History Funny / ZeroPunctuation2

* [[invoked]] After being introduced as the town's new mayor, Yahtzee briefly goes into an amusingly bizarre aside about how [[UncannyValley unintentionally freaky]] the whole town is and how suspicious the whole setup can come across as.

** Although he admits it would be HypocriticalHumor to mock the UncannyValley of the facial expressions (seeing as how, [[TechnologyMarchesOn as little as a decade ago, people were lucky if video game characters even moved their mouths when they said their lines]]), he still can't ignore the {{Narm}} of "...Whenever someone's supposed to be at the limits of screaming emotion in this game, they look more like they're concentrating really hard... [[SpecialEffectFailure on trying to do a horse impression]]." And ''that'' is depicted by a character going "Neeeeigh!" with a weird face, causing Yahtzee to do a DoubleTake.

* The revelation of one the characters being named "[[AwesomeMcCoolName Edge]]" ("[[RebelLeader revolutionary leader]] and [[BlatantLies former U2 guitarist]]"), eventually leading to [[AcceptableTargets several hilarious jabs at Bono]].

-->'''Yahtzee:''' ''Saints Row IV'' also gets a lot of use out of licensed music. The terrorist foiling in the prologue ''[depicted by Yahtzee stopping bin Laden on a missile]'' is leant a sort of charm by having the tune of that one Music/{{Aerosmith}} song from the ''Film/{{Armageddon}}'' soundtrack that everyone seems to be faintly embarrassed to admit is kind of alright. And there are several other examples used to such positive effect, but I eventually realized that the reason for it all was that they did the sandbox crime game thing and licensed a bunch of commercial songs to play on the car radios, before realizing that there was literally no reason to use vehicles because you can run like an escaped chicken ''[which an imp dresses up as]'' through a redneck sex dungeon, so they crowbarred the music in wherever.

-->'''Yahtzee:''' And I just that the first comment on this video after all the usual ones saying “first” and immediately getting banned, will be someone requesting to know why I haven’t done ''Duke Nukem Forever'' within the twelve minutes since it came out. Not that I’m bitter, so here’s ''VideoGame/HuntedTheDemonsForge'', a shit game for twats. No really, I’m not bitter. Trust me when I say that ''Hunted'' needs no assistance from circumstance to come across as a shit game for twats. It could be the only distraction available in a house that’s slowly sinking into a lava flow and it’d still be a shit game for twats, because a non-twat would presumably move to another house.

-->'''Yahtzee:''' And I just that the first comment on this video after all the usual ones saying “first” and immediately getting banned, will be someone requesting to know why I haven’t done ''Duke Nukem Forever'' within the twelve minutes since it came out. Not that I’m bitter, so here’s ''VideoGame/HuntedTheDemonsForge'', a shit game for twats. No really, I’m not bitter. Trust me when I say that ''Hunted'' needs no assistance from circumstance to come across as a shit game for twats. It could be the only distraction available in a house that’s slowly into a lava flow and it’d still be a shit game for twats, because a non-twat would presumably move to another house.

* "While [[TheCynic I need no convincing]] that players enjoy dicking each other, that doesn't usually apply in co-op except when [[{{Griefer}} absolute fucking twats]] are involved."

* His sarcastic jab at people who put all their skill points into [[UselessUsefulSkill swimming and poison resistance]] is funny enough, calling their brains "a permanent consolation prize," but his reasoning for why someone would do that is that they have to visit [[UsefulNotes/{{Australia}} Queensland]]. This is shown by splicing in a picture of a lovely beach, offset by a sign reading "BOX JELLYFISH / WATCH THE FUCK OUT."

-->"Wanna hear something crazy? [[WordSaladHumor Titty fuck Labrador swimming up the nile.]] Wanna hear something crazy but also coherent? [[BlatantLies Julia Roberts was once hospitalized for swallowing an entire vole.]] Wanna hear something crazy but also coherent and ''true''? ''VideoGame/DriverSanFrancisco'' may well end up in my top five of the year!

-->'''Yahtzee:''' Characters you have to escort don't follow you; they run on ahead and have a curious blind spot to vehicles. I swear, more than once I found myself driving a car very slowly alongside an escort character on foot, saying "Hey, uh, more power to you for getting your cardio, but you probably wouldn't be picking so much of yourself out of other people's teeth if you got in the fucking car. ''[imp chews on the escort character]'' Please? You can pick the radio station?" They also vastly overestimate their chances against the zombies and will charge in swinging a bit of twig like they're fucking Franchise/{{Zorro}}.

-->"Pope Urban VIII probably thought he was very clever when he condemned Galileo, but who got the last laugh there? Well he did, when Galileo died in poverty and dishonour so what I'm basically saying is that I'm basically like the Pope."

* "''Franchise/MassEffect'' brought us [[DiscountLesbians a race of all-female bisexuals]] who are culturally obliged to bang anything that moves, [[CovertPervert and you wonder why I prefer sci-fi these days.]]"

--> "You know what I hate? '''YOU NOT BEING IN THIS FUCKING SACK RIGHT NOW!'''"

-->But Dragon's Dogma does have one major unique mechanic that deserves a close examination. It's, um...well, do you remember Website/{{Neopets}}? It's kind of like that but with slavery. As part of the introductory missions, you have to generate a primary NPC sidekick in the same way you made yourself: class, race, appearance, favorite Spice Girl, etc. But for adventuring purposes, you can also enlist two additional sidekicks who are the main sidekicks of other players elsewhere in the world. You go into a little connecting universe where a sampling of available hired hands swan about trying to catch your eye, you go over to the ones you like, look at their equipment, check their teeth, bob their scrotums, and if you're happy take them adventuring with you. When you're finished with them, you give them a little present and send them back to their owner with a fond slap on the bum. You even have to rate them like you're filling in the timesheet for the temp agency. It creates motivation to make sure that your sidekick has the best equipment and skills and looks good in tights so they'll be more likely to get hired by other players, acquire experience, bring you back presents, and... ''[[FridgeLogic wait a minute!]]'' '''[[FridgeHorror Am I pimping?!]]'''

-->'''Yahtzee:''' The raccoon moneylender who gives you your home loan being the local mafia don [[ObligatoryJoke is the obvious]] ''Animal Crossing'' joke, but what stuck out for me in ''New Leaf'' is that once you've paid off one loan, he doesn't upgrade your house and put you in more debt until you specifically ask him to. But that's ''worse!'' Music/{{Radiohead}} put it best: "You do it to yourself, ba-dow-dow, and that's what really hurts". Go, run back to your newly paid-for house, lie upon your bed and listen to the ticking of the clock, you'll ''break!'' You'll be back at the house shop inside 24 hours! Paying off that loan was the only reason you got up in the morning, went fishing, exchanged the time of day with the local brightly-coloured dullards! Existing with nothing to strive for is no existence at all! "A life free of debt?!" ''You naïve fool!'' '''''DEBT''''' '''IS''' '''''YOUR LIFE!!!'''''

* The game's full title is technically ''Ride to Hell: Retribution: 1%''. Yahtzee clarifies the "1%" refers to an apocryphal statement that 99% of motorbike riders are law-abiding citizens, not [[CrazyEnoughToWork bikers getting rich by trading stock in the knife-fighting industry]].

* "Just for fun I kept a running tally of all the characters in the story campaign who aren't burly white dudes and you are under no obligation to shoot. The final total was three: a female astronaut right at the start who immediately dies, a helicopter that spoke with a woman's voice, and a black member of the Ghosts unit [[BlackDudeDiesFirst who immediately dies]]. And, frankly, when that happens, [[SkewedPriorities the main characters displayed less emotion than when their dog got shot]]. [[DullSurprise "Dammit, the black guy died!"]], they seemed to say, "[[SomeOfMyBestFriendsAreX Now we can't claim to have tons of black friends while arguing on the internet!]]"

* When complaining that Creator/ElliotPage's character [[HystericalWoman spends half the game sounding like she's about to cry]], [[InelegantBlubbering and the other half actually crying]], Yahtzee realizes that [[{{Wangst}} most of the other characters also spend their time crying]], and thinks that their collected tears [[UpToEleven could irrigate the entire Sahara Desert]].

[[Funny/ZeroPunctuation Funny (Non-ZP)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation1 Zero Punctuation 1 (2007 - 2010)]] | '''Zero Punctuation 2 (2011 - 2013)''' | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation3 Zero Punctuation 3 (2014 - 2016)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation4 Zero Punctuation 4 (2017 - 2019)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation5 Zero Punctuation 5 (2020 - 2022)]]

* Yahtzee describes his frustation with how he sees the hero as lacking any good character traits, and how their only real qualification for being the leader of the rebellion seems to be their RoyalBlood:
-->I think I've realized what I don't like about Fable: it's essentially ''fascist''. Heroism, rather than a quality that anyone can exhibit, is reduced to some kind of inherent biological thing unique to a single genetic line of handsome white people. All the support characters who do the actual organizing of the revolution take it as read that you will be king because you're the only one with the king genes, despite being an embarrassing, out-of-touch, mostly silent, privileged fop ''[[BestialityIsDepraved who fucks his dog]]!'' And I'm not even being disingenuous -- when you pet your dog it strongly resembles making out. Especially when you dip it and stick your tongue down its throat like you're teaching it ''Film/DirtyDancing''.
* The FlatWhat of the '''Fable III''' review.

** His over-the-top analysis which causes him to believe they ripped off ''Half Life 2''.

Well, you know what, great. You're gonna copy someone, copy Valve; I love those guys. But when I say that, I mean copy their methods. Don't highlight large sections of ''Raising the Bar'' and Ctrl-C Ctrl-V it into your design doc. A rather awkward question comes to mind: all that nonregenerating health, ten weapon slot, non-cover based shooting malarkey that earns the gameplay a pass -- is that all there because you thought it'd be fun or because it's what ''Half-Life 2'' did? Maybe I'm not giving Resistance 3 enough credit. It's not like it's ''totally'' wearing a ''Half-Life 2'' [[GenuineHumanHide skin suit]]. There are bits where they rip off ''Metro 2033'' instead - '''''no, bad Yahtzee'''''!\\
Giving the benefit of the doubt, ''Resistance 3'' is very solid and well worth a - wait a minute! ''The scientist has a beard!'' [[DisposingOfABody What did you do with the rest of the body, Insomniac?!]]

--> "Pope Urban VIII probably thought he was very clever when he condemned Galileo, but who got the last laugh there? Well he did, when Galileo died in poverty and dishonour so what I'm basically saying is that I'm basically like the Pope."

[[folder:Quantum Conundrum]]

--> [[OnSecondThought Still, there are no subscription fees]], [[TakeThat so it's not like the]] VideoGame/WorldOfWarcraft [[TakeThat tent next door]], [[MoneyDearBoy where the attendant nicks credit cards out of the purses!]]

* "Borderlands? more like BORED *pause* -Erlands! *long pause*
** Later in the review "Borderlands? more like SNORE-derlands *pause* two *long pause*"

[[folder:FIFA 13]]
* ""And on the subject of sex crimes, let's get back to professional football!"

--> '''Yahtzee''': I blame publishers not wanting to put out anything that might have to compete with [[VideoGame/WorldOfWarcraft Mists of Pandaria]], which incidentally I wouldn't touch with a twelve-foot sterilized barge pole being held by someone else.
* Him not actually playing the game beforehand:
--> '''Yahtzee''': Some might say not having played the game and only glancing briefly at the cover art might preclude reviewing it as a rule, but I didn't get to where I am today by following rules all over the place! Let's give it a crack.

--> '''Yahtzee''': In Anna, you are a faceless, nameless protagonist, who I choose to believe resembles Series/MrBean, who has come to an abandoned sawmill in search of his lost love or something, and considering the sawmill only has like five rooms, what follows is a pretty fucking breakneck descent into the depths of the human heart.

--> '''Yahtzee''': Anna is closer to adventure game than survival horror though, spiritually akin to those microscopic escape-the-room flash games where you solve a sequence of logic puzzles in a small environment. But the operative word there is "logic" and Anna's relationship with that concept evokes the relationship a cheese grater has with a water balloon full of sperm. Before you can even get into the sawmill, you have to find two parts of a mirror, arrange them on a wall, stick a pinecone to the front and then light it on fire because this in some way unlocks the front door. That's not a logic puzzle, that's something Creator/HunterSThompson might attempt after he lost his front door key at a mushroom-enfueled wilderness retreat! I'm glad I don't live in this neighbourhood; you probably can't even run yourself a bath until you've arranged twelve Snickers bars under the S-bend and pissed in the sink.
* His outrage that [''Tokyo Jungle'' insists on submitting his score to the leaderboards:
--> '''Yahtzee''': And I can't stand how every time I die, it insists on submitting my score to the global ranking, not only forcing me to wait a literal minute when I just want to fucking restart but then usually informing me that I'm in a hundred-billionth place in the ranks of roleplaying as a small yappy dog and I would like to inform all my peers just to round out the emasculation.
** The images make it even better:
--> '''Tokyo Jungle''': YOU DEAD.
--> '''Tokyo Jungle''': You know who'd love this?
--> '''Tokyo Jungle''': '''''FUCKING EVERYONE'''''

--> '''Yahtzee''': Shit, hang on, I got confused again. [[BreakingTheFourthWall How long have I got left? 8 SECONDS?!]] [[OhCrap FUCK!!]] [[MotorMouth Uh, FIFA 13 is a game in which you and your burly friends help a small leather sphere realize its dream of being in a net, and I think we can all agree that that's basically a positive thing, nighty-night.]]

* The thumbnail for the review is actually highly amusing. Almost invariably, the thumbnail for a review will be a contextual screencap from the review itself. For FIFA 13, it was... a tiger-headed Yahtzee being attacked by a velociraptor with a loose pile of assorted animals in the background.]] Don't bother trying to figure out what the hell this has to do with soccer. Because it's from the ''Tokyo Jungle'' part of the "review".

[[folder: Dishonored]]

* The end credits of Lego City are also hilarious.

-->'''Step 1''': [[FaceHeelTurn Someone turns evil]] for a stupid reason.\\
'''Step 2''': [[VideoGame/ResidentEvil5 BOULDER]] [[MemeticMutation PUNCHING.]]

[[folder:Top 5 Games of 2013]]
* The opening lines in their entirety.
-->Life is an exercise in duality. One can only appreciate pleasure if there has been pain to put it into context. The delightful taste of a Knickerbocker Glory is nothing if you've never stapled your bollocks over a worktop and set about them with a toffee hammer. Anyway, that's why I'm not allowed in the ice cream parlor anymore...
* As per 2010 and 2011, the best and worst games have an analogous experience, but here, they're directly linked to one another. For example, while the fifth best is "Earning the respect of a competent middle manager," the fifth worst is "Earning the respect of a large horny dog."
** The descriptors for tiers four and three:
--->'''4th Best:''' Shaking hands with Kofi Annan\\
'''4th Worst:''' Realising your flies were unzipped the whole time you were shaking hands with Kofi Annan\\
'''3rd Best:''' It wasn't Kofi Annan at all, it was Nelson Mandela\\
'''3rd Worst:''' Hang on, Nelson Mandela's dead, and you've just committed a massive faux pas at an open casket funeral
* Speaking of the "Shaking hands with Kofi Annan" one (''VideoGame/AssassinsCreedIVBlackFlag''):
-->'''Yahtzee''': You know me, I hate a series that meanders infinitely on like a hamster in a Möbius strip so I was running out of patience for ''Franchise/AssassinsCreed''. "What the hell are you doing putting another fucking one out? I'd have thought after ''[[VideoGame/AssassinsCreedIII 3]]'' was like watching ''WesternAnimation/ACharlieBrownThanksgiving'' special intercut with scenes from a very boring documentary about knives, you'd have the sense to consider winding this shit up!"\\
"Sorry," replied ''Assassin's Creed''. "Would an exciting pirate adventure on the high seas help you stomach our distasteful attitude?"\\
"Yes... you fucking pricks."
* Yahtzee being outright hesitant to name-drop ''Ride To Hell'' before giving it the Lifetime Achievement Award for '''Total Abhorrence'''.
** Yahtzee further states that ''Ride To Hell'' will hold the title until a worse game comes along, which he estimates to be "around the time [[Franchise/PlanetOfTheApes apes have retaken the fucking Earth!"]]
* Definitely qualifies as BlackComedy, but the end-of-credits message is worthy of a laugh or two:
-->"I suspect next year will just be a bottom 10 followed by a gunshot"
[[/folder]]

-->'''Yahtzee:''' ''(while talking in a cutesy voice and with a flower in his NiceHat)'' Now when you're ready, I want you to press this button. (Imp misses the button) Okay, that was slightly to the ''left'' of the button, but keep trying, you're doing ''ever'' so well!

'''3rd Worst:''' Hang on, Nelson Mandela's dead, and you've just committed a faux pas at an open casket funeral

-->'''Yahtzee:''' It doesn't take long to figure out that the super-secret technique for handling singlular zombies is just uninterrupted swings with the starting cricket bat, or as I prefer to call it, [[ICallItVera my Staff of Wisden!]] %%Sic: It's a cricket reference

[[Funny/ZeroPunctuation Funny (Non-ZP)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation1 Zero Punctuation 1 (2007 - 2010)]] | '''Zero Punctuation 2 (2011 - 2013)''' | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation3 Zero Punctuation 3 (2014 - 2016)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation4 Zero Punctuation 4 (2017 - 2019)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation5 Zero Punctuation 5 (2020 -)]]

-->'''Yahtzee:''' It doesn't take long to figure out that the super-secret technique for handling singlular zombies is just uninterrupted swings with the starting cricket bat, or as I prefer to call it, [[ICallItVera my Staff of Wisden!]]

-->'''Yahtzee:''' It doesn't take long to figure out that the super-secret technique for handling singlular zombies is just uninterrupted swings with the starting cricket bat, or as I prefer to call it, [[ICallItVera my Staff of Wisdom!]]

-->"There was let a kid die or let a dude die. Obviously you save the kid, don't you? He's got more life to live, the parents will like you, and worst comes to it, his flesh will be a lot more tender and palettable. ''*lip smacking noises*''"

-->"So here's the sitch: the US has been invaded by all of South America. OK, gonna have to stop you there, ''Call of Duty: Ghosts''; I get that all of your plots are birthed from the fantasies crossing the mind of a paranoid, xenophobic fuckwit as he has violent grunting sex with a pile of damp moss, but at least you used to stick to foreigners who potentially are enemies of the US, and South America has better things to do with its time than sit around shaking its fist at your freedoms all day, at least as long as association football exists! Anyway, they attack America by hijacking America's orbital missile weapon. OK, gonna stop you there again, ''Ghosts''! Firstly, so much for the enemy being "superior" if they can't make their own superweapons and gotta pinch 'em like safari park baboons nicking the windscreen wipers. And secondly, ''orbital fucking missile weapon''!? This invasion is sounding more justifiable by the second!"\\

[[Funny/ZeroPunctuation Funny (Non-ZP)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation1 Zero Punctuation 1 (2007 - 2010)]] | '''Zero Punctuation 2 (2011 - 2013)''' | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation3 Zero Punctuation 3 (2014 - 2016)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation4 Zero Punctuation 4 (2017 - 2019)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation5 Zero Punctuation 5 (2020)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation6 Zero Punctuation 6 (2021 -)]]

[[Funny/ZeroPunctuation Funny (Non-ZP)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation1 Zero Punctuation 1 (2007 - 2010)]] | '''Zero Punctuation 2 (2011 - 2013)''' | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation3 Zero Punctuation 3 (2014 - 2016)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation4 Zero Punctuation 4 (2017 - 2019)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation5 Zero Punctuation 5 (2020 - 2021)]]

* "The driving plot point of Modern Warfare 3 is tracking down the Russian president who was kidnapped on his way to working out a peace treaty with the West. Now, if the Russian government was committed enough to peace that he was already on the plane puckering up for some imperialist bottom-kissing, ''who the hell gave the order to invade Europe?!'' Because when the president finally does get into that meeting with the Western powers, there are going to be some fucking awkward items on the agenda! Full-scale chemical weapon attacks on civilians, that's a hard thing to blame on a few bad apples! I think the problem might lie with the orchard, Mr. President -- you might want to stop watering it with liquidized children.

[[Funny/ZeroPunctuation Funny (Non-ZP)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation1 Zero Punctuation 1 (2007 - 2010)]] | '''Zero Punctuation 2 (2011 - 2013)''' | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation3 Zero Punctuation 3 (2014 - 2016)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation4 Zero Punctuation 4 (2017 - 2019)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation5 Zero Punctuation 5 (2020 - )]]