I have to make a slight correction: Sakura is actually the girl's last name. Darn that Eastern name order! Her first name is Kaede. So far she hasn't really been called anything but Sakura, though, so I'll refer to her as such accordingly.
Okay, on to Episode Two of Kämpfer!
The Cold Opening features someone (I think it might be Seppuku Kuro Usagi) summarizing who people are. Since you can just scroll up the page to find that out, I'll skip it.
We resume the fight and, just as I expected...the person attacking them isn't actually Kaede Sakura (full nameage!). Ha! Genre Savvy for the win! Unlike the last episode, I'm writing this review as I watch, so be prepared for me to go 'what the hell?' a lot. The "Mystery" attacker dissappears before we see her and our two awesome-haired heroes run off, as the title screen shows us that the episode titles are in Gratuitous German. Makes me wonder if the Japanese have some sort of connection with Ger — waaaaaiiiit, I'm not going there.
Still Female!Natsuru picks up the injured Kaede (who is Sakura, remember? Can I start calling her 'Kaede' now?) and feels the marshmallowy softness of her boobs and butt, remarking "This is no time to get horny!". Maybe he meant "I am currently incapable of being truly horny, due to being female at this time", but somehow I don't think so. Anyway, Natsuru brings Kaede to the girls' side, puts her in a bed that's in a classroom (??), and walks off.
Flash forward to evening. Male!Natsuru gets home and finds a note from his childhood friend who says she'll be home soon and that she'll make curry. Pirka considers whether or not this is innuendo. It's hard to tell in this show. Natsuru goes into his room and converses with Hara Kiri Tiger, who shamelessly promotes his new rap CD re-summarizes all of the requirements of Kämpfer-hood: Kämpfers must be female + if you see one Kämpfer, more are sure to show up. H.K. Tiger gets a little cocky and more mascot abuse ensues.
When Natsuru goes to school the next day, he wonders who the "mysterious" enemy Kämpfer is. Seriously, Natsuru? This guy is completely Genre Blind. I think I'm starting to realize why I like the mascots so much (other than the obvious, I mean) - they're the Genre Savvy ones in this here show. Anyway, Natsuru and Akane are called to the office of Student Council President Not-Sakaki, who has a frigging THRONE ROOM. Apparently, Not-Sakaki knows the deepest secrets of the boys' side of the school, like how Natsuru's-Brock-Like-Friend (tm) has been taking pictures of hot girls in his spare time for the "Hottie Research Society". Natsuru denies being in the library as a really weird green background appears behind him and kana writing appears on his face out of nowhere. Wut. Not-Sakaki threatens to report this to the school (the library thing, not the green-background-and-kana thing), but this only leads to her discovering Akane was in the library as well. Not-Sakaki uses her magic BLAM powers to make Akane's glasses opaque and the background purple, then make kana writing appear on her face. Then she says some cryptic stuff and kicks her out of her Oval Office.
Outside the presidential throne room, Natsuru and Akane run into none other than Kaede's breasts. She enquires about her new lesbian crush, Female!Natsuru, proving once again that high school is awkward. Her shining eyes of doom force Natsuru to say that he'll introduce...er...himself to Kaede the next day after school. Of course, he has no idea how to gender swap at will. Those silly kids! He decides to invite Akane over to his house, which causes Akane great excitement. He also states that he'll be the only one home, which causes any perverts watching this great excitement. One joke about orgasms later, Akane is indeed in Natsuru's house. She reacts in awe because she's never been in a boy's house before. I react in awe because he's a teenage boy with a neatly kept room. Then there's an erection joke. You know, I'm gonna stop explaining all these jokes and just call em' as I see em' from now on. Natsuru asks Akane if girls ever fall in love with each other (Male!Natsuru, so he's inquiring about Kaede's crush on Female!Natsuru...this is confusing). Akane says there's no reason she should know, and Pirka laughs because she doesn't realize she's in Kämpfer. The mascots suggest Natsuru go for it and make Kaede dislike his female self. Akane thinks it's a good idea, because she obviously shares my views on Les Yay and wants a little less. Then there's a joke about stripping girls naked and whether or not they like it. As I said, just gonna call em' out, not gonna explain em' anymore.
Now on to the Eyecatch, which features the same 'clothes fading away' thing, only this time with Kämpfer!Akane and nowhere near as scary. Oh, and, for no apparent reason, she has a pair of handcuffs dangling from one finger.
We resume with Natsuru lamenting his plan to make Kaede Sakura hate him, even though it's only his female self. Akane's eyes glow as she tells him to 'do his best'. Akane isn't even being subtle anymore.
Akane transforms Kämpfer!Akane to allow Natsuru to change into Female!Natsuru and put plan into action. What's the first thing she does when she talks to Kaede? Tell her her real name. As in, "Natsuru Senou". As in, the same name you have while you're her male best friend. Smooth move, Nats. Fortunately, stupidity seems to be contagious, as Kaede says "Oh, you have the same name as my friend" and NEVER GIVES IT A SECOND THOUGHT. *FACEPALM* I mean, it's the exact same name!
Er...anyhow, Kaede shows Female!Natsuru up to the roof of the school and pretty much says "I am a lesbian and I love you let's do it right now". Of course, Natsuru doesn't know what to say. On one hand, saying you will go out with her would be completely retarded, since the whole point to you doing this meet-up was to make Kaede hate your female self, thus assuring you will be able to get her to love you as a boy. On the other hand, the producers told you that there still isn't enough Les Yay. Natsuru decides to be completely silent until a random train sound effect shows up, giving him the perfect opportunity to run behind something and ask his "gal pal" Akane what to do. Akane, who always has sound advice, just wants to shoot the crap out of Kaede. Natsuru decides his last resort is to do the dreaded...IDIOT DANCE. Wait, what? He walks outside and does a crazy dance which will apparently cause lesbians to hate you, but it turns out Kaede isn't there. Then who is the silhouette standing where she was? Surprise, it's Not-Sakaki!
But this surprise is nothing compared to the shock of the decade - Not-Sakaki is a Kämpfer! And she's a red one, which means she's their enemy! WHAT A TWIST! To tell you the truth, the biggest 'twist' here is how boring Not-Sakaki's Kämpfer form is. Other than gaining her weapon, the only thing that changes is that the back of her hair turns white. There's a lot of Gratuitous German ("Let's see which is faster, your Gewehr or my Schwert..." Seriously, she says this), and, just as I'm starting to facepalm myself into a stupor, another mascot appears!! YES! This one looks like some sort of Scotty dog, but it's apparently an Electrocuted Wildcat, because Not-Sakaki deserves no less than Not-Maya. Also, they make another Voice Actor Allusion. Groan. We find out Kaede gave out this doll, too. Kaede Sakura, if you're reading this, get known and PM me here for my mailing adress.
That's when Not-Sakaki decides to fire her sword-on-a-string at our heroes, beginning another admittedly awesome action sequence. They scuffle for a while until Akane has an idea - she'll stop the sword with her body while Natsuru goes overhead and shoots his magic "Zauber" fireball at the enemy. There's only one problem - "How Do I Shot Zauber?", Natsuru says. Of course, at the climax of her excitement, she is able to shoot something out of her body (hey, the show is doing it! Heh heh, 'doing it'...). Unfortunately for her, Not-Sakaki uses her sword to CUT HIS FIREBALL IN HALF. Kämpfer got its first Crowning Moment Of Awesome! Natsuru starts building up a stronger fireball and every single part of dialogue she says can be taken out of context as being about masturbating. To further bring the point home, this fireball culminates in everyone being showered by the school sprinkler system. Wow...subtle. Akane takes advantage of...er...the water...distraction...to put a finishing blow on Not-Sakaki, but Natsuru stops Akane from killing her because it's only episode two and we haven't gotten an eyecatch of her in a bikini yet. Natsuru makes a deal that they'll spare her as long as Sakura is unharmed, which Pirka seconds due to not having recieved a PM with the subject line "Entrail Animals" yet. Not-Sakaki agrees in Gratuitous English and they go their seperate ways...FOR NOW! DUHHH NUHH NUHH!
Next morning, Natsuru is male again. He decides to summarize the episode to himself for your viewing convenience. Who does he think he is, Nagisa? He's called into the Throne Room Of Doom (tm) by Not-Sakaki again, who tells him that, due to the rumor that there's a "strange new hottie" around, he'll be transferring to the girls' side to avoid suspicion. The episode ends.
So, I've seen one sixth of Kämpfer now. The Les Yay in Episode 2 seemed just a leetle on the gratuitous side, and, sadly, I've heard that this isn't even the beginning in terms of this stuff. I've got a long ride ahead of me. Stay tuned for more!
This is Pirka saying "Only YOU can prevent mascot abuse."
