History Literature / WhenIWasFiveIKilledMyself

* BloodBrothers: Burt and Shrubs. Burt is too afraid of needles to poke himself with a pin, so he slams his finger in a drawer instead and ends up in a cast.

* LongTitle: The novel's title is its opening line.

* AmbiguousDisorder: Subverted. Burt ''does'' get a formal diagnosis, but all the evidence points to it being completely wrong. Dr. Nevile believes Burt's a violent delusional psychotic incapable of remorse or guilt, while the narration reveals that Burt is a bright, imaginative little boy desperately afraid of losing his parents' love because of what he's done.

* AdultFear: Dissected, as the book argues that adult fears and child fears are really not that different, while also played straight with Jessica's parents: [[spoiler:the fear of how one's death will emotionally impact a child, and the fear of one's child being sexually assaulted.]]
** Burt's parents also struggle with some heavy Adult Fears: the knowledge that their child has committed a terrible crime, the fear that their parenting caused their son to harm another child or that they overlooked warning signs, and the shame of having a child institutionalized (which at the time of the book's setting would have been a grave social stigma).

** Rudyard is this too, but in the opposite direction: he abandons conventional psychological methods in favor of his own radical, hands-on, unorthodox therapy (which could endanger both him and the children).

* AdultFear: Dissected, as the book argues that adult fears and child fears are really NotSoDifferent, while also played straight with Jessica's parents: [[spoiler:the fear of how one's death will emotionally impact a child, and the fear of one's child being sexually assaulted.]]

* BedlamHouse: Played pretty realistically. The Residential Center isn't a house of horrors: it has doctors, regular therapy, and structure; the kids are taken on outings, have a playground and a play-therapy room, and get weekly visits to the swimming pool.[[note]]It's even noted that the swimming area has just been completed, indicating a modern, well-funded hospital.[[/notes]] But it's still a psychiatric institution and there are still straitjackets, bars on the windows, isolation rooms, and the occasional dangerous patient or unkind staff member.

* DramaticallyMissingThePoint: When Dr. Nevile jokingly invites Burt to "step into [his] chambers," Burt freaks out because he thinks Nevile is going to ''kill'' him. Dr. Nevile takes this as evidence of Burt's growing paranoid delusions and has him locked in the Quiet Room. In fact, the only time Burt's ever heard the word "chambers" was in a horror film about a doctor who trapped people in his ''torture'' chambers. [[note]]Since no one's bothered to explain to him where he is or why he's there, Burt believes he's in "kid jail" for what he did to Jessica.[[/note]]

** Rudyard is this too, but in the opposite direction: he abandons conventional psychological methods in favor of his own radical, hands-on, unorthodox therapy (which could endanger both him and the children).
* YouHaveToHaveJews: Burt is from a mixed-religion family, noting that he has a Bubbie and a Zadie on one side but a Grandma and a Gramps on the other. He mentions getting Hanukkah gifts and attending Passover with his dad's family, but the family doesn't appear to celebrate Sabbath or attend synagogue. (Weirdly, it's his Jewish father that insists Burt visit Santa, over Burt's objections that Santa isn't for him.) It only seems to come up as a way for Burt to have a misunderstanding or insight about Christian doctrine.
-->"On the desk there was a picture[...]of Jesus Christ which is phony I feel because they didn't have cameras back then. He was hung on the cross and over his head someone hung a sign. It said INFO. That means you can ask him directions."

'''''When I Was Five, I Killed Myself''''' (''Burt'' or ''Quand j'avais cinq ans, je m'ai tué'' in its French publications) is a 1981 novel by Howard Buten with an unusual publication history: an English-language novel written by an American, it sank like a rock in its home country and quickly went out of print, while [[GermansLoveDavidHasselhoff its French translation became a cult classic]] often called "the French ''[[Literature/TheCatcherInTheRye Catcher in the Rye]]''" (statistically, it's been read by [[NineOutOfTenDoctorsAgree one out of every ten French people who know how to read]]) and has never been out of print, resulting in [[TheFilmOfTheBook two film adaptations]] and a stage play. Only in 2000 was the novel finally republished in America.

Eight-year-old Burt Rembrandt doesn't want to be a child anymore, but the world of adults doesn't seem such great shakes, either: full of fear, confusion, and incomprensible rules that stand in the way of fun and human connection. Unable to either relate to his peers or to be taken seriously by the adults around him, Burt's world is turned upside down when he meets Jessica, a kindred spirit whose imagination, defiance, and worldview is a perfect match for his own. What begins as PuppyLove soon becomes more powerful than anything Burt can understand, and he realizes that he's in love...and he doesn't know what to do about it.

'''''When I Was Five, I Killed Myself''''' (''Burt'' or ''Quand j'avais cinq ans, je m'ai tué'' in its French publications) is a 1981 novel by Howard Buten with an unusual publication history: an English-language novel written by an American, it sank like a rock in its home country and quickly went out of print, while [[GermansLoveDavidHasselhoff its French translation became a cult classic]] often called "the French ''[[Literature/TheCatcherInTheRye Catcher in the Rye]]''" (statistically, it's been read by [[NineOutOfTenDoctorsAgree one out of every ten French people who know how to read]]), resulting in [[TheFilmOfTheBook two film adaptations]] and a stage play. Only in 2000 was it finally re-released in America.

* DidYouDie: In spite of the title, Burt did not literally kill himself when he was five. [[spoiler: The title refers to an incident where five-year-old Burt is terrified by a news report of a girl his own age killed in an accident. Not wanting to live in a world where terrible things happen for no reason (but unable to express this to his father), he goes up to his room, makes a FingerGun, and shoots himself in the head.]]

** Burt's first memory of Jessica is during a [[UsefulNotes/ColdWar school bomb drill]]. Jessica gets up and tells the teacher that if the bombs are coming, she would prefer to die at home with her family. When the teacher tells Jessica that it's only a drill and that there are no bombs, Jessica replies that the teacher should be ashamed of herself for letting children believe they were going to die. The teacher is rendered speechless, and Burt is smitten.

* ILetYouWin: Jessica lets Burt win the spelling bee, even though she's a better speller than him, because it means nothing to her and everything to him.

* AdultsAreUseless: Exemplified in the hospital, where the doctors are too fixed on a diagnosis to look at their young charges as humans. Burt longs to be an adult in order to have his feeling taken seriously, while suspecting adulthood means simply hiding one's feelings.

* FreeRangeChildren: Burt and his friend Shrubs plan for Shrubs to sneak over at midnight so they can play Franchise/{{Zorro}} together. When Burt's mom discovers them, not only does she not bother calling Shrubs' parents, she lets the kids play outside for an hour and allows Shrubs to walk back home unattended.

** Burt's parents also struggle with some terrible Adult Fears: the knowledge that their child has committed a terrible crime, the fear that their parenting caused their son to harm another child or that they missed clues, and the shame of having a child institutionalized (which at the time of the book's setting would have been a social stigma).

* BloodBrothers: Burt and Shrubs. Burt was too afraid of needles to poke himself with a pin, so he slammed his finger in a drawer instead and ended up in a cast.

* WellIntentionedExtremist: In spite of how much he hates and fears Dr. Nevile, Burt feels sorry for him, sensing that the doctor genuinely wants to help the children in his care but doesn't truly understand them.

* TroublingUnchildlikeBehavior: Ostensibly it would seem that [[spoiler: two young children engaging in sex]] would be the major example of this, but the book goes out of its way to challenge the notion of what "childlike behavior" really is. (The behavior is never portrayed as ''appropriate'' or acceptable, but the child-logic behind it is explored.)

* Burt's parents also deal with the knowledge that their child has committed a terrible crime.

'''''When I Was Five, I Killed Myself''''' (''Burt'' or ''Quand j'avais cinq ans, je m'ai tué'' in its French publications) is a 1981 novel by Howard Buten with an unusual publication history: an English-language novel written by an American, it sank like a rock in its home country and quickly went out of print, while [[GermansLoveDavidHasselhoff its French translation became a cult classic]] often called "the French ''Literature/TheCatcherInTheRye''" (statistically, it's been read by [[NineOutOfTenDoctorsAgree one out of every ten French people who know how to read]]), resulting in [[TheFilmOfTheBook two film adaptations]] and a stage play. Only in 2000 was it finally re-released in America.

'''''When I Was Five, I Killed Myself''''' (''Burt'' or ''Quand j'avais cinq ans, je m'ai tué'' in its French publications) is a 1981 novel by Howard Buten with an unusual publication history: an English-language novel written by an American, it sank like a rock in its home country and quickly went out of print, while [[GermansLoveDavidHasselhoff its French translation became a cult classic]] often called "the French ''Literature/TheCatcherInTheRye,''" resulting in [[TheFilmOfTheBook two film adaptations]] and a stage play (statistically, it's been read by [[NineOutOfTenDoctorsAgree one out of every ten French people who know how to read]]). Only in 2000 was it finally re-released in America.

* AllGirlsLikePonies: Jessica has an imaginary horse named Blackie and is seen reading books from the ''Literature/TheBlackStallion'' series.

* TheTalk: Burt's mom avoids this by giving him a child's book on sexuality (''From Little Acorns'') and letting him figure it out for himself. [[spoiler:It backfires horribly.]]

* ChildhoodMarriagePromise: Before meeting Jessica, Burt considers marrying his best (male) friend Shrub when they grow up--not because of any homosexual feelings, but because girls are icky and it seems more fun to be married to your best friend.

** Burt's buddy Shrub is also a bit of a Cloudcuckoolander even compared to other kids in the book.

* FreeRangeChildren: Burt and his friend Shrub plan for Shrub to sneak over at midnight so they can play Franchise/{{Zorro}} together. When Burt's mom discovers them, not only does she not bother calling Shrub's parents, she lets the kids play outside for an hour and allows Shrub to walk back home unattended.

* InformedJudaism: Burt is from a mixed-religion family, noting that he has a Bubbie and a Zadie on one side but a Grandma and a Grandpa on the other. He mentions getting Hanukkah gifts but doesn't appear to celebrate any other holidays or attend synagogue, and during his visit to Santa, he's concerned that Santa isn't Jewish. When he visits the YMCA pool, he's confused at seeing crucifixes (not to mention foreskins).
-->"There was a picture[...]of Jesus Christ, which is phony I feel because they didn't have cameras then. He was on the cross and somebody hung a sign over him. It said INFO. That means you can ask him directions."

** Rudyard is this too, but in the opposite direction: he abandons conventional psychological methods in favor of his own radical, hands-on, unorthodox therapy (which could endanger both him and the children).

'''''When I Was Five, I Killed Myself''''' (''Burt'' or ''Quand j'avais cinq ans, je m'ai tué'' in its French publications) is a 1981 novel by Howard Buten with an unusual publication history: an English-language novel written by an American, it sank like a rock in its home country and quickly went out of print, while [[GermansLoveDavidHasselhoff its French translation became a cult classic]] resulting in [[TheFilmOfTheBook two film adaptations]] and a stage play (statistically, it's been read by [[NineOutOfTenDoctorsAgree one out of every ten French people who know how to read]]). Only in 2000 was it finally re-released in America.

* AllGirlsLikePonies: Jessica has an imaginary horse named Blackie and is seen reading books from the ''Literature/BlackStallion'' series.

* GermansLoveDavidHasselhoff: The book is often called "the French ''Literature/TheCatcherInTheRye.''"