team were approaching.
"Aw," said Numbah Five. "No more buwets?"'''
You know how I mentioned self-repetition is one of Brian's flaws? Yeah, get used to seeing that last line. And it doesn't get any less annoying.
Stickybeard retreats, at which point we get this gem:
'''Numbah One turned to Numbah Three.
"Did you tell Moshi to put that little package on Stickybeard's ship after his crew left it?" he said.
"Uh huh!" said Numbah Three. "Do you think those icky pirates are really dumb enough to open it?"
At that moment, a huge explosion appeared over the horizon. Bits of wood, ropes, and candy pieces fell from the sky.'''
Wow, that would have made an interesting scene... if we'd seen it. Once again, Brian succumbs to "Tell, don't show". I can understand if he was trying to get the intros over with and get to the main plot, but cheating the audience isn't the right way to do it.
Numbah Five asks for help getting out of her armor, and SCENE CHANGE! We're back in Townsville, where the Powerpuff Girls are engaged in a battle against the spawn of Stay-Puft. Brian tells us this in his typical fashion:
And it seemed that these little problems were no easier to take down than the big problem. The Girls tried punching them, burning them, and freezing them, but their malleable skin seemed able to resist any attack. Even worse, the little creatures were working well as a team. It seemed that just when Bubbles had one of them cornered, five more tackled her and pummeled her to the ground! The girls were covered with dirt, grime, and gunk that the clay things kept spewing at them – they were going to need about twenty baths after they handled this!
Working well as a team? It's almost like they all used to be one creature before... Also: I've eaten oatmeal less bland than this. And as promised, more exclamation points in narrative text.
The spawn of Stay-Puft keep on coming, and as Buttercup (figuratively) beats herself up for making things worse, their attacks keep on being useless. Eventually, the Powerpuff Girls get thrown into a grocery store, where the situation changes:
'''Bubbles picked up a gallon of milk and threw that. On impact, the bottle splashed open and doused the creature.
The results were dramatic. The creature screamed, and then started to melt! Within a moment, it was nothing but a pool of slimy residue.
The others gasped and ran from them.
"Uh..." said Bubbles.
"What just happened?" said Buttercup.
Blossom ran her finger through the remains of the creature.
"The milk," said Blossom. "Maybe it was the lactic acid inside it... or something. But I think we may have found their weakness!"'''
Yes, they're weak against milk. You know, Ernest Scared Stupid did the same thing, only it wasn't asking us to take it seriously. ...Also, how does a five-year-old girl know the term "lactic acid"? Even if Blossom is the smart one (and adopted daughter of a professor), it seems a bit above her grade level.
Blossom asks her sisters to provide a distraction and heads for the industrial district. The other two proceed to act as a distraction, much to their pain. Blossom's idea?:
'''Blossom made a beeline to a large factory in the industrial district. Having patrolled this city on a daily basis, the Girls knew every little detail of it (especially since they were ones who did most of the rebuilding – using super-speed and strength – whenever the place was destroyed by monsters or supervillains). And the factory she found suited her needs perfectly – Fresh Farms Dairy Processing.
Looking down, she found what she needed – a huge tanker-truck loaded with milk from the nearby town of Farmsville, obviously brought here to be pasteurized. It wasn't safe to drink yet, but she didn't intend anyone to drink it.
She went to a corner and picked up a large hose, and coiled it around her shoulder. Then she flew underneath the truck, and with a mighty heave, lifted it up into the air.'''
Theft!
As she's busy damaging the local economy, Bubbles and Buttercup are getting their asses kicked in a fight blurb. Bubbles goes down, making her sister angrier than usual:
'''"All right!" said the toughest member of the group. "You all want a piece of me? Come and get me!"
They all looked at her.
"Get her!" said one of them.
"What?" she said. "You guys can talk?"'''
I'm almost certain Brian stole that gag from somewhere else, because he's used it in more than one story.
Blossom arrives with the milk tanker and hose, and in a scene I'll spare you from enduring, they proceed to fly through the city, melting the spawn of Stay-Puft. There is one line:
They proceeded, with milk spraying. Monster after monster fell to the devastating dairy product.
How much practice does it take to type "devastating dairy product" with a straight face?
The remaining spawn of Stay-Puft swim for their lives, heading to Monster Island (where they will presumably be eaten by Godzilla). The Townsville residents hail the Powerpuff Girls as heroes, and they fly home.
SCENE CHANGE! The KND head back to their HQ, Numbah Five having gotten cut out of the armor by the factory owner's men (and still angry at being stuck in it). He also gave them free candy as a reward. Numbah One reminds Five not to let 86 know about it, but she doesn't care on the grounds that getting aid from an adult beats being stuck in useless power armor. They sit down in front of the TV:
'''"This is Stanley Whitfield with a breaking news bulletin," said the newscaster.
"Aw, why do they always have to interrupt right in middle of a show?" said Numbah Two. "Can't they ever interrupt a commercial?"'''
It would be more amusing if I hadn't actually seen them interrupt commercials. It's like the "Why don't they make the entire plane out of the black box material" joke - funny until you know the reason.
The special report is about the Powerpuff Girls defeating the spawn of Stay-Puft. It recaps what we'll already seen, but the KND are interested:
"Man, that is so kewl!" said Numbah Four.
As is poor literacy, apparently.
The news report wraps up, and Numbah One gives us "foreshadowing" (read: blatant hand-tipping as to the plot). SCENE CHANGE back to Townsville, where the PPG arrive back home:
'''They heard what sounded like cartoons coming from the living room below. The slowly floated in.
"PROFESSOR?" they all said.
"Oh, girls!" said Professor Utonium, who was sitting on the couch. "I was just watching, um, the news!"'''
The what floated in? Typos for the lose... I'll admit this bit made me smile, though.
The girls seat themselves on the couch, and a news report about the KND begins playing. It's all very shadowy and "Who are these mysterious children?"-ish, and makes us wonder how they've managed to keep hidden in this world of twenty-four-hour news reports. A good story doesn't undermine its own premise, Brian.
We get man-on-the-street interviews:
A woman in a dress came on the screen.
"Oh, we were in an awful situation," she said. "I was taking my kindergarten class on a field trip, when all of a sudden this crazy vampire or something appeared and attacked them, claiming they had to be 'disciplined' – I have never seen such a cruel use of corporal punishment! Fortunately, these children with strange weapons came along and fought him off... they even stayed to comfort the ones who got hurt. They were so sweet..."
Who uses the term "corporal punishment" these days? Hell, the vampire himself is called "Count Spankula".
'''A man came on the screen wearing a grocer's apron.
"I think I know a boy who's a member of the team," he said. "His name is Hoagie, but that's all I know. He always buys stuff in bulk – mostly condiments and the like. Strangest habit he has is buying enormous sacks of gumballs. How can he go through it so fast? Kids today... But he seems nice enough, always pays his bills..."'''
Another reason the KND wouldn't last five minutes in the real world: children buying ridiculous amounts of this stuff and having the money for it would draw some sort of investigation, and kids (even ones with CIA-level secrecy capability) couldn't cloak themselves from that much scrutiny.
'''A man in a suit came on.
"I think these Kids Next Door are working for some government agency, like the CIA," he said. "Maybe they want to recruit them while they're young, get allies early. The whole thing is suspicious if you ask me..."
Gloria appeared with a microphone outside of the Treehouse.
"Who are the Kids Next Door?" she said. "No one knows for certain. The answers might lie in this imposing structure, believed to be one of the headquarters of the organization. But as all folks in the neighborhood will tell you, don't try to visit the place uninvited... the security here is comparable to Fort Knox, perhaps a sign that the Kids Next Door have secrets that will remain secrets for a good time to come."'''
Another reason they wouldn't last five minutes: a treehouse with Fort Knox-esque security? The military would be swarming the place in ten seconds on suspicion of terrorism. Especially since this story was written post-9/11.
We close the scene with the Powerpuff Girls having the same thoughts Numbah One was earlier.
SCENE CHANGE to the heroes on both sides settling in for the night, while a mysterious figure works on a project atop a volcano... okay, not that mysterious:
'''"Tomorrow, my revenge against those tiny titans will be complete... they will think that they will emerge victorious as they always do, but that assumption will be far from being true, for with the ingenious trap I will have set, and it is one of the most ingenious traps that I have yet to devise, it will be I who will be victorious! And when I am the one who is victorious rather then them, my revenge will be complete! As it will be.
"But first, I'd best get some shut-eye."'''
If I gave you two guesses who this is, it'd be one guess too many. At least Brian got his dialogue right.
While not a particularly bad chapter, Brian's weaknesses as a writer combined with the weaknesses inherent in the premise are dragging things down rather badly. And we haven't even gotten to the main plot yet.
Comments
