History Funny / SCPFoundationSCP914ExperimentLog

'''Output:''' White Phosphorus Grenade ([[SomebodySetUsUpTheBomb Ring Pulled]])\\

[[/folder]]

[[folder:Experiment Logs 0200-0299]]

'''Total Items:''' Several Personnel Files, 5 200 g iron cubes

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. S. Pider, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Maintenance Technician Johnston, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Veritas, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Day, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Anton, 200 g iron cube\\

'''Output:''' One Kingston [=DataTraveler=] G4 USB 3.0 8GB flash drive containing a single [=ExFAT=] partition with one file on it; analysis reveals to be all of the dialogue, in-game sprites, and a compilation of fan art of the character "Sans" from "VideoGame/{{Undertale}}", a game created by Creator/TobyFox in 2015.

* SCP-914 seems to carry a torch for Johnson:

* A test with a shovel has a very strange ending:

* A test with amnestics goes bad quickly.

* SCP-914 + Skateboard Wheels = Bad Idea

* Poor, poor Dr. Mason; just when he thinks he’s made a breakthrough... well, just read for yourself.

Note 4: [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. I thought it would make sense for ONCE. But no, [[{{Troll}} it had to be messing with us again]]. One of my interns - sorry, Junior Researchers - found out that, if you superimpose all the paths from the tracker, you get a 3D image of the Foundation logo. It's pretty for art drawn in GPS, but it still makes this whole project meaningless. Piece of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] doesn't follow set paths. It does whatever it wants. - Dr. Mason\\

'''Total Items:''' Three copies of 'Mein Kampf,' by UsefulNotes/AdolfHitler. Text in the original German.

-->''Note: '''Outside''' of the testing area please. I should not need to specify that. - Dr. Veritas''

'''Output:''' A small, spherical blob of translucent, azure-colored slime roughly 12cm in diameter, with a strong garlic-like odor. Found to be mobile and sentient, and capable of making gurgling, chirping vocalizations similar to SCP-999 but at a much deeper pitch. The entity, designated "E-999-A", [[EvilKnockoff was immediately hostile to all staff]], attempting to either leap upon researchers' faces or "headbutt" their shins via rolling across the floor at high speed, though its small size and mass prevented it from doing more than mild bruising.

-->E-999-A was eventually contained and presented to SCP-999, with the assumption that this was its "offspring", and that SCP-999 could teach it to become more docile. SCP-999 instead reacted with immediate hostility, attacking E-999-A with its pseudopods while E-999-A rolled around SCP-999, emitting loud "growling" and "snarling" noises while dodging. SCP-999 finally eliminated E-999-A roughly two minutes later via engulfing it with two pseudopods, rapidly dissolving E-999-A inside its body similar to how SCP-999 digests its meals.

-->No change in SCP-999's color or demeanor following the incident has been noted, however, [[OOCIsSeriousBusiness it is the first and thus far only time that SCP-999 has ever reacted to anything with hostility or violence]]. Further research involving SCP-999's slime is temporarily suspended save for researchers with at least Level 3 clearance, and any experiments involving SCP-999 and SCP-914 are completely prohibited. Mentioning E-999-A to SCP-999 [[LetUsNeverSpeakOfThisAgain results in it immediately "ignoring" whoever speaks to it]], often by wandering off to play with a nearby object or person.

-->'''Input:''' The former access key to the janitors closet\\

-->''Note: [[DefensiveWhat What?]] Don’t look at me like that, school’s over. - Dr. Hazard''

-->''Note: Hazard, if I catch you using 914 as your personal paper shredder again, I'm reassigning you to Site-██. Yes, [[ReassignedToAntarctica the one on Antarctica]]. - Dr. Veritas''

'''Output:''' [[BigNo One 200x148mm piece of paper in the shape of a zero or letter O. One similarly sized piece of paper in the shape of a capital letter N or Z.]] Several hundred 5-10mm triangular scraps of paper. One small puddle of brownish ink.

-->''Note: [[WhatAnIdiot He]] [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe did]] '''[[BigWhat what?!]]''' - Dr. Veritas''
-->''Notice: In an effort to preserve SCP-914's structural integrity, and for the sake of Dr. Veritas' blood pressure, I strongly caution against personnel using its own parts in testing. Thank you. - Dr. Gears.''

* SCP-914 is not a beautician. Or, at least, it ''shouldn't'' be one.[[note]]Keep in mind that biological testing with SCP-914 is '''''[[SeriousBusiness strictly]]''''' prohibited, since the biological tests conducted so far have ultimately ended in either {{Squick}} or a potential containment breach.[[/note]]

* A test with a Rubik's Cube goes horribly wrong:

'''Notes:''' The candle produced a small spark and puff of smoke. A pair of human ears, a human nose & voluptuous lips were drawn on the paper.\\

'''Notes:''' The candle was lit. The paper had random scribbles all over. When all five outputs on the papers were overlaid [[WhamShot it produced a sketch of]] [[TheLostLenore ████████ ████████████ (now deceased), a helicopter pilot and former high school romantic interest of Dr. Devant]]. Dr. Devant [[DespairEventHorizon has been placed in the psych ward]] after [[InelegantBlubbering excessive sobbing]] and [[DrivenToSuicide showing of suicidal tendencies.]]

'''Output:''' One Improved Tracking Device. When loaded with batteries and pointed at an SCP it will emit a beeping noise that will speed up with proximity. The batteries go flat after five minutes of operation.\\

'''Output:''' One Improved Tracking Device. Battery life increased to thirty minutes\\
''Still too short. Let's try one more time. [[TemptingFate I don't understand why so many people are complaining about 914.]] -Researcher Daniel''

'''Output:''' Burnt pile of metal and plastic

-->''Finally shut that thing up! -Researcher Daniel\\

-->''Note: Now every pay raise or promotion I could ever possibly receive is going to be treated as a possible containment breach. Great. - Maintenance Technician Johnson\\

'''Total Items:''' Several Personnel Files, 5 200 g iron cubes

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. S. Pider, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Maintenance Technician Johnston, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Veritas, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Day, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Anton, 200 g iron cube\\

'''Output:''' One Kingston [=DataTraveler=] G4 USB 3.0 8GB flash drive containing a single [=ExFAT=] partition with one file on it; analysis reveals to be all of the dialogue, in-game sprites and compilation of fan art of character "Sans" from "VideoGame/{{Undertale}}", a game created by Creator/TobyFox in 2015.

'''Output:''' An entity resembling the Girls Frontline character Grizzly [=MkV=], as well as a fully loaded Kel-Tec PMR-30 automatic pistol. Initially disoriented, the entity grabbed the pistol and shot Junior Researcher Altdamm six times in his abdomen and chest, before surrendering itself to Foundation authorities. Junior Researcher Altdamm himself died of blood loss.

-->''Note: Again? [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe Seriously?]] The next person caught attempting to create a reality bender waifu with 914 [[ShootTheDangerousMinion will be rewarded with a bullet in the head]]. -Senior Researcher ██████\\
Addendum: When cleaning up 914, a clock was found at the output booth. The hour hand always points at Dr. Veritas, the minute hand always points at Dr. Cleveland, and the second hand always points at Maintenance Technician Johnson. The clock would also constantly rotate such that the "V" marking always point towards the entity resembling Grizzly [=MkV=]. Security footage has shown that the entity used 914 at the "Very Fine" setting in an attempt to alter the automatic pistol.''
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Experiment Logs 0400-0499]]
* Archivist Morgan's request for 914 to stop making weird s*** is not appreciated.
-->'''Input:''' One handwritten note reading "Please stop producing anomalous items."\\

'''Output:''' One paper with a [[BigNo big "NO"]] written in the center that was floating in the air, spinning, and playing "Yakety Sax" from no apparent source\\
''Note: [[NoJustNoReaction …No. Nope. I've had it.]] [[RageQuit I'm done. No more. I quit!]] [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Where's the medical bay, I'll take whatever amnestics I need to to get out of here!]] - Archivist Morgan\\
Note: To site security: I would like to report that there is [[FreakOut a mental breakdown in progress]] in the general area of the 914 testing area. His name is Archivist Morgan and he's heading for the medical bay in order to amnesicize himself. Please stop him, I don't trust his ability to regulate himself in his current state. He is identifiable by being the guy running through the hallways screaming "[[ScrewThisImOuttaHere I quit]]" at the top of his lungs. Thank you. - Archivist Hansen\\
[[AndAnotherThing Note:]] I've seen 914 archivists [[HeroicBSOD melt down]] before, but this is the most entertaining one I've seen yet. Usually they just start crying on their desks, which is kinda underwhelming. - Archivist Hansen''
* ButtMonkey or not[[note]]the researcher conducting this experiment, Researcher Calloway, is one of SCP-914's frequent disaster magnets[[/note]], there was simply no way for ''this'' experiment to end well...
-->'''Input:''' 1 vial of aerosol amnestic solution.\\

'''Output:''' A colorless, odorless gas. Detection methods proved unable to detect the gas, so the chamber was declared empty, and several researchers, including Calloway, were affected. The gas proved to be anomalous, with the effect of making all subjects who inhale it speak and write backwards for an unknown length of time.\\
''Note: .sruoh flah a dna eerht rof siht ekil kcuts neeb ev'I ,em pleh enoemoS [[labelnote:Translation]]Someone help me, I've been stuck like this for three and a half hours.[[/labelnote]] -Researcher Calloway\\
Note: We're going to let him sit this one out for the duration of the effect [[WhatWereYouThinking to allow him to ponder the question]]: [[TooDumbToLive Is testing of mind-affecting substances through unpredictable anomalous objects a good idea?]] No one tell him the answer; he'll have to come up with it on his own. - Dr. Veritas.''
* '''The very next test''' makes the same mistake:
-->'''Name:''' Dr. Tsubasa\\
'''Date:''' 21/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One vial of Y-909.

-->'''Input:''' See above.\\

'''Output:''' [REDACTED]. Object seems to emit a pulse of an unknown energy that renders all who view it to immediately revert to a vegetable-like state. Object was terminated by several members of the amnestics division.

-->''Note: Oh thank god I wasn't there to see it, I needed to take a [REDACTED]. -Dr. Tsubasa\\
Note: [[LampshadeHanging .sekatsim ym morf denrael evah dluohS]] [[labelnote:Translation]]Should have learned from my mistakes.[[/labelnote]] -Sr. Researcher Calloway''
* An attempt to [[{{Defictionalization}} defictionalize]] [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 Bonk! Atomic Punch]] goes exactly how you'd expect.
-->'''Name:''' Dr. Artium\\
'''Date:''' 20/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One copy of the game "Team Fortress 2", One "Scout Picture", One aluminum can filled with drink mix\\
''With multiple video game-related tests conducted with 914, I thought that I would test results with this game due to the high number of random objects that appear in the game, this may help determine what 914 would determine as worthy of "fine" and "very fine". -Artium''

-->'''Input:''' All of the above items\\
'''Setting:''' very fine\\
'''Output:''' One full can of "Bonk Atomic Punch". D-Class personnel performed a test to review if it had the same effect as in-game ''Atomic Punch''. After a single sip, D-41241-WA immediately grabbed their chest in pain and collapsed. On conduction of an autopsy, medical staff confirmed the cause of death to be a heart attack, along with toxic amounts of plastic and wood pulp forming in the stomach and liver, presumably the remains of the game and the picture.\\
''Note: It appears that the drink's total amount of sugar [[RealityEnsues conformed to reality]], so instead of [[SuperSpeed making a person able to move impossible speeds]], their heart rate elevated impossible speeds. -Artium.\\
Why are you letting '''UNRESTRAINED''' D-Class test this in the first place? They could escape if the effect had been to speed them up rather than blow their hearts with sugar? - Researcher [[PunnyName Al Catraz]]''

[[folder:Researcher Darby]]
As previously stated, Researcher Isaac Darby has a ''lot'' of crazy mishaps with SCP-914; so many, in fact, that they need their own folder.
* The best candidate for Darby's "Moron Event Horizon" is probably his "dihydrogen monoxide" test:
-->'''Test 914-0433'''\\
'''Name:''' Researcher Darby\\
'''Date:''' 20/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One 2-Liter Tub of water (Labeled Di-Hydrogen Monoxide), One pamphlet describing the dangers of Di-hydrogen Monoxide;\\
''This test is to see if SCP-914 can fall for the same "Tricks" as we can''

-->'''Input:''' One Di-Hydrogen Monoxide Pamphlet\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' One Pamphlet describing the dangers of Pollution\\
''The Framework has been set, now to see what it does to "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide"''

-->''The Bucket of water was carried in a sealed container by four men in haz-mat suits as if it was an incredibly dangerous liquid''\\
'''Input:''' One 2-Liter Tub of "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide"\\

'''Output:''' One 2-Liter Tub of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide\\
''[[TemptingFate It did nothing?]] I was expecting it to super heat it or destroy it in some way, well, better deal with this water and dispose of it properly - Researcher Darby''

-->'''''[[EpicFail Site-19 has been put into Quarantine]] until the "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide" can be flushed out of the drainage system and affected areas. SCP-914 apparently turned the bucket of water into a bucket of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide, this change was only detected when Researcher Darby was put into the medical bay approximately two hours after drinking from the bucket. All reported claims of Di-Hydrogen monoxide as stated by the pamphlet are revealed to be the case as reported by medical staffs examination of the researcher.'''''\\
''Note: Please, please, test everything that comes out of 914 if it looks unchanged. This was quite annoying to deal with… - Dr. Range - Site 19 Medical Department\\
Note: [[WhatAnIdiot He actually drank from the ██████ bucket?]] I'm signing a disclaimer right now, not to be the one responsible for cleaning up his corpse when [[TooDumbToLive the idiot inevitably gets himself killed]]. - Dr. Veritas''
* Testing with data storage devices ends terribly for Darby:
-->'''Test 914-0450'''\\
'''Name:''' Researcher Darby\\
'''Date:''' 28/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One Calendar for the year 2019, Map of the world circa 2019, [[strike:One Set of Handcuffs,]] One copy of the Voyager II disk, One 2 Terabyte Hard-drive

-->'''Input:''' One Calendar circa 2019\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' One Calendar circa 9102\\
''Well, now we know the day [[WorldWarIII WW3]] started, there's a memorial for it on [REDACTED]''

-->'''Input:''' Map of the world circa 2019\\

'''Output:''' [[ApocalypseHow Paper mache Nuclear mushroom]]\\
''[[{{Understatement}} That's worrying.]]''

->'''Input:''' Voyager II disk copy\\

'''Output:''' [[strike:Unchanged]] Hard Drive now acts as a matter containment device, Device specifications (Storage: 500 Meters[[sup]]2[[/sup]]) has been inscribed on packaging along with the Apple logo.\\

* [[TooDumbToLive Researcher Isaac Darby]] generates a new CMOF (and [[AmusingInjuries a new grievous injury]] and [[DeathAsComedy dead D-Class]]) every time he shows up. [[note]][[EscalatingPunchline Eventually.]] His first several appearances are far more mundane. SCP-914 first subjects him to a minor HumiliationConga and a fake(?) criminal record before the hijinks begin in earnest.[[/note]] There's also Dr. Nukea and his bizarre obsession with ''[[Film/SeventeenAgain 17 Again]]'' (which SCP-914 quickly gets sick of dealing with).

* The researcher behind this one should be thankful that this didn't turn out worse:

* Poor, poor Dr. Mason.

-->''Note: [="=]I gave this a try, and [[YouAreAlreadyDead ended up seeing SCP-096's face]] after rolling a 1 on stealth. If you don't hear from me within 5 minutes, [[BetterToDieThanBeKilled I've blown my brains out]].[="=] -Researcher Jacobson''\\
''Note: [="=]Researcher Jacobson was later found dead in the anomalous item storage wing. Access to [='=]Fear in the Foundation[='=] now requires supervision of at least one armed member of site security in case of visual hazards.[="=] —O5-6''

-->''Note: [[WhatAnIdiot He did]] '''[[BigWhat what?!]]''' - Dr. Veritas''

'''Total Items:''' One vial of corrosive slime recovered from [[HumanoidAbomination SCP-106's]] containment chamber.

-->''Note: I think I need to re-iterate. Feel free to test at your own discretion but for Christ sake use common sense. [[TranquilFury I swear, when I find Wood]] [[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon I'm going to [REDACTED].]] Dr. Smith.''\\

* SCP-914 is not a beautician. Or, at least, it ''shouldn't'' be one.

-->''Note: She told us she just wanted to try with her hair clip. By the time we realized what she was actually doing, it was too late to stop her. Needless to say, she's since been terminated, and I ''hope'' I don't need to tell you all to '''not do it again.''' - Dr. Veritas''

'''Total Items:''' Several Personnel Files, 5 200 g iron cubes

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. S. Pider, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Maintenance Technician Johnston, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Veritas, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Day, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Anton, 200 g iron cube\\

'''Output:''' One Kingston [=DataTraveler=] G4 USB 3.0 8GB flash drive containing a single [=ExFAT=] partition with one file on it; analysis reveals to be all of the dialogue, in-game sprites and compilation of fan art of character "Sans" from "VideoGame/{{Undertale}}", a game created by Creator/TobyFox in 2015.

-->''Note: Again? [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe Seriously?]] The next person caught attempting to create a reality bender waifu with 914 will be rewarded with a bullet in the head. -Senior Researcher ██████\\

* SCP-914 loves to subvert expectations and defy patterns:
-->'''Name:''' Assistant Researcher Erickson\\
'''Date:''' 23/01/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One Bugle, three cubes of brass (Varying sizes)

-->'''Input:''' The aforementioned bugle, One small cube of brass.\\

'''Output:''' One piccolo trumpet.

—>'''Input:''' The aforementioned trumpet, One medium sized cube of brass.\\

'''Output:''' One trombone.\\
''[[IfMyCalculationsAreCorrect If I'm correct]], [[TemptingFate the next one should be a tuba]]. - Assistant Researcher Erickson''

-->'''Input:''' The aforementioned trombone, One large cube of brass.\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' One brass statue of Rick Astley. [[JustForFun/{{Rickroll}} Statue played the song "Never Gonna Give You Up" nonstop from an unidentifiable source.]]

-->''This goddamn machine… I can't deal with this. -Assistant Researcher Erickson\\
[[KillItWithFire The statue was melted down to scrap]] in the site incinerator as instructed, but [[TheThingThatWouldNotLeave it's still playing]] the [[PrecisionFStrike F*CKING]] song -Agent Alyson''

[[folder:Experiment Logs 0400-0499]]
* Archivist Morgan's request for 914 to stop making weird s*** is not appreciated.
-->'''Input:''' One handwritten note reading "Please stop producing anomalous items."\\

'''Output:''' One paper with a [[BigNo big "NO"]] written in the center that was floating in the air, spinning, and playing "Yakety Sax" from no apparent source\\
''Note: [[NoJustNoReaction …No. Nope. I've had it.]] [[RageQuit I'm done. No more. I quit!]] [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Where's the medical bay, I'll take whatever amnestics I need to to get out of here!]] - Archivist Morgan\\
Note: To site security: I would like to report that there is [[FreakOut a mental breakdown in progress]] in the general area of the 914 testing area. His name is Archivist Morgan and he's heading for the medical bay in order to amnesicize himself. Please stop him, I don't trust his ability to regulate himself in his current state. He is identifiable by being the guy running through the hallways screaming "[[ScrewThisImOuttaHere I quit]]" at the top of his lungs. Thank you. - Archivist Hansen\\
[[AndAnotherThing Note:]] I've seen 914 archivists [[HeroicBSOD melt down]] before, but this is the most entertaining one I've seen yet. Usually they just start crying on their desks, which is kinda underwhelming. - Archivist Hansen''
[[/folder]][[foldercontrol]]

[[folder:General]]
* [[TooDumbToLive Researcher Isaac Darby]] generates a new CMOF (and [[AmusingInjuries a new grievous injury]] and [[DeathAsComedy dead D-Class]]) every time he shows up. [[note]][[EscalatingPunchline Eventually.]] His first several appearances are far more mundane (he's subject to a minor HumiliationConga and has law enforcement come looking for him, but is otherwise treated largely like any other tester in his first several appearances); he first shows up in the 0200-0299 experiment logs, but doesn't truly become a RunningGag until late in the 0400-0499 logs.[[/note]]
** Other researchers who become {{Running Gag}}s include Dr. Calloway (who is relentlessly {{troll}}ed), Dr. Nukea (who has a bizarre obsession with ''[[Film/SeventeenAgain 17 Again]]'' (which SCP-914 quickly gets sick of dealing with)), Maintenance Technician Johnson (who SCP-914 ''tries'' to be nice to, [[UnwantedAssistance but ends up doing so in a way that breaks Foundation protocol]]), and Professor Wren (who SCP-914 develops a fondness for, but [[TheGadfly still isn't above screwing with her from time to time]]).
* As the logs go on, SPC-914 takes a liking to some researchers and a disliking to others, and there starts to be a level of consistency to what each researcher gets.
** This reaches a head when Professor Wren (one of the researchers that SCP-914 ''likes'') keeps getting outputs that are related to the number 19, causing everyone to suspect that something big (and probably bad) will happen on her 19th test. The actual result of her 19th test?
--->"[[ParanoiaGambit Paranoia]] [[{{Troll}} test]] [[AntiClimax concluded.]]"
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Experiment Logs 0100-0199]]
* This bit is an amusing piece of MundaneUtility:
-->"Yes, I've been playing chess with 914. Yes, I'm aware it's supposed to be non-sentient, but that hardly explains why it's winning." [[note]]The observant chess players among you might notice that 914's opening two moves is a clear attempt to play a Scholar's Mate.[[/note]]
* SCP-914 does not appreciate tax forms.
-->'''Input''': 1x IRS Form 1040 (blank)\\
'''Setting''': Fine\\
'''Output''': 1x IRS Form 1040, with all blank space including margins and backs of pages filled with imprecations against the IRS and taxation in general in the following languages [in order of quantity of text, from greatest to least]: Basque, Quenya [see below], Sumerian, Cherokee, an unidentifiable language with a writing system composed of curved symbols, Classical Chinese, English (from the curses used, apparently c. 1650-1750). After long study of the unidentifiable symbols Dr. █████ could identify no commonality with any of the other languages present on the form. The Sumerian contained three words unattested from any known text. The Quenya had its cursing of the IRS interspersed with vituperation of someone or something called "[[Literature/TheSilmarillion Morgoth]]".
** Remember, that was the ''Fine'' setting. The output on Very Fine is:
-->An anachronistic IRS Form "MXL"[[note]]1040 in Roman numerals[[/note]] filled out by [[UsefulNotes/{{Caligula}} Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus]].
* Fun with art:
-->'''Input:''' One (1) print of [''Les trahison des images'' by René Marguite]\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' A blank piece of paper with the memetic property of inducing observers to believe that it is a pipe. The paper was accidentally destroyed by Dr. C███████ who placed it in his mouth and set it on fire. Dr. C███████ was treated for minor burns to his face but was otherwise not injured.
* Putting a stress ball in SCP-914 turns out to be a terrible idea:
-->'''Input:''' One (1) of the above-mentioned "stress balls"\\

'''Output:''' [[strike:An unaltered stress ball.]] A stress ball that, at random intervals between a minute and five minutes in length, hurls itself at the face of the person in closest proximity to it. If the face is covered or otherwise protected, it will alternatively aim for the stomach [[GroinAttack or crotch]]. Object secured and destroyed.\\
''Note: I'm guessing [[LiteralGenie it took the idea of a "stress" ball very literally]]. Ouch. - Dr. Hadian''
** For those who are wondering: the Very Fine setting produced a living teddy bear, which was quickly viewed as being similar to SCP-1048 and fitted with a tracking device. Thankfully, this teddy bear hasn't done anything naughty... ''yet''.
* The researcher behind this one should be thankful that this didn't turn out worse:
-->'''Items Used''': One (1) block of concrete, 12x one (1) foot lengths of steel rebar, One (1) can of Krylon brand spray paint, One (1) picture of SCP-173\\
'''Input''': Contents stated above\\
'''Setting''': Fine\\
'''Output''': Thirty (30) miniature replicas of SCP-173, all animate and extremely [[strike:cute]] hostile[[note]]but unable to harm anyone because they are too small[[/note]]. They cannot move within direct line of sight. Objects are reported to attack by bumping into the legs of personnel and are extremely resistant to being moved.
* SCP-914 is not a fast food station:
-->'''Name:''' Dr. ██████\\
'''Date:''' ██/██/20██\\
'''Total Items:''' Three (3) sheets of 8.5x11in printing paper with varying instructions

-->'''Input:''' A sheet of 8.5x11in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
Output: A single sheet of 8.5x11in paper, with the words “I would like a Whopper. No Ketchup, No Mustard. Small order of onion rings, and a medium Coke”

-->'''Input:''' A sheet of 8.5x11in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' A stack of US counterfeit currency, composed of standard paper and printed with #2 pencil lead. The currency totals to the exact cost of the requested order, plus tax.

-->'''Input:''' A sheet of 8.5x11in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████\\

'''Output:''' A single sheet of 8.5x11 in paper, with a series of symbols inscribed upon it which do not correspond to any known system of writing. Subjects viewing the symbols describe a sudden and intense desire for a cheeseburger.
* SCP-914 once again proves itself capable of producing SCP-classifiable items:
-->'''Input''': 1 (one) ██████ brand 'Super-Duper Bouncy Ball'\\
'''Setting''': Very Fine\\
'''Output''': One ball, that appears unchanged from the input. There is however, a difference in its [REDACTED] properties, exhibited when dropped by Dr Brown. [REDACTED] forty five casualties, twelve injuries [DATA EXPUNGED] forty-five casualties, and reached escape velocity. Currently thought to be orbiting Mars.[[note]]These are essentially the same qualities as SPC-018, though perhaps to a lesser degree.[[/note]]
* Fun with alcohol.
-->''Name'': Agent Smithers\\
Date: 8/19/████\\
Total Items: Two (2) bottles of mass-produced supermarket beer and two (2) bottles of microbrewed, hand-crafted beer.\\
\\
'''Input''': One (1) bottle of high-quality beer.\\
'''Setting''': Very fine.\\
'''Output''': A small glass orb filled with a glowing gas. Mass is identical to the beer bottle. Later testing revealed that physical contact with the orb produces an inspirational effect on the subject. D-8742, upon contact with the object, requested a sheet of paper, which he folded into a paper [DATA EXPUNGED].\\
''Update: It's been five months since D-8742's termination, and that thing is still in the air. Possible SCP classification?''
* Applying 1:1 to the [[MadeOfExplodium Samsung Galaxy Note 7]] results in... a grenade.
-->''Note from Dr. Sutherland: I did this out of curiosity and because I wanted to prevent my phone from exploding in my pocket. Apparently SCP-914 has a sense of humor, and keeps up with current events.''
* Apparently, 914 hates crosswords, despite its questionable sentience:
-->'''Input''': An unsolved crossword puzzle\\
'''Setting''': Fine\\
'''Output''': A brief typed letter requesting the meanings of various short phrases. Examination shows that they line up with the "clues" given in the crossword.\\
'''Input''': An unsolved crossword puzzle\\
'''Setting''': Very Fine\\
'''Output''': A crumpled-up piece of paper. The output was launched at high velocity and trailed smoke.\\
''Note: Yeah, I never really liked those things, either.''
* This one is ''hilarious'':
-->'''Input''': One pound of █████ brand bacon. Fully cooked. One photograph of SCP-682.\\
'''Setting''': Very fine\\
'''Output''': One miniature replica of SCP-682, approximately five inches tall at the shoulder, made entirely out of cooked █████ brand bacon. Entity is fully animate and extremely hostile toward all life forms. It escaped containment, attempting to kill all staff present. It was unable to inflict any damage due to its small size and the materials used in its composition. Entity made a “sizzling” sound as it moved that several staff described as “pleasing to the ears.” Classification of entity as [[{{Pun}} SCP-682-BAC]] denied.\\
''Note: Very funny, Dr. Curtis. You are suspended from testing SCP-914 until further notice. Though I have to admit, it smelled delicious. -Dr. Gears''
** The next researcher to enter the testing room wonders why it smells like bacon.
* After a speaker turns into something that [[SensoryAbuse loudly]] (300db, [[BrownNote more than enough to deafen people]]!) [[LoudOfWar blasts whatever the person has in mind]]:
-->''Note: I can't believe the last thing I ever heard was Barry Manilow. [[TakeThat We couldn't have found a D-Class with better music taste?]] -Dr. Maguire''
* A little bit of Fridge Humour: If you put a copy of ''VideoGame/ETTheExtraterrestrial'' in 914, and set it to Fine, it returns a boxed copy. As in, [[TakeThat it's better as a collector's item or shelf decoration than as a game]].
* SCP-914 + Skateboard Wheels = Bad Idea
-->'''Input:''' One (1) wheel (green)\\

'''Output:''' One (1) bearing, suspended by an invisible outer wheel of unknown material. Although invisible, the outer wheel physically exists and appears to use higher-dimensional translations to redirect the force of gravity and propel the object forward at at about half the speed of free fall. The wheel can be easily stopped at low speeds, but gains momentum quickly while unhindered. Prospective researchers should note that under the influence of gravity the wheel will always retain a 1/4mg horizontal force, even while at rest.

-->''Note 1: And they say you can't reinvent the wheel. - Dr. Collins''\\
''Note 2: Following [[TooFastToStop the collision of a Class-D personnel with Dr. ████ at ██ mph]], [[WhyWeCantHaveNiceThings all human testing has been suspended until Dr. ████ can come up with a procedure that isn't idiotic]].''
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Experiment Logs 0200-0299]]
* Poor, poor Dr. Mason; just when he thinks he’s made a breakthrough... well, just read for yourself.
-->'''Name:''' Dr. Mason\\
'''Date:''' 07/06/2017\\
'''Total Items:''' Five (5) realtime location beacons, standard Foundation issue.\\
''Note: The area above and around SCP-914 was set with receivers before this test. In this test, all directional notation is relative to the central "Intake" and "Output" booths, i.e., a subject standing at the mainspring is facing "North".''

-->'''Input:''' One (1) tracking beacon\\
'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' Small amounts of various scrap metals and other composite materials of tracking beacons.\\
'''Path:''' Within the first 0.15 seconds, the signal was traced to move 3.41 meters "North" before turning exactly ninety one (91) degrees. Signal was lost after another 0.3 meters.

-->'''Input:''' One (1) tracking beacon\\
'''Setting:''' Coarse\\
'''Output:''' One (1) tracking beacon, with battery and transceiver unit removed. No other visible damage.\\
'''Path:''' While again initially traveling "North" for 3.41 meters, the tracking device remained functional for almost twice the amount of time as the first trial. This path appeared to follow the outer edges of the rectangular main body of SCP 914 before the signal was lost.\\
''Note: I wonder if there are set paths that each setting follows. - Dr. Mason''

-->'''Input:''' One (1) tracking beacon\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' One (1) unlabeled tracking beacon consistent with those used by Canadian counterterrorism groups.\\
'''Path:''' "North" for 3.41 meters. Signal then moves towards one of the "Southwestern" outer segments of SCP-914, where it repeatedly follows an equilateral triangle for 0.13 seconds before losing signal. Analysis of received signals shows a new signal retracing a path back to the booths.\\
''Note: Seriously, though. What is that first bit Northward for? I've checked the recordings, it does that in every test. [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Every. Single. One.]] - Dr. Mason''

-->'''Input:''' One (1) tracking beacon\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' One (1) apparent tracking beacon, components consistent with Foundation-specific requirements. Tracking beacon is smaller than standard, with certain unknown components. Testing revealed it to be fully operational, although signal was lost mid-test, as the output ran a different operating system.\\
'''Path:''' "North" for 3.63 meters. "South-southeast" for 0.7 meters. Accelerates in the opposite direction for four (4) meters before signal cutoff.\\
''Note: So, I was talking to a colleague about my testing, and they said that the Fine output sounded familiar. Turns out the smaller beacon and the new OS are both prototypes right now. Guess we end up using them. - Dr. Mason''

-->'''Input:''' One (1) tracking beacon\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' One (1) thin strip of translucent film, shown to be attachable with static cling. Discovered to be remarkable resilient for its size when D-1126 tore a fingernail pulling it off of the wall of the Output Booth. Currently unreadable.\\
'''Path:''' "North" for 3.41 meters. Subsequently appears to reach all parts of SCP-914, although high speeds prevented receivers from accurately tracking the path.\\
''Note 1: Well, that was disappointing. At least I got a strip of fancy tape. Hopefully I'll be able to get something out of the prior results. - Dr. Mason\\
Note 2: So, turns out if you let that tape stick itself to your hand, you can draw the paths of whatever it recorded. You also draw a legend, and what appears to be a menu screen. I'm going to try to get this put onto a D-Class to preserve my wrists. - Dr. Mason\\
Note 3: Wow. So, not only did the new tracker record its own movements, it somehow recorded ALL of the movements. Of EVERYTHING that 914 has worked on over the last 3 months. [[TemptingFate I think I've finally gotten 914 to work with us]], albeit with a lot of analysis involved. This is amazing. - Dr. Mason\\
Note 4: [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. I thought it would make sense for ONCE. But no, [[{{Troll}} it had to be messing with us again]]. One of my interns - sorry, Junior Researchers - found out that, if you superimpose all the paths from the tracker, you get a 3D image of the Foundation logo. It's pretty for art drawn in GPS, but it still makes this whole project meaningless. Piece of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] doesn't follow set paths. It does whatever it wants. - Dr. Mason\\
Note 5: Dr. Mason [[HeroicBSOD has been placed on psychological leave]] [[RageQuit due to apparent stress]]. Junior Researcher Chen has taken over. Analysis of the object paths taken will continue. - O5 Command''
* Dr. Hertz put in a CD of his own self-recorded guitar music set to Very Fine. The machine returned a CD with silent tracks and copies of books for beginner's singing, songwriting, and guitar playing. [[DreadfulMusician Hertz]] [[CantTakeCriticism had to be dragged out]] [[DisproportionateRetribution when he attacked the machine]].
* An attempt to analyze a computer virus known as "Creeper" doesn't go as planned.
-->'''Input:''' Creeper source code on USB drive.\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' A metallic figure, [[VideoGame/{{Minecraft}} green in color and vaguely phallic]]. The object self-destructed upon being removed from SCP-914, in a manner comparable to a commercial firework. The remains have shown no anomalous properties.

-->''Note: Well, that was anticlimactic. - Dr. Manheim''
* SCP-914 doesn't think highly of Nazis.
-->'''Name:''' Researcher M. Inselmann\\
'''Date:''' 04/12/2018\\
'''Total Items:''' Three copies of 'Mein Kampf,' by UsefulNotes/AdolfHitler. Text in the original German.

-->'''Input:''' A copy of Mein Kampf\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' A book titled 'How to Make Friends, Influence People, and then Murder Them,' subtitled 'How to be a Dickhead for Dummies.' Text mostly consists of [[ClusterFBomb hyperbolic German profanity]].

-->'''Input:''' A copy of Mein Kampf\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' [[TakeThat A pile of ashes.]]

-->'''Input:''' A copy of Mein Kampf\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' [[AdolfHitlarious An animate 45-centimeter tall origami caricature of Adolf Hitler.]] Object does not appear to be sapient, [[BoisterousWeakling but is able to vocalize a non-stop stream of threats and boasts]]. Voice confirmed to be that of the original Adolf Hitler. Object also noted to often clumsily fall over or bump into walls while goose-stepping about. Object is harmless, and [[HealingFactor mildly regenerative]] (the origami will refold if disrupted), and can be kicked by researchers as a form of [[CatharsisFactor stress management]] at their discretion.

-->''Note: '''Outside''' of the testing area please. I should not need to specify that. - Dr. Veritas''
* SCP-914 manages to produce the one thing SCP-999 ''doesn't'' like:
-->'''Input:''' 500mL sample of SCP-999\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' A small, spherical blob of translucent, azure-colored slime roughly 12cm in diameter, with a strong garlic-like odor. Found to be mobile and sentient, and capable of making gurgling, chirping vocalizations similar to SCP-999 but at a much deeper pitch. The entity, designated "E-999-A", [[EvilKnockoff was immediately hostile to all staff]], attempting to either leap upon researchers' faces or "headbutt" their shins via rolling across the floor at high speed, though its small size and mass prevented it from doing more than mild bruising.

-->E-999-A was eventually contained and presented to SCP-999, with the assumption that this was its "offspring", and that SCP-999 could teach it to become more docile. SCP-999 instead reacted with immediate hostility, attacking E-999-A with its pseudopods while E-999-A rolled around SCP-999, emitting loud "growling" and "snarling" noises while dodging. SCP-999 finally eliminated E-999-A roughly two minutes later via engulfing it with two pseudopods, rapidly dissolving E-999-A inside its body similar to how SCP-999 digests its meals.

-->No change in SCP-999's color or demeanor following the incident has been noted, however, [[OOCIsSeriousBusiness it is the first and thus far only time that SCP-999 has ever reacted to anything with hostility or violence]]. Further research involving SCP-999's slime is temporarily suspended save for researchers with at least Level 3 clearance, and any experiments involving SCP-999 and SCP-914 are completely prohibited. Mentioning E-999-A to SCP-999 [[LetUsNeverSpeakOfThisAgain results in it immediately "ignoring" whoever speaks to it]], often by wandering off to play with a nearby object or person.

-->''Note: Prof. Snider is currently facing disciplinary action due to violation of biological safety protocol. The next one I catch is losing their clearance indefinitely. - Dr. Veritas.''
* Testing lightbulbs eventually leads to this:
-->'''Input:''' One incandescent light bulb.\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' One anthropomorphic humanoid light bulb. Object vocalized to staff in English with a slight German accent. Claimed to be Thomas Edison who is (erroneously) credited with inventing the first light bulb.

-->''"[[MostAnnoyingSound This thing will not stop talking]] [[KnowNothingKnowItAll about its "grand scientific achievements"]] [[TheThingThatWouldNotLeave to everyone it meets.]] Request to gain as much information as possible about its existence and smash it with a sledgehammer?" - Researcher Blais''\\
''"[[KillItWithFire Just incinerate it, Blais.]]" - Dr. Veritas''
* Transmuting old keys eventually leads to a surprise. And by "a surprise", we mean "ready-made identity fraud".
-->'''Input:''' The former access key to the janitors closet\\
'''Setting:''' Very fine\\
'''Output:''' One metal credit card, VISA #4███████████████8, belonging to JP. B████ the CEO of Amazon.\\
''Note: I guess money can buy you access. - Kurt''\\
''Note: [[NoJustNoReaction You're not keeping that.]] - Chief Security Officer Wright''
* Even on the lower settings, putting sunglasses through SCP-914 has weird results:
-->'''Name:''' Researcher Blais\\
'''Date:''' 05/05/2018\\
'''Total Items:''' Two pairs of standard UV protection sunglasses.

-->'''Input:''' One pair of sunglasses.\\
'''Setting:''' Rough.\\
'''Output:''' One tinted pane of glass Dimensions 50x50x3 mm. When pointed at a light and looked through, the pane [[MushroomSamba generates extreme hallucinations]] from the light source. Such hallucinations have included "dragons and smoke monsters" to "birds with blue flaming wings and horns like a goat". Hallucinations vary from subject to subject and seem to have no correlation to the viewer's mental state or personality. When the pane is turned away from the source, the hallucinations immediately cease and "reset" until turned back to the light.\\
''Note: Multiple D-class subjects have reported seeing a "Deer with enormous antlers and crazy floating orbs" when looking through the pane of glass. Investigation into a possible connection to SCP-2845 is underway.''

-->'''Input:''' One pair of sunglasses.\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' One pair of aviator style sunglasses with mirrored lenses. Memetic effects occur when a person views another individual wearing the sunglasses. Subjects will exclaim and persist that the glasses are the most “extremely stylish” and “hip” they have ever seen. Further testing is in order.\\
''Note: Definitely the most sexy pair of sunglasses I’ve ever seen in my life. I have to keep them if I’m ever going to get a date. - Researcher Blais''\\
''Note: [[SarcasmMode Sure Blais, of course I'm going to let you keep an anomalous object for your personal gain.]] [[HaHaHaNo I stored it in the anomalous item wing for study. Don't ask where, I'm not telling you.]] - Dr. Veritas''
* Experimenting with tabletop games eventually takes a turn into VR disaster:
-->'''Input:''' 1 character sheet for the tabletop roleplaying game Dungeons & Dragons, 3.5th Edition, filled out by Researcher Thompson.\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' A sheet of paper promoting the non-existent tabletop roleplaying game Fear in the Foundation, 1st Edition. The paper repeatedly makes claims about the fun factor of the game but gives little information as to its actual content. Upon reading the entirety of the paper, subjects undergo an out-of-body experience in which they perceive themselves to exist in the game world. Based on subject’s reports, elements of the game are taken from several different tabletop roleplaying games. The game is also noted to contain several Foundation and SCP-related characters, items, and locations. Subjects will exit this state upon either dying in the game, or defeating the final villain.

-->''Note: "I gave this a try, and [[YouAreAlreadyDead ended up seeing SCP-096's face]] [[CriticalFailure after rolling a 1 on stealth]]. If you don't hear from me within 5 minutes, [[BetterToDieThanBeKilled I've blown my brains out]]." -Researcher Jacobson''\\
''Note: "Researcher Jacobson was later found dead in the anomalous item storage wing. Access to [='=]Fear in the Foundation[='=] now requires supervision of at least one armed member of site security in case of visual hazards." —O5-6''
* More fun with MundaneUtility:
-->'''Name:''' Dr. Hazard\\
'''Date:''' 23/05/2018\\
'''Total Items:''' One AP Calculus textbook

-->'''Input:''' One AP Calculus textbook\\
'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' Large shreds of paper and plastic in a pile

-->''Note: [[DefensiveWhat What?]] Don’t look at me like that, school’s over. - Dr. Hazard''

-->''Note: Hazard, if I catch you using 914 as your personal paper shredder again, I'm reassigning you to Site-██. Yes, [[ReassignedToAntarctica the one on Antarctica]]. - Dr. Veritas''
* SCP-914 does ''[[OhCrap not]]'' want to make ''[[TheDreaded any]]'' contact with [[MechanicalAbomination SCP]]-[[TheAssimilator 882]].
-->'''Name:''' Dr. Stern\\
'''Date:''' 08/06/2018\\
'''Total Items:''' Four A4 printed photographs of SCP-882

-->'''Input:''' One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882\\
'''Setting:''' Coarse\\
'''Output:''' [[BigNo One 200x148mm piece of paper in the shape of a zero or letter O. One similarly sized piece of paper in the shape of a capital letter N or Z.]] Several hundred 5-10mm triangular scraps of paper. One small puddle of brownish ink.

-->'''Input:''' One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' One A4 sheet of paper, [[NoJustNoReaction printed with the word "NO" in 83 different languages]], [[RapidFireNo taking up approximately one-half of the page]]. The rest of the page was occupied by angular pictograms arranged seemingly at random, which were reported as producing "a feeling of trepidation and discomfort". Subsequent investigation revealed these symbols to be a minor cognitohazard, and the sheet of paper was put into containment.

-->'''Input:''' One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' One inked origami model of a human in a kneeling position, hands raised to its head. When picked up, the model abruptly unfolded, giving Dr. Stern a shallow cut across the tips of three fingers and the thumb. [[ImpliedDeathThreat The unfolded model resembled a human body torn into four pieces.]]

-->'''Input:''' One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' ''Although planned, [[KnowWhenToFoldEm this test was cancelled on request from Dr. Stern]].''
* An ill-advised test causes Dr. Veritas' blood pressure to spike.
-->'''Name:''' Researcher Jed\\
'''Date:''' 30/06/2018\\
'''Total Items:''' One gear from SCP-914

-->'''Input:''' One gear from SCP-914\\
'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' [[EpicFail Failed to operate. Gear destroyed.]] A replica was made and is currently being installed.\\
''Note: A vote by the O5 suspended researcher Jed from testing for one year. SCP repaired as of 07/05/2018.''

-->''Note: [[WhatAnIdiot He]] [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe did]] '''[[BigWhat what?!]]''' - Dr. Veritas''
-->''Notice: In an effort to preserve SCP-914's structural integrity, and for the sake of Dr. Veritas' blood pressure, I strongly caution against personnel using its own parts in testing. Thank you. - Dr. Gears.''
** The stupidity continues ''immediately''.
-->'''Name:''' Researcher Wood.\\
'''Date:''' 07/05/2018\\
'''Total Items:''' One vial of [[HollywoodAcid corrosive slime]] recovered from [[HumanoidAbomination SCP-106's]] containment chamber.

-->'''Input:''' One aforementioned vial.\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine.\\
'''Output:''' Before the refining process could begin, the test was interrupted by security personnel and Researcher Wood was restrained. The vial of SCP-106's slime was disposed of.

-->''Note: I think I need to re-iterate. Feel free to test at your own discretion, but for Christ's sake, use common sense. [[TranquilFury I swear, when I find Wood]] [[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon I'm going to [REDACTED].]] Dr. Smith.''\\
''Note: Due to his failure to follow basic guidelines, as well as [[TooDumbToLive to preserve his own safety]], Researcher Wood has been [[PutOnABus transferred off-site]].''
* SCP-914 is not a beautician. Or, at least, it ''shouldn't'' be one.[[note]]Keep in mind that biological testing with SCP-914 is '''''[[SeriousBusiness strictly]]''''' prohibited, since the biological tests conducted so far have ultimately ended in either {{Squick}} or a potential containment breach.[[/note]]
-->'''Name:''' Junior Researcher Summers\\
'''Date:''' 23/07/2018\\
'''Total Items:''' [[strike:1 plastic hair clip]] [[ProfessorGuineaPig Junior Researcher Summers]]

-->'''Input:''' Junior Researcher Summers\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' Junior Researcher Summers, with noticeably clearer skin, longer hair and a better figure. She was very disoriented, but otherwise unharmed. Junior Researcher Summers was apprehended upon output.

-->''Note: She told us she just wanted to try with her hair clip. By the time we realized what she was actually doing, it was too late to stop her. Needless to say, she's since been terminated, and I ''hope'' I don't need to tell you all to '''not do it again.''' - Dr. Veritas''[[note]]This doesn't really qualify as DisproportionateRetribution, as the results could have been far, ''far'' worse.[[/note]]
* Dr. Veritas tests the replacement gear by processing some thermometers. The final test is… ''interesting''.
-->'''Input:''' One digital thermometer.\\
'''Setting:''' Very fine.\\
'''Output:''' An intricate instrument with several digital dials that change when exposed to different temperatures and directions. One of the dials seemingly moves without purpose. The symbols do not correspond to any known mathematical object to count or measure.

-->''Note: Found out what the last dial did. It responds to minor changes in the orbital trajectory of [[NamesTheSame Mercury]]. [[{{Pun}} Mercury, like what we used in traditional thermometers.]] [[LamePunReaction Hilarious.]] After four years of working with the damned thing, [[{{Troll}} it's still taunting me]]. Carry on, people. The next person that takes out a part of the machine [[FedToTheBeast gets fed to the first thing with large teeth I can find]]. - Veritas.''\\
''Note: After some concerns raised, we should mention that Dr. Veritas is not authorised to feed his colleagues to anomalous objects. We do however, approve of his… request to refrain from using parts of SCP-914 in testing. - Site Director Hackett.''
* A test with a Rubik's Cube goes horribly wrong:
-->'''Input:''' One Rubik’s cube.\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' A “hypercube” space anomaly. When Dr. Anton tried to rotate it, the cube sucked his hand into the rift, breaking several of his hand's bones.\\
''Note: Firstly, [[MajorInjuryUnderreaction ow]]. Second, I am not surprised at this result, a hypercube. Third, [[SkewedPriorities does anyone know how to solve it?]] - Dr. Anton''\\
''Note: Anton, we try to solve spacetime anomalies '''after''' we get out of the hospital wing. - Veritas''
* Dr. Xerial attempted to see what 914 would do with various pictures of SCP objects. The final test:
-->'''Input:''' One (1) picture of SCP-173.
-->'''Setting:''' 1:1
-->'''Output:''' [[YouAreAlreadyDead One (1) picture of SCP-096.]]
-->''Note: [[OhCrap Oh shit.]] - [[DeadManWalking Dr. Xerial]]''
-->''Note 2: Xerial's remains ([[NotEnoughToBury what was left]]) have been disposed of. Someone write up the cause of death as "[[TooDumbToLive natural selection]]". - Dr. Veritas''
* Using thaumatology on SCP-914 backfires ''immensely''.
-->'''Name:''' Dr. Devant. Thaumatology researcher.\\
''[[BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor I hope to find answers]] where Dr. Mason only found SCP-914 [[{{Troll}} messing with him.]] - Dr. Devant''\\
'''Date:''' 03/10/2018\\
'''Total Items:''' 5 Thaumatologically crafted letters (acting as tracking beacons) in envelopes that will remotely write the path taken on an associated paper sheet outside of SCP-914. These letters are also sealed closed with special trigger symbols in sealing wax that, when traversing boundaries of realities or alternate universes, will trigger the associated wax candles outside of SCP-914 to light themselves.

-->'''Input:''' 1 tracking envelope.\\
'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' A small pile of cinnabar, a tiny beeswax honeycomb structure, scraps of paper and a small pile of glitter (presumed to be the thaumatological writing from the letter).\\
'''Notes:''' The candle did not light, an outline of a human face was drawn on the paper sheet.\\
''[[TemptingFate Yes! we're getting somewhere.]] [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong No way this drawing could form the Foundation logo.]] - Dr. Devant''

-->'''Input:''' 1 tracking envelope.\\
'''Setting:''' Coarse\\
'''Output:''' 1 unfolded envelope (no visible markings), one letter with SCP-3669-2 notation in glittery black ink. One unbroken wax seal with the stylized initials C.F. stamped on it.\\
'''Notes:''' The candle did not light, the paper showed a zig-zagging pattern being drawn across it.\\
''The arrows on the letter do not match the chaotic movement on the paper. I'll have the letter analysed by another department. - Dr. Devant''

-->'''Input:''' 1 tracking envelope.\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' A punch card labeled "FORTRAN STATEMENT" wherein 688 of the 800 positions were punched. Each of the punched holes had a shape of thaumatological significance. The surface of the card feels "waxy" and has a slight glitter like glint to it. The nature of the program on the card is being analysed by the anomalous computing dept.\\
'''Notes:''' The candle produced a small puff of smoke, but did not light. On the sheet of paper a pair of human eyes were drawn.\\
While the results of the candle were inconclusive, SCP-914 seems to be drawing a human face.\\
''[[ThisIsGonnaSuck I'm beginning to believe that my plan has already failed.]] - Dr. Devant''

-->'''Input:''' 1 tracking envelope.\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' 1 origami helicopter (modeled after a Bell UH-1 Iroquois), the windows are painted on with glittery black ink, the engine compartment is made of red sealing wax. After manually winding the blades the helicopter can fly a short distance in a random direction.\\
'''Notes:''' The candle produced a small spark and puff of smoke. A pair of human ears, a human nose & voluptuous lips were drawn on the paper.\\
''I'm not quite sure what the candle is signaling here, it should just light itself when the seal traverses to another reality, this effect needs further investigation. The face drawn on the tracking papers is too crude to do any facial recognition on, [[TemptingFate let's see if the Very Fine setting helps]]. - Dr. Devant''

-->'''Input:''' 1 tracking envelope.\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' 1 wax sealed envelope, addressed to the high school nickname of Dr. Devant, the seal was stamped with a heart symbol. Inside the envelope was a letter of rejection to Dr. Devant, written in black glittery ink. This letter is currently being investigated for cognitohazardous effects.\\
'''Notes:''' The candle was lit. The paper had random scribbles all over. When all five outputs on the papers were overlaid [[WhamShot it produced a sketch of]] [[TheLostLenore ████████ ████████████ (now deceased), a helicopter pilot and former high school romantic interest of Dr. Devant]]. Dr. Devant [[DespairEventHorizon has been placed in the psych ward]] after [[InelegantBlubbering excessive sobbing]] and [[DrivenToSuicide showing of suicidal tendencies.]]

-->''This one's odd to me. All my experiments so far have conformed to the belief that SCP-914 works via associations of the operator. Unless the good Doctor can tell me otherwise, that doesn't seem to be the case here. I would suggest against using thaumaturgy on 914, it's already weird enough as is. -Researcher K. Midaeus''
* An attempt to improve a tracking device gets taken too far.
-->'''Name:''' Researcher Daniel\\
'''Date:''' 18/11/2018\\
'''Total Items:''' One Standard Foundation Tracking Device, Six (6) AA Batteries\\
''Note: Before the test, subject D-4936 was given these devices, which were receiving signals from tracking devices near [=SCPs=]. The intention for this test is to try and create an SCP tracker.''

-->'''Input:''' One Standard Foundation Tracking Device\\
'''Operator:''' D-4936\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' One Improved Tracking Device. When loaded with batteries and pointed at an SCP it will emit a beeping noise that will speed up with proximity. The batteries go flat after five minutes of operation.\\
''It actually worked, albeit for short periods. Attempting to improve. -Researcher Daniel''

-->'''Input:''' One Improved Tracking Device, Three AA Batteries\\
'''Operator:''' D-4936\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' One Improved Tracking Device. Battery life increased to thirty minutes\\
''Still too short. Let's try one more time. [[TemptingFate I don't understand why so many people are complaining about 914.]] -Researcher Daniel''

-->'''Input:''' One Improved Tracking Device, Three AA Batteries\\
'''Operator:''' D-4936\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' One Improved Tracking Device. Upon the Output booth opening, [[GoneHorriblyRight it attached itself to the booth wall and]] [[SensoryAbuse made a loud blaring noise]]. The object was unable to be removed from the wall of the booth. Attempts to destroy the object without causing damage to SCP-914 resulted in failures. Despite not being able to remove it, the tracker could be slid along the walls. The object was then slid out of the Output booth, across SCP-914 and into the Intake booth.

-->'''Input:''' One Improved Tracking Device\\
'''Operator:''' D-4936\\
'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' Burnt pile of metal and plastic

-->''Finally shut that thing up! -Researcher Daniel\\
Note: Researcher Daniel was reprimanded for his carelessness and admitted to the medbay for an aspirin. -Senior Researcher Brad\\
Note: [[SurroundedByIdiots Why am I surrounded by complete imbeciles?]] - Veritas''
* An attempt to give 914 a tune-up ends in an unexpected fashion:
-->'''Name:''' Maintenance Technician Johnson\\
'''Date:''' 18/11/2018\\
'''Total Items:''' Five gallons industrial strength degreaser, One gallon industrial strength rust remover, One gallon industrial engine lubricant, One handwritten note reading “Use these supplies to give yourself a tune-up”\\
'''Note:''' Let’s see if I can give 914 a tune-up. Who knows how long it’s been since it last had one?

-->'''Input:''' All of the above\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' A foul-smelling mixture of the aforementioned degreaser and lubricant. Analysis reveals substantial amounts of rust, ash, and soot. The note is unreadable due to being completely blackened. One small metal and a plastic statue of Maintenance Technician Johnson holding a wrench and standing in a gallant pose. Statue has memetic properties leading to viewers gaining an intense urge to give M.T. Johnson either a promotion or a pay raise, whichever would lead to him getting paid more. This effect lasts for an average of two hours after viewing. Moved to secure containment.

-->''Note: Now every pay raise or promotion I could ever possibly receive is going to be treated as a possible containment breach. Great. - Maintenance Technician Johnson\\
Note: The cleanup took 2 bloody hours. Remind me to take the clearance of the next technician that tries this without conferring with a senior researcher first. - Veritas''
* Dr. Day and his amazing technicolor pens:
-->'''Name:''' Dr. Day\\
'''Date:''' 30-11-18\\
'''Total Items:''' 4 broken pens.

-->''Note: I'm getting pissed off at all my pens breaking.'' -Day

-->'''Input:''' 1 broken pen\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' A mechanical pencil with what appeared to be a plastic cartridge. melted into ink when Dr. Day tried to retrieve it.\\
''Note: God dammit, [Data Smudged] hands [Data Smudged] with ink'' -Day

-->'''Input:''' 1 broken pen\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' A pen that is always activated. Changes to a new color every time the button is pressed.\\
''Welp, the pen I was using to write this report broke. Hopefully 914 made this one indestructible as well.'' -Day

-->'''Input:''' 1 broken pen\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' An ornate fountain pen. The ink is imbued in the outer case. Ink cartridge is empty.\\
''Note: Great job, great freaking job, 914.'' -Day

-->'''Input:''' 1 broken pen\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' A pen that will write down everything that is said in the general vicinity, of about 3 meters.

-->''Note: This is great! Now I don't have to write! Hey, Dayman, you can't use that, we don't know what properties it has.\\
But all my pens are broken!\\
I will see if we can get you some more pens, Dayman.\\
Can't I use it to finish writing this report first? And don't call me Dayman. Wait, did it just record everything we said? Yes, apparent- -Pen''
* Dr. Einen is a nerd:
-->'''Name:''' Dr. Einen\\
'''Date:''' 01/05/2018\\
'''Total Items:''' One container filled with 20mg of tears. One clay doll resembling [[VideoGame/TheBindingOfIsaac a wide-eyed child]].

-->'''Input:''' Both previously mentioned items\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' Object has the appearance of the original doll, but with the capability to move around. When agitated, it appears to be able to shoot out 'tears' from its supposed eyes. Object neutralized after being exposed to a small wooden replica of a cross.

-->''I just wanted to know what would happen, [[VideoGame/TheBindingOfIsaac the game is damn fun]] - Dr. Einen\\
Again, please try not to create anything that might become living. [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial I’m not saying that you were intentionally trying to create █████,]] but really? -Dr. Nome''
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Experiment Logs 0300-0399]]
* Fun with personnel files.
-->'''Name:''' Dr. Anton\\
'''Date:''' 10/12/18\\
'''Total Items:''' Several Personnel Files, 5 200 g iron cubes

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. S. Pider, 200 g iron cube\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' A bingo card, containing several marks on it, including a "bingo" configuration. several iron balls, engraved with numbers, some of which correspond with the marks on the card.

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Maintenance Technician Johnston, 200 g iron cube\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' [[BrickJoke One small metal and paper statue of Maintenance Technician Johnson holding a wrench and standing in a gallant pose. Statue has memetic properties leading to viewers gaining an intense urge to give M.T. Johnson either a promotion or a pay raise, whichever would lead to him getting paid more. This effect lasts for an average of two hours after viewing.]]\\
''Note: [[DidntWeUseThisJokeAlready This]] [[OhNoNotAgain again!?]] - MT. Johnson''

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Veritas, 200 g iron cube\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' Documentation for SCP-914, level 3 clearance. Test logs not included.\\
''Note: …No comment. - Dr. Anton\\
Note: To whoever gave Anton my personnel file: [[TranquilFury Pray that I don't find out who you are.]] - Veritas.''

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Day, 200 g iron cube\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' [[strike:no change]] The document has significant changes, and a memetic effect where talking about them [[RainbowSpeak changes the color of text]]. Main changes include [DATA EXPUNGED]. Cube has a purple tinge.

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Anton, 200 g iron cube\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' An iron gear, and an apology note. Upon reading, Dr. Anton burst into tears and had to be removed by security personnel.
* A test with various measuring devices leads to a BrickJoke.
-->'''Input:''' One wristwatch, one thermometer\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' One wristwatch without markings. The hour hand appears immobile at first. Further testing indicates that it moves albeit extremely slowly; it completes one full round every 1407.5 hours.\\
''That's the sidereal rotational period of ''[[NamesTheSame Mercury.]]'' [[LamePunReaction Son of a…]]''

* The restrictions on biological testing are in place for a ''reason''.
-->'''Name:''' Junior Researcher Murray\\
'''Date:''' 22/09/19\\
'''Total Items:''' Five 8GB [=SanDisk=] 8GB Cruzer Blade USB 3.0 memory sticks, each containing a single [=FAT32=] partition with the file ''monika.chr'' from the 2017 parody horror visual novel "VisualNovel/DokiDokiLiteratureClub", developed by Team Salvato.

-->'''Input:''' One memory stick\\
'''Setting:''' Rough\\
'''Output:''' Melted heap of silicone, metal and plastic, equal to mass, volume and weight of input product. Data likely lost.

-->'''Input:''' One memory stick\\
'''Setting:''' Coarse\\
'''Output:''' Memory stick disassembled into its separate components. [=FAT32=] partition has been corrupted.

-->'''Input:''' One memory stick\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' One Kingston [=DataTraveler=] G4 USB 3.0 8GB flash drive containing a single [=ExFAT=] partition with one file on it; analysis reveals to be all of the dialogue, in-game sprites and compilation of fan art of character "Sans" from "VideoGame/{{Undertale}}", a game created by Creator/TobyFox in 2015.

-->'''Input:''' One memory stick\\
''Note 2: Upon closer inspection of security camera footage, it appears that Junior Researcher Murray had also placed a large bucket's worth of stolen human tissue (from the medical department) into the input chamber.''\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' [DATA EXPUNGED], promptly terminated after breaching the walls of SCP-914's containment. Junior Researcher Murray, showing an almost memetic attraction to the entity, was also terminated after [[TakingTheBullet trying to shield said entity from the bullets of the guards' assault rifles]].\\
''Note 3: Alright, [[TooDumbToLive who else]] [[YouNeedToGetLaid wants to create]] a [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] [[CreatingLife sentient]] [[RealityWarper reality bender]] [[PerverseSexualLust waifu]] with SCP-914? For those that fail, your prize will be [[MindRape Class E amnestics]]. - Senior Researcher ██████''
* [[SchmuckBait It's not long]] [[HereWeGoAgain before Researcher Murray's mistakes are repeated]]:
-->'''Name:''' Junior Researcher Altdamm\\
'''Date:''' 04/01/19\\
'''Total Items:''' Two 4GB [=SanDisk=] 4GB Cruzer Blade USB 3.0 memory sticks, each containing a single NTFS partition of the .apk file of the 2.0223_274 version of ''VideoGame/GirlsFrontline''; one X-Sponge; one 1:10 model of the ''Girls Frontline'' character Grizzly MkV

-->'''Input:''' One USB and one X-Sponge\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' One X-Sponge which automatically redacts all information not related to the game ''Girls Frontline'' in any form. ███████ ███████ ████ ██ ████████ ███████████ ██████████ ██ ███ ████ ██ ███████ ███████ ██.\\
''Note: [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong ██████ ██, ████ ███ ████ ██ ████ ████████ ██ ████?]] -Altdamm''

-->'''Input:''' One USB and one model of Grizzly [=MkV=]\\
''Reviewing security footage has shown that [[HereWeGoAgain Junior Researcher Altdamm inserted a box full of human tissue stolen from a deceased D-class personnel in the Medical Department]], including said personnel's clothing.''\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' An entity resembling the Girls Frontline character Grizzly [=MkV=], as well as a fully loaded Kel-Tec PMR-30 automatic pistol. Initially disoriented, the entity grabbed the pistol and shot Junior Researcher Altdamm six times in his abdomen and chest, before surrendering itself to Foundation authorities. Junior Researcher Altdamm himself died of blood loss.

-->''Note: Again? [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe Seriously?]] The next person caught attempting to create a reality bender waifu with 914 [[ShootTheDangerousMinion will be rewarded with a bullet in the head]]. -Senior Researcher ██████\\
Addendum: When cleaning up 914, a clock was found at the output booth. The hour hand always points at Dr. Veritas, the minute hand always points at Dr. Cleveland, and the second hand always points at Maintenance Technician Johnson. The clock would also constantly rotate such that the "V" marking always point towards the entity resembling Grizzly [=MkV=]. Security footage has shown that the entity used 914 at the "Very Fine" setting in an attempt to alter the automatic pistol.''
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Experiment Logs 0400-0499]]
* Archivist Morgan's request for 914 to stop making weird s*** is not appreciated.
-->'''Input:''' One handwritten note reading "Please stop producing anomalous items."\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' One paper with a [[BigNo big "NO"]] written in the center that was floating in the air, spinning, and playing "Yakety Sax" from no apparent source\\
''Note: [[NoJustNoReaction …No. Nope. I've had it.]] [[RageQuit I'm done. No more. I quit!]] [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Where's the medical bay, I'll take whatever amnestics I need to to get out of here!]] - Archivist Morgan\\
Note: To site security: I would like to report that there is [[FreakOut a mental breakdown in progress]] in the general area of the 914 testing area. His name is Archivist Morgan and he's heading for the medical bay in order to amnesicize himself. Please stop him, I don't trust his ability to regulate himself in his current state. He is identifiable by being the guy running through the hallways screaming "[[ScrewThisImOuttaHere I quit]]" at the top of his lungs. Thank you. - Archivist Hansen\\
[[AndAnotherThing Note:]] I've seen 914 archivists [[HeroicBSOD melt down]] before, but this is the most entertaining one I've seen yet. Usually they just start crying on their desks, which is kinda underwhelming. - Archivist Hansen''
* ButtMonkey or not[[note]]the researcher conducting this experiment, Researcher Calloway, is one of SCP-914's frequent disaster magnets[[/note]], there was simply no way for ''this'' experiment to end well...
-->'''Input:''' 1 vial of aerosol amnestic solution.\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' A colorless, odorless gas. Detection methods proved unable to detect the gas, so the chamber was declared empty, and several researchers, including Calloway, were affected. The gas proved to be anomalous, with the effect of making all subjects who inhale it speak and write backwards for an unknown length of time.\\
''Note: .sruoh flah a dna eerht rof siht ekil kcuts neeb ev'I ,em pleh enoemoS [[labelnote:Translation]]Someone help me, I've been stuck like this for three and a half hours.[[/labelnote]] -Researcher Calloway\\
Note: We're going to let him sit this one out for the duration of the effect [[WhatWereYouThinking to allow him to ponder the question]]: [[TooDumbToLive Is testing of mind-affecting substances through unpredictable anomalous objects a good idea?]] No one tell him the answer; he'll have to come up with it on his own. - Dr. Veritas.''
* '''The very next test''' makes the same mistake:
-->'''Name:''' Dr. Tsubasa\\
'''Date:''' 21/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One vial of Y-909.

-->'''Input:''' See above.\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' [REDACTED]. Object seems to emit a pulse of an unknown energy that renders all who view it to immediately revert to a vegetable-like state. Object was terminated by several members of the amnestics division.

-->''Note: Oh thank god I wasn't there to see it, I needed to take a [REDACTED]. -Dr. Tsubasa\\
Note: [[LampshadeHanging .sekatsim ym morf denrael evah dluohS]] [[labelnote:Translation]]Should have learned from my mistakes.[[/labelnote]] -Sr. Researcher Calloway''
* An attempt to [[{{Defictionalization}} defictionalize]] [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 Bonk! Atomic Punch]] goes exactly how you'd expect.
-->'''Name:''' Dr. Artium\\
'''Date:''' 20/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One copy of the game "Team Fortress 2", One "Scout Picture", One aluminum can filled with drink mix\\
''With multiple video game-related tests conducted with 914, I thought that I would test results with this game due to the high number of random objects that appear in the game, this may help determine what 914 would determine as worthy of "fine" and "very fine". -Artium''

-->'''Input:''' All of the above items\\
'''Setting:''' very fine\\
'''Output:''' One full can of "Bonk Atomic Punch". D-Class personnel performed a test to review if it had the same effect as in-game ''Atomic Punch''. After a single sip, D-41241-WA immediately grabbed their chest in pain and collapsed. On conduction of an autopsy, medical staff confirmed the cause of death to be a heart attack, along with toxic amounts of plastic and wood pulp forming in the stomach and liver, presumably the remains of the game and the picture.\\
''Note: It appears that the drink's total amount of sugar [[RealityEnsues conformed to reality]], so instead of [[SuperSpeed making a person able to move impossible speeds]], their heart rate elevated impossible speeds. -Artium.\\
Why are you letting '''UNRESTRAINED''' D-Class test this in the first place? They could escape if the effect had been to speed them up rather than blow their hearts with sugar? - Researcher [[PunnyName Al Catraz]]''
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Researcher Darby]]
As previously stated, Researcher Isaac Darby has a ''lot'' of crazy mishaps with SCP-914; so many, in fact, that they need their own folder.
* The best candidate for Darby's "Moron Event Horizon" is probably his "dihydrogen monoxide" test:
-->'''Test 914-0433'''\\
'''Name:''' Researcher Darby\\
'''Date:''' 20/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One 2-Liter Tub of water (Labeled Di-Hydrogen Monoxide), One pamphlet describing the dangers of Di-hydrogen Monoxide;\\
''This test is to see if SCP-914 can fall for the same "Tricks" as we can''

-->'''Input:''' One Di-Hydrogen Monoxide Pamphlet\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' One Pamphlet describing the dangers of Pollution\\
''The Framework has been set, now to see what it does to "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide"''

-->''The Bucket of water was carried in a sealed container by four men in haz-mat suits as if it was an incredibly dangerous liquid''\\
'''Input:''' One 2-Liter Tub of "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide"\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' One 2-Liter Tub of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide\\
''[[TemptingFate It did nothing?]] I was expecting it to super heat it or destroy it in some way, well, better deal with this water and dispose of it properly - Researcher Darby''

-->'''''[[EpicFail Site-19 has been put into Quarantine]] until the "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide" can be flushed out of the drainage system and affected areas. SCP-914 apparently turned the bucket of water into a bucket of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide, this change was only detected when Researcher Darby was put into the medical bay approximately two hours after drinking from the bucket. All reported claims of Di-Hydrogen monoxide as stated by the pamphlet are revealed to be the case as reported by medical staffs examination of the researcher.'''''\\
''Note: Please, please, test everything that comes out of 914 if it looks unchanged. This was quite annoying to deal with… - Dr. Range - Site 19 Medical Department\\
Note: [[WhatAnIdiot He actually drank from the ██████ bucket?]] I'm signing a disclaimer right now, not to be the one responsible for cleaning up his corpse when [[TooDumbToLive the idiot inevitably gets himself killed]]. - Dr. Veritas''
* Testing with data storage devices ends terribly for Darby:
-->'''Test 914-0450'''\\
'''Name:''' Researcher Darby\\
'''Date:''' 28/02/2019\\
'''Total Items:''' One Calendar for the year 2019, Map of the world circa 2019, [[strike:One Set of Handcuffs,]] One copy of the Voyager II disk, One 2 Terabyte Hard-drive

-->'''Input:''' One Calendar circa 2019\\
'''Setting:''' 1:1\\
'''Output:''' One Calendar circa 9102\\
''Well, now we know the day [[WorldWarIII WW3]] started, there's a memorial for it on [REDACTED]''

-->'''Input:''' Map of the world circa 2019\\
'''Setting:''' Fine\\
'''Output:''' [[ApocalypseHow Paper mache Nuclear mushroom]]\\
''[[{{Understatement}} That's worrying.]]''

->'''Input:''' Voyager II disk copy\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\
'''Output:''' [[strike:Unchanged]] '''Unknown'''\\
''Staff have no memory of taking disk out of output booth, but it cannot be found and several researchers are reporting symptoms similar to amnesiac victims.''

-->'''Input:''' One 2 Terabyte hard drive\\
'''Setting:''' Very Fine\\

[[folder:Testing Logs 0100-0199]]

[[folder:Testing Logs 0200-0299]]

* Fun with personnel files.

'''Total Items:''' Several Personnel Files, 5 200 g iron cubes

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. S. Pider, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Maintenance Technician Johnston, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Veritas, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Day, 200 g iron cube\\

-->'''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Anton, 200 g iron cube\\

* The restrictions on biological testing are in place for a ''reason''.

'''Total Items:''' Five 8GB SanDisk 8GB Cruzer Blade USB 3.0 memory sticks, each containing a single FAT32 partition with the file ''monika.chr'' from the 2017 parody horror visual novel "VisualNovel/DokiDokiLiteratureClub", developed by Team Salvato.

'''Output:''' Memory stick disassembled into its separate components. FAT32 partition has been corrupted.

'''Output:''' One Kingston DataTraveler G4 USB 3.0 8GB flash drive containing a single ExFAT partition with one file on it; analysis reveals to be all of the dialogue, in-game sprites and compilation of fan art of character "Sans" from "VideoGame/{{Undertale}}", a game created by Creator/TobyFox in 2015.

* [[SchmuckBait It's not long]] [[HereWeGoAgain before Researcher Murray's mistakes are repeated]]:

'''Total Items:''' Two 4GB SanDisk 4GB Cruzer Blade USB 3.0 memory sticks, each containing a single NTFS partition of the .apk file of the 2.0223_274 version of ''VideoGame/GirlsFrontline''; one X-Sponge; one 1:10 model of the ''Girls Frontline'' character Grizzly MkV

-->'''Input:''' One USB and one model of Grizzly MkV\\

'''Output:''' An entity resembling the Girls Frontline character Grizzly MkV, as well as a fully loaded Kel-Tec PMR-30 automatic pistol. Initially disoriented, the entity grabbed the pistol and shot Junior Researcher Altdamm six times in his abdomen and chest, before surrendering itself to Foundation authorities. Junior Researcher Altdamm himself died of blood loss.

Addendum: When cleaning up 914, a clock was found at the output booth. The hour hand always points at Dr. Veritas, the minute hand always points at Dr. Cleveland, and the second hand always points at Maintenance Technician Johnson. The clock would also constantly rotate such that the "V" marking always point towards the entity resembling Grizzly MkV. Security footage has shown that the entity used 914 at the "Very Fine" setting in an attempt to alter the automatic pistol.''

* Archivist Morgan's request for 914 to stop making weird s*** is not appreciated.

* [[TooDumbToLive Researcher Isaac Darby]] generates a new CMOF (and [[AmusingInjuries a new grievous injury]] and [[DeathAsComedy dead D-Class]]) every time he shows up. [[note]][[EscalatingPunchline Eventually.]] His first several appearances are far more mundane.[[/note]] There's also Dr. Nukea and his bizarre obsession with ''[[Film/SeventeenAgain 17 Again]]'' (which SCP-914 quickly gets sick of dealing with).

--->"[[ParanoiaGambit Paranoia test concluded.]]"

[[folder:Testing Logs 010-019]]

[[folder:Testing Logs 020-029]]

Note 5: Dr. Mason [[HeroicBSOD has been placed on psychological leave due to apparent stress]]. Junior Researcher Chen has taken over. Analysis of the object paths taken will continue. - O5 Command''
* Dr. Hertz put in a CD of his own self-recorded guitar music set to Very Fine. The machine returned a CD with silent tracks and copies of books for beginner's singing, songwriting, and guitar playing. [[DisproportionateRetribution Hertz had to be dragged out when he attacked the machine]].

-->''"[[MostAnnoyingSound This thing will not stop talking about its "grand scientific achievements" to everyone it meets.]] Request to gain as much information as possible about its existence and smash it with a sledgehammer?" - Researcher Blais''\\

''Note: [[SarcasmMode Sure Blais, of course I'm going to let you keep an anomalous object for your personal gain. I stored it in the anomalous item wing for study. Don't ask where, I'm not telling you.]] - Dr. Veritas''

* SCP-914 does ''[[OhCrap not]]'' want to make ''any'' contact with SCP-882.

-->''Note: I think I need to re-iterate. Feel free to test at your own discretion but for Christ sake use common sense. [[TranquilFury I swear, when I find Wood I'm going to [REDACTED].]] Dr. Smith.''\\

'''Total Items:''' [[ProfessorGuineaPig Junior Researcher Summers]]

-->''Note: Found out what the last dial did. It responds to minor changes in the orbital trajectory of Mercury. [[{{Pun}} Mercury, like what we used in traditional thermometers. Hilarious.]] After four years of working with the damned thing, [[{{Troll}} it's still taunting me]]. Carry on, people. The next person that takes out a part of the machine [[FedToTheBeast gets fed to the first thing with large teeth I can find]]. - Veritas.''\\

''[[TemptingFate Yes! we're getting somewhere. No way this drawing could form the Foundation logo.]] - Dr. Devant''

'''Notes:''' The candle was lit. The paper had random scribbles all over. When all five outputs on the papers were overlaid [[WhamShot it produced a sketch of ████████ ████████████ (now deceased), a helicopter pilot and former high school romantic interest of Dr. Devant]]. Dr. Devant [[DespairEventHorizon has been placed in the psych ward]] after [[InelegantBlubbering excessive sobbing]] and [[DrivenToSuicide showing of suicidal tendencies.]]

'''Output:''' One Improved Tracking Device. Upon the Output booth opening, [[GoneHorriblyRight it attached itself to the booth wall and made a loud blaring noise]]. The object was unable to be removed from the wall of the booth. Attempts to destroy the object without causing damage to SCP-914 resulted in failures. Despite not being able to remove it, the tracker could be slid along the walls. The object was then slid out of the Output booth, across SCP-914 and into the Intake booth.

--->"[[ParanoiaGambit Paranoia]] [[{{Troll}} test]] [[AntiClimax concluded.]]"

Note 5: Dr. Mason [[HeroicBSOD has been placed on psychological leave]] [[RageQuit due to apparent stress]]. Junior Researcher Chen has taken over. Analysis of the object paths taken will continue. - O5 Command''
* Dr. Hertz put in a CD of his own self-recorded guitar music set to Very Fine. The machine returned a CD with silent tracks and copies of books for beginner's singing, songwriting, and guitar playing. [[DreadfulMusician Hertz]] [[CantTakeCriticism had to be dragged out]] [[DisproportionateRetribution when he attacked the machine]].

-->''"[[MostAnnoyingSound This thing will not stop talking]] [[KnowNothingKnowItAll about its "grand scientific achievements"]] [[TheThingThatWouldNotLeave to everyone it meets.]] Request to gain as much information as possible about its existence and smash it with a sledgehammer?" - Researcher Blais''\\

''Note: [[SarcasmMode Sure Blais, of course I'm going to let you keep an anomalous object for your personal gain.]] [[HaHaHaNo I stored it in the anomalous item wing for study. Don't ask where, I'm not telling you.]] - Dr. Veritas''

-->''Note: I think I need to re-iterate. Feel free to test at your own discretion but for Christ sake use common sense. [[TranquilFury I swear, when I find Wood]] [[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon I'm going to [REDACTED].]] Dr. Smith.''\\

'''Total Items:''' [[strike:1 plastic hair clip]] [[ProfessorGuineaPig Junior Researcher Summers]]

-->''Note: Found out what the last dial did. It responds to minor changes in the orbital trajectory of Mercury. [[{{Pun}} Mercury, like what we used in traditional thermometers.]] [[LamePunReaction Hilarious.]] After four years of working with the damned thing, [[{{Troll}} it's still taunting me]]. Carry on, people. The next person that takes out a part of the machine [[FedToTheBeast gets fed to the first thing with large teeth I can find]]. - Veritas.''\\

''[[TemptingFate Yes! we're getting somewhere.]] [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong No way this drawing could form the Foundation logo.]] - Dr. Devant''

'''Notes:''' The candle was lit. The paper had random scribbles all over. When all five outputs on the papers were overlaid [[WhamShot it produced a sketch of]] [[TheLostLenore ████████ ████████████ (now deceased), a helicopter pilot and former high school romantic interest of Dr. Devant]]. Dr. Devant [[DespairEventHorizon has been placed in the psych ward]] after [[InelegantBlubbering excessive sobbing]] and [[DrivenToSuicide showing of suicidal tendencies.]]

'''Output:''' One Improved Tracking Device. Upon the Output booth opening, [[GoneHorriblyRight it attached itself to the booth wall and]] [[SensoryAbuse made a loud blaring noise]]. The object was unable to be removed from the wall of the booth. Attempts to destroy the object without causing damage to SCP-914 resulted in failures. Despite not being able to remove it, the tracker could be slid along the walls. The object was then slid out of the Output booth, across SCP-914 and into the Intake booth.

* [[TooDumbToLive Researcher Isaac Darby]] generates a new CMOF (and [[AmusingInjuries a new grievous injury]] and [[DeathAsComedy dead D-Class]]) every time he shows up. [[note]]Eventually. His first several appearances are far more mundane.[[/note]] There's also Dr. Nukea and his bizarre obsession with ''[[Film/SeventeenAgain 17 Again]]'' (which SCP-914 quickly gets sick of dealing with).

'''Output''': One ball, that appears unchanged from the input. There is however, a difference in its [REDACTED] properties, exhibited when dropped by Dr Brown. [REDACTED] forty five casualties, twelve injuries [DATA EXPUNGED] forty-five casualties, and reached escape velocity. Currently thought to be orbiting Mars.

-->''Note: Found out what the last dial did. It responds to minor changes in the orbital trajectory of Mercury. [[{{Pun}} Mercury, like what we used in traditional thermometers.]] [[LamePunReaction Hilarious.]] After four years of working with the damned thing, [[{{Troll}} it's still taunting me]]. Carry on, people. The next person that takes out a part of the machine gets fed to the first thing with large teeth I can find. - Veritas.''\\

''I hope to find answers where Dr. Mason only found SCP-914 [[{{Troll}} messing with him.]] - Dr. Devant''\\

'''Total Items:''' 5 Thaumatologicaly crafted letters (acting as a tracking beacons) in envelopes that will remotely write the path taken on an associated paper sheet outside of SCP-914. These letters are also sealed close with special trigger symbols in sealing wax that, when traversing boundaries of realities or alternate universes, will trigger the associated wax candles outside of SCP-914 to light themselves.

* [[TooDumbToLive Researcher Isaac Darby]] generates a new CMOF (and [[AmusingInjuries a new grievous injury]] and [[DeathAsComedy dead D-Class]]) every time he shows up. [[note]]Eventually. His first several appearances are far more mundane.[[/note]] There's also Dr. Nukea and his bizarre obsession with ''[[Film/SeventeenAgain 17 Again]]'' (which SCP-914 quickly gets sick of dealing with).
* As the logs go on, SPC-914 takes a liking to some researchers and a disliking to others, and there starts to be a level of consistency to what each researcher gets.
** This reaches a head when Professor Wren (one of the researchers that SCP-914 ''likes'') keeps getting outputs that are related to the number 19, causing everyone to suspect that something big (and probably bad) will happen on her 19th test. The actual result of her 19th test?
--->"[[ParanoiaGambit Paranoia]] [[{{Troll}} test]] [[AntiClimax concluded.]]"

'''Output:''' A metallic figure, [[VideoGame/{{Minecraft}} green in color and vaguely phallic]]. The object self-destructed upon being removed from SCP-914, in a manner comparable to a commercial firework. The remains have shown no anomalous properties.\\
''Note: Well, that was anticlimactic. - Dr. Manheim''

'''Output:''' [[AdolfHitlarious An animate 45-centimeter tall origami caricature of Adolf Hitler.]] Object does not appear to be sapient, [[BoisterousWeakling but is able to vocalize a non-stop stream of threats and boasts]]. Voice confirmed to be that of the original Adolf Hitler. Object also noted to often clumsily fall over or bump into walls while goose-stepping about. Object is harmless, and mildly regenerative (the origami will refold if disrupted), and can be kicked by researchers as a form of stress management at their discretion.

''Note: [[SarcasmMode Sure Blais, of course I'm going to let you keep an anomalous object for your personal gain.]] I stored it in the anomalous item wing for study. Don't ask where, I'm not telling you. - Dr. Veritas''

-->''Note: [="=]I gave this a try, and [[YouAreAlreadyDead ended up seeing SCP-096's face]] after rolling a 1 on stealth. If you don't hear from me within 5 minutes, [[BetterToDieThanBeKilled I've blown my brains out]].[="=] -Researcher Jacobson''
-->''Note: [="=]Researcher Jacobson was later found dead in the anomalous item storage wing. Access to [='=]Fear in the Foundation[='=] now requires supervision of at least one armed member of site security in case of visual hazards.[="=] —O5-6''

-->''Note: I think I need to re-iterate. Feel free to test at your own discretion but for Christ sake use common sense. I swear, when I find Wood [[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon I'm going to [REDACTED]]]. Dr. Smith.''\\
''Note: Due to his failure to follow basic guidelines, as well as [[TooDumbToLive to preserve his own safety]], Researcher Wood has been transferred off-site.''
* SCP-914 is not a beautician.

'''Total Items:''' [[strike:1 plastic hair clip]] Junior Researcher Summers

'''Notes:''' The candle was lit. The paper had random scribbles all over. When all five outputs on the papers were overlaid [[WhamShot it produced a sketch of]] [[TheLostLenore ████████ ████████████ (now deceased), a helicopter pilot and former high school romantic interest of Dr. Devant]]. Dr. Devant [[HeroicBSOD has been placed in the psych ward]] after [[InelegantBlubbering excessive sobbing]] and [[DrivenToSuicide showing of suicidal tendencies.]]

* [[TooDumbToLive Researcher Isaac Darby]] generates a new CMOF (and [[AmusingInjuries a new grievous injury]] and [[DeathAsComedy dead D-Class]]) every time he shows up. There's also Dr. Nukea and his bizarre obsession with ''[[Film/SeventeenAgain 17 Again]]'' (which SCP-914 quickly gets sick of dealing with).

'''Input:''' 1 broken pen\\

''Note: This is great! Now I don't have to write! Hey, Dayman, you can't use that, we don't know what properties it has.\\

-->''Notice: In an effort to preserve SCP-914's structural integrity, and for the sake of Dr. Veritas' blood pressure, I strongly caution against personnel using its own parts in testing. Thank you.\\ - Dr. Gears.''

'''Output:''' One Improved Tracking Device. When loaded with batteries and pointed at an SCP it will emit a beeping noise that will speed up with proximity. The batteries go flat after five minutes of operation.

-->'''Input:''' One Improved Tracking Device, Three AA Batteries\

''Note: Now every pay raise or promotion I could ever possibly receive is going to be treated as a possible containment breach. Great. - Maintenance Technician Johnson\\

* [[TooDumbToLive Researcher Darby]] generates a new CMOF (and [[AmusingInjuries a new grievous injury]] and [[DeathAsComedy dead D-Class]]) every time he shows up. There's also Dr. Nukea and his bizarre obsession with ''[[Film/SeventeenAgain 17 Again]]'' (which SCP-914 quickly gets sick of dealing with).

Note 4: [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. I thought it would make sense for ONCE. But no, it had to be messing with us again. One of my interns - sorry, Junior Researchers - found out that, if you superimpose all the paths from the tracker, you get a 3D image of the Foundation logo. It's pretty for art drawn in GPS, but it still makes this whole project meaningless. Piece of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] doesn't follow set paths. [[{{Troll}} It does whatever it wants.]] - Dr. Mason\\

'''Output:''' A book titled 'How to Make Friends, Influence People, and then Murder Them,' subtitled 'How to be a Dickhead for Dummies.' Text mostly consists of hyperbolic German profanity.

-->Note: ''Prof. Snider is currently facing disciplinary action due to violation of biological safety protocol. The next one I catch is losing their clearance indefinitely.'' - Dr. Veritas.

'''Output:''' A sheet of paper promoting the non-existent tabletop roleplaying game Fear in the Foundation, 1st Edition. The paper repeatedly makes claims about the fun factor of the game but gives little information as to its actual content. Upon reading the entirety of the paper, subjects undergo an out-of-body experience in which they perceive themselves to exist in the game world. Based on subject’s reports, elements of the game are taken from several different tabletop roleplaying games. The game is also noted to contain several Foundation and SCP-related characters, items, and locations. Subjects will exit this state upon either dying in the game, or defeating the final villain.\\
''Note: "I gave this a try, and [[YouAreAlreadyDead ended up seeing SCP-096's face]] after rolling a 1 on stealth. If you don't hear from me within 5 minutes, [[BetterToDieThanBeKilled I've blown my brains out]]." -Researcher Jacobson\\
''Note: "Researcher Jacobson was later found dead in the anomalous item storage wing. Access to 'Fear in the Foundation' now requires supervision of at least one armed member of site security in case of visual hazards." —O5-6''

''Notice: In an effort to preserve SCP-914's structural integrity, and for the sake of Dr. Veritas' blood pressure, I strongly caution against personnel using its own parts in testing. Thank you.\\ - Dr. Gears.''

''Note: Due to his failure to follow basic guidelines, as well as to preserve his own safety, Researcher Wood has been transferred off-site.''

'''Name:''' Dr. Devant. Thaumatology researcher.\\

-->'''Name:''' Researcher Blais
'''Date:''' 05/05/2018

-->'''Input:''' One pair of sunglasses.
'''Setting:''' Rough.

* SCP-914 does ''not'' want to make ''any'' contact with SCP-882.

'''Output:''' One A4 sheet of paper, [[RapidFireNo printed with the word "NO" in 83 different languages]], [[NoJustNoReaction taking up approximately one-half of the page]]. The rest of the page was occupied by angular pictograms arranged seemingly at random, which were reported as producing "a feeling of trepidation and discomfort". Subsequent investigation revealed these symbols to be a minor cognitohazard, and the sheet of paper was put into containment.

* A little bit of Fridge Humour: If you put a copy of ''VideoGame/ETTheExtraterrestrial'' in 914, and set it to Fine, it returns a boxed copy. As in, [[TakeThat it's better as a collector's item or shelf decoration than as a game]].

Note 5: Dr. Mason has been placed on psychological leave [[HeroicBSOD due to apparent stress]]. Junior Researcher Chen has taken over. Analysis of the object paths taken will continue. - O5 Command''

'''Output:''' A metallic figure, [[VideoGame/{{Minecraft}} green in color and vaguely phallic]]. The object self-destructed upon being removed from SCP-914, in a manner comparable to a commercial firework. The remains have shown no anomalous properties.

-->''Note: Well, that was anticlimactic. - Dr. Manheim''

-->Name: Researcher M. Inselmann\\
Date: 04/12/2018\\
Total Items: Three copies of 'Mein Kampf,' by Adolf Hitler. Text in the original German.

'''Input:''' One (1) tracking beacon\\

'''Input:''' One (1) tracking beacon\\

'''Input:''' One (1) tracking beacon\\

--->"Yes, I've been playing chess with 914. Yes, I'm aware it's supposed to be non-sentient, but that hardly explains why it's winning." [[note]]The observant chess players among you might notice that 914's opening two moves is a clear attempt to play a Scholar's Mate.[[/note]]

--->'''Input''': 1x IRS Form 1040 (blank)\\

--->An anachronistic IRS Form "MXL"[[note]]1040 in Roman numerals[[/note]] filled out by [[UsefulNotes/{{Caligula}} Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus]].

--->'''Input:''' One (1) print of [''Les trahison des images'' by René Marguite]\\

--->'''Input:''' One (1) of the above-mentioned "stress balls"\\

--->'''Items Used''': One (1) block of concrete, 12x one (1) foot lengths of steel rebar, One (1) can of Krylon brand spray paint, One (1) picture of SCP-173\\

--->'''Name:''' Dr. ██████\\

--->'''Input:''' A sheet of 8.5x11in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████\\

--->'''Input:''' A sheet of 8.5x11in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████\\

--->'''Input:''' A sheet of 8.5x11in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████\\

--->'''Input''': 1 (one) ██████ brand 'Super-Duper Bouncy Ball'\\

--->''Name'': Agent Smithers\\

--->'''Input''': An unsolved crossword puzzle\\

--->'''Input''': One pound of █████ brand bacon. Fully cooked. One photograph of SCP-682.\\

--->'''Input:''' One (1) wheel (green)\\

--->''Note 1: And they say you can't reinvent the wheel. - Dr. Collins''\\

** Dr. Xerial attempted to see what 914 would do with various pictures of SCP objects. The final test:

* [[TooDumbToLive Researcher Darby]] generates a new CMOF (and a new grievous injury and dead D-Class) every time he shows up. There's also Dr. Nukea and his bizarre obsession with [[Film/SeventeenAgain 17 Again]] (which SCP-914 quickly gets sick of dealing with).

* [[TooDumbToLive Researcher Darby]] generates a new CMOF every time he shows up. There's also Dr. Nukea and his bizarre obsession with Film/{{17 Again}}.

--->'''Input:''' One (1) of the above-mentioned "stress balls"//

''Note: I'm guessing it took the idea of a "stress" ball very literally. Ouch. - Dr. Hadian''

''Note 2: Following the collision of a Class-D personnel with Dr. ████ at ██ mph, [[WhyWeCantHaveNiceThings all human testing has been suspended until Dr. ████ can come up with a procedure that isn't idiotic]].''

-->''Note 2: Xerial's remains (what was left) have been disposed of. Someone write up the cause of death as "[[TooDumbToLive natural selection]]". - Dr. Veritas''
* [[TooDumbToLive Researcher Darby]] generates a new CMOF every time he shows up. There's also Dr. Nukea and his bizarre obsession with Film/17Again.

'''Setting:''' Fine//
'''Output:''' [[strike:An unaltered stress ball.]] A stress ball that, at random intervals between a minute and five minutes in length, hurls itself at the face of the person in closest proximity to it. If the face is covered or otherwise protected, it will alternatively aim for the stomach [[GroinAttack or crotch]]. Object secured and destroyed.//

'''Output''': Thirty (30) miniature replicas of SCP-173, all animate and extremely [[strike:cute]] hostile[[note]]But cannot harm anyone because they are too small.[[/note]]. They cannot move within direct line of sight. Objects are reported to attack by bumping into the legs of personnel and are extremely resistant to being moved.

*

* An anachronistic IRS Form "MXL"[[note]]1040 in Roman numerals[[/note]] filled out by [[UsefulNotes/{{Caligula}} Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus]].
*

'''Output''': One miniature replica of SCP-682, approximately five inches tall at the shoulder, made entirely out of cooked █████ brand bacon. Entity is fully animate and extremely hostile toward all life forms. It escaped containment, attempting to kill all staff present. It was unable to inflict any damage due to its small size and the materials used in its composition. Entity made a “sizzling” sound as it moved that several staff described as “pleasing to the ears.” Classification of entity as SCP-682-BAC denied.\\

* After a speaker turns into something that loudly (300db, more than enough to deafen people!) blasts whatever the person has in mind:

* Dr. Hertz put in a CD of his own self-recorded guitar music set to Very Fine. The machine returned a CD with silent tracks and copies of books for beginner's singing, songwriting, and guitar playing. Hertz had to be dragged out when he attacked the machine.

-->''Note 2: Xerial's remains (what was left) have been disposed of. Someone write up the cause of death as "natural selection". - Dr. Veritas''

* As the logs go on, SPC-914 takes a liking to some researchers and a disliking to others.

*