History Quotes / DeadpanSnarker

-->-- ''Comicbook/SupergirlRebirth'' #1

-->-- ''Series/TopGear''

-->--''Film/FortyEightHours''

-->--''Film/FortyEightHours''

-->--''Film/FortyEightHours''

->'''Lietenant Antoine:''' I am Antoine, Lieutenant of thid Beast-hunting brigade. And you, Sir, are without a doubt the storied beast! The size of an ox, with black horns and fangs as sharp as a wolf's. A monster terrible enough to send chills down the spine of a grown man... Prepare to face divine, ironclad justice!

'''Prince Naveen''': What a coincidence, Lawrence. I've been *avoiding* you everywhere!

'''ComicBook/{{Thor}}''': Is that why everything's on fire?

->'''[[ComicBook/IncredibleHulk Bruce Banner]]''': Captain America is on threat watch?\\

-->--''Film/{{Zodiac}}''

-->-- ''Manga/BeautyAndTheBeastOfLostParadise''

->'''Beast:'''Say, old man, how would you like if I judged YOU based on your looks? Or am I right to assume you're just a mustachioed, out-of-shape clerk playing soldier who can't actually fight a damn?
->'''Lieutenant Antoine:'''Why, you!! You stooped to insults, I see!
->'''Beast:'''You started it! Do these look like horns to you? They're my ears, asshole!
-->-- ''Manga/BeautyAndTheBeastOfLostParadise''#4

-->'''Lietenant Antoine:''' I am Antoine, Lieutenant of thid Beast-hunting brigade. And you, Sir, are without a doubt the storied beast! The size of an ox, with black horns and fangs as sharp as a wolf's. A monster terrible enough to send chills down the spine of a grown man... Prepare to face divine, ironclad justice!
-->'''Beast:'''Say, old man, how would you like if I judged YOU based on your looks? Or am I right to assume you're just a mustachioed, out-of-shape clerk playing soldier who can't actually fight a damn?
-->'''Lieutenant Antoine:'''Why, you!! You stooped to insults, I see!
-->'''Beast:'''You started it! Do these look like horns to you? They're my ears, asshole!

->''"ComicBook/LexLuthor's attempt to win the presidency the old-fashioned way... by buying it, seems to be picking up steam. New poles show that 22% of Americans now support his third party bid. In a completely unrelated story, 22% of Americans now indicate a preference for getting *beep* in the *beep* with a red hot poker!"''

->"Right. Should have, should have. That's a really useful phrase, isn't it, [[ComicBook/CarolDanvers Carol]]? Bound to be a million uses for it. I should have gone to college. I should have been a working wife. I should have this, I should have that. I should have won ten million dollars in the lottery. But you know what, Carol? I didn't."

->"However, the Royal Guard Regulations state in Rule Four Hundred and Nine, that 'in face of overwhelming stupidity, an officer is permitted to deploy sarcasm'(I appreciate the Princess' understanding of our position)."

->"Don't go away angry. Just...just go away."

->''Their little band of adventurers needed another smart-ass like they needed ten years of bad luck.''

->"Division of labor. I come up with the plans, and [[SnarkyNonHumanSidekick you]] laugh at them."

-->-- '''[[Literature/TheDresdenFiles Harry Dresden]]''', ''Literature/BloodRites''

->'''Quinn Calle''': Rest assured, I’m not hurt in the least, that you chose to thank him before you thanked me. I mean, I was only the man who stood by and [[KarmaHoudini helped you through the system]] after the ill-timed [[spoiler: murder of Alexandria and Director Tagg,]] right in front of me, but yes. The man who gives fashion advice is a higher priority.
-->-- ''Literature/{{Worm}}''

->"Haven't you heard of science's latest triumph? The doorbell."

-->-- '''Literature/{{Elcenia}}'''

->Frankly, Baldrick, if a hungry cannibal were to crack open your skull, I doubt there'd be [[YourBrainWontBeMuchOfAMeal enough brains in there to cover a small water biscuit]].

->"She's a sarcastronaut and she rides an ironicycle."

->I'm not sure if you're aware, Tom, but the mob isn't generally in the habit of electing ungodly apostates who denigrate people of faith.

->"That's what I'm here for. To deliver unpleasant news and witty one-liners."

-> [[AC: Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere - well, we ''are'' going somewhere; alarmingly fast, actually - but since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts.]]

->A totally respectable showing. I mean, BEFORE you messed up and ended up dead.

->Apparently pressing a couple of buttons is more difficult than I had previously thought.

-->-- '''WebOriginal/ProtectorsOfThePlotContinuum''', '''Twas Many and Many a Year Ago, in a Nondescript Random Town by the Sea''

->"Seems legit."
->"Cool story bro."

->'''Helen:''' [Frustrated Daria isn't shooting at her] Daria, you could at least ''try''.

-->-- ''ComicBook/KnightsOfTheOldRepublic''

->'''Lashowe:''' Do you know how many Sith there are on this planet?\\
'''Jolee Bindo:''' Twelve! No, wait! Thirteen!\\
'''Canderous Ordo:''' [[ActuallyPrettyFunny Nice one, old man]].\\
'''Jolee Bindo:''' Thank you. It takes effort to be properly irreverent at my age.
-->-- ''ComicBook/KnightsOfTheOldRepublic''

->'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Master Wayne, you've been gone a long time.\\
'''Bruce Wayne''': Yes I have.\\
'''Alfred''': You look very fashionable. Apart from the mud.
-->--''Film/BatmanBegins''

[[folder: Film - Live-Action]]

->'''Vesper Lynd:''' So, as charming as you are, Mr. Bond, I will be keeping my eye on our government's money and off of your perfectly formed arse.
->'''James Bond:''' You noticed.
-->--''Film/CasinoRoyale2006''

->''"You have never been a more endangered species than you are at this moment."''
-->-- '''Baloo''', ''Film/TheJungleBook2016''

->'''Sherman Schrader''': Yeah, cool guys. [[ASimplePlan Let's start this fake college]], and then we'll go start a meth lab somewhere. Come on, it's a gateway crime. That's how these things start.
-->-- ''Film/{{Accepted}}''

-> '''Jack Sparrow''' ''[having just proposed a plan that would put himself in danger]'' ''':''' What have you got to lose?
->'''James Norrington:''' Nothing I'd lament being rid of.
-->-- ''Film/PiratesOfTheCaribbeanTheCurseOfTheBlackPearl''

->"Don't go away angry. Just...just go away."
-->--'''Jones''', ''Film/HeartbreakRidge''

->'''Alec Trevelyan:''' James Bond. What an unpleasant surprise.
->'''James Bond:''' We aim to please.
-->-- ''Film/{{Goldeneye}}''

->'''James Norrington:''' You are, without doubt, the worst pirate I've ever heard of.
->'''Jack Sparrow:''' But you ''have'' heard of me.
-->-- ''Film/PiratesOfTheCaribbeanTheCurseOfTheBlackPearl''

->''"The defense department regrets to inform you that your sons are dead because they were stupid. Great balls of fire!"''
-->--'''Goose''', ''Film/TopGun''

->'''Dillon''': Never knew how much I missed this, Dutch.\\
'''Dutch''': You never were that smart.
-->--''Film/{{Predator}}''

->'''Miriam Bucknell''': I am not the only one who thought there was a ghost in this house, Kylie. I fact, you used to be so terrified you could not sleep.\\
'''Kylie Bucknell''': Yeah, I also used to think the Moon was made of cheese. It is called childhood.
-->--''Film/{{Housebound}}''

->''"Anyone who says there's no such thing as a bad egg obviously hasn't worked in social services."''
-->--'''Dennis''', ''Film/{{Housebound}}''

->'''Atticus Finch''': Good Afternoon Miss Dubose... My, you look like a picture this afternoon.\\
'''Scout''': *whispering* He don't say a picture of what.
-->--''Film/ToKillAMockingbird''

->'''Davidge''': Where would you be without me, huh?\\
'''Jerry''': Back home.
-->--''Film/EnemyMine''

->'''Brown Tom''': Goblins... shot me through me brain pan!\\
'''Screwball''': That's one place an arrow won't do no harm!
-->--''Film/Legend1985''

->'''Earl Bassett''': Damn it, listen to me. I'm older and wiser.\\
'''Valentine [=McKee=]''': Yeah, well you're half right.
-->--''Film/{{Tremors}}''

->'''Sheriff Buster [=McCain=]''': I figure that if I can't find Paul Sheldon, at least I'll find out what he wrote about.\\
'''Virginia [=McCain=]''': Well, what do you expect to find? A story about a guy who drove his car off a cliff in a snowstorm?\\
'''Buster''': You see, it's just that kind of sarcasm that's given our marriage real spice.
-->--''Film/{{Misery}}''

->'''Sheriff Buster [=McCain=]''': Virginia, when you're in this car, you're not my wife, you're my deputy.\\
'''Virginia [=McCain=]''': Well, this deputy would rather be home under the covers with the sheriff.
-->--''Film/{{Misery}}''

->'''Janis Ian''': What is that smell?\\
'''Cady Heron''': Oh, Regina gave me some perfume.\\
'''Janis''': You smell like a baby prostitute.
-->--''Film/MeanGirls''

->''"I just wanted to say that you're all winners. And that I couldn't be happier the school year is ending."''
-->--'''Mr. Duvall''', ''Film/MeanGirls''

->'''Reggie Hammond''': Jack... Tell me a story.\\
'''Jack Cates''': Fuck you!\\
'''Reggie''': Oh, that's one of my favorites!
-->--''Film/FortyEightHours''

->'''Reggie Hammond''': You got a lady, Cates?\\
'''Jack Cates''': Yeah.\\
'''Reggie''': You know, the generosity of women never ceases to amaze me.
-->--''Film/FortyEightHours''

->'''Elaine''': You know, if you let me come over to your place once in a while you could put on a clean shirt in the morning.\\
'''Jack Cates''': What makes you think I got any clean shirts in my place?
-->--''Film/FortyEightHours''

->''"Tell me the difference between stupid and illegal and I'll have my wife's brother arrested."''
-->--'''Jared Bennett''', ''Film/TheBigShort''

->'''Mitchell Garabedian''': I'm Armenian. How many Armenians do you know in Boston?\\
'''Mike Rezendes''': Steve Kurkjian, works at the Globe...\\
'''Garabedian''': Oh. That's two. You should get a prize or something.
-->--''Film/{{Spotlight}}''

->'''Jeff Kohlver''': Fuck off.\\
'''Hayley Stark''': Your conversational skills are really deteriorating as the day goes on.
-->--''Film/HardCandy''

->'''Lady Tanaka''': Do you know how much pain $10,000 can buy?\\
'''ComicBook/ThePunisher''': Is this question true or false, or multiple choice?
-->--''Film/ThePunisher1989''

->'''Deputy Foster''': What the hell's eating him?\\
'''Deputy Pullman''': I bet you it ain't his girlfriend.
-->--''Film/JackFrost1997''

->'''Driver #1''': That murdering bastard Jack Frost in there is one lucky son of a bitch.\\
'''Driver #2''': Lucky? He's being executed in thirty minutes!\\
'''Driver #1''': Yeah, but at least he doesn't have to drive back through this crap.\\
'''Driver #2''': Deep fried Jack served at midnight!
-->--''Film/JackFrost1997''

->'''Newsreel Announcer''': [[UsefulNotes/AdolfHitler Herr Hitler]] assures the western powers he is not massing troops at the Czech border. Here comes the Fuehrer's latest symbol of German progress, the airship Luxembourg, beginning its American tour to promote world peace.\\
'''Cliff Secord''': World peace? What he means is a piece of the world!
-->--''Film/TheRocketeer''

->'''Megan''': Your parents didn't stay very long.\\
'''Graham''': Well, I imagine it gets uncomfortable sitting that long with a stick up your ass.
-->--''Film/ButImACheerleader''

->'''Roger Murtaugh''': What the hell, thin's my middle name.\\
'''Martin Riggs''': Your wife's cooking, I'm not surprised.
-->--''Film/LethalWeapon1987''

->'''Jody''': What's out there?\\
'''Mike''': I don't know. It was little, brown and low to the ground.\\
'''Jody''': Ahh, it was probably just a gopher in heat.
-->--''Film/{{Phantasm}}''

->'''Chief of Police''': Fred, have you flipped out, or are you trying to give me an ulcer? A smart-ass coroner comes out with a little verbal diarrhea, and you immediately go around declaring there's a maniac loose in the city.\\
'''Lt. Fred Williams''': Yeah, so what do you want me to say? A boy scout's been widdling on girls with his knife?
-->--''Film/TheNewYorkRipper''

->'''The Priest''': Would they ever harm an innocent person for any reason?\\
'''Paul Smecker''': No, they would never do that. Well, the two Irish guys wouldn't. The Italian guy, he might. He's kind of an idiot.
-->--''Film/TheBoondockSaints''

->''"Now that Duffy has relinquished his 'King Bonehead' crown, I see we have an heir to the throne!"''
-->--'''Paul Smecker''', ''Film/TheBoondockSaints''

->'''Amos Hackshaw''': Do you realize how long they've waited for me? Centuries! Millennia!\\
'''Phil Lovecraft''': How long is that in dog years?
-->--''Film/CastADeadlySpell''

->'''Eloise''': If you got cold feet honey, I'll take over for you. That little red dress of yours fits me just perfect.\\
'''Kiki Walker''': Someday you'll try on my coffin and I hope it fits you just perfect.
-->--''Film/TheLeopardMan''

->''"It may sound like music to her. I can do better with my teeth in a cold shower."''
-->--'''Kiki Walker''', ''Film/TheLeopardMan''

->'''Doctor''': You're lucky, Black Dynamite. Three inches to the left and we wouldn't even be having this conversation.\\
'''Black Dynamite''': Three inches to the right, and it would've missed my black ass.
-->--''Film/BlackDynamite''

->'''Steve Freeling''': Tomorrow I'm going to call someone.\\
'''Diane Freeling''': Like who? I looked in the Yellow Pages. "Furniture Movers" we've got; "Strange Phenomenon", there's no listing.
-->--''Film/Poltergeist1982''

->'''Dr. Herman Gottlieb''': This is all wrong! There should be three kaijus coming through, not two!\\
'''Dr. Newton Geiszler''': There should be three and there's two? I'm sorry, it hurts to be wrong, don't it, Hermann?
-->--''Film/PacificRim''

->'''Miss Stucco''': Your rights stop where Jesus says they do, and Jesus didn't like nudity.\\
'''Mrs. Druple''': Well, Jesus must love hemorrhoids because he sure got a lot of assholes behind him.
-->--''Film/NudistColonyOfTheDead''

->'''Ernie''': Gee, we don't get any smokes from you. We don't get any cash. What am I supposed to do with my afternoon?\\
'''Max''': Maybe you could learn to breathe through your nose.
-->--''Film/HocusPocus''

->''"Ingenious, Felton; only you could keep such a good brain under such a bad hat."''
-->--'''King Einon''', ''Film/{{Dragonheart}}''

->'''Einon''': The peasants are revolting!\\
'''Brok''': They've always been revolting, Prince. But *now*, they're rebelling.
-->--''Film/{{Dragonheart}}''

->'''Dan Cain''': You can call, or write a note!\\
'''Herbert West''': I was busy pushing bodies around as you well know and what would a note say, Dan? "Cat dead, details later"?
-->--''Film/ReAnimator''

->''"Who's going to believe a talking head? Get a job in a sideshow."''
-->--'''Herbert West''', ''Film/ReAnimator''

->'''Malica''': Give me a break. Do you all actually believe in trolls?\\
'''Hans''': You think a squirrel rampaged through here?
-->--''Film/TheTrollHunter''

->'''[=McCoy=]''': Hey, look, I did real good back there!\\
'''Tom Cody''': So what? I'm all outta medals! Besides, you're gettin' paid.
-->--''Film/StreetsOfFire''

->'''Robert Graysmith''': So who is this guy?\\
'''Paul Avery''': He wants to remain anonymous, I wish to remain infamous... so we'll get along great.
-->--''Film/{{Zodiac}}''

->'''John Myers''': Did you ever lose track of him?\\
'''ComicBook/{{Hellboy}}''': Well let's see - there was that moment, when I had the train on top of my head...
-->--''Film/Hellboy2004''

->'''Abe Sapien''': You've been burned by some kind of organic acid.\\
'''ComicBook/{{Hellboy}}''': I'm lucky that way.
-->--''Film/Hellboy2004''

->'''John Myers''': Hey, no one goes with him? Jesus.\\
'''Abe Sapien''': No, he likes it that way. The whole "lonely hero" thing.
-->--''Film/Hellboy2004''

->''"Hey, stinky! Kitchen 's closed! Whatcha havin'? Six library guards raw, plus belts and boots? Man... you're gonna need some heavy fiber to move that out."''
-->--'''ComicBook/{{Hellboy}}''' to '''Sammael''', ''Film/Hellboy2004''

->'''Duke Henry''': I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.\\
'''Ash Williams''': Well, hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things, right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town.
-->--''Film/ArmyOfDarkness''

->'''Nancy''': I'm not just a dumb blonde, you know.\\
'''Annie''': Who says you're a blonde?
-->--''Film/BloodyPitOfHorror''

->'''Judge Elihu Smails''': You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.\\
'''Ty Webb''': Don't sell yourself short, Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
-->--''Film/{{Caddyshack}}''

->'''Phil Blumburtt''': Did you find the toolbox?\\
'''ComicBook/HowardTheDuck''': Yeah, I know why you want a toolbox - you got a screw loose.
-->--''Film/HowardTheDuck''

->'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Master Wayne, you've been gone a long time.\\
'''Bruce Wayne''': Yes I have.\\
'''Alfred''': You look very fashionable. Apart from the mud.
-->--''Film/BatmanBegins''

->'''Bruce Wayne''': You look tired, Alfred. You'll be all right without me?\\
'''Alfred Pennyworth''': You can tell me the Russian for "Apply your own bloody suntan lotion."
-->--''Film/TheDarkKnight''

->'''Mistress''': Can't we go someplace quieter? We can't hear each other talk.\\
'''Sal Maroni''': What makes you think I want to hear you talk?
-->--''Film/TheDarkKnight''

->'''Sgt. Schenley''': Well, they have one thing in common.\\
'''Inspector Trout''': If you say they all died mysteriously, I'll bloody kill you.
-->--''Film/TheAbominableDrPhibes''

->'''Vincent''': "Patience is the chief virtue for those who have faith." Mahatma Gandhi, New Delhi, 1946.\\
'''Lt. Mike London''': "Up your ass." Lieutenant Mike London, Shit Creek, the year is now.
-->--''Film/HellOfTheLivingDead''

->'''Judge Dredd''': I'm wondering when you'd remember you left your helmet behind.\\
'''Cassandra Anderson''': Sir, a helmet can interfere with my psychic abilities.\\
'''Dredd''': Think a bullet might interfere with them more.
-->--''Film/{{Dredd}}''

->'''Nero the Hero''': You're blocking me, Cleopatra! My fans want to see me!\\
'''Cleopatra''': Why, they've never seen a has-been before?
-->--''Film/DeathRace2000''

->'''Goat''': Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the Devil walketh about seeking whom he may devour.\\
'''Dean Portman''': That's real comforting Goat, that ain't freaking me out at all.
-->--''Film/{{Doom}}''

->'''Buffy Summers''': I have something that the other girls didn't have.\\
'''Merrick Jamison-Smythe''': And what might that be, pray?\\
'''Buffy''': My keen fashion sense!\\
'''Merrick''': Oh, vampires of the world beware.
-->--''Film/BuffyTheVampireSlayer''

->''"It's heartening to see so many strange, new faces here today. I know my mom would be very touched, and probably a little suspicious."''
-->--'''Annie''', ''Film/{{Hereditary}}''