History Funny / JeffDunham

'''Achmed:''' [[{{Pun}{ IKEA'll you]]!

'''Achmed:''' IKEA'll you!

-->'''Peanut:''' Hold on, I think I know what he means! I think he means (leans in close and yells into the mike) ''he wants to leave the show''. (turns to audience) José would have said that in Spanish, but out of all three of us, only José knows that language. I am not kidding! José can speak Spanish that Jeff cannot! It's the weirdest fucking thing!\\

'''José:''' ''[hums ''Series/TheTwilightZone'' theme]''\\

-->'''Walter:''' It's like [[Literature/TheThreeLittlePigs the fourth little pig that no-one talks about]]. "This little pig built his house out of bricks, this one out of sticks, and this one out of straw, but the fourth little pig built his house out of poo-poo!" Yeah, Disney never told you about him. And TheBigBadWolf said, "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll— Oh my god! I got shit in my nose!"

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWi6rcOZUAg "Achmedina"'s interview with "Wonald Grump".]] Moreso in the last bit where she raises her legs to convince Wonald to grant him the first interview if she becomes president.

''To minding the monsters with Jeff [[ItIsPronouncedTroPay Dun-Ham]]!''\\

'''Walter''': (''a follow-up burn regarding Green Bay, specifically their NFL team this time'') Lambeau Field, NO ROOF! Helloooooooooooooooo! How many weekends during football season is good weather in Green Bay? That would be, NOOOOOOOOONE! Note to self: build a frickin' roof! ''We have the technology''. You talk to the locals in Green Bay, what do they say? (''mimics shivering'') "We love it here! We're a hardy people!" A bunch of frozen dumbasses is what you are.\\

'''Achmed:''' It's the Achmedmobile, you idiot! Just be careful parking it, or I KEEL YOU!\\
''(he arrogantly tosses the keys through the air; it hits Bubba J on the head, before falling on the ground)''\\

'''Walter:''' Maybe he drowned trying to visit Bin Laden's grave.

'''Walter''': (''about Phoenix'') August in Phoenix, Arizona. Your agent is a ''moron''. It was 112 ''three days in a row!'' But what do all the locals say? "But it's a ''dry'' heat!" Screw you! A bonfire's a dry heat! You don't see my stickin' my ass in one of those, do you? "Your ass is on fire!" It's a ''dry'' heat! [[BrickJoke I was in Florida - gotta burn off the frickin' moss!]]

*** He also didn't like the timing of two other trips, to Green Bay and Phoenix (in February and August respectively).

'''Walter''': (''a follow-up burn regarding Green Bay, specifically their NFL team this time'') Lambeau Field, NO ROOF! Helloooooooooooooooo! How many weekends during football season is good weather in Green Bay? That would be NOOOOOOOOONE! Note to self: build a frickin' roof! ''We have the technology''.\\

--->'''Walter''': (''about Green Bay in February'') It was negative-20 with a negative-30 wind chill. I get on stage every night and I'd say, "You people are ''idiots''. Did you know the borders are open? Pack up your suburban and get the hell out!\\

-->'''Walter:''' Well, my mother always told me, "When you're in a jam and don't know what to do, you should think 'What would Jesus do?'\\

** Walter also doesn't like the weather in Ft. Lauderdale, as it was so hot and humid, he swears he grew moss on his butt. And there was also the change in weather while he was on a beach.
--->'''Walter''': I looked over and go, "Oh, look, a little cloud." 'Bout three minutes later... WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! HOLY CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! The locals are hangin' onto the palm trees - "WE LOVE IT HERE!"

--->'''Walter''': (''about Green Bay in February'') It was negative-20 with a negative-30 wind chill.\\
'''Walter''': (''a follow-up burn regarding Green Bay, specifically their NFL team this time'') Lambeau Field, NO ROOF! Helloooooooooooooooo? How many weekends during football season is good weather in Green Bay? That would be NOOOOOOOOONE! Note to self, build a frickin' roof. ''We have the technology''.\\
'''Walter''': (''about Phoenix'') August in Phoenix, Arizona. Your agent is a ''moron''. It was 112 ''three days in a row!''

--->'''Walter''': Well, at least with Florida and hurricanes, you got a little notice. Turn on the news, "You have three days to get the hell out!" Well, in LA, we got earthquakes. We don't know ''jack''. One morning you could be sittin' on the toilet and suddenly AHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH! There's crap flying around the house - AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAH! WE LOVE IT HERE!

--->'''Bill (a golden retriever) and the first two dogs after him''': Ooh, i'm not supposed to crap ''here''!\\
'''the chihuahua''': Ooh, i'm not supposed to crap ''ever''!\\

* A third question was from someone named Nick... ''who happened to be the "framing and dry-walling guy" he had been talking to earlier on.'' His response throws a jab at Mike, whose departure to the bathroom had started the conversation in the first place.

* Peanut's idea of how a business analyst does their job.

* A random guy from the crowd gets up to take a bathroom break. Walter decides that he's not getting away with that and shuts the show down to wait for him.

** Walter also doesn't like the weather in Ft. Lauderdale, as it was so hot and humid he swears he grew moss on his butt. And there was also the change in weather while he was on a beach.
--->'''Walter''': I looked over and go, "oh, look, a little cloud." 'Bout three minutes later... WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! HOLY CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! The locals are hangin' onto the palm trees - WE LOVE IT HERE!

--->'''Walter''': Well, at least with Florida and hurricanes you got a little notice. Turn on the news, "You have three days to get the hell out!" Well, in LA, we got earthquakes. We don't know ''jack''. One morning you could be sittin' on the toilet and suddenly AHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH! There's crap flying around the house - AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAH! WE LOVE IT HERE!

* One of the few instances where Dunham doesn't use his puppets—relating the story of the [[MisterMuffykins small dog]] his wife and daughter recently adopted. [[https://youtu.be/jXPcMK56Rt4 The dog was quite dumb]], with the particular incident cited being carrying a stick longer than its body in its mouth ''lengthwise''. While running and carrying the stick like this, the dog angled its face toward the ground and wound up pole-vaulting. While his wife and daughter rushed to help, Dunham was laughing his ass off.

-->'''Walter:''' It's like [[Literature/ThreeLittlePigs the fourth little pig that no one talks about]]. "This little pig built his house out of bricks, this one out of sticks, and this one out of straw, but the fourth little pig built his house out of poo-poo!" Yeah, Disney never told you about him. And TheBigBadWolf said, "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll— Oh my god! I got shit in my nose!"

* Walter goes on and on about how houses in Africa are made out of poo (cow dung, granted, but still...). It's a literal example of GettingCrapPastTheRadar.

* One of the few instances where Dunham doesn't use his puppets—relating the story of the [[MisterMuffykins small dog]] his wife and daughter recently adopted. The dog was quite dumb, with the particular incident cited being carrying a stick longer than its body in its mouth ''lengthwise''. While running and carrying the stick like this, the dog angled its face toward the ground and wound up pole-vaulting. While his wife and daughter rushed to help, Dunham was laughing his ass off.

-->'''José:''' And neither did your mother. ''(the audience goes wild)''

* One of the few instances where Dunham doesn't use his puppets--relating the story of the [[MisterMuffykins small dog]] his wife and daughter recently adopted. The dog was quite dumb, with the particular incident cited being carrying a stick longer than its body in its mouth ''lengthwise''. While running and carrying the stick like this, the dog angled its face toward the ground and wound up pole-vaulting. While his wife and daughter rushed to help, Dunham was laughing his ass off.

'''Achmed:''' Oh, I ''love'' Bu--oh, you mean the president! I'm sorry...

--> '''Jeff:''' "The stockings were hung by the chimney with care--"\\

-->'''Walter:''' It's like [[Literature/ThreeLittlePigs the fourth little pig that no one talks about]]. "This little pig built his house out of bricks, this one out of sticks, and this one out of straw, but the fourth little pig built his house out of poo-poo!" Yeah, Disney never told you about him. And TheBigBadWolf said, "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll-- Oh my god! I got shit in my nose!"

'''Achmed:''' That's my boy!

'''Walter:''' Hey, you're right -- ''you'' weren't there!

-->'''Achmed:''' Greetings, Abu Dhabi infid--I mean, ''folks!''

---> '''Achmed:''' It has been nice knowing you. ''[laughter]'' Kumbaya...

-->'''Edna:''' Hey! What's the big deal scarin' my fri-\\

''Peanut, Jos&eacute shall know their place''\\

-->'''Melvin:''' You know, I used to date Catwoman.\\

-->'''Jeff:''' Everywhere I go, half the audience gets the joke, the other half says "oh, well of course he can't do the same voice as Peanut".

* The special opens with a stormy night with a haunted house surrounded by a graveyard, whose tombstones are adorned with [[FreezeFrameBonus the names of some of Jeff's earlier puppets he no longer uses, including Morty (his first puppet) and Sweet Daddy D]]. Inside the house, A.J., Achmed's son, provides the opening dialogue:

''The moon shines fully as specters howl''\\

''Peanut, José shall know their place''\\

''[[EvilLaugh Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!]]''

'''Jeff:''' You don't look like either one of them.\\
'''Walter:''' Then I look like WesternAnimation/{{Gumby}} in a nursing home. How about that? ''(laughs)'' That makes you Pokey! Get it? You're an ass!

-->'''Walter:''' And if I'm depressed, I watch it backwards. ''(looks out at the audience)'' You get it? She walks away!

'''Jeff:''' And that is...\\

'''Peanut:''' But she's not that stupid, right?\\

-->'''Peanut:''' [José] works for ''you!'' Some of those laws pass and he's not legal, you're gonna get ''your'' ass thrown in jail! [[PrisonRape And trust me, you would not do well in prison.]]\\

''To minding the monsters with Jeff Dun-Ham!''\\