History Funny / EverybodyLovesRaymond

'''Marie:''' Frank!

--> '''Phil''': ''(to a laughing Patricia Heaton)'' Hi, I'm Phil.

--> '''Ray''': Just when you thought genitals couldn't get any smaller. (...) In a world where you never thought you'd see an innie penis. ''(cracks himself up)''

--> '''Frank''': How's Amy's cooking?\\

--> '''Marie''': Well to be honest, it's not a style I'd ever wear. Nice try, though.\\

'''Priest''': Well I could look it up, but I'm almost positive.

--> '''Frank''': Even as a baby, you would cry and cry and cry. "''(imitate crying)'' Look at me! I got colic!"

--> '''Frank''': I am not eating that!\\

** When the turkey dinner arrives at Marie and Frank's house, the delivery guy asks "Is there a Ray Barone here?"

'''Marie''' Well, ''that''. We didn't need a microwave.\\

** In the same episode:

-->'''Frank:''' Nice suit-- where's Gladys and the other two Pips?\\

'''Frank:''' No, it's ''not'' all right! What the hell is going on with you? I'm talkin' to you on the phone the other day; I can't even understand what the hell you're saying anymore! What did you call me "dog" for?!\\

'''Ray:''' Thank you... [[Film/SuperFly Superfly.]]\\

--> '''Ray''': I don't know. I'm not really interested in other cultures.\\
'''Debra''': Okay, you know, in the past, your...dumbness...has gotten in the way of just like a few things that I've wanted to do. The book club, theater, having conversations. But I just wanna say this one thing, and we won't have to discuss it anymore: ''You're not blowing this for me, pal!''

--> '''Ray''': ''(holding shower head)'' I hate this damn thing. The spray has no pressure. It's like a third-world country. Stupid place.\\
'''Debra''': Would you lighten up? Look where we are.\\
'''Ray''': I ''am'' looking. I'm taking a bath like Columbus. How about that Giorgio guy?\\
'''Debra''': What?\\
'''Ray''': I saw him drinking my Listerine, that's what. Whole place is annoying. You gotta change money. That's a scam. Nobody sees that? How could they not see that?

'''Frank''': ''(confused)'' What?\\
'''Giorgio''': ''(looks around to make sure they're alone, then makes "talking" motion with his hand)'' "Meh-meh-meh-meh-meh."\\
'''Frank''': ''(grinning)'' Oh, I get it, yeah! ''(makes the same motion)'' "Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!"\\
'''Giorgio''': "Bah-bah-bah-bah!"\\
'''Frank''': "Meh-meh-meh-meh!"\\

'''[[AndHereHeComesNow Colleta]]''': ''(in Italian)'' ''[[SharedFamilyQuirks Giorgio! What are you doing?! You're spilling on the table! You're a pig!]]''\\
'''Giorgio''': ''(in Italian)'' Yes, my sweet. Sorry. ''(to Frank while Colleta's back is turned)'' Bah-bah-bah-bah.

--> '''Ray''': You know what? Any time I've ever given you a present, it's never been any good.\\
'''Marie''': That's not true.\\
'''Ray''': No?? The microwave.\\
'''Marie''': Well, ''that''. We didn't need a microwave.\\
'''Frank''': And they're dangerous! What if I wanted to have more children?\\
'''Ray''': If God hasn't stopped you, the government will. What about the [[CallBack Fruit-of-the-Month Club]]?\\
'''Marie''': Oh that was ''insane''! A ''year'' of fruit?! You know they still send me flyers wanting me to rejoin? (disgusted) And pictures of apricots!

--> '''Frank''': Can't you ever just be quiet?!
--> '''Marie''': Don't you tell me to be quiet! I have a mind of my own you know! I can contribute! I'm not just some... ''trophy wife!''
--> ''[beat, Frank looks at Marie incredulously]''
--> '''Frank''': ''You're'' a trophy wife? ...What contest in ''Hell'' did I win?

--> '''Ray''': Do you know that that's Daddy's golf bag?\\
'''Twins''': ''(smiling)'' Yeah.\\
'''Ray''': Yeah, you do. Well, do you know what titanium is?\\
'''Twins''': Yeah.\\
'''Ray''': You know how hard Daddy works?\\
'''Twins''': ''(still smiling)'' Yeah.\\
'''Ray''': Don't you know golf is all Daddy has?\\
'''Twins''': Yeah.\\
'''Ray''': Yeah, smile. It's gonna be funny when we send you a postcard from Disneyland, isn't it?

--> '''Frank''': I actually liked you on the other side better. Because the tilt of the basement was working in my favor.\\

--> '''Ray''': Trash talk allowed, right?\\
'''Robert''': Bring it on.\\
'''Ray''': Zero serving zero, you experimented in camp. ''(hits the ball)''\\

--> '''Marie''': Did you smoke?\\
'''Ray''': ...Smoke [[TheStoner WHAT]]?\\
'''Marie''': OH MY GOD!!!

--> '''Marie''': This is how I raised you? Didn't I tell you not to smoke? How many times did I tell you not to smoke, or drink, or do ''anything''?!

'''Frank:''' That's "Robert-Talk". That means you're good looking! ''(looks at Marie)'' Hey, good looking!

** Not even Garvin and Stan have kind words for Frank.

'''Stan:''' 50 bucks is nothin'! How about the dent you put in my car?! You tell me it wasn't you, I have eyewitnesses! And I have a bill! I wish I had pockets 'cause I'd carry it with me! Wait right here! ''(goes to retrieve it)''\\

'''Garvin:''' (chummily)'' Hey, Ray, it's really nice to see you again you know? ''(to Robert)'' Take care there, buddy, huh? Hey! Say hi to your Mom! ''(jumps in the pool)''

''(Marie opens freezer, sees Timmy's head, screams)''\\

'''Ray:''' ''(to Robert)'' I told you to get rid of that!\\

-->'''Ray''': "Oh, well, now I'm a widow! I guess I have to raise three kids on my own. On the other hand, I guess I could start dating again. I need a new pair of shoes. Hey, you know who's cute? Gianni!" \\

--> '''Ray''': Would somebody please tell me why my worst nightmare is ''coming true''?!?!?!

!!I Love You

!!Standard Deviation

!!Frank, the Writer

!!Your Place or Mine?

!!In-Laws

!!Win, Lose or Draw

!!Turkey or Fish

!!The Ball

!!Debra's Sick

!!Who's Handsome?

!!The Car

!!Recovering Pessimist

!!The Dog

** Marie suggests Debra make herself available to Ray to help him relax. She reveals this during a post-coitus argument:

!!Civil War

!!The Wedding

* This priceless moment when Lois wants to stay in a hotel instead of at the Barones's:

* The ColdOpen, which has no relation to the rest of the episode but is hilarious. Michael and Jeffrey throw Ray's golf clubs down the stairs, so Ray sits the duo down on the couch for a long talk:

** During one of the ping pong games between Frank and Ray, Ray tells Marie to shut up in the heat of the moment, so she stops being his cheerleader and goes over to Frank's side of the table, leading to:

'''Ray:''' Thank you... [[Film/SuperFly Super Fly.]]\\

'''Gianni''': Ray, you're the one that just told us you cry because you think your twins are gay.

!!Dancing With Debra

!!Robert Moves Back

* While Ray and Robert try to figure out Frank's lack of taste, because it's clear it isn't Marie's cooking, they take one of the mini-quiches that Marie had made and put [[BlazingInfernoHellfireSauce a multitude of spicy condiments on it first]] including but not limited to hot mustard, hot peppers, Wasabi, horseradish, and Jalapeno, to test Frank's inability. Frank eats a bit of it and proclaims it "...the same'' as the others. Robert, in a moment of thoughtlessness, wonders "How can you not taste that?" and eats ''the whole quiche''. His face near-instantly freezes in shock as the spice hits, his neck turns red, and he emits a strained whistle of a scream, and franticall runs into the kitchen to shove himself under the faucet to drink some cold water, then when that doesn't work, get out a cold stick of butter and lick it like a popsicle. Amy and Marie's respective [[ComicallyMissingThePoint responses to that]]?

-->Frank: ''[evil grin]'' Let's ''hide''.

-->'''Frank''': You crazy bastard! They're all killers! It runs in family!

** Amy mentions that when she was a kid, she use to collect filed mice and feed them to Peter's pet snake. Peter then sneaks up behind Frank and makes a chomping sound, startling Frank.

--> '''Debra''': What else, Ray? You don't do anything in the kitchen! You don't buy groceries! You... ''(speechless with anger for a moment)'' DIAPERS!\\
''(Ray is dumbstruck)''\\

'''Ray''': It's not my fault the kids have no hips!

'''Frank''': ''(confused)'' When did we get ''those''?

* Ray convinces Robert to fake incompetence when creating the wedding invitations so that Amy will do it herself and he won't have to do any more work. This backfires when Robert makes the mistakes too obvious, and when Debra finds out, she accuses Ray of doing the same with her throughout their entire married lives.
--> '''Debra''': I have ''had'' it, Ray. The jig is up. (walks upstairs)\\
'''Ray''': What jig? Come on. Me not being able to do that stuff, that's not fake. There's no jig! ''I don't have a jig!''

--> '''Robert''': We just thought-\\

'''Debra/Marie''': ''("I knew it" tone; shaking head and squinting angrily)'' Ohhhh…

'''Ray''': ''(flustered)'' Huh?!\\
'''Debra''': ''Three'' kids, and you only changed like ''ten'' diapers in your whole life! ''(mocking)'' "I can't do it. The diapers keep falling off."\\

'''Frank''': Forty-five years, I had a good run.

* Ray and the guys are at Nemo's Pizza, wanting to know what Angelina the waitress is wearing for Halloween. Andy's response to Angelina's costume:

** When Frank ([[ActorAllusion who's dressed as Frankenstein's]] [[Film/YoungFrankenstein monster]]) runs out of candy, the trick-or-treaters start chanting "Frankenstein sucks!"

--> '''Ray:''' [[OhCrap OH GOD,]] [[BigNo NO!]] ''[[AnythingButThat NOOOOOOOO!!!!]]''

'''Frank:''' Marie, [[DeadpanSnarker it's bad enough it needs it,]] [[AwfulWeddedLife you gotta remind me how long we've been married?]]\\

* While Ray and Robert try to figure out Frank's lack of taste, because it's clear it isn't Marie's cooking, they take one of the mini-quiches that Marie had made and put [[BlazingInfernoHellfireSauce a multitude of spicy condiments on it first]] including but not limited to hot mustard, hot peppers, Wasabi, horseradish, and Jalapeno, to test Frank's inability. Frank eats a bit of it and proclaims it "...the same'' as the others. Robert, in a moment of thoughtlessness, wonders "How can you not taste that?" and eats ''the whole quiche''. His face near-instantly freezes in shock as the spice hits, his neck turns red, and he emits a strained whistle of a scream, and franticall runs into the kitchen to shove himself under the faucet to drink some cold water, then when that doesn't work, get out a cold stick of butter and lick it like a popsicle. Amy and Marie's respective [[ComicallyMissingThePoint responses]] [[SkewedPriorities to that]]?

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWiPLhJ8-ZM This promo]] created for AMC Theaters in 1999. Among other things, Robert [[NoodleIncident apparently had]] [[PottyEmergency some bathroom problems]] when they saw ''Film/Titanic1997'', Marie reveals that she sneaked a lasagna into the theater since [[ComicallyMissingThePoint the concession stand doesn't sell it]], and Raymond ends up being overjoyed when he learns that the entire family will have to sit apart.

'''Ray:''' (enters) Hey.\\

'''Frank:''' That's "Robert-Talk". That means you're good looking! (looks at Marie) Hey, good looking!

-->'''Robert:''' That is so ''whack''!\\

'''Robert''': You do smell purty, Pa!\\

--> '''Frank''': ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH! That's how it starts!\\
'''Robert''': What?\\

'''Frank''': I represent the community!

** When Ray desperately tries to get Michael and Jeffrey to perform well as fairies so they can get back into the show. They fail spectacularly (they run around and scream).

'''Marie''': That's not Easter language.

'''Frank''': ''(from other room)'' You want me to get the hose?

!!Older Woman

--> '''Ray''': What are you doing?!?!\\
'''Marie''': Trying to help you relax!\\
'''Ray''': EEEGGGGGGHHHH!!!

** When Ray visits Robert's new place, he's staying with the Stipes, a couple who are almost exactly like Marie and Frank. At first they pamper Robert, but when Mr. Stipe finds out that Ray is the same Ray Barone from Newsday:
--> '''Mr. Stipe''': Why didn't you tell me who your brother was?\\
'''Robert''': Must've... slipped my mind.

--> '''Ray''': I think you need to get the hell out of here!

--> '''Ray''': Very nice... very nice... very nice...\\
'''Debra''': Here's your ''Sports Illustrated''.\\
'''Ray''': ''(tosses it in the trash)'' Very nice.\\
'''Debra''': Wait a minute. What was that?\\
'''Ray''': Oh, uh, I don't like it anymore.\\
'''Debra''': So you're giving up reading altogether?\\
'''Ray''': I still have cereal boxes. Unless Count Chocula suddenly lowers ''his'' standards.\\
'''Debra''': Do you want to tell me what's going on here?\\
'''Ray''': [[BlatantLies Nothing.]] ''Sports lllustrated'' used to be good, now it's bad. They have no credibility, no taste.\\
'''Debra''': Oh, Ray. Did ''Sports lllustrated'' reject you again?\\
'''Ray''': ''(annoyed)'' No. As a matter of fact, I'm proud of those rejections now, 'cause that rag is amateurville, Jack.

--> '''Ray''': You know, I, I work hard. I try to make enough money to feed this family. I have to put up with friends who ask my advice and then ignore what I tell them.\\
'''Ally''': Daddy!\\
'''Ray''': Then I put up with traffic. Then I have to come home-\\
'''Ally''': Daddy!\\
'''Ray''': …And explain myself to a wife who thinks I'm self-centered-\\
'''Ally''': Daddy!\\
'''Ray'''; ...which makes me think- '''I hear her!''' ''(turns around)'' What is it, honey?\\
'''Ally''': I have a thousand pennies.\\
'''Ray''': ...Did you see that Daddy was talking, sweetie? ''(quickly changes tone)'' And I would ''love'' to see those pennies later, okay? ''(to Debra)'' Huh?!

--> '''Ray''': Look, the other day, I guess you came over here looking for advice about marriage and I wasn't really talking to you, you know. I was just kind of being funny.\\
'''Robert''': When were you funny?\\
'''Ray''': You know, the hostage thing, spanking a supermodel...\\
'''Debra''': What?!

--> '''Marie''': What's the point of living longer if you're miserable, dear?\\
'''Debra''': I think that every day...

--> '''Robert''': Look at how it... jiggles.\\
'''Ray''': ''(after being accused of not eating any yet)'' I did, from right here. You can't tell, 'cause it morphs back.\\
'''Ray''': It kinda ''starts off'' with an aftertaste, doesn't it?\\
'''Marie''': And the good thing is, you don't fall asleep after this meal.\\
'''Frank''': That's all I had left.

-->'''Robert''': I never thought I'd say this, but could you pass the broccoli, please?

--> '''Ray''': No! Ooooooooooohhhhhhhh… ''(signs for it)'' booooooyyyyy…

--> '''Marie''': Where are you going?!\\
'''Frank''': On a picnic! Out with the old bag... in with the new! ''(backs out of the room)''

--> '''Marie''': You know, Robby, I've never been in a hot tub. I should bring my suit next time.\\
'''Frank''': I think the ''building'' might bring a suit: Indecent exposure.\\
'''Marie''': All right.\\
'''Frank''': Inciting a riot.\\
'''Marie''': Frank.\\
'''Frank''': Water pollution.\\
'''Marie''': Why don't ''you'' go down in the hot tub? I'm sure the girls would love to watch a pot roast boil.

--> '''Ray''': What are you doing?\\
'''Robert''': Ah, nothing, just here to help out Ally with her report on Harriet Tubman. ''(guilt-tripping)'' You know, it's Black History Month.\\
'''Ray''': Thank you... [[Film/SuperFly Super Fly.]]\\
'''Robert''': What?\\
'''Ray''': Nothing, it's just, uh, I never seen you so... stylin'.\\
'''Robert''': Just some new clothes, that's all. Gotta get out more, mah brutha.

-->'''Robert''': Come on, Dad, what are you doing?\\
'''Frank''': ''That'' was a tribute?\\
'''Ray''': What, you didn't like it?\\
'''Frank''': It was stupid! And it was so ''short!''\\
'''Ray''': Yeah, well, we kinda went with a fast, Creator/{{MTV}} kind of editing.\\
'''Frank''': Well, I didn't get it! And what's with Correlli saying he likes me hot with marshmallows?\\
'''Ray''': ''(to Robert)'' I told you to get rid of that!\\
'''Robert''': It was cute!

-->'''Announcer''': Did somebody say "sandwiches"?\\
'''Frank''': ''(talking in his sleep)'' Yes! ''(wakes up)''

** Shortly after that, the toaster in question is brought in by a woman whose son had bought it for her after Frank and Marie had returned it. Marie eagerly asks if she's planning to exchange it, to which the woman bluntly replies [[ArmorPiercingQuestion "Of course not, I got it from my son. What sort of mother would I be?"]]

--> '''Ray:''' [[OhCrap OH GOD]] [[BigNo NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!!]]

* While Ray and Robert try to figure out Frank's lack of taste, because it's clear it isn't Marie's cooking, they take one of the mini-quiches that Marie had made and put [[BlazingInfernoHellfireSauce a multitude of spicy condiments on it first]] including but not limited to hot mustard, hot peppers, Wasabi, horseradish, and Jalapeno, to test Frank's inability. Frank eats a bit of it and proclaims it "...the same'' as the others. Robert, [[WhatAnIdiot in a moment of thoughtlessness]], wonders "How can you not taste that?" and eats ''the whole quiche''. His face near-instantly freezes in shock as the spice hits, his neck turns red, and he emits a strained whistle of a scream, and franticall runs into the kitchen to shove himself under the faucet to drink some cold water, then when that doesn't work, get out a cold stick of butter and lick it like a popsicle. Amy and Marie's respective [[ComicallyMissingThePoint responses]] [[SkewedPriorities to that]]?

--> '''Frank:''' I wanna put some salt on this.\\
--> '''Marie:''' In forty seven years of marriage you've ''never'' salted my lasagna...\\
--> '''Frank:''' Marie, [[DeadpanSnarker it's bad enough it needs it,]] [[AwfulWeddedLife you gotta remind me how long we've been married?]]\\
--> '''Marie:''' That doesn't need salt (reaches out and grabs the salt before Frank can). What's this about Frank, are you mad at me?\\
--> '''Frank:''' No, I just want the salt.\\
--> '''Marie:''' Baloney, it's because I yelled at you last night for blowin' your nose into your sock\\
--> '''Frank:''' No, all I'm sayin' is, this is not doin' it for me...\\
--> '''Marie:''' Oh, well then by all means have the salt (hands it back)\\
--> '''Frank:''' Thank you.\\
--> Marie then takes the ''food'' away from Frank before he can salt it, and dumps it in the sink and storms out.\\
--> '''Frank:''' Pass the salt! The list of things I'm allowed to say is gettin' shorter!\\

--> '''Marie:''' Robbie! Robbie, please!...you'll spoil your appetite...\\

** Debra and Ray start off on opposite sides of the issue of Ally's behavior in school. By the end of the episode, they still are, but have completely swapped positions - Debra due to a second encounter with Ally's teacher that helped her see Ally's side of things, [[OverprotectiveDad Ray because of the information that Ally was being distracted by a boy.]] When said boy calls asking for Ally, Ray picks up (after finding the ringing phone in the fridge, where Ally had thrown it earlier to hide that she was breaking the terms of her grounding):

** Shortly after that, the toaster in question is brought in by a woman whose son had bought it for her after Frank and Marie had returned it. Marie eagerly asks if she's planning to exchange it, to which the woman bluntly replies [[ArmorPiercingQuestioon "Of course not, I got it from my son. What sort of mother would I be?"]]

'''Frank''': Well, I didn't get it! And what's with Correlli saying he likes me hot with marshmallows??\\

--> '''Marie''': You have that ''here'', [[NotHelpingYourCase you stupid ass!]]

'''Ray:''' And you found yourself on the front page of the daily news with your boobs out.\\
'''Debra:''' ''RAY!''

--> '''Ray''': ''(starts to pull off his shirt)'' Oh when the saints, go marching iiiinnn... oh when the saints go marching in! ''(Debra gives Ray a titty-twister)''

'''Marie:''' Well, I... I... I... Wh-- uh... ''[turns to Amy]''\\

--> '''Ray''': No!ooooooooooohhhhhhhh… ''(signs for it)'' booooooyyyyy….

'''Frank''': On a picnic! ''(backs out of the room)''

** Shortly after that, the toaster in question is brought in by a woman whose son had bought it for her after Frank and Marie had returned it. Marie eagerly asks if she's planning to exchange it, to which the woman bluntly replies "Of course not, I got it from my son. What sort of mother would I be?"

'''Robert''': Ah, nothing, just here to help out Ally with her report on Harriet Tubman. (guilt-tripping) You know, it's Black History Month.\\

* The awful editing job on Frank's "tribute" video (in actuality, they asked his old friends what they think about chocolate because nobody has anything nice to say about Frank), and Frank pointing it out afterwards:
--> '''Frank''': And what's with Correlli saying he likes me hot with marshmallows??\\
'''Ray''': I told you to get rid of that!\\

--> '''Announcer''': Did somebody say "sandwiches"?\\

--> '''Ray''': Come on. What, you can't take it, huh? You're wimps. What, you're not men?\\

--> '''Narrator''': The mother decides to nurse its young under the cooling shade of a nearby tree. Unfortunately, that decision will cost the gazelle its life. The lion will catch her-\\

'''Ray''': Hey, Robert, you should probably-\\

** Debra, to Ray: "Listen. If my parents lit an orphanage on fire on ''CHRISTMAS EVE'', they wouldn't be as bad as ''your'' parents!" Then she drops the turkey on the floor and sloppily shoves it in the oven.

'''Guy''': ''(walking by)'' How about ''zero''?

'''Mother''': Yeah. He's gonna be bouncing off the walls now, you jerk.

** Then when Jerry insults Ray, Robert stands up for Ray in the most awesome way possible. After his TheReasonYouSuckSpeech to Jerry, he takes the used paper and stuffs it in Jerry's pocket.

'''Ray''': Huh?\\

'''Ray''': Agh! Ma! ''(pushes his cereal away and goes to the basement)''\\

'''Ray''': ...You didn't brush your teeth today, did you, dad?

--> '''Debra''': Look at this place! It's like a, a Chinese banquet or something! Oh my God! This is so amazing! Oh, thank you! Thank you so much! I can't believe you did this! And Amy... I should have known when you invited me
to a ''museum'' on my ''birthday''! ''That's'' why you didn't want to go out to eat after!\\