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-->''[the Derp Song plays over the Giants failing utterly to stop the Lions' Jamal Agnew from running a punt return 88 yards for a touchdown at [=MetLife=] Stadium in Week 3]''\\
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'''Jon Gruden''': ... dropping the football's a big reason for [the Giants not scoring points].\\
'''Sean [=McDonough=]''': Odell Beckham Jr. dropped eight in the regular season last year, that was sixth most in the league. ''[Lions cornerback Jamal Agnew catches the punt...]'' Booming punt by Wing... ''[... and the Giants fail miserably to stop him from running 88 yards for a touchdown]'' Jamal Agnew, a nice return!\\
'''Jon Gruden''': Look out!\\
'''Sean [=McDonough=]''': Goes by the punter, Wing, and he is off to the races!...\\
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'''FPV''': Thanks, Tree! It's fitting that you intro me [[MultipleReferencePun using the word]] "Literature/{{Misery}}", since [[https://youtu.be/2pbfkNI2d_A?t=2m35s the scene where the fat bitch hobbles the main character]] has pretty much been the theme for this fucking Giants season. Now normally, I would be miserable at the thought of my [then-]one-win team slogging through a season that has been more horrifying than a minor waiting on the results of a pregnancy test, and having to take my lumps from my fellow Eagle, Redskin, and Cowboy fans, who love to shove bamboo under my fingernails every time my squad loses. But there is one thing I have learned from all this: all things must come to an end, and the Derp Era is coming to an end. And the proper way to end a legend's career...is to tank like operation mother-effing Desert Storm! That's right, I'm trusting Jerry Reese and his accidental string of terrible front office decisions that backed into two Super Bowls...and not much else in between. Yep, it's time to clean house like [[Series/BreakingBad Walter White's Pest Control Company]] and cook up a fresh batch of championship meth! That is, of course, if we don't waste the #1 pick on Saquon Barkley and think, "''next year'' is the last ride!" because I doubt Derp Man has another championship left in his arm. Ah, screw it, just draft Barkley! I mean, look at all that speed! Sure, Eli has another year, [[MissingStepsPlan all we have to do is replace both lines]], [[DisproportionateRetribution shoot Eli Apple]], get DRC to stop giving up on plays ''and'' the team, fire Ben [=McAdoo=], bring back Tom Coughlin, and add Saquon Barkley! Shit, all we have to do is draft Barkley; he is the football equivalent to the cure for herpes that is this Giants season. Screw it! G-Men! Super Bowl champions, 2019, you goddamn assholes!\\
to:
'''FPV''': Thanks, Tree! It's fitting that you intro me [[MultipleReferencePun using the word]] "Literature/{{Misery}}", since [[https://youtu.be/2pbfkNI2d_A?t=2m35s the scene where the fat bitch hobbles the main character]] has pretty much been the theme for this fucking Giants season. Now normally, I would be miserable at the thought of my [then-]one-win team slogging through a season that has been more horrifying than a minor waiting on the results of a pregnancy test, and having to take my lumps from my fellow Eagle, Redskin, and Cowboy fans, who love to shove bamboo under my fingernails every time my squad loses. But there is one thing I have learned from all this: all things must come to an end, and the Derp Era is coming to an end. And the proper way to end a legend's career...is to tank like operation mother-effing Desert Storm! That's right, I'm trusting Jerry Reese and his accidental string of terrible front office decisions that backed into two Super Bowls...and not much else in between. Yep, it's time to clean house like [[Series/BreakingBad Walter White's Pest Control Company]] and cook up a fresh batch of championship meth! That is, of course, if we don't waste the #1 pick on Saquon Barkley and think, "''next year'' is the last ride!" because I doubt Derp Man has another championship left in his arm. Ah, screw it, just draft Barkley! I mean, look at all that speed! Sure, Eli has another year, [[MissingStepsPlan all we have to do is replace both lines]], [[DisproportionateRetribution shoot Eli Apple]], get DRC to stop giving up on plays ''and'' the team, fire Ben [=McAdoo=], bring back Tom Coughlin, and add Saquon Barkley! Shit, all we have to do is draft Barkley; he is the football equivalent to the cure for herpes that is this Giants season. Screw it! G-Men! Super Bowl champions, 2019, you goddamn assholes!\\assholes![[note]] Sadly for FPV, the Giants finished 2018 with a 5-11 record, "good enough" for last in the NFC East. The actual 2019 Super Bowl champions were the Patriots - again.[[/note]]\\
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actually, this might be more appropriate for an F-bomb so loud, on-ice mics picked it up
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'''Erik Karlsson:''' ARE YOU [[PrecisionFStrike FUCKING]] KIDDING ME?!\\
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'''Erik Karlsson:''' ARE YOU [[PrecisionFStrike [[AtomicFBomb FUCKING]] KIDDING ME?!\\
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!![[AC:We're A Team: The 2018/19 Ottawa Senators Story]]
* While this video largely focuses on the tragedy and failure of the 2018-19 Senators, one particular moment sticks out as Tree recaps the Senators' shedding of their star players:
-->'''UT''': But even after all the rumors and grumblings, Erik Karlsson was still somehow in Ottawa.\\
''[cue footage of Karlsson sending a pass to Mark Stone, and Stone fumbling it]''\\
'''Erik Karlsson:''' ARE YOU [[PrecisionFStrike FUCKING]] KIDDING ME?!\\
'''UT''': No we aren't, Erik.
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I've listened to that clip several times; it sounds like "Oh, God, no!", not "Oh nooo!"
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'''Offscreen Jets fan''': '''''OH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!''''' ''(a shot of Darth Vader's BigNo from Film/RevengeOfTheSith appears in the top right of the screen)''\\
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'''Offscreen Jets fan''': '''''OH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!''''' GOD, NO!''''' ''(a shot of Darth Vader's BigNo from Film/RevengeOfTheSith ''Film/RevengeOfTheSith'' appears in the top right of the screen)''\\
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expanding upon the Roger Vick entry in the Jets lolcow section
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** Drafting fullback Roger Vick from Texas A&M in the first round in 1987.[[note]]Making the decision more bizarre: ''no other fullbacks'' were drafted that year. Vick's career fizzled out after three seasons.[[/note]] As soon as Pete Rozelle says the word "fullback", a Jets fan can be heard screaming [[BigNo "OH GOD, NO!"]], punctuated in the video with a shot of Vader's BigNo from ''Film/RevengeOfTheSith''.
to:
** Drafting fullback Roger Vick from Texas A&M in the first round in 1987.[[note]]Making the decision more bizarre: ''no other fullbacks'' were drafted that year. Vick's career fizzled out after three seasons.[[/note]] As soon as Pete Rozelle says the word "fullback", a [[/note]]
--->'''Pete Rozelle''': New York Jets' first round selection... fullback...\\
'''Offscreen Jetsfan can be heard screaming [[BigNo "OH GOD, NO!"]], punctuated in the video with a fan''': '''''OH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!''''' ''(a shot of Darth Vader's BigNo from ''Film/RevengeOfTheSith''.Film/RevengeOfTheSith appears in the top right of the screen)''\\
'''Pete Rozelle''': ... Roger Vick, Texas A&M. ''(reaction shot of dumbfounded Jets fans)''
--->'''Pete Rozelle''': New York Jets' first round selection... fullback...\\
'''Offscreen Jets
'''Pete Rozelle''': ... Roger Vick, Texas A&M. ''(reaction shot of dumbfounded Jets fans)''
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!![[AC:How to Destroy a Career 101: Starring Martavis Bryant]]
* As Tree examines how former Steelers wide receiver Martavis Bryant's career was ruined by numerous failed drug tests, a RunningGag develops as the final line from "The Next Episode" by Music/SnoopDogg (feat. Music/DrDre) punctuates the headlines about his marijuana problems.
** A stellar career at Clemson leads to his being drafted in the fourth round by Pittsburgh, but things quickly go downhill...
--->'''UT''': Martavis immediately makes a splash in the Steel City by being the impact deep threat that the organisation needed. The promise that he shows after being unlocked halfway through the season is apparent. Look at how he burnt through these secondaries like a wick through candle wax. Time can only make him stronger.\\
'''Headline''': ''[breaking glass]'' ''["SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY!"]'' [[AC:Report: Martavis Bryant suspended due to multiple failed marijuana tests]]\\
'''UT''': And then comes his major weakness in the drugs.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Martavis Bryant: The NFL Must Change Its Marijuana Policy]]\\
'''UT''': You see, Martavis had a penchant for enjoying the wonders of cannabis, a drug that is disallowed by the NFL. Not that I'm against a dance or two with Mary Jane, they are still the rules. Fortunately only his first strike, ''[''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog'' buzzer]'' ''[Headline: Steelers WR Martavis Bryant suspended 4 games for violating substance abuse policy]'' a four-game suspension. Everyone makes mistakes, we can let this one slide. ''[over footage of Bryant making an improbable catch in the 2016 Wild Card round against the Bengals]''[[note]] See "The Cincinnati Bengals: Professional Football's Recurring Lolcow" to see how that game ended.[[/note]] Bryant once again flashes his supreme potential ''[Caption: WHAT EVEN IS THIS CATCH?]'' as a legitimate wideout in his sophomore season. Even with being a marquee deep threat the hopes of him developing a short range game would make him into one of the deadliest receivers in all the land. With the mistakes of the past behind him, of course!\\
'''Headline''': ''[breaking glass]'' ''["SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY!"]'' [[AC:Reports: Steelers' Martavis Bryant facing year-long suspension]]\\
'''UT''': Alas, he has fooled us twice. This time it robs us of a full season ''[''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog'' buzzer]'' ''[Headline: NFL Suspends Steelers WR Martavis Bryant 1 Year For Substance Abuse Violation]'' of play and creates a most unpleasant reputation.\\
'''Headlines''': [[AC:Martavis Bryant planning to check into rehab]]\\
[[AC:Roethlisberger says suspended Steelers receiver Bryant lied to him]]\\
'''UT''': Martavis can't stay on the field due to his own actions.
** And when he returns from his suspension, his relationship with the Steelers from top to bottom becomes certifiably toxic:
--->'''UT''': Even with him coming back the next year, it was obvious that Bryant just wasn't the same. He was failing to develop any other aspects of his receiving game, in fact he may have regressed from his earlier promise. In this situation, you may look to find answers from within, but Bryant chooses to go on the offensive and bite the hand that feeds. May he demand a trade due to his inability to thrive in the Steelers offence.\\
'''Headlines''': [[AC:Martavis Bryant requested trade from Steelers]]\\
''["BRUH!"]'' [[AC:Martavis Bryant downplays reported trade demand from Steelers]]\\
'''UT''': Scratch that, he's talked with Tom Lennon, he's cool... for about a week.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Martavis Bryant rips [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster on Instagram]]\\
'''UT''': Bryant immediately criticises the new kid on the block in [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Martavis Bryant says [=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster is Sammie Coates' replacement]]\\
'''UT''': ''[over a tweet from Bryant claiming his superiority to Smith-Schuster]'' He was stealing the spotlight, he took what rightfully belonged to him. He even had a social media presence, the ''nerve'' of such a young man!\\
'''Headlines''': [[AC:[=JuJu=] Smith-Schuster on Martavis Bryant's Instagram comments: "I don't take it personally"]]\\
[[AC:Martavis Bryant, targeted twice in win, 'wants out']]\\
'''UT''': The trade demands were back on, he wants to be the guy despite a massively disappointing season. A prodigal son finally gets his wish by being traded to the Oakland Raiders for a third round pick that offseason.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Steelers trade Martavis Bryant to the Oakland Raiders]]
** Time for a fresh start in Oakland, then! Or... more of the same:
--->'''UT''': They still see potential in Bryant, a great foil for Amari Cooper. Think of the possibilities!\\
'''Headline''': ''[breaking glass]'' ''["SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY!"]'' [[AC:Martavis Bryant, no stranger to suspension, could be getting suspended again]]\\
'''UT''': This is when the Raiders fear he failed a '''third''' drug test. Add a lacklustre camp ''[Headline: Martavis Bryant is apparently having some problems learning the Raiders playbook]'' and a looming suspension ''[[[Creator/GeorgeCarlin "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"]]] [Headline: Martavis Bryant cut by Raiders, facing suspension]'' and Martavis is suddenly out of the league entirely!\\
'''Headline''': ''[quack!]'' [[AC:WR Martavis Bryant signing 1-year deal with Raiders]]\\
'''UT''': And then brought back as he's apparently not getting suspended anymore.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:NFL allows Martavis Bryant to play until verdict in suspension appeal]]\\
'''UT''': ''[over footage of Bryant failing to make a potential touchdown catch against the Browns]'' Only then the football gods deliver a far more painful punishment than suspensions.\\
'''Headline''': ''[[[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 "NOPE!"]]]'' [[AC:Jon Gruden dissatisfied in play of Raiders WR Martavis Bryant]]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:No touchdowns all season]]\\
'''UT''': Ineffectiveness.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Report: Raiders fear PCL tear for Martavis Bryant]]\\
'''UT''': And injuries.\\
'''Headline''': ''[[[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!"]]]'' [[AC:Season is Done for Raiders' Martavis Bryant]]\\
'''UT''': A PCL tear ended his season prematurely with any future career in serious jeopardy.\\
'''Headline''': ''[breaking glass]'' ''["SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY!"]'' [[AC:Martavis Bryant Suspended Indefinitely by NFL for Substance Abuse Violation]]\\
'''UT''': Probably got high off of whatever was left of it anyway.\\
'''Headline''': ''[LosingHorns]'' [[AC:Former Steelers WR Martavis Bryant To Appeal Suspension, Arguing Lack Of Access To Mental Health Resources]]\\
'''UT''': Another indefinite suspension.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Should've been a good boy and taken painkillers]]\\
'''UT''': For Martavis, there may never be another chance to roast secondaries into a blunt. This is a truly wasted talent. He strayed away from striding on the grass to being content with merely smoking it.\\
'''Caption''': ''[as Bryant is tackled just outside the endzone in a Steelers loss to the Seahawks]'' [[AC:Pictured: The NFL to Martavis' career]]\\
'''UT''': As such, his career and the potential millions he could have earned if he stayed clean are also up in smoke. May we lament such a self-imposed tragedy.
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'''UT''': Hey, how about Boogie Cousins? Coming off a major injury, but he should be ''[sound of glass breaking]'' he signed with ''Golden State'', are you ''fucking'' kidding!?\\
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'''UT''': Hey, Okay, how about Boogie Cousins? Coming off a major injury, but he should be ''[sound of glass breaking]'' he signed with ''Golden State'', are you ''fucking'' kidding!?\\
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'''UT:''' '''''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe HOLY SHIT!!]]''''' ''[Clip of Arsenio Hall doing a SpitTake]'' '''''Eleven million per year??''''' Were you guys paying the free agent tax when there were no other buyers? You do realize the highest paid defensemen are making around 8 million, right? No knock on Doughty, he's a great player, but that much for Drew's latter years? ''[A caption reads "The issue isn't giving him a contract, it's that they paid too much."]'' Ever hear of the aging process? Hope you have the FountainOfYouth lying around for that. If I'm Erik Karlsson [[note]]Recently traded to the San Jose Sharks at the time of the video's uploading[[/note]] I'm sending you guys a fruit basket for the next decade.
to:
'''UT:''' '''''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe HOLY SHIT!!]]''''' ''[Clip of Arsenio Hall doing a SpitTake]'' '''''Eleven million per year??''''' Were you guys paying the free agent tax when there were no other buyers? You do realize the highest paid defensemen are making around 8 million, right? No knock on Doughty, he's a great player, but that much for Drew's latter years? ''[A caption reads "The issue isn't giving him a contract, it's that they paid too much."]'' Ever hear of the aging process? Hope you have the FountainOfYouth lying around for that. If I'm Erik Karlsson [[note]]Recently traded to the San Jose Sharks at the time of the video's uploading[[/note]] uploading, and who would later sign a contract worth half a million dollars more per year with the Sharks.[[/note]] I'm sending you guys a fruit basket for the next decade.
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adding the "Fire Fisher" moment for the Knicks lolcow
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* Tree introduces Phil Jackson, whose tenure as Knicks general manager he calls "as archaic and outdated as the triangle offense":
-->'''UT''': His first move was to install a puppet at the head coaching position. Steve Kerr saw through this façade, ''(Headline: Steve Kerr to coach Warriors, turn down Knicks)'' but he ended up getting another former player named Derek Fisher.\\
''(cue footage of the fourth quarter of a Knicks game, with the game out of hand for the Knicks and fans chanting "Fire Fisher!" and booing)''[[note]]The Knicks were about to lose their ''eleventh consecutive game'' at the time - they would lose five more after that for a 16-game losing streak.[[/note]]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Look at how captivated Knicks fans are]]
-->'''UT''': His first move was to install a puppet at the head coaching position. Steve Kerr saw through this façade, ''(Headline: Steve Kerr to coach Warriors, turn down Knicks)'' but he ended up getting another former player named Derek Fisher.\\
''(cue footage of the fourth quarter of a Knicks game, with the game out of hand for the Knicks and fans chanting "Fire Fisher!" and booing)''[[note]]The Knicks were about to lose their ''eleventh consecutive game'' at the time - they would lose five more after that for a 16-game losing streak.[[/note]]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Look at how captivated Knicks fans are]]
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'''Headline''': ''[[[Creator/GeorgeCarlin "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"]]]'' [[AC:Matt Harvey Traded to Reds for Devin Morasco After Pitcher DFA'd By Mets]]\\
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'''Headline''': ''[[[Creator/GeorgeCarlin "GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUTTA HERE!"]]]'' [[AC:Matt Harvey Traded to Reds for Devin Morasco After Pitcher DFA'd By Mets]]\\
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'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer, [[Creator/GeorgeCarlin "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"]]]'' [[AC:Mets Designate Travis d'Arnaud for Assignment; Catcher Has .087 BA to Start 2019]]\\
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'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer, [[Creator/GeorgeCarlin "GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUTTA HERE!"]]]'' [[AC:Mets Designate Travis d'Arnaud for Assignment; Catcher Has .087 BA to Start 2019]]\\
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'''Headline''': ''[expression of disgust]'' [[AC:The ridiculous feud between Adam Eaton and Todd Frazier now features homeowner's advice]]\\
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'''Headline''': ''[expression of disgust]'' ''[BRUH!]'' [[AC:The ridiculous feud between Adam Eaton and Todd Frazier now features homeowner's advice]]\\
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'''Headline''': ''["WHAT!?", accompanied by a tweet about Vargas' confrontation with a reporter]'' [[AC:Jason Vargas hints at real story behind threats--that he refuses to tell]]\\
''["What the FUCK?!"]'' [[AC:Mets reportedly remain mad with Jason Vargas, could move him ahead of trade deadline]]\\
''["What the FUCK?!"]'' [[AC:Mets reportedly remain mad with Jason Vargas, could move him ahead of trade deadline]]\\
to:
'''Headline''': ''["WHAT!?", ''["[[WebVideo/JonTron WHAT!?]]", accompanied by a tweet about Vargas' confrontation with a reporter]'' [[AC:Jason Vargas hints at real story behind threats--that he refuses to tell]]\\
''["What ''["[[WebVideo/JonTron What the FUCK?!"]'' FUCK?!]]"]'' [[AC:Mets reportedly remain mad with Jason Vargas, could move him ahead of trade deadline]]\\
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!![[AC:Meet the Mets: 2018 Edition]]
* The Mets are just as bad as they were the previous season, going from an 11-1 start to well under .500 by the beginning of July. As in 2017, Tree goes down a very long list of Mets players who have disappointed or outright imploded:
-->'''UT''': Let's meet all of the talent we have on the roster for this go-around: Yoenis Céspedes!\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Mets 'very' concerned about Cespedes as his injury reappears]]\\
'''UT''': Michael Conforto.\\
'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of horror]'' [[AC:Mets consider demoting Michael Conforto to minors, report says]]\\
'''UT''': Jay Bruce.\\
'''Headlines''': ''[sound of retching, accompanied by Bruce's dire numbers (starting with a .212 batting average) for the first half of the season]'' [[AC:Mets' Jay Bruce drops F-bombs while discussing struggles]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Jay Bruce goes on 10-day disabled list with sore hip]]\\
'''UT''': Juan Lagares.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!"]]]'' [[AC:Mets CF Lagares likely to miss rest of year with toe injury]]\\
'''UT''': Travis d'Arnaud!\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!"]]]'' [[AC:Mets' Travis d'Arnaud might need Tommy John surgery due to UCL tear]]\\
'''UT''': The great David Wright!\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:David Wright Still Wants to Play, but Admits It May Not Happen]]\\
'''UT''': Todd Frazier!\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Mets put Todd Frazier on the 10-day disabled list with hamstring injury]]\\
'''UT''': The renaissance of Jose Reyes!\\
'''Headline''': ''[BigNo, accompanied by Reyes' terrible numbers, including a .186 batting average]'' [[AC:Mets Have Considered Releasing Jose Reyes]]\\
'''UT''': T.J. Rivera.\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Mets expect T.J. Rivera to remain out until July]]\\
'''UT''': Wilmer Flores!\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Wilmer Flores is newest Mets injury headache to worry about]]\\
'''UT''': The swan song of Adrian Gonzalez!\\
'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer]'' [[AC:Mets release Adrian Gonzalez, potentially marking the end of an underrated career]]\\
'''UT''': The swan song of Joey Bats!\\
'''Headline''': ''[Windows 95 "Ta-da!" sound effect]'' [[AC:Jose Bautista Is Somehow Hitting Fifth For The Mets Tonight]]\\
'''UT''': Luis Guillorme!\\
'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of horror]'' [[AC:Mets' errors make night much longer for Seth Lugo]]\\
'''UT''': Dominic Smith!\\
'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Dominic Smith getting a start in left field Sunday in New York]]\\
'''UT''': Amed Rosario!\\
'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Mets are now benching Amed Rosario for Jose Reyes]]\\
'''UT''': Thor!\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Noah Syndergaard injury update: No timetable for Mets ace to begin throwing program, report says]]\\
'''UT''': Anthony Swarzak!\\
'''Headlines''': ''[StockScream of horror]'' [[AC:Mets' Swarzak 'still trying to find himself' after Sunday's struggles]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:New Mets reliever Anthony Swarzak suffers left oblique injury]]\\
'''UT''': All-star Jason Vargas!\\
'''Headlines''': ''[[[WesternAnimation/SpongebobSquarepants "Oh BROTHER, this guy STINKS!"]], accompanied by Vargas' awful numbers, led by an ERA of 8.60]'' [[AC:Jason Vargas never gave the Mets a chance]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Mets lefty Jason Vargas placed on DL with sore calf]]\\
'''UT''': Matt Harvey!\\
'''Headline''': ''[[[Creator/GeorgeCarlin "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"]]]'' [[AC:Matt Harvey Traded to Reds for Devin Morasco After Pitcher DFA'd By Mets]]\\
'''UT''': Robert Gsellman!\\
''[StockScream of horror accompanying a tweet from Gsellman accusing Noah Syndergaard of stealing his UsefulNotes/{{Xbox}}]''\\
'''UT''': Rafael Montero!\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!"]]]'' [[AC:Mets announce Rafael Montero has torn UCL in right elbow, will likely need Tommy John surgery]]\\
'''UT''': Hansel Robles!\\
'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer]'' [[AC:Angels claim Mets discard Hansel Robles off waivers]]\\
''[toilet flushing]'' [[AC:Mets fans can finally laugh at a Hansel Robles disaster]]\\
'''UT''': Jerry Blevins!\\
'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Mets Reliever Jerry Blevins Starting Against Dodgers]]\\
'''UT''': A.J. Ramos!\\
'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of agony, [[VideoGame/MortalKombat3 Shao Khan laughs]], and Ramos' dreadful numbers, led by an ERA of 6.41] [SickeningCrunch, [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!"]]]'' [[AC:Mets reliever AJ Ramos to have surgery Wednesday to repair torn labrum, will miss rest of season]]
!![[AC:Meet the Mets: 2019 Edition]]
* Another year, another parade of disappointment and embarrassment for the Mets and their fans. So who's in the hall of shame this year?
-->'''UT''': Stand by for a roll call! Yoenis Céspedes!\\
'''Headlines''': ''[SickeningCrunch, [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!]]]'' [[AC:Yoenis Céspedes suffered multiple ankle fractures in ranch accident]]\\
[[AC:Yoenis Céspedes has season-ending surgery]]\\
'''UT''': Wilson Ramos!\\
'''Headlines''': ''[sound of retching]'' [[AC:Wilson Ramos bashes Gatorade cooler after Mets' latest stinker]]\\
[[AC:Mets finally trust Wilson Ramos to catch Jacob [=deGrom=]]]\\
'''UT''': Travis d'Arnaud!\\
'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer, [[Creator/GeorgeCarlin "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"]]]'' [[AC:Mets Designate Travis d'Arnaud for Assignment; Catcher Has .087 BA to Start 2019]]\\
'''UT''': Tomas Nido!\\
''[StockScream of horror accompanies Nido's terrible numbers, led by a .257 batting average]''\\
'''UT''': Jed Lowrie!\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Jed Lowrie 'not close' to playing games, shining light on $20 million deal that's flopping]]\\
'''UT''': Amed Rosario!\\
'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Report: Mets could move Amed Rosario to center field]]\\
'''UT''': The golden god, Robinson Canó!\\
'''Headline''': ''[''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog'' buzzer]'' [[AC:Robinson Cano explains blatantly not trying with excuses, no apology]]\\
''[StockScream of horror]'' [[AC:Robinson Cano's ugly Mets tenure is getting harder to hide]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Robinson Cano aggravates quad in first game back from injured list]]\\
'''UT''': Todd Frazier!\\
'''Headline''': ''[expression of disgust]'' [[AC:The ridiculous feud between Adam Eaton and Todd Frazier now features homeowner's advice]]\\
'''UT''': Juan Lagares!\\
'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of terror accompanied by Lagares' dreadful numbers, led by a .182 batting average]'' [[AC:The Mets have a center field problem]]\\
'''UT''': The renaissance of Carlos Gómez!\\
'''Headline''': ''[[[WesternAnimation/TheSpongebobSquarepantsMovie "MY EYES!"]]]'' [[AC:Carlos Gómez designated for assignment]]\\
'''UT''': Brandon Nimmo!\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Mets shut down Nimmo as Conforto experiment looms]]\\
'''UT''': Keon Broxton!\\
'''Headline''': ''[''Series/FamilyFeud'' buzzer]'' [[AC:Mets Designate Keon Broxton]]\\
'''UT''': Thor!\\
'''Headlines''': ''[StockScream of horror]'' [[AC:Syndergaard stung again in loss to Crew: Thor gives up 2 homers, raises ERA to 6.35]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Noah Syndergaard has a strained hamstring]]\\
'''UT''': Zack Wheeler!\\
'''Headline''': ''[glass breaking]'' [[AC:Mets' Zack Wheeler addresses trade rumors: 'It's something that you don't want to think about']]\\
'''UT''': Steven Matz!\\
'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Road Woes For Matz Continue, Mets Drop Series To Braves]]\\
'''UT''': All-star Jason Vargas!\\
'''Headline''': ''["WHAT!?", accompanied by a tweet about Vargas' confrontation with a reporter]'' [[AC:Jason Vargas hints at real story behind threats--that he refuses to tell]]\\
''["What the FUCK?!"]'' [[AC:Mets reportedly remain mad with Jason Vargas, could move him ahead of trade deadline]]\\
'''UT''': Justin Wilson!\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Wilson heads back to IL as elbow flares up]]\\
'''UT''': Luis Avilan!\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Mets place Luis Avilan on IL, call up Chris Flexen]]\\
'''UT''': Jeurys Familia!\\
'''Headline''': ''[[[Series/MalcolmInTheMiddle "I expect nothing - and I'm still let down!"]], accompanied by Familia's abysmal numbers, led by an ERA of 7.81] [SickeningCrunch]'' [[AC:Mets News: Jeurys Familia Placed on 10-Day IL with Shoulder Injury]]\\
'''UT''': Drew Gagnon!\\
'''Headline''': ''["AIE, my eyes!", accompanied by Gagnon's hopeless numbers, led by an ERA of 7.65]'' [[AC:Rockies trying their best to accept Drew Gagnon's 'accident']]\\
'''UT''': Wilmer Font!\\
'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of terror]'' [[AC:Wilmer Font latest reliever to doom the Mets]]\\
'''UT''': Drew Smith!\\
'''Headline''': ''[SickeningCrunch, [[VideoGame/CommandAndConquer "Unit lost!]]]'' [[AC:Reliever Smith requires Tommy John surgery]]\\
'''UT''': Robert Gsellman!\\
'''Headline''': ''[StockScream of horror]'' [[AC:Mickey Callaway Has A Very Mets Reason For Overworking His Most Reliable Reliever]]\\
'''UT''': Seth Lugo!\\
'''Headline''': ''[[[VideoGame/AgeOfEmpiresII "You played two hours to die like THIS!?"]]]'' [[AC:Mets' Seth Lugo looking for more setup opportunities]]\\
'''UT''': And the closer of the future: [[MaliciousMisnaming Ed-lose Diaz!]]\\
'''Headlines''': ''["BOO! You suck!"]'' [[AC:Is it Time for the Mets to Find Edwin Diaz' Replacement?]]\\
[[AC:Mets closer Edwin Diaz can't shake his mechanical issues]]
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Changed line(s) 249,251 (click to see context) from:
* While talking about the Habs' terrible trades and contract extensions in the 2017 offseason,[[note]]Losing Vadim Shipachyov to the Golden Knights, trading Nathan Beaulieu for a draft pick and giving injury-plagued defenceman Karl Alzner a five-year contract, losing Alex Radulov to the Stars after contract negotiations went badly, signing injury-plagued Ales Hemsky in free agency, losing Andrei Markov to the KHL after blowing contract negotiations, trading Markov's potential replacement Mikhail Sergachev for Jonathan Drouin, signing past-his-prime former Canadien Mark Streit, giving Carey Price a ludicrously overpriced eight-year contract extension, and failing to get an elite centre through trading or free agency and being stuck with Drouin for the role.[[/note]] Tree punctuates each one with footage of the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koEA1WjUXKE infamous moment in Game 2 of the 2000 Western Conference Quarterfinals]] when Bergevin, then a defenceman for the Blues, caught a shot on goal by the Sharks' Gary Suter in his glove - and ''threw it into his own goal''.[[note]]Suter was credited with the goal; the (eighth-seeded) Sharks won the game 4-2, and took the series in seven games.[[/note]] Each time, the blunder is accompanied by the ''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' "Mario hitting head on unbreakable block" sound effect.
* Near the end of the litany of Bergevin's horrible decisions on trades and contract extensions, we get to goalie [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carey_Price Carey Price]]:
-->'''UT''': It's time to deal with this Carey Price situation once and for all. The [[{{Pun}} price]] is right--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
* Near the end of the litany of Bergevin's horrible decisions on trades and contract extensions, we get to goalie [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carey_Price Carey Price]]:
-->'''UT''': It's time to deal with this Carey Price situation once and for all. The [[{{Pun}} price]] is right--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
to:
* While talking about the Habs' terrible trades and contract extensions in the 2017 offseason,[[note]]Losing Vadim Shipachyov to the Golden Knights, trading Nathan Beaulieu for a draft pick and giving injury-plagued defenceman Karl Alzner a five-year contract, losing Alex Radulov to the Stars after contract negotiations went badly, signing injury-plagued Ales Hemsky in free agency, losing Andrei Markov to the KHL after blowing contract negotiations, trading Markov's potential replacement Mikhail Sergachev for Jonathan Drouin, signing past-his-prime former Canadien Mark Streit, giving Carey Price a ludicrously overpriced eight-year contract extension, and failing to get an elite centre through trading or free agency and being stuck with Drouin for the role.[[/note]] offseason, Tree punctuates each one with footage of the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koEA1WjUXKE infamous moment in Game 2 of the 2000 Western Conference Quarterfinals]] when Bergevin, then a defenceman for the Blues, caught a shot on goal by the Sharks' Gary Suter in his glove - and ''threw it into his own goal''.[[note]]Suter was credited with the goal; the (eighth-seeded) Sharks won the game 4-2, and took the series in seven games.[[/note]] Each time, the blunder is accompanied by the ''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' "Mario hitting head on unbreakable block" sound effect.
* Near -->'''UT''': Vadim Shipachyov has been rumoured to go to Montreal for a few years now. Let's shore up our ''[Headline: Russian forward Vadim Shipachyov signs 2-year, $9M deal with Vegas]'' he signed with Vegas.\\
''[Bergevin throws theend of puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': Nathan Beaulieu? Bah! He is useless to us! Trade him for a third-round pick. We have thelitany prize of Bergevin's horrible decisions on trades free agency in our midst: Karl Alzner. Another physical defenceman with injury issues and doesn't solve our offensive woes. Five-year contract.\\
''[Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': Alex Radulov has been a massive success, but we have to save up some cap space. We can lowball him in free agency. What's this? He's about to sign in Dallas!? Quick! Let's simply match the contractextensions, we even though taxes are ''significantly'' higher in Canada!\\
''[Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': Shit, there isn't much to choose from in free agency now. ''[sighs]'' How about washed-up Ales Hemsky, he won't get injured again!\\
''[Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': Andrei Markov is a Montreal lifer and our power play quarterback but he's a fossil! One-year deal for him, he wants two years but he'll be back!\\
'''Headline''': ''["Oh NO!"]'' [[AC:Former Canadiens defenceman Markov signs with Russian club]]\\
'''UT''': You mean he's not coming back?...\\
''[Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': Mikhail Sergachev should be able togoalie replace Markov pretty easily, though.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Jonathan Drouin traded by Lightning to Canadiens for Mikhail Sergachev]]\\
'''UT''': Oh. Right. We traded him for Drouin.\\
''[Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': Uh... Mark... Streit? Welcome back to Montreal?\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Canadiens' Streit on waivers to terminate contract]]\\
''[Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': It's time to deal with this [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carey_Price CareyPrice]]:
-->'''UT''': It's time to deal with this Carey PricePrice]] situation once and for all. The [[{{Pun}} price]] is right--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\right--''[RecordNeedleScratch]''\\
''[Bergevin throws the
'''UT''': Nathan Beaulieu? Bah! He is useless to us! Trade him for a third-round pick. We have the
''[Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': Alex Radulov has been a massive success, but we have to save up some cap space. We can lowball him in free agency. What's this? He's about to sign in Dallas!? Quick! Let's simply match the contract
''[Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': Shit, there isn't much to choose from in free agency now. ''[sighs]'' How about washed-up Ales Hemsky, he won't get injured again!\\
''[Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': Andrei Markov is a Montreal lifer and our power play quarterback but he's a fossil! One-year deal for him, he wants two years but he'll be back!\\
'''Headline''': ''["Oh NO!"]'' [[AC:Former Canadiens defenceman Markov signs with Russian club]]\\
'''UT''': You mean he's not coming back?...\\
''[Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': Mikhail Sergachev should be able to
'''Headline''': [[AC:Jonathan Drouin traded by Lightning to Canadiens for Mikhail Sergachev]]\\
'''UT''': Oh. Right. We traded him for Drouin.\\
''[Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': Uh... Mark... Streit? Welcome back to Montreal?\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Canadiens' Streit on waivers to terminate contract]]\\
''[Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': It's time to deal with this [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carey_Price Carey
-->'''UT''': It's time to deal with this Carey Price
Changed line(s) 253,255 (click to see context) from:
'''SFX''': ''(Series/ThePriceIsRight LosingHorns)''\\
'''UT''': ''(loud, shocked coughing)'' [--HOLY SHIT, BERGEVIN, HOW MUCH DID YOU DRINK?!--]
'''UT''': ''(loud, shocked coughing)'' [--HOLY SHIT, BERGEVIN, HOW MUCH DID YOU DRINK?!--]
to:
'''SFX''': ''(Series/ThePriceIsRight LosingHorns)''\\
''[Series/ThePriceIsRight LosingHorns]''\\
'''UT''':''(loud, ''[loud, shocked coughing)'' coughing]'' [--HOLY SHIT, BERGEVIN, HOW MUCH DID YOU DRINK?!--]
DRINK?!--]\\
''[Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': The Canadiens still lack an elite centre. They fail to get one through free agency or by trade. Meh, just put new acquisition Jonathan Drouin as the 1C, he's a natural winger, but fuck it. Baptism by fire! ''[the Canadiens are scored on by the Ducks to the ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog1'' death sound effect]''
'''UT''':
''[Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]''\\
'''UT''': The Canadiens still lack an elite centre. They fail to get one through free agency or by trade. Meh, just put new acquisition Jonathan Drouin as the 1C, he's a natural winger, but fuck it. Baptism by fire! ''[the Canadiens are scored on by the Ducks to the ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog1'' death sound effect]''
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Changed line(s) 224 (click to see context) from:
'''UT''': How were we supposed to know this would happen to those three!? Fucking nerds... ''[screen wipe]'' Remember that Kyle Quincey guy we told to fuck off a few years ago? Turns out he's good now! Let's re-acquire him for a first-round pick! ''[screen wipe]'' That pick turned out to be Andrei Vasilevskiy.[[note]]Vezina-nominated goaltender for the Tampa Bay Lightning.[[/note]] Is this supposed to be reparations for refusing to budge for Yzerman? It's okay, let's sign Quincy to an extension. ''[a headline announces his two-year, $8.5 million extension; screen wipe]'' In fact, we're on a spending spree! Jimmy Howard is our rock! Have some money for six years, boy! ''[screen wipe]'' Jim Nill is a Red Wing for life! He will never leave us.\\
to:
'''UT''': How were we supposed to know this would happen to those three!? Fucking nerds... ''[screen wipe]'' Remember that Kyle Quincey guy we told to fuck off a few years ago? Turns out he's good now! Let's re-acquire him for a first-round pick! ''[screen wipe]'' That pick turned out to be Andrei Vasilevskiy.[[note]]Vezina-nominated goaltender for the Tampa Bay Lightning.[[/note]] Is this supposed to be reparations for refusing to budge for Yzerman? It's okay, let's sign Quincy Quincey to an extension. ''[a headline announces his two-year, $8.5 million extension; screen wipe]'' In fact, we're on a spending spree! Jimmy Howard is our rock! Have some money for six years, boy! ''[screen wipe]'' Jim Nill is a Red Wing for life! He will never leave us.\\
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Added DiffLines:
!![[AC:The Detroit Red Wings: Decline and Fall of an Empire]]
* Okay, so Ken Holland refusing to be KickedUpstairs in favour of Red Wings legend Steve Yzerman as general manager resulted in Stevie Y joining the Lightning as GM in 2010. But the Red Wings still have a talented roster and can attract top class free agents, right?... Right?...
-->'''UT''': ''[screen wipe]'' Remember when the Red Wings had Borje Salming and Bernie Federko that one year?[[note]]"That one year" being 1989-90.[[/note]] It's time to bring back the magic. Mike Modano, lead us to glory! ''[a headline announces Modano's one-year deal with the Wings]''\\
'''Caption''': ''[to Windows 95 "Chord" sound effect]''[[note]]For those not old enough to remember Windows 95, "Chord" was the default sound effect for warning messages.[[/note]] [[AC:Ineffective and injury-prone, Forgettable final season.]]\\
'''UT''': ''[screen wipe]'' Todd Bertuzzi is ageing rapidly, but still producing? Extend him! ''[a headline announces Bertuzzi's two-year extension]''\\
'''Caption''': ''["Chord"]'' [[AC:Numerous injuries after extension, steep decline in performance.]]\\
'''UT''': ''[screen wipe]'' Niklas Kronwall is one of our legends! It's time for a nice reward. ''[headlines anounce his...]'' Seven-year contract on a $4.75 million cap hit. [[TemptingFate Physical defencemen don't fall off of a cliff, right?]] ''[screen wipe]'' I mean, look at the contract we gave to Zetterberg! $6 million cap hit until he's 40! What a stud! ''[screen wipe]'' We have the new heir to Lidstrom: Ian White! ''[a headline announces his two-year contract; after a screen wipe, a second headline announces his departure]'' He sucks too? It's not like he shit on Bettman or anything ''[Headline: Red Wings' Ian White calls Gary Bettman an 'idiot'] [Caption: [[TakeThat AKA: Common sense]]]'' [[InstantlyProvenWrong aaaand he did.]] ''[screen wipe]'' Shit, we need to block the prospects from making the team... mmm, ehh, how about... Carlo Colaiacovo, Jordin Tootoo, and... bringing back Mikael Samuelsson.\\
'''Headlines''': [[AC:Carlo Colaiacovo signs two-year deal with Detroit Red Wings]]\\
[[AC:Red Wings sign disturber Jordin Tootoo to three-year deal worth $1.9 million per season]]\\
[[AC:Red Wings bring back forward Mikael Samuelsson on two-year deal]]\\
'''UT''': That'll do it. ''[screen wipe; the "dumpster fire" GIF appears over footage of the Red Wings throwing away a 3-1 series lead over the Blackhawks in the 2013 Stanley Cup playoffs]''\\
'''Headlines''': ''[SickeningCrunch and StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Wings to use buyout on Colaiacovo]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch and StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Detroit Red Wings to buy out Jordin Tootoo]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch and StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Red Wings place Mikael Samuelsson on waivers]]\\
'''UT''': How were we supposed to know this would happen to those three!? Fucking nerds... ''[screen wipe]'' Remember that Kyle Quincey guy we told to fuck off a few years ago? Turns out he's good now! Let's re-acquire him for a first-round pick! ''[screen wipe]'' That pick turned out to be Andrei Vasilevskiy.[[note]]Vezina-nominated goaltender for the Tampa Bay Lightning.[[/note]] Is this supposed to be reparations for refusing to budge for Yzerman? It's okay, let's sign Quincy to an extension. ''[a headline announces his two-year, $8.5 million extension; screen wipe]'' In fact, we're on a spending spree! Jimmy Howard is our rock! Have some money for six years, boy! ''[screen wipe]'' Jim Nill is a Red Wing for life! He will never leave us.\\
'''Headline''': ''["Chord"]'' [[AC:Dallas Stars announce hiring of Jim Nill as new general manager]]\\
'''UT''': ''[screen wipe]'' That Modano signing worked out so well for us that we need to bring in another legend. Even better: ''a Swede''. Danny Alfredsson, baby! ''[a headline announces Alfredsson's one-year contract]''\\
'''Caption''': ''["Chord"]'' [[AC:Does not win cup, retires at season's end.]]\\
'''UT''': ''[screen wipe]'' We locked up Johan Franzen to a nice eleven-year deal. This won't backfire on us.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Red Wings' Franzen (head) out indefinitely -- again]]\\
'''UT''': Nope. Not at all. ''[screen wipe]'' We now have the future replacement for Datsyuk: Stephen Weiss. ''[a headline announces his five-year contract; screen wipe]'' What the hell d'you mean he gets injured a lot, sucks chunks, and has to be bought out!? ''[headlines confirm this]'' Get out of here with that garbage! ''[screen wipe]'' Dan Cleary has settled into organisational cheerleader very nicely.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Daniel Cleary to sign with Red Wings on one-year deal]]\\
'''UT''': Let's overpay him for another year! ''[screen wipe]''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Detroit Red Wings sign forward Daniel Cleary to a one-year contract]]\\
'''UT''': And again... ''[screen wipe]''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Red Wings re-sign Daniel Cleary to one-year deal]]\\
'''UT''': ... and again. ''[screen wipe]'' Jonathan Ericsson is a nice third pairing defenceman nearing the end of his prime. Let's overpay the shit out of him! ''[a headline announces his six-year, $25.5 million contract]'' And have a complimentary no-trade clause for the trouble! ''[screen wipe]'' We need to keep the streak alive at all costs. Time to trade for washed up David Legwand! ''[a headline confirms this; a screen wipe shows the Red Wings losing to the Bruins in five games in the first round in 2014]'' The streak is ALIVE! ''[screen wipe]'' We need to keep the streak alive at all costs. Time to trade for washed up Erik Cole!\\
'''Headline''': ''["Chord"]'' [[AC:Erik Cole done with Red Wings after spinal contusion]]\\
'''UT''': ''[screen wipe; the Red Wings lose Game 7 to the Lightning in the first round in 2015]'' THE STREAK LIVES! It's so beautiful... ''[screen wipe]'' We need another old man because our prospects haven't gestated for five years yet. Brad Richards, [[Series/ThePriceIsRight come on down!]] ''[a headline announces his one-year contract; screen wipe]'' The fans miss Lidstrom, huh. Well, how about Mike Green? [[TriviallyObvious He does things!]] Have a shitload of money! ''[three years and $18 million, to be exact; a screen wipe shows the Red Wings losing to the Lightning in five games in the first round ''again'' in 2016]'' The streak continues with one playoff win! A brilliant sendoff for Datsyuk. Time to reward our great players! ''[screen wipe]'' Justin Abdelkader is ''really'' starting to develop into a nice top six anchor. It's time for the local boy to get a payday! Seven-year extension at a [-$4.2 million cap hit for fucking ''Abdelkader!?''-] ''[screen wipe]'' We can't have Darren Helm leave! Who will be our assistant leader on injured reserve? Four million dollars for five years should do it. ''[screen wipe]'' NOW we have the replacement for Datsyuk: 32-year-old Frans Nielsen! ''[a headline confirms his six-year, $31.5 million contract]'' He made the All-Star team, though... long live the Empire? ''[screen wipe]'' Danny boy, just write a number on this blank cheque with the number of years you want; we will do the rest. ''[per a headline, [=DeKeyser=] wrote "6" in the blank and "$30 million" for the price tag]'' Have a no-trade clause too! ''[screen wipe]'' Luke Glendening is a nice find as a fourth-liner.\\
'''Headline''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' [[AC:Luke Glendening signs 4-year, $7.2M extension with Red Wings]]\\
'''UT''': And you signed ''him'' to a bloated extension... ''[screen wipe]'' Drew Miller is still here? Didn't he get cut a few years ago? ''[screen wipe; the Red Wings lose to the Wild in the 2016-17 regular season]'' And the streak is over. Maybe they'll realise the course they're going on will lead to disaster- nah, that would use too many brain cells. Let's go all in on Trevor Daley! ''[three years, $9.5 million, to be exact; screen wipe]'' At least Athanasiou is a good player. Nice depth piece to aid a playoff contender. ''[unfortunately, as a graphic of the Red Wings' cap numbers reveals...]'' And you don't have the cap space to pay for him. ''[followed by a tweet that reveals...]'' And he's fucking off to Russia. ''[sighs, pounds desk]'' [-HOLLAND, GIVE ME BACK MY LEGIONS!-]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Have fun dealing with Mantha and Larkin next year.]]
* Okay, so Ken Holland refusing to be KickedUpstairs in favour of Red Wings legend Steve Yzerman as general manager resulted in Stevie Y joining the Lightning as GM in 2010. But the Red Wings still have a talented roster and can attract top class free agents, right?... Right?...
-->'''UT''': ''[screen wipe]'' Remember when the Red Wings had Borje Salming and Bernie Federko that one year?[[note]]"That one year" being 1989-90.[[/note]] It's time to bring back the magic. Mike Modano, lead us to glory! ''[a headline announces Modano's one-year deal with the Wings]''\\
'''Caption''': ''[to Windows 95 "Chord" sound effect]''[[note]]For those not old enough to remember Windows 95, "Chord" was the default sound effect for warning messages.[[/note]] [[AC:Ineffective and injury-prone, Forgettable final season.]]\\
'''UT''': ''[screen wipe]'' Todd Bertuzzi is ageing rapidly, but still producing? Extend him! ''[a headline announces Bertuzzi's two-year extension]''\\
'''Caption''': ''["Chord"]'' [[AC:Numerous injuries after extension, steep decline in performance.]]\\
'''UT''': ''[screen wipe]'' Niklas Kronwall is one of our legends! It's time for a nice reward. ''[headlines anounce his...]'' Seven-year contract on a $4.75 million cap hit. [[TemptingFate Physical defencemen don't fall off of a cliff, right?]] ''[screen wipe]'' I mean, look at the contract we gave to Zetterberg! $6 million cap hit until he's 40! What a stud! ''[screen wipe]'' We have the new heir to Lidstrom: Ian White! ''[a headline announces his two-year contract; after a screen wipe, a second headline announces his departure]'' He sucks too? It's not like he shit on Bettman or anything ''[Headline: Red Wings' Ian White calls Gary Bettman an 'idiot'] [Caption: [[TakeThat AKA: Common sense]]]'' [[InstantlyProvenWrong aaaand he did.]] ''[screen wipe]'' Shit, we need to block the prospects from making the team... mmm, ehh, how about... Carlo Colaiacovo, Jordin Tootoo, and... bringing back Mikael Samuelsson.\\
'''Headlines''': [[AC:Carlo Colaiacovo signs two-year deal with Detroit Red Wings]]\\
[[AC:Red Wings sign disturber Jordin Tootoo to three-year deal worth $1.9 million per season]]\\
[[AC:Red Wings bring back forward Mikael Samuelsson on two-year deal]]\\
'''UT''': That'll do it. ''[screen wipe; the "dumpster fire" GIF appears over footage of the Red Wings throwing away a 3-1 series lead over the Blackhawks in the 2013 Stanley Cup playoffs]''\\
'''Headlines''': ''[SickeningCrunch and StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Wings to use buyout on Colaiacovo]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch and StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Detroit Red Wings to buy out Jordin Tootoo]]\\
''[SickeningCrunch and StockScream of agony]'' [[AC:Red Wings place Mikael Samuelsson on waivers]]\\
'''UT''': How were we supposed to know this would happen to those three!? Fucking nerds... ''[screen wipe]'' Remember that Kyle Quincey guy we told to fuck off a few years ago? Turns out he's good now! Let's re-acquire him for a first-round pick! ''[screen wipe]'' That pick turned out to be Andrei Vasilevskiy.[[note]]Vezina-nominated goaltender for the Tampa Bay Lightning.[[/note]] Is this supposed to be reparations for refusing to budge for Yzerman? It's okay, let's sign Quincy to an extension. ''[a headline announces his two-year, $8.5 million extension; screen wipe]'' In fact, we're on a spending spree! Jimmy Howard is our rock! Have some money for six years, boy! ''[screen wipe]'' Jim Nill is a Red Wing for life! He will never leave us.\\
'''Headline''': ''["Chord"]'' [[AC:Dallas Stars announce hiring of Jim Nill as new general manager]]\\
'''UT''': ''[screen wipe]'' That Modano signing worked out so well for us that we need to bring in another legend. Even better: ''a Swede''. Danny Alfredsson, baby! ''[a headline announces Alfredsson's one-year contract]''\\
'''Caption''': ''["Chord"]'' [[AC:Does not win cup, retires at season's end.]]\\
'''UT''': ''[screen wipe]'' We locked up Johan Franzen to a nice eleven-year deal. This won't backfire on us.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Red Wings' Franzen (head) out indefinitely -- again]]\\
'''UT''': Nope. Not at all. ''[screen wipe]'' We now have the future replacement for Datsyuk: Stephen Weiss. ''[a headline announces his five-year contract; screen wipe]'' What the hell d'you mean he gets injured a lot, sucks chunks, and has to be bought out!? ''[headlines confirm this]'' Get out of here with that garbage! ''[screen wipe]'' Dan Cleary has settled into organisational cheerleader very nicely.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Daniel Cleary to sign with Red Wings on one-year deal]]\\
'''UT''': Let's overpay him for another year! ''[screen wipe]''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Detroit Red Wings sign forward Daniel Cleary to a one-year contract]]\\
'''UT''': And again... ''[screen wipe]''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Red Wings re-sign Daniel Cleary to one-year deal]]\\
'''UT''': ... and again. ''[screen wipe]'' Jonathan Ericsson is a nice third pairing defenceman nearing the end of his prime. Let's overpay the shit out of him! ''[a headline announces his six-year, $25.5 million contract]'' And have a complimentary no-trade clause for the trouble! ''[screen wipe]'' We need to keep the streak alive at all costs. Time to trade for washed up David Legwand! ''[a headline confirms this; a screen wipe shows the Red Wings losing to the Bruins in five games in the first round in 2014]'' The streak is ALIVE! ''[screen wipe]'' We need to keep the streak alive at all costs. Time to trade for washed up Erik Cole!\\
'''Headline''': ''["Chord"]'' [[AC:Erik Cole done with Red Wings after spinal contusion]]\\
'''UT''': ''[screen wipe; the Red Wings lose Game 7 to the Lightning in the first round in 2015]'' THE STREAK LIVES! It's so beautiful... ''[screen wipe]'' We need another old man because our prospects haven't gestated for five years yet. Brad Richards, [[Series/ThePriceIsRight come on down!]] ''[a headline announces his one-year contract; screen wipe]'' The fans miss Lidstrom, huh. Well, how about Mike Green? [[TriviallyObvious He does things!]] Have a shitload of money! ''[three years and $18 million, to be exact; a screen wipe shows the Red Wings losing to the Lightning in five games in the first round ''again'' in 2016]'' The streak continues with one playoff win! A brilliant sendoff for Datsyuk. Time to reward our great players! ''[screen wipe]'' Justin Abdelkader is ''really'' starting to develop into a nice top six anchor. It's time for the local boy to get a payday! Seven-year extension at a [-$4.2 million cap hit for fucking ''Abdelkader!?''-] ''[screen wipe]'' We can't have Darren Helm leave! Who will be our assistant leader on injured reserve? Four million dollars for five years should do it. ''[screen wipe]'' NOW we have the replacement for Datsyuk: 32-year-old Frans Nielsen! ''[a headline confirms his six-year, $31.5 million contract]'' He made the All-Star team, though... long live the Empire? ''[screen wipe]'' Danny boy, just write a number on this blank cheque with the number of years you want; we will do the rest. ''[per a headline, [=DeKeyser=] wrote "6" in the blank and "$30 million" for the price tag]'' Have a no-trade clause too! ''[screen wipe]'' Luke Glendening is a nice find as a fourth-liner.\\
'''Headline''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' [[AC:Luke Glendening signs 4-year, $7.2M extension with Red Wings]]\\
'''UT''': And you signed ''him'' to a bloated extension... ''[screen wipe]'' Drew Miller is still here? Didn't he get cut a few years ago? ''[screen wipe; the Red Wings lose to the Wild in the 2016-17 regular season]'' And the streak is over. Maybe they'll realise the course they're going on will lead to disaster- nah, that would use too many brain cells. Let's go all in on Trevor Daley! ''[three years, $9.5 million, to be exact; screen wipe]'' At least Athanasiou is a good player. Nice depth piece to aid a playoff contender. ''[unfortunately, as a graphic of the Red Wings' cap numbers reveals...]'' And you don't have the cap space to pay for him. ''[followed by a tweet that reveals...]'' And he's fucking off to Russia. ''[sighs, pounds desk]'' [-HOLLAND, GIVE ME BACK MY LEGIONS!-]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Have fun dealing with Mantha and Larkin next year.]]
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Changed line(s) 327 (click to see context) from:
[[AC:"[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you!" [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]][[note]]The Lakers lost the game in question 136-94, the biggest losing margin of [=LeBron's=] career. As for Ingram, sure enough, when the Lakers made another move for Davis in free agency - this one successful - Ingram was included in the package given to the Pelicans, along with Lonzo Ball, Josh Hart, and three first-round picks (including the fourth overall pick).[[/note]]
to:
[[AC:"[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you!" [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]][[note]]The Lakers lost the game in question 136-94, the biggest losing margin of [=LeBron's=] career. As for Ingram, sure enough, when the Lakers made another move for Davis in free agency - this one successful - Ingram he was included in the package given to the Pelicans, along with Lonzo Ball, Josh Hart, and three first-round picks (including the fourth overall pick).[[/note]]
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Changed line(s) 327 (click to see context) from:
[[AC:"[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you!" [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]][[note]]The Lakers lost the game in question 136-94, the biggest losing margin of [=LeBron's=] career.[[/note]]
to:
[[AC:"[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you!" [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]][[note]]The Lakers lost the game in question 136-94, the biggest losing margin of [=LeBron's=] career. As for Ingram, sure enough, when the Lakers made another move for Davis in free agency - this one successful - Ingram was included in the package given to the Pelicans, along with Lonzo Ball, Josh Hart, and three first-round picks (including the fourth overall pick).[[/note]]
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* The Lakers have been in a tailspin since the death of longtime owner Jerry Buss and the career decline of Kobe Bryant. Buss is initially succeeded by his son Jim, who mismanages the team for four years before being ousted by his younger sister Jeanie. Unfortunately, her solution to reviving the team's fortunes is to bring in names from the glory days, such as Magic Johnson as president and Rob Pelinka, former agent of Kobe Bryant, as general manager. Still, they have some promising players in Lonzo Ball, Brandon Ingram, Julius Randle, and Kyle Kuzma; a big name or two might be all the team needs to crystallise. Unfortunately, they struggle to get any big names to sign on:
to:
* The Lakers have been in a tailspin since the death of longtime owner Jerry Buss and the career decline of Kobe Bryant. Buss is initially succeeded by his son Jim, who mismanages the team for four years before being ousted by his younger sister Jeanie. Unfortunately, her solution to reviving the team's fortunes is to bring in names from the glory days, such as Magic Johnson as president and Rob Pelinka, former agent of Kobe Bryant, as general manager. Still, they have some promising players in Lonzo Ball, Brandon Ingram, Julius Randle, and Kyle Kuzma; a big name or two might be all the team needs to crystallise. Unfortunately, they struggle to get any However, getting big names to sign on:proves easier said than done:
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Changed line(s) 281 (click to see context) from:
-->'''UT''': Look at all the names they could get! Paul George! Local product, has dreamed of playing for the Lakers ''[a blurb about George growing up as a fan of the ''Clippers'', not the Lakers, appears with the caption "ERM... CLIPPERS?"]'' since he was a boy, a perfect fit!\\
to:
-->'''UT''': Look at all of the names they could get! Paul George! Local product, has dreamed of playing for the Lakers ''[a blurb about George growing up as a fan of the ''Clippers'', not the Lakers, appears with the caption "ERM... CLIPPERS?"]'' since he was a boy, a perfect fit!\\
Changed line(s) 285 (click to see context) from:
'''UT''': But doesn't matter, they can get Kawhi Leonard! ''[various headlines concerning Leonard's desire to leave San Antonio appear]'' Disgruntled player demanding a trade, and LA has the pieces to get it done! Unfortunately, Toronto did too.\\
to:
'''UT''': That should say it all. But doesn't matter, they can get Kawhi Leonard! ''[various headlines concerning Leonard's desire to leave San Antonio appear]'' Disgruntled player demanding a trade, and LA has the pieces to get it done! Unfortunately, Toronto did too.\\
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* With the arrival of [=LeBron=] James in free agency in 2018, the stage is surely set for the Lakers' return to relevance, if they can get the right pieces around him. However...
to:
* With The Lakers have been in a tailspin since the arrival death of longtime owner Jerry Buss and the career decline of Kobe Bryant. Buss is initially succeeded by his son Jim, who mismanages the team for four years before being ousted by his younger sister Jeanie. Unfortunately, her solution to reviving the team's fortunes is to bring in names from the glory days, such as Magic Johnson as president and Rob Pelinka, former agent of Kobe Bryant, as general manager. Still, they have some promising players in Lonzo Ball, Brandon Ingram, Julius Randle, and Kyle Kuzma; a big name or two might be all the team needs to crystallise. Unfortunately, they struggle to get any big names to sign on:
-->'''UT''': Look at all the names they could get! Paul George! Local product, has dreamed of playing for the Lakers ''[a blurb about George growing up as a fan of the ''Clippers'', not the Lakers, appears with the caption "ERM... CLIPPERS?"]'' since he was a boy, a perfect fit!\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Paul George agrees to re-sign with Thunder on four-year, $137 million deal]]\\
'''UT''': To go right back to Oklahoma City. [=PG13=] chose playing second fiddle to a glorified stat pad over going to the Lakers.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:NBA Rumors: Paul George spurned Lakers after talking with Corey Brewer]]\\
'''UT''': But doesn't matter, they can get Kawhi Leonard! ''[various headlines concerning Leonard's desire to leave San Antonio appear]'' Disgruntled player demanding a trade, and LA has the pieces to get it done! Unfortunately, Toronto did too.\\
'''Headline''': ''[over footage of Leonard in a Raptors jersey laughing at a press conference]'' [[AC:San Antonio Spurs trade Kawhi Leonard to Toronto Raptors for [=DeMar DeRozan=], others]]\\
'''UT''': Hey, how about Boogie Cousins? Coming off a major injury, but he should be ''[sound of glass breaking]'' he signed with ''Golden State'', are you ''fucking'' kidding!?\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:[=DeMarcus=] Cousins, Warriors Agree to Reported 1-Year, $5.3 Million Contract]]\\
'''UT''': How are we supposed to compete with the Warriors now?!
* But not to worry - [=LeBron=] James signs with the Lakers in freeagency agency! True, it's more because of his sideline in 2018, film and TV production than because the Lakers made an irresistible sales pitch, but the stage is surely set for the Lakers' return to relevance, if they can get the right pieces around him. However...
-->'''UT''': Look at all the names they could get! Paul George! Local product, has dreamed of playing for the Lakers ''[a blurb about George growing up as a fan of the ''Clippers'', not the Lakers, appears with the caption "ERM... CLIPPERS?"]'' since he was a boy, a perfect fit!\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Paul George agrees to re-sign with Thunder on four-year, $137 million deal]]\\
'''UT''': To go right back to Oklahoma City. [=PG13=] chose playing second fiddle to a glorified stat pad over going to the Lakers.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:NBA Rumors: Paul George spurned Lakers after talking with Corey Brewer]]\\
'''UT''': But doesn't matter, they can get Kawhi Leonard! ''[various headlines concerning Leonard's desire to leave San Antonio appear]'' Disgruntled player demanding a trade, and LA has the pieces to get it done! Unfortunately, Toronto did too.\\
'''Headline''': ''[over footage of Leonard in a Raptors jersey laughing at a press conference]'' [[AC:San Antonio Spurs trade Kawhi Leonard to Toronto Raptors for [=DeMar DeRozan=], others]]\\
'''UT''': Hey, how about Boogie Cousins? Coming off a major injury, but he should be ''[sound of glass breaking]'' he signed with ''Golden State'', are you ''fucking'' kidding!?\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:[=DeMarcus=] Cousins, Warriors Agree to Reported 1-Year, $5.3 Million Contract]]\\
'''UT''': How are we supposed to compete with the Warriors now?!
* But not to worry - [=LeBron=] James signs with the Lakers in free
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* [=LeBron's=] "Playoff mode" falls way short of expectations, and a FailureMontage immediately follows, interspersed with "That was a disaster", "Oh he's gonna feel that one", and "Nope!". When the Lakers are eliminated, a screen with "Critical Mission Failure" appears, with a voiceover saying "Mission failed! We'll get them next time."
to:
* [=LeBron's=] "Playoff mode" falls way short of expectations, and a FailureMontage immediately follows, follows,[[note]]An offensive foul in the final seconds of a 110-105 loss to the Grizzlies, two missed free throws in the final minute of a 118-109 loss to the Suns, a missed basket in the fourth quarter of a 113-105 loss to the Clippers, a defensive foul in the fourth quarter of a 115-99 loss to the Nuggets, and a failed attempt to shoot a buzzer beater in a 124-123 loss to the Knicks.[[/note]] interspersed with "That was a disaster", "Oh he's gonna feel that one", and "Nope!". When the Lakers are eliminated, a screen with "Critical Mission Failure" appears, with a voiceover saying "Mission failed! We'll get them next time."
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Changed line(s) 315,317 (click to see context) from:
'''Caption''': ''[the words appearing in time with Pacers fans chanting]'' [[AC:[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you! [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]]\\
[[AC:[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you! [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]]\\
[[AC:[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you! [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]][[note]]The Lakers lost the game in question 136-94, the biggest losing margin of [=LeBron's=] career.[[/note]]
[[AC:[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you! [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]]\\
[[AC:[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you! [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]][[note]]The Lakers lost the game in question 136-94, the biggest losing margin of [=LeBron's=] career.[[/note]]
to:
'''Caption''': ''[the words appearing in time with Pacers fans chanting]'' [[AC:[=LeBron's=] [[AC:"[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you! you!" [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]]\\
[[AC:[=LeBron's=] [[AC:"[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you! you!" [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]]\\
[[AC:[=LeBron's=] [[AC:"[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you! you!" [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]][[note]]The Lakers lost the game in question 136-94, the biggest losing margin of [=LeBron's=] career.[[/note]]
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* But [=LeBron=] is starting to show his age and is sidelined with a groin injury. Lakers upper management decide to bring Anthony Davis and his unibrow from New Orleans to Los Angeles. Unfortunately, things don't go as planned:
-->'''UT''': Anthony Davis was tired of the Pelicans and their incompetence.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Anthony Davis won't re-sign with Pelicans, demands trade, team confirms]]\\
'''UT''': He demanded a trade to a ''real'' team, a true contender for championship glory! The Lakers were that.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Report: Lakers, Pelicans talking Anthony Davis trade]]\\
'''UT''': They had the pieces to do it. Kyle Kuzma, Brandon Ingram, Lonzo Ball, and Ivica Zubac had some value, future picks! ''[a tweet from ''Los Angeles Times'' sportswriter Brad Turner reports that five different trade packages have been put before Pelicans GM Dell Demps]'' A package could be made of some of these for a reasonable offer, but '''no''', Magic and Rob wanted to get it done quickly. ''[another tweet from Turner reports that the Lakers are trying to beat the Celtics to getting Davis before the summer]'' You talk about overpayments, the Lakers ended up offering '''the entire team''' to New Orleans! ''[a third tweet from Turner reports that the Lakers offered the Pelicans Ball, Kuzma, Ingram, Beasley, Stephenson, Rondo, and two first round picks for Davis and Solomon Hill]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Excuse me... what?]]\\
'''UT''': ''And'' a bevy of future first-round picks.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Seriously, what is this deal?]]\\
'''UT''': ''And'' be willing to eat a terrible contract in Solomon Hill!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:What is the need for a team? We have two players!]]\\
'''UT''': It was pure desperation, and only a ''fool'' would reject such an offer. Unfortunately, Dell Demps ''was'' a fool and laughed in their faces.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Lakers pull out of Anthony Davis trade talks amid 'outrageous' requests by Pelicans]]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Fuck it, I want four first round picks and a share of [[Film/AvengersEndgame Endgame]]'s box office revenues!]]\\
'''UT''': Dell sacrificed his career for IRL shitposting.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:The Pelicans fired GM Dell Demps amid the chaotic Anthony Davis saga. He deserved to go.]]\\
'''UT''': A true hero for us all.
* And with the Lakers having inadvertently made it clear that they see most of their roster as mere trade fodder, opposing fans show no mercy:
-->'''UT''': Even worse, the botched Unibrow trade had far more unintended consequences.\\
''[Brandon Ingram prepares to shoot a free throw in the first quarter of a game in Indiana]''\\
'''Caption''': ''[the words appearing in time with Pacers fans chanting]'' [[AC:[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you! [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]]\\
[[AC:[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you! [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]]\\
[[AC:[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you! [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]][[note]]The Lakers lost the game in question 136-94, the biggest losing margin of [=LeBron's=] career.[[/note]]
-->'''UT''': Anthony Davis was tired of the Pelicans and their incompetence.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Anthony Davis won't re-sign with Pelicans, demands trade, team confirms]]\\
'''UT''': He demanded a trade to a ''real'' team, a true contender for championship glory! The Lakers were that.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Report: Lakers, Pelicans talking Anthony Davis trade]]\\
'''UT''': They had the pieces to do it. Kyle Kuzma, Brandon Ingram, Lonzo Ball, and Ivica Zubac had some value, future picks! ''[a tweet from ''Los Angeles Times'' sportswriter Brad Turner reports that five different trade packages have been put before Pelicans GM Dell Demps]'' A package could be made of some of these for a reasonable offer, but '''no''', Magic and Rob wanted to get it done quickly. ''[another tweet from Turner reports that the Lakers are trying to beat the Celtics to getting Davis before the summer]'' You talk about overpayments, the Lakers ended up offering '''the entire team''' to New Orleans! ''[a third tweet from Turner reports that the Lakers offered the Pelicans Ball, Kuzma, Ingram, Beasley, Stephenson, Rondo, and two first round picks for Davis and Solomon Hill]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Excuse me... what?]]\\
'''UT''': ''And'' a bevy of future first-round picks.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Seriously, what is this deal?]]\\
'''UT''': ''And'' be willing to eat a terrible contract in Solomon Hill!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:What is the need for a team? We have two players!]]\\
'''UT''': It was pure desperation, and only a ''fool'' would reject such an offer. Unfortunately, Dell Demps ''was'' a fool and laughed in their faces.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Lakers pull out of Anthony Davis trade talks amid 'outrageous' requests by Pelicans]]\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Fuck it, I want four first round picks and a share of [[Film/AvengersEndgame Endgame]]'s box office revenues!]]\\
'''UT''': Dell sacrificed his career for IRL shitposting.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:The Pelicans fired GM Dell Demps amid the chaotic Anthony Davis saga. He deserved to go.]]\\
'''UT''': A true hero for us all.
* And with the Lakers having inadvertently made it clear that they see most of their roster as mere trade fodder, opposing fans show no mercy:
-->'''UT''': Even worse, the botched Unibrow trade had far more unintended consequences.\\
''[Brandon Ingram prepares to shoot a free throw in the first quarter of a game in Indiana]''\\
'''Caption''': ''[the words appearing in time with Pacers fans chanting]'' [[AC:[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you! [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]]\\
[[AC:[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you! [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]]\\
[[AC:[=LeBron's=] gonna trade you! [=*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*=]]][[note]]The Lakers lost the game in question 136-94, the biggest losing margin of [=LeBron's=] career.[[/note]]
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* With the arrival of [=LeBron=] James in free agency in 2018, the stage is surely set for the Lakers' return to relevance, if they can get the right pieces around him. However...
-->'''UT''': As for the cast of characters you will aid him with...\\
'''Headline''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:Lakers Sign Rajon Rondo To One-Year Deal]]\\
'''UT''': Rajon Rondo?\\
'''Headline''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:NBA Free Agency: Lakers officially sign Lance Stephenson]]\\
'''UT''': Lance Stephenson?\\
'''Headline''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:[=JaVale McGee=] decides to join forces with [=LeBron=] James and the Lakers]]\\
'''UT''': [=JaVale McGee=]!?\\
'''Headline''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:Lakers Sign Michael Beasley]]\\
'''UT''': Michael Beasley?!\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Kentavious Caldwell-Pope reportedly signs $12 million deal with Lakers]]\\
'''UT''': You brought back KCP but allowed Julius Randle to leave for the ''Pelicans!?''\\
'''Headlines''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:Report: Julius Randle, Pelicans Agree to Contract After 4 Seasons with Lakers]]\\
[[AC:Lakers' Coach on Last Offseason's Decisions: 'What the F*** Are We Doing?']]\\
'''UT''': For God's sake, you were supposed to bring in a legit supporting cast, not Film/TheExpendables!
-->'''UT''': As for the cast of characters you will aid him with...\\
'''Headline''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:Lakers Sign Rajon Rondo To One-Year Deal]]\\
'''UT''': Rajon Rondo?\\
'''Headline''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:NBA Free Agency: Lakers officially sign Lance Stephenson]]\\
'''UT''': Lance Stephenson?\\
'''Headline''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:[=JaVale McGee=] decides to join forces with [=LeBron=] James and the Lakers]]\\
'''UT''': [=JaVale McGee=]!?\\
'''Headline''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:Lakers Sign Michael Beasley]]\\
'''UT''': Michael Beasley?!\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Kentavious Caldwell-Pope reportedly signs $12 million deal with Lakers]]\\
'''UT''': You brought back KCP but allowed Julius Randle to leave for the ''Pelicans!?''\\
'''Headlines''': ''[musical sting]'' [[AC:Report: Julius Randle, Pelicans Agree to Contract After 4 Seasons with Lakers]]\\
[[AC:Lakers' Coach on Last Offseason's Decisions: 'What the F*** Are We Doing?']]\\
'''UT''': For God's sake, you were supposed to bring in a legit supporting cast, not Film/TheExpendables!
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Changed line(s) 280 (click to see context) from:
* LeBron's "Playoff mode" falls way short of expectations, and a FailMontage immediately follows, interspersed with "That was a disaster", "Oh he's gonna feel that one", and "Nope!". When the Lakers are eliminated, a screen with "Critical Mission Failure" appears, with a voiceover saying "Mission failed! We'll get them next time."
to:
* LeBron's [=LeBron's=] "Playoff mode" falls way short of expectations, and a FailMontage FailureMontage immediately follows, interspersed with "That was a disaster", "Oh he's gonna feel that one", and "Nope!". When the Lakers are eliminated, a screen with "Critical Mission Failure" appears, with a voiceover saying "Mission failed! We'll get them next time."
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I leave it to the other editors to clarify the references.
Added DiffLines:
!![[AC:The Los Angeles Lakers: Professional Basketball's Casting Couch]]
* LeBron's "Playoff mode" falls way short of expectations, and a FailMontage immediately follows, interspersed with "That was a disaster", "Oh he's gonna feel that one", and "Nope!". When the Lakers are eliminated, a screen with "Critical Mission Failure" appears, with a voiceover saying "Mission failed! We'll get them next time."
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adding more to Vernon Gholston example in Jets entry
Changed line(s) 73 (click to see context) from:
** Drafting OSU defensive end Vernon Gholston in 2008. The caption [[AC:No sacks, cut in three years]] appears with the 1980s Mac OS "quack" sound effect,[[note]]'''Over six hundred other players''' managed at least one sack in those three years.[[/note]] summing up why Gholston is considered one of the biggest draft busts in Jets history (and as this list makes apparent, there's a ''lot'' of competition for that title).
to:
** Drafting OSU defensive end Vernon Gholston in 2008. 2008, greeted with enthusiasm from both Jets fans at the draft and ESPN's Chris Berman, who exclaims "And the Jets have just won the Super Bowl!" The caption [[AC:No sacks, cut in three years]] appears with the 1980s Mac OS "quack" sound effect,[[note]]'''Over six hundred other players''' managed at least one sack in those three years.[[/note]] summing up why Gholston is considered one of the biggest draft busts in Jets history (and as this list makes apparent, there's a ''lot'' of competition for that title).
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Folderising by sport, but this can be reversed by simply copy/pasting the original version of the page.
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[[foldercontrol]]
[[folder:Football Lolcows]]
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%% NOTE TO EDITORS: The folders are organised chronologically by release date. Please add new entries to the appropriate place in the list.
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[[folder:Football Lolcows]]
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!![[AC:The Vancouver Canucks: Professional Hockey's Lolcow]]
* Tree introduces his audience to the wonders of hockey lolcows:
-->'''UT''': The scene begins in an NBC TV studio. Today, a man like [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Milbury Mike Milbury]] can hold his head high. He can look at himself in the mirror with confidence and pride. "It's okay", he thinks to himself. "I'm not the GM of the Vancouver Canucks".
* After running through their history of futility and recent stubbornness in terms of play style and personnel, he then comes to their leadership:
-->''[while showing footage of a group of Canucks executives riding in a car]''\\
'''UT''': And now we get to the elephant in the room: A man that is completely tactless, bumbling, laughed at by everyone, and falls in love with absolutely terrible players for "intangibles" -\\
''[[[BaitAndSwitch cuts to]] footage of the Canucks' then-head coach glowering from behind the bench]''\\
'''UT''': But enough about [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willie_Desjardins Willie Desjardins]] -\\
''[cuts to a press conference with one of the executives from the car ride]''\\
'''UT''': Let's talk about [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Benning Jim Benning]], a man who firmly believes [[https://www.eliteprospects.com/staff/23570/brandon-benning his son]] is a quality NHL scout, and [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Weisbrod an embarrassment of a scout in Calgary]] is a quality assistant GM.
!![[AC:The Philadelphia 76ers: The Process of Becoming a Lolcow]]
* "Fuck you, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LeBron_James LeBron]], here come the 76ers!"
* Describing how Sam Hinkey [[{{Understatement}} might not have known what he was doing]]...
-->'''UT''': Sam Hinkey struck me as a man who played ''way'' too much out-of-the-park baseball when he was younger. Unfortunately for him, the other managers aren't [[AIBreaker AI that can be cheesed]]; they'll just take your assets and laugh at you as they kick your team's ass all over the court.[[note]]Shows a graphic of the 76ers' disastrous 26-game losing streak[[/note]]
* The three-step "plan" that is The Process:
## Trade Fucking Everything
## Draft all of the injured players and Europeans
## Force the NBA to intervene
--->'''UT''': It's total fucking liquidation! EVERYTHING MUST GO!
* "Those European players you draft? They'll be so disgusted in the team that they [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere refuse to sign with you! It's foolproof!]]"
* Tree introduces his audience to the wonders of hockey lolcows:
-->'''UT''': The scene begins in an NBC TV studio. Today, a man like [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Milbury Mike Milbury]] can hold his head high. He can look at himself in the mirror with confidence and pride. "It's okay", he thinks to himself. "I'm not the GM of the Vancouver Canucks".
* After running through their history of futility and recent stubbornness in terms of play style and personnel, he then comes to their leadership:
-->''[while showing footage of a group of Canucks executives riding in a car]''\\
'''UT''': And now we get to the elephant in the room: A man that is completely tactless, bumbling, laughed at by everyone, and falls in love with absolutely terrible players for "intangibles" -\\
''[[[BaitAndSwitch cuts to]] footage of the Canucks' then-head coach glowering from behind the bench]''\\
'''UT''': But enough about [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willie_Desjardins Willie Desjardins]] -\\
''[cuts to a press conference with one of the executives from the car ride]''\\
'''UT''': Let's talk about [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Benning Jim Benning]], a man who firmly believes [[https://www.eliteprospects.com/staff/23570/brandon-benning his son]] is a quality NHL scout, and [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Weisbrod an embarrassment of a scout in Calgary]] is a quality assistant GM.
!![[AC:The Philadelphia 76ers: The Process of Becoming a Lolcow]]
* "Fuck you, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LeBron_James LeBron]], here come the 76ers!"
* Describing how Sam Hinkey [[{{Understatement}} might not have known what he was doing]]...
-->'''UT''': Sam Hinkey struck me as a man who played ''way'' too much out-of-the-park baseball when he was younger. Unfortunately for him, the other managers aren't [[AIBreaker AI that can be cheesed]]; they'll just take your assets and laugh at you as they kick your team's ass all over the court.[[note]]Shows a graphic of the 76ers' disastrous 26-game losing streak[[/note]]
* The three-step "plan" that is The Process:
## Trade Fucking Everything
## Draft all of the injured players and Europeans
## Force the NBA to intervene
--->'''UT''': It's total fucking liquidation! EVERYTHING MUST GO!
* "Those European players you draft? They'll be so disgusted in the team that they [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere refuse to sign with you! It's foolproof!]]"
Deleted line(s) 129,141 (click to see context) :
!![[AC:The Carolina Hurricanes: A [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJtiepwpKFw Brass Bonanza]]]]
* Apparently the Hurricanes' marketing department may have gotten desperate...
-->'''Hurricanes Man''': LOOK AT ALL OF THE WONDERFUL FANS WE HAVE IN ATTENDANCE!\\
''(cue photos of a half-empty PNC Arena with crickets chirping)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Carolina Hurricanes have lowest attendance - by nearly 12 percent]]\\
'''UT''': ''(normal voice)'' Shhhhhhhit...\\
''(test pattern)''\\
'''Hurricanes Man''': FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE COME TO OUR GAMES! OUR OWNER IS BANKRUPT AND BEING SUED BY HIS SONS FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS HE TOOK FROM THEIR TRUST FUND!\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Peter Karmanos sued by his adult sons for $105M]]\\
'''UT''': ''(normal voice)'' [[DeadpanSnarker What a great family man!]]\\
'''Hurricanes Man''': SPEAKING OF FAMILY, YOU CAN ATTEND GAMES ON THE CHEAP! WE'VE GOT TICKETS AS LOW AS FIFTEEN DOLLARS!\\
'''Second voice''': That's like a meal at Red Lobster!
* Apparently the Hurricanes' marketing department may have gotten desperate...
-->'''Hurricanes Man''': LOOK AT ALL OF THE WONDERFUL FANS WE HAVE IN ATTENDANCE!\\
''(cue photos of a half-empty PNC Arena with crickets chirping)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Carolina Hurricanes have lowest attendance - by nearly 12 percent]]\\
'''UT''': ''(normal voice)'' Shhhhhhhit...\\
''(test pattern)''\\
'''Hurricanes Man''': FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE COME TO OUR GAMES! OUR OWNER IS BANKRUPT AND BEING SUED BY HIS SONS FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS HE TOOK FROM THEIR TRUST FUND!\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Peter Karmanos sued by his adult sons for $105M]]\\
'''UT''': ''(normal voice)'' [[DeadpanSnarker What a great family man!]]\\
'''Hurricanes Man''': SPEAKING OF FAMILY, YOU CAN ATTEND GAMES ON THE CHEAP! WE'VE GOT TICKETS AS LOW AS FIFTEEN DOLLARS!\\
'''Second voice''': That's like a meal at Red Lobster!
Deleted line(s) 151,241 (click to see context) :
!![[AC:The New York Knicks: Professional Basketball's Lolcow]]
* Tree roasts the Knicks for failing at failing, and thus being unable to benefit from the NBA draft. Cue a clip of the Knicks embarrassing themselves against the Spurs...
-->'''UT''': How could they win it with such excellent defense?\\
''[as the Knicks try and fail miserably to get the ball away from the Spurs' Dewayne Dedmon before he can make a basket, each failure is punctuated with sound effects and headlines]''\\
'''Headlines''': ''[[[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 "Nope!"]]]'' [[AC:Knicks' Coaches Scramble to Fix the Defense Before It's Too Late]]\\
''["Nope!"]'' [[AC:Jeff Hornacek: Knicks' defense must improve; not sure if it can]]\\
''[Dedmon gets the ball again with a ''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' coin sound effect, then finally sinks the basket to the ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog1'' "1-up" jingle]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:25th in defensive efficiency!!!]]
!![[AC:The Pittsburgh Pirates: Professional Baseball's Drunken Sailor]]
* Problems start right off the bat.
-->'''UT''': [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh boy, this one's gonna hurt]]...\\
''(Colorado pitcher Jordan Lyles beans Pittsburgh batter Ryan Vogelsong right in the head with a fastball, dropping him.)''\\
'''UT''': What, that guy? Don't worry about him; he'll be fine. He'll be pitching again in a few months.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Vogelsong makes first start since injury]]\\
'''UT''': See? He's good. What ''isn't'' good right now are the Pirates.
* He wants to praise his hometown squad so badly...
-->'''UT''': But enough of the negativity; the Pirates still have [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starling_Marte Starling Marte]]. That dude's a beast. You can't get any be--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Pirates' Starling Marte suspended 80 games for violating MLB's performance-enhancing drug policy]]\\
'''UT''': ARE YOU ''(desk slam)'' ''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW]]?!'' HOW THE FUCK DO YOU "ACCIDENTALLY" TAKE [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nandrolone ONE OF THE MOST COMMON STEROIDS KNOWN TO MAN?!]] MARTE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!\\
'''UT''': Here's a foolproof one: [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jameson_Taillon Jameson Taillon]], total stud. Potential to be one of the best in the ga--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Jameson Taillon undergoes surgery for testicular cancer]]\\
'''UT''': Nope. Nope. Nope. I can't. ''(sounding more distant)'' [--I can't. I'm sorry. I can't! I ca--''(sobs)'' I FUCKING HATE THIS TEAM! [[AtomicFBomb FUUUUUUUUU]]--!--]\\
''(A [[WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By]] scene pops up, showing [[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Kent Brockman]] in a straitjacket with a cuckoo bird popping out of his forehead, with UT's Website/YouTube icon over his face...all set to Music/DeanMartin's [[SoundtrackDissonance "That's Amore"]])''
* "Fuck this team! Fuck it with [[{{Squick}} a dildo made of Clint Hurdle's used Dubble Bubble]]!
!![[AC:The New York Mets: Professional Baseball's Rotting Apple]]
* The video goes over some of the Mets' big name players and why or how they haven't made an impact...all while the Mets' ImageSong [[https://youtu.be/Jfz7gW2Wf3I Meet the Mets]] plays:
-->'''Voice''': Brace yourself for all of the glorious talent on the Mets this year: Yoenis Cespedes!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Cespedes placed on DL with pulled hamstring]]\\
'''Voice''': "The Real Deal" Neil Walker!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Neil Walker leaves Mets' game with left leg injury]]\\
'''Voice''': Curtis Granderson!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over [[WesternAnimation/TheSpongeBobSquarePantsMovie "MY EYES!"]])'' [[AC:Mets' Curtis Granderson: Relegated to reserve role]]\\
'''Voice''': Asdrubal Cabrera!\\
'''Headlines''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Asdrubal Cabrera 'not really happy' with move to 2B, asks to be traded]]\\
''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Asdrubal Cabrera leaves Mets game with thumb injury]]\\
'''Voice''': The great David Wright!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:David Wright suffered another setback in his injury rehab]]\\
'''Voice''': Travis d'Arnaud!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Travis d'Arnaud is making the Mets move on from him]]\\
'''Voice''': The renaissance of Jose Reyes!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Jose Reyes' Ex-Mistress Says Mets Shortstop Led 'Double Life']]\\
''(We also see a shot of Reyes's stats for 2017 up until the time the video was made, showing a batting average of .191)''\\
'''Voice''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noah_Syndergaard Thor!]]\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Mets' Noah Syndergaard Out Indefinitely With Torn Muscle in Torso]]\\
'''Voice''': Steven Matz!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Mets' Steven Matz diagnosed with strained flexor tendon in left elbow; no timetable for return]]\\
'''Voice''': Jacob deGrom!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Jacob deGrom's struggles starting to become worrisome for Mets]]\\
'''Voice''': Seth Lugo!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Elbow Tear of Mets' Seth Lugo Will Cost Him at Least Two Weeks]]\\
'''Voice''': Jeurys Familia!\\
'''Headlines''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Jeurys Familia has surgery on blood clot, season in jeopardy]]\\
''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Mets' Jeurys Familia suspended 15 games for domestic violence incident]]
!![[AC:Danica Patrick: Professional Racing's Blue Screen of Death]]
* The RunningGag in which footage of Patrick crashing during races is interrupted by fake Windows error messages, complete with sound effects, finally culminating in a mock Blue Screen of Death.
-->'''UT''': To me, Danica Patrick is one of the most frustrating drivers in all of racing. To see such potential atrophy to waste is a travesty of motorsport. ''[footage of a post-crash Patrick flipping the bird to the cars still on the track]'' How fitting is it to see this woman race in a league that is ''completely'' falling apart at the s-\\
'''Error message''': WARNING: Corel Video Studio has crashed.\\
Please restart program immediately.\\
'''UT''': Hmm. ''[footage of a photo shoot of Patrick in a two-piece]'' The issue I have with Danica is that she is more focused on being a sex symbol instead of, y'know, ''racing''. ''[footage of Patrick crashing during an Indycar race]'' When she was starting out, she dominated the majority of her competition. There was ''talent'' here. But once she got into Indycar racing, it all fell-\\
'''Error message''': WARNING: Corel Video Studio has once again crashed.\\
Please try again during the next Indian harvest cycle.\\
'''UT''': Fucking hell...\\
[...]\\
'''UT''': ''[over more footage of Patrick crashing mid-race]'' Look at her race results at NASCAR and you will see, simply, mediocrity.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Danica Patrick destined for a middle-of-the-pack Cup career]]\\
'''UT''': Pure, unadulterated, medi-\\
'''Error message''': [[VideoGame/CrashBandicoot CRASH BANDICOOT!]]\\
You wish you were actually playing this game right now.\\
'''UT''': ''Ughhh...''\\
[...]\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Danica Patrick: "We got a bit lucky" with first top-ten finish since 2015]]\\
'''UT''': ''[over footage of Patrick crashing mid-race again]'' Oh boy, she had a couple of top ten finishes in the past! Whip out the lotion and lather all over my-\\
'''Error message''': ACHTUNG! This crash-ridden program has once again crashed.\\
Please delete the offending video files before restarting the program.\\
'''UT''': For FUCK'S sake!...\\
[...]\\
'''Danica Patrick''': ''[recording of her race communications]'' I didn't get any ''[bleep]'' help on pit in, so you saw what happened. About got ''[bleep]'' crashed. 'Cause I ''[bleep]'' went so fast coming in. You know, you just can't-\\
'''Error message''': Like Sisyphus rolling the ball up the hill...\\
We think you already know what has happened.\\
'''UT''': God fucking damn it, girl, stop fucking crashing!\\
[...]\\
'''UT''': The thing is that she's probably going to be here for a bit longer. Even with the notoriety, there will always be a team willing to take her on for the exposure, which will lead to more NASCAR fans frothing at the mouth to-\\
'''Blue Screen of Death''': Windows has encountered a fatal error with the following file: [=DANICA_PATRICK.exe=]\\
If this is the first time seeing this message, try to throw more money at the offending file. It's probably your fault that it keeps crashing.\\
Do not attempt to restart this program unless a new car and livery are issued. Do not use racing statistics and DNF results in negotiations. If a merge with [=RICKY_STENHOUSE.exe=] has not been tried, please attempt to do so.\\
If this problem persists, do not delete the offending file. It's never the file's fault that it keep [''sic''] crashing.\\
Never.
* Tree roasts the Knicks for failing at failing, and thus being unable to benefit from the NBA draft. Cue a clip of the Knicks embarrassing themselves against the Spurs...
-->'''UT''': How could they win it with such excellent defense?\\
''[as the Knicks try and fail miserably to get the ball away from the Spurs' Dewayne Dedmon before he can make a basket, each failure is punctuated with sound effects and headlines]''\\
'''Headlines''': ''[[[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 "Nope!"]]]'' [[AC:Knicks' Coaches Scramble to Fix the Defense Before It's Too Late]]\\
''["Nope!"]'' [[AC:Jeff Hornacek: Knicks' defense must improve; not sure if it can]]\\
''[Dedmon gets the ball again with a ''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' coin sound effect, then finally sinks the basket to the ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog1'' "1-up" jingle]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:25th in defensive efficiency!!!]]
!![[AC:The Pittsburgh Pirates: Professional Baseball's Drunken Sailor]]
* Problems start right off the bat.
-->'''UT''': [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh boy, this one's gonna hurt]]...\\
''(Colorado pitcher Jordan Lyles beans Pittsburgh batter Ryan Vogelsong right in the head with a fastball, dropping him.)''\\
'''UT''': What, that guy? Don't worry about him; he'll be fine. He'll be pitching again in a few months.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Vogelsong makes first start since injury]]\\
'''UT''': See? He's good. What ''isn't'' good right now are the Pirates.
* He wants to praise his hometown squad so badly...
-->'''UT''': But enough of the negativity; the Pirates still have [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starling_Marte Starling Marte]]. That dude's a beast. You can't get any be--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Pirates' Starling Marte suspended 80 games for violating MLB's performance-enhancing drug policy]]\\
'''UT''': ARE YOU ''(desk slam)'' ''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW]]?!'' HOW THE FUCK DO YOU "ACCIDENTALLY" TAKE [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nandrolone ONE OF THE MOST COMMON STEROIDS KNOWN TO MAN?!]] MARTE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!\\
'''UT''': Here's a foolproof one: [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jameson_Taillon Jameson Taillon]], total stud. Potential to be one of the best in the ga--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Jameson Taillon undergoes surgery for testicular cancer]]\\
'''UT''': Nope. Nope. Nope. I can't. ''(sounding more distant)'' [--I can't. I'm sorry. I can't! I ca--''(sobs)'' I FUCKING HATE THIS TEAM! [[AtomicFBomb FUUUUUUUUU]]--!--]\\
''(A [[WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By]] scene pops up, showing [[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Kent Brockman]] in a straitjacket with a cuckoo bird popping out of his forehead, with UT's Website/YouTube icon over his face...all set to Music/DeanMartin's [[SoundtrackDissonance "That's Amore"]])''
* "Fuck this team! Fuck it with [[{{Squick}} a dildo made of Clint Hurdle's used Dubble Bubble]]!
!![[AC:The New York Mets: Professional Baseball's Rotting Apple]]
* The video goes over some of the Mets' big name players and why or how they haven't made an impact...all while the Mets' ImageSong [[https://youtu.be/Jfz7gW2Wf3I Meet the Mets]] plays:
-->'''Voice''': Brace yourself for all of the glorious talent on the Mets this year: Yoenis Cespedes!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Cespedes placed on DL with pulled hamstring]]\\
'''Voice''': "The Real Deal" Neil Walker!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Neil Walker leaves Mets' game with left leg injury]]\\
'''Voice''': Curtis Granderson!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over [[WesternAnimation/TheSpongeBobSquarePantsMovie "MY EYES!"]])'' [[AC:Mets' Curtis Granderson: Relegated to reserve role]]\\
'''Voice''': Asdrubal Cabrera!\\
'''Headlines''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Asdrubal Cabrera 'not really happy' with move to 2B, asks to be traded]]\\
''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Asdrubal Cabrera leaves Mets game with thumb injury]]\\
'''Voice''': The great David Wright!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:David Wright suffered another setback in his injury rehab]]\\
'''Voice''': Travis d'Arnaud!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Travis d'Arnaud is making the Mets move on from him]]\\
'''Voice''': The renaissance of Jose Reyes!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Jose Reyes' Ex-Mistress Says Mets Shortstop Led 'Double Life']]\\
''(We also see a shot of Reyes's stats for 2017 up until the time the video was made, showing a batting average of .191)''\\
'''Voice''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noah_Syndergaard Thor!]]\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Mets' Noah Syndergaard Out Indefinitely With Torn Muscle in Torso]]\\
'''Voice''': Steven Matz!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Mets' Steven Matz diagnosed with strained flexor tendon in left elbow; no timetable for return]]\\
'''Voice''': Jacob deGrom!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Jacob deGrom's struggles starting to become worrisome for Mets]]\\
'''Voice''': Seth Lugo!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Elbow Tear of Mets' Seth Lugo Will Cost Him at Least Two Weeks]]\\
'''Voice''': Jeurys Familia!\\
'''Headlines''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Jeurys Familia has surgery on blood clot, season in jeopardy]]\\
''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Mets' Jeurys Familia suspended 15 games for domestic violence incident]]
!![[AC:Danica Patrick: Professional Racing's Blue Screen of Death]]
* The RunningGag in which footage of Patrick crashing during races is interrupted by fake Windows error messages, complete with sound effects, finally culminating in a mock Blue Screen of Death.
-->'''UT''': To me, Danica Patrick is one of the most frustrating drivers in all of racing. To see such potential atrophy to waste is a travesty of motorsport. ''[footage of a post-crash Patrick flipping the bird to the cars still on the track]'' How fitting is it to see this woman race in a league that is ''completely'' falling apart at the s-\\
'''Error message''': WARNING: Corel Video Studio has crashed.\\
Please restart program immediately.\\
'''UT''': Hmm. ''[footage of a photo shoot of Patrick in a two-piece]'' The issue I have with Danica is that she is more focused on being a sex symbol instead of, y'know, ''racing''. ''[footage of Patrick crashing during an Indycar race]'' When she was starting out, she dominated the majority of her competition. There was ''talent'' here. But once she got into Indycar racing, it all fell-\\
'''Error message''': WARNING: Corel Video Studio has once again crashed.\\
Please try again during the next Indian harvest cycle.\\
'''UT''': Fucking hell...\\
[...]\\
'''UT''': ''[over more footage of Patrick crashing mid-race]'' Look at her race results at NASCAR and you will see, simply, mediocrity.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Danica Patrick destined for a middle-of-the-pack Cup career]]\\
'''UT''': Pure, unadulterated, medi-\\
'''Error message''': [[VideoGame/CrashBandicoot CRASH BANDICOOT!]]\\
You wish you were actually playing this game right now.\\
'''UT''': ''Ughhh...''\\
[...]\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Danica Patrick: "We got a bit lucky" with first top-ten finish since 2015]]\\
'''UT''': ''[over footage of Patrick crashing mid-race again]'' Oh boy, she had a couple of top ten finishes in the past! Whip out the lotion and lather all over my-\\
'''Error message''': ACHTUNG! This crash-ridden program has once again crashed.\\
Please delete the offending video files before restarting the program.\\
'''UT''': For FUCK'S sake!...\\
[...]\\
'''Danica Patrick''': ''[recording of her race communications]'' I didn't get any ''[bleep]'' help on pit in, so you saw what happened. About got ''[bleep]'' crashed. 'Cause I ''[bleep]'' went so fast coming in. You know, you just can't-\\
'''Error message''': Like Sisyphus rolling the ball up the hill...\\
We think you already know what has happened.\\
'''UT''': God fucking damn it, girl, stop fucking crashing!\\
[...]\\
'''UT''': The thing is that she's probably going to be here for a bit longer. Even with the notoriety, there will always be a team willing to take her on for the exposure, which will lead to more NASCAR fans frothing at the mouth to-\\
'''Blue Screen of Death''': Windows has encountered a fatal error with the following file: [=DANICA_PATRICK.exe=]\\
If this is the first time seeing this message, try to throw more money at the offending file. It's probably your fault that it keeps crashing.\\
Do not attempt to restart this program unless a new car and livery are issued. Do not use racing statistics and DNF results in negotiations. If a merge with [=RICKY_STENHOUSE.exe=] has not been tried, please attempt to do so.\\
If this problem persists, do not delete the offending file. It's never the file's fault that it keep [''sic''] crashing.\\
Never.
Deleted line(s) 255,267 (click to see context) :
!![[AC:The Montreal Canadiens: Professional Hockey's Bergevin]]
* The Marc Bergevin guide to player acquisitions:
## Is he French-Canadian?
## Does he have grit and veteranosity?
## Does he look French?
--->'''UT''': If they meet one of these criteria, then ol' Bergie-boy wants you on the Habs!
* While talking about the Habs' terrible trades and contract extensions in the 2017 offseason,[[note]]Losing Vadim Shipachyov to the Golden Knights, trading Nathan Beaulieu for a draft pick and giving injury-plagued defenceman Karl Alzner a five-year contract, losing Alex Radulov to the Stars after contract negotiations went badly, signing injury-plagued Ales Hemsky in free agency, losing Andrei Markov to the KHL after blowing contract negotiations, trading Markov's potential replacement Mikhail Sergachev for Jonathan Drouin, signing past-his-prime former Canadien Mark Streit, giving Carey Price a ludicrously overpriced eight-year contract extension, and failing to get an elite centre through trading or free agency and being stuck with Drouin for the role.[[/note]] Tree punctuates each one with footage of the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koEA1WjUXKE infamous moment in Game 2 of the 2000 Western Conference Quarterfinals]] when Bergevin, then a defenceman for the Blues, caught a shot on goal by the Sharks' Gary Suter in his glove - and ''threw it into his own goal''.[[note]]Suter was credited with the goal; the (eighth-seeded) Sharks won the game 4-2, and took the series in seven games.[[/note]] Each time, the blunder is accompanied by the ''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' "Mario hitting head on unbreakable block" sound effect.
* Near the end of the litany of Bergevin's horrible decisions on trades and contract extensions, we get to goalie [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carey_Price Carey Price]]:
-->'''UT''': It's time to deal with this Carey Price situation once and for all. The [[{{Pun}} price]] is right--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Price inks richest goaltending contract ever with eight-year, $84 million extention]]\\
'''SFX''': ''(Series/ThePriceIsRight LosingHorns)''\\
'''UT''': ''(loud, shocked coughing)'' [--HOLY SHIT, BERGEVIN, HOW MUCH DID YOU DRINK?!--]
* The Marc Bergevin guide to player acquisitions:
## Is he French-Canadian?
## Does he have grit and veteranosity?
## Does he look French?
--->'''UT''': If they meet one of these criteria, then ol' Bergie-boy wants you on the Habs!
* While talking about the Habs' terrible trades and contract extensions in the 2017 offseason,[[note]]Losing Vadim Shipachyov to the Golden Knights, trading Nathan Beaulieu for a draft pick and giving injury-plagued defenceman Karl Alzner a five-year contract, losing Alex Radulov to the Stars after contract negotiations went badly, signing injury-plagued Ales Hemsky in free agency, losing Andrei Markov to the KHL after blowing contract negotiations, trading Markov's potential replacement Mikhail Sergachev for Jonathan Drouin, signing past-his-prime former Canadien Mark Streit, giving Carey Price a ludicrously overpriced eight-year contract extension, and failing to get an elite centre through trading or free agency and being stuck with Drouin for the role.[[/note]] Tree punctuates each one with footage of the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koEA1WjUXKE infamous moment in Game 2 of the 2000 Western Conference Quarterfinals]] when Bergevin, then a defenceman for the Blues, caught a shot on goal by the Sharks' Gary Suter in his glove - and ''threw it into his own goal''.[[note]]Suter was credited with the goal; the (eighth-seeded) Sharks won the game 4-2, and took the series in seven games.[[/note]] Each time, the blunder is accompanied by the ''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' "Mario hitting head on unbreakable block" sound effect.
* Near the end of the litany of Bergevin's horrible decisions on trades and contract extensions, we get to goalie [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carey_Price Carey Price]]:
-->'''UT''': It's time to deal with this Carey Price situation once and for all. The [[{{Pun}} price]] is right--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Price inks richest goaltending contract ever with eight-year, $84 million extention]]\\
'''SFX''': ''(Series/ThePriceIsRight LosingHorns)''\\
'''UT''': ''(loud, shocked coughing)'' [--HOLY SHIT, BERGEVIN, HOW MUCH DID YOU DRINK?!--]
Deleted line(s) 309,317 (click to see context) :
!![[AC:The Edmonton Oilers: Professional Hockey's Al Bundy]]
* Tree discusses the contract extensions of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Connor_McDavid Connor McDavid]] and [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leon_Draisaitl Leon Draisaitl]]:
-->'''UT''': Connor [=McDavid=] is due for his first big-boy contract.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Connor [=McDavid=] signs 8-year, $100 million extension with Oilers]]\\
'''UT''': $12.5 million per year--god ''damn!'' Well, it's a steep bill, [[WorthIt but he's one of the best players in the game; he needs to be paid.]] Besides, they still need to pay Draisai--\\
'''Headline''' (accompanied by MusicalSting): [[AC:Oilers sign center Leon Draisaitl to eight-year extension]]\\
'''UT''': '''''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?!?!]]''''' An eight-year contract at $8.5 million per year for ''one year of first line production?!'' Do you realize what you've done, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Chiarelli_(ice_hockey) Peter?]] [[DidntThinkThisThrough You've all but broken the fucking league!]] Most players in this status were getting about $2 million per year ''less!'' What the fuck is wrong with you, man? This is the kind of shit that leads to a lockout!
* The "dramatic interpretation" of Edmonton, like Boston, "is on a high speed train roaring towards the explosives factory known as Cap Hell." We get an intercut of [[VideoGame/StarFox64 the legendary Forever Train crash scene]].
* Tree discusses the contract extensions of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Connor_McDavid Connor McDavid]] and [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leon_Draisaitl Leon Draisaitl]]:
-->'''UT''': Connor [=McDavid=] is due for his first big-boy contract.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Connor [=McDavid=] signs 8-year, $100 million extension with Oilers]]\\
'''UT''': $12.5 million per year--god ''damn!'' Well, it's a steep bill, [[WorthIt but he's one of the best players in the game; he needs to be paid.]] Besides, they still need to pay Draisai--\\
'''Headline''' (accompanied by MusicalSting): [[AC:Oilers sign center Leon Draisaitl to eight-year extension]]\\
'''UT''': '''''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?!?!]]''''' An eight-year contract at $8.5 million per year for ''one year of first line production?!'' Do you realize what you've done, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Chiarelli_(ice_hockey) Peter?]] [[DidntThinkThisThrough You've all but broken the fucking league!]] Most players in this status were getting about $2 million per year ''less!'' What the fuck is wrong with you, man? This is the kind of shit that leads to a lockout!
* The "dramatic interpretation" of Edmonton, like Boston, "is on a high speed train roaring towards the explosives factory known as Cap Hell." We get an intercut of [[VideoGame/StarFox64 the legendary Forever Train crash scene]].
Changed line(s) 321,326 (click to see context) from:
!![[AC:The Baltimore Orioles: Professional Baseball's Avian Flu]]
* Tree covers one of the main reasons for the Orioles' poor performance, first baseman Chris Davis, who was on pace to having the worst season ever recorded by a position player...
-->'''UT''': They are paying him $21 million to do this. Is it any wonder why [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Palmer Jim Palmer]] threw him into an open fire on live television? Of course he's hurt by it, nobody wants to have reality rubbed in their faces, but here's a reality that needs to be: he's not even halfway into this contract. I can't wait for the revival of [[http://www.espn.com/blog/new-york/mets/post/_/id/125162/happy-bobby-bonilla-day-his-annual-1-19-million-payday-is-here Bobby Bonilla Day]] in twenty years' time.
* After Tree covers how the Orioles' hitting corps has done poorly, he gets to the pitching corps. We see Orioles pitchers give up hit after hit after hit, accompanied by an overlay of the [[https://i.makeagif.com/media/8-13-2015/3iWtN-.gif conga line]] from ''WesternAnimation/BaseballBugs''.
to:
[[folder:Hockey Lolcows]]
!![[AC:The
* Tree
-->'''UT''':
* After running through their history of futility and recent stubbornness in terms of play style and personnel, he then comes to their leadership:
-->''[while showing footage of a group of Canucks executives riding in a car]''\\
'''UT''': And now we get to the elephant in the room: A man that is completely tactless, bumbling, laughed at by everyone, and falls in love with absolutely terrible players for "intangibles" -\\
''[[[BaitAndSwitch cuts to]] footage of the Canucks' then-head coach glowering from behind the bench]''\\
'''UT''': But enough about [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willie_Desjardins Willie Desjardins]] -\\
''[cuts to a press conference with one of the executives from the car ride]''\\
'''UT''': Let's talk about [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Benning Jim
!![[AC:The Carolina Hurricanes: A [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJtiepwpKFw Brass Bonanza]]]]
* Apparently the Hurricanes' marketing department may have gotten desperate...
-->'''Hurricanes Man''': LOOK AT ALL OF THE WONDERFUL FANS WE HAVE IN ATTENDANCE!\\
''(cue photos of a half-empty PNC Arena with crickets chirping)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Carolina Hurricanes have lowest attendance - by
'''UT''': ''(normal voice)'' Shhhhhhhit...\\
''(test pattern)''\\
'''Hurricanes Man''': FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE COME TO OUR GAMES! OUR OWNER IS BANKRUPT AND BEING SUED BY HIS SONS FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS HE TOOK FROM THEIR TRUST FUND!\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Peter Karmanos sued by his adult sons for $105M]]\\
'''UT''': ''(normal voice)'' [[DeadpanSnarker What a great family man!]]\\
'''Hurricanes Man''': SPEAKING OF FAMILY, YOU CAN ATTEND GAMES ON THE CHEAP! WE'VE GOT TICKETS AS LOW AS FIFTEEN DOLLARS!\\
'''Second voice''': That's like a meal at Red Lobster!
!![[AC:The Montreal Canadiens: Professional Hockey's Bergevin]]
* The Marc Bergevin guide to player acquisitions:
## Is he French-Canadian?
## Does he have grit and veteranosity?
## Does he look French?
--->'''UT''': If they meet one of these criteria, then ol' Bergie-boy wants you on the Habs!
* While talking about the Habs' terrible trades and contract extensions in the 2017 offseason,[[note]]Losing Vadim Shipachyov to
* After
* Near the end of the
-->'''UT''': It's time to deal with this Carey Price situation once and for all. The [[{{Pun}} price]] is right--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Price inks richest goaltending contract ever with eight-year, $84 million extention]]\\
'''SFX''': ''(Series/ThePriceIsRight LosingHorns)''\\
'''UT''': ''(loud, shocked coughing)'' [--HOLY SHIT, BERGEVIN, HOW MUCH DID YOU DRINK?!--]
!![[AC:The Edmonton Oilers: Professional Hockey's Al Bundy]]
* Tree discusses the contract extensions of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Connor_McDavid Connor McDavid]] and [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leon_Draisaitl Leon Draisaitl]]:
-->'''UT''': Connor [=McDavid=] is due for his first big-boy contract.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Connor [=McDavid=] signs 8-year, $100 million extension with Oilers]]\\
'''UT''': $12.5 million per year--god ''damn!'' Well, it's a steep bill, [[WorthIt but he's one of the best players in the game; he needs to be paid.]] Besides, they still need to pay Draisai--\\
'''Headline''' (accompanied by MusicalSting): [[AC:Oilers sign center Leon Draisaitl to eight-year extension]]\\
'''UT''': '''''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?!?!]]''''' An eight-year contract at $8.5 million per year for ''one year of first line production?!'' Do you realize what you've done, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Chiarelli_(ice_hockey) Peter?]] [[DidntThinkThisThrough You've all but broken the fucking league!]] Most players in this status were getting about $2 million per year ''less!'' What the fuck is wrong with you, man? This is the kind of shit that leads to a lockout!
* The "dramatic interpretation" of Edmonton, like Boston, "is on a high speed train roaring towards the explosives factory known as Cap Hell." We get an intercut of [[VideoGame/StarFox64 the legendary Forever Train crash scene]].
Changed line(s) 350 (click to see context) from:
'''UT:''' '''''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe HOLY SHIT!!]]''''' ''[Clip of Arsenio Hall doing a SpitTake]'' '''''Eleven million per year??''''' Were you guys paying the free agent tax when there were no other buyers? You do realize the highest paid defensemen are making around 8 million, right? No knock on Doughty, he's a great player, but that much for Drew's latter years? ''[A caption reads "The issue isn't giving him a contract, it's that they paid too much."]'' Ever hear of the aging process? Hope you have the FountainOfYouth lying around for that. If I'm Erik Karlsson [[note]]Recently traded to the San Jose Sharks at the time of the video's uploading[[/note]] I'm sending you guys a fruit basket for the next decade.
to:
'''UT:''' '''''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe HOLY SHIT!!]]''''' ''[Clip of Arsenio Hall doing a SpitTake]'' '''''Eleven million per year??''''' Were you guys paying the free agent tax when there were no other buyers? You do realize the highest paid defensemen are making around 8 million, right? No knock on Doughty, he's a great player, but that much for Drew's latter years? ''[A caption reads "The issue isn't giving him a contract, it's that they paid too much."]'' Ever hear of the aging process? Hope you have the FountainOfYouth lying around for that. If I'm Erik Karlsson [[note]]Recently traded to the San Jose Sharks at the time of the video's uploading[[/note]] I'm sending you guys a fruit basket for the next decade.decade.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Basketball Lolcows]]
!![[AC:The Philadelphia 76ers: The Process of Becoming a Lolcow]]
* "Fuck you, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LeBron_James LeBron]], here come the 76ers!"
* Describing how Sam Hinkey [[{{Understatement}} might not have known what he was doing]]...
-->'''UT''': Sam Hinkey struck me as a man who played ''way'' too much out-of-the-park baseball when he was younger. Unfortunately for him, the other managers aren't [[AIBreaker AI that can be cheesed]]; they'll just take your assets and laugh at you as they kick your team's ass all over the court.[[note]]Shows a graphic of the 76ers' disastrous 26-game losing streak[[/note]]
* The three-step "plan" that is The Process:
## Trade Fucking Everything
## Draft all of the injured players and Europeans
## Force the NBA to intervene
--->'''UT''': It's total fucking liquidation! EVERYTHING MUST GO!
* "Those European players you draft? They'll be so disgusted in the team that they [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere refuse to sign with you! It's foolproof!]]"
!![[AC:The New York Knicks: Professional Basketball's Lolcow]]
* Tree roasts the Knicks for failing at failing, and thus being unable to benefit from the NBA draft. Cue a clip of the Knicks embarrassing themselves against the Spurs...
-->'''UT''': How could they win it with such excellent defense?\\
''[as the Knicks try and fail miserably to get the ball away from the Spurs' Dewayne Dedmon before he can make a basket, each failure is punctuated with sound effects and headlines]''\\
'''Headlines''': ''[[[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 "Nope!"]]]'' [[AC:Knicks' Coaches Scramble to Fix the Defense Before It's Too Late]]\\
''["Nope!"]'' [[AC:Jeff Hornacek: Knicks' defense must improve; not sure if it can]]\\
''[Dedmon gets the ball again with a ''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' coin sound effect, then finally sinks the basket to the ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog1'' "1-up" jingle]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:25th in defensive efficiency!!!]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Baseball Lolcows]]
!![[AC:The Pittsburgh Pirates: Professional Baseball's Drunken Sailor]]
* Problems start right off the bat.
-->'''UT''': [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh boy, this one's gonna hurt]]...\\
''(Colorado pitcher Jordan Lyles beans Pittsburgh batter Ryan Vogelsong right in the head with a fastball, dropping him.)''\\
'''UT''': What, that guy? Don't worry about him; he'll be fine. He'll be pitching again in a few months.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Vogelsong makes first start since injury]]\\
'''UT''': See? He's good. What ''isn't'' good right now are the Pirates.
* He wants to praise his hometown squad so badly...
-->'''UT''': But enough of the negativity; the Pirates still have [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starling_Marte Starling Marte]]. That dude's a beast. You can't get any be--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Pirates' Starling Marte suspended 80 games for violating MLB's performance-enhancing drug policy]]\\
'''UT''': ARE YOU ''(desk slam)'' ''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW]]?!'' HOW THE FUCK DO YOU "ACCIDENTALLY" TAKE [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nandrolone ONE OF THE MOST COMMON STEROIDS KNOWN TO MAN?!]] MARTE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!\\
'''UT''': Here's a foolproof one: [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jameson_Taillon Jameson Taillon]], total stud. Potential to be one of the best in the ga--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Jameson Taillon undergoes surgery for testicular cancer]]\\
'''UT''': Nope. Nope. Nope. I can't. ''(sounding more distant)'' [--I can't. I'm sorry. I can't! I ca--''(sobs)'' I FUCKING HATE THIS TEAM! [[AtomicFBomb FUUUUUUUUU]]--!--]\\
''(A [[WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By]] scene pops up, showing [[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Kent Brockman]] in a straitjacket with a cuckoo bird popping out of his forehead, with UT's Website/YouTube icon over his face...all set to Music/DeanMartin's [[SoundtrackDissonance "That's Amore"]])''
* "Fuck this team! Fuck it with [[{{Squick}} a dildo made of Clint Hurdle's used Dubble Bubble]]!
!![[AC:The New York Mets: Professional Baseball's Rotting Apple]]
* The video goes over some of the Mets' big name players and why or how they haven't made an impact...all while the Mets' ImageSong [[https://youtu.be/Jfz7gW2Wf3I Meet the Mets]] plays:
-->'''Voice''': Brace yourself for all of the glorious talent on the Mets this year: Yoenis Cespedes!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Cespedes placed on DL with pulled hamstring]]\\
'''Voice''': "The Real Deal" Neil Walker!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Neil Walker leaves Mets' game with left leg injury]]\\
'''Voice''': Curtis Granderson!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over [[WesternAnimation/TheSpongeBobSquarePantsMovie "MY EYES!"]])'' [[AC:Mets' Curtis Granderson: Relegated to reserve role]]\\
'''Voice''': Asdrubal Cabrera!\\
'''Headlines''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Asdrubal Cabrera 'not really happy' with move to 2B, asks to be traded]]\\
''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Asdrubal Cabrera leaves Mets game with thumb injury]]\\
'''Voice''': The great David Wright!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:David Wright suffered another setback in his injury rehab]]\\
'''Voice''': Travis d'Arnaud!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Travis d'Arnaud is making the Mets move on from him]]\\
'''Voice''': The renaissance of Jose Reyes!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Jose Reyes' Ex-Mistress Says Mets Shortstop Led 'Double Life']]\\
''(We also see a shot of Reyes's stats for 2017 up until the time the video was made, showing a batting average of .191)''\\
'''Voice''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noah_Syndergaard Thor!]]\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Mets' Noah Syndergaard Out Indefinitely With Torn Muscle in Torso]]\\
'''Voice''': Steven Matz!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Mets' Steven Matz diagnosed with strained flexor tendon in left elbow; no timetable for return]]\\
'''Voice''': Jacob deGrom!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Jacob deGrom's struggles starting to become worrisome for Mets]]\\
'''Voice''': Seth Lugo!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Elbow Tear of Mets' Seth Lugo Will Cost Him at Least Two Weeks]]\\
'''Voice''': Jeurys Familia!\\
'''Headlines''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Jeurys Familia has surgery on blood clot, season in jeopardy]]\\
''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Mets' Jeurys Familia suspended 15 games for domestic violence incident]]
!![[AC:The Baltimore Orioles: Professional Baseball's Avian Flu]]
* Tree covers one of the main reasons for the Orioles' poor performance, first baseman Chris Davis, who was on pace to having the worst season ever recorded by a position player...
-->'''UT''': They are paying him $21 million to do this. Is it any wonder why [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Palmer Jim Palmer]] threw him into an open fire on live television? Of course he's hurt by it, nobody wants to have reality rubbed in their faces, but here's a reality that needs to be: he's not even halfway into this contract. I can't wait for the revival of [[http://www.espn.com/blog/new-york/mets/post/_/id/125162/happy-bobby-bonilla-day-his-annual-1-19-million-payday-is-here Bobby Bonilla Day]] in twenty years' time.
* After Tree covers how the Orioles' hitting corps has done poorly, he gets to the pitching corps. We see Orioles pitchers give up hit after hit after hit, accompanied by an overlay of the [[https://i.makeagif.com/media/8-13-2015/3iWtN-.gif conga line]] from ''WesternAnimation/BaseballBugs''.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Other Lolcows]]
!![[AC:Danica Patrick: Professional Racing's Blue Screen of Death]]
* The RunningGag in which footage of Patrick crashing during races is interrupted by fake Windows error messages, complete with sound effects, finally culminating in a mock Blue Screen of Death.
-->'''UT''': To me, Danica Patrick is one of the most frustrating drivers in all of racing. To see such potential atrophy to waste is a travesty of motorsport. ''[footage of a post-crash Patrick flipping the bird to the cars still on the track]'' How fitting is it to see this woman race in a league that is ''completely'' falling apart at the s-\\
'''Error message''': WARNING: Corel Video Studio has crashed.\\
Please restart program immediately.\\
'''UT''': Hmm. ''[footage of a photo shoot of Patrick in a two-piece]'' The issue I have with Danica is that she is more focused on being a sex symbol instead of, y'know, ''racing''. ''[footage of Patrick crashing during an Indycar race]'' When she was starting out, she dominated the majority of her competition. There was ''talent'' here. But once she got into Indycar racing, it all fell-\\
'''Error message''': WARNING: Corel Video Studio has once again crashed.\\
Please try again during the next Indian harvest cycle.\\
'''UT''': Fucking hell...\\
[...]\\
'''UT''': ''[over more footage of Patrick crashing mid-race]'' Look at her race results at NASCAR and you will see, simply, mediocrity.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Danica Patrick destined for a middle-of-the-pack Cup career]]\\
'''UT''': Pure, unadulterated, medi-\\
'''Error message''': [[VideoGame/CrashBandicoot CRASH BANDICOOT!]]\\
You wish you were actually playing this game right now.\\
'''UT''': ''Ughhh...''\\
[...]\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Danica Patrick: "We got a bit lucky" with first top-ten finish since 2015]]\\
'''UT''': ''[over footage of Patrick crashing mid-race again]'' Oh boy, she had a couple of top ten finishes in the past! Whip out the lotion and lather all over my-\\
'''Error message''': ACHTUNG! This crash-ridden program has once again crashed.\\
Please delete the offending video files before restarting the program.\\
'''UT''': For FUCK'S sake!...\\
[...]\\
'''Danica Patrick''': ''[recording of her race communications]'' I didn't get any ''[bleep]'' help on pit in, so you saw what happened. About got ''[bleep]'' crashed. 'Cause I ''[bleep]'' went so fast coming in. You know, you just can't-\\
'''Error message''': Like Sisyphus rolling the ball up the hill...\\
We think you already know what has happened.\\
'''UT''': God fucking damn it, girl, stop fucking crashing!\\
[...]\\
'''UT''': The thing is that she's probably going to be here for a bit longer. Even with the notoriety, there will always be a team willing to take her on for the exposure, which will lead to more NASCAR fans frothing at the mouth to-\\
'''Blue Screen of Death''': Windows has encountered a fatal error with the following file: [=DANICA_PATRICK.exe=]\\
If this is the first time seeing this message, try to throw more money at the offending file. It's probably your fault that it keeps crashing.\\
Do not attempt to restart this program unless a new car and livery are issued. Do not use racing statistics and DNF results in negotiations. If a merge with [=RICKY_STENHOUSE.exe=] has not been tried, please attempt to do so.\\
If this problem persists, do not delete the offending file. It's never the file's fault that it keep [''sic''] crashing.\\
Never.
[[/folder]]
----
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Basketball Lolcows]]
!![[AC:The Philadelphia 76ers: The Process of Becoming a Lolcow]]
* "Fuck you, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LeBron_James LeBron]], here come the 76ers!"
* Describing how Sam Hinkey [[{{Understatement}} might not have known what he was doing]]...
-->'''UT''': Sam Hinkey struck me as a man who played ''way'' too much out-of-the-park baseball when he was younger. Unfortunately for him, the other managers aren't [[AIBreaker AI that can be cheesed]]; they'll just take your assets and laugh at you as they kick your team's ass all over the court.[[note]]Shows a graphic of the 76ers' disastrous 26-game losing streak[[/note]]
* The three-step "plan" that is The Process:
## Trade Fucking Everything
## Draft all of the injured players and Europeans
## Force the NBA to intervene
--->'''UT''': It's total fucking liquidation! EVERYTHING MUST GO!
* "Those European players you draft? They'll be so disgusted in the team that they [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere refuse to sign with you! It's foolproof!]]"
!![[AC:The New York Knicks: Professional Basketball's Lolcow]]
* Tree roasts the Knicks for failing at failing, and thus being unable to benefit from the NBA draft. Cue a clip of the Knicks embarrassing themselves against the Spurs...
-->'''UT''': How could they win it with such excellent defense?\\
''[as the Knicks try and fail miserably to get the ball away from the Spurs' Dewayne Dedmon before he can make a basket, each failure is punctuated with sound effects and headlines]''\\
'''Headlines''': ''[[[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 "Nope!"]]]'' [[AC:Knicks' Coaches Scramble to Fix the Defense Before It's Too Late]]\\
''["Nope!"]'' [[AC:Jeff Hornacek: Knicks' defense must improve; not sure if it can]]\\
''[Dedmon gets the ball again with a ''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' coin sound effect, then finally sinks the basket to the ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog1'' "1-up" jingle]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:25th in defensive efficiency!!!]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Baseball Lolcows]]
!![[AC:The Pittsburgh Pirates: Professional Baseball's Drunken Sailor]]
* Problems start right off the bat.
-->'''UT''': [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh boy, this one's gonna hurt]]...\\
''(Colorado pitcher Jordan Lyles beans Pittsburgh batter Ryan Vogelsong right in the head with a fastball, dropping him.)''\\
'''UT''': What, that guy? Don't worry about him; he'll be fine. He'll be pitching again in a few months.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Vogelsong makes first start since injury]]\\
'''UT''': See? He's good. What ''isn't'' good right now are the Pirates.
* He wants to praise his hometown squad so badly...
-->'''UT''': But enough of the negativity; the Pirates still have [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starling_Marte Starling Marte]]. That dude's a beast. You can't get any be--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Pirates' Starling Marte suspended 80 games for violating MLB's performance-enhancing drug policy]]\\
'''UT''': ARE YOU ''(desk slam)'' ''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW]]?!'' HOW THE FUCK DO YOU "ACCIDENTALLY" TAKE [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nandrolone ONE OF THE MOST COMMON STEROIDS KNOWN TO MAN?!]] MARTE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!\\
'''UT''': Here's a foolproof one: [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jameson_Taillon Jameson Taillon]], total stud. Potential to be one of the best in the ga--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Jameson Taillon undergoes surgery for testicular cancer]]\\
'''UT''': Nope. Nope. Nope. I can't. ''(sounding more distant)'' [--I can't. I'm sorry. I can't! I ca--''(sobs)'' I FUCKING HATE THIS TEAM! [[AtomicFBomb FUUUUUUUUU]]--!--]\\
''(A [[WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By]] scene pops up, showing [[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Kent Brockman]] in a straitjacket with a cuckoo bird popping out of his forehead, with UT's Website/YouTube icon over his face...all set to Music/DeanMartin's [[SoundtrackDissonance "That's Amore"]])''
* "Fuck this team! Fuck it with [[{{Squick}} a dildo made of Clint Hurdle's used Dubble Bubble]]!
!![[AC:The New York Mets: Professional Baseball's Rotting Apple]]
* The video goes over some of the Mets' big name players and why or how they haven't made an impact...all while the Mets' ImageSong [[https://youtu.be/Jfz7gW2Wf3I Meet the Mets]] plays:
-->'''Voice''': Brace yourself for all of the glorious talent on the Mets this year: Yoenis Cespedes!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Cespedes placed on DL with pulled hamstring]]\\
'''Voice''': "The Real Deal" Neil Walker!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Neil Walker leaves Mets' game with left leg injury]]\\
'''Voice''': Curtis Granderson!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over [[WesternAnimation/TheSpongeBobSquarePantsMovie "MY EYES!"]])'' [[AC:Mets' Curtis Granderson: Relegated to reserve role]]\\
'''Voice''': Asdrubal Cabrera!\\
'''Headlines''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Asdrubal Cabrera 'not really happy' with move to 2B, asks to be traded]]\\
''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Asdrubal Cabrera leaves Mets game with thumb injury]]\\
'''Voice''': The great David Wright!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:David Wright suffered another setback in his injury rehab]]\\
'''Voice''': Travis d'Arnaud!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Travis d'Arnaud is making the Mets move on from him]]\\
'''Voice''': The renaissance of Jose Reyes!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Jose Reyes' Ex-Mistress Says Mets Shortstop Led 'Double Life']]\\
''(We also see a shot of Reyes's stats for 2017 up until the time the video was made, showing a batting average of .191)''\\
'''Voice''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noah_Syndergaard Thor!]]\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Mets' Noah Syndergaard Out Indefinitely With Torn Muscle in Torso]]\\
'''Voice''': Steven Matz!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Mets' Steven Matz diagnosed with strained flexor tendon in left elbow; no timetable for return]]\\
'''Voice''': Jacob deGrom!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Jacob deGrom's struggles starting to become worrisome for Mets]]\\
'''Voice''': Seth Lugo!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Elbow Tear of Mets' Seth Lugo Will Cost Him at Least Two Weeks]]\\
'''Voice''': Jeurys Familia!\\
'''Headlines''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Jeurys Familia has surgery on blood clot, season in jeopardy]]\\
''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Mets' Jeurys Familia suspended 15 games for domestic violence incident]]
!![[AC:The Baltimore Orioles: Professional Baseball's Avian Flu]]
* Tree covers one of the main reasons for the Orioles' poor performance, first baseman Chris Davis, who was on pace to having the worst season ever recorded by a position player...
-->'''UT''': They are paying him $21 million to do this. Is it any wonder why [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Palmer Jim Palmer]] threw him into an open fire on live television? Of course he's hurt by it, nobody wants to have reality rubbed in their faces, but here's a reality that needs to be: he's not even halfway into this contract. I can't wait for the revival of [[http://www.espn.com/blog/new-york/mets/post/_/id/125162/happy-bobby-bonilla-day-his-annual-1-19-million-payday-is-here Bobby Bonilla Day]] in twenty years' time.
* After Tree covers how the Orioles' hitting corps has done poorly, he gets to the pitching corps. We see Orioles pitchers give up hit after hit after hit, accompanied by an overlay of the [[https://i.makeagif.com/media/8-13-2015/3iWtN-.gif conga line]] from ''WesternAnimation/BaseballBugs''.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Other Lolcows]]
!![[AC:Danica Patrick: Professional Racing's Blue Screen of Death]]
* The RunningGag in which footage of Patrick crashing during races is interrupted by fake Windows error messages, complete with sound effects, finally culminating in a mock Blue Screen of Death.
-->'''UT''': To me, Danica Patrick is one of the most frustrating drivers in all of racing. To see such potential atrophy to waste is a travesty of motorsport. ''[footage of a post-crash Patrick flipping the bird to the cars still on the track]'' How fitting is it to see this woman race in a league that is ''completely'' falling apart at the s-\\
'''Error message''': WARNING: Corel Video Studio has crashed.\\
Please restart program immediately.\\
'''UT''': Hmm. ''[footage of a photo shoot of Patrick in a two-piece]'' The issue I have with Danica is that she is more focused on being a sex symbol instead of, y'know, ''racing''. ''[footage of Patrick crashing during an Indycar race]'' When she was starting out, she dominated the majority of her competition. There was ''talent'' here. But once she got into Indycar racing, it all fell-\\
'''Error message''': WARNING: Corel Video Studio has once again crashed.\\
Please try again during the next Indian harvest cycle.\\
'''UT''': Fucking hell...\\
[...]\\
'''UT''': ''[over more footage of Patrick crashing mid-race]'' Look at her race results at NASCAR and you will see, simply, mediocrity.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Danica Patrick destined for a middle-of-the-pack Cup career]]\\
'''UT''': Pure, unadulterated, medi-\\
'''Error message''': [[VideoGame/CrashBandicoot CRASH BANDICOOT!]]\\
You wish you were actually playing this game right now.\\
'''UT''': ''Ughhh...''\\
[...]\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Danica Patrick: "We got a bit lucky" with first top-ten finish since 2015]]\\
'''UT''': ''[over footage of Patrick crashing mid-race again]'' Oh boy, she had a couple of top ten finishes in the past! Whip out the lotion and lather all over my-\\
'''Error message''': ACHTUNG! This crash-ridden program has once again crashed.\\
Please delete the offending video files before restarting the program.\\
'''UT''': For FUCK'S sake!...\\
[...]\\
'''Danica Patrick''': ''[recording of her race communications]'' I didn't get any ''[bleep]'' help on pit in, so you saw what happened. About got ''[bleep]'' crashed. 'Cause I ''[bleep]'' went so fast coming in. You know, you just can't-\\
'''Error message''': Like Sisyphus rolling the ball up the hill...\\
We think you already know what has happened.\\
'''UT''': God fucking damn it, girl, stop fucking crashing!\\
[...]\\
'''UT''': The thing is that she's probably going to be here for a bit longer. Even with the notoriety, there will always be a team willing to take her on for the exposure, which will lead to more NASCAR fans frothing at the mouth to-\\
'''Blue Screen of Death''': Windows has encountered a fatal error with the following file: [=DANICA_PATRICK.exe=]\\
If this is the first time seeing this message, try to throw more money at the offending file. It's probably your fault that it keeps crashing.\\
Do not attempt to restart this program unless a new car and livery are issued. Do not use racing statistics and DNF results in negotiations. If a merge with [=RICKY_STENHOUSE.exe=] has not been tried, please attempt to do so.\\
If this problem persists, do not delete the offending file. It's never the file's fault that it keep [''sic''] crashing.\\
Never.
[[/folder]]
----
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Added DiffLines:
!![[AC:The Cleveland Browns - Professional Football's Lolcow]]
* As UT explains, the Browns do not have the best drafting reputation...[[ShaggyDogStory and that's the]] ''[[ShaggyDogStory least]]'' [[ShaggyDogStory of their issues]]...
-->'''UT''': [[http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-network-top-ten/0ap2000000113877/Top-Ten-Controversial-Calls-Bottle-gate Bottlegate!]] [[EpicFail Gross incompetence by NFL officials]]! '''''(BUZZER)''''' [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kellen_Winslow_II First round pick]] decides to be a fucking idiot--crashes motorcycle in parking lot. '''''(BUZZER)''''' [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justin_Gilbert First round pick]] decides to be a fucking idiot--gets into numerous confrontations with the law. '''''(BUZZER)''''' [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Manziel First round pick]] [[BaitAndSwitch decides to be "Johnny Football"]]--[[InsultToRocks an insult to the term "fucking idiot"]]. '''''([[http://i.imgur.com/9smcd.png AIR HORN]])'''''\\
''(Footage of a Monday Night Football game, Ravens @ Browns. The last play of the game, a field goal attempt, is blocked, and subsequently ran back for a Ravens touchdown.)''\\
''(Overlayed over the game-winning touchdown is phone-cam footage of a man ripping his Browns jersey off)''\\
'''Another fan''': [[DespairEventHorizon I fucking hate the Browns! I hate the Browns so goddamn much]]!\\
''([[AC:Disappointment Intensifies]])'' '''''(BUZZER)'''''\\
'''UT''': Staph infections! '''''(BUZZER)''''' More staph infections! '''''(BUZZER)''''' The staph infection known as Johnny Football! '''''(AIR HORN)''''' Sign [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LeCharles_Bentley the top center of the free agent class]], who suffers a [[GameBreakingInjury career-ending injury on the first play of training camp!]] '''''(BUZZER)''''' [[ShaggyDogStory And he...also...got a staph infection]]. '''''(BUZZER)'''''\\
''(phone cam footage of someone outside Browns Stadium)''\\
'''Mike Polk Jr.''': [[EpicFail You are a factory of sadness!]]\\
([[AC:Cleveland's top export]]) '''''(BUZZER)'''''\\
'''UT''': Signing perennial underachiever [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dwayne_Bowe Dwayne Bowe]] for $9 million...to make ''five'' catches. ''(Caption: [[AC:Five whole catches!]])'' Five. '''''(BUZZER)''''' A revolving carousel of head coaches, general managers, and quarterbacks!\\
'''''(BUZZER)''''' ''[[AC:([[http://dailysnark.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Screen-Shot-2016-03-25-at-10.43.23-PM.png Not pictured: Three More Quarterbacks *As of November 2016]])]]''\\
'''UT''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Griffin_III RG]]--oh, wait, [[MadeOfPlasticine he injured himself walking to the podium]]. Never mind.
* Tree goes over the Browns' first round picks since 1999. A sample of their bad decisions:
-->[[AC:2005]]\\
'''UT''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Braylon_Edwards Big game wide receiver?]] Yes, please! Only one teensy little problem: he's not exactly the greatest teammate. And he can't really catch.\\
[[AC:Ding]]\\
'''UT''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kamerion_Wimbley Linebacker!]] And he doesn't suck! '''[[WhatAnIdiot LET'S TRADE HIM!]]'''\\
[[AC:2007]]\\
'''UT''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Thomas_(offensive_tackle) Joe Thomas!]] And let's trade next year's first for [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brady_Quinn another quarterback!]]\\
'''Brady Quinn''': Now I'm done.\\
'''UT''': Yes you are, Brady. You were done the moment you put on a Browns jersey.\\
[[AC:2008]]\\
'''UT''': One of the best first round picks Cleveland has ever made: no one. ''(cue Supa Hot Fire FreakOut)''
* Towards the end of Tree going over the revived Browns' first round picks:
-->[[AC:2014 - Prepare to Die Edition]]\\
'''UT''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justin_Gilbert Two]] [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Manziel radioactive cancers]] for the price of one? Sold! They have major maturity issues ''and'' may not actually care about football? Who cares, we've got Johnny fucking Football! ...What's that? We spent six figures on an analysis of the best quarterback in the draft? And they said it was Teddy Bridgewater.\\
'''''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' anchor''': ''[points at screen]'' You ''stupid''...! ''[trails off laughing]''\\
'''Supers''': [[AC:Bridgewater picked ten spots after Manziel]]\\
[[AC:GG WP]]
!![[AC:The Jacksonville Jaguars: Professional Football's Forgotten Lolcow]]
* [[TwoWordsObviousTrope Three words]]: Shocked Jaguars Fan.
-->'''UT''': Let me put it to you this way: [[http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/02/incredulous.gif This]] is the most notable thing to come out of that franchise in the past decade. Look at it. [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Soak. It. In]].
* "I know this'll probably piss off Jaguars fans. But there's a part of me that feels sorry for all eight of them."
!![[AC:The San Francisco 49ers: Professional Football's newest Lolcow]]
* UT quickly goes over the 49ers' disastrous 2014 campaign after which head coach Jim Harbaugh left to coach at Michigan. Then came the offseason.
-->'''UT''': [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh, dear christ, the the offseason...]] '''''(BUZZER)''''' Your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patrick_Willis star linebacker]] that was injured for most of the season? He retired in his prime! '''''(BUZZER)''''' Your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justin_Smith_(defensive_end) elder statesman on the D-Line]] who was still producing at a solid rate? He also retired. '''''(BUZZER)''''' Your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthony_Davis_(offensive_tackle,_born_1989) starting right tackle]] in his prime? You guessed it! He retired. '''''[[RunningGag (BUZZER)]]''''' Who the fuck else is going to retire? The [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Borland rookie linebacker]] [[TemptingFate who exceeded expectations and may start next season?]]\\
'''Headline''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' [[AC:SF's Borland Retires over Safety Issues]]\\
'''UT''': [[CurseCutShort Son of a-]] '''''(BUZZER)''''' Your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Gore aging star running back]] is gone. '''''(BUZZER)''''' Your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Crabtree talented, yet underachieving top wide receiver]] is gone. '''''(BUZZER)''''' The [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Iupati Pro Bowl guard?]] Yep! He's gone too. '''''(BUZZER)''''' Both of the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Culliver starting]] [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perrish_Cox cornerbacks.]] [[ClicheStorm Do I even need to say it?]] '''''(BUZZER)''''' I mean, you sign people! You signed [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Torrey_Smith Torrey Smith!]] A wide receiver, whose main strength is... Go deep. On a team with shitty quarterbacks. '''''(BUZZER)''''' Your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Tomsula new head coach...]] is the defensive line coach with no head coaching experience. [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong Totally not a patsy!]] '''''(BUZZER)''''' Look on the bright side. At least you have [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aldon_Smith Aldon Smith.]] That dude is a beast! If he can keep clean, he'll be-\\
'''Headline''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' [[AC:Aldon Smith arrested in California on charges including DUI, hit and run]]\\
'''UT''': [[FromBadToWorse GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!]]\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:49ers release Aldon Smith after DUI, hit-and-run arrest]] '''''(BUZZER)'''''\\
'''UT''': The continued emergence of trust-fund mega douche Jed York, insuring decades of incompetence and poor management to come! Good god, that's at least five years worth of Cleveland-esque misery!
!![[AC:The Vancouver Canucks: Professional Hockey's Lolcow]]
* Tree introduces his audience to the wonders of hockey lolcows:
-->'''UT''': The scene begins in an NBC TV studio. Today, a man like [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Milbury Mike Milbury]] can hold his head high. He can look at himself in the mirror with confidence and pride. "It's okay", he thinks to himself. "I'm not the GM of the Vancouver Canucks".
* After running through their history of futility and recent stubbornness in terms of play style and personnel, he then comes to their leadership:
-->''[while showing footage of a group of Canucks executives riding in a car]''\\
'''UT''': And now we get to the elephant in the room: A man that is completely tactless, bumbling, laughed at by everyone, and falls in love with absolutely terrible players for "intangibles" -\\
''[[[BaitAndSwitch cuts to]] footage of the Canucks' then-head coach glowering from behind the bench]''\\
'''UT''': But enough about [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willie_Desjardins Willie Desjardins]] -\\
''[cuts to a press conference with one of the executives from the car ride]''\\
'''UT''': Let's talk about [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Benning Jim Benning]], a man who firmly believes [[https://www.eliteprospects.com/staff/23570/brandon-benning his son]] is a quality NHL scout, and [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Weisbrod an embarrassment of a scout in Calgary]] is a quality assistant GM.
!![[AC:The Philadelphia 76ers: The Process of Becoming a Lolcow]]
* "Fuck you, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LeBron_James LeBron]], here come the 76ers!"
* Describing how Sam Hinkey [[{{Understatement}} might not have known what he was doing]]...
-->'''UT''': Sam Hinkey struck me as a man who played ''way'' too much out-of-the-park baseball when he was younger. Unfortunately for him, the other managers aren't [[AIBreaker AI that can be cheesed]]; they'll just take your assets and laugh at you as they kick your team's ass all over the court.[[note]]Shows a graphic of the 76ers' disastrous 26-game losing streak[[/note]]
* The three-step "plan" that is The Process:
## Trade Fucking Everything
## Draft all of the injured players and Europeans
## Force the NBA to intervene
--->'''UT''': It's total fucking liquidation! EVERYTHING MUST GO!
* "Those European players you draft? They'll be so disgusted in the team that they [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere refuse to sign with you! It's foolproof!]]"
!![[AC:The New York Jets - Professional Football's Buttfumble]]
* "J-E-T-S SUCK, SUCK, SUCK!" ''(crowd cheers as man [[FlippingTheBird flips everyone off]])''
* The painful HopeSpot of the Jets possibly making it into the playoffs at the end of the '15-'16 season against the Bills:
-->'''UT''': The final game of the Jets' 2015 season was one filled with [[HopeSpot a surprising amount of hope for Jets fans]]: win and they're in the playoffs. And, even better, they're playing the walking mediocrity that is the Buffalo Bills. This is one of those rare years that they ''aren't'' in the league's cellar. Who knows what happens to them in the playoffs. They've literally got their ticket punched ''for'' them...oh, ''right'', this is the ''Jets''. They completely [[BodyHorror prolapsed]] the entire game with Fitz-ceptions all around. The Jets lose, and fail to make the playoffs. Their fans [[DrowningMySorrows immediately increase their alcohol consumption tenfold]]. Jack Daniels and Fireball immediately sell out within a five-mile radius. ''(sound of glass shattering)'' The New York Jets, everyone!
* According to Tree, the only bright spot in Jets history is their upset win in Super Bowl III over the Baltimore Colts, which cemented the legacy of Joe Namath - "the most overrated quarterback of all time".[[note]]Many analysts note that although Namath's boast that the Jets would win the game has become the stuff of legend, it was the Jets' defence that turned the game in their favour; Namath's performance on the field was pedestrian at best.[[/note]] And he's still one of the best they've ever had - especially compared to their then-current quarterback:
-->'''UT''': Who else have they had play QB over the years? A bunch of past-their-prime entities, gobs upon gobs of failed draft picks, ''[a clip of Mark Sanchez appears, captioned "FULL SANCHISE"]'' and a swath of forgotten mediocrities. Their most successful quarterback over the past twenty-five years... is Chad Pennington. [-Jesus fucking Christ in the ass with no lube...-] To be fair, he's still a ''hell'' of a lot better than ''Series/DuckDynasty'' imitato Ryan Fitzpatrick, who fits both the ageing journeyman ''and'' forgotten mediocrity checklist. He somehow pulled a strong year out of his ''ass'' last season - well, excluding that shitshow in the most important game - and suddenly decided he was hot shit. He demanded ''all of the money'' from the Jets. The Jets respond by laughing him out of the building. They have in-house options like Bryce Petty, and Geno Smith!... ''[scoffs]'' I can't even ''pretend'' to be optimistic about that! It was the most ''hilarious'' contract holdout in recent history. Fitzception never got a reasonable contract offer from any other team, and the Jets did nothing to try and replace him. What's a more Jetsy thing to do than re-sign such mediocrity to a one-year pity contract? It's like a couple getting into a massive argument, and then reconciling with an incredibly depressing handjob.
* "It's also pretty hard for the Jets to build from within as well. There's no other way to describe their drafting than 'legendarily '''bad'''.'" So begins a montage of hilarious failure entitled "[[AC:Jets drafting in two minutes]]", many clips in which feature reaction shots of Jets fans in utter misery. Lowlights include:
** Drafting Ken O'Brien in 1983 when Dan Marino was still available.[[note]]Marino's draft prospects had plunged in the preceding months, as he was coming off a weak final season at the University of Pittsburgh and was alleged to have recreational drug problems, but O'Brien was such an obscure choice that many fans and journalists - and Marino himself - had no idea who he was. Two years later, they made a similar blunder when they needed a wide receiver and chose Wisconsin's Al Toon (in fairness, both O'Brien and Toon had respectable careers in New York, each being named AFC Player of the Year and being chosen for multiple Pro Bowls), allowing the 49ers to draft a certain Mississippi Valley State WR named Jerry Rice, who went on to set over 100 NFL records (including receptions, receiving yards, and touchdowns) and is widely held to be one of the greatest players in NFL history. In 1990, they made the same mistake ''again'' when they needed a running back and drafted Penn State's Blair Thomas (one of many Heisman Trophy winners whose NFL careers never took off), leaving future NFL rushing yards record-setter and Hall of Famer Emmitt Smith of Florida available for the Cowboys.[[/note]]
--->'''Pete Rozelle:''' Jets take, as their first round selection... quarterback... ''[shouts of anticipation from Jets fans; a video clip of a young Marino appears in the top right of the screen]''\\
'''Caption:''' [[AC:Marino intensifies]]\\
'''Pete Rozelle:''' ... Ken O'Brien of California-Davis. ''[reaction shot of Jets fans groaning and facepalming]''\\
'''Caption:''' [[AC:Pete Rozelle, 10/10 epic troll]]
** Drafting fullback Roger Vick from Texas A&M in the first round in 1987.[[note]]Making the decision more bizarre: ''no other fullbacks'' were drafted that year. Vick's career fizzled out after three seasons.[[/note]] As soon as Pete Rozelle says the word "fullback", a Jets fan can be heard screaming [[BigNo "OH GOD, NO!"]], punctuated in the video with a shot of Vader's BigNo from ''Film/RevengeOfTheSith''.
** The choice of Nebraska tight end Johnny Mitchell in the first round in 1992[[note]]This immediately followed the Giants drafting Notre Dame tight end Derek Brown, sparking the declaration "So New York, New York is now tight end, tight end!"[[/note]] prompts cries of disgust and dismay from the Jets fans in the audience. Fast-forward to 1995, with Miami defensive tackle and future Hall of Famer Warren Sapp still available and Jets fans chanting "WE WANT SAPP! WE WANT SAPP!" - and the Jets opt instead for ''another'' tight end in Penn State's Kyle Brady.[[note]]As with Marino in 1983, Sapp's prospects had taken a knock due to revelations about failed drug tests, but the Jets fans in the audience at the draft were optimistic that he could clean up his act in New York. Whether he actually did clean up his act during his career with the Buccaneers remains debated.[[/note]] Cue the unnamed TV anchor from ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'' episode "Deep Space Homer" [[YourTelevisionHatesYou pointing at the screen and laughing]] while saying "You ''stupid''...!"
** Drafting OSU kicker Mike Nugent in the second round in 2005; the announcement of his name is followed by [[JawDrop slack-jawed shock]] from a horrified Jets fan.[[note]]The number of games decided by field goals means a good kicker can be a valuable asset, but it's generally held that if a kicker is chosen early in the draft, he'd better be world class. Nugent wasn't even close.[[/note]]
** Drafting OSU defensive end Vernon Gholston in 2008. The caption [[AC:No sacks, cut in three years]] appears with the 1980s Mac OS "quack" sound effect,[[note]]'''Over six hundred other players''' managed at least one sack in those three years.[[/note]] summing up why Gholston is considered one of the biggest draft busts in Jets history (and as this list makes apparent, there's a ''lot'' of competition for that title).
** Drafting USC quarterback (and future butt-fumbler) Mark Sanchez in 2009. A reaction shot of cheering Jets fans at the announcement, captioned "[[AC:Before Sanchise]]", is followed with footage of Sanchez throwing an intercepted pass against the Titans and a shot of Jets fans with green paper bags over their heads with Sanchez' name written on them, captioned "[[AC:After Sanchise]]".
** Outdoing themselves in 2013 with ''three'' terrible draft picks in the first two rounds.
--->''[first round, the Jets have pick No.9]''\\
'''Roger Goodell''': The New York Jets select... Dee Milliner, defensive back, Alabama.\\
'''Voice''': ''[from behind the handheld camera pointed at the TV screen in this footage]'' Dee Milliner, nice pick! Nice pick!\\
''[the Jets fans in the audience at the draft disagree, greeting the news with a mass double thumbs down and sneers of disapproval]''\\
'''Caption''': ''[quack!]'' [[AC:Cut in three years]] ''[[[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 "Nope!"]]]''\\
''[four picks later...]''[[note]]The Jets traded Darelle Revis to the Buccaneers in exchange for their first round draft pick.[[/note]]\\
'''Roger Goodell''': ... the thirteenth pick in the 2013 NFL draft...\\
'''Caption''': ''[rushing across the screen, echoing the audience]'' [[AC:What???]]\\
'''Roger Goodell''': ... the New York Jets select... Sheldon Richardson, defensive back, Missouri.\\
''[footage of an irate Jets fan at a game standing up in his seat]''\\
'''Jets fan''': I SWEAR TO GOD, WE SUCK! ''[turns to the other fans and motions them to join in]'' WE SUCK! WE SUCK!\\
'''Headlines''': [[AC:Sheldon Richardson Arrested After Being Clocked at 143 MPH in Bentley]]\\
[[AC:Jets discipline Richardson for profanity-laden Snapchat post]]\\
''[the next day, the Jets have the 39th pick overall]''\\
'''Wayne Chrebet''':[[note]]Former wide receiver with the Jets, 1995-2005.[[/note]] New York Jets select Geno Smith, quarterback, West Virginia.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:His jaw: Permanently broken]][[note]]A reference to an August 2015 incident when his then-teammate Ikemefuna Enemkpali punched him in the jaw, supposedly because Smith owed him money. Enemkpali was promptly released by the Jets, while Smith lost the starting quarterback position to Ryan Fitzpatrick; see the beginning of the video for how well ''that'' turned out.[[/note]]
** Drafting Penn State quarterback Christian Hackenberg in the second round in 2016, as announced by 2000 Jets draftee Chad Pennington and greeted with enthusiasm by a fan at the draft. Cue footage of Hackenberg hopelessly misfiring an easily-intercepted pass against the Eagles, accompanied by [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 the Engineer's "Nope!"]]
* He lets them have it with a diatribe on the most notorious moment in the franchise's recent history (footage of which is accompanied by the ''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' sound effect for Mario hitting his head on an unbreakable object at Sanchez's "moment of impact"):
-->'''UT''': ''[as Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King" plays in the background]'' So if you can't draft, can't play, and can't care, what the hell is this team even notable for anymore--oh, that's right! [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butt_fumble The Butt-fumble!]] One of the greatest plays to ever be devised by the Football Gods for our comedic enjoyment! [[http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/02/incredulous.gif Shocked Jaguars Fan]] may be a depressing offering, but he at least ''has dignity''; "Butt-fumble" is so full of shame it's now a figure of speech. It is the perfect representation of failure, buffoonery, submission, and outstanding comedic timing that football has been dying for since [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Marshall_(American_football) Jim Marshall]] [[http://www.nfl.com/videos/minnesota-vikings/0ap3000000564787/This-Day-in-NFL-History-Jim-Marshall-runs-the-wrong-way ran the wrong way for a safety]]. I could play this clip on repeat for five minutes with "Yakety Sax" in the background and it would just as strongly prove my case! In fact, [[UpToEleven I'll go further and say that this play is the perfect microcosm of the Jets organization]]. Everything surrounding this team is a butt-fumble. Their performance [in 2016-17]? Butt-fumble. The free agent signings are usually butt-fumbles. How they play in critical games? Absolutely a butt-fumble. [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brett_Favre Brett Favre]] sending dick picks? He butt-fumbled. John Idzik's tenure? Total butt-fumble! [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rex_Ryan Rex Ryan]] constantly butt-fumbled his way around the sidelines for six seasons. [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rich_Kotite Rich Kotite?]] That dude even ''looks'' [[{{Gonk}} like a butt-fumble]]! [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Belichick Bill Belichick]] butt-fumbled by accepting a head coaching position with the Jets, then [[https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/remember-when-bill-belichick-quit-as-hc-of-the-nyj-after-one-day/ gloriously un-butt-fumbled on a paper napkin!]] The Jets butt-fumbled by injuring [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drew_Bledsoe Drew Bledsoe!]][[note]]It was his injury that allowed then-backup Tom Brady to get into an NFL game.[[/note]] [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryan_Fitzpatrick Ryan Fitzpatrick's]] contract holdout was a ''double''-butt-fumble! They continue to draft butt-fumble after butt-fumble after butt-fumble. Even their fan base, like [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fireman_Ed Fireman Ed]], is a butt-fumble. [[INeedAFreakingDrink They drink themselves into a stupor after witnessing such butt-fumbling]], and then butt-fumble their way into creating more butt-fumbling bastard-spawn.[[note]]A clip of a child in a Jets jersey and helmet is captioned with [[AC:Pictured: Child Abuse]][[/note]] [[MedalOfDishonor This play should be enshrined and bronzed as a statue outside of MetLife Stadium]] for all of us to bask in and enjoy, courtesy of a donation from the Mara family.[[note]]The owners of the New York Giants since their foundation.[[/note]] Our future children and grandchildren should be able to laugh like we all did on that glorious day for millennia to come!
!![[AC:The Cincinnati Bengals: Professional Football's Recurring Lolcow]]
* The embodiment of FromBadToWorse that is the final minutes of the 2016 Wild Card game between the Bengals and the Steelers. The Bengals haven't won a playoff game since 1990 and have been flushed out in the Wild Card game four years running, but backup Steelers quarterback Landry Jones has a pass intercepted by Vontaze Burfict with 1:36 left in the fourth quarter and Cincinnati leading 16-15; is this the year they finally turn things around? '''No.'''
** Tree congratulates Cincinnati on the interception, and notes they just need to run down the clock to clinch victory and emerge from the shadow of their 1990s/2000s lolcowdom. The wheels fall off on ''the very next play'':
--->''[Jeremy Hill tries to run the ball - and the clock - but fumbles to [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 the Engineer's "Nope!"]], and the ball is recovered by Steelers linebacker Ryan Shazier]''\\
'''UT''': Oh, ''God'', not this ''again''. To have the game so, ''so'' close to victory, and make yet another basic mistake has the potential for disaster. Thoughts of the past ten years are rushing into the heads of Bengals fans everywhere. Nearly every year was full of postseason promise, only to crumble, choke, or blow away games with amazing fashion. Carson Palmer's knee getting destroyed at home in 2006 against the Steelers. ''[the play in question is overdubbed with a SickeningCrunch, Fred from ''WesternAnimation/SpongeBobSquarePants'' yelling "My leg!" and [[VideoGame/MaddenNFL Pat Summerall declaring "Oh, no, there's a man down"]].]'' A stunning loss to Mark Sanchez and the Jets. Giving up twenty unanswered points to the goddamn ''Chargers''. And being humiliated by the Houston Texans. ''Twice''. You haven't even made it out of the Wild Card game in all of these years. This season ''can't'' end in yet another failure. This year ''has'' to be different. It ''has'' to be. They're forced to bring out a Big Ben loaded up with enough painkillers to put an elephant in a coma.[[note]]Roethlisberger was dealing with a shoulder injury after being sacked by Burfict at the end of the third quarter.[[/note]] The Steelers can ''not'' humiliate the Bengals again.
** And then the axles break in half as the Bengals start destroying their own hopes more than the Steelers could hope to do:
--->''[having driven 43 yards to the Bengals' 47-yard line, Ben Roethlisberger tries to pass the ball to Antonio Brown; the pass is incomplete, but Vontaze Burfict smashes into Brown's helmet with his own, taking him out of the game and getting the Bengals slapped with a 15-yard unnecessary roughness penalty]''\\
'''UT''': ''[disgusted]'' Vontaze Burfict. He had to pick ''this'' fucking time to try and kill somebody. On one of the ''biggest'' plays of his career, he egregiously makes a blatant helmet-to-helmet hit. He went from hero to goat in world record time. This is nearly every goddamn week with this guy. Don't even argue with me about his abilities. Burfict has been trying to target people since his rookie season. The NFL preaches about player safety, yet ''this guy'' is still on the field!? This man is a total ''thug'', plain and simple. The only ''true'' potential he has is to share a jail cell with Greg Hardy in ten years. Get this piece of shit out of the league. ''[footage of the infamous clip of Steelers free safety Mike Mitchell's high-pitched screaming after being hit with a face mask-pulling penalty against the Browns in January 2017]'' And take Mike Mitchell with you. [[TemptingFate Can this get ANY worse?]]
** And ''then'', to continue the metaphor, the engine blows up...
--->''[arguments erupt over the penalty call against Burfict, culminating in Adam "Pacman" Jones taking a swipe at an official and getting the Bengals hit with ''another'' 15-yard penalty, giving the Steelers the ball on the 17-yard line]''\\
'''UT''': Are you motherfucking '''kidding''' me, Pacman?! You hit the goddamn '''ref''' when you know ''damn well'' another penalty will put them in field goal range!? Are you ''fucking'' '''dense?!''' All we kept hearing about was how ''[various headlines appear claiming that Jones is cleaning up his life and his attitude]'' Adam Jones was doing ''so'' well to contain his emotions, and he does '''this!?''' It doesn't even matter if Joey Porter was trolling people on the field. You do '''not touch the ref.''' ''[a red "No" symbol appears with a buzzer over footage of the incident]'' Even worse are your postgame rants.\\
''[the ''Series/CurbYourEnthusiasm'' theme plays over handheld camera footage of Jones]''\\
'''Adam Jones''': You got fuckin', um, uh... Jared Porter ''[a picture of ''Joey'' Porter, captioned with his name, appears in the top right]'' in the middle of the fuckin' field talkin' shit to everybody, ''[a Trollface rises into frame in the bottom left]'' why didn't somebody say somethin' to him, when he ''pushed'' me on the ''fuckin' field!? [the Trollface ducks out of frame again]''\\
''[cut to footage of Jones calling Dan Patrick on his eponymous show]''\\
'''Dan Patrick''': Was Antonio Brown actually hurt?\\
'''Adam Jones''': ''[over phone]'' Man, Antonio Brown was ''not'' hurt.\\
'''Dan Patrick''': You think he was faking it?\\
'''Adam Jones''': I ''know'' he was faking. Go back and look at the play. ''[slow-motion footage of the play appears]'' If you go back and slow-motion the play, ''[at the moment of impact, an arrow appears next to Brown with the caption "TOTALLY FAKED CONCUSSION"]'' you tell me that, that, uh, Vontaze hit him in the head, or did his shoulder pad barely touch him. ''[the hit is shown from another angle, this time with the caption "'BARELY GRAZED' -DR. PACMAN"]'' I think he need a Grammy award ''[with a Mac OS "quack", a picture of a Grammy appears, captioned "EMMY"]'' for that.\\
'''UT''': Fucking Pacman. You had more goddamn dignity when you were in Wrestling/{{TNA}}.\\
''[back in the game, Chris Boswell kicks the winning field goal; 18-16 Steelers]''
!![[AC:The Carolina Hurricanes: A [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJtiepwpKFw Brass Bonanza]]]]
* Apparently the Hurricanes' marketing department may have gotten desperate...
-->'''Hurricanes Man''': LOOK AT ALL OF THE WONDERFUL FANS WE HAVE IN ATTENDANCE!\\
''(cue photos of a half-empty PNC Arena with crickets chirping)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Carolina Hurricanes have lowest attendance - by nearly 12 percent]]\\
'''UT''': ''(normal voice)'' Shhhhhhhit...\\
''(test pattern)''\\
'''Hurricanes Man''': FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE COME TO OUR GAMES! OUR OWNER IS BANKRUPT AND BEING SUED BY HIS SONS FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS HE TOOK FROM THEIR TRUST FUND!\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Peter Karmanos sued by his adult sons for $105M]]\\
'''UT''': ''(normal voice)'' [[DeadpanSnarker What a great family man!]]\\
'''Hurricanes Man''': SPEAKING OF FAMILY, YOU CAN ATTEND GAMES ON THE CHEAP! WE'VE GOT TICKETS AS LOW AS FIFTEEN DOLLARS!\\
'''Second voice''': That's like a meal at Red Lobster!
!![[AC:The Chicago Bears: Professional Football's Legacy Lolcow]]
* The Bears have been so bad for so long, and UT ponders as to why...
-->'''UT''': I don't know what's more amazing--the fact that the Chicago Bears are such a lower-profile circus act, or that there are ''still'' avid fans of the team.[[note]]Requests from Website/YouTube commenters to address the Bears appear onscreen[[/note]] Having a good year as often as Halley's Comet will take ''a lot'' of enthusiasm out of people. But here we are--another forgettable season and more wasteful stenches coming out of Soldier Field. Did I mention this has been almost ''every'' year for the last 25 years? [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTq4JUDy52M I think I know why you've been punished like this]]...\\
'''1985 Chicago Bears''': ♪ [[EarWorm We are the Bears shufflin' crew]] ♪--\\
'''WebVideo/FilthyFrank''': ''(via [[ChromaKey green screen]])'' THIS NEEDS TO STOP. ''NOW.''
* His rants on the family that owns the Bears...''The [=McCaskeys=]!''
-->''(MusicalSting and DramaticThunder as [[AC:The [=McCaskeys=]!!!!]] WreathedInFlames shakes back and forth on-screen)''\\
'''UT''': [[LampshadeHanging I don't know why it keeps doing that...]]
!![[AC:The New York Knicks: Professional Basketball's Lolcow]]
* Tree roasts the Knicks for failing at failing, and thus being unable to benefit from the NBA draft. Cue a clip of the Knicks embarrassing themselves against the Spurs...
-->'''UT''': How could they win it with such excellent defense?\\
''[as the Knicks try and fail miserably to get the ball away from the Spurs' Dewayne Dedmon before he can make a basket, each failure is punctuated with sound effects and headlines]''\\
'''Headlines''': ''[[[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 "Nope!"]]]'' [[AC:Knicks' Coaches Scramble to Fix the Defense Before It's Too Late]]\\
''["Nope!"]'' [[AC:Jeff Hornacek: Knicks' defense must improve; not sure if it can]]\\
''[Dedmon gets the ball again with a ''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' coin sound effect, then finally sinks the basket to the ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog1'' "1-up" jingle]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:25th in defensive efficiency!!!]]
!![[AC:The Pittsburgh Pirates: Professional Baseball's Drunken Sailor]]
* Problems start right off the bat.
-->'''UT''': [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh boy, this one's gonna hurt]]...\\
''(Colorado pitcher Jordan Lyles beans Pittsburgh batter Ryan Vogelsong right in the head with a fastball, dropping him.)''\\
'''UT''': What, that guy? Don't worry about him; he'll be fine. He'll be pitching again in a few months.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Vogelsong makes first start since injury]]\\
'''UT''': See? He's good. What ''isn't'' good right now are the Pirates.
* He wants to praise his hometown squad so badly...
-->'''UT''': But enough of the negativity; the Pirates still have [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starling_Marte Starling Marte]]. That dude's a beast. You can't get any be--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Pirates' Starling Marte suspended 80 games for violating MLB's performance-enhancing drug policy]]\\
'''UT''': ARE YOU ''(desk slam)'' ''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW]]?!'' HOW THE FUCK DO YOU "ACCIDENTALLY" TAKE [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nandrolone ONE OF THE MOST COMMON STEROIDS KNOWN TO MAN?!]] MARTE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!\\
'''UT''': Here's a foolproof one: [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jameson_Taillon Jameson Taillon]], total stud. Potential to be one of the best in the ga--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Jameson Taillon undergoes surgery for testicular cancer]]\\
'''UT''': Nope. Nope. Nope. I can't. ''(sounding more distant)'' [--I can't. I'm sorry. I can't! I ca--''(sobs)'' I FUCKING HATE THIS TEAM! [[AtomicFBomb FUUUUUUUUU]]--!--]\\
''(A [[WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By]] scene pops up, showing [[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Kent Brockman]] in a straitjacket with a cuckoo bird popping out of his forehead, with UT's Website/YouTube icon over his face...all set to Music/DeanMartin's [[SoundtrackDissonance "That's Amore"]])''
* "Fuck this team! Fuck it with [[{{Squick}} a dildo made of Clint Hurdle's used Dubble Bubble]]!
!![[AC:The New York Mets: Professional Baseball's Rotting Apple]]
* The video goes over some of the Mets' big name players and why or how they haven't made an impact...all while the Mets' ImageSong [[https://youtu.be/Jfz7gW2Wf3I Meet the Mets]] plays:
-->'''Voice''': Brace yourself for all of the glorious talent on the Mets this year: Yoenis Cespedes!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Cespedes placed on DL with pulled hamstring]]\\
'''Voice''': "The Real Deal" Neil Walker!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Neil Walker leaves Mets' game with left leg injury]]\\
'''Voice''': Curtis Granderson!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over [[WesternAnimation/TheSpongeBobSquarePantsMovie "MY EYES!"]])'' [[AC:Mets' Curtis Granderson: Relegated to reserve role]]\\
'''Voice''': Asdrubal Cabrera!\\
'''Headlines''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Asdrubal Cabrera 'not really happy' with move to 2B, asks to be traded]]\\
''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Asdrubal Cabrera leaves Mets game with thumb injury]]\\
'''Voice''': The great David Wright!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:David Wright suffered another setback in his injury rehab]]\\
'''Voice''': Travis d'Arnaud!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Travis d'Arnaud is making the Mets move on from him]]\\
'''Voice''': The renaissance of Jose Reyes!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Jose Reyes' Ex-Mistress Says Mets Shortstop Led 'Double Life']]\\
''(We also see a shot of Reyes's stats for 2017 up until the time the video was made, showing a batting average of .191)''\\
'''Voice''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noah_Syndergaard Thor!]]\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Mets' Noah Syndergaard Out Indefinitely With Torn Muscle in Torso]]\\
'''Voice''': Steven Matz!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Mets' Steven Matz diagnosed with strained flexor tendon in left elbow; no timetable for return]]\\
'''Voice''': Jacob deGrom!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Jacob deGrom's struggles starting to become worrisome for Mets]]\\
'''Voice''': Seth Lugo!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Elbow Tear of Mets' Seth Lugo Will Cost Him at Least Two Weeks]]\\
'''Voice''': Jeurys Familia!\\
'''Headlines''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Jeurys Familia has surgery on blood clot, season in jeopardy]]\\
''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Mets' Jeurys Familia suspended 15 games for domestic violence incident]]
!![[AC:Danica Patrick: Professional Racing's Blue Screen of Death]]
* The RunningGag in which footage of Patrick crashing during races is interrupted by fake Windows error messages, complete with sound effects, finally culminating in a mock Blue Screen of Death.
-->'''UT''': To me, Danica Patrick is one of the most frustrating drivers in all of racing. To see such potential atrophy to waste is a travesty of motorsport. ''[footage of a post-crash Patrick flipping the bird to the cars still on the track]'' How fitting is it to see this woman race in a league that is ''completely'' falling apart at the s-\\
'''Error message''': WARNING: Corel Video Studio has crashed.\\
Please restart program immediately.\\
'''UT''': Hmm. ''[footage of a photo shoot of Patrick in a two-piece]'' The issue I have with Danica is that she is more focused on being a sex symbol instead of, y'know, ''racing''. ''[footage of Patrick crashing during an Indycar race]'' When she was starting out, she dominated the majority of her competition. There was ''talent'' here. But once she got into Indycar racing, it all fell-\\
'''Error message''': WARNING: Corel Video Studio has once again crashed.\\
Please try again during the next Indian harvest cycle.\\
'''UT''': Fucking hell...\\
[...]\\
'''UT''': ''[over more footage of Patrick crashing mid-race]'' Look at her race results at NASCAR and you will see, simply, mediocrity.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Danica Patrick destined for a middle-of-the-pack Cup career]]\\
'''UT''': Pure, unadulterated, medi-\\
'''Error message''': [[VideoGame/CrashBandicoot CRASH BANDICOOT!]]\\
You wish you were actually playing this game right now.\\
'''UT''': ''Ughhh...''\\
[...]\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Danica Patrick: "We got a bit lucky" with first top-ten finish since 2015]]\\
'''UT''': ''[over footage of Patrick crashing mid-race again]'' Oh boy, she had a couple of top ten finishes in the past! Whip out the lotion and lather all over my-\\
'''Error message''': ACHTUNG! This crash-ridden program has once again crashed.\\
Please delete the offending video files before restarting the program.\\
'''UT''': For FUCK'S sake!...\\
[...]\\
'''Danica Patrick''': ''[recording of her race communications]'' I didn't get any ''[bleep]'' help on pit in, so you saw what happened. About got ''[bleep]'' crashed. 'Cause I ''[bleep]'' went so fast coming in. You know, you just can't-\\
'''Error message''': Like Sisyphus rolling the ball up the hill...\\
We think you already know what has happened.\\
'''UT''': God fucking damn it, girl, stop fucking crashing!\\
[...]\\
'''UT''': The thing is that she's probably going to be here for a bit longer. Even with the notoriety, there will always be a team willing to take her on for the exposure, which will lead to more NASCAR fans frothing at the mouth to-\\
'''Blue Screen of Death''': Windows has encountered a fatal error with the following file: [=DANICA_PATRICK.exe=]\\
If this is the first time seeing this message, try to throw more money at the offending file. It's probably your fault that it keeps crashing.\\
Do not attempt to restart this program unless a new car and livery are issued. Do not use racing statistics and DNF results in negotiations. If a merge with [=RICKY_STENHOUSE.exe=] has not been tried, please attempt to do so.\\
If this problem persists, do not delete the offending file. It's never the file's fault that it keep [''sic''] crashing.\\
Never.
!![[AC:The Pittsburgh Steelers: Professional Football's Pharisee]]
* Sure he took his local team to task, but the setup for it reeks of ExcusePlot...
-->'''UT''': Hmm...I'm bored. I'm open to some requests for material. Fire away, everyone.\\
'''Requester''': [---DO THE STEELERS!---]\\
'''UT''': ...you know what? You're on!
* Le'Veon Bell is another target of his ire, citing his abject greed and stubbornness despite his talent.
-->'''UT''': Hate to say it, because he sheds talent like he does tackles, but the dude's a lolcow. "But how can he be a lolcow?" you ask. He's one of the best runningbacks in the game. The man just wants to get paid, [[TakeThatMe you ignorant hack]]!" Simple. [[TwoWordsObviousTrope Two words: rap career]].\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laQcuR3kv8I What you are hearing]] [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer is not a parody track. This track is 100% legit]]. As terrible as this track is, it's one of the better ones he has. And fuck [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skip_Bayless Skip Bayless]], too.]]\\
'''UT''': ''(disgusted shudder)'' Don't quit your day job anytime soon, buddy...
* "Then there's Antonio Brown--''(shows a picture of Narcissus staring at his reflection in a pond)''--sorry, Antonio Brown. ''(shows footage of him being chauffeured to training camp in [[ConspicuousConsumption an antique, open-top Rolls Royce limousine]])''
* He's had it with fans in his hometown area, too...
-->'''UT''': Do you want to know the ''worst'' part of this organization? The fan base. Oh, jumpin' Jesus Christ, the fan base. You thought the Eagles' fans were bad? Steeler Nation makes them look like choir boys. Growing up and marinating in this shit, I'd rather waltz into [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veterans_Stadium the old Vet]] and [[http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/santa/philadelphia.asp get pelted with snowballs]] all game long than deal with [[UnpleasableFanbase a yinzer]]. Everybody talks about how "loyal" the fans are. How they wouldn't give up on the team no matter ''what'' happens! They obviously drank the Kool-Aid. In reality, we are some of the most knee-jerk sacks of shit you will ever meet! ''[shows fans walking out during a fourth quarter blowout against the Ravens]'' Look at the stands every time they are losing in the second half of a home game and THEN lecture me about their "loyalty". We are the type of people that will go from gloating about how this team is going to win the Super Bowl one week, to demanding everybody and their mother be fired the next! Mike Tomlin may be a walking cliche dispenser who doesn't know how to manage a game clock if his life depended on it, but he's still a Top 10 coach in the league. Most fans want him fired after every loss and even some victories!
!![[AC:The Montreal Canadiens: Professional Hockey's Bergevin]]
* The Marc Bergevin guide to player acquisitions:
## Is he French-Canadian?
## Does he have grit and veteranosity?
## Does he look French?
--->'''UT''': If they meet one of these criteria, then ol' Bergie-boy wants you on the Habs!
* While talking about the Habs' terrible trades and contract extensions in the 2017 offseason,[[note]]Losing Vadim Shipachyov to the Golden Knights, trading Nathan Beaulieu for a draft pick and giving injury-plagued defenceman Karl Alzner a five-year contract, losing Alex Radulov to the Stars after contract negotiations went badly, signing injury-plagued Ales Hemsky in free agency, losing Andrei Markov to the KHL after blowing contract negotiations, trading Markov's potential replacement Mikhail Sergachev for Jonathan Drouin, signing past-his-prime former Canadien Mark Streit, giving Carey Price a ludicrously overpriced eight-year contract extension, and failing to get an elite centre through trading or free agency and being stuck with Drouin for the role.[[/note]] Tree punctuates each one with footage of the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koEA1WjUXKE infamous moment in Game 2 of the 2000 Western Conference Quarterfinals]] when Bergevin, then a defenceman for the Blues, caught a shot on goal by the Sharks' Gary Suter in his glove - and ''threw it into his own goal''.[[note]]Suter was credited with the goal; the (eighth-seeded) Sharks won the game 4-2, and took the series in seven games.[[/note]] Each time, the blunder is accompanied by the ''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' "Mario hitting head on unbreakable block" sound effect.
* Near the end of the litany of Bergevin's horrible decisions on trades and contract extensions, we get to goalie [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carey_Price Carey Price]]:
-->'''UT''': It's time to deal with this Carey Price situation once and for all. The [[{{Pun}} price]] is right--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Price inks richest goaltending contract ever with eight-year, $84 million extention]]\\
'''SFX''': ''(Series/ThePriceIsRight LosingHorns)''\\
'''UT''': ''(loud, shocked coughing)'' [--HOLY SHIT, BERGEVIN, HOW MUCH DID YOU DRINK?!--]
!![[AC:The New York Giants: Professional Football's Sentient Derp]]
* The RecurringRiff that is [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PDJcw9oJt0 The Derp Song]] throughout the video.
-->''[the Derp Song plays over the Giants failing utterly to stop the Lions' Jamal Agnew from running a punt return 88 yards for a touchdown at [=MetLife=] Stadium in Week 3]''\\
'''UT''': Welcome to Giants country, a land where the Derp is a way of life. Where the ways of Derp are passed along from generation to generation until it evolves into a sentient being.
* Playing up Eli Manning as some kind of football IdiotSavant:
-->'''UT''': Look at that guy, he's a Derp-and-a-half! The other half comes from his performance in games--one moment, he looks like he should be sitting next to Archie in the stands; then comes the fourth quarter, in which he develops incredible quarterbacking powers, and somehow Derps his way into two Super Bowl victories against the Patriots' juggernaut. You guys remember when he was fucking terrible and the Giants nearly ran him out of town? That might happen again soon. That man may be one of the most overrated quarterbacks in the game today, but he gave us 18-1. So I'd say he gets a pass for pawning off fake game-worn memorabilia to purveyors...right?
* Describing Odell Beckham Jr. as like Antonio Brown, but just a sliver less of a diva...a sliver...
-->'''UT''': When he's not openly abusing kicking nets, he's demanding to be paid ''[[AllOfThem all of the money]]''. It doesn't matter if he blew it in the playoffs and skipped OTA's, with his talent, there is sure to be some team desperate enough to throw him all of the boat parties he desires. I mean, he's gotta get his hair on point! He has to look good while he's catching all those--''(footage of OBJ kneeling and slumped over in the tunnels leading away from the field)''--oh, dear...
* The video is an UnintentionalPeriodPiece, as the Giants were predicted to go to Super Bowl LII at the time of recording. They went 3-13.
* The ultimate Derp, Ben [=McAdoo=].
-->'''UT''': ''[as the Derp Song plays in the background]'' Heck, I think I hear some theme music in the background. Why, it's none other than the ultimate Derp, Ben [=McAdoo=]! Slowly bumbling his way around the sidelines pretending to be an NFL coach, his tactical incompetence only matched by his borderline sex offender profile. This man is a pair of sweat pants and a wifebeater away from being a 7th grade phys ed teacher at a New England prep school. ''[headlines about player suspensions and allegations that [=McAdoo=] has lost control of the locker room appear]'' If you figure something is going wrong with the Giants, it's probably this guy's fault.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Fucker makes Ray Handley look competent in comparison]]\\
'''UT''': Hell, he's probably slipping in shots of vodka in the office. Look at his motivational tactics: reading a book! ''Game of Thrones''! An old-ass lion! ''[a headline appears for each "motivational tactic"]'' That's gonna motivate his players to not get injured!
* This season was supposed to give Giants fans hope for another Super Bowl run. This HopeSpot is exemplified by their Week 8 mollywhopping at the hands of the Rams ([[AC:NFL: Woeful Giants fall to 1-7 as the Rams rout them 51-17]]), complete with footage of a burning building superimposed onto game footage, the sounds of air raid sirens and bombs going off, and a clip from the ''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' episode "Bart's Comet" of bystanders standing around, cringing, and tugging at their collars.
-->'''UT''': For fuck's sake, Giants, I didn't expect you to imitate Holodomor, but you did just that.
* The Giants have had a rather...straightforward offensive game...
-->'''UT''': The running game hasn't existed in over five years; but look at that wide receiving core!\\
'''Headlines:''' ''(SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Giants lose return man Dwayne Harris for year with broken foot]]\\
[[AC:Sterling Shepard Suffers Ankle Injury vs. Chargers, Reportedly May Miss 2 Weeks]]\\
[[AC:Brandon Marshall to have season-ending ankle surgery]]\\
'''UT''': ...at least you've got OBJ?\\
''(SickeningCrunch and sound of someone screaming)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Odell Beckham Jr. to undergo season-ending surgery on ankle injury]]\\
'''UT''': [[FromBadToWorse Did I mention this all happened during the same week?]]
* Their "vaunted offensive line" is traffic barrels being pushed into place by a slow-moving truck.
* But Ben [=McAdoo=] knows the problem with the Giants' offensive line! Or so he claims...
-->'''UT''': But don't you worry, Giants fans, Ben [=McAdoo=] knows what's up. He has pinpointed this problem to a tee!\\
'''Ben [=McAdoo=]''': ''[in a press conference]'' Uh, sloppy quarterback play. ''[cut to later]'' We have a veteran quarterback who's played a lot of football... I expect us to get the ball snapped.\\
'''[[WesternAnimation/{{Futurama}} Cartridge Unit]]''': ''[puts a cartridge in his mid-section]'' WHAT??\\
'''UT''': Really, man? All the turmoil and chaos on the team and you're going to blame ''Eli?''\\
'''Headlines''': [[AC:In a Game Packed with Mistakes, Ben [=McAdoo=] Shoulders Eli Manning with Much of the Blame]]\\
[[AC:Ben [=McAdoo=] won't rule out benching Eli Manning]]\\
'''UT''': You're more of a fucking idiot than I imagined. Have you '''seen''' that utter lack of a running game? Do you have ''any'' idea what your O-line is looking like- ''[video of a traffic cone being chewed on by a horse]'' oh, hey, it's Ereck Flowers!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Surprisingly accurate]]
* He tosses it off to Five Point Vids to finish up the video.
-->'''UT''': The best comedy always comes from misery; Giants fan, give us some perspective on this bullshit!\\
'''FPV''': Thanks, Tree! It's fitting that you intro me [[MultipleReferencePun using the word]] "Literature/{{Misery}}", since [[https://youtu.be/2pbfkNI2d_A?t=2m35s the scene where the fat bitch hobbles the main character]] has pretty much been the theme for this fucking Giants season. Now normally, I would be miserable at the thought of my [then-]one-win team slogging through a season that has been more horrifying than a minor waiting on the results of a pregnancy test, and having to take my lumps from my fellow Eagle, Redskin, and Cowboy fans, who love to shove bamboo under my fingernails every time my squad loses. But there is one thing I have learned from all this: all things must come to an end, and the Derp Era is coming to an end. And the proper way to end a legend's career...is to tank like operation mother-effing Desert Storm! That's right, I'm trusting Jerry Reese and his accidental string of terrible front office decisions that backed into two Super Bowls...and not much else in between. Yep, it's time to clean house like [[Series/BreakingBad Walter White's Pest Control Company]] and cook up a fresh batch of championship meth! That is, of course, if we don't waste the #1 pick on Saquon Barkley and think, "''next year'' is the last ride!" because I doubt Derp Man has another championship left in his arm. Ah, screw it, just draft Barkley! I mean, look at all that speed! Sure, Eli has another year, [[MissingStepsPlan all we have to do is replace both lines]], [[DisproportionateRetribution shoot Eli Apple]], get DRC to stop giving up on plays ''and'' the team, fire Ben [=McAdoo=], bring back Tom Coughlin, and add Saquon Barkley! Shit, all we have to do is draft Barkley; he is the football equivalent to the cure for herpes that is this Giants season. Screw it! G-Men! Super Bowl champions, 2019, you goddamn assholes!\\
''(The Derp Song cues back up)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:[=McAdoo=] [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext still talking about sex-crazed lion]] as Giants sink to 1-7]]\\
'''FPV''': ''(mocking wail)'' I had you! You thought I was serious. Screw you. [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Anyway, I'm gonna go cry now and post on social media about my feelings]]. This team is going to suck. For a long time...
!![[AC:The Edmonton Oilers: Professional Hockey's Al Bundy]]
* Tree discusses the contract extensions of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Connor_McDavid Connor McDavid]] and [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leon_Draisaitl Leon Draisaitl]]:
-->'''UT''': Connor [=McDavid=] is due for his first big-boy contract.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Connor [=McDavid=] signs 8-year, $100 million extension with Oilers]]\\
'''UT''': $12.5 million per year--god ''damn!'' Well, it's a steep bill, [[WorthIt but he's one of the best players in the game; he needs to be paid.]] Besides, they still need to pay Draisai--\\
'''Headline''' (accompanied by MusicalSting): [[AC:Oilers sign center Leon Draisaitl to eight-year extension]]\\
'''UT''': '''''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?!?!]]''''' An eight-year contract at $8.5 million per year for ''one year of first line production?!'' Do you realize what you've done, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Chiarelli_(ice_hockey) Peter?]] [[DidntThinkThisThrough You've all but broken the fucking league!]] Most players in this status were getting about $2 million per year ''less!'' What the fuck is wrong with you, man? This is the kind of shit that leads to a lockout!
* The "dramatic interpretation" of Edmonton, like Boston, "is on a high speed train roaring towards the explosives factory known as Cap Hell." We get an intercut of [[VideoGame/StarFox64 the legendary Forever Train crash scene]].
!![[AC:Jerry Jones: Professional Football's Palpatine]]
* This video is more a rant about how Jerry Jones, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, has corrupted the organization and has led to the team's long misfortune since their success of the 90's. But the icing on the cake is the last bit, which is narrated over a clip of the final play of Super Bowl LII[[note]]Tom Brady attempting a Hail Mary pass into the endzone, which is deflected by multiple Eagles defenders[[/note]].
-->'''UT''': Cowboys fans, I wish I could say that you could pick on the usual suspects, but one of your main rivals just won the Super Bowl. It's far more than your team will ever accomplish while Jerry Jones is still alive!
!![[AC:The Baltimore Orioles: Professional Baseball's Avian Flu]]
* Tree covers one of the main reasons for the Orioles' poor performance, first baseman Chris Davis, who was on pace to having the worst season ever recorded by a position player...
-->'''UT''': They are paying him $21 million to do this. Is it any wonder why [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Palmer Jim Palmer]] threw him into an open fire on live television? Of course he's hurt by it, nobody wants to have reality rubbed in their faces, but here's a reality that needs to be: he's not even halfway into this contract. I can't wait for the revival of [[http://www.espn.com/blog/new-york/mets/post/_/id/125162/happy-bobby-bonilla-day-his-annual-1-19-million-payday-is-here Bobby Bonilla Day]] in twenty years' time.
* After Tree covers how the Orioles' hitting corps has done poorly, he gets to the pitching corps. We see Orioles pitchers give up hit after hit after hit, accompanied by an overlay of the [[https://i.makeagif.com/media/8-13-2015/3iWtN-.gif conga line]] from ''WesternAnimation/BaseballBugs''.
!![[AC:The Los Angeles Kings: Professional Hockey's West Coast Relic]]
* Tree gets to the current people in charge of running the Kings, former Kings, Rob Blake and Luc Robitaille...
-->'''UT''': Because that's what the hockey world needed to see - another boys' club...\\
''(A montage begins as "Ante Up (Robbin Hood Theory)" by M.O.P. starts playing, with the following supers:)''\\
[[AC:West Coast represent!]]\\
[[AC:Reverse sweep the leg!]]\\
[[AC:Organizational inbreeding!]]\\
[[AC:Relive the glory days!]]\\
[[AC:Cups? We got two!]]\\
[[AC:Party like it's 1993!]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus Rob Blake!]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus Lucky Luc!]]]]\\
''(over a shot of Darryl Sutter)'' [[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus This guy's gone!]]]]\\
''(over a shot of the Stanley Cup)'' [[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus This thing might be too!]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus Eat shit, Vancouver!]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus People gave a shit about us!]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus Us to Pacific Division:]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus But look at the Cups!]]]]\\
''(RecordNeedleScratch as the music and montage end)''\\
'''UT''': ''Alright,'' I'll give them a chance! I mean, I ''was'' wrong about Joe Sakic…
* Tree discussed Drew Doughty's contract extension:
--> '''UT:''' But the big prize, oh yes, that would be re-signing Drew Doughty. The man wants to win championships and is the cornerstone of the defense. Good news LA, you got him. A tremendous scoop for the boys club. Eight years and--\\
'''Headline:''' (accompanied by MusicalSting): [[AC:Drew Doughty signs historic 8-year, $88 million contract with Los Angeles Kings]]\\
'''UT:''' '''''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe HOLY SHIT!!]]''''' ''[Clip of Arsenio Hall doing a SpitTake]'' '''''Eleven million per year??''''' Were you guys paying the free agent tax when there were no other buyers? You do realize the highest paid defensemen are making around 8 million, right? No knock on Doughty, he's a great player, but that much for Drew's latter years? ''[A caption reads "The issue isn't giving him a contract, it's that they paid too much."]'' Ever hear of the aging process? Hope you have the FountainOfYouth lying around for that. If I'm Erik Karlsson [[note]]Recently traded to the San Jose Sharks at the time of the video's uploading[[/note]] I'm sending you guys a fruit basket for the next decade.
* As UT explains, the Browns do not have the best drafting reputation...[[ShaggyDogStory and that's the]] ''[[ShaggyDogStory least]]'' [[ShaggyDogStory of their issues]]...
-->'''UT''': [[http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-network-top-ten/0ap2000000113877/Top-Ten-Controversial-Calls-Bottle-gate Bottlegate!]] [[EpicFail Gross incompetence by NFL officials]]! '''''(BUZZER)''''' [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kellen_Winslow_II First round pick]] decides to be a fucking idiot--crashes motorcycle in parking lot. '''''(BUZZER)''''' [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justin_Gilbert First round pick]] decides to be a fucking idiot--gets into numerous confrontations with the law. '''''(BUZZER)''''' [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Manziel First round pick]] [[BaitAndSwitch decides to be "Johnny Football"]]--[[InsultToRocks an insult to the term "fucking idiot"]]. '''''([[http://i.imgur.com/9smcd.png AIR HORN]])'''''\\
''(Footage of a Monday Night Football game, Ravens @ Browns. The last play of the game, a field goal attempt, is blocked, and subsequently ran back for a Ravens touchdown.)''\\
''(Overlayed over the game-winning touchdown is phone-cam footage of a man ripping his Browns jersey off)''\\
'''Another fan''': [[DespairEventHorizon I fucking hate the Browns! I hate the Browns so goddamn much]]!\\
''([[AC:Disappointment Intensifies]])'' '''''(BUZZER)'''''\\
'''UT''': Staph infections! '''''(BUZZER)''''' More staph infections! '''''(BUZZER)''''' The staph infection known as Johnny Football! '''''(AIR HORN)''''' Sign [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LeCharles_Bentley the top center of the free agent class]], who suffers a [[GameBreakingInjury career-ending injury on the first play of training camp!]] '''''(BUZZER)''''' [[ShaggyDogStory And he...also...got a staph infection]]. '''''(BUZZER)'''''\\
''(phone cam footage of someone outside Browns Stadium)''\\
'''Mike Polk Jr.''': [[EpicFail You are a factory of sadness!]]\\
([[AC:Cleveland's top export]]) '''''(BUZZER)'''''\\
'''UT''': Signing perennial underachiever [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dwayne_Bowe Dwayne Bowe]] for $9 million...to make ''five'' catches. ''(Caption: [[AC:Five whole catches!]])'' Five. '''''(BUZZER)''''' A revolving carousel of head coaches, general managers, and quarterbacks!\\
'''''(BUZZER)''''' ''[[AC:([[http://dailysnark.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Screen-Shot-2016-03-25-at-10.43.23-PM.png Not pictured: Three More Quarterbacks *As of November 2016]])]]''\\
'''UT''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Griffin_III RG]]--oh, wait, [[MadeOfPlasticine he injured himself walking to the podium]]. Never mind.
* Tree goes over the Browns' first round picks since 1999. A sample of their bad decisions:
-->[[AC:2005]]\\
'''UT''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Braylon_Edwards Big game wide receiver?]] Yes, please! Only one teensy little problem: he's not exactly the greatest teammate. And he can't really catch.\\
[[AC:Ding]]\\
'''UT''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kamerion_Wimbley Linebacker!]] And he doesn't suck! '''[[WhatAnIdiot LET'S TRADE HIM!]]'''\\
[[AC:2007]]\\
'''UT''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Thomas_(offensive_tackle) Joe Thomas!]] And let's trade next year's first for [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brady_Quinn another quarterback!]]\\
'''Brady Quinn''': Now I'm done.\\
'''UT''': Yes you are, Brady. You were done the moment you put on a Browns jersey.\\
[[AC:2008]]\\
'''UT''': One of the best first round picks Cleveland has ever made: no one. ''(cue Supa Hot Fire FreakOut)''
* Towards the end of Tree going over the revived Browns' first round picks:
-->[[AC:2014 - Prepare to Die Edition]]\\
'''UT''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justin_Gilbert Two]] [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Manziel radioactive cancers]] for the price of one? Sold! They have major maturity issues ''and'' may not actually care about football? Who cares, we've got Johnny fucking Football! ...What's that? We spent six figures on an analysis of the best quarterback in the draft? And they said it was Teddy Bridgewater.\\
'''''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' anchor''': ''[points at screen]'' You ''stupid''...! ''[trails off laughing]''\\
'''Supers''': [[AC:Bridgewater picked ten spots after Manziel]]\\
[[AC:GG WP]]
!![[AC:The Jacksonville Jaguars: Professional Football's Forgotten Lolcow]]
* [[TwoWordsObviousTrope Three words]]: Shocked Jaguars Fan.
-->'''UT''': Let me put it to you this way: [[http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/02/incredulous.gif This]] is the most notable thing to come out of that franchise in the past decade. Look at it. [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Soak. It. In]].
* "I know this'll probably piss off Jaguars fans. But there's a part of me that feels sorry for all eight of them."
!![[AC:The San Francisco 49ers: Professional Football's newest Lolcow]]
* UT quickly goes over the 49ers' disastrous 2014 campaign after which head coach Jim Harbaugh left to coach at Michigan. Then came the offseason.
-->'''UT''': [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh, dear christ, the the offseason...]] '''''(BUZZER)''''' Your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patrick_Willis star linebacker]] that was injured for most of the season? He retired in his prime! '''''(BUZZER)''''' Your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justin_Smith_(defensive_end) elder statesman on the D-Line]] who was still producing at a solid rate? He also retired. '''''(BUZZER)''''' Your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthony_Davis_(offensive_tackle,_born_1989) starting right tackle]] in his prime? You guessed it! He retired. '''''[[RunningGag (BUZZER)]]''''' Who the fuck else is going to retire? The [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Borland rookie linebacker]] [[TemptingFate who exceeded expectations and may start next season?]]\\
'''Headline''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' [[AC:SF's Borland Retires over Safety Issues]]\\
'''UT''': [[CurseCutShort Son of a-]] '''''(BUZZER)''''' Your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Gore aging star running back]] is gone. '''''(BUZZER)''''' Your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Crabtree talented, yet underachieving top wide receiver]] is gone. '''''(BUZZER)''''' The [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Iupati Pro Bowl guard?]] Yep! He's gone too. '''''(BUZZER)''''' Both of the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Culliver starting]] [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perrish_Cox cornerbacks.]] [[ClicheStorm Do I even need to say it?]] '''''(BUZZER)''''' I mean, you sign people! You signed [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Torrey_Smith Torrey Smith!]] A wide receiver, whose main strength is... Go deep. On a team with shitty quarterbacks. '''''(BUZZER)''''' Your [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Tomsula new head coach...]] is the defensive line coach with no head coaching experience. [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong Totally not a patsy!]] '''''(BUZZER)''''' Look on the bright side. At least you have [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aldon_Smith Aldon Smith.]] That dude is a beast! If he can keep clean, he'll be-\\
'''Headline''': ''[RecordNeedleScratch]'' [[AC:Aldon Smith arrested in California on charges including DUI, hit and run]]\\
'''UT''': [[FromBadToWorse GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!]]\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:49ers release Aldon Smith after DUI, hit-and-run arrest]] '''''(BUZZER)'''''\\
'''UT''': The continued emergence of trust-fund mega douche Jed York, insuring decades of incompetence and poor management to come! Good god, that's at least five years worth of Cleveland-esque misery!
!![[AC:The Vancouver Canucks: Professional Hockey's Lolcow]]
* Tree introduces his audience to the wonders of hockey lolcows:
-->'''UT''': The scene begins in an NBC TV studio. Today, a man like [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Milbury Mike Milbury]] can hold his head high. He can look at himself in the mirror with confidence and pride. "It's okay", he thinks to himself. "I'm not the GM of the Vancouver Canucks".
* After running through their history of futility and recent stubbornness in terms of play style and personnel, he then comes to their leadership:
-->''[while showing footage of a group of Canucks executives riding in a car]''\\
'''UT''': And now we get to the elephant in the room: A man that is completely tactless, bumbling, laughed at by everyone, and falls in love with absolutely terrible players for "intangibles" -\\
''[[[BaitAndSwitch cuts to]] footage of the Canucks' then-head coach glowering from behind the bench]''\\
'''UT''': But enough about [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willie_Desjardins Willie Desjardins]] -\\
''[cuts to a press conference with one of the executives from the car ride]''\\
'''UT''': Let's talk about [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Benning Jim Benning]], a man who firmly believes [[https://www.eliteprospects.com/staff/23570/brandon-benning his son]] is a quality NHL scout, and [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Weisbrod an embarrassment of a scout in Calgary]] is a quality assistant GM.
!![[AC:The Philadelphia 76ers: The Process of Becoming a Lolcow]]
* "Fuck you, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LeBron_James LeBron]], here come the 76ers!"
* Describing how Sam Hinkey [[{{Understatement}} might not have known what he was doing]]...
-->'''UT''': Sam Hinkey struck me as a man who played ''way'' too much out-of-the-park baseball when he was younger. Unfortunately for him, the other managers aren't [[AIBreaker AI that can be cheesed]]; they'll just take your assets and laugh at you as they kick your team's ass all over the court.[[note]]Shows a graphic of the 76ers' disastrous 26-game losing streak[[/note]]
* The three-step "plan" that is The Process:
## Trade Fucking Everything
## Draft all of the injured players and Europeans
## Force the NBA to intervene
--->'''UT''': It's total fucking liquidation! EVERYTHING MUST GO!
* "Those European players you draft? They'll be so disgusted in the team that they [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere refuse to sign with you! It's foolproof!]]"
!![[AC:The New York Jets - Professional Football's Buttfumble]]
* "J-E-T-S SUCK, SUCK, SUCK!" ''(crowd cheers as man [[FlippingTheBird flips everyone off]])''
* The painful HopeSpot of the Jets possibly making it into the playoffs at the end of the '15-'16 season against the Bills:
-->'''UT''': The final game of the Jets' 2015 season was one filled with [[HopeSpot a surprising amount of hope for Jets fans]]: win and they're in the playoffs. And, even better, they're playing the walking mediocrity that is the Buffalo Bills. This is one of those rare years that they ''aren't'' in the league's cellar. Who knows what happens to them in the playoffs. They've literally got their ticket punched ''for'' them...oh, ''right'', this is the ''Jets''. They completely [[BodyHorror prolapsed]] the entire game with Fitz-ceptions all around. The Jets lose, and fail to make the playoffs. Their fans [[DrowningMySorrows immediately increase their alcohol consumption tenfold]]. Jack Daniels and Fireball immediately sell out within a five-mile radius. ''(sound of glass shattering)'' The New York Jets, everyone!
* According to Tree, the only bright spot in Jets history is their upset win in Super Bowl III over the Baltimore Colts, which cemented the legacy of Joe Namath - "the most overrated quarterback of all time".[[note]]Many analysts note that although Namath's boast that the Jets would win the game has become the stuff of legend, it was the Jets' defence that turned the game in their favour; Namath's performance on the field was pedestrian at best.[[/note]] And he's still one of the best they've ever had - especially compared to their then-current quarterback:
-->'''UT''': Who else have they had play QB over the years? A bunch of past-their-prime entities, gobs upon gobs of failed draft picks, ''[a clip of Mark Sanchez appears, captioned "FULL SANCHISE"]'' and a swath of forgotten mediocrities. Their most successful quarterback over the past twenty-five years... is Chad Pennington. [-Jesus fucking Christ in the ass with no lube...-] To be fair, he's still a ''hell'' of a lot better than ''Series/DuckDynasty'' imitato Ryan Fitzpatrick, who fits both the ageing journeyman ''and'' forgotten mediocrity checklist. He somehow pulled a strong year out of his ''ass'' last season - well, excluding that shitshow in the most important game - and suddenly decided he was hot shit. He demanded ''all of the money'' from the Jets. The Jets respond by laughing him out of the building. They have in-house options like Bryce Petty, and Geno Smith!... ''[scoffs]'' I can't even ''pretend'' to be optimistic about that! It was the most ''hilarious'' contract holdout in recent history. Fitzception never got a reasonable contract offer from any other team, and the Jets did nothing to try and replace him. What's a more Jetsy thing to do than re-sign such mediocrity to a one-year pity contract? It's like a couple getting into a massive argument, and then reconciling with an incredibly depressing handjob.
* "It's also pretty hard for the Jets to build from within as well. There's no other way to describe their drafting than 'legendarily '''bad'''.'" So begins a montage of hilarious failure entitled "[[AC:Jets drafting in two minutes]]", many clips in which feature reaction shots of Jets fans in utter misery. Lowlights include:
** Drafting Ken O'Brien in 1983 when Dan Marino was still available.[[note]]Marino's draft prospects had plunged in the preceding months, as he was coming off a weak final season at the University of Pittsburgh and was alleged to have recreational drug problems, but O'Brien was such an obscure choice that many fans and journalists - and Marino himself - had no idea who he was. Two years later, they made a similar blunder when they needed a wide receiver and chose Wisconsin's Al Toon (in fairness, both O'Brien and Toon had respectable careers in New York, each being named AFC Player of the Year and being chosen for multiple Pro Bowls), allowing the 49ers to draft a certain Mississippi Valley State WR named Jerry Rice, who went on to set over 100 NFL records (including receptions, receiving yards, and touchdowns) and is widely held to be one of the greatest players in NFL history. In 1990, they made the same mistake ''again'' when they needed a running back and drafted Penn State's Blair Thomas (one of many Heisman Trophy winners whose NFL careers never took off), leaving future NFL rushing yards record-setter and Hall of Famer Emmitt Smith of Florida available for the Cowboys.[[/note]]
--->'''Pete Rozelle:''' Jets take, as their first round selection... quarterback... ''[shouts of anticipation from Jets fans; a video clip of a young Marino appears in the top right of the screen]''\\
'''Caption:''' [[AC:Marino intensifies]]\\
'''Pete Rozelle:''' ... Ken O'Brien of California-Davis. ''[reaction shot of Jets fans groaning and facepalming]''\\
'''Caption:''' [[AC:Pete Rozelle, 10/10 epic troll]]
** Drafting fullback Roger Vick from Texas A&M in the first round in 1987.[[note]]Making the decision more bizarre: ''no other fullbacks'' were drafted that year. Vick's career fizzled out after three seasons.[[/note]] As soon as Pete Rozelle says the word "fullback", a Jets fan can be heard screaming [[BigNo "OH GOD, NO!"]], punctuated in the video with a shot of Vader's BigNo from ''Film/RevengeOfTheSith''.
** The choice of Nebraska tight end Johnny Mitchell in the first round in 1992[[note]]This immediately followed the Giants drafting Notre Dame tight end Derek Brown, sparking the declaration "So New York, New York is now tight end, tight end!"[[/note]] prompts cries of disgust and dismay from the Jets fans in the audience. Fast-forward to 1995, with Miami defensive tackle and future Hall of Famer Warren Sapp still available and Jets fans chanting "WE WANT SAPP! WE WANT SAPP!" - and the Jets opt instead for ''another'' tight end in Penn State's Kyle Brady.[[note]]As with Marino in 1983, Sapp's prospects had taken a knock due to revelations about failed drug tests, but the Jets fans in the audience at the draft were optimistic that he could clean up his act in New York. Whether he actually did clean up his act during his career with the Buccaneers remains debated.[[/note]] Cue the unnamed TV anchor from ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'' episode "Deep Space Homer" [[YourTelevisionHatesYou pointing at the screen and laughing]] while saying "You ''stupid''...!"
** Drafting OSU kicker Mike Nugent in the second round in 2005; the announcement of his name is followed by [[JawDrop slack-jawed shock]] from a horrified Jets fan.[[note]]The number of games decided by field goals means a good kicker can be a valuable asset, but it's generally held that if a kicker is chosen early in the draft, he'd better be world class. Nugent wasn't even close.[[/note]]
** Drafting OSU defensive end Vernon Gholston in 2008. The caption [[AC:No sacks, cut in three years]] appears with the 1980s Mac OS "quack" sound effect,[[note]]'''Over six hundred other players''' managed at least one sack in those three years.[[/note]] summing up why Gholston is considered one of the biggest draft busts in Jets history (and as this list makes apparent, there's a ''lot'' of competition for that title).
** Drafting USC quarterback (and future butt-fumbler) Mark Sanchez in 2009. A reaction shot of cheering Jets fans at the announcement, captioned "[[AC:Before Sanchise]]", is followed with footage of Sanchez throwing an intercepted pass against the Titans and a shot of Jets fans with green paper bags over their heads with Sanchez' name written on them, captioned "[[AC:After Sanchise]]".
** Outdoing themselves in 2013 with ''three'' terrible draft picks in the first two rounds.
--->''[first round, the Jets have pick No.9]''\\
'''Roger Goodell''': The New York Jets select... Dee Milliner, defensive back, Alabama.\\
'''Voice''': ''[from behind the handheld camera pointed at the TV screen in this footage]'' Dee Milliner, nice pick! Nice pick!\\
''[the Jets fans in the audience at the draft disagree, greeting the news with a mass double thumbs down and sneers of disapproval]''\\
'''Caption''': ''[quack!]'' [[AC:Cut in three years]] ''[[[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 "Nope!"]]]''\\
''[four picks later...]''[[note]]The Jets traded Darelle Revis to the Buccaneers in exchange for their first round draft pick.[[/note]]\\
'''Roger Goodell''': ... the thirteenth pick in the 2013 NFL draft...\\
'''Caption''': ''[rushing across the screen, echoing the audience]'' [[AC:What???]]\\
'''Roger Goodell''': ... the New York Jets select... Sheldon Richardson, defensive back, Missouri.\\
''[footage of an irate Jets fan at a game standing up in his seat]''\\
'''Jets fan''': I SWEAR TO GOD, WE SUCK! ''[turns to the other fans and motions them to join in]'' WE SUCK! WE SUCK!\\
'''Headlines''': [[AC:Sheldon Richardson Arrested After Being Clocked at 143 MPH in Bentley]]\\
[[AC:Jets discipline Richardson for profanity-laden Snapchat post]]\\
''[the next day, the Jets have the 39th pick overall]''\\
'''Wayne Chrebet''':[[note]]Former wide receiver with the Jets, 1995-2005.[[/note]] New York Jets select Geno Smith, quarterback, West Virginia.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:His jaw: Permanently broken]][[note]]A reference to an August 2015 incident when his then-teammate Ikemefuna Enemkpali punched him in the jaw, supposedly because Smith owed him money. Enemkpali was promptly released by the Jets, while Smith lost the starting quarterback position to Ryan Fitzpatrick; see the beginning of the video for how well ''that'' turned out.[[/note]]
** Drafting Penn State quarterback Christian Hackenberg in the second round in 2016, as announced by 2000 Jets draftee Chad Pennington and greeted with enthusiasm by a fan at the draft. Cue footage of Hackenberg hopelessly misfiring an easily-intercepted pass against the Eagles, accompanied by [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 the Engineer's "Nope!"]]
* He lets them have it with a diatribe on the most notorious moment in the franchise's recent history (footage of which is accompanied by the ''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' sound effect for Mario hitting his head on an unbreakable object at Sanchez's "moment of impact"):
-->'''UT''': ''[as Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King" plays in the background]'' So if you can't draft, can't play, and can't care, what the hell is this team even notable for anymore--oh, that's right! [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butt_fumble The Butt-fumble!]] One of the greatest plays to ever be devised by the Football Gods for our comedic enjoyment! [[http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/02/incredulous.gif Shocked Jaguars Fan]] may be a depressing offering, but he at least ''has dignity''; "Butt-fumble" is so full of shame it's now a figure of speech. It is the perfect representation of failure, buffoonery, submission, and outstanding comedic timing that football has been dying for since [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Marshall_(American_football) Jim Marshall]] [[http://www.nfl.com/videos/minnesota-vikings/0ap3000000564787/This-Day-in-NFL-History-Jim-Marshall-runs-the-wrong-way ran the wrong way for a safety]]. I could play this clip on repeat for five minutes with "Yakety Sax" in the background and it would just as strongly prove my case! In fact, [[UpToEleven I'll go further and say that this play is the perfect microcosm of the Jets organization]]. Everything surrounding this team is a butt-fumble. Their performance [in 2016-17]? Butt-fumble. The free agent signings are usually butt-fumbles. How they play in critical games? Absolutely a butt-fumble. [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brett_Favre Brett Favre]] sending dick picks? He butt-fumbled. John Idzik's tenure? Total butt-fumble! [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rex_Ryan Rex Ryan]] constantly butt-fumbled his way around the sidelines for six seasons. [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rich_Kotite Rich Kotite?]] That dude even ''looks'' [[{{Gonk}} like a butt-fumble]]! [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Belichick Bill Belichick]] butt-fumbled by accepting a head coaching position with the Jets, then [[https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/remember-when-bill-belichick-quit-as-hc-of-the-nyj-after-one-day/ gloriously un-butt-fumbled on a paper napkin!]] The Jets butt-fumbled by injuring [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drew_Bledsoe Drew Bledsoe!]][[note]]It was his injury that allowed then-backup Tom Brady to get into an NFL game.[[/note]] [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryan_Fitzpatrick Ryan Fitzpatrick's]] contract holdout was a ''double''-butt-fumble! They continue to draft butt-fumble after butt-fumble after butt-fumble. Even their fan base, like [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fireman_Ed Fireman Ed]], is a butt-fumble. [[INeedAFreakingDrink They drink themselves into a stupor after witnessing such butt-fumbling]], and then butt-fumble their way into creating more butt-fumbling bastard-spawn.[[note]]A clip of a child in a Jets jersey and helmet is captioned with [[AC:Pictured: Child Abuse]][[/note]] [[MedalOfDishonor This play should be enshrined and bronzed as a statue outside of MetLife Stadium]] for all of us to bask in and enjoy, courtesy of a donation from the Mara family.[[note]]The owners of the New York Giants since their foundation.[[/note]] Our future children and grandchildren should be able to laugh like we all did on that glorious day for millennia to come!
!![[AC:The Cincinnati Bengals: Professional Football's Recurring Lolcow]]
* The embodiment of FromBadToWorse that is the final minutes of the 2016 Wild Card game between the Bengals and the Steelers. The Bengals haven't won a playoff game since 1990 and have been flushed out in the Wild Card game four years running, but backup Steelers quarterback Landry Jones has a pass intercepted by Vontaze Burfict with 1:36 left in the fourth quarter and Cincinnati leading 16-15; is this the year they finally turn things around? '''No.'''
** Tree congratulates Cincinnati on the interception, and notes they just need to run down the clock to clinch victory and emerge from the shadow of their 1990s/2000s lolcowdom. The wheels fall off on ''the very next play'':
--->''[Jeremy Hill tries to run the ball - and the clock - but fumbles to [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 the Engineer's "Nope!"]], and the ball is recovered by Steelers linebacker Ryan Shazier]''\\
'''UT''': Oh, ''God'', not this ''again''. To have the game so, ''so'' close to victory, and make yet another basic mistake has the potential for disaster. Thoughts of the past ten years are rushing into the heads of Bengals fans everywhere. Nearly every year was full of postseason promise, only to crumble, choke, or blow away games with amazing fashion. Carson Palmer's knee getting destroyed at home in 2006 against the Steelers. ''[the play in question is overdubbed with a SickeningCrunch, Fred from ''WesternAnimation/SpongeBobSquarePants'' yelling "My leg!" and [[VideoGame/MaddenNFL Pat Summerall declaring "Oh, no, there's a man down"]].]'' A stunning loss to Mark Sanchez and the Jets. Giving up twenty unanswered points to the goddamn ''Chargers''. And being humiliated by the Houston Texans. ''Twice''. You haven't even made it out of the Wild Card game in all of these years. This season ''can't'' end in yet another failure. This year ''has'' to be different. It ''has'' to be. They're forced to bring out a Big Ben loaded up with enough painkillers to put an elephant in a coma.[[note]]Roethlisberger was dealing with a shoulder injury after being sacked by Burfict at the end of the third quarter.[[/note]] The Steelers can ''not'' humiliate the Bengals again.
** And then the axles break in half as the Bengals start destroying their own hopes more than the Steelers could hope to do:
--->''[having driven 43 yards to the Bengals' 47-yard line, Ben Roethlisberger tries to pass the ball to Antonio Brown; the pass is incomplete, but Vontaze Burfict smashes into Brown's helmet with his own, taking him out of the game and getting the Bengals slapped with a 15-yard unnecessary roughness penalty]''\\
'''UT''': ''[disgusted]'' Vontaze Burfict. He had to pick ''this'' fucking time to try and kill somebody. On one of the ''biggest'' plays of his career, he egregiously makes a blatant helmet-to-helmet hit. He went from hero to goat in world record time. This is nearly every goddamn week with this guy. Don't even argue with me about his abilities. Burfict has been trying to target people since his rookie season. The NFL preaches about player safety, yet ''this guy'' is still on the field!? This man is a total ''thug'', plain and simple. The only ''true'' potential he has is to share a jail cell with Greg Hardy in ten years. Get this piece of shit out of the league. ''[footage of the infamous clip of Steelers free safety Mike Mitchell's high-pitched screaming after being hit with a face mask-pulling penalty against the Browns in January 2017]'' And take Mike Mitchell with you. [[TemptingFate Can this get ANY worse?]]
** And ''then'', to continue the metaphor, the engine blows up...
--->''[arguments erupt over the penalty call against Burfict, culminating in Adam "Pacman" Jones taking a swipe at an official and getting the Bengals hit with ''another'' 15-yard penalty, giving the Steelers the ball on the 17-yard line]''\\
'''UT''': Are you motherfucking '''kidding''' me, Pacman?! You hit the goddamn '''ref''' when you know ''damn well'' another penalty will put them in field goal range!? Are you ''fucking'' '''dense?!''' All we kept hearing about was how ''[various headlines appear claiming that Jones is cleaning up his life and his attitude]'' Adam Jones was doing ''so'' well to contain his emotions, and he does '''this!?''' It doesn't even matter if Joey Porter was trolling people on the field. You do '''not touch the ref.''' ''[a red "No" symbol appears with a buzzer over footage of the incident]'' Even worse are your postgame rants.\\
''[the ''Series/CurbYourEnthusiasm'' theme plays over handheld camera footage of Jones]''\\
'''Adam Jones''': You got fuckin', um, uh... Jared Porter ''[a picture of ''Joey'' Porter, captioned with his name, appears in the top right]'' in the middle of the fuckin' field talkin' shit to everybody, ''[a Trollface rises into frame in the bottom left]'' why didn't somebody say somethin' to him, when he ''pushed'' me on the ''fuckin' field!? [the Trollface ducks out of frame again]''\\
''[cut to footage of Jones calling Dan Patrick on his eponymous show]''\\
'''Dan Patrick''': Was Antonio Brown actually hurt?\\
'''Adam Jones''': ''[over phone]'' Man, Antonio Brown was ''not'' hurt.\\
'''Dan Patrick''': You think he was faking it?\\
'''Adam Jones''': I ''know'' he was faking. Go back and look at the play. ''[slow-motion footage of the play appears]'' If you go back and slow-motion the play, ''[at the moment of impact, an arrow appears next to Brown with the caption "TOTALLY FAKED CONCUSSION"]'' you tell me that, that, uh, Vontaze hit him in the head, or did his shoulder pad barely touch him. ''[the hit is shown from another angle, this time with the caption "'BARELY GRAZED' -DR. PACMAN"]'' I think he need a Grammy award ''[with a Mac OS "quack", a picture of a Grammy appears, captioned "EMMY"]'' for that.\\
'''UT''': Fucking Pacman. You had more goddamn dignity when you were in Wrestling/{{TNA}}.\\
''[back in the game, Chris Boswell kicks the winning field goal; 18-16 Steelers]''
!![[AC:The Carolina Hurricanes: A [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJtiepwpKFw Brass Bonanza]]]]
* Apparently the Hurricanes' marketing department may have gotten desperate...
-->'''Hurricanes Man''': LOOK AT ALL OF THE WONDERFUL FANS WE HAVE IN ATTENDANCE!\\
''(cue photos of a half-empty PNC Arena with crickets chirping)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Carolina Hurricanes have lowest attendance - by nearly 12 percent]]\\
'''UT''': ''(normal voice)'' Shhhhhhhit...\\
''(test pattern)''\\
'''Hurricanes Man''': FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE COME TO OUR GAMES! OUR OWNER IS BANKRUPT AND BEING SUED BY HIS SONS FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS HE TOOK FROM THEIR TRUST FUND!\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Peter Karmanos sued by his adult sons for $105M]]\\
'''UT''': ''(normal voice)'' [[DeadpanSnarker What a great family man!]]\\
'''Hurricanes Man''': SPEAKING OF FAMILY, YOU CAN ATTEND GAMES ON THE CHEAP! WE'VE GOT TICKETS AS LOW AS FIFTEEN DOLLARS!\\
'''Second voice''': That's like a meal at Red Lobster!
!![[AC:The Chicago Bears: Professional Football's Legacy Lolcow]]
* The Bears have been so bad for so long, and UT ponders as to why...
-->'''UT''': I don't know what's more amazing--the fact that the Chicago Bears are such a lower-profile circus act, or that there are ''still'' avid fans of the team.[[note]]Requests from Website/YouTube commenters to address the Bears appear onscreen[[/note]] Having a good year as often as Halley's Comet will take ''a lot'' of enthusiasm out of people. But here we are--another forgettable season and more wasteful stenches coming out of Soldier Field. Did I mention this has been almost ''every'' year for the last 25 years? [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTq4JUDy52M I think I know why you've been punished like this]]...\\
'''1985 Chicago Bears''': ♪ [[EarWorm We are the Bears shufflin' crew]] ♪--\\
'''WebVideo/FilthyFrank''': ''(via [[ChromaKey green screen]])'' THIS NEEDS TO STOP. ''NOW.''
* His rants on the family that owns the Bears...''The [=McCaskeys=]!''
-->''(MusicalSting and DramaticThunder as [[AC:The [=McCaskeys=]!!!!]] WreathedInFlames shakes back and forth on-screen)''\\
'''UT''': [[LampshadeHanging I don't know why it keeps doing that...]]
!![[AC:The New York Knicks: Professional Basketball's Lolcow]]
* Tree roasts the Knicks for failing at failing, and thus being unable to benefit from the NBA draft. Cue a clip of the Knicks embarrassing themselves against the Spurs...
-->'''UT''': How could they win it with such excellent defense?\\
''[as the Knicks try and fail miserably to get the ball away from the Spurs' Dewayne Dedmon before he can make a basket, each failure is punctuated with sound effects and headlines]''\\
'''Headlines''': ''[[[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 "Nope!"]]]'' [[AC:Knicks' Coaches Scramble to Fix the Defense Before It's Too Late]]\\
''["Nope!"]'' [[AC:Jeff Hornacek: Knicks' defense must improve; not sure if it can]]\\
''[Dedmon gets the ball again with a ''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' coin sound effect, then finally sinks the basket to the ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog1'' "1-up" jingle]''\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:25th in defensive efficiency!!!]]
!![[AC:The Pittsburgh Pirates: Professional Baseball's Drunken Sailor]]
* Problems start right off the bat.
-->'''UT''': [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh boy, this one's gonna hurt]]...\\
''(Colorado pitcher Jordan Lyles beans Pittsburgh batter Ryan Vogelsong right in the head with a fastball, dropping him.)''\\
'''UT''': What, that guy? Don't worry about him; he'll be fine. He'll be pitching again in a few months.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Vogelsong makes first start since injury]]\\
'''UT''': See? He's good. What ''isn't'' good right now are the Pirates.
* He wants to praise his hometown squad so badly...
-->'''UT''': But enough of the negativity; the Pirates still have [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starling_Marte Starling Marte]]. That dude's a beast. You can't get any be--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Pirates' Starling Marte suspended 80 games for violating MLB's performance-enhancing drug policy]]\\
'''UT''': ARE YOU ''(desk slam)'' ''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW]]?!'' HOW THE FUCK DO YOU "ACCIDENTALLY" TAKE [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nandrolone ONE OF THE MOST COMMON STEROIDS KNOWN TO MAN?!]] MARTE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!\\
'''UT''': Here's a foolproof one: [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jameson_Taillon Jameson Taillon]], total stud. Potential to be one of the best in the ga--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Jameson Taillon undergoes surgery for testicular cancer]]\\
'''UT''': Nope. Nope. Nope. I can't. ''(sounding more distant)'' [--I can't. I'm sorry. I can't! I ca--''(sobs)'' I FUCKING HATE THIS TEAM! [[AtomicFBomb FUUUUUUUUU]]--!--]\\
''(A [[WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By]] scene pops up, showing [[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Kent Brockman]] in a straitjacket with a cuckoo bird popping out of his forehead, with UT's Website/YouTube icon over his face...all set to Music/DeanMartin's [[SoundtrackDissonance "That's Amore"]])''
* "Fuck this team! Fuck it with [[{{Squick}} a dildo made of Clint Hurdle's used Dubble Bubble]]!
!![[AC:The New York Mets: Professional Baseball's Rotting Apple]]
* The video goes over some of the Mets' big name players and why or how they haven't made an impact...all while the Mets' ImageSong [[https://youtu.be/Jfz7gW2Wf3I Meet the Mets]] plays:
-->'''Voice''': Brace yourself for all of the glorious talent on the Mets this year: Yoenis Cespedes!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Cespedes placed on DL with pulled hamstring]]\\
'''Voice''': "The Real Deal" Neil Walker!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Neil Walker leaves Mets' game with left leg injury]]\\
'''Voice''': Curtis Granderson!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over [[WesternAnimation/TheSpongeBobSquarePantsMovie "MY EYES!"]])'' [[AC:Mets' Curtis Granderson: Relegated to reserve role]]\\
'''Voice''': Asdrubal Cabrera!\\
'''Headlines''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Asdrubal Cabrera 'not really happy' with move to 2B, asks to be traded]]\\
''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Asdrubal Cabrera leaves Mets game with thumb injury]]\\
'''Voice''': The great David Wright!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:David Wright suffered another setback in his injury rehab]]\\
'''Voice''': Travis d'Arnaud!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Travis d'Arnaud is making the Mets move on from him]]\\
'''Voice''': The renaissance of Jose Reyes!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Jose Reyes' Ex-Mistress Says Mets Shortstop Led 'Double Life']]\\
''(We also see a shot of Reyes's stats for 2017 up until the time the video was made, showing a batting average of .191)''\\
'''Voice''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noah_Syndergaard Thor!]]\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Mets' Noah Syndergaard Out Indefinitely With Torn Muscle in Torso]]\\
'''Voice''': Steven Matz!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Mets' Steven Matz diagnosed with strained flexor tendon in left elbow; no timetable for return]]\\
'''Voice''': Jacob deGrom!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Jacob deGrom's struggles starting to become worrisome for Mets]]\\
'''Voice''': Seth Lugo!\\
'''Headline''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Elbow Tear of Mets' Seth Lugo Will Cost Him at Least Two Weeks]]\\
'''Voice''': Jeurys Familia!\\
'''Headlines''': ''(over SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Jeurys Familia has surgery on blood clot, season in jeopardy]]\\
''(over StockScream)'' [[AC:Mets' Jeurys Familia suspended 15 games for domestic violence incident]]
!![[AC:Danica Patrick: Professional Racing's Blue Screen of Death]]
* The RunningGag in which footage of Patrick crashing during races is interrupted by fake Windows error messages, complete with sound effects, finally culminating in a mock Blue Screen of Death.
-->'''UT''': To me, Danica Patrick is one of the most frustrating drivers in all of racing. To see such potential atrophy to waste is a travesty of motorsport. ''[footage of a post-crash Patrick flipping the bird to the cars still on the track]'' How fitting is it to see this woman race in a league that is ''completely'' falling apart at the s-\\
'''Error message''': WARNING: Corel Video Studio has crashed.\\
Please restart program immediately.\\
'''UT''': Hmm. ''[footage of a photo shoot of Patrick in a two-piece]'' The issue I have with Danica is that she is more focused on being a sex symbol instead of, y'know, ''racing''. ''[footage of Patrick crashing during an Indycar race]'' When she was starting out, she dominated the majority of her competition. There was ''talent'' here. But once she got into Indycar racing, it all fell-\\
'''Error message''': WARNING: Corel Video Studio has once again crashed.\\
Please try again during the next Indian harvest cycle.\\
'''UT''': Fucking hell...\\
[...]\\
'''UT''': ''[over more footage of Patrick crashing mid-race]'' Look at her race results at NASCAR and you will see, simply, mediocrity.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Danica Patrick destined for a middle-of-the-pack Cup career]]\\
'''UT''': Pure, unadulterated, medi-\\
'''Error message''': [[VideoGame/CrashBandicoot CRASH BANDICOOT!]]\\
You wish you were actually playing this game right now.\\
'''UT''': ''Ughhh...''\\
[...]\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Danica Patrick: "We got a bit lucky" with first top-ten finish since 2015]]\\
'''UT''': ''[over footage of Patrick crashing mid-race again]'' Oh boy, she had a couple of top ten finishes in the past! Whip out the lotion and lather all over my-\\
'''Error message''': ACHTUNG! This crash-ridden program has once again crashed.\\
Please delete the offending video files before restarting the program.\\
'''UT''': For FUCK'S sake!...\\
[...]\\
'''Danica Patrick''': ''[recording of her race communications]'' I didn't get any ''[bleep]'' help on pit in, so you saw what happened. About got ''[bleep]'' crashed. 'Cause I ''[bleep]'' went so fast coming in. You know, you just can't-\\
'''Error message''': Like Sisyphus rolling the ball up the hill...\\
We think you already know what has happened.\\
'''UT''': God fucking damn it, girl, stop fucking crashing!\\
[...]\\
'''UT''': The thing is that she's probably going to be here for a bit longer. Even with the notoriety, there will always be a team willing to take her on for the exposure, which will lead to more NASCAR fans frothing at the mouth to-\\
'''Blue Screen of Death''': Windows has encountered a fatal error with the following file: [=DANICA_PATRICK.exe=]\\
If this is the first time seeing this message, try to throw more money at the offending file. It's probably your fault that it keeps crashing.\\
Do not attempt to restart this program unless a new car and livery are issued. Do not use racing statistics and DNF results in negotiations. If a merge with [=RICKY_STENHOUSE.exe=] has not been tried, please attempt to do so.\\
If this problem persists, do not delete the offending file. It's never the file's fault that it keep [''sic''] crashing.\\
Never.
!![[AC:The Pittsburgh Steelers: Professional Football's Pharisee]]
* Sure he took his local team to task, but the setup for it reeks of ExcusePlot...
-->'''UT''': Hmm...I'm bored. I'm open to some requests for material. Fire away, everyone.\\
'''Requester''': [---DO THE STEELERS!---]\\
'''UT''': ...you know what? You're on!
* Le'Veon Bell is another target of his ire, citing his abject greed and stubbornness despite his talent.
-->'''UT''': Hate to say it, because he sheds talent like he does tackles, but the dude's a lolcow. "But how can he be a lolcow?" you ask. He's one of the best runningbacks in the game. The man just wants to get paid, [[TakeThatMe you ignorant hack]]!" Simple. [[TwoWordsObviousTrope Two words: rap career]].\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laQcuR3kv8I What you are hearing]] [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer is not a parody track. This track is 100% legit]]. As terrible as this track is, it's one of the better ones he has. And fuck [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skip_Bayless Skip Bayless]], too.]]\\
'''UT''': ''(disgusted shudder)'' Don't quit your day job anytime soon, buddy...
* "Then there's Antonio Brown--''(shows a picture of Narcissus staring at his reflection in a pond)''--sorry, Antonio Brown. ''(shows footage of him being chauffeured to training camp in [[ConspicuousConsumption an antique, open-top Rolls Royce limousine]])''
* He's had it with fans in his hometown area, too...
-->'''UT''': Do you want to know the ''worst'' part of this organization? The fan base. Oh, jumpin' Jesus Christ, the fan base. You thought the Eagles' fans were bad? Steeler Nation makes them look like choir boys. Growing up and marinating in this shit, I'd rather waltz into [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veterans_Stadium the old Vet]] and [[http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/santa/philadelphia.asp get pelted with snowballs]] all game long than deal with [[UnpleasableFanbase a yinzer]]. Everybody talks about how "loyal" the fans are. How they wouldn't give up on the team no matter ''what'' happens! They obviously drank the Kool-Aid. In reality, we are some of the most knee-jerk sacks of shit you will ever meet! ''[shows fans walking out during a fourth quarter blowout against the Ravens]'' Look at the stands every time they are losing in the second half of a home game and THEN lecture me about their "loyalty". We are the type of people that will go from gloating about how this team is going to win the Super Bowl one week, to demanding everybody and their mother be fired the next! Mike Tomlin may be a walking cliche dispenser who doesn't know how to manage a game clock if his life depended on it, but he's still a Top 10 coach in the league. Most fans want him fired after every loss and even some victories!
!![[AC:The Montreal Canadiens: Professional Hockey's Bergevin]]
* The Marc Bergevin guide to player acquisitions:
## Is he French-Canadian?
## Does he have grit and veteranosity?
## Does he look French?
--->'''UT''': If they meet one of these criteria, then ol' Bergie-boy wants you on the Habs!
* While talking about the Habs' terrible trades and contract extensions in the 2017 offseason,[[note]]Losing Vadim Shipachyov to the Golden Knights, trading Nathan Beaulieu for a draft pick and giving injury-plagued defenceman Karl Alzner a five-year contract, losing Alex Radulov to the Stars after contract negotiations went badly, signing injury-plagued Ales Hemsky in free agency, losing Andrei Markov to the KHL after blowing contract negotiations, trading Markov's potential replacement Mikhail Sergachev for Jonathan Drouin, signing past-his-prime former Canadien Mark Streit, giving Carey Price a ludicrously overpriced eight-year contract extension, and failing to get an elite centre through trading or free agency and being stuck with Drouin for the role.[[/note]] Tree punctuates each one with footage of the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koEA1WjUXKE infamous moment in Game 2 of the 2000 Western Conference Quarterfinals]] when Bergevin, then a defenceman for the Blues, caught a shot on goal by the Sharks' Gary Suter in his glove - and ''threw it into his own goal''.[[note]]Suter was credited with the goal; the (eighth-seeded) Sharks won the game 4-2, and took the series in seven games.[[/note]] Each time, the blunder is accompanied by the ''VideoGame/SuperMarioBros1'' "Mario hitting head on unbreakable block" sound effect.
* Near the end of the litany of Bergevin's horrible decisions on trades and contract extensions, we get to goalie [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carey_Price Carey Price]]:
-->'''UT''': It's time to deal with this Carey Price situation once and for all. The [[{{Pun}} price]] is right--''(RecordNeedleScratch)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Price inks richest goaltending contract ever with eight-year, $84 million extention]]\\
'''SFX''': ''(Series/ThePriceIsRight LosingHorns)''\\
'''UT''': ''(loud, shocked coughing)'' [--HOLY SHIT, BERGEVIN, HOW MUCH DID YOU DRINK?!--]
!![[AC:The New York Giants: Professional Football's Sentient Derp]]
* The RecurringRiff that is [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PDJcw9oJt0 The Derp Song]] throughout the video.
-->''[the Derp Song plays over the Giants failing utterly to stop the Lions' Jamal Agnew from running a punt return 88 yards for a touchdown at [=MetLife=] Stadium in Week 3]''\\
'''UT''': Welcome to Giants country, a land where the Derp is a way of life. Where the ways of Derp are passed along from generation to generation until it evolves into a sentient being.
* Playing up Eli Manning as some kind of football IdiotSavant:
-->'''UT''': Look at that guy, he's a Derp-and-a-half! The other half comes from his performance in games--one moment, he looks like he should be sitting next to Archie in the stands; then comes the fourth quarter, in which he develops incredible quarterbacking powers, and somehow Derps his way into two Super Bowl victories against the Patriots' juggernaut. You guys remember when he was fucking terrible and the Giants nearly ran him out of town? That might happen again soon. That man may be one of the most overrated quarterbacks in the game today, but he gave us 18-1. So I'd say he gets a pass for pawning off fake game-worn memorabilia to purveyors...right?
* Describing Odell Beckham Jr. as like Antonio Brown, but just a sliver less of a diva...a sliver...
-->'''UT''': When he's not openly abusing kicking nets, he's demanding to be paid ''[[AllOfThem all of the money]]''. It doesn't matter if he blew it in the playoffs and skipped OTA's, with his talent, there is sure to be some team desperate enough to throw him all of the boat parties he desires. I mean, he's gotta get his hair on point! He has to look good while he's catching all those--''(footage of OBJ kneeling and slumped over in the tunnels leading away from the field)''--oh, dear...
* The video is an UnintentionalPeriodPiece, as the Giants were predicted to go to Super Bowl LII at the time of recording. They went 3-13.
* The ultimate Derp, Ben [=McAdoo=].
-->'''UT''': ''[as the Derp Song plays in the background]'' Heck, I think I hear some theme music in the background. Why, it's none other than the ultimate Derp, Ben [=McAdoo=]! Slowly bumbling his way around the sidelines pretending to be an NFL coach, his tactical incompetence only matched by his borderline sex offender profile. This man is a pair of sweat pants and a wifebeater away from being a 7th grade phys ed teacher at a New England prep school. ''[headlines about player suspensions and allegations that [=McAdoo=] has lost control of the locker room appear]'' If you figure something is going wrong with the Giants, it's probably this guy's fault.\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Fucker makes Ray Handley look competent in comparison]]\\
'''UT''': Hell, he's probably slipping in shots of vodka in the office. Look at his motivational tactics: reading a book! ''Game of Thrones''! An old-ass lion! ''[a headline appears for each "motivational tactic"]'' That's gonna motivate his players to not get injured!
* This season was supposed to give Giants fans hope for another Super Bowl run. This HopeSpot is exemplified by their Week 8 mollywhopping at the hands of the Rams ([[AC:NFL: Woeful Giants fall to 1-7 as the Rams rout them 51-17]]), complete with footage of a burning building superimposed onto game footage, the sounds of air raid sirens and bombs going off, and a clip from the ''[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Simpsons]]'' episode "Bart's Comet" of bystanders standing around, cringing, and tugging at their collars.
-->'''UT''': For fuck's sake, Giants, I didn't expect you to imitate Holodomor, but you did just that.
* The Giants have had a rather...straightforward offensive game...
-->'''UT''': The running game hasn't existed in over five years; but look at that wide receiving core!\\
'''Headlines:''' ''(SickeningCrunch)'' [[AC:Giants lose return man Dwayne Harris for year with broken foot]]\\
[[AC:Sterling Shepard Suffers Ankle Injury vs. Chargers, Reportedly May Miss 2 Weeks]]\\
[[AC:Brandon Marshall to have season-ending ankle surgery]]\\
'''UT''': ...at least you've got OBJ?\\
''(SickeningCrunch and sound of someone screaming)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Odell Beckham Jr. to undergo season-ending surgery on ankle injury]]\\
'''UT''': [[FromBadToWorse Did I mention this all happened during the same week?]]
* Their "vaunted offensive line" is traffic barrels being pushed into place by a slow-moving truck.
* But Ben [=McAdoo=] knows the problem with the Giants' offensive line! Or so he claims...
-->'''UT''': But don't you worry, Giants fans, Ben [=McAdoo=] knows what's up. He has pinpointed this problem to a tee!\\
'''Ben [=McAdoo=]''': ''[in a press conference]'' Uh, sloppy quarterback play. ''[cut to later]'' We have a veteran quarterback who's played a lot of football... I expect us to get the ball snapped.\\
'''[[WesternAnimation/{{Futurama}} Cartridge Unit]]''': ''[puts a cartridge in his mid-section]'' WHAT??\\
'''UT''': Really, man? All the turmoil and chaos on the team and you're going to blame ''Eli?''\\
'''Headlines''': [[AC:In a Game Packed with Mistakes, Ben [=McAdoo=] Shoulders Eli Manning with Much of the Blame]]\\
[[AC:Ben [=McAdoo=] won't rule out benching Eli Manning]]\\
'''UT''': You're more of a fucking idiot than I imagined. Have you '''seen''' that utter lack of a running game? Do you have ''any'' idea what your O-line is looking like- ''[video of a traffic cone being chewed on by a horse]'' oh, hey, it's Ereck Flowers!\\
'''Caption''': [[AC:Surprisingly accurate]]
* He tosses it off to Five Point Vids to finish up the video.
-->'''UT''': The best comedy always comes from misery; Giants fan, give us some perspective on this bullshit!\\
'''FPV''': Thanks, Tree! It's fitting that you intro me [[MultipleReferencePun using the word]] "Literature/{{Misery}}", since [[https://youtu.be/2pbfkNI2d_A?t=2m35s the scene where the fat bitch hobbles the main character]] has pretty much been the theme for this fucking Giants season. Now normally, I would be miserable at the thought of my [then-]one-win team slogging through a season that has been more horrifying than a minor waiting on the results of a pregnancy test, and having to take my lumps from my fellow Eagle, Redskin, and Cowboy fans, who love to shove bamboo under my fingernails every time my squad loses. But there is one thing I have learned from all this: all things must come to an end, and the Derp Era is coming to an end. And the proper way to end a legend's career...is to tank like operation mother-effing Desert Storm! That's right, I'm trusting Jerry Reese and his accidental string of terrible front office decisions that backed into two Super Bowls...and not much else in between. Yep, it's time to clean house like [[Series/BreakingBad Walter White's Pest Control Company]] and cook up a fresh batch of championship meth! That is, of course, if we don't waste the #1 pick on Saquon Barkley and think, "''next year'' is the last ride!" because I doubt Derp Man has another championship left in his arm. Ah, screw it, just draft Barkley! I mean, look at all that speed! Sure, Eli has another year, [[MissingStepsPlan all we have to do is replace both lines]], [[DisproportionateRetribution shoot Eli Apple]], get DRC to stop giving up on plays ''and'' the team, fire Ben [=McAdoo=], bring back Tom Coughlin, and add Saquon Barkley! Shit, all we have to do is draft Barkley; he is the football equivalent to the cure for herpes that is this Giants season. Screw it! G-Men! Super Bowl champions, 2019, you goddamn assholes!\\
''(The Derp Song cues back up)''\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:[=McAdoo=] [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext still talking about sex-crazed lion]] as Giants sink to 1-7]]\\
'''FPV''': ''(mocking wail)'' I had you! You thought I was serious. Screw you. [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Anyway, I'm gonna go cry now and post on social media about my feelings]]. This team is going to suck. For a long time...
!![[AC:The Edmonton Oilers: Professional Hockey's Al Bundy]]
* Tree discusses the contract extensions of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Connor_McDavid Connor McDavid]] and [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leon_Draisaitl Leon Draisaitl]]:
-->'''UT''': Connor [=McDavid=] is due for his first big-boy contract.\\
'''Headline''': [[AC:Connor [=McDavid=] signs 8-year, $100 million extension with Oilers]]\\
'''UT''': $12.5 million per year--god ''damn!'' Well, it's a steep bill, [[WorthIt but he's one of the best players in the game; he needs to be paid.]] Besides, they still need to pay Draisai--\\
'''Headline''' (accompanied by MusicalSting): [[AC:Oilers sign center Leon Draisaitl to eight-year extension]]\\
'''UT''': '''''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?!?!]]''''' An eight-year contract at $8.5 million per year for ''one year of first line production?!'' Do you realize what you've done, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Chiarelli_(ice_hockey) Peter?]] [[DidntThinkThisThrough You've all but broken the fucking league!]] Most players in this status were getting about $2 million per year ''less!'' What the fuck is wrong with you, man? This is the kind of shit that leads to a lockout!
* The "dramatic interpretation" of Edmonton, like Boston, "is on a high speed train roaring towards the explosives factory known as Cap Hell." We get an intercut of [[VideoGame/StarFox64 the legendary Forever Train crash scene]].
!![[AC:Jerry Jones: Professional Football's Palpatine]]
* This video is more a rant about how Jerry Jones, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, has corrupted the organization and has led to the team's long misfortune since their success of the 90's. But the icing on the cake is the last bit, which is narrated over a clip of the final play of Super Bowl LII[[note]]Tom Brady attempting a Hail Mary pass into the endzone, which is deflected by multiple Eagles defenders[[/note]].
-->'''UT''': Cowboys fans, I wish I could say that you could pick on the usual suspects, but one of your main rivals just won the Super Bowl. It's far more than your team will ever accomplish while Jerry Jones is still alive!
!![[AC:The Baltimore Orioles: Professional Baseball's Avian Flu]]
* Tree covers one of the main reasons for the Orioles' poor performance, first baseman Chris Davis, who was on pace to having the worst season ever recorded by a position player...
-->'''UT''': They are paying him $21 million to do this. Is it any wonder why [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Palmer Jim Palmer]] threw him into an open fire on live television? Of course he's hurt by it, nobody wants to have reality rubbed in their faces, but here's a reality that needs to be: he's not even halfway into this contract. I can't wait for the revival of [[http://www.espn.com/blog/new-york/mets/post/_/id/125162/happy-bobby-bonilla-day-his-annual-1-19-million-payday-is-here Bobby Bonilla Day]] in twenty years' time.
* After Tree covers how the Orioles' hitting corps has done poorly, he gets to the pitching corps. We see Orioles pitchers give up hit after hit after hit, accompanied by an overlay of the [[https://i.makeagif.com/media/8-13-2015/3iWtN-.gif conga line]] from ''WesternAnimation/BaseballBugs''.
!![[AC:The Los Angeles Kings: Professional Hockey's West Coast Relic]]
* Tree gets to the current people in charge of running the Kings, former Kings, Rob Blake and Luc Robitaille...
-->'''UT''': Because that's what the hockey world needed to see - another boys' club...\\
''(A montage begins as "Ante Up (Robbin Hood Theory)" by M.O.P. starts playing, with the following supers:)''\\
[[AC:West Coast represent!]]\\
[[AC:Reverse sweep the leg!]]\\
[[AC:Organizational inbreeding!]]\\
[[AC:Relive the glory days!]]\\
[[AC:Cups? We got two!]]\\
[[AC:Party like it's 1993!]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus Rob Blake!]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus Lucky Luc!]]]]\\
''(over a shot of Darryl Sutter)'' [[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus This guy's gone!]]]]\\
''(over a shot of the Stanley Cup)'' [[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus This thing might be too!]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus Eat shit, Vancouver!]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus People gave a shit about us!]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus Us to Pacific Division:]]]]\\
[[AC:[[FreezeFrameBonus But look at the Cups!]]]]\\
''(RecordNeedleScratch as the music and montage end)''\\
'''UT''': ''Alright,'' I'll give them a chance! I mean, I ''was'' wrong about Joe Sakic…
* Tree discussed Drew Doughty's contract extension:
--> '''UT:''' But the big prize, oh yes, that would be re-signing Drew Doughty. The man wants to win championships and is the cornerstone of the defense. Good news LA, you got him. A tremendous scoop for the boys club. Eight years and--\\
'''Headline:''' (accompanied by MusicalSting): [[AC:Drew Doughty signs historic 8-year, $88 million contract with Los Angeles Kings]]\\
'''UT:''' '''''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe HOLY SHIT!!]]''''' ''[Clip of Arsenio Hall doing a SpitTake]'' '''''Eleven million per year??''''' Were you guys paying the free agent tax when there were no other buyers? You do realize the highest paid defensemen are making around 8 million, right? No knock on Doughty, he's a great player, but that much for Drew's latter years? ''[A caption reads "The issue isn't giving him a contract, it's that they paid too much."]'' Ever hear of the aging process? Hope you have the FountainOfYouth lying around for that. If I'm Erik Karlsson [[note]]Recently traded to the San Jose Sharks at the time of the video's uploading[[/note]] I'm sending you guys a fruit basket for the next decade.
