History Funny / JeffDunham

-->'''José:''' I do not use them.

''One by one, they'll learn their damned''\\

-->'''Walter:''' If I'm depressed, I watch it backwards. ''(looks out at the audience)'' You get it? She walks away!

--->'''Walter:''' On our wedding, when she came down the aisle, with her giant hairdo and all that makeup, I felt like yelling, [[Literature/{{Frankenstein}} "It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!"]]

--->'''Walter:''' The worst part was when the minister asked [[SpeakNowOrForeverHoldYourPeace if anyone objected]], and no one would listen to me.\\

** After the wedding, Walter says, his wife ate cake. Nonstop. For 45 years!

'''Walter:''' When my wife asks, "Does this thong make my ass look fat?"\\

'''Jeff:''' What did you say?\\

'''Walter:''' I said, "No, the thong doesn't make your ass look fat; [[ShapedLikeItself your fat ass makes your fat ass look fat!]] The thong is the victim!"

-->'''Edna:''' Hey! What's the big deal scarin' my fri-"\\

'''Walter:''' ''[looks shocked]''
'''Edna:''' Hubba hubba!
'''Walter:''' ''[screams and faints]''

!YouTube

* [[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PWi6rcOZUAg "Achmedina"'s interview with "Wonald Grump".]] Moreso in the last bit where she raises her legs to convince Wonald to grant him the first interview if she becomes president.

'''Peanut:''' Hanging up dirty laundry, hoping Santa would fill it with goodies? Ewwww!! I'd like to suck on this candy cane, but it smells like dad's feet! Good thing the tradition wasn't jockstraps. "Sally, what's in yours?" "Nuts. And mommy says they're magically delicious!"\\

'''Peanut:''' And didn't you say his face was all red?\\

'''Peanut:''' Why doesn't anyone see this? He is drunk ''off his ass!'' This is a horrible, horrible story!
* Achmed recalls that he once got drunk, but couldn't throw up because he doesn't have a stomach. All he could do was release dusty heaves.
-->'''Achmed:''' ''[tries to make a retching sound, but fails]'' POOF.

-->'''Bubba J:''' ''(dressed as a security guard)'' Whoa-ho! Is that a hybrid?\\
'''Achmed:''' It's my Achmedmobile, you idiot! Just be careful parking it, or I KEEL YOU!\\

'''Bubba J:''' ''(clearly not heard Achmed, seeing a BigRedButton on the electronic keyless-entry fob on Achmed's keyring)'' Got it, touch the re-e-ed button!\\

--->'''Jeff:''' I can't believe it! The show starts in a half-hour, and Achmed is late!\\

* Jeff relives his childhood through several photographs. "I must have walked into the store and asked, 'Do you have any pants that don't even go with themselves?'"

-->'''Walter:''' You know, Jeff, I never thought I'd say this, but... you're my hero!

--->'''Walter:''' You can leave your toilet seat up '''all the time'''! I'd hot-glue-gun mine open, for God's sake! And then shit out in the backyard! Just because I could!

'''Walter:''' Oh yeah, painful like a deep tissue massage!

-->'''Walter:''' It's like [[Literature/ThreeLittlePigs that fourth little pig you never hear about]]. "This one built his house out of bricks, this one out of sticks, and this one out of straw, but the fourth little pig built his house out of poo!" Yeah, Disney never told you about him. And TheBigBadWolf said, "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll-- Oh my god! I got shit in my nose!"
* Marnell using duct tape to hold Achmed's repeatedly dislocated leg in place.
-->'''Achmed:''' ''Marnell!'' Come back! ''[{{beat}}]'' My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole!

'''Achmed:''' At least my face is balanced! You manage to look terrified and asleep all at the same time!

-->'''Achmed:''' Well the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower!

** Funnily enough, "Poliosis" is an actual disease, though it obviously has nothing to do with scoliosis ''or'' polio.

--->'''Achmed:''' Jingle bombs, jingle bombs / I think I got screwed / Don't laugh at me because I'm dead / [[CatchPhrase Or I keel you!]]
* Peanut on Jeff and Guitar Guy: "You are so cute!"
-->'''Peanut:''' Which one of you is the girl? The one with the guitar or the one who has the ''dolls''?
* Guitar Guy's DeathGlare to Peanut:
-->'''Peanut:''' Do you know how I know you're on drugs? You're looking at me and you honestly think I'm looking back.

-->'''Walter:''' ''[in his sleep]'' Aw, these kids and their hipping and their hopping and... Pull up your damn pants, ya morons!\\
'''Jeff:''' ''[in his sleep]'' Second Creator/ComedyCentral special. It's gonna be great! ...No, Mommy, I don't wanna wear the pink bow!\\
'''Peanut:''' He even does this in his sleep. What a freak!\\

* Walter making fun of Jeff owning a blue Prius. Apparently when it drives past, it goes "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm gay!"
-->'''Walter:''' And when it's idling, it goes "Homohomohomohomohomohomo."

-->'''Jeff:''' Then I thought, "Damn, if it had been going a just little bit faster, I'd have a new puppet: a chihuahua on a stick!"

-->'''Walter:''' My mom always told me that if I ever got into a bind, I should ask "What would Jesus do?" So I tried turning her into a fish. Begone, Satan! Hello, Shamu.
** There's also the ''burning'' followup to that: "At least Shamu only has one blowhole."

-->'''Walter:''' Everyone in Ft. Lauderdale looks exactly like ''me!''\\
'''Jeff:''' Well, I heard that Ft. Lauderdale is where they shoot their "Girls Gone Wild" videos.\\
'''Walter:''' That's only during Spring Break. The rest of the year, it's "Girls Gone Saggy", then it's "Girls Gone Senile", and then it's just "Girls Gone".

--> '''Jeff:''' How do you spell your name?
--> '''Achmed:''' Oh, let's see, A...C...phlegm...

--> '''Jeff:''' What do you think of Bush?
--> '''Achmed:''' Oh, I ''love'' Bu--oh, you mean the president! I'm sorry...

-->'''Melvin:''' I dated Catwoman for some time, but I ended up with something I had to take medicine to get rid of. And boy, does it itch! AND NOW IT BURNS WHEN I FLY!

--->'''Melvin:''' ''(realizing what happened)'' It's the terrorists, I tell ya!

-->'''Peanut:''' You know, the funny thing is I actually AM pissing him off. And he would like to ''kill me''! But he will not kill me because that would be a form of ''suicide''!

--> '''Jeff:''' It's all the same!
--> '''Peanut:''' Didn't you watch ''Series/SesameStreet''?! "Jeff" is "Jeff", "Heff" is "Heff", and "''(guttural sound)''-eff" is "''(guttural sound)''-eff"! ♫ ''(to the tune of "One of These Things") One of these things just '''doesn't belong here!''''' ♫

-->'''Peanut:''' [José] works for ''you!'' If those immigration laws pass and he's not legal, you're gonna get your ass thrown in jail! [[NoodleIncident And trust me, you would not do well in prison.]]
-->'''Jeff:''' Why not?
-->'''Peanut:''' Ha! C'mere, puppet boy! Make your daddy talk!

'''Achmed:''' IKEA'l you!

-->'''Little Jeff:''' And there's only one superhero who can save me from Al E. Moany.\\

-->'''Achmed:''' Greetings, infid--er, uh, ''folks!''

-->'''Jeff:''' [[MindScrew Well, ''I'' don't speak Spanish.]]\\

* Jeff stares at Peanut, off which Peanut starts a staring contest:
-->'''Peanut:''' I will never BLINK!

'''Walter:''' "Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your shit and get out! ''({{beat}})'' [[SarcasmMode Have a nice day!]]"
* "They say that women age like fine wine." "...My wife's aging like '''milk'''."

-->'''Letter:''' "Why do I gag on my toothbrush but not when I'm performing oral sex on my boyfriend?"\\
'''Walter:''' Well, obviously, the toothbrush is bigger.
** And then there's this one:

-->'''Peanut:''' How the hell does that work? Do you go to a business and go, "Mm mm mm mm... you are a business."

-->'''Peanut:''' Yes, it is. It gets hot, it gets steamy, and then it goes "ding!"

-->'''Jeff:''' [[MindScrew I don't speak Spanish.]]\\

'''Jeff:''' I won't drop you.\\

'''Peanut:''' Do a little tap dance, and we got salsa!\\

'''José:''' It's okay. I kick his ass later.

* The special opens with a stormy night with a haunted house surrounded by a graveyard, whose tombstones are adorned with [[FreezeFrameBonus the names of some of Jeff's earlier puppets he longer uses, including Morty (his first puppet) and Sweet Daddy D]]. Inside the house, A.J., Achmed's son, provides the opening dialogue:

* The very first scene of the special, showing most of Jeff's puppets in bed with him and his [[spoiler:first]] wife, Paige:

* [[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PWi6rcOZUAg "Achmedina"'s interview with "Wonald Grump".]] Moreso in the last bit where [[spoiler:she raises her legs to convince Wonald to grant him the first interview if she becomes president.]]

--->'''Achmed:''' Jingle bombs, jingle bombs / I think I am screwed / Don't laugh at me because I'm dead / [[CatchPhrase Or I keel you!]]

'''Walter:''' Then I look like WesternAnimation/Gumby in a nursing home. How about that? ''(laughs)'' That makes you Pokey! Get it? You're an ass!

* Even though the Loser is the archenemy of Batnut and Ruben, it turns out that the Loser has an archenemy of his own, too: the evil, the ruthless, [[PunnyName Al E. Moany]]!

''Peanut, José shall know their place,''\\
''Like my awful father, who scarred my face.''\\

''To minding the monsters with Jeff Dun-ham!''\\
''[[EvilLaugh Ah-ha-ha-ha!]]''

-->'''Storm clouds gather, darkness prowls''\\

* Peanut's point about how all of his puppets have slept with Jeff's wife. When Jeff's wacky and having a good time, that's Peanut, when Jeff's pissed off and regretting marrying her, that's Walter. When he's so angry that he wants to kill her, that's Achmed the Dead Terroist. Jeff's also a sick man for asking what José Jalapeño on a Stick is.

--> '''Peanut:''' But didn't you watch ''Series/SesameStreet''?! "Jeff" is "Jeff", "Heff" is "Heff", and "''(guttural sound)''-eff" is "''(guttural sound)''-eff"! ♫ ''(to the tune of "One of These Things") One of these things just '''doesn't belong here!''''' ♫

---> '''Achmed:''' It has been nice knowing you! Kumbaya... When the show is over, ''run''!

--->'''Walter:''' The worst part was when the minister asked if anyone objected, and no one would listen to me.\\

* Even though the Loser is the archenemy of Batnut and Ruben, it turns out that the Loser has an archenemy of his own: the evil, the ruthless, [[PunnyName Al E. Moany]]!

-->'''Achmed:''' Not yet, dumbasses!