History Recap / OneThousandWaysToDieSeason3

Two rich [[SpoiledBrat spoiled brats]] go on a trip to the Serengeti. Bored of the safari, and against the warnings of their guide, they go off on their own, get dehydrated, and pass out under a tree. The tree turns out to be home to ravenous driver ants that [[EatenAlive eat the brother from the inside out]]. While the sister is spared, because her perfume has a chemical in it that's used in insect repellent, she is completely horrified upon seeing his brother's ravaged corpse.

->''This surfer punk would run over his grandad for a parking spot. But now, instead of hanging ten, he’s deep sixed. Welcome to Hell, Hank. You can park there as long as you like.''

->''Sal was a bottom-feeding crook who liked to jerk people's chains. But in this one man chop shop, Sal found out the hard way: he was his own weak link.''

* BloodFromEveryOrifice: Sal's fate when the engine crushes his chest, as he bleeds from his eyes, ears, nose and mouth.

Hoping to hook up with a rapper who [[Music/SirMixALot likes big butts and cannot lie]], a white, wannabe hip-hop queen gets cosmetic surgery for her buttocks from a quack surgeon, who uses bathroom caulk instead of silicon to make her booty-licious. She ends up dead after the bathroom caulk gets in her bloodstream and clogs her lungs and heart.

An apathetic stewardess on her last flight before [[{{Retirony}} retiring]] really should've heeded the "buckle your seat belts" sign on a plane. Otherwise, she wouldn't have been sucked out of the plane when the fuselage ruptured, suffering a [[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverkill triple death whammy]] before she even hit the ocean due to flaying, hypoxia and hypothermia.

->''Norman stuffed animals for work, and ate them for fun. But after he bit into the wrong one, Norman turned rabid, and was done. You silly wabbit!''

A group of [[GoodOlBoy good ol' boys]] with a pumpkin cannon they made themselves ([[BaitAndSwitch which should have killed them, but didn't]], since they were drunk and a lot can go wrong when you make machines yourself if you don't have the skills and know-how) test it out -- and inadvertently stop a pumpkin thief when one of their pumpkins hits him in the chest.

An immigrant-hunting Arizonian with a love of chewing tobacco patrols the border. He hits a large bump and accidentally [[TongueTrauma bites down on his tongue]], causing it to swell and block his airway (as he was born with erectile glossitis, which sounds like a sexual disease, but really means that his tongue has a nasty reaction when he bites down on it -- moreso when he gets chewing tobacco in the bite).

A German real life MadScientist experimenting with reanimation tries to resurrect a rattlesnake using an electric current. The snake has a sudden muscle spasm which causes it to bite the scientist in the neck, fatally poisoning him.

->''Casey was an aggro softballer who lived by the motto "no pain, no game". We have a new one for him: "no ruptured hernia, no death". You're out!''

->''Barry curled his ladies' hair, and then their toes. But in the end, his booze and ludes love potion left him too hot under the collar.''

* {{Fingore}}: A port-mortem example, as when Doug tries to take one of Jim's rings that's stuck on his finger, he ends up ripping off the finger, and tosses it aside after removing the ring from it.
* TheUnfavorite: Doug is described at this, which motivates his decision to rob the riches from Jim's corpse.

A horny couple on an airplane try to have some fun in the MileHighClub after the stewardess tells them to knock off their PDA in the cabin. The plane hits some turbulence, causing them to break their bones and skulls against the lavatory's walls and [[GrievousHarmWithABody each other]].
->''A wise man, when asked if sex was dirty, replied, "only when it’s done right." Darren and Bernice just chose the wrong place. Next time, get a room, not a bathroom.''

An injured GangBanger is brought by his homies to a back alley doctor (if they went to a real hospital, they'd get busted, as medical staff is allowed to call the police on you if you're injured while committing a crime). The doctor is uncooperative and gets [[PistolWhipping pistol whipped]] unconscious. The gangsters try to operate themselves, but accidentally put an oxygen tube into his stomach, inflating it and [[LudicrousGibs popping it like a bloody balloon]].

A low-level actor with a rap sheet bigger than his acting credits has been hired for a 1700s-style pistol duel in a historical flick. The actor decides to kill his costar by loading his prop flintlock pistol with a real bullet so he can [[MakeItLookLikeAnAccident make the death look like an accident]]. The would-be murderer dies instead when his pistol [[BoomInTheHand blows his hand off]] from being overpacked with gunpowder, causing him to bleed out from his stump and a piece of shrapnel that sliced a femoral artery in his thigh.
->''Jim was desperate to be a big star, and would kill to get that leading role. In the end, his death scene was... very believable.''

->''Perillos wanted more out of life. He tried impressing the king, but wound up cooking his own goose... and that's no bull.''

A kleptomaniac college roommate swipes what she thinks is moisturizer for tanning, but is actually medical cream for psoriasis. A chemical in the cream reacts with the UV radiation from the tanning bed (which also isn't hers) and causes second-degree burns and deadly dehydration.

!! #127: Ji-Had it Coming

A crane worker hooked on cocaine needs to pass his drug test to keep his job. His girlfriend, a hospital cook, gives him some blood from her job and tells him to warm it up before he injects it in himself [[note]] it’s important to know this never would have worked even if he had warmed up the blood.[[/note]] The crane worker doesn't listen and dies when he injects himself with blood that was left in the refrigerator overnight, due to the chilled blood causing irregular fibrillation and tachycardia upon entering his heart.
->''Even crane operators need a lift. Ramone just used the wrong substance, had the wrong plan to beat the test. The only thing he got right... dying.''

A mob-connected parolee on work release believes a co-worker is speaking ill of him to his parole officer and goes to confront them, but forgets to put the brakes on his dumpster. The dumpster pins him to another one, killing him by a sharp end of his dumpster puncturing his abdomen.

* CoolGarage: Mitch decides to build himself a "man cave", at the expense of his family.

->''Max was a traitor who deserved to die. In the end he did his country a favor, and did himself in. Danke schön... Dummkopf![[labelnote:Translation]]Thank you very much... dumbass![[/labelnote]]''

* PoorCommunicationKills: Max thought he'd been discovered as a traitor, when in reality the man calling out to him just wanted to return his notebook. Had the man said as much to Max, he likely wouldn't have used his CyanidePill.

->''It's the age-old battle of the sexes. Men will do whatever it takes to bed down the babe-a-licious beauties of the world. Mr. Amnesia just used the wrong weapon, and wound up killed in action.''

A bank robber places a [[ExplosiveLeash bomb collar]] on himself to trick tellers into believing that he's being used as a pawn for bank robbing. When the police got called to the bank, he tries to tell the police about his situation in order to avoid possible jail time. Just as a teller leaves and unlocks her car with a remote control, she accidentally [[YourHeadAsplode set off the C4 on the robber's collar]] as the collar used the same frequency.

We go back to that dangerous era known as the 1970s, where a coke dealer hits the disco and does some lines. He [[KillerOutfit trips over his platform shoes]] [[SlashedThroat and pierces his jugular]] [[KillerOutfit on a pointy end of his male symbol necklace]], bleeding out quickly due to an accelerated heart rate from dancing and the cocaine.

A {{Jerkass}} [[SadistTeacher football coach]] whose career is on the toilet after getting caught cheating and people protesting over his abusive training methods gets a well-deserved [[GroinAttack kick in the balls]] from one of his players, who had a lead insert in his cleats per his orders. He is hit with enough force to crack his pelvis and send a bone shard into his kidneys, causing sepsis and internal bleeding.

A man and his wife go on vacation to escape the man's PsychoExGirlfriend who can't get it in her head that her ex-boyfriend is married to another woman. When the couple comes back, they find the ex-girlfriend's body in the chimney. Turns out she tried to sneak into the house ''a la'' Santa Claus, but ended up stuck in the cramped space, slowly dying from dehydration and starvation.

->''Stelgis lived in a fantasy world where nothing matters but touchdowns, interceptions and yards per carry. But then he got mugged by reality. Mark it down, Stelgis... you've been sacked.''

An Italian noblewoman from the Renaissance has a chastity belt placed on her by her husband to preserve her fidelity, after he catches her cheating on him [[ReallyGetsAround for the umpteenth time]]. She and another suitor, after [[BaitAndSwitch he fails to remove it with a knife]], manage to slip it off in a tub of oil and water, but each time she slips it off and back on, she scratches herself on the belt's rust, eventually contracting tetanus and dying from it.

->''Nicolo tried to avenge his father's death, but instead he followed him to the grave. Yo, Nicolo! It's-a "turn the other cheek", not "burn the other cheek"!''

An incompetent office worker and [[TheSociopath sociopath]] who just got fired tries to get revenge on his boss by hiding in a tree, preparing to kill her with a sniper rifle. The would-be assassin suffers a bout of vertigo caused by an allergy from oak tree pollen, misses his former boss, and drops to the ground, fracturing his skull.

At a bachelor party, a horndog tries to rape a stripper who was just used as a human sushi bar. The stripper pushes the man off, he backs into a toilet (which was having some plumbing problems) and causes it to explode by flushing it. In an inversion of the old "hooker gets killed at a bachelor party" scenario [[note]](which was the plot to the obscure BlackComedy film ''Very Bad Things'')[[/note]], the man slips and [[AssShove gets a broken piece of porcelain stuck in his ass]], causing him to bleed out and die.
->''Jason was a pig disguised as a human being. He did his fiancee a huge favor. He turned "I do" into... "I dead".''

->''Ralph was a loser who thought a long-canceled TV show was important. But he broke one of our rules, and paid with his life. Don't pity dis fool!''

A woman decides to get rid of her overgrown pubic hair once and for all by cutting it, shaving it, and waxing it. She really should have sprung for a professional wax job, because the amateur job [[GroinAttack caused a tear in her labia majora]] that gave her necrotizing fasciitis (the flesh-eating virus). She would have gone to a doctor about it, but she had no medical insurance.

->''If there's any question on why this idiot died, how about this? Go lay in front of a car and allow it to crush your testicle, your stomach, your lungs, your heart, and finally, your brain, and then get back to me.''

A washed-up Olympic diver takes a job as a pool bodyguard, using his job as a hunting ground for cougars, [=MILFs=], and middle-aged divorcees. While on a date with one, he dives into the pool, hits his head on a chlorine dispenser and dies from the head trauma.

A man with fatal familial insomnia (a rare genetically inherited brain defect that makes it physically impossible for the sufferer to sleep) accidentally kills a man with his car. Rather than turn himself in for vehicular manslaughter, he goes to a sleep clinic for help, but guilt from killing the man only make his insomnia worse. He eventually succumbs to a stroke from staying awake for months on end.

->''Trevor thought he'd get a big payday by faking an injury. But then he got exposed, and took the express car to hell. Going down.''

->''If anyone deserved to die, it was John. He promised immortality, but made sure his clients would end up dead. That's pretty damn cold, don't you think?''

->''If Elias was a cake, his recpie would be a layer of dirty, another of clumsy, topped off with a thick frosting of bad attitude. In the end, he got his... just desserts.''

A couple of con artists swipe barrels of toxic waste. The boyfriend feels uneasy with dumping them, and makes the girlfriend dump them instead after one insult too many, but she trips over an old toilet and gets a face (and lungs) full of waste.

->''Javez’s love for America was strange, but misguided. In the land of the free, he was one more dead guy.''

A security guard who wants to be a cop (but failed the police academy exam) uses a hose to break up a protest outside of a pharmaceutical company that does animal-testing. As he's getting the sexy protesters wet, the hose slips from his fingers, knocks him to the ground, and clobbers him in the head, killing him with fatal blunt force trauma.

->''[[Creator/HenryWadsworthLongfellow A wise man]] once said "youth comes but once in a lifetime". Seth also learned the same lesson about death.''

A campaign manager working for a candidate who is running for mayor drugs him and plots to destroy his good name by claiming that he had sex with her. When she drags him out in front of the press, however, the flashing lights of the cameras triggers her photic sneeze reflex (she suffered from a condition called "A.C.H.O.O. Syndrome"), causing her to sneeze so much she bursts blood vessels.

In the 1950s, a mentally unstable killer is given electroshock therapy to curb his psychosis while doing time at a psychiatric hospital. He pretends to be catatonic and holds a nurse hostage while making an escape, but the repeated electric shocks have taken a toll on his heart and, before he can get out, he dies of cardiac arrest.
->''Charles was a bad guy who thought he could beat his shock treatment. But then his heart took a pounding, and then it stopped... beating.''

->''The botched robbery attempt got Tyrone life in prison. His cowardly partner, Eddie, got a stiffer sentence: death.''

->''Nancy was a one in a million harpy. She was 1 in 23 million who have this extreme reaction to water. When you add it all up, it amounts to one very angry, very melted... witch.''

->''Cecilia was a parasite who sucked money like it was blood. Then one day, she sucked too hard. And wound up... liquidated.''

->''A drunk Wilbur was preparing with the harsh Minnesota winter. It turned into a face-off. Wilbur lost, and his face... came off.''

->''Sandra was a tomboy who tried to go toe-to-toe with the guys. But when it came time to let it rip, she filled it up, and blew out her own... gas-ket.''

A food vendor at a carnival gives chase after a woman he tried to seduce, but gets batter dumped on his head. He hits a pole and falls face-first into a deep fryer.
->''Okay, guys. Here's some dating advice: Deep fried foods are a no-no, and not every girl wants you... and most importantly, no does mean no. Got it?''

[[/folder]]

[[folder: Episode 33: Young, Dumb, and Full of Death]]
!! #396: Onesie & Donesie
A clumsy, accident-prone home-shopping network salesman [[BaitAndSwitch survives a ladder falling out from under him and getting a broken samurai sword in the chest]], only for a onesie he wears to catch fire on an aromatherapy candle and [[ManOnFire burn him alive]]. The stagehand tried to save him, but the fire extinguisher was faulty.
->''Chet was a nice enough guy, but he was his own worst enemy. In the end, the only thing Chet had to fear... was fear himself.''

A horny divorcée hits on some construction workers and asks one of them to put some sun lotion on her back. One of the workers gets DistractedByTheSexy and loses control of his concrete saw, causing the blade to fly off and [[HalfTheManHeUsedToBe cut her in two]], [[{{Gorn}} spilling her guts all over the floor]].

A pervy building manager drills holes in his apartment in order to spy on all the beautiful female tenants. In particular, he drills a bunch of holes in the ceiling of the apartment above him so he can spy on a female tenant as she's about to take a bath. [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome The excessive holes in the ceiling, along with rot from water damage,]] [[DeathFromAbove cause the bathtub to come crashing down on the Peeping Tom's head]], [[HeadCrushing splitting his entire head open and splattering his brains all over the floor]]. The woman in the bathtub is okay, but is understandably horrified.

A corporate leader ([[{{Nepotism}} who only got the position because his dad owned the company]]) holds one of those cheesy seminars set up to try and build trust and morale between him and his coworkers. After botching a trust exercise where an employee was supposed to fall into his arms, the same employee knocks him down a cliff during a sumo match. [[BaitAndSwitch The padded sumo suit cushions his fall]], [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome but does naught to protect him from getting run down by a Smart Car]].

In the hopes of getting a human girlfriend, instead of the blow-up doll in his garage, a scrawny nerd [[KungFool tries to do some karate moves]] for a viral video. After failing to break a plank of wood and a cinderblock with his forehead, he tries wielding nunchaku (nunchucks), only to hit himself in the forehead once more, [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome causing fatal brain damage due to his skull having already been weakened by the aforementioned wood plank and cinderblock]].

A man and his wife go on vacation to escape the man's PsychoExGirlfriend who can't get it in her head that her ex-boyfriend is married to another woman. When the couple comes back, they find the ex-girlfriend's body in the chimney. Turns out she tried to sneak into the house ''a la'' Santa Claus, but [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome ended up stuck in the cramped space, slowly dying from dehydration and starvation]].

A divorcee gets drunk with her equally divorced and equally drunk friends and, unable to drive due to a DUI, takes a riding lawn mower to the store instead ([[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome never mind that driving any vehicle under the influence of any drug is considered a crime]]). She gets into a low-speed chase with the police and tries to lose them by driving on someone's lawn, but hits a rock, falls off, and can't get back up before the mower runs her over and shreds her.

A vain stripper with great honking tits (from [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polypropylene_breast_implants string implants]], which are now illegal in America due to health concerns) drinks booze and takes oxycodone to ease her back pain. She lays back on a reclining rack and ends up [[MarshmallowHell suffocating on her own massive rack]] while too wasted on booze and pills to notice.

A jilted lab assistant [[UnstoppableRage goes nuts]] in a laboratory and [[IfICantHaveYou wrecks the place after her boss ends their affair]]. She hurls a flask of sodium azide into a sink of water, which [[StuffBlowingUp causes it to explode]] and burn her face and respiratory system.

Remember the vuvuzela, that obnoxiously loud plastic horn from soccer games that was a thing in America for a while? One guy blew so hard and so long into one, he gave himself a fatal aneurysm.

While making out her boyfriend, a housesitter attempts to feed a cockatoo in order to keep it from squawking. She inadvertently sets the cockatoo free, and it flies onto the roof. When she tries to retrieve it, she falls off the balcony and through a glass table, breaking it and [[SlashedThroat severing her carotid]].

A [[HateSink detestable]] office worker rides around in a scooter and a neck brace threatening to sue the company for an accident he incurred on the job. When one coworker discovers that he's been faking his injuries, she goes to the boss to rat him out. The man [[VillainousBreakdown goes berserk]] gives chase, tries to get into an elevator before it closes, fails, tries to ram into the elevator, [[DisneyVillainDeath and only succeeds in falling down the elevator shaft.]]

Some car thieves play a game of "ghost riding the whip", where they perform tricks on a car as it drives itself. One thief tries car surfing, but falls off when the car hits a speed bump, gets his leg broken, then has the car run up his body, crushing everything including and splattering his brains on the pavement.

A pervy building manager drills holes in his apartment in order to spy on all the beautiful female tenants. In particular, he drills a bunch of holes in the ceiling of the apartment above him so he can spy on a female tenant as she's about to take a bath. The excessive holes in the ceiling, along with rot from water damage, [[DeathFromAbove cause the bathtub to come crashing down on the Peeping Tom's head]], [[HeadCrushing splitting his entire head open and splattering his brains all over the floor]]. The woman in the bathtub is okay, but is understandably horrified.

A slave driver bullies some Brazilian locals into helping him find gold in the Amazon while he goes swimming. During his swim, he urinates and [[GroinAttack gets a candiru stuck in his penis]]. He forcibly pulls the fish out, causing him to shred and bleed from his urethra and attracting a school of hungry piranhas that [[StrippedToTheBone eat him alive]].

A jockey trains to win one last race as a parting "Up yours!" to the other jockeys. [[PyrrhicVictory He wins the race, but he keels over dead]] from a combination of renal failure, potassium deficiency, and dehydration caused by going bulimic from taking illegal Chinese laxatives so he can be light enough to ride.[[note]]Much like supermodels and insecure teenage girls, some jockeys do resort to eating disorders to maintain their light weight.[[/note]]

In the hopes of getting a human girlfriend, instead of the blow-up doll in his garage, a scrawny nerd [[KungFool tries to do some karate moves]] for a viral video. After failing to break a plank of wood and a cinderblock with his forehead, he tries wielding nunchaku (nunchucks), only to hit himself in the forehead once more, causing fatal brain damage due to his skull having already been weakened by the aforementioned wood plank and cinderblock.

A {{Jerkass}} OverprotectiveDad and former Army soldier scares his daughter and her boyfriend with a gun loaded with blanks. When trying to demonstrate to them how harmless the gun really was, he puts the gun to his head and fires. Unfortunately for him, [[BoomHeadshot he shoots himself in the head]] -- not from a forgotten bullet in the chamber, but because the empty shot still had enough force to blast him through his temple and kill him.

* Best [[DeathBySex Death During Sex]]: "Ass Phyxiated" (Episode 14)

A vain stripper with [[GagBoobs great honking tits]] (from [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polypropylene_breast_implants string implants]], which are now illegal in America due to health concerns) drinks booze and takes oxycodone to ease her back pain. She lays back on a reclining rack and ends up [[MarshmallowHell suffocating on her own massive rack]] while too wasted on booze and pills to notice.