History JustForFun / HowToSurviveAWarMovie

*** Probably involving a GoryDiscretionShot that results in bits of him [[BloodSpatteredInnocents splattering on ''me'']].

** Even if I'm German.

* I will not be the guy [[KillItWithFire wielding the flame thrower]] unless the enemies can only engage using melee attacks. Or I'm a {{Badass}} and happen to have [[ComicBook/{{Watchmen}} some damn cool backup]]

** I will endeavor to remain close to an American of as high a rank as possible, ''always'' offer to be a liaison officer to said Americans, and offer conservative-sounding advice whenever possible in a heavily-accented English. If no American is around in this sector, chose a Brit. Stay as far away from any French, Italian, or Russians as possible, even if they're on your "side".

** If I'm assigned under a Lt. [[TheNeidermeyer Neidermeyer]] or CaptainQueeg, I will kill myself because they are a karmic black hole whose very existence guarantees we will all die. Alternately, especially if their name actually is Neidermeyer, I will [[AnimalHouse frag]] them at the first opportunity.

** If I am the only woman around, I will make sure to be an ActionGirl. Civilian women in combat zones tend to become [[WarIsHell aesop-related]] collateral damage. I will also, however, invest in military-grade [[VasquezAlwaysDies makeup and hairstyling tools]].

** If I am approached by a [[NewMeat new recruit]] in search of a [[TheObiWan mentor figure]], I will point him at someone I won't mind terribly seeing die in a messy or disturbing way.

** Especially if the helmet [[SavingPrivateRyan just stopped a bullet from going through my head]].

* If I am a sniper, I will change my firing position frequently and I will never ever ever [[SavingPrivateRyan sit in a bell tower]] or any other place with only one way down.

* If my brother or best friend tells me he's just signed up for the military because there is a war on, even though I may be tempted to join the military myself, I will instead sign up for a stateside job making rifles, bullets, first-aid supplies, or something else that's usually in short supply during a war, but under no circumastances will I sign up on my own. If drafted, I will not request to be transferred to my brother's unit.
** ...Unless, of course, you ARE the [[DeathByOriginStory brother/bestfriend.]] Then just make sure they don't get [[CaptainAmerica super-powers or something]].

* If I am an Aristocratic Austrian ShellShockedVeteran married to a ManicPixieDreamGirl and I am [[TheSoundOfMusic offered command of a Nazi submarine]] I will stop to win a singing contest before running to Switzerland. Getting the help of my wife's nun buddies will also be a good idea.

** Unless the LegionsOfHell [[TheSalvationWar march in large formation wielding bronze weaponry]], in which case the only claymore I'm going to use is claymore mines. Lots and lots of them.

** And if I am in charge of a British force, I will - to the best of my ability - ''try'' not to put aside my [[StiffUpperLip British]] OfficerAndAGentleman stick, ''try'' [[ThePatriot to look past my prejudice against the Americans' fighting prowess]] and ''try'' to be more competent than my American counterpart - it will not only ''not'' get me killed, but I will damn well win, too ([[FailureIsTheOnlyOption or at least come as close to winning as possible]]).

** Unless it's one of those [[BreakTheCutie horribly depressing]] WorldGoneMad flicks where I [[GraveOfTheFireflies starve to death]]. In which case I will get through the occupation by becoming a LoveableRogue.

* If I am a German soldier in WWII, I will transfer to [[HogansHeroes Stalag 13]] ''immediately''.

* I will not have a quirk or skill that endears me to the rest of my unit, like, say, [[TheLongestDay making really good coffee in the coffeepot I carry with me.]]

* If I have the option to serve alongside an old schoolfriend, I will consider my options carefully. If I have ever wronged my friend or "owe" him in any other way, I will find another regiment[[note]]Unless I'm a total cad - see {{Flashman}}[[/note]]. If he is better looking than I am, I will find another regiment. If, however, I am unequivocally the better looking, I will fight at his side with confidence.

* [[strike:Two]] Three bits of advice for armies in general:

** Better yet, I will be an agnostic, and discuss my beliefs. Agnostics never die, they just [[strike:fade away]] survive to write the book on which the film is based.

* I will fight the FinalBattle with [[NeverBringAKnifeToAFistFight the least powerful and technologically advanced weapon]].

* I will disregard any advice that goes against good common sense or my training, such as [[BlackHawkDown leaving protective gear, special equipment]] or additional ammunition behind prior to entering battle.

* I will learn some really {{Rousing Speech}}s. Ideally, I will have Creator/WilliamShakespeare or Creator/DylanThomas writing them.

*** There will be no assassination ''attempt''. There will only be an ''assassination''. MagnificentBastards do not accept failure.

* I will never, under any circumstances, allow myself to be sent to a Civil War hospital. Even for a broken finger, It'll probably be amputated.

** I will make sure to keep from crossing the MoralEventHorizon though, try to avoid committing the ObligatoryWarCrime alone. If I become the TokenEvilTeammate, I would at least try to be [[CrossesTheLineTwice funny]] .

** I will make sure to keep from crossing the MoralEventHorizon though, try to avoid committing the ObligatoryWarCrime alone. If you become the TokenEvilTeammate, try to be [[CrossesTheLineTwice funny]] .

** This goes double for grenades, heavy weapons (if I'm supposed to bring them), and gear like [[GasMaskMooks gas masks]] or [[GogglesDoSomething night vision]]. Nobody likes [[Film/{{Serenity}} being run down because they forgot grenades]] or [[CiaphasCain blinded for forgetting their snow goggles]].