History Quotes / ArtificialStupidity

->Actually, [[TheMillstone working alone might be for the best. The AI is so thick]] [[UpToEleven it might as well be living in a cave]]. On one occasion I called down a platoon of soldiers from a friendly faction to help me take over an enemy base. ''Every single one of them'' stepped right off the edge of the helipad, fell ''six feet'' and died. Unhelpful, but fucking funny. Less amusing was an instance later on: I was sent to destroy some anti-air cannons in order to land a chopper on a rooftop and rescue a hostage who was up there. "Bollocks to that", I thought. "I'll nick an enemy chopper that the turrets won't shoot at and tear up out of there before they know what the fuck". Sadly they saw through my disguise around stage 3 of my master plan and shot me down... So I tried the mission again, but [the hostage] seemed to remember me now, so when I came near the building, [[TooDumbToLive he eagerly walked straight off the roof to join me]]. [[GameBreakingBug Hostage dead, mission failed, support character gets sarcastic]], ''broken game gets to fuck off!''

->If there were a bad video games version of WesternAnimation/CaptainPlanet, then Left Alive would be chosen to wield the power ring of bad AI.... I chucked a molotov and the enemy screamed and ran out of the fire, [[TooDumbToLive then ran straight back into it to double-check that it was the thing making his eyeballs melt]]. Another time I was pinned down in an alley with no means of escape and the 17 guards that were pinning me down just stopped firing and wandered off, presumably because they hit the union-mandated thirty second alertness cap. At other times, after popping out I couldn't tell if an enemy soldier was still un-alerted or if he'd had a little Alzheimers brain fart and forgotten how to move or shoot.

->Now, remember before how protecting Anna was very annoying? Now imagine if Anna had utterly terrible stats and there were three of her, and they were all unarmed. That's basically this mission. Not only that, there's a whole bunch of Pegasus Knights[[note]]{{Glass Cannon}}s with large movement ranges due to airborne mounts[[/note]] over here, and [[TooDumbToLive these three villagers are gonna run straight at them]]. Meet Derp, Herpderp, and Tiddlytud, the Three Villager Stooges. [...] We're going to be very, very acquainted with their stupidity very, very soon. And the perfectionist that I am, guess what? I'm gonna want to save all three of them. [[ThisIsGonnaSuck This is not going to end well.]]

->"That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they really hate is lazy programmers."

->He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived.

-->--'''Dr. Phil Sandifer''' [[http://projectnes.blogspot.com/2010/02/hard-man-alien-3-and-all-pro-basketball.html on]] ''{{Film/Alien3}}'' (UsefulNotes/{{NES}})

-->-- ''Oath of Fealty'' by Creator/Larry Niven & Creator/JerryPournelle

-->--'''Creator/LarryNiven''' & '''[[Literature/CoDominium Jerry Pournelle]]''', "Oath of Fealty"

-->--'''Dr. Phil Sandifer''' [[http://projectnes.blogspot.com/2010/02/hard-man-alien-3-and-all-pro-basketball.html on]] ''{{Film/Alien3}}'' ({{NES}})

-->-- '''Music/WeirdAlYankovic''', "Couch Potato"

-->-- Creator/LarryNiven & [[Literature/CoDominium Jerry Pournelle]], "Oath of Fealty"

--> -- ''[[VideoGame/{{X}} Farnham's Legend]]''

-->-- '''[[VideoGame/HalfLife1 Gordon Freeman]]''', ''Machinima/FreemansMind'', on the HECU soldiers.

-->-- '''{{Creator/Seanbaby}}''', "[[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-critics-love-about-gta-v-that-actually-suck/#ixzz2mTqREOFX 5 Things Critics Love About GTAV (That Actually Suck)]]"

->Okay people, listen up! Here's the battle plan: Jester, die stupidly by rushing the enemy base alone and unarmed. Bishop, head for the sniper's nest where you'll make no meaningful contribution whatsoever. Kai. Othello. You guys grab the tank and get it stuck between some trees. Player1, I want you to quit the game and go make some damn friends so you don't have to play with these bots all the time.

->''"[[ThoseWackyNazis Enemies]] will [[AttentionDeficitOohShiny stand with their backs to you in a firefight]], they'll occasionally [[UnfriendlyFire shoot at their friends]] , and most just [[LeeroyJenkins run straight into your gunfire]]. [[DeadpanSnarker This explains why Germany lost]] [[UsefulNotes/WorldWarII the war]]."''
-->-- '''Hilary Goldstein''', ''IGN'', [[http://www.ign.com/articles/2007/06/29/hour-of-victory-review review of]] ''Hour of Victory''

-->-- '''[[WebVideo/TheSpoonyExperiment Noah Antwiler]]''' on ''Film/DemolitionMan'', the game

-->-- '''WebVideo/TheAngryVideoGameNerd''', "Schwarzenegger Games"

-->--Tallest Purple, introducing [[CloudCuckoolander GIR]], ''WesternAnimation/InvaderZim''

->You're like a bunch of {{Lemmings}} with machine guns!

->(Aussie accent) And look there, on the radar: A naturally ocurring flock of henchmen! Henchmen have a natural tendency to gather in large groups to hunt and mate, but alas, as a species, were born without any form of primitive survival instincts.

->''"Enemies will stand with their backs to you in a firefight, they'll occasionally shoot at their friends, and most just run straight into your gunfire. This explains why Germany lost the war."''

-->--''Mokuba, YuGiOh''

[[Web Video]]

[[foldercontrol]]

[[folder:fiction]]

Wish I hadn't 'cause [=TiVo=] now thinks I'm gay"''

->He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived.
-->--''VideoGame/{{Portal 2}}'', [=GLaDOS=]

->Look at this. I've never had any military training, so I don't know the correct procedure for these things, but if I saw my buddy run around a corner and get shot, then I saw my next buddy run around the same corner and get shot, I don't think I'd run around that same corner.
-->-- '''[[VideoGame/HalfLife1 Gordon Freeman]]''', ''Machinima/FreemansMind'', after killing a squad of soldiers this way.

->It's not stupid, it's advanced!
-->--Tallest Purple, introducing [[CloudCuckoolander GIR]], ''WesternAnimation/InvaderZim''

->"What a digital dummy."
-->--''Mokuba, YuGiOh''
[[/folder]]

[[folder:reviews]]
->(Aussie accent) And look there, on the radar: A naturally ocurring flock of henchmen! Henchmen have a natural tendency to gather in large groups to hunt and mate, but alas, as a species, were born without any form of primitive survival instincts. Oh dear god, they're dying by the hundreds! Oh, the humanity!
-->-- '''[[WebVideo/TheSpoonyExperiment Noah Antwiler]]''' on ''Film/DemolitionMan'', the game

->This game sucks so bad, the enemy soldiers [[LemmingCops commit suicide]].
-->-- '''WebVideo/TheAngryVideoGameNerd''', "Schwarzenegger Games"

->''VideoGame/TheSims'' games are about watching fictional human beings watch TV and occasionally reminding them to go to the bathroom. It's [[IncrediblyLameFun sold over 175 million copies]]... What happens is something akin to madness. You spend half your time pursuing your own life goals and half the time trying to prevent Sims from [[TooDumbToLive accidentally killing themselves.]] They constantly get in arguments and break their meager possessions. They will often be naked for seemingly no reason beyond comfort when pissing themselves. Sometimes they'll starve to death, even though food is readily available. Dirty laundry and dishes infest the home like so many cockroaches. There is much screaming and flailing. Below you'll see a Sim on fire while a dozen others panic and crowd around him, preventing a rescue attempt... One hero tries to save his friend's life by [[WorstAid attempting to initiate sex]]. This unorthodox approach to firefighting fails, and the Sim dies.
-->--'''''{{Website/Cracked}}''''', [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-video-games-invented-inside-other-video-games/ "6 Video Games Invented Inside of Other Video Games"]]

->The Aliens, which in the movies are horrible lurking terrors, are here the very definition of stupid, running back and forth over the same track of land with nothing resembling a predatory instinct... If these things invade Earth, [[EasilyThwartedAlienInvasion we are all going to be FINE.]] Trust me.

->''(waiting for guard to enter line of fire)''\\
'''[[Creator/BenCroshaw Yahtzee:]]''' Huh. I think we've found, uh, Conrad's [[DamnedByFaintPraise intellectual]] [[TooDumbToFool match.]] Am I interrupting makeout time? ... C'mon, I've [[ChargedAttack charged the shot]]. Go on, [[LemmingCops investigate your friend]].\\
'''Gabriel:''' "Ah, [[ItsProbablyNothing it was probably nothing]]."
-->--LetsPlay of ''{{VideoGame/Flashback}}'' (2012}

->One time I was low on health - but not too low - and was about to use a small herb to keep myself going when I saw my partner coming towards me brandishing '''[[TooAwesomeToUse a valuable large herb]]''', and when ''[[TheMillstone you're running away from your support character with more desperate terror than you feel for any of the actual monsters]]'', something has definitely gone wrong somewhere. My advice is to get someone to play co-op with you any way you can. If you live alone, kidnap a hobo or train your dog extremely well, ''anything.''
-->--'''''WebAnimation/ZeroPunctuation''''', ''VideoGame/ResidentEvil5''

->Okay people, listen up! Here's the battle plan: Jester, die stupidly by rushing the enemy base alone and unarmed. Bishop, head for the sniper's nest where you'll make no meaningful contribution whatsoever. Kai. Othello. You guys grab the tank and get it stuck between some trees. Player1, I want you to quit the game and go make some damn friends so you don't have to play with these bots all the time. What the hell is wrong with you, anyway?

->Seriously though, Franchise/FireEmblem AI does ''have'' priorities, but sometimes it just completely fails to grasp the magnitude of certain factors with respect to risk. Like this guy - he was all "Oh! [[TacticalRockPaperScissors She's an axe user... and I'm a sword user]]! STRATEGY!", and completely missed the fact that all her stats are double his. [[TooDumbToLive He does not survive]].
-->{{Lets Play}}er Fedule [[http://lparchive.org/Fire-Emblem-Path-of-Radiance/Update%2003/]]

->This is not so much a puzzle as [[EscortMission [the NPC you're supposed to guide]]] being a friggin' moron. Like, [[InformedAttribute you're a professor of]] ''what'', exactly?
-->--'''LetsPlay/{{raocow}}''', [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGUmtlBGWpg&t=4m33s VVVVVV - 6 - ------]][[note]]In this case, however, the challenge was actually [[ExploitedTrope based around the AI's stupidity.]][[/note]]

->I’m by no means an expert, but I have some experience with robotics. My first job out of college was working on robots at NASA, and my undergraduate degree project was on robotic navigation. I spent my teenage years participating in [[http://www.usfirst.org/ FIRST Robotics]], programming software bots to fight in [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RoboWar virtual tournaments]], and working on homemade underwater [=ROVs=]. And I've watched plenty of ''Series/RobotWars'', ''Series/BattleBots'', and ''Killer Robots Robogames''.\\
If all that experience has taught me anything, it’s that [[RobotWar the robot revolution]] [[SubvertedTrope would end quickly]], because the robots would all break down or get stuck against walls. Robots never, ever work right.

[[/folder]]

->The Aliens, which in the movies are horrible lurking terrors, are here the very definition of stupid, running back and forth over the same track of land with nothing resembling a predatory instinct.. If these things invade Earth, [[EasilyThwartedAlienInvasion we are all going to be FINE.]] Trust me.

'''[[Creator/BenCroshaw Yahtzee:]]''' Huh. I think we've found, uh, Conrad's [[DamnedByFaintPraise intellectual]] [[TooDumbToFool match.]] Am I interrupting makeout time? ...C'mon, I've [[ChargedAttack charged the shot]]. Go on, [[LemmingCops investigate your friend]].\\

->''VideoGame/TheSims'' games are about watching fictional human beings watch TV and occasionally reminding them to go to the bathroom. It's [[IncrediblyLameFun sold over 175 million copies]]...What happens is something akin to madness. You spend half your time pursuing your own life goals and half the time trying to prevent Sims from [[TooDumbToLive accidentally killing themselves.]] They constantly get in arguments and break their meager possessions. They will often be naked for seemingly no reason beyond comfort when pissing themselves. Sometimes they'll starve to death, even though food is readily available. Dirty laundry and dishes infest the home like so many cockroaches. There is much screaming and flailing. Below you'll see a Sim on fire while a dozen others panic and crowd around him, preventing a rescue attempt ... One hero tries to save his friend's life by [[WorstAid attempting to initiate sex]]. This unorthodox approach to firefighting fails, and the Sim dies.

-->-- '''[VideoGame/[HalfLife1 Gordon Freeman]]''', ''Machinima/FreemansMind'', after killing a squad of soldiers this way.

->''"Never missed ''MelrosePlace'' or ''Series/LostInSpace''\\
I've seen each ''AmazingRace'' and ''WithoutATrace''\\
But I only watched ''WillAndGrace'' one time one day\\

->"What a digital dummy."
-->--''Mokuba, YuGiOh''

->It's not stupid, it's advanced!
-->--Tallest Purple, introducing [[CloudCuckoolander GIR]], ''WesternAnimation/InvaderZim''

-->-- '''[[WebVideo/TheSpoonyExperiment Noah Antwiler]]''' on ''Film/Demolition Man'', the game

-->-- '''[[HalfLife Gordon Freeman]]''', ''FreemansMind'', on the HECU soldiers.

-->-- '''[[HalfLife Gordon Freeman]]''', ''FreemansMind'', after killing a squad of soldiers this way.