History Funny / SCPFoundationSCP914ExperimentLog

'''Total Items:''' Three ''Franchise/{{Transformers}}'' themed 8GB USB flash drives, each containing an MP4 copy of the 1986 animated film ''Transformers the Movie''.\\

Note: And then MT Johnson becomes an in-game ''Mary Sue''. What could you expect? - Dr. Cleveland\\

Return to [[Funny/SCPFoundation SCP Foundation Funny Moments]]\\
Return to [[Funny/SCPFoundationSCPEntries SCP Foundation — SCP Entries Funny Moments]]

[[http://www.scp-wiki.wikidot.com/experiment-log-914-hub The testing logs for SCP-914]] are by ''far'' the most extensive on the entire SCP Foundation wiki, so naturally, there are a lot of hilarious moments with the Clockworks… especially since [[{{Troll}} it seems to be screwing with the people testing it on purpose]].

-->'''Input:''' One (1) print of [''Les trahison des images'' by René Marguite]\\

* SCP-914 does ''[[OhCrap not]]'' want to make ''[[TheDreaded any]]'' contact with [[MechanicalAbomination SCP-882]]. In fact, it doesn't even want to be reminded that it ''exists''. [[labelnote:Why is SCP-914 afraid?]][[http://www.scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-882 SCP-882]] is a conglomeration of gears [[TheAssimilator that consumes all metal objects that it comes in contact with]], so if SCP-914 was actually introduced to SCP-882 for real, the encounter would likely end with 914 being eaten and [[KilledOffForReal neutralized]] (and 882 getting a ''lot'' bigger).[[/labelnote]]

''I recommend using magnetic boots when carrying this weight, walking whilst weighing only one kilo has proven to be very difficult. Dr. Lefèvre‑Gineau''

'''Total Items:''' One solid-state USB drive with a capacity of 128 GB. Drive is empty and unformatted.\\

* [[http://www.scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-743 SCP-743]] would be proud:

'''Input:''' A copy of the Encyclopædia Britannica Vol. 11 dated 1952\\

'''Total Items:''' One cardboard box, 30cm long, 20cm wide, and 25cm high, with a note attached that reads "Schrödinger's cat."\\

'''Output:''' The aspirin and bleach have been combined into a bottle of 200 100-mg tablets containing a medicine called "Bleeprin". D-956320 was instructed to consume two tablets while concentrating on a sequence of numbers. Upon D-956320 consuming the tablets, they reported having forgotten what they were told to remember. Minutes later, D-956320 quickly came down with an illness and was carted off to the medical bay. The symptoms were found to be consistent with the effects of bleach poisoning and aspirin overdose.\\

'''Output:''' 13 1g rubber balls. Each ball has improved collision elasticity to where they retain over 99.999% of their kinetic force when bouncing off of a surface other than each other. Contact between any of the balls causes them to lose all kinetic energy within them, accompanied by a loud "pop."\\

Note: And then MT Johnson becomes an in-game MarySue. What could you expect? - Dr. Cleveland\\

*

''Note: [[FamousLastWords I've done it! The secrets of alchemy have at last been uncovered!]]\\

''Note: It appears that the drink's total amount of sugar [[RealityEnsues conformed to reality]], so instead of [[SuperSpeed making a person able to move impossible speeds]], their heart rate elevated impossible speeds. -Artium.\\

Note: It would be, [[RealityEnsues but the text references instruments that don't actually exist, as well as some unknown anatomical terms]]. - Veritas''\\

* An attempt to produce [[WebOriginal/ProtectorsOfThePlotContinuum Bleeprin]] goes [[RealityEnsues exactly how you'd expect]].

'''Output:''' One origami flagship, appearing as described in the novel. Attempted to ram Researcher Darby, [[RealityEnsues but had no effect due to having no methods of propulsion and being constructed out of paper]].\\

'''Output:''' 100 rolls of toilet paper\\

'''Output:''' A 20kg bag of a salt-like crystalline powder and a 20kg bag of thyme, matching the input from the previous experiment. [[note]][{{Pun}} Time-traveling thyme!]][[/note]] The salt-like product was confirmed to be sea salt, but with an intensely stronger flavor. D-class was ordered to stop consuming the salt but refused; D-class terminated moments later after rapidly going through dehydration and desiccation.\\

'''Output:''' [[strike:No change noted to the statuette when the output booth was opened by D-46931]] The statuette walked to the edge of the booth and whispered something to D-46931, who immediately collapsed. An autopsy on D-46931 found that the cause of death was asphyxiation with no physical cause identified. The output has been incinerated.

\\

'''Output''': One ball, that appears unchanged from the input. There is, however, a difference in its [REDACTED] properties, exhibited when dropped by Dr Brown. [[HyperDestructiveBouncingBall [REDACTED] forty five casualties, twelve injuries [DATA EXPUNGED] forty-five casualties]], and reached escape velocity. Currently thought to be orbiting Mars.[[note]]These are essentially the same qualities as SPC-018, though perhaps to a lesser degree.[[/note]]

-->'''Test 914-1119'''\\

* [[labelnote:Test #]]0147[[/labelnote]] After a speaker turns into something that [[SensoryAbuse loudly]] (300db, [[BrownNote more than enough to deafen people]]!) blasts whatever the person has in mind:

Note: [[GenreSavvy The log (if wood) would probably explode giving everyone splinters, and the bear probably would find some magical way to hurt someone.]] Why not try a mug? It couldn't be that bad, right? -Intern Lunar\\

'''Output:''' One large chocolate rabbit whose eyes have been replaced by a singular large metallic gem-like protrusion with clockwork decorations. Upon sighting Researcher Darby, it charged forwards and [[FrickinLaserBeams shot beams of energy from its gem]] at security personnel. After dealing with the local security personnel, [[NoHoldsBarredBeatdown it proceeded to attack Researcher Darby with its claws]], leaving major wounds. Reserve personnel arrived and began firing at the Rabbit, causing it to explode into liquid chocolate, leaving a large puddle of red-coloured chocolate and the gem-like object.\\

[[http://www.scp-wiki.net/experiment-log-914-hub The testing logs for SCP-914]] are by ''far'' the most extensive on the entire SCP Foundation wiki, so naturally, there are a lot of hilarious moments with the Clockworks… especially since [[{{Troll}} it seems to be screwing with the people testing it on purpose]].

* SCP-914 does ''[[OhCrap not]]'' want to make ''[[TheDreaded any]]'' contact with [[MechanicalAbomination SCP-882]]. In fact, it doesn't even want to be reminded that it ''exists''. [[labelnote:Why is SCP-914 afraid?]][[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-882 SCP-882]] is a conglomeration of gears [[TheAssimilator that consumes all metal objects that it comes in contact with]], so if SCP-914 was actually introduced to SCP-882 for real, the encounter would likely end with 914 being eaten and [[KilledOffForReal neutralized]] (and 882 getting a ''lot'' bigger).[[/labelnote]]

* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-743 SCP-743]] would be proud:

'''Output:''' A 1kg statue of the Egyptian sun deity ''Amon'', made entirely of cinnamon, wearing clothes and jewelry made from the bag. The statue possesses an anomalous quality wherein [[HypnoticEyes looking into its eyes]] compels the viewer to commit some variety of immoral acts. [[note]]In other words, a [[IncrediblyLamePun Sin Amon]].[[/note]]\\\\

'''Output:''' A 20kg bag of a salt-like crystalline powder and a 20kg bag of thyme, matching the input from the previous experiment. [[note]][[IncrediblyLamePun Time-traveling thyme!]][[/note]] The salt-like product was confirmed to be sea salt, but with an intensely stronger flavor. D-class was ordered to stop consuming the salt but refused; D-class terminated moments later after rapidly going through dehydration and desiccation.\\

Note: [[IncrediblyLamePun Just be sure to practice safe sax]]. - R.A. Walker\\

Input: One magic 8-ball
Setting: 1:1
Output: A physically unchanged magic 8-ball. The output hurled itself out of the output booth at ██ km/h straight at JR Boneka, who reflexively caught it in her hands. Upon catching the object, the phrase “SWEET CATCH!” was vocalized from the 8-ball. Aside from this, it still functions like a standard magic 8-ball. No further changes are noted.

* [[labelnote:Test #]]1504[[/labelnote]] [[Webcomic/Homestuck =>914: have fun with Magic 8-Balls.]]

'''Output:''' A blu-ray disk containing the entire Film/Underworld2003 series. Upon further examination, a note within the case of said disk reading "[[BigNo NO]]" was found in the place of a printed digital download code.\\

'''Output:''' A blu-ray disk containing the entire Underworld series. Upon further examination, a note within the case of said disk reading "[[BigNo NO]]" was found in the place of a printed digital download code.\\

'''Output:''' 1 plastic cube. The song 'It's a secret' from the game 'Battleblock theater' appears to be playing anomalously from the cube, [[ItWontTurnOff with no end]].\\

* Fun with quantum mechanics:
-->'''Test 914-0540'''\\
'''Name:''' Researcher Darby\\
'''Date:''' 10/04/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' 5 Papers on Quantum Theory, 5 small balls of steel, 4 beef Ramen bowls;\\
''Note: Who took that last bowl of beef ramen? Also, don't ask what the point of this is because I have no answer. - Researcher Darby''\\

'''Input:''' Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel;\\
'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' Shreds of Paper and Steel fragments;\\
''Note: Not surprised - Researcher Darby''\\

'''Input:''' Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;\\
'''Setting:''' Coarse\\
'''Output:''' Paper, Steel, Plastic, and Ramen neatly separated along with a puddle of ink;\\
''Note: Again, standard coarse reaction to input. - Researcher Darby''\\

'''Input:''' Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' Paper on Planetary Physics, Steel Cube, Chicken Ramen bowl;\\
''Note: In my opinion 914, turning a perfectly good bowl of Beef Ramen to a bowl of Chicken Ramen is regression, not equivalent exchange. - Researcher Darby''\\

'''Input:''' Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' Paper describing 7th Dimension travel, Steel bull, Cooked beef Ramen, [[MindScrew Researcher Darby]];\\
''Note: I'm looking at myself watching me write this note…. - Researcher Darby''\\

'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' Animate Steel Beetle with Ramen and Plastic Legs and Paper Wings. Upon exiting output booth, it charged at Researcher Darby's control booth and forced him to enter the Input booth. Researcher Darby's Intern attempted to rescue Researcher Darby, but was stopped by a burst of ink from the Beetle and the Quantum Darby holding him back. Once Researcher Darby was fully inside the Input booth, the Beetle initiated SCP-914 (on Very Fine) and managed to slip inside the input booth before it closed. When 914 finished refining, security personnel attempted to rescue Researcher Darby, but instant examination of the Output booth showed that both Researcher Darby and the Beetle were gone.\\
''Note: It had to happen. Otherwise, we would be stuck in a [[TimeParadox paradox]], and nothing gets done. I would also like my Researcher status restored, as I am Researcher Darby and not a Quantum Anomaly. - Quantum Darby\\
Note: Darby, are you stealing my beef Ramen bowls through some sort of quantum shenanigans? Cause if you are, then I would appreciate if you would stop, as the Ramen is the food for my mug cat. Also, try asking Rosen if he can help you with the status problem. Also, where are you? -Intern Lunar.\\
Note: Apparently I don't exist anymore, I'd tell you my location but I'm not even sure where that is. - Researcher Darby''
* An attempt at making a request is either interpreted as ReversePsychology or [[{{Troll}} flat-out denied]] (you never really can tell with SCP-914):
-->'''Test 914-0548'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. Matism\\
'''Date:''' 10/04/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' 1 note reading "''Don't expose me to a cognitohazard please.''"\\

'''Input:''' Above\\

'''Output:''' Cognitohazardous symbols that when viewed, cause extreme cravings of Mexican food.\\

''Note: God [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] 914, you had one job! - Dr. Matism\\
Note: Who the hell put that thing in the cafeteria during pizza Wednesday? Everyone starved themselves! - Researcher Danok\\
Note: I just folded the pizza into a taco and put toppings on it. -Intern Lunar\\
Note: Can we hire Lunar? His ingenuity is baffling. - Dr. Matism\\
Note: Let him send his resume to my office. I have a feeling a position is going to open up if you keep up the level of professionalism that you currently have. -Veritas''
* Should have seen this one coming.[[note]]Keep in mind that SCP-914 is explicitly stated to follow conservation of mass; however much matter goes in is the exact same amount of matter that goes out.[[/note]]
-->'''Test 914-0552'''\\
'''Name:''' Dr. V█████\\
'''Date:''' 11/04/2019\\
'''Total items:''' One toolbox containing one each of the following: A flathead screwdriver, a Phillips screwdriver, a claw hammer, a ballpeen hammer, a 16' measuring tape, a hacksaw, needle-nose pliers, vice grips, a crescent wrench adjustable to up to 2-1/2", a set of metric Allen wrenches, and a set of standard Allen wrenches.\\
''Note: [[TemptingFate If all goes well with this test]], this will create the perfect multi-tool, suitable for any task. Then [[FreudianSlip I…er, the Foundation, rather]], can reverse-engineer it and market it for millions! -Dr. V█████''\\

'''Input:''' The toolbox.\\

'''Output:''' A large, multi-limbed arthropodal creature made of plastic and metal. Its abdomen and head resembled the toolbox. At the end of each limb was the end of one of the tools. Immediately upon the "Output" booth opening, the creature attacked Dr. V█████ and smashed his head in with its hammer-appendages, killing him instantly. Security personnel moved in and destroyed the creature.\\

''Note: [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong "If all goes well with this test?"]] He seriously said that? Since when has that '''ever''' happened with anything involving 914, especially on the Very Fine setting? I've only been here a few weeks and even I know better than that. -Prof. Wren\\
Note: If he was trying to do this for profit, you could say [[{{Pun}} he was being a tool]]. Also, yeah, don't think Very Fine is going to do what you want. -Intern Lunar\\
Note: Why is the body count in my testing area on par with bloody 682's termination record? Am I not strict enough in security measures or [[SurroundedByIdiots are half of my research staff just drooling imbeciles?!]] - Veritas''
* [[labelnote:Test #]]0553[[/labelnote]] Testing with painkillers has intriguing results.
-->'''Input:''' One of the above mentioned vials.\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' Prescription Vial of 12 unmarked pills, each of which are the equivalent to the mass of two pills. Official Site-██ Prescription Sticker on front of vial now says "914 brand Pain Killers. Take one every 24 hours for instantaneous pain relief." D-Class testing reveals that all previous sensations that could be defined as uncomfortable are immediately alleviated for exactly 24 hours. No negative side effects have been witnessed at this time.\\
''Note: After having it tested for anomalous tendencies, I'm going to bring this to the lab for possible reverse-engineering. Lord knows that you people could use these. -Doctor S.''\\

'''Input:''' One of the above mentioned vials\\

'''Output:''' One Plastic Prescription Vial of 24 unmarked pills. Official Site-██ Prescription Sticker on front of vial now says "914 brand Pain. [[SchmuckBait Take one every 12 hours for instantaneous pain.]]" Within three seconds of being consumed by D-Class, subjects fall to ground screaming in agony. Within 1 hour, subjects stopped screaming due to loss of voice, but continued to roll of ground in agony for 2 more hours before being administered a "914 brand Painkiller" to test which drug is more powerful. Subjects state there was still a dull throb of pain across their entire body after being administered pain killer. A physical evaluation of subjects reveal no lingering damage to internal organ structure or bodily functions.\\
''Note: I guess 914 doesn't care much for "Do No Harm" -Doctor S.''
* Mixing soda and hot sauce in SCP-914 proves to be a bad idea:
-->'''Test 914-0556'''\\
'''Name:''' Prof. Wren\\
'''Date:''' 11/04/2019\\
'''Items:''' Three 12-oz. bottles of homemade soda, 1 8-oz. container of fruit salad, 1 bag of Earl Grey tea, 1 packet of hot sauce.\\
''Notes: As disgusting as I'm sure that Passion Fruit-Ranch stuff 914 made a can for the other night, it did give me a couple of ideas. If these pan out, we might be able to market them on a front company for increased revenue. Or at least serve them in the break room. -Prof. Wren''\\

'''Input:''' 1 bottle of soda, 1 container of fruit salad.\\

'''Output:''' One 20-oz bottle of carbonated beverage. The label shows a variety of fruit made entirely out of bubbles.\\
''Note: Tried a bit after it was cleared of hazards. As expected, it's soda with a mixed variety of fruit flavors, most prominently apple, grape, and strawberry. Marketability level: 8.5/10. -Prof. Wren''\\

'''Input:''' 1 bottle of soda, 1 tea bag.\\

'''Output:''' One 12-oz bottle of brown liquid, warm to the touch, and 2 small cubes later identified as pure cane sugar. The label shows the Union Jack made entirely of bubbles.\\
''Note: Tried a bit after it was cleared of hazards. Basically, it made carbonated tea and stripped the sugar I used to make the stuff out entirely. Yuck. Marketability level: 1.0/10. -Prof Wren''\\

'''Input:''' 1 bottle of soda, 1 packet of hot sauce.\\

* [[TooDumbToLive Researcher Isaac Darby]] generates a new CMOF (and [[AmusingInjuries a new grievous injury]] and [[DeathAsComedy dead D-Class]]) every time he shows up. [[note]][[EscalatingPunchline Eventually.]] His first several appearances are far more mundane (he's subject to a minor HumiliationConga and has law enforcement come looking for him, but is otherwise treated largely like any other tester in his first several appearances); he first shows up in the 0200-0299 experiment logs, but doesn't truly become a RunningGag until midway through the 0400-0499 logs.[[/note]] Other researchers who become {{Running Gag}}s include Dr. Calloway (who is relentlessly {{troll}}ed), Dr. Nukea (who has a bizarre obsession with ''[[Film/SeventeenAgain 17 Again]]'', to the point where it becomes an OverlyLongGag (and SCP-914 quickly gets sick of dealing with him)), Maintenance Technician Johnson (who SCP-914 ''tries'' to be nice to, [[UnwantedAssistance but ends up doing so in a way that breaks Foundation protocol]] [[note]]and in one case, makes him into a GaryStu (which he doesn't appreciate)[[/note]]), and Professor Wren (who SCP-914 develops a fondness for, but [[TheGadfly it still isn't above screwing with her from time to time]]).

'''Addendum:''' During the regular lunch break, Intern Snevets was on the phone with Researcher Darby, discussing dioxygen difluoride. When Researcher Darby exclaimed to "put it in 914", loud slapping was audible as well as expletive language about "a mini Veritas [[RapidFireFisticuffs slapping the [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] out of me]]". Intern Snevets then went to the break room and found that the figurine of Dr. Veritas had disappeared. The figurine has been recovered by Dr. Zavalosa, when he exclaimed "We should put a live grenade in 914" and the figurine anomalously appeared before him and assaulted Dr. Zavalosa for approximately a minute before becoming inanimate again. Both Dr. Zavalosa and Researcher Darby reported no meaningful injuries.\\

\\