History Timeline / Homestuck

[[folder: Human Universe]]

[[folder: Human Session]]
!'''[[color:skyblue:Human Session]]'''

* April 13, 2009: John's thirteenth birthday.

* The Sgrub session starts. Meteors begin falling down on Alternia. Upon hearing this the Condesce and her fleet attempt to return to their home planet, but they fail to reach it in time. The remaining lusii of the trolls are all killed (except Aradia's, which was already killed when her hive was destroyed). They are eventually prototyped into kernelsrpites (again, except for Aradia who uses the head of the Frog Temple as her kernelsprite.) The death of Gl'bgolyb's sets off the Vast Glub, killing every troll in the universe except the Condesce and Feferi. By the time this occurs, all the troll players are in the Medium except for Sollux and the aforementioned Feferi. Sollux is able to send Feferi into the Medium and then dies, entering the game as a corpse. With her army and her ship's Helmsman dead, the Condesce begins to make her way back to Alternia in the Battleship Condescension.
* ??? years after Sgrub: The Banished Quasiroyal, an exiled Black Queen, wanders the deserts of post-apocalyptic Alternia when she is accosted by Doc Scratch, who gives her the new identity of Snowman and the power to destroy the Troll universe upon her death. She proceeds to manipulate Vriska and Terezi into getting Jack Noir exiled in revenge for her own banishment.

* Midnight Crew Intermission: The Midnight Crew - Spades Slick, Clubs Deuce, Diamonds Droog, and Hearts Boxcars - infiltrate their mansion of their rival gang, the Felt. After several time-related shenanigans, Spades Slick ends up in a timeline where all the Midnight Crew and the felt are dead, except for himself, Snowman, Doc Scratch, and Lord English. Spades Slick loses an arm and becomes an Exile of the Troll Session. The remaining Exiles are Clubs Deuce, Diamonds Droog, and Hearts Boxcars, likely also due to time-related shenanigans.

* 612 years after Sgrub: With the Handmaid's covert assistance, Hussie bursts through the Fifth Wall to deal with Doc Scratch. The Handmaid escapes in the confusion, but is caught and forcibly recruited by Lord English, who sends her back in time as his immortal agent of discord and strife. Meanwhile, Battleship Condescension reaches Alternia. As her final mission after millenia of service, the adult Handmaid battles the Condesce, [[YouKillItYouBoughtIt who kills her and becomes Lord English's slave in her place.]]

* The Critical Moment: Bec Noir attacks the trolls' Genesis Frog.

* After nearly falling to their doom, Equius and his hive enter the Medium, in the Land of Caves and Silence.
* Aradia and the ruins of her hive enter the Medium, in the Land of Quartz and Melody.
* Nepeta and her hive enter the Medium, in the Land of Little Cubes and Tea.

** Grandpa Harley somehow finds his way into the future and enters the Medium, later leaving in an unknown manner.

* John enters

* Rose enters.

* Dave enters

* Jade enters

[[/folder]]

* April 13, 2009: John's thirteenth birthday. %% Still need to incorporate Jade's actions.

** Jade is named.

** Dave tries to secure Bro's Sburb beta to get Rose into the Medium, but finds nothing

*** Inside the Labratory, Rose secures a wireless hub, and flees with Vodka Mutini before the building is destroyed
** Bro gives the Beta to Dave after defeating him

** Bec tier 1 prototypes himself, and destroys Jade's incoming meteor, signalling an end to life on Earth.

** WV creates Can Town

** The Harlequin kernel splits, and affects the prototyping towers of Derse and Prospit.
** The Battlefield reaches it's first state.

* Rose, Mom, and their mansion enter the Medium, in the Land of Light and Rain.

* Dave, Bro, and their apartment enter the Medium, in the Land of Heat and Clockwork.
* ...
* Jade and her island enter the Medium, in the Land of Frost and Frogs.
* Waking up from a disturbing dream bubble, Jade sees her tower off in the distance. She returns to it, but not before engaging in a pointless Strife with a Uranium Imp prototyped with Bec's appearance and powers. Only Becsprite manages to end the Strife by nuking the imp. Jade tries to thank him, but gets nuclear static-speak from him. Becprite notices that PM is messaging her from the future, and destroys the terminal.

** WV causes his terminal to
** ...
** ...
** Red streaks of energy appear in the sky, the result of Bec Noir attacking the universe from the outside.
** ...
** AR finishes rigging the bases to explode. WQ waits in the Frog Temple to greet the Writ Keeper when the Lotus Time Capsule blooms. Another bud emerges from the Lotus Time Capsule. It blooms ten seconds later, releasing Jack Noir. Jack kills WK and WQ and teleports outside. AR blows up three of the bases but hesitates to blow up the last one, knowing that WV is still in it. Jack kills AR and teleports into the final base. Jack rips out the uranium in WV's body and uses it to power a room that teleports him to the Troll Session. PM enters the now-open base and pulls out the near-dead WV. She picks up his ring and puts it on, giving her the same powers Jack Noir has. She then follows Jack to the Troll Session with the firefly Serenity and WV's body.
* Bec Noir destroys the Human Universe. %% At this point it's unknown if it will regenerate via the Scratch or not.

* April 13, 2009: John's thirteenth birthday.

*** Dave is named.

** John enters the Medium by biting into a Cruxite Apple.

** Rose flees to Jasper's masoleum to restore power.
** Rose goes downstairs to the living room, captchalogues an umbrella, a magnetic W, and a velvet pillow, and attempts to Youth Roll out the front door to avoid Mom. Mom intercepts her, however, and Strife ensues.
** Mom passive-aggressively presents Rose with a beautiful pony before returning to her housework. Rose names the pony Maplehoof before going out the back door of the house. She uses the umbrella, recaptchalogues her items (sans W magnet) from the resultant Sylladex mishap, and heads for the mausoleum, where she plugs in her laptop and reconnects with John just in time to observe him getting pranked by Nannasprite. Dave pesters her, and they discuss such diverse topics as her safety in the face of the forest fire around her house, his attempts to obtain his brother's copy of the game, and his increasing unease with puppets in general and Cal in particular, who figures in his more unsettling dreams.
** Rose listens in on Nannasprite's cryptic explanation of the nature of Skaia, Sburb, and the Incipisphere. She attempts to get John's attention, but he is too busy freaking out over...[[InterfaceScrew something or other]]. She leaves a message for him in Pesterchum for when he returns to lucidity, deploys the Punch Designix, and updates her walkthrough in the meantime.
** When John finally gets back to her, Rose humors him by dropping his piano on the imps playing with his pogo ride and bringing it to him. Acting on Nannasprite's earlier instructions, she then starts to build. She also takes the opportunity to observe Nannasprite's prodigious baking abilities. [[NeverMessWithGranny And eye-beams.]]
** In between spurts of building and updating her walkthrough, Rose saves a zoned-out John's life several times over with dropped heavy objects, including a refrigerator and a safe. She attempts to see inside of Dad's room, but cannot, presumably because John himself has never seen it.
** Dave pesters Rose to complain about being buried in Smuppets. Rose is unsympathetic.
** Rose makes a shortcut to the Alchemiter upstairs and throws the bathtub through the wall of the study, killing an imp and giving John immediate access to said shortcut. When John asks why she didn't build through his Dad's room, she informs him that she can't see inside. She then moves the punched cards and some cruxite dowels to John's room.
** Rose moves the carved totems to the Alchemiter and Alchemizes ten Captchalogue cards, a hammer, a pogo ride, and a rocket pack with a violin, a cinder block, and a flower pot jammed inside of it, rendering it useless for anything but smashing imps.
** Rose observes John's creation of the Pogo Hammer and saves him from his test run of it with a well-placed bed. She also observes that the Alchemization system allows for the replication of any item, so long as the Captcha code on the back of its card is known. She ejects and Captchalogues her copy of the Sburb server CD, but discovers that it has no code for her to send to John. Just then, the generator fails, leaving her laptop useless.
** Rose Lalonde and her mother enter the Medium shortly before her meteor strikes.
** The lotus time capsule in the Frog Temple blossoms, releasing Dave's copy of Sburb into Jade's custody.
** Dave Strider barely makes into the Medium using his brother's copy, with only said brother's interference delaying the meteor strike long enough for them to enter.
** Jade's dreambot explodes. After awakening from an utterly terrifying dream of the Furthest Ring, she is trolled by Feferi, who explains the dream bubbles and Horrorterrors. Then, acting on Karkat's earlier instructions to contact him when her dreambot exploded, she pesters him. She is soon embroiled in an argument between his past and future selves.
** Jade Harley enters the Medium only with the assistance of her dog, the omnipotent First Guardian Becquerel, who prototypes himself into her Sprite, redirects her stray bullets into her entry artifact, and destroys her meteor to buy her time. The resultant explosion wipes out what remnants of human civilization the meteors missed.
** At some point, the humorless but courteous gentleman known only as fedoraFreak enters the Medium.
** All life on Earth is killed by meteors, leaving it a barren wasteland.
* At some point, the Exiles - Wayward Vagabond, Peregrine Mendicant, Aimless Renegade, and the Windswept Questant - arrive on Earth.
* 2422, 413 years later:

** ...

** The future Bro Strider and the future Mom Lalonde land, in unknown locations.

%% End of the example section - Katana
* September 7, 2000, 4:13:14 P.M.: During an otherwise routine psychoanalysis session between Rose and Jaspers, Jaspers tells Rose a stunning secret: MEOW. This imparts the MEOW code to Rose's subconscious, and she spends the next few years scrawling it all over her walls and in a book devoted to the purpose, though she subconsciously supresses all knowledge of doing so. After imparting this secret, Jaspers mysteriously vanishes, having been Appearified elsewhere. An ectobiological sample of Jaspers is also taken at this time.
* September 21, 2000, 4:13:14 P.M.: Rose discovers Jaspers--or rather, his corpse--in the river that runs beneath her house. She asks her mother to give him a funeral; she does so, but goes typically overboard, having him taxidermied, dressing him in a fresh suit, and erecting a mausoleum in the backyard. In later years, Rose will take this as a display of extreme sarcasm and irony, thus beginning an extended contest of passive-aggressive oneupmanship.
* ????? ??, ????: Thanks to Gamzee's chucklevoodoos, John develops a subconscious fear of clowns and clown-related phenomena. He also begins scrawling clown images all over the walls of his room, though he is neither cognizant of the act nor of the scribblings' existence. His father mistakes their nature, believing them to be indicative of a deep love of clowns, and begins collecting harlequin figures and paintings in an effort to bond with his son. Through a combination of Gamzee's chucklevoodoos and Dave's own subconscious fears, Cal appears in Dave's tower on Derse.
* ????? ??, ????: Grandpa Harley returns from the Medium through unknown means. When he returns, it is with a Fenestrated Wall stolen from Archagent Jack Noir, a stuffed and mounted "Typheus Minion", and the taxidermied corpse of Jade's dream self. The Fenestrated Wall and Jade's corpse are stored in the top floor of his tower along with Halley's taxidermied remains, while the Typheus Minion's bulk blocks the transportalizer on the lowest floor.

** While preparing to send Jade's present, John is trolled by Kanaya. He quickly buries her under a deluge of cultural references, but she manages to get across she will be speaking with Rose in the future, and posts an excerpt from their chatlog to prove it. John points out that the "Rose" in the chatlog claimed to like Little Monsters, which the real Rose most emphatically does not. Kanaya concludes that Rose was trolling her, while John tells her that Rose is better than that.
** Before he can go back to getting his present for Jade ready, John is trolled by Vriska, who tells her that she will be giving him the gift of immortality for his birthday, but also tricking and murdering him. She then proceeds to gloat about the fact that this is inevitable, even though she's told him it's coming. John is thoroughly unimpressed.
** John ''finally'' sends Jade's present.
** Jade is pestered by John about the present he sent her. She points out that it might take a while for it to get to her island (drastically understating the extent of the package's intertemporal journey), much to John's chagrin. Halfway through their chat, she is trolled by Karkat, who tells her that her dreambot will explode at some point in the future, and to contact him when it does. She returns to her chat with John, informing he that she had just been trolled yet again. John comments that he's been thinking of changing of changing his chumhandle to throw the trolls off.
** Just before he changes his chumhandle, John is trolled by Terezi. Her comment that he is "[[color:teal:[=4 TOT4L D1SGR4C3 TO TH3 F13LD OF 3CTOB1OLOGY=]]]" inspires him to choose the handle ectoBiologist.
** Jade's mysterious penpal Sendificates the modified form of her bunny to her. She takes it back to her room to work on it, where she is trolled by Feferi. While Feferi tries to be friendly and encouraging, Jade is thoroughly fed up with the trolls by this point.

** Betty Crocker sends Dave a link to the Insane Clown Posse "Miracles" music video. Shortly thereafter, Gamzee trolls Dave in retaliation for sending him the link and destroying his faith (though from Dave's perspective, this hasn't actually happened yet). While Dave can't decide if Gamzee is hilariously ironic or terrifying, they proceed to have one of the best rap-offs in all of paradox space.
** Dave opens John's present: sunglasses that were actually worn by Ben Stiller. He promptly replaces his ironically shitty pointy anime shades with them, and wears the Stiller shades exclusively and constantly from that point forward.
** Immediately after swapping out his shades, Dave is trolled by Tavros, who indicates that he is doing so because of something terrible that Dave has yet to do. Dave couldn't care less, and his counter-trolling quickly routs Tavros.

** Rose recieves yarn and knitting needles from John for her birthday; the accompanying note suggests that she would probably be good at it, on account of her creativity, and that she could use a hobby to take her mind off of her grimdark tendencies. Later events will prove John absolutely correct on both counts.
** Immediately after recieving her gift, Rose is trolled by Kanaya for the first time from her perspective, and the second from Kanaya's. Kanaya establishes that she exists on a time axis separate from Rose's, and is capable of of communicating with Rose's timeline in a non-linear fashion. She also expresses an interest in friendship. Rose accepts, more out of passive-aggressive amusement than true belief in what Kanaya is telling her.
** Rose is pestered by Jade. During this conversation, Jade suggests that Rose keep her ear to the ground about a game that will be coming out in the future that will be able to resurrect Jaspers. Rose also expresses her intent to learn to knit, if only so she can give John a suitably ironic and passive-aggressive gift for his upcoming birthday.

** John quickly retrieves his arms from his magic chest. His fake arms, that is. He also struggles to get his sylladex to cooperate long enough to put up the ''LittleMonsters'' poster his Dad got him, captchalogueing some smoke pellets in the process.
** After messing around with his sylladex for a while, John is pestered by Dave. They briefly discuss the apple juice Dave found in his closet, before Dave asks whether John got the Sburb Beta yet. John says no, and Dave suggests that he check his mail. John looks out the window, and yes, little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it is called is flipped up; the mail has arrived! However, Dad drives in just then, and John has no desire to face him and the cake he shall undoubtedly force upon him, should they meet. After wasting some time reading Colonel Sassacre and putting his fake arms on one of the many birthday cakes in his room, John informs Dave of the mail situation, who expresses irritation at Rose's constant pestering of him to play Sburb with her. He also helps John allocate his Strife Specibus with the Hammerkind Abstratus.
** After captchalogueing Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery and putting on a "clever disguise", John goes downstairs to retrieve the mail, burns his copy of [=GameBro=] Magazine (deliberately), and knocks over the urn containing Nanna Egbert's ashes (accidentally). He augments his disguise with a pipe from a nearby table, clumsily restores the urn, then opens the giant present his dad left for him in the living room. To John's disgust, it is a giant harlequin doll. He sits it on the couch so that it at least won't be splayed on the floor in an unsettling an mildly obscene example of the UncannyValley in action.
** Rose pesters Dave, asking him yet again to play Sburb with her. He refuses, but does sarcastically [[TemptingFate promise that he will play with her if her life depends on it.]]
** Rose pesters Jade about the lack of availability of a partner to play Sburb with: Dave flatly refuses to play, John's copy hasn't arrived yet, and Jade doesn't own a copy at all. Jade assures her that while there will be many obstacles, today is indeed the day that they will play Sburb, and John will be her client player.
** John returns upstairs for the fake arms. While there, he is pestered by Rose, who asks if he has the Beta. John says that he doesn't have it yet, but that it might have come in the mail. He goes back downstairs and, using cake frosting, attaches the fake arms to the harlequin doll.
** John enters his Dad's study, swaps out the hat in his "clever disguise", obtains an extra captchalogue card (and then promptly captchalogues it, making it useless), plays a haunting piano refrain,plays a one-man game of fifty-two pickup, and then finally stops wasting time and goes outside to check the mail. Which, predictably enough, has already been picked up by his Dad.
** John checks the car to see if his Dad left the mail in there. He sees a green package and an envelope, but cannot take them, since the car is locked and his Dad has the keys. He then looks in the kitchen window, and confirms that the rest of the mail is in there. As the window is locked, he has no choice but to enter the kitchen and confront his Dad. On the way to kitchen, he passes the harlequin doll. One of its arms has fallen off into a nearby cake.
** Surprising no one, John's disguise completely fails to fool Dad. He unequips it, and they proceed to Strife. After being pied in the face and forced to accept a cake, the resultant sylladex shenanigans distract Dad long enough for John to grab Dad's PDA, the red package, and the Sburb Beta (incidentally expanding his sylladex by one card in the process), and then abscond to the living room.
** John captchalogues the cake sitting next to the harlequin doll, along with the fake arm that has fallen onto it. He then combines the two cakes in his sylladex to make a double-decker cake. Unfortunately, due to the vagarities of sylladex mechanics, this results in everything in his sylladex being smushed inside the resulting cake.
** John goes upstairs to the bathroom and uses his Dad's razor to extract the goods from the cake, using a nearby towel to clean them off. He then captchalogues all of the items; the cake is catapulted from his sylladex into the toilet.
** John returns to his room to find that he missed being pestered by Jade while downstairs, and that Dave is currently pestering him. He asks if John received a red package in the mail, saying that it's from him and that John should open it. John tells Dave that he got the Beta and invites him to a game, but Dave turns him down, telling him to play with Rose instead. He also advises John to bone up on data structures so that he can upgrade his sylladex.
** John installs the Sburb Beta client application. Unfortunately, it's useless without someone to act as server. While he waits, John reads ''Data Structures for Assholes''...or starts to, before being put off by its abrasive tone. He settles for taking the free Queue Fetch Modus included with the book.
** After wrecking his room and launching his Dad's PDA and the Wise Guy book out the window while struggling with the new Fetch Modus, John opens Dave's package. Inside is the bunny from Con Air.
** Rose pesters John and tells him she'll be his server player. They connect, and while getting a feel for the controls, she moves his magic chest to the roof. On the bright side, John can now access the Stack Modus card that was trapped beneath it and toggle between Fetch Modi at will, simultaneously simplifying and complicating future sylladex shenanigans.
** John's Dad leaves leaves in the car for more baking supplies.
** Rose continues to get a feel for the controls, discovering a limit on their range from the player, discovering that they cannot select a player, putting the bunny back in the box, expanding John's room, and deploying the Totem Lathe in the newly-expanded space. She observes that there is a limited supply of "Build Grist" for the server player to work with, but that certain objects (such as the Totem Lathe) are free. John expresses an interest in using Sburb's environmental editing capabilities, but Rose informs him that he cannot do so without the server application, which would have been contained in a separate envelope. John realizes that the server application is still in his Dad's car. As the expanded room has increased the range of Rose's cursor, she retrieves the Wise Guy book and PDA for John.
** Rose deploys the Cruxtruder in the doorway of John's house, and the Alchemiter on the balcony. John goes to investigate the Alchemiter, using the PDA to keep in contact with Rose. Meanwhile, Rose, while trying to clean the cake out of John's toilet, accidentally rips the whole thing out of the bathroom floor and tosses it into the yard, leaving a gaping hole in the bathroom floor leading to the utility room. [[BlatantLies She assures an aggravated John that she can fix it]], suggesting that he check out the Cruxtruder while she does so. John jumps down the hole and allocates the sledgehammer in the utility room to his Strife Specibus.
** John is pestered by Jade's dream self, who asks if he got her package. John tells her that it's in his Dad's car, and he's not back yet. He starts to tell her about Sburb, but they are interrupted by an explosion outside of Jade's house. Jade goes to investigate.
** While attempting to repair John's bathroom, Rose accidentally rips the bathtub up from the floor. She attempts to move it to the driveway, but the connection is lost midway, dropping it at the top of the stairs. After a brief argument over this, she helps John use his sledgehammer on the Cruxtruder, freeing the kernelsprite. A mysterious countdown begins, starting at four minutes and thirteen seconds. After consulting the rather fragmentary Sburb GameFaqs guides, Rose determines that John must use the Cruxtruder to obtain a cruxite dowel. She also deploys the Pre-punched Card. As these additions to his sylladex make the PDA inaccessible, John captchalogue some nearby harlequin figurines, pushing the PDA to the end of his sylladex. The shrapnel expelled from his sylladex maims the harlequin doll. Rose prototypes the kernelsprite with the doll.
** After further sylladex shenanigans that launch his PDA into the neighbor's yard, John attempts to use the cruxite dowel with the Alchemiter, but succeeds only in producing three Perfectly Generic Objects, which are completely useless. Something in the sky catches his eye; peering through his telescope, it turns out to be a meteor on a direct collision course with John's house. As he makes this observation, the timer ticks down to 3:00.
** As Dad gets home and Rose repairs the holes in the bathroom floor, John returns to his room and gets back into contact with Rose and tells her about the meteor. Rose suspects that it is a game construct, as all of the GameFaqs guides assume a panicked tone around this point and then end abruptly. She tells John to use the Pre-punched Card on the Totem Lathe. She also expresses her intent to write a walkthrough of her own when things calm down a bit. John is also pestered by Dave, and informs him that he may be about to die by meteor, and that he'll get back to him if he survives.
** While Rose continues repairing the bathroom, John uses the Pre-punched Card and Totem Lathe to carve the cruxite dowel into a usable totem. However, Rose once again loses her connection just as she is moving the bathtub, and she drops it just outside of John's room, trapping him inside. The timer ticks down to 2:00.
** Rose wastes forty seconds playing a haunting violin refrain, then captachlogues her violin, knitting supplies, grimoire of the zoologically dubious, and laptop, and makes for the observatory to tap into the wireless connection of the lab next door. She glances through the telescope and notices several meteors streaking overhead, then connects to the lab's network (one of the signals is conveniently unsecured) and reconnects with John.
** With only thirty-one seconds left, Rose tears the door off of John's room, returns the bathtub to the bathroom, and stores the Perfectly Generic Objects, clearing the way for John to rush to the Alchemiter and alchemize his entry item: a tree, which sprouts a blue apple. John takes a bite of the apple barely a second before the meteor strikes, transporting the house and everything in it into the Medium.
** Rose attempts to pester John, but he is too busy searching the house for his Dad. While she waits, she starts her walkthrough.
** Rose tells John what she has learned about the meteors. According to the news reports, meteors are striking people's homes all over the world, and they are getting progressively bigger; the one that struck John's house was the largest one so far. His neighborhood was utterly destroyed; wherever he is now, being transported there is the only thing that saved him. She wishes John happy birthday, and helps him retrieve his PDA. Again.
** The falling meteors have started a forest fire around Rose's house. In addition, her laptop is running low on battery power.
** Rose attempts to prototype the harlesprite with various objects, ultimately and completely accidentally prototyping it with John's Nanna's ashes.
** While moving John's Dad's car up to the balcony so John can get at the server copy of the Sburb Beta, Rose's laptop battery finally runs out. She puts her now-inert laptop in a knitted cozy, allocates her Strife Specibus with the Needlekind Abstratus, and reads about the Horrorterrors in her grimoire before deciding to stop wasting time and go to the backup power generator at the mausoleum outside.

* John, Dad, and their house enter the Medium, on a massive pillar somewhere in the Land of Wind and Shade. The kernel of John's kernelsprite splits in half; one travels to the Prospitian prototyping tower, one goes to its Dersite counterpart (prototyping the underlings in the process), and the sprite itself stays behind as a Tier-1-prototyped Harlequinsprite.
* The house then gets invaded by imps sent from the Kingdom of Derse.

'''Doomed Timelines'''
* John trusts Terezi and skips all the way to the seventh gate, confronting Typheus, the Slumbering One, directly. This ends badly, with him getting killed, and thus being unable to help Jade get into the medium. Also in this timeline, Dave Tier 2 prototypes with the remains of Lil' Cal, which proves to be questionable since Calsprite becomes very annoying very fast. He and Rose discuss the deaths of their friends, and determine that they can progress no further without their help. Dave then rewinds all the way to the past in the alpha timeline, just before he prototyped his sprite, while Rose prepares to salvage her dream self from the doomed timeline.

* At some point prior to Terezi's scratching of Disc 2, Hussie ascends to the God Tiers as the fully-realized Waste of Space. [[FakeUltimateHero Or possibly just]] [[TheMerch puts on one of the God Tier hoodies from his online store.]] He begins making preparations for the Scratch, placing two Fourth Walls exactly one yard apart and hanging Lord English's coat (or possibly a replica thereof) over one of them.

** An ectobiological sample of Grandpa Harley is taken by John in the future.

* The Scratch occurs.

* Moments afterwards, Jack (troll universe Jack) kills the Genesis Frog from the troll session, which is Earth's universe, thus officially killing the universe.

* Bec Noir destroys the universe from the outside. It will be reset by the Scratch.

!'''Human Session'''

!'''Alternia'''

!'''Troll Session'''

!'''The Furthest Ring'''

Due to rampant TimeTravelTropes, this page has been organized into multiple timelines. It's difficult, if not impossible, to say which timeline is "first", so their order is essentially arbitrary with respect to one another. (Simply put, from the perspective of other timelines, each timeline is a PlaceBeyondTime, so don't assume that Earth came first chronologically.) Events within the timelines do not always have a specific timestamp associated with them, but are listed in chronological order. Indented events are likewise in chronological order, elaborating upon the chain of events taking place during a specific span of time.

!'''Earth'''

* April 13, 413,000,000 B.C.E.: A meteor impacts what will, in a few million years, be a small island in the Pacific, carrying down the Frog Temple and the newly created Becquerel, First Guardian of Earth.
* April 10, 1910: A meteor impacts Redding, Connecticut, destroying a bakery owned by the abominable batterwitch and bakery baroness Betty Crocker, but leaving the female human infant and oil-stained fedora hat riding it down miraculously unharmed. The girl, who would eventually be known as Nanna Egbert, is taken in by the batterwitch's husband, aristocratic southern colonel and renowned humorist Colonel Sassacre.
* April 21, 1910: A second meteor impacts Redding, Connecticut, destroying the doghouse of Colonel Sassacre's faithful canine companion, Halley, but leaving the human male infant and dual flintlock pistols riding it down miraculously unharmed. Halley is also unharmed, but this is not quite as miraculous, given that he was not in the doghouse at time of its destruction. The boy, who would one day be known as Grandpa Harley, accidentally fires the pistols, killing an investigating Sassacre. Both he and Nanna Egbert are taken in by Sassacre's wife, the abominable batterwitch Betty Crocker.
* April 21, 1923: Harley and Halley leave Nanna Egbert for a life of adventure. Nanna is left to grow up under the tender mercies of Betty Crocker. At some point during this period, she discovers the batterwitch's greatest secret: that she isn't human at all. It is also on this day that an ectobiological sample of Halley is taken.
* ????? ??, 19??: Halley dies; his master stuffs him and stores him in his tower's top floor.
* December 1, 1995: A meteor impacts Maple Valley, Washington, utterly destroying a local factory owned by the Betty Crocker company but leaving its cargo, a female human infant and a partially knit-restored stuffed bunny, miraculously unharmed. The girl is soon adopted by the multimillionaire owner of the aforementioned corporation, Grandpa Harley, and named Jade Harley. On the same day, an ectobiological sample is taken of Nanna Egbert, one of the witnesses of the catastrophe.
* December 3, 1995: Jade Harley and her adoptive Grandpa move to the uninhabited island where the Frog Temple and Becquerel located. An ectobiological sample of Grandpa is collected. On the same day, a meteor impacts an unknown city in Texas, destroying a small record shop. The meteor was carrying a pony and a human infant; the pony dies on impact but the child is unharmed.
* December 4, 1995: The meteor-borne infant, a boy, is adopted by one of the former patrons of the destroyed shop and named Dave Strider. On the same day, another meteor ends all aquatic life in a lake in New York, but leaves its cargo, a human female infant and a much-abused stuffed bunny, unharmed. The infant, this time a girl, is adopted by a local scientist and named Rose Lalonde. An ectobiological sample of Bro Strider, Dave's adoptive guardian, is also collected at this time.
* April 13, 1996: A second meteor impacts Maple Valley, Washington. It lands on a local family joke shop, destroying the shop, the shopping mall in which the aforementioned shop is situated, and killing Nanna Egbert. The infant boy and the rather hefty unabridged joke book riding the meteor are completely unharmed. The boy is adopted by Nanna Egbert's son and named John Egbert. Mom Lalonde is seen investigating at Grandpa Harley's behest, an ectobiological sample of her is taken on this day. She loses her scarf, but it is found by Dad Egbert.
* December 1, ????: For her birthday, Hass introduces Jade to the thrill of the hunt. Also extreme overkill. Jade rides Bec elsewhere on the island, where John's present for her thirteenth birthday (two packets of pumpkin seeds, and a blue Slimer knockoff shirt) appearifies in front of her. This inspires Jade to a) take up gardening, and b) become friends with John in the first place.
* ????? ??, ????: Jade Harley almost kills herself with a Flintlock pistol, but Tavros Nitram, observing from the trolls' session, communes Becquerel into redirecting the bullet into Jade's Grandpa. Jade honors her grandpa's funeral tradition by stuffing him and installing him in front of the chimney.

* The Sgrub session starts.

** PM arrives in the troll's session, wearing the white queen's wing and ready to face Bec Noir.

* ??? years after Sgrub: The Banished Quasiroyal, an exiled Black Queen, wanders the deserts of post-apocalyptic Alternia when she is accosted by Doc Scratch, who gives her the new identity of Snowman and the power to destroy the universe upon her death. She proceeds to manipulate Vriska and Terezi into getting Jack Noir exiled in revenge for her own banishment.

* Spades Slick finds Snowman and kills her with Doc Scratch's gun, resulting in the end of the universe.

* The Tumor explodes, creating the Green Sun and killing Rose and Dave, who immediately ascend to God Tier. They then make their way to the surface of the sun.

* God-tier Rose and Dave finally emerge from the Green Sun.

* Rose pilots the severed moon of Derse through the Furthest Ring. While doing so, she passes through a dream bubble and has a conversation with a sleeping Dave. They are interrupted by the Draconian Dignitary, who stabs Dave's dream projection, forcing him to wake up.

Due to rampant TimeTravelTropes, this page has been organized into multiple timelines. It's difficult, if not impossible, to say which timeline is "first", so their order is essentially arbitrary with respect to one another. (Simply put, from the perspective of other timelines, each timeline is a PlaceBeyondTime.) Events within the timelines do not always have a specific timestamp associated with them, but are listed in chronological order. Indented events are likewise in chronological order, elaborating upon the chain of events taking place during a specific span of time.

Due to rampant TimeTravelTropes, this page has been organized into multiple timelines. It's difficult, if not impossible, to say which timeline is "first", so their order is essentially arbitrary with respect to one another. Events within the timelines do not always have a specific timestamp associated with them, but are listed in chronological order. Indented events are likewise in chronological order, elaborating upon the chain of events taking place during a specific span of time.

Troper's Note: Don't read too much into the page as of yet; it's under heavy revising.