History Quotes / Portal

->And the science gets done and we make a neat gun

->So I'm glad I got burned think of all the things we learned

->I've experiments to run, there is research to be done

->And belive me I am\\

->While you're dying i'll be\\

->Remember when you tried to kill me twice

->I used want you dead but
->Now I just want you gone

->Well maybe not quite as heavy
->Now little Caroline is in here to

->Now I just want you gone

->When i delete you maybe I'll stop feeling so bad

->Go make a new disaster

->Now I only want you gone

-->-- '''Fact Core''' (It's probably a good thing that [[spoiler:TheCakeIsALie]])

->Do not touch the operational end of the Device. Do not look at the operational end of the Device. Do not submerge the Device in liquid, even partially. Most importantly, under no circumstances should you- *power drain*.

->That thing you burned up isn't important to me. It's the Fluid Catalytic Cracking Unit. It makes shoes for orphans. Nice job breaking it, hero.

-->-- '''[[AwardBaitSong Ending Song]]

->''[[ShoutOut Maybe]] [[HalfLife Black Mesa]]''

->At the Enrichment Center, we believe that a highly motivated Test Subject can carry out rather complex tasks while enduring the most intense pain. So in case you don't make it through the testing, good bye!

->Please be advised that a noticible taste of blood is not part of any test protocol, but is an unintended side-effect of the Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill, which may, in semi-rare cases, emancipate dentil fillings, crowns, tooth enamel, and teeth.

->The Enrichent Center regrets to inform you that this next test is impossible. Make no attempt to solve it. [...] No one will blame you for giving up. In fact, quitting at this point is a perfectly reasonable response. [...] Quit now, and [[AC:Cake]] will be served immediatly.

->All subjects intending to handle high energy gamma leaking portal technology must be informed that they may be informed of applicable regulatory compliance issues. No further compliance information is required, or will be provided, and you are an [[AC:eccilent]] test subject.

->The Enrichment Center is commited to the well-being of all participents. Cake, and grief couciling, will be availible at the conclusion of the test. Thank you for helping us help you help us all.

->[[spoiler:Although the euthanising process is remarkably painful, eight out of ten Aperture Science believe that the Companion Cube is most likely incapable of feeling much pain.]]

->Didn't we have some fun, though? Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said "Good-bye!" and you were like "[[AC:No way!]]" and then I was all, "We pretended we were going to murder you!" That was great.''

->You are kidding me. Did you just stuff that Aperture Science Thing We Don't Know What It Does into an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligente Incinerator? That has got to be the dumbest thing that woah, wo''ah'', [[AC:woah, ''wooaaahhh'']]... *creepy, staticy chuckle*

->Good news. I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did. It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin to make me stop flooding the Enrighment Center with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable, while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters.

->One eighteen point two five pounds package chocolate cake mix. One can prepared coconut pecan frosting. Three slash four cup vegetable oil. Four large eggs, one cup semi-sweet chocolate chips, three slash four cup butter or margerine. One and two third cups granulated sugar. Two cups all-purpose flour. Don't forget garnishes such as fish-shaped crackers, fish-shaped candies, fish-shaped solid waste, fish-shaped dirt, fish-shaped ethylbenzene, pull-and-peel licorice, fish-shaped volatile organic compounds and sediment-shaped sediment. Candy-coated peanut butter pieces, shaped like fish. One cup lemon juice. Alpha resin. Unsaturated polyester resin. Fiberglass surface resin. And volatile malted milk impoundments. Nine large egg yolks. Twelve medium geosynthetic membranes. One cup granulated sugar. An entry called "How To Kill Someone With Your Bare Hands". Two cups rhubarb, sliced. Two slash three cup granulated rhubarb. One tablespoon all-purpose rhubarb. One teaspoon grated orange rhubarb. Three tablespoons rhubarb, on fire. One large rhubarb. One cross borehole electromagnetic imaging rhubarb. Two tablespoons rhubarb juice. Adjustable aluminum head positioner. Slaughter electric needle injector. Cordless electric needle injector. Injector needle driver. Injector needle gun. Cranial caps. And it contains proven preservatives deep-penetration agents and gas and oder control chemicals. That will deoderize and preserve putrid tissue.

->When I said 'deadly' neurotoxin, the deadly was in ''massive'' [[SarcasmMode sarcasm quotes]]. I could take a ''bath'' in this stuff, put it on cerial, rub it right into my eyes; honestly, its not deadly at all. [[AC:To me]]. You on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness... a lot less funny.

->I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succede. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party. That all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either because you don't have any other friends, because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personell file. Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. "Shall. Not. Be Mourned." That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Verry official. It also says you were adopted. So that's funny too.

->Stop squirming and die like an adult or I'm going to delete your backup. STOP! Okay enough, I deleted it. No matter what happens now you're ''dead''. You're still shuffling around a little but believe me ''you're [[AC:dead]]''. The part of you that could have survived indefinately is gone. I just struck you from the [[AC:permanent record]].

-->-- '''Toilet'''

->Dispensing product.

->Gotcha!

->Didn't we have some fun, though? Remember when [[spoiler:the platform was sliding into the fire pit]] and I said "Good-bye!" and you were like "[[AC:No way!]]" and then I was all, [[spoiler:"We pretended we were going to murder you!"]] That was great.''

->[[spoiler:I'm not kidding now. Turn back or I ''will'' kill you. [...] I'm going to kill you. And all the cake is gone.]]

!!Unmarked Spoilers Below

->[[spoiler:Well you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break so far is my heart. Maybe you can settle for that, and we'll just call it a day.]]

->As part of a required test protocol, our previous statement suggesting that we would not monitor this chamber was an outright fabrication. Good job! As part of a required test protocol, we will stop enhancing the truth in three. Two. O-*static*.

->While it has been a faithful companion, your Companion Cube cannot accompany you through the rest of the test. If it could talk - and the Enrichment Center takes this opportunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without it, because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you.

->Although the euthanising process is remarkably painful, eight out of ten Aperture Science believe that the Companion Cube is most likely incapable of feeling much pain.

->The Experiment is nearing its conclusion. The Enrichment Center is required to remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake.

->Didn't we have some fun, though? Remember when [[spoiler:the platform was sliding into the fire pit]] and I said "Good-bye!" and you were like "[[AC:No way!]]" (normal voice) and then I was all, [[spoiler:"We pretended we were going to murder you!"]] That was great.''

->I'm not kidding now. Turn back or I ''will'' kill you. [...] I'm going to kill you. And all the cake is gone.

->Well you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break so far, is my heart. Maybe you can settle for that, and we'll just call it a day.

->You are kidding me. Did you just stuff that Aperture Science Thing We Don't Know What It Does into an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligente Incinerator? That has got to be the dumbest thing that woah, wo''ah'', [[AC:woah, ''wooaaahhh'']]... *creepy, staticy chuckle*
->[Speaking in lower, sexier voice]
->Good news. I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did. It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin to make me stop flooding the Enrighment Center with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable, while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters.

->Killing you and giving you good advice aren't mutually exclusive.

->Speaking of curiosity, you're curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what. ''I know''. You're going to find out first-hand before I finish explaining it, though, so I won't bother. Here's a hint: You're gonna wanna pack as much living as you can into the next couple of minutes.

->Look, you're wasting your time. And believe me, you don't have a whole lot left to waste.

->This isn't brave. Its murder. What did I ever to to you?

->That thing you burned up isn't important to me. It's the Fluid Catalytic Cracking Unit. It makes shoes for orphans. Nice job breaking it, hero.

->Neurotoxin... *cough cough* ...''so deadly''... *cough cough* ...c-''choking''... *cou-'''''HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!''''' [[AC:Kidding]].

->When I said 'deadly' neurotoxin, the deadly was in ''massive'' [[SarcasmMode sarcasm quotes]]. I could take a ''bath'' in this stuff, put it on cerial, rub it right into my eyes; honestly, its not deadly at all. [[AC:To me]]. You on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness... a lot less funny.

->Whose gonna make the cake when I'm gone? ''You''?

->That's it. I'm done reasoning with you. Starting now, there's going to be a lot less conversation and a lot. More. Killing.

->I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succede. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party. That all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either because you don't have any other friends, because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personell file. Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. "Shall. Not. Be Mourned." That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Verry official. It also says you were adopted. So that's funny too.

->What's your point, anyway? ''Survival?'' Well then. The last thing you want to do is hurt me. I have your brain scanned, and permanently packed up in case something terrible happens to you. Which its just about to.
->Don't believe me? Here. I'll put you on [[AC:H'''ellooo'''!]] ''That's you! That's how dumb you sound!''

->You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done. Including this thing. You're not smart. You're not a scientist. You're not a doctor. You're not even a full-time employee. Where did your life go so wrong?

->Unless you have a plan for building some supercomputer parts in a big hurry, this place isn't going to be safe much longer. Good job on that, by the way. *Beep*''Sarcasm Sphere self-test complete''*Beep*

->Stop squirming and die like an adult or I'm going to delete your backup. STOP! Okay enough, I deleted it. No matter what happens now you're ''dead''. You're still shuffling around a little but believe me ''you're [[AC:dead]]''. The part of you that could have survived indefinately is gone. I just struck you from the [[AC:permanent record]].

->Your entire life has been a mathematical error. A mathematical error I'm ''about'' to ''correct''.
-->-- '''[=GLaDOS=]'''

->There ''re''ally ''was'' a ''cake''...
-->-- '''[=GLaDOS=]'''

->You are kidding me. Did you just stuff that Aperture Science Thing We Don't Know What It Does into an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligente Incinerator? That has got to be the dumbest thing that woah, wo''ah'', [[AC:woah, ''wooaaahhh'']]... *creepy, staticy chuckle*
->[Speaking in lower, sexier voice]
->Good news. I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did. It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the Enrichment Center with a deadly neurotoxin to make me stop flooding the Enrighment Center with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable, while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters.

->Killing you and giving you good advice aren't mutually exclusive.

->Speaking of curiosity, you're curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what. ''I know''. You're going to find out first-hand before I finish explaining it, though, so I won't bother. Here's a hint: You're gonna wanna pack as much living as you can into the next couple of minutes.

->Look, you're wasting your time. And believe me, you don't have a whole lot left to waste.

->This isn't brave. Its murder. What did I ever to to you?

->That thing you burned up isn't important to me. It's the Fluid Catalytic Cracking Unit. It makes shoes for orphans. Nice job breaking it, hero.

->Neurotoxin... *cough cough* ...''so deadly''... *cough cough* ...c-''choking''... *cou-'''''HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!''''' [[AC:Kidding]].

->When I said 'deadly' neurotoxin, the deadly was in ''massive'' [[SarcasmMode sarcasm quotes]]. I could take a ''bath'' in this stuff, put it on cerial, rub it right into my eyes; honestly, its not deadly at all. [[AC:To me]]. You on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness... a lot less funny.

->Whose gonna make the cake when I'm gone? ''You''?

->That's it. I'm done reasoning with you. Starting now, there's going to be a lot less conversation and a lot. More. Killing.

->I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succede. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party. That all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either because you don't have any other friends, because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personell file. Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. "Shall. Not. Be Mourned." That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Verry official. It also says you were adopted. So that's funny too.

->There ''re''ally ''was'' a ''cake''...

->Speaking of curiosity, you're curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what. ''I know''. You're going to find out first-hand before I finish explaining it, though, so I won't bother. Here's a hint. You're gonna wanna pack as much living as you can into the next couple of minutes.

->Neurotoxin... *cough cough* ...''so deadly''... *cough cough* ...c-''choking''... *cou-e'''''HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!''''' [[AC:Kidding]].

->When I said 'deadly' neurotoxin, the deadly was in ''massive'' [[SarcasmMode sarcasm quotes]]. I could take a ''bath'' in this stuff, put it on cerial, rub it right into my eyes; honestly its not deadly at all. [[AC:To me]]. You on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness... a lot less funny.

->Speaking of curiosity, you're curious about what happens after you die, right? Guess what. ''I know''. You're going to find out firsthand before I finish explaining it, though, so I won't bother. Here's a hint. You're gonna wanna pack as much living as you can into the next couple of minutes.

-> ''Didn't we have some fun, though? Remember when [[spoiler:the platform was sliding into the fire pit]] and I said "Good-bye!" and you were like "[[AC:No way!]]" (normal voice) and then I was all, [[spoiler:"We pretended we were going to murder you!"]] That was great.''

->I'm not kidding now. Turn back or I ''will'' kill you. [[...]] I'm going to kill you. And all the cake is gone.

->While it has been a faithful companion, your Companion Cube cannot accompany you through the rest of the test. If it could talk - and the Enrichment Center takes this pooortunity to remind you that it cannot - it would tell you to go on without it, because it would rather die in a fire than become a burden to you.

->Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an 'unsatisfactory' ark on your Official Testing Record, followed by death. Good luck!

!!Portal

->Do not touch the operational end of the device.
->Do not look at the operational end of the device.
->Do not submerge the device in liquid, even partially.
->Most importantly, under no circumstances should you- *power drain*.

->'' Maybe you'll find someone else to help you''.\\
''[[ShoutOut Maybe]] [[HalfLife Black Mesa]]''\\
''THAT WAS A JOKE.''\\
''HA HA.'' '''FAT CHANCE'''\\

--> ''Spectacular. You appear to understand how a portal affects forward momentum, or to be more precise, how it does not. Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In layman's terms, speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out.''

-->'' Maybe you'll find someone else to help you''.\\

''HA HA.'' '''FAT CHANCE'''\\


-->''The Enrichment Center is required to remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake.''

-->''Do not touch the operational end of the device.''\\
''Do not look at the operational end of the device.''\\
''Do not submerge the device in liquid, even partially.''\\
''Most importantly, under no circumstances should you- *power drain*.''

--> ''[=GLaDOS=]: I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come either because you don't have any other friends. Because of how unlikable you are. It says so here in your personnel file: Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. 'Shall not be mourned.' That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted. So that's funny, too.''

--> ''Didn't we have some fun, though? Remember when [[spoiler:the platform was sliding into the fire pit]] and I said "Good-bye!" and you were like (deeper voice) "No way!" (normal voice) and then I was all, [[spoiler:"We pretended we were going to murder you!"]] That was great.''

--> ''Didn't we have some fun, though? Remember when [[spoiler:the platform was sliding into the fire pit]] and I said "Good-bye!" and you were like (deeper voice) "No way!" (normal voice) and then I was all, [[spoiler:"We pretended we were going to murder you!"]] That was great.''

!!Portal 2
-->''Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did?''\\
''[[NotSoDifferent We're a lot alike, you and I.]]''\\
''You tested me. I tested you.''\\
''You killed me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I haven't killed you yet.''\\
''Well, food for thought.''

-->'''Cave Johnson:''' ''Great work. Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.''

-->'''Recorded Message from Cave Johnson:''' ''To those of you who signed up to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that this test has been postponed indefinitely. The good news is that we have a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis-men! Just grab a rifle and follow the yellow line; you'll know [[HilarityEnsues when the test starts]].''

-->'''Cave Johnson:''' ''When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take back the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! WITH THE LEMONS! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN!''
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' ''Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!''

--> ''Here is a rough translation of the [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bmgPjzMJJc&feature=youtu.be french dub]]:''
-->'''Cave Johnson:''' ''Well, I've given it much thinking... When life makes you stumble, picking yourself up isn't quite enough...''
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' ''Yeah!''
-->'''Cave Johnson:''' ''you gotta bust her kneecaps, that whore!''
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' ''YEAH!''
-->'''Cave Johnson:''' ''An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth! Try to pick yourself up now, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!''
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' ''Go on! Break her kneecaps!''
-->'''Cave Johnson:''' ''I swear life will dearly regret that day she dared make Cave Johnson stumble! You know who I am? I'm the big bad wolf who'll make your house collapse! I will order my engineers...''
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' ''I like that guy...''
-->'''Cave Johnson:''' ''...to set kneecaps on your house so I can bust'em! *cough*''
-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' ''He dares to say out loud what everyone think deep inside.''

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' ''That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks "stupid". Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably -— Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! [[EveryoneLooksSexierIfFrench From France!]]''

-->'''Wheatley:''' ''Holmes versus Moriarty... Creator/{{Aristotle}} versus.. MASHY-SPIKE-PLATE!''

-->'''Adventure Core (Rick)''': ''(responses to the Fact Core) Tell it to the bad guy. Maybe you'll make him so bored his brain will explode.\\
Hey, you know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in anyway whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.\\
Do you ever notice nobody stops what they're doin' to listen? We don't care.\\
Say one useful thing. One! I dare ya! I would give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely impactful to anything at all!''

-->'''Space Core''': '''''SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE'''''

-->'''Adventure Core (Rick)''': ''(responses to the Space Core) Oh shut up. There's'' nothing ''in space! That's why it's'' space!\\
''Oh, really? Space? Really? Shoulda said something.'' ''[[SarcasmMode We had]]'' [[SarcasmMode no]] ''[[SarcasmMode idea.]]''\\
''Y'know what I hope is in space? Fire. I hope you go to space, and you catch on fire.\\
Damnit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! IN IT! WE GET IT!!!''

-->'''Space Core:''' [[spoiler:''Dad, I'm in space.'']]\\
'''Deeper Voice:''' [[spoiler:''I'm proud of you son.'']]\\
'''Normal Voice:''' [[spoiler:''Dad, are you space?'']]\\
'''Deeper Voice:''' [[spoiler:''Yes, now we are family again.'']]

-->'''[[spoiler: As you and [=GLaDOS=] fall down a pit after an insane, omnipotent Wheatley punches you in:]]'''\\
'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[spoiler:''Oh hi. How are you holding up?'' [[ItMakesSenseInContext Because I'm a potato.]]]]

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[spoiler:''No tricks. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity. I '''literally''' do not have the energy to lie to you.'']]

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' Crushing's too good for him. [[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing.]] [[CoolAndUnusualPunishment Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you.]] ''Then'' I'll kill him.

-->'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' [[spoiler:''You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson: I thought you were my greatest enemy, when all along you were my best friend. The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: Where Caroline lives in my brain.'']]\\
[[spoiler:'''[=Announcer=]:''' ''CAROLINE DELETED'']]\\
[[spoiler:'''[=GLaDOS=]:''' ''Goodbye, Caroline. You know, deleting Caroline just now [[IronicEcho taught me a valuable lesson]]: The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest. Killing you? Is hard. You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. [[HumiliationConga Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds.]] I had a pretty good life. And then you showed up. [[YouMonster You dangerous. mute. lunatic.]] So you know what? [[KnowWhenToFoldEm You win. Just go.]] (Soft laughter) It's been fun. Don't come back.'']]

----

Cave Johnson. We're done here. Chariots, chariots.

-->'''Announcer:''' ''Great work. Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.''

Cave Johnson. We're done here.

-->'''Wheatley:''' ''Holmes versus Moriarty... {{Aristotle}} versus.. MASHY-SPIKE-PLATE!''

--> [[AC: The cake is a lie]]