History Funny / IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice

'''Adrielle:''' Did someone say.... '''''[[IncomingHam GENESTEALERS?!]]''''' ''(proceeds to burst through the Warp and destroy the entire cult in seconds.)''\\
'''Norring:''' Who are you? WHAT ARE YOU?!\\
'''Adrielle:''' ....drunk. Bye-bye now~! ''(disappears into the Warp again)''\\

%%[[Funny/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDeviceMainEpisodes Main Episodes]] [[Funny/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDeviceIfTheEmperorHadAPodcast If the Emperor Had a Podcast]] [[Funny/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDeviceBroTrip40000 Bro Trip 40,000]] [[Funny/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDeviceShorts Shorts]] [[Funny/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDeviceSpecials Specials]] [[Funny/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDeviceVoxLogs Vox Logs]] [[Funny/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDeviceOthers Others]]

--->'''GM:''' [[{{Beat}} (beat)]] ''Wait!'' Wait, Wait, Wait, sorry sorry sorry sorry. You're going to give him your gun? Your ''radioactive gun?''
--->'''[=SpeakerD=]:''' (without missing a beat) It's only a little cancer. (beat and then the rest of the party erupts into laughter)
--->'''Earndil:''' [[OnlySaneMan Can I use my one veto?]] Can I use my ''one'' veto?
--->'''Zoran:''' (at the same time, still laughing) Look, I know ''I'' was gettin' dark but ''come on!''
--->'''[=HulkyKrow=]:''' ''Please do not cook the Tater-tot!''
--->'''[[=SpeakerD=]:''' Okay, fine, [[ARareSentence I won't give the child cancer in the funny RPG!]] (the party bursts into renewed laughter)

'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:You just agreed with me.]]\\

-->'''Kitten:''' My lord! I will PERSONALLY take my halberd and go on a crusade to the Tau worlds myself and I will shove it down the throats of every single one of their PATHETIC. FUCKING. HIDES!!! DROWNING THEM IN THEIR OWN BLOOD FOR YOUR GLORY, MY LORD!!!
-->'''Magnus:''' Father...Are you really sure this reasoning is um...sound?
-->'''Kitten:''' '''''SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH YOU TUBE OF DISCOUNTED KETCHUP!!!'''''
-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:That's one-to-one so far. Keep it up.]]
-->'''Kitten:''' ''*Proudly*'' I learned from the best!
-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Damn straight.]]

-->'''Kitten:''' "Didn't you die while trying to stop a black crusade?"
-->'''Dorn:''' ([[LettingTheAirOutOfTheBand The music abruptly cuts out]].) "[[BluntYes No.]]"

Goff Rockers when?
*** Goff Rockers are back in a White Dwarf novel.

-->'''Rogal:''' Perhaps you could use this as an exercise in not overusing profanity, father?
-->'''Emperor:''' [[AC:Go [HONK] yourself Rogal.]]
-->'''Rogal:''' [[LiteralMinded I believe that is biologically impossible, father]]. And [[CallBack I have only seen Lorgar do that]] with extensive genetic modifications.
-->'''Emperor:''' [[AC:Is there an option to censor everything Rogal says ever?]]
-->'''Rogal:''' Shhh…[[InsistentTerminology I am “Adorable”.]]
-->'''Emperor:''' [[AC:You are most certainly not!]]

-->'''Custodisi:''' Tacos are overrated. I personally prefer fajitas better.
-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:What are you, Malal 2.0? Stop being a [[CommanderContrarian contrarian]] for the sake of it or I will have you [[DisproportionateRetribution taken outback to mysteriously disappear as well]].]]

-->'''Whammudes:''' Yes, yes, the planet is called Mundus Planus--
-->'''Custodisi''' Mundus ''Plane-us''
-->'''Whammudes:''' Will you shut up!? ''*Custodisi laughs*''

-->'''Emps:''' [[AC:If you give me this information [from the Black Library] without a singular terrible innuendo I may consider listening to you]].
-->'''Whammudes:''' Certainly! You see, I was thrusting forth through the bowels of that clown library…
-->'''Emps:''' [[AC:As one of the ten thousand you could possibly be my biggest failure and you are living proof that eugenics does not work.]]

-->'''Cyberdong:''' What is [[{{UsefulNotes/Italy}} Tali]]?
-->'''Emps:''' [[AC:A pizza place]].

-->'''Karstodes:''' WELP, you are DEFINITELY going OUT the window! BEGONE YOU TRASH! ''[defenestrates Cyberdong]''
-->'''Cyberdong:''' What is a throw? ''[crash]''

-->'''Announcer:''' '''[QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS SEGMENT] ALSO HOLY [REDACTED] IS THAT A CHAOS WORSHIPER?? WHAT THE [REDACTED]'''
-->'''Uriah:''' Wow, even the ''announcers'' are [[SirSwearsALot rude]]...

-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:Terra's tits. What crawled up you collective bowels and self-terminated?]]
-->'''Custodisi:''' The entire doblin throne, most likely.

-->'''Whammudes:''' Excuse me, but aren't "squires" those silly, thin-limbed walkers that follow [[HumongousMecha Imperial Knights]] around?
-->''*several-second beat*''
-->'''Emperor:''' [slowed down] ''[[AC:[[SurroundedByIdiots My Imperium is so fucking stupid]]]].''

-->'''Rogal:''' Stop right there with your bad opinions, father!
-->'''Emperor:''' [[AC:A-I-G-H-T, bye]].
-->'''Rogal:''' TUESDAY!

-->'''Custodisi:''' "Hey Emps, how much exercise ya gettin'?"
-->'''Emperor:''' [[AC:Fuck you and your functioning legs, I will rip them off.]]
-->[Screams and gory noises in the background indicate the Emperor actually carried that out]

-->'''Russ:''' Daemons of Khorne are gonna [[CrossesTheLineTwice eat ya out like ice cream sandwiches once yer red rage begins.]]\\

--->'''Ordo Xenos leader:''' Do they steal genes[[note]][[ItMakesSenseInContext jeans]][[/note]]?\\

*** If you pay close attention, when the Ordo Xenos leader asks the question 'Do they steal genes?', the line briefly changes genes [[ItMakesSenseInContext to jeans.]]

* TheReveal of exactly why Leman asked to know about the Ordos and Chapters present: to gleefully tell them why they have no chance and are going to die.
* When Leman gets to berating Calato, he uses a Space Marine version of the [[MemeticMutation Navy SEALS copypasta]]. Doubles as a SugarWiki/AwesomeMoment, as unlike the [[InternetToughGuy fine fellow]] who was the subject of said copypasta. Leman is a Primarch who can back ''every single solitary word of it up''.
-->'''Russ:''' Well, first off, you're probably not used to the whole ''"killing things that aren't Tau or some other pansy species"'' thing. [[TranquilFury And second off.... You. Dark Angel]].\\
'''Calato:''' Just stop breathing. I can smell the ammonia from here.\\
'''Russ:''' '''What in the wolf did you just howlin' say about me, you little milksop? I'll have ye know I was throned at the top of my tribe in the Kingdom of the Russ, and I've been involved in numerous executions of traitor Primarchs and I have over 300 million confirmed kills! I am trained in wolf warfare, and I am the top [[PunctuatedForEmphasis C. Q. C.]] Expert in the entire Imperium. Ye are NOTHIN' to me but just ANOTHER NANCY LIONLOVER ''BITCH''.'''
*** Later, once he's thoroughly drunk, Calato approaches Russ to apologize calling him his uncle. As Space Marines generally consider themselves the children of their Primarch, so calling Russ his uncle is fairly accurate. Russ just rolls with it.
---->'''Calato:''' ''*Slurring*'' Look, I'm...I'm sorry--[Cough]--bwugh. Oooh, I'm...I'm sorry for what I said before, I...It was just the old Dank Angels/Sparse Dogs rivalaraly...I didn--uugh--BUGHR--I didn't uuh...mean it personally, ya know? You're still my, uh...You're still my uncle, right?\\
'''Russ:''' ''*Reassuringly*'' I am still your uncle.
** [[CallBack "Also, fuck recaf"]]
* Leman talking to the Adeptus Sororitas:

** Made doubly funny [[https://youtu.be/qProQ5QUH9w when you hear the original recording]] - Zoran was LateToThePunchline on that one, and his reaction mirrors the Canoness'.
* If you pay close attention, when the Ordo Xenos leader asks the question 'Do they steal genes?', the line briefly changes genes [[ItMakesSenseInContext to jeans.]]
* Leman on the Imperial Guardsmen.
-->'''Russ:''' I feel that yer very presence is enough to show why [[ButtMonkey ye really shouldn't be here.]]\\

'''Cegorach:''' (''thinking'') [[EvilHasABadSenseOfHumor Shit, that was good! I need him on my team!]]

* When the Dark Eldar put some headphones on the Star-Child to play "the song of our people," the ear-rape comes through to the Palace.

(''the fingers repeatedly unplug and re-plug the Tour Guide’s ears, to [[FunWithSubtitles [pain] and [relief]]]'')

-->'''Magnus:''' For looking like [[WesternAnimation/YellowSubmarine a yellow submarine]] there seems to be a distinctive lack of [[Music/TheBeatles intelligent life]] living inside your head.
-->'''The Emperor:''' [[AC:That's fucking hilarious.]]

--->'''Kitten:''' Seriously, my lord- they're xenos!

* Ephrael Stern's reappearance has her ''[[AllAmazonsWantHercules completely in awe]]'' at how large Magnus is, evidently uncaring that he's a ''Daemon Primarch'', exactly what her duties order her to kill without remorse or hesitation. Magnus, on the other hand, is considerably less enthused, given the bullying he'd suffered at his brothers' hands.

** He then lightly touches her, giving him the holy equivalent of a nasty static shock.

* Cegorach is having his fun scaring Custodisi and Whammudes in front of the Black Library... when Ephrael Stern appears from the inside of the library and demands food. Cegorach gives up and allows the Custodes access to the Black Library.

* Ephrael Stern's reappearance has her ''completely in awe'' at how large Magnus is, evidently uncaring that he's a ''Daemon Primarch'', exactly what her duties order her to kill without remorse or hesitation. Magnus, on the other hand, is considerably less enthused when touching her gives him the holy equivalent of a nasty static shock.

* While the episode has it's fair share of [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome Awesome Moments]] due to its sticking to the rules of the actual tabletop game, this also means that there's a fair amount of absurdity ''because'' it's sticking to the rules of the actual tabletop game. The Battle Sisters' Canoness for example refuses to let her squad open fire on some daemons attacking a vehicle in close combat, even though their weapons have little to no chance of damaging it if they miss, while Kaldor Draigo - the strongest unit on the Inquisition's side bar Leman Russ - proves to be hilariously ineffectual because he keeps failing his rolls. Leman Russ himself just sits there and does nothing despite being a OneManArmy because ''he has no eighth edition rules yet''.

* Dorn, Boy, the Tour Guide and a few random Mechanicus Cult members are having waffles, made by Dorn himself, but he warns them that they are heavily fortified. While the Mechanicus cultists collectively make a cog out of their meals and the Tour Guide just gives up, Boy proceeds to try to cut his waffles with, in succession, a spoon, a hammer, and a drill [[NoSell The waffles do not yield]]. Then Boy brings out ''explosives'', and the waffles continue to stand - albeit with ScratchDamage.

* How does the Emperor get Kitten to talk about it when the latter proves reluctant? By threatening to have Kitten be the target be the target in the next "Seek-and-Destroy" mission in the next Blood Games, implying that the destruction would be [[AssShove a bit more]] [[BlackComedyRape literal]].

--> '''Drukhari:''' My lord..?
--> '''Vect:''' [[OutOfCharacterMoment Yes, what is it? :)]] WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?!
--> '''Drukhari:''' I just... have to tell you... I LOVE your [[DyingVocalChange hat.]] :) (''begins [[ImMelting melting into a pile of sludge]]'')
--> '''Vect:''' Oh... [[OhCrap Oh no]]. [[ThisIsGonnaSuck We have a leak]].

'''Magnus:''' Number 999, I put my trust in ''TZEEEEEEENTCH!!'' (''crumples'') Ugh. So that was cringe. Number 1000, I used the powers Tzeentch gave me to ruin my father's Webway project and thus doomed the Imperium. Number 1001... I ate another donut...\\

-->'''Magnus:''' I am the mightiest psyker in the galaxy! I am the STRONGEST! SUCK IT, LEMAN, YOU [[UsefulNotes/FurryFandom FURRY FUCK]]!"
[[NiceJobBreakingItHero (Suddenly Daemons)]]\\

* This wasn't the result of any deduction on the Dark Eldars' part, either.

'''Vect:''' ...Oh. Well, that’s not good.\\

(''a dragon roars in the distance, and Magnus casually blows it out of the sky with a fireball'')\\

* When it's Magnus' turn again, he resorts to the mother of all self-depreciative humor - [[TraumaCongaLine listing every single horrible mistake he's made over his ten-thousand-year existence.]]
-->'''Magnus:''' Number 1, getting out of my incubation pod. Number 2, getting adopted. Number 3, using hair mousse. Number 4, developing an addiction to hair mousse. Number 5, learning how to read. Number 6, eating hair mousse...
** The fact that Prospero's PDF made grenades out of Magnus's tears, but they turned out to be psychically active [[EpicFail so they had to purge the PDF of chaos corruption]] just days before Russ arrived.

'''Magnus:''' [-This is an ancient video game reference this isn't comedy.-]\\

'''Rakarth:''' Define "problem."\\

* Dorn, Boy, the Tour Guide and a few random Mechanicus Cult members are having waffles, made by Dorn himself, but he warns them that they are heavily fortified. While the Mechanicus cultists collectively make a cog out of their meals and the Tour Guide just gives up, Boy proceeds to try to cut his waffles with, in succession, a hammer, a drill, and explosives. [[NoSell The waffles do not yield.]]

* The recap is told by the King of Khanashan...to some mixed results. He can't even line up with some of the captions well.
* Magnus can't pronounce Cegorach's name, and at one point slips and calls him [[Franchise/DragonBall Kakarot]].
-->'''Magnus''': Damn you, Honk God, how do you pronounce your evil, horrible clown name?!
** Cegorach seems to accept "Honk God" as ''the proper pronunciation of his name''.

* "Slavesayswhat?"
--> '''Dorn:''' What? ''*Cue instant realization and BerserkButton pressed.*''
** Dorn's reaction to being told the Imperial Palace was being spied on: he hurls aside the table and immediately begins drilling down into the floor with his Centurion suit's drill arms.
--->'''Dorn''': '''I AM REINSTALLING THE PALACE.'''
* The Star Child literally killing the Dark Eldar with his kindness.
* At one point one of the Dark Eldar slavers is so overwhelmed by joy and compassion that it opens the slave pens holding Ork prisoners. They promptly beat the shit out of said slaver.
* The comedy competition between Magnus and Cegorach is absolutely a riot.
** Apparently, Magnus thinks being pedantic is satire, as his attempt at comedy - riffing on a classic Eldar story and pointing out cliches - is a clear TakeThat to WebVideo/CinemaSins.
** The Harlequins's reaction to Magnus's second attempt at comedy? Call him cringe, which is subtitled as [[horrible jeering clown noise]].
** One of Cegorach's jokes was to kill everyone in the audience and then himself...[[MemeticMutation and end up in]] '''''[[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsVSkyrim fucking Skyrim]] of all places.''''' Magnus is absolutely dumbfounded that this got a laugh out of them.
** Also, in the grim darkness of the 41st millennium, ''Skyrim is still somehow getting [[UpdatedRerelease rereleases]].''
** The Harlequins calling Magnus "Wide Ahriman". Notably, this is the bit of heckling that gets him to crack.

-->'''Magnus''': ''Oh no, a '''jock'''...''
* The Emperor makes his opinion of the Drukhari known as plainly and succinctly as possible.
-->'''Emperor''': [[AC:HOLY SHIT I FUCKING HATE DARK ELDAR]]