Walter is thinking of a second choice for a job: a greeter at Wal-Mart.
Jeff: What would be your opening line? Walter: "Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your shit and get out! (beat)Have a nice day!"
"They say that women age like fine wine." "...My wife's aging like milk."
Walter is asked questions sent in from the audience. One example:
Letter: "Why do I gag on my toothbrush but not when I'm performing oral sex on my boyfriend?" Walter: Well, obviously, the toothbrush is bigger.
And then there's this one:
Letter: "Dear Walter, time and time again, I have filled out this sheet six times. You never answer my question. What gives?" Walter: Let's just skip that one.
Peanut's idea of how a business analyst does their job.
Peanut: How the hell does that work? Do you go to a business and go, "Mm mm mm mm... you are a business."
Peanut relates a story about the show they did just before in DC. Five minutes into the show, Peanut notices a member of the audience in the front row, facing AWAY from the stage, and waving his hands in front of his face every time Peanut said anything.
Peanut: It was a signer. A SIGNER. Think about this for a second, they brought a bunch of deaf people to see the VENTRILOQUIST!
They follow this by explaining how they then proceeded to mess with the signer (and, by extension, the deaf people) leading Peanut to conclude, "We're going to Hell, aren't we?"
And when José is about to be put back in the box, this happens:
José: Do not drop me, señor. Jeff: I won't drop you. José: I would then be José Jalapeño on the Floor. Peanut: Do a little tap dance, and we got salsa! Jeff: That's terrible. Peanut:Not with the right kind of chips, it's not. Jeff: Stop it! I'm sorry, José. José: It's okay. I kick his ass later.
Even better are the Hilarious Outtakes from other tapings of the show, in which things go wrong and Jeff starts to improv in response to what's happened.
The first case was during Walter's part of the show. Walter's arms become uncrossed, requiring Jeff to stop the show to fix it, after which he completely forgets where he was. An audience member helpfully reminds him, and Walter lets him have it.
Walter: Excuse me. Do the tickets say "Jeff, his friends, and the drunken asshole in the back"? Methinks not! Shut the hell up. Bastard. 300 million sperm, that's the one that got through? [Jeff waves at Walter to get him to stop] Walter: Well, he pissed me off! I know where I am! Jeff: I don't. Walter: Holy crap. Jeff:[trying not to laugh] I have no idea. Your arms fell down. He was trying to help us out and now you pissed him off! Walter: Sorry. [beat] Jeff: ...Not a clue. Walter: Please sir. Could you tell us again where we were? [beat] Walter: You should never do crack before the show.
Later, while Peanut is recounting the story of how he messed with the signer (see above), his hair falls out. He offers to sell it to a bald man in the audience.
Spark of Insanity
The very first scene of the special, showing most of Jeff's puppets in bed with him and his first wife, Paige:
Walter:[in his sleep] Aw, these kids and their hipping and their hopping and... Pull up your damn pants, ya morons! Jeff:[in his sleep] Second Comedy Central special. It's gonna be great! ...No, Mommy, I don't wanna wear the pink bow! Peanut: He even does this in his sleep. What a freak! Paige:[annoyed] Would you idiots give it a rest? José:[to Paige] Would you like to see my steek? [Paige screams]
Walter making fun of Jeff owning a blue Prius. Apparently when it drives past, it goes "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm gay!"
Walter: And when it's idling, it goes "Homohomohomohomohomohomo."
One of the few instances where Dunham doesn't use his puppets—relating the story of the small dog his wife and daughter recently adopted. The dog was quite dumb, with the particular incident cited being carrying a stick longer than its body in its mouth lengthwise. While running and carrying the stick like this, the dog angled its face toward the ground and wound up pole-vaulting. While his wife and daughter rushed to help, Dunham was laughing his ass off.
Jeff: Then I thought, "Damn, if it had been going a just little bit faster, I'd have a new puppet: a chihuahua on a stick!"
A random guy from the crowd gets up to take a bathroom break. Walter decides that he's not getting away with that and shuts the show down to wait for him.
Walter on arguing with his wife:
Walter: My mom always told me that if I ever got into a bind, I should ask "What would Jesus do?" So I tried turning her into a fish. Begone, Satan! Hello, Shamu.
There's also the burning followup to that: "At least Shamu only has one blowhole."
Walter complains about them doing a show in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Why?
Walter: Everyone in Ft. Lauderdale looks exactly like me! Jeff: Well, I heard that Ft. Lauderdale is where they shoot their "Girls Gone Wild" videos. Walter: That's only during Spring Break. The rest of the year, it's "Girls Gone Saggy", then it's "Girls Gone Senile", and then it's just "Girls Gone".
Achmed spelling out his name, after Jeff was unable to pronounce it correctly (lacking the guttural quality of the "ch" sound):
Jeff: How do you spell your name?
Achmed: Oh, let's see, A...C...phlegm...
This line by Achmed (which, fittingly enough, is funny enough to close his act with Achmed). The awkward mid-sentence pause after his realization of what Jeff meant really makes the line work.
Jeff: What do you think of Bush?
Achmed: Oh, I love Bu—oh, you mean the president! I'm sorry...
Melvin on Catwoman:
Melvin: I dated Catwoman for some time, but I ended up with something I had to take medicine to get rid of. And boy, does it itch! AND NOW IT BURNS WHEN I FLY!
Immediately followed by him demonstrating his point by singing a strained "Da-da-da-daahh!" while tilting...and his plastic hairpiece falling off, to the delight of the audience.
Melvin:(realizing what happened) It's the terrorists, I tell ya!
Peanut's use of the "Jeff-fa-fa DunHAM dot com" gag in Spark of Insanity, after he asks Jeff "Am I pissing you off-fa-fa?"
Peanut: You know, the funny thing is I actually AM pissing him off. And he would like to kill me! But he will not kill me because that would be a form of suicide!
Peanut's ruthless and insensitive racism towards José over how the latter pronounces Jeff's first name:
Jeff: It's all the same!
Peanut: Didn't you watch Sesame Street?! "Jeff" is "Jeff", "Heff" is "Heff", and "(guttural sound)-eff" is "(guttural sound)-eff"! ♫ (to the tune of "One of These Things") One of these things just doesn't belong here! ♫
Peanut keeps bugging Jeff to make sure José is in fact legal, much to the irritation of Jeff, who asks Peanut why he is so concerned about it and why Jeff should be concerned about it.
Peanut: Ha! C'mere, puppet boy! Make your daddy talk!
Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special
Everything between Achmed, Jeff and Guitar Guy, with the latter trying not to laugh, and Jeff accidentally combining scoliosis and polio due to a slip of the tongue.
Achmed: What the fuck is poliosis?! "Help, I'm twisted and I can't get up!"
Funnily enough, "Poliosis" is an actual disease, though it obviously has nothing to do with scoliosis or polio.
The "Jingle Bombs" song.
Achmed: I used to be a man / But every time I cough / Thanks to Uncle Sam / My nuts keep falling off [music stops as Jeff and Guitar Guy stare at Achmed, and try to have a look for themselves] Achmed: Stop looking, you perverts!
The ending to the song, too:
Achmed: Jingle bombs, jingle bombs / I think I am screwed / Don't laugh at me because I'm dead / Or I keel you!
Peanut on Jeff and Guitar Guy: "You are so cute!"
Peanut: Which one of you is the girl? The one with the guitar or the one who has the dolls?
Jeff: "The stockings were hung by the chimney with care—" Peanut: And believe me, the room could use some fresh air. [Jeff stares] Peanut: Seriously, how the hell did that tradition start? Jeff: What? Peanut: Hanging up dirty laundry, hoping Santa would fill it with goodies? Ewwww!! I'd like to suck on this candy cane, but it smells like dad's feet! Good thing the tradition wasn't jockstraps. "Sally, what's in yours?" "Nuts. And mommy says they're magically delicious!" Jeff: You are ruining this story! Peanut: Well, you're the pervert eating out of your own jockstrap!
Jeff: "As I drew in my head and was turning around, / Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound." Peanut: He fell down? Jeff: Yes. Peanut: And didn't you say his face was all red? Jeff: Yeah. Peanut: Why doesn't anyone see this? He is drunk off his ass! This is a horrible, horrible story!
Achmed recalls that he once got drunk, but couldn't throw up because he doesn't have a stomach. All he could do was release dusty heaves.
Achmed:[tries to make a retching sound, but fails] POOF.
Bubba J:(dressed as a security guard) Whoa-ho! Is that a hybrid? Achmed: It's my Achmedmobile, you idiot! Just be careful parking it, or I KEEL YOU! (he arrogantly tosses the keys through the air; it hits Bubba J on the head, before falling on the ground) Bubba J:(after being hit) Didn't hurt. Achmed: And whatever you do, don't touch the red button! Bubba J:(clearly not heard Achmed, seeing a Big Red Button on the electronic keyless-entry fob on Achmed's keyring) Got it, touch the re-e-ed button! Achmed:(not hearing Bubba J) Yes... (Bubba J gleefully jams his finger on the button, which causes the Achmedmobile to explode) Achmed:(realizing that Bubba J has indeed pressed the self-destruct button)NOOOOOOO!! (The explosion sends flaming car parts and raging fireballs flying in all directions; the skull-scoop sails in a tumbling motion towards the camera, and the title "Controlled Chaos" appears)
Even before all of this happens, Jeff is sitting around in the dressing room, aching with worry:
Jeff: I can't believe it! The show starts in a half-hour, and Achmed is late! Walter: Maybe he drowned trying to visit Bin Laden's grave.
Jeff relives his childhood through several photographs. "I must have walked into the store and asked, 'Do you have any pants that don't even go with themselves?'"
Walter learns, much to his delight, that Jeff is now divorced:
Walter: You know, Jeff, I never thought I'd say this, but... you're my hero!
And as Jeff feels sad about his divorce, Walter tries to cheer him up:
Walter: You can leave your toilet seat up all the time! I'd hot-glue-gun mine open, for God's sake! And then shit out in the backyard! Just because I could!
It leads to this:
Jeff: Walter, divorce is painful! Walter: Oh yeah, painful like a deep tissue massage!
Walter goes on and on about how houses in Africa are made out of poo (cow dung, granted, but still...). It's a literal example of Getting Crap Past the Radar.
Walter: It's like that fourth little pig you never hear about. "This one built his house out of bricks, this one out of sticks, and this one out of straw, but the fourth little pig built his house out of poo!" Yeah, Disney never told you about him. And The Big Bad Wolf said, "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll— Oh my god! I got shit in my nose!"
Marnell using duct tape to hold Achmed's repeatedly dislocated leg in place.
Achmed:Marnell! Come back! [beat] My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole!
When Achmed's son A.J. (Achmed Jr.) is brought out, this causes no small amount of frustration on Achmed's part, as he tries to figure out who his mother is.
Achmed: I don't remember a woman who was all bulgy-eyed like you! Jeff: Bulgy-eyed? Achmed: Well, look at him! A.J.: Well, you're not exactly squinting! Achmed: At least my face is balanced! You manage to look terrified and asleep all at the same time!
Storm clouds gather, darkness prowls The moon shines fully as specters howl This scary house, this lonely road Revenge is coming and best served cold Revenge on Jeff, who plays with dolls Revenge on Walter, who moans and scowls Peanut, José shall know their place Like my awful father, who scarred my face One by one, they'll learn their damned To minding the monsters with Jeff Dun-Ham! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
The puppets all dress up as the thing they fear the most (save for Bubba J, who dresses as a vampire, because he, like vampires, hang out with people who have red necks, and Peanut and José, who are parodies of Batman and Robin, called Batnut and Ruben). Walter is a parody of Frankenstein's monster, called Crankenstein, and Achmed is an American woman. That is all.
However, many of the puppets wanted to dress as something else, but couldn't for various reasons. For example, Walter originally wanted to dress as a Catholic priest but decided against it because "everybody gets mad when [he] offend[s] the Mexicans." Bubba J originally wanted to dress as a ghost, but decided not to when someone backstage told him that a redneck in a white sheetwas not a good idea. And José originally wanted to dress as "an ugly whore" but couldn't because he "could not find a mask that looks like [Peanut's] sister."
Jeff compliments Walter for his costume, but Walter himself is not so sure...
Walter: I look like a cross between Hillary Clinton and the Hulk! (beat) No offense, Hulk. Jeff: You don't look like either one of them. Walter: Then I look like Gumby in a nursing home. How about that? (laughs) That makes you Pokey! Get it? You're an ass!
Made all the funnier when you realize that Pokey is actually a pony, not a donkey.
For Walter, the scariest movie he ever saw was a home movie of his wedding.
Walter: If I'm depressed, I watch it backwards. (looks out at the audience) You get it? She walks away!
When Jeff reminds Walter how much he loves his wife, Walter replies...
Walter: On our wedding, when she came down the aisle, with her giant hairdo and all that makeup, I felt like yelling, "It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!"
Jeff then asks Walter how the service went. Walter replies...
Walter: The worst part was when the minister asked if anyone objected, and no one would listen to me. Jeff: Maybe they couldn't hear you. Walter: Hey, you're right — you weren't there!
After the wedding, Walter says, his wife ate cake. Nonstop. For 45 years!
Walter: You know what scares me now? Jeff: What? Walter: When my wife asks, "Does this thong make my ass look fat?" Jeff: You didn't answer that, right? Walter: I guess I shouldn't have. Jeff: What did you say? Walter: I asked her if it was a thong or if her ass grew over her panties. Jeff: That's terrible! Walter: Yeah, I probably should've stopped there. Jeff: What else did you say? Walter: I said, "No, the thong doesn't make your ass look fat; your fat ass makes your fat ass look fat! The thong is the victim!"
Jeff learns that Peanut and José, as the superhero duo of Batnut and Ruben, have an archenemy (it is Little (Ugly-Ass) Jeff in a Riddler-type green body suit with the letter L instead of question marks all over it; he is called The Loser), and asks them if he can see him. This leads to a lot of confusion and the puppets Comically Missing the Point:
Peanut: You see him every day. Jeff:[confused] What? José:[loudly] He said, "You see him every day"! Jeff: I heard him. José: Then why did you say "what?" Jeff: What? Peanut:[yelling] HE SAID, "WHY DID YOU SAY 'WHAT?'"! Jeff: Why are you yelling? Peanut: Because you keep saying "what"!
The puppets then spend a long time talking about why Jeff is saying "what" so much:
Peanut: He's getting old. Jeff: What? Peanut:[to José] See? José: He said "what" again. Peanut: It's downhill after 50. José: He's been farting more now, too. Peanut: I know, old guys do that. Jeff: Excuse me! José: I think he farted again. Peanut: At least he's polite. Jeff: You guys! Peanut:[loudly] YES, JEFF? José: IT'S OKAY TO GET OLD, SEÑOR! Peanut: IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE! José: UNLESS YOU DIE FIRST!
Even though the Loser is the archenemy of Batnut and Ruben, it turns out that the Loser has an archenemy of his own, too: the evil, the ruthless, Al E. Mony!
Little Jeff: And there's only one superhero who can save me from Al E. Moany. Peanut: He's strong but stupid, wealthy but easily manipulated! Jeff: And that is... Little Jeff: New Husbandman! Peanut: But she's not that stupid, right? Jeff: Well... legally, per the agreement, I'm not allowed to talk about this. Peanut: But we can? Jeff:Yeah, you're good. Peanut: To be continued!
All Over the Map
When Jeff and Achmed do a show in the United Arab Emirates:
Achmed: Greetings, infid—er, uh, folks!
Walter is shocked to learn that, in Iceland, the average life expectancy of a woman is 90-100 years.
Walter: Send my wife home immediately!
As Jeff and Achmed do a show in Norway, Achmed asks Jeff if they can go to IKEA, but Jeff tells him they're in Norway and that IKEA is in Sweden.
Achmed: Too bad. I wanted to give IKEA a new advertising slogan. Jeff: What's that? Achmed: IKEA'l you!
Throughout the special, Achmed answers audience questions like Walter did in Arguing with Myself. In Scotland, one of the questions is from a 'Jackie'. Achmed calls out for Jackie... and a man's voice answers.
Achmed: Jackie! Lay off the testosterone! You sound like a fucking guy!
In Malaysia, Jeff was told that he couldn't use Achmed the Dead Terrorist during the show for cultural reasons. He relates this message to the audience, saying he would like to keep his word to the Cultural Ministry, but he also wants to give them their money's worth; enter Achmed's brother Jacques Merde, the French Terrorist (Achmed with a beret and moustache speaking Gratuitous French). Oh, and "Jacques Merde"? French for "Jack Shit."
And his cover is blown when Jeff reads out a question as "Dear Achmed" rather than a more generic opening.
Achmed: It has been nice knowing you. [laughter] Kumbaya...
During a live show in South Dakota, Jeff's routine kept getting interrupted by planes flying overhead, prompting this outburst: