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Quotes / Deadpan Snarker

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     Comic Books 
Lashowe: Do you know how many Sith there are on this planet?
Jolee Bindo: Twelve! No, wait! Thirteen!
Canderous Ordo: Nice one, old man.
Jolee Bindo: Thank you. It takes effort to be properly irreverent at my age.

Lieutenant Peters: You wanna play cop, join the department and get yourself a badge! Until then, stay out of my way!
Supergirl: You need a hint as to what you can do with your badge, Peters?

Supergirl: Eliza, Jeremiah — Do you need help?
Eliza: Not at all! I live to work hours cleaning twenty square feet.
Supergirl: Sarcasm is not unique to Earth, you know.
Eliza: Good. You already speak my language. This adjustment process will be easy.

     Fan Works 
Carol: So what have you been doing besides studying, Scott?
Scott Summers: Well, on my off time, I've saved the world a couple of times from evil mutants. I joined a cult and then overthrew its leader because he was badly mistreating his people. That, of course, is after the head of the cult tried to sacrifice me to a demon. After I overthrew the old leader, the members of the cult voted me their leader. I made everyone get jobs and outlawed human sacrifice. I helped them fix up their boarding house and open a soup kitchen for the homeless in its basement. I also organized a band for them, and they're playing at the children's hospital cancer ward benefit next month. Other than that, not much; it's been a slow month.
Carol: (to Xavier) He's learning to express a sense of humor.
Xavier: Yes, Scott is learning to express a sense of humor; a very dry one.
Scott: (looking innocently) That's me, sir, life of the party.
Carol: All I have to do is teach you how to smile now.
Scott: Putting a smile on my face is like putting pastel colors on Wednesday Adams. Some things should just never be done.

Meg: [nervously] What are you going to do if I tell you?
Erik: Steal her away from the pretty boy kicking and screaming, and drag her down to my underground lair to make her my eternal bride. [beat] I am being sarcastic, of course.

Sif: You would call your brother a simpering Lady?
Loki: [dryly] The Lady Thor's womanly charm is unmatched by all but our mother.
Trials of the Trickster King, Chapter Five (No, it is not a Gender Flip fic)

"Right. Should have, should have. That's a really useful phrase, isn't it, Carol? Bound to be a million uses for it. I should have gone to college. I should have been a working wife. I should have this, I should have that. I should have won ten million dollars in the lottery. But you know what, Carol? I didn't."
Marie Danvers, A Prize For Three Empires

Dan Turpin: Then call him and tell him to get his big blue bod to my precinct, on the double. Orion and his boys are back. And I don't want any more of my turf torn up like it was last time they were here. So get him here, so they can get out. Got it?
Jimmy Olsen: Uh. Orion? The guy from the New Gods?
Dan Turpin: No, I mean Paddy O'Ryan from County Cork. Of course, it's Orion from the New Gods! Now do it! Goodbye.

"However, the Royal Guard Regulations state in Rule Four Hundred and Nine, that 'in face of overwhelming stupidity, an officer is permitted to deploy sarcasm'(I appreciate the Princess' understanding of our position)."
Shining Armor, Pony POV Series

Kara: Something wrong, Mr. Giles?
Giles: I was just reflecting on some truly horrible movies that I used to watch as a child. Mostly, we saw them on TV... we had "Creature Features" in Britain, too. They must’ve been made in the Fifties and early Sixties. Monsters or aliens would land in a small town, a bunch of teenagers would be the only ones who knew about it, and they’d be forced to defeat the monster. Then they’d go back and hit the malt shop afterwards. When I got out of my youth, I thought those were the stupidest movies I’d ever seen. And now, God help me, it seems they’re a preparatory text for my life.

     Film - Animated 
"Wow. Washed up at fourteen. So sad."
Tadashi Hamada, Big Hero 6

Devon: We're trapped! Trapped!
Cornwall: Stuck here with you for five hundred years.
Devon: Oh, dear, it's learned to count.
Cornwall: If you'd got me a good lawyer, I'd have split four hundred years ago.
Devon: Now listen here, pal, I didn't come here to be insulted.
Cornwall: Oh. Where d'ya usually go?

     Film - Live-Action 
Young Girl: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby, too.
Wednesday: They had sex.

Vesper Lynd: So, as charming as you are, Mr. Bond, I will be keeping my eye on our government's money and off of your perfectly formed arse.
James Bond: You noticed.

"You have never been a more endangered species than you are right now."

Sherman Schrader: Yeah, cool guys. Let's start this fake college, and then we'll go start a meth lab somewhere. Come on, it's a gateway crime. That's how these things start.

Jack Sparrow [having just proposed a plan that would put himself in danger] : What have you got to lose?
James Norrington: Nothing I'd lament being rid of.

"Don't go away angry. Just...just go away."

Margo Channing: What are you doing here, Addison? I distinctly remember crossing you off my guest list.
Addison De Witt: Dear Margo, you were an unforgettable Peter Pan, you must play it again soon. You remember Miss Gene Caswell?
Margo: I do not, how do you do?

Alec Trevelyan: James Bond. What an unpleasant surprise.
James Bond: We aim to please.

James Norrington: You are, without doubt, the worst pirate I've ever heard of.
Jack Sparrow: But you have heard of me.

"The defense department regrets to inform you that your sons are dead because they were stupid. Great balls of fire!"
Goose, Top Gun

Their little band of adventurers needed another smart-ass like they needed ten years of bad luck.

Sam Vimes [while dressed in nothing but his underwear in the middle of a forest, with his friend suggesting he put some clothes on before the girl who helped rescue him comes back] : I'll give you five minutes to find a clothes shop, shall I?

"Division of labor. I come up with the plans, and you laugh at them."
Vlad Taltos, Iorich

Actor: Are you always a wise-ass?
Harry: No, sometimes I'm asleep.

Quinn Calle: Rest assured, I’m not hurt in the least, that you chose to thank him before you thanked me. I mean, I was only the man who stood by and helped you through the system after the ill-timed murder of Alexandria and Director Tagg, right in front of me, but yes. The man who gives fashion advice is a higher priority.

"Haven't you heard of science's latest triumph? The doorbell."
Waldo Lydecker, Laura

Harry: So what is an Unbreakable Vow?
Ron: Well, you can't break an Unbreakable Vow.
Harry: I figured that out for myself, funnily enough.

"Some time ago, in the cathedral of Cologne, I saw the skull of John the Baptist at the age of twelve."
"Really?" I exclaimed, amazed. Then, seized by doubt, I added, "But the Baptist was executed at a more advanced age!"
"The other skull must be in another treasury," William said, with a grave face. I never understood when he was jesting. In my country, when you joke you say something and then you laugh very noisily, so that everyone shares the joke. But William laughed only when he said serious things, and remained very serious when he was presumably joking.

Rear Admiral Alexander Koenig: I don't believe in "galactic empires". [snorts] The whole idea is silly, given the size of the galaxy.
Captain Randolph Buchanan: Well, the Sh'daar appear to believe in the concept, Admiral. And I doubt very much that it matters whether they agree with you on the point or not.
Star Carrier: Earth Strike

Keith: Er... how will we know it's the entrance to a secret passage? What does a secret passage entrance look like?
Malicia: It won't look like one, of course!
Maurice: Oh, well, in that case I see dozens of secret passages. Doors, windows, that calendar from the Acme Poison Company, that cupboard over there, that rathole, that desk, that-
Malicia: You're just being sarcastic.
Maurice: Actually, I was just being flippant, but I can do sarcastic if you like.

Jake: <You okay?>
Marco: <Oh, yeah, I'm great. I fell about a billion feet and landed on a steel trampoline. Couldn't be better.>
Rachel: <Sarcasm. He must be okay.>
Animorphs #10: The Android

"Did you eat a rulebook?" Finnah asks archly.
"They're delicious as a chiffonade with lemon juice," Amaia says. And she says this exactly the same way she says everything else, not even slightly giggling at her own joke, so it takes Finnah a tick to laugh.

     Live-Action TV 
Joey: My character is coming out of his coma! [...] And not only that, I'm getting a new brain!
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
Friends, "The One with Joey's New Brain"

The Doctor: (picks up Hydroflax's disembodied head) We have to assume the body is homing in on this.
River: So how do we stop it?
The Doctor: Well, we could chop his head off. (holds up head) Oh, look!
River: Does sarcasm help?
The Doctor: Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?
Doctor Who, "The Husbands of River Song"

Clarkson: [standing in front of the Mercedes' boot] Are you ready for this?
[Clarkson pushes a button and the boot lid closes]
May: That's brilliant, actually, I have to concede that, because what I've always found really difficult is this. [closes the boot lid by hand]

Frasier: When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought?
Niles: I'm having one now.

Cylon Pilot: Sir, if I may.
Baltar: Not now. I don't want to miss a moment of the last battlestar's destruction.
Cylon Pilot: I really think you should take a look at the other battlestar.

Charlie: I don't pay you to insult me!
Berta: You'd have to pay me not to.

Frankly, Baldrick, if a hungry cannibal were to crack open your skull, I doubt there'd be enough brains in there to cover a small water biscuit.
Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder

Woman: There are two things you must know about the wise woman. One... she is a woman. And two... she is...
Blackadder: Wise?
Woman: You do know her, then?
Blackadder: No, no, just a wild stab in the dark. Which, is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful.

"Do you have any idea how long someone as sarcastic as I am would last in prison? Such a long time."
Jeff Winger, Community

Peter Hastings: Please don't be sarcastic, Spencer.
Spencer Hastings: That's, like, the mother tongue in this house.

"She's a sarcastronaut and she rides an ironicycle."
JP, Fresh Meat

"I provide ... much needed sarcasm."
Anya Jenkins, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I'm not sure if you're aware, Tom, but the mob isn't generally in the habit of electing ungodly apostates who denigrate people of faith.
Gaius Baltar, Battlestar Galactica (2003)

Regina: (holds up rotten apples) My tree is dying. Why?
Gold: Perhaps it's your fertilizer.
Once Upon a Time, "An Apple Red as Blood"

     Newspaper Comics 
Dilbert: On this graph, I have plotted the frequency of snide comments that you have made about me. I'm happy to report that the recent trend is downward. See the big dip?
Dogbert: Get out your pencil...

     Video Games 
"That's what I'm here for. To deliver unpleasant news and witty one-liners."
Alistair, Dragon Age: Origins

Sten: Interesting strategy. Tell me, do you intend to keep going north until it becomes south and attack the Archdemon from the rear?
Warden: It'll never see this coming.
Sten: Truly, it would surprise me if my enemy counter-attacked by running away and climbing a mountain.

Morrigan: I do not fear the moon so I need stories so that I may sleep at night.
Leliana: don't believe in any higher power at all? Doesn't that get lonely?
Morrigan: Wow. You saw through my cold exterior and saw the bleating lamb just begging for love and guidance! Thank you!
Leliana: appear to be mocking me.
Morrigan: You noticed!? Your powers of perception know no bounds!

The Red Prince: (after spotting a large pool of water) I fancy a swim.
Sebille: You need a bath

Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere - well, we are going somewhere; alarmingly fast, actually - but since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts.
GLaDOS while freefalling down a Bottomless Pit, Portal 2

A totally respectable showing. I mean, BEFORE you messed up and ended up dead.
The Killer, The Jackbox Party Pack

Apparently pressing a couple of buttons is more difficult than I had previously thought.
M.O.T.H.E.R, The Jackbox Party Pack

Walton Simons: You take another step forward, and here I am again, like your own reflection repeated in a hall of mirrors.
JC Denton: That makes me one ugly son of a bitch. How'd my face get all marked-up with bioelectrics?

     Web Original 
Suicide: It's just getting interesting, albeit in a car-wreck-reminiscent way, and you chicken out of the Duty? What does that make you?
Ithalond: Isildur?
Protectors of the Plot Continuum, 'Twas Many and Many a Year Ago, in a Nondescript Random Town by the Sea

"Seems legit."
"Cool story bro."

     Western Animation 
Comic Book Guy: Oh, yeah, everyone's real happy now.
Lindsey Naegle: Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?
Professor Frink: Are you kidding, this baby is off the chart!
Comic Book Guy: Ooh, a sarcasm detector! That's a real useful invention!
[sarcasm detector explodes]

Archer: Nice read, Velma.

Teacher: You got one write-in vote for "Most Sarcastic"!
Helen: [Frustrated Daria isn't shooting at her] Daria, you could at least try.
Daria: I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint, anyway.
Daria, "The Daria Hunter" - the Paintball Episode.

Toph: Oh, Sokka, you saved me! (Cheek kiss)
Toph: (Embarrassed) Oh... well... You can go ahead and let me drown now.


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