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Quotes / Artificial Stupidity

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Anime and Manga

"What a digital dummy."
Mokuba, Yu-Gi-Oh!


"Never missed Melrose Place or Lost in Space
I've seen each
Amazing Race and Without a Trace
But I only watched
Will & Grace one time one day
(Wish I hadn't 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay)"
"Weird Al" Yankovic, "Couch Potato"


When the 'Drink' button is pressed it makes an instant but highly detailed examination of the subject's taste buds, a spectroscopic analysis of the subject's metabolism, and then sends tiny experimental signals down the neural pathways to the taste centres of the subject's brain to see what is likely to be well received. However, no-one knows quite why it does this because it then invariably delivers a cupful of liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.

"That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they really hate is lazy programmers."
Oath of Fealty by Larry Niven & Jerry Pournelle

Live-Action TV

The problem with computers is that they're very sophisticated idiots.

Video Games

He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived.
Portal 2, GLaDOS

Yayandas: We are about to calibrate the newly installed, super-responsive inertial damper. You will never again feel the slightest shake, and never once be torn from your sleep, even if you are rammed head-on by a Xenon.
Nopileos: Rrrr... do they do that?
Yayandas: So one hears...

Web Animation

Actually, working alone might be for the best. The AI is so thick it might as well be living in a cave. On one occasion I called down a platoon of soldiers from a friendly faction to help me take over an enemy base. Every single one of them stepped right off the edge of the helipad, fell six feet and died. Unhelpful, but fucking funny. Less amusing was an instance later on: I was sent to destroy some anti-air cannons in order to land a chopper on a rooftop and rescue a hostage who was up there. "Bollocks to that", I thought. "I'll nick an enemy chopper that the turrets won't shoot at and tear up out of there before they know what the fuck". Sadly they saw through my disguise around stage 3 of my master plan and shot me down... So I tried the mission again, but [the hostage] seemed to remember me now, so when I came near the building, he eagerly walked straight off the roof to join me. Hostage dead, mission failed, support character gets sarcastic, broken game gets to fuck off!

One time I was low on health - but not too low - and was about to use a small herb to keep myself going when I saw my partner coming towards me brandishing a valuable large herb, and when you're running away from your support character with more desperate terror than you feel for any of the actual monsters, something has definitely gone wrong somewhere. My advice is to get someone to play co-op with you any way you can. If you live alone, kidnap a hobo or train your dog extremely well, anything.

If there were a bad video games version of Captain Planet, then Left Alive would be chosen to wield the power ring of bad AI.... I chucked a molotov and the enemy screamed and ran out of the fire, then ran straight back into it to double-check that it was the thing making his eyeballs melt. Another time I was pinned down in an alley with no means of escape and the 17 guards that were pinning me down just stopped firing and wandered off, presumably because they hit the union-mandated thirty second alertness cap. At other times, after popping out I couldn't tell if an enemy soldier was still un-alerted or if he'd had a little Alzheimers brain fart and forgotten how to move or shoot.

You're like a bunch of Lemmings with machine guns!
Gordon Freeman, Freeman's Mind, on the HECU soldiers.

Web Original

Below you'll see a Sim on fire while a dozen others panic and crowd around him, preventing a rescue attempt... One hero tries to save his friend's life by attempting to initiate sex. This unorthodox approach to firefighting fails, and the Sim dies.

If your destination is too far away and you'd rather play the game instead of driving across it, exit out of the map and open your smart phone. Slowly scroll down your contact list since quickly isn't an option. Press A to call a taxi. Let it ring until a dispatcher picks up. If you are not playing the black character, a taxi will arrive 15 to 30 seconds later. It will be approximately one block from you, so look for it in the center of an exploding traffic jam it caused. It may start confusedly fleeing the crime scene, so tap the sprint button before it gets away. If you're not hit by emergency vehicles, you may be able to catch it!

The Aliens, which in the movies are horrible lurking terrors, are here the very definition of stupid, running back and forth over the same track of land... If these things invade Earth, we are all going to be FINE. Trust me.
Dr. El Sandifer on Alien3 (NES)

Okay people, listen up! Here's the battle plan: Jester, die stupidly by rushing the enemy base alone and unarmed. Bishop, head for the sniper's nest where you'll make no meaningful contribution whatsoever. Kai. Othello. You guys grab the tank and get it stuck between some trees. Player1, I want you to quit the game and go make some damn friends so you don't have to play with these bots all the time.

I've watched plenty of Robot Wars, BattleBots, and Killer Robots Robogames.
If all that experience has taught me anything, it’s that the robot revolution would end quickly, because the robots would all break down or get stuck against walls. Robots never, ever work right.

[...] the characters are just intelligent enough to seem unbelievably stupid.
The Digital Antiquarian's review of Sherlock

Web Video

If you ask me, King Vendrick should've protected his kingdom by just building more doorways.

(Aussie accent) And look there, on the radar: A naturally occurring flock of henchmen! Henchmen have a natural tendency to gather in large groups to hunt and mate, but alas, as a species, were born without any form of primitive survival instincts.

This game sucks so bad, the enemy soldiers commit suicide.
The Angry Video Game Nerd, "Schwarzenegger Games"

(waiting for guard to enter line of fire)
Yahtzee: Huh. I think we've found, uh, Conrad's intellectual match. Am I interrupting makeout time? ... C'mon, I've charged the shot. Go on, investigate your friend.
Gabriel: "Ah, it was probably nothing."
Let's Play of Flashback (2012}

He was all "Oh! She's an axe user... and I'm a sword user! STRATEGY!", and completely missed the fact that all her stats are double his.

Now, remember before how protecting Anna was really annoying? Now imagine if Anna had utterly terrible stats, and there were three of her, and they were all unarmed. That's basically this mission. Not only that, there's a whole bunch of Pegasus Knightsnote  over here, and these three villagers are gonna run straight at them. Meet Derp, Herpderp, and Tiddlytud, the Three Villager Stooges. [...] We're going to be very, very acquainted with their stupidity very, very soon. And the perfectionist that I am, guess what? I'm gonna want to save all three of them. This is not going to end well.

Western Animation

It's not stupid, it's advanced!
Tallest Purple, introducing GIR, Invader Zim


Example of: