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    In general 
  • Any time Robert mutters angrily. See: "Frank Goes Downstairs" and "The Game".

    Outtakes 
  • Any time Ray does multiple variations of a scene. In "Robert's Date", for example, Ray makes up a new punchline every time Robert asks him where he got his new suit. Pretty much every one of them cracks up Brad Garrett.
  • "The Children's Book": In the aired episode, it cuts away right as Frank shows his nude drawing of Marie. In the outtake, you actually get to see it (albeit from a distance), and it's pretty amusing: A giant Marie head on a cartoonishly small body.
  • "Halloween Candy": During a scene with Frank giving out candy to trick-or-treaters, the director cuts and starts giving instructions for the next take. As he's talking, the little boy playing one of the trick-or-treaters suddenly speaks up to inform him, "I think I've had enough."
  • "Marie and Frank's New Friends": In the episode proper, Ray and Debra start to make out on the couch but stop when Marie, Frank, and the Stipes barge in. But in the outtake, the two just keep going at it. By the time Ray finally gets off Patricia Heaton, she's laughing hysterically.
  • In one scene, Madilyn Sweeten accidentally calls Frank "grandma" and quickly corrects herself. Peter Boyle reiterates: "Grandpa."
  • "The Sneeze": Marie takes Ray's temperature orally and says it's not accurate enough, and commands him to flip over. In the regular episode, Ray just has a disturbed look on his face as the episode ends. But in the outtake, he happily hops out of bed and sticks his butt to the audience, ready to pull his shorts down.
  • "Young Girl": In the regular episode, Debra grabs Ray by the ear and drags him to the car. But in an outtake, she grabs him by the crotch instead.
  • "Separation": In the regular episode, Ray comes into the bedroom wearing a mini-cowboy hat and a mustache. In the outtakes, Ray enters holding an unnamed woman staffer's hand, implying they're going to do a three-way. And in the next take, Ray enters holding Phil Rosenthal's hand. Phil gets into bed and beckons Ray to join but he declines.
    Phil: (to a laughing Patricia Heaton) Hi, I'm Phil.
  • "Odd Man Out": Marie introduces Marco Fogagnolo, but gets Tongue-Tied by his last name and accidentally says "Marco fuggin'..."
  • Brad Garrett messing up his line ("He got the moron gene.") to "He got the gene moron." He immediately realizes his mistake and laughs.
  • "Lucky Suit": Ray's riffs on Robert, most of which didn't make it into the actual episode:
    Ray: Just when you thought genitals couldn't get any smaller. (...) In a world where you never thought you'd see an innie penis. (cracks himself up)
    • Brad Garrett gets him back in a later scene when Robert is shouting at Ray and Debra; Ray Romano remarks that he's getting spit on. Brad replies by merely flipping him off.
  • In "Pet the Bunny", one of the twins struggling to say "Daddy's weird" without cracking up or smiling.
  • "Thank You Notes":
    Frank: How's Amy's cooking?
    Ray: I dunno, it's good, I guess.
    (long pause)
    Peter Boyle: Oh, shit.
  • "Jazz Records": After Debra gives Marie her Christmas gift, one of Marie's own bras:
    Marie: Well to be honest, it's not a style I'd ever wear. Nice try, though.
    Brad Garret: (sultry) Put it on.
    (Doris Roberts puts it on over her clothes)
    • In the same episode's outtakes, Ray's goofy, raspy delivery when he says "You let me suffer for THIRTY YEARS!" It cracks up Brad.
  • "Home from School": Ray's telling Michael the story of how he wet his pants on the baseball field. He accidentally says "So, this... this brown spot is gettin' bigger and bigger..." before realizing his mistake.

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    Season 1 

Pilot

  • No doubt the funniest scene, and a scene which was referenced many times later in the series:
    Marie: Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning. Did you know you sent me a box of pears? From a place called Fruit-of-the-Month?
    Ray: That's right. How are they?
    Marie: Oh, they're very nice pears. But there are so many of them. There are over a dozen pears. What am I supposed to do with all those pears?
    Ray: I think you're supposed to eat them.
    Marie: Myself?
    Ray: You and Dad and Robert.
    Marie: How many pears can Robert eat? I appreciate the thought, but please, don't ever send us any more fruit again. Thanks.
    Ray: Well, another box is coming next month.
    Marie: What? More pears?
    Ray: No. It's a different fruit every month.
    Marie: Every month?
    Ray: Yes. That's why they call it Fruit-of-the-Month Club.
    Marie: It's a club? Oh, my God! What do I do with all this fruit?
    Ray: Most people like it, Ma! You share it with all your friends.
    Marie: Which friends?
    Ray: I don't know. Lee and Stan.
    Marie: Lee and Stan buy their own fruit!
    Ray: Give it to-
    Marie: Why did you do this to me?
    Ray: OH. MY. GOD!
    Marie: (distraught) I can't talk. There's too much fruit in the house!

I Love You

I Wish I Were Gus

  • Robert's "HOUUUGGGHHH!" noise at the funeral.

Standard Deviation

Look, Don't Touch

  • When Debra goes to dinner with Ray and the kids, she meets the attractive waitress that Ray's met many times already.
    Angelina: You want your usual?
    Ray: (nervous chuckle) Like I have a "usual".
    Debra: Go ahead, Ray. Just get your usual.
    Ray: Bernie's usual. I'm gonna go with... Italian food. And what about you, my bride?
    Debra: We're gonna have a large cheese pizza. I need three milks for the kids. I'll have a root beer, and he needs something to drink right away.

Frank, the Writer

Your Place or Mine?

In-Laws

Win, Lose or Draw

Turkey or Fish

Captain Nemo

  • Dave, Kevin and Andy interrupting Ray's shower and imitating him.
    Kevin: (as Ray) Oh noooo, who's in my SHOW-weeeerrr! In my baaaafroom!
    • A scene earlier, Dave trying to light up at the kitchen table.
    Ally: Mommy, that man's smoking!
    Dave: Narc.

The Ball

Debra's Sick

Who's Handsome?

The Car

Diamonds

  • Debra's frantically searching for her lost wedding ring:
    Amy: Well, you know what they say: It'll be the last place you look.
    Debra: (annoyed) Of course it'll be the last place I look, because once I find it, I won't have to look for it anymore! (calms down) ...I'm sorry, I'm just a little...
    Amy: Bitchy?
    Debra: Yeah. That.

The Game

  • This line from Frank, when they're going to play "Scruples":
    Frank: I don't like games. Follow the rules, pay attention, wait your turn... it's just like work, dressed up like play.
    • Another line from Frank in the same episode:
    Frank: I've got Scruples, Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs!
    • When Robert suggests they play Scruples, Debra says they don't have that game. Robert reminds them that he got it for them as a Christmas gift. They didn't even unwrap the plastic, sending Robert into one of his muttering tirades.

Recovering Pessimist

The Dog

Neighbors

  • Ray tells the priest at the confessional about his problems with his parents and how he's finding it difficult to honor them. In the course of their talk, the priest goes into an anecdote about a former member of the church council who he had difficulty working with ("I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism..."). Then he offhandedly mentions the man's name was Frank...
    Ray: Wait, Frank Barone?
    Priest: You know Frank Barone?
    Ray: He's my father!
    Priest: Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!
    Ray: Yeah!
    Priest: [deadpan] ...You're absolved.
    Ray: Really? You sure?
    Priest: Well I could look it up, but I'm almost positive.

Fascinating Debra

  • Debra leaves the room and that's when Marie and Frank come in, who the TV therapist finds more fascinating than Debra. She comes downstairs to find Frank with his hands over his ears, singing "I'm not listening anymore, doo-dah!" and Marie repeatedly telling him to shut up.

Why Are We Here?

  • Ray's speech to Debra about the perfect radius to live from Marie and Frank: Too close, and they're over all the time. Too far, and their visits become overnight visits. Also any of young Debra's Hilarious in Hindsight comments about how great it would be to live across the street from Marie and Frank, and Ray warning her it's a bad idea.

    Season 2 

Ray's on TV

  • Ray finds out that Marie and Frank thought his TV appearance was bad, after lying that it was good. He then gets it out of them that they've been lying to him his whole life.
    Marie: We told you were a good writer so you would think you were a good writer, then someone gave you a job. That's what parents do; they lie to their kids for their own benefit.
    Ray: But other parents aren't lying, mom. They believe in their kids.
    Marie: (sweetly) No they don't.
    • After Ray's disastrous second appearance on a sports show:
    Frank: I could've eaten a box of Alpha Bits and crapped a better interview.
  • In "Father Knows Least", Ray pretends to be a little kid so Debra can practice her active listening technique, but Ray is overly difficult ("You're a member of this family, and we help each other." "Yeah well, tough noogies.")
    Debra: Time out. Time out. Are you being Ray the little kid, or Ray the big ass?
    Ray: I'd like to be both.

Father Knows Least

  • Ray role-playing with a teacher on how to talk to a stubborn child. The scenario is getting a daughter to go to her grandma's birthday party.
    Ray: There's not gonna be very many more of them.
    Teacher: Ooh. I'm gonna stop you there, Ray. At this point, I don't think we need to discuss grandma's mortality.

Brother

  • Debra's lines to Ray said through a closed mouth (since Marie and Frank are in the other room, and it's about them), especially "Cause I want them OUT."
    • This exchange, after Ray and Robert laugh about Marie's sore throat:
    Marie: Go ahead, keep laughing. One of these days, you'll turn around, and I won't be here.
    (Ray spins around)
    Ray: Not today!
    Robert: HA!
  • Ray and Robert are all set to watch a basketball game but it's pre-empted by the president's State of the Union address. Robert turns it off, which makes Ray uncomfortable because now Robert will want to talk. Robert asks about the first time he and Debra had sex- at first Ray refuses to answer but Robert guilt trips him into not wanting to communicate, so he obliges:
    Ray: You asked me about the first time I had sex with Debra. I tell ya, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that someone like her would allow someone like me to sleep with her. So you know what happened? I cried. I cried, I was so embarrassed. And the whole time, I never looked at her once! Okay?
    (after a beat, Robert gives a "wow"/"sorry I asked" face. After a couple more uncomfortable beats, Robert turns the TV back on)
    Robert: President looks good.
    Ray: Yeah. Chip?
    Robert: Yeah. The game'll be on soon.
    Ray: Yeeeaaaah. That'll be good.
    Robert: Leeeet's turn it up. (raises volume)

Mozart

  • Ray wants to take piano lessons for the first time in 25 years to show Ally (who wants to quit piano) what she can learn if she sticks with it. His first lesson is a disaster- Marie starts on the actual piece he wants to play ("Theme from Love Story") but he's fuzzy on how to play so Marie gets out a practice book. He fails at that so she gets out an easier practice book. And so on.
    Marie: All right. What's this note?
    Ray: (guessing) "B."
    Marie: (weary) Get up. The orange book.
    Ray: Orange? You skipped the blue book.
    Marie: You have to earn the blue book!

Golf

  • When Marie describes Ray's "anxiety attack":
    • The twice-done gag of Robert banging the locker with his hand when he loses the golf game to Ray.
    Kevin: You want to play, just me and you?
    Robert: Okay. But you gotta give me more strokes.
    Kevin: Why, you tired?
    Robert: No, I think my hand's broken.
    • Marie suggests Debra make herself available to Ray to help him relax. She reveals this during a post-coitus argument:
    Ray: Oh my God, did you just have sex with me because my mother told you to?... Eeeeeewwwwwww!!!

Anniversary

  • Debra refuses to put on a party for Marie and Frank, arguing that it's Ray and Robert's job since they're the kids. Ray and Robert start throwing ideas about what to do: Serving chips, a sub sandwich, and inviting their own friends. Debra is listening and eventually can't take it anymore:
    Debra: STOP STOP STOP STOP!!! Just stop. This is your idea for a party?
    Ray: Didn't you hear? Six foot hero.
    (...)
    Debra: We'll have a nice buffet, some crudites, pasta salad-
    Ray: But you didn't wanna do it.
    Debra: Well, I have to now, because I can't let this "chip fest" happen.
    • Frank randomly takes cheese from his pocket and eats it. Debra is grossed out.
    Debra: Please tell me that cheese is from this party.
    • When Marie and Frank talk about the time they almost got divorced, Marie begins the story by mentioning that she and Frank were a lot like Ray and Debra back then. We are then treated to a flashback, in which the younger Frank and Marie are played by Ray Romano in a bald wig and fake paunch and Patricia Heaton in a blonde wig and heavy makeup, respectively.
    • The separation was instigated by Frank asking for salt for his meal, Marie taking offense that her cooking would need salt, and leading to a shouting match that ends with Frank leaving the house (defiantly taking a salt-shaker with him). Six-year-old Ray and ten-year-old Robert barely look up from their TV program.
    • Later, when Frank comes back after Ray broke his arm, he and Marie make up, and she makes him a sandwich...and offers him salt. Frank declines, and Marie starts aggressively dumping salt all over the sandwich until he slaps his hands over it as a shield.
      • Even better, it's revealed that Robert's to blame for Ray breaking his arm (he sabotaged his bike); when Ray says he could've died, Robert was thinking one step ahead: "Then Dad would've come to the funeral."

Working Late Again

The Children's Book

  • The scene when Debra gets frustrated with her writer's block.
    Debra: I would want to run away, too if I was stuck in a piece of CRAP like- (kicks the book)
    • Then Ray rubs it in:
    Debra: I don't know how you do it. Every day, writing? It's hell.
    Ray: Well......... yeah. I try not to bring it home. Guess you've gotten a little peek there. I mean, it's not all hanging out at the games with the guys and the hot dogs and the make-your-own sundaes.
    Debra: Well, I suck. Good night.

The Gift

  • The Call-Back to the "fruit of the month club" from the pilot, when Ray says his birthday gift to Frank is backordered.
    Frank: It's not that fruit-of-the-month thing again, is it?
    Ray: No.
    Marie: That was the worst! They're still coming!
    Frank: We got grapefruit out the wazoo! You promised you'd stop them.
    Ray: You're still on the computer. It'll take a few months.
    Marie: (distraught) Dear God!
    • Gets another Call-Back right before the credits, when a restaurant hauls Frank's aquarium away:
    Marie: Wo-hop, wait! Take some fruit! (runs out the door with fruit)

High School

  • Ray learns that Debra was popular in high school (he... wasn't), and frames it in a funny way: "This is a mixed marriage."

The Letter

  • The scene where the guys crash the woman's tupperware party because the fight on TV ended early.
    Debra: Marie, I'm sure Ray's friends are not interested in Tupperware.
    Andy: Actually, I could use some new ice trays. My cubes smell.
    Robert: (holding up a nightie) Amy, what is this doing here? Did Ma see this?
    Frank: Holy crap! It's a whole bag of nighties.
    Debra: (grabbing the bag) No, Frank, that's, it's for a game.
    Frank: I'm in!
    • When the women leave en masse:
    Debra: Oh God, this is not what I wanted!
    Marie: Of course it isn't, dear. Nobody wants to give a bad party.
    • After Debra sends a letter criticizing Marie, Ray goes to Marie and Frank's house to try to get to the mail before they do. After a Sustained Misunderstanding about getting each others' mail (see Tropes Q to Z), Frank grabs the mail before Ray can.
    Frank: Crap, crap, crap, COUPON! Here's one that made it through. Marie, do we need our chimney swept?
    Marie: No.
    Frank: Here, this is for your collection.
    • Frank reading Debra's letter aloud.
    Frank: "I'm sure you don't even realize "when you're being overbearing, criticaI, and intrusive." Is this a petition? Where do I sign?
    • When Debra comes in:
    Debra: Did you happen to get the-
    Robert: Mail? Oh yeah.
    • The scene where Debra and Marie make up. When they abruptly leave:
    Frank: What in Hell's bathroom was that?!

All I Want For Christmas

  • Debra keeps giving Ray signals that she wants to have sex with him later, which makes Ray all hot and bothered. In one scene, Debra gets up close to fix Ray's button, when all of a sudden Marie sneaks up behind Ray and quietly says, "I need you, Raymond." Of course, she didn't mean it in a sexual context, but it made Ray all flustered for obvious reasons.
    • Ray enters the bedroom singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", except every lyric is "You better watch out..."
    • Andy, at work, wants dating advice from a woman co-worker:
    Andy: WHY CAN'T I SCORE?!?!

Civil War

Mia Famiglia

  • Ally interviewing Uncle Mel for her family tree project.
    Mel: Brooklyn was a pretty tough neighborhood. I had at least one fight every day.
    Debra: Come on, Mel. A fight every day?
    Mel: That's right, every day since I was four, until I entered the service.
    Debra: Mel, that's 5,000 fights.
    Mel: Well, look at me. Actually, I joined the Army to get away from the fighting.
    • When Aunt Sarina first enters the house:
    Mel: Excuse me. Isn't anyone gonna introduce me to this exotic creature?
    • Debra practicing Italian by audio tape. She does okay for the first two sentences, but the third one is longer ("Are there any first-class compartments available on the train to Florence?") so she just slurs gibberish for most of the sentence.

Marie's Meatballs

  • Earlier in the episode, Frank puts a nearly-empty juice carton back in the fridge, which Marie gets on his case about. Towards the end, Marie opens the fridge and finds another nearly-empty carton.
    Marie: That son of a bitch.
    • Debra's speech after she discovers that Marie secretly added an ingredient (tarragon) to her meatball recipe so Debra's attempt would taste bad:
    Debra: Okay, Ray? That's your mother!
    Ray: I don't get it.
    Debra: Do you still think she's trying to help me?
    Ray: Why would she go to all that trouble? Isn't it easier to leave out an ingredient?
    Debra: For an amateur! My God! This even looks like basil! Look at the label. It fits perfectly on here. My God! You know, this is the work of an evil genius!
    Ray: I don't get it.
    Debra: You know what I don't get? I don't get that you couldn't see my side of this! You're so busy defending your saint of a mother that you make me out to be some kind of ungrateful nutcase! Well, who's the nutcase now, Ray? WHO'S THE NUTCASE NOW?!

The Checkbook

  • Ray revealing that he had a third checkbook to cover for the mistakes he made on the real one and the first fake one.

The Ride-Along

  • After Robert has stopped a would-be robber (see Moment of Awesome), his partner Judy goes to check outside for any accomplices.
    Judy: No getaway car. [to the criminal] Got no friends?
    • Frank is poking his used fork into food after Marie tells him that no one else can eat it if he does that.
    Marie: He's like an animal, marking his territory! [Frank pokes her with the fork] Ow!
    Frank: What? That's a compliment!
    Ray: God, I wish this was the wrong house.

The Family Bed

  • Robert fondly recalls when Marie used to give him a glass of "sugar water" when he'd had trouble sleeping, and how it had always helped right away.
    Frank: That was booze.
    • Frank barges into Ray and Debra's bedroom because he can't find Marie- she's sleeping in Ally's room for the night, Ray's plan to get a good night's sleep. It backfires when Ally runs into their bedroom because she was scared of how Marie looked with facial cream on. Her and Frank's exchange is hilarious:
    Frank: You're my wife! You sleep with me!
    Marie: You care where I sleep all of a sudden?
    Frank: I don't care! I just can't sleep without you!
    Marie: Frank, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me. (goes to kiss him)
    Frank: (still upset) Don't kiss me with that stuff!

Good Girls

  • Ray grills Marie on something she said:
    Ray: Did you say that you like Amy more than Debra?
    Marie: I am not... saying that.
    Ray: ...What??
    Marie: I am not saying... that I like Amy more than Debra.
    Ray: I know you're not saying that now, but did you say it? Ever?
    (Marie remains tight-lipped)
    Ray: What if I told you that we have a tape of you saying it, Ma?
    (Marie gets wide-eyed)
    Marie: Give me the tape.
    Ray: There is no tape.
    Marie: Then you don't have any proof at all!
    • After Ray, Debra, and Robert find out that Marie wasn't such a "good girl".
    Marie: Frank and I... succumbed to temptation once. Just once before we were married! I-I was weak... and I fell for your father's boyish good looks... that was a long time ago. I knew we shouldn't have done what we did! But we were in love. Right, Frank?
    Frank: I wanted sex.
    • And the scene continues to deliver:
    Debra: So it was just the once and then you got married?
    Frank: It was just the once and then we HAD to get married.
    Marie: FRANK, NO!
    Ray: Woah, woah, had to get married? Wait a minute, so Robert's...
    Robert: What? [beat] ...Oh.
    • Somehow it manages to get worse when Robert puts the timeline together.
    Robert: Wait a second, it's nine months, right? You were married in September and my birthday's in June.
    Frank: That's when we told you your birthday was.
    Robert: ...WHAT?
    Marie: It was easier that way, Robbie.
    Robert: Oh, as long as it was easy!
    • And when Amy is wondering just why Marie is inquiring if she's a good girl, Debra has this to say.
    Debra: You know, I can explain it: Run. Just run and keep running!
    Debra: God, I keep forgetting what a freak show this family is until somebody new comes in and looks at us like that!
    (Amy has an epic "WTF?" expression on her face)
    Debra: I remember that look. That used to be me. Now I'm one of them.

T-Ball

  • The bit where Michael runs across the yard in just his diaper.
    Bryan: Will you look at that? Will you just look at that? Now, where's that child's parents?

Traffic School

  • When Debra finds out about Ray's traffic ticket:
    Frank: If I have to stay, so does Ray. He's got that traffic ticket he doesn't want to tell Debra about.
    Ray: Dad!
    Debra: What ticket?
    Ray: Oh, what is happening?!
    (later...)
    Frank: It had something to do with a halter top. Halted you pretty good!
    Ray: Dad! (to Debra) You know how these things happen. You see somebody and you think they're naked. Then you look and they're just wearing a beige top. The next thing you know, you've run over a couple of cones.
    Robert: Reckless driving.
    Debra: So you just ride around looking for naked?
    Ray: Well, if it won't come to me...
    • We have Robert's presentation with the dummy, "Timmy".
    Debra: Come on, Ray, this was YOUR idea [to have Robert's session be more fun].
    Ray: ...Did anybody hear me say "puppet?
    • "Timmy" asks Marie to give the instructions on how to properly back out. After doing so:
      Marie: I think that's it!
      "Timmy": Ohhh, that's it. (Turns to Robert) She thinks that's it.
      Robert: Isn't that everything, Timmy?
      "Timmy": Yeah, sure, that's everything. But how about making sure your first-born child is in the car before you pull out of a gas station in NEW MEXICO?!
      Ray: ...Well that's awfully specific.
    • Followed immediately by:
      Marie: Robbie, that was 30 years ago!
      Robert: I don't have a problem with it.
      (cut to "Timmy" just glaring at Marie)
      Debra: Uh, oh...
      "Timmy": Remember that? Big road trip, fun family vacation. Driving out to see the Grand Canyon. Frank stops to get some gas and you all drive off while Robert's still in the men's room?
      Frank: How would you know? You weren't there!
      Ray: We got a real battle of wits going on here.
    • This bit:
    Frank: I'm getting tired of Timmy's mouth.
    "Timmy": Sit down, shiny.
    Frank: You want to start with me?
    Ray: Dad. Puppet.
    • Despite repeatedly insulting Frank and Marie, Timmy doesn't have a problem with Debra:
    "Timmy": You're all right, cookie. Ha-cha-cha!!!
    • When Ray goes across the street to talk to Robert, he is startled when he turns on the light and finds Timmy sitting at the kitchen table. When Robert doesn't immediately respond to his calls:
    Ray: (eyeing Timmy warily) ...What've you done with Robert?
    • Raymond comes to comfort Robert and tell him it's not so great being smothered.
      Ray: How about in school when Mom became cafeteria monitor to make sure I ate all my food, kept my sweater on, and sat with her?
      Robert: That was bad. [...] How about when you'd walk to school, and Mom would follow you the whole way?
      Ray: She did?
      Robert: Yeah, she'd hide from tree to tree.
      Ray: Oh my god... THAT'S THE CRAZY TREE LADY FROM THE DREAMS!
      Robert: Nightmares?
      Ray: Yeah.
      Robert: How long did you have them?
      Ray: I just had one four days ago! [...] So... the jumping canoe guy is...
      Robert: Dad!
    • Robert sees Timmy missing his head.
      Frank: Not so funny without his head, is he?!
      Robert: What'd you do, Dad? I need that!
      (Marie opens freezer, sees Timmy's head, screams)
      Frank: (Evil Laugh)

Six Feet Under

  • Ray makes a list of things to do now that he's accomplished his life goal:
    Debra: "Peking duck, goat cheese pizza." What is this?
    Ray: I told you, it's goals and stuff.
    Debra: These are your goals? These are restaurant specials.
    Ray: I've never had the Peking duck.
    Debra: So your goal is just to eat things you've never eaten before.
    Ray: Not entirely.
    Debra: "Enlarged prostate"?
    Ray: See? That's something that I want to avoid. Not something I wish to eat.
    • Debra reveals that when she reaches retirement age, she wants to open a bed-and-breakfast, which confuses Ray.
    Ray: Bed-and-breakfast? What do you mean, like, strangers coming in and out of our house all the time?
    Debra: Yes, Ray, strangers. I'd like to try strangers for a change.
    Ray: I don't know. This is all happening too fast.
    Debra: We don't have to do it today, Ray. I'm just trying to get you thinking.
    Ray: I'm thinking I'd better come up with something before I end up with your bed-and-breakfast, tucking in a gay couple from Cleveland.
    • Frank is no help when Ray says he has a mid-life crisis:
    Frank: Don't worry so much. You die, you did what you did.
    Marie: Stop saying "die". It's obvious Raymond's afraid of dying.
    Frank: What am I supposed to tell him? That it's not going to happen? It's gonna happen! (to Ray) YOU'RE GONNA DIE.
    Ray: Thank you, Dad.
    • This bit:
    Ray: You have a dream. I've got nothing.
    Robert: "Nothing"? You've got "nothing"? House, wife, little daughter, twin boys. That's "nothing" to you? That was MY dream! So why don't you go take your little mid-life "I'm shrinking, I'm dying, I don't have any dreams" and go right back across the street to paradise!
    • When Debra makes a point about mid-life crises by pointing out that she rubs hand cream on every night:
    Debra: My skin isn't as soft and smooth as it used to be. Have you noticed?
    Ray: I didn't want to say anything-
    Debra: Shut up, Ray.
    • Frank singing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco".
    Frank: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My wife thinks I'm in the bathroom.

The Garage Sale

  • Ray and Debra share a kiss on the pull-out sofa in Marie and Frank's kitchen. Marie comes in and assumes the two are getting ready to have sex. Ray assures Marie that they're not doing that:
    Ray: Can we be alone, please?
    Marie: No! I mean, I'm happy that you and Debra are working things out but please, this is my kitchen.
    Ray: We're talking, Ma, that's all.
    Marie: Okay... but I'm just outside, and I can come back any minute. (leaves)
    Debra: That's just like at our house.

The Wedding

    Season 3 

The Invasion

  • Debra is reading on the couch while Marie has her French lesson, which makes Marie self-conscious. She begs Ray to say something to her. The way Ray bluntly phrases it is hilarious:
    Ray: Hey, could you go read in the other room?
    Debra: Why?
    Ray: My mom's trying to be French in here and you're, intruding.
    Debra: What?!
    Ray: I don't know, you're in the way. Look at you.
    • Ray asks to sleep in Robert's bed.
    Ray: Could you put on a shirt? (gets under the covers) ...And some underpants?
    Robert: Excuse me, I believe this is my bed.
    Ray: All right, but... come on, a guy gets into bed with you, you put some pants on.

Driving Frank

  • After taking away Frank's car keys because they feel he's an unsafe driver, Ray realizes that he and Debra have to be the "parents" with Frank now that he's getting older.
    Ray: I'll tell ya one thing: You're giving him the sex talk.

The Sitter

  • Marie watches the kids and accidentally steps on a toy, spraining her ankle. When Ray and Debra come home to find her lying on the couch with ice on her leg:
    Frank: Do you have a lawyer?
    Ray: You're gonna sue us?
    Frank: Not you, your insurance company. We split it! (makes "duh" gesture)
    • Ray at the Parker's, trying to get Lisa back as their sitter. The Parkers approach as he's talking to her.
    Bill: Hey, Barone.
    Ray: Hey, Parkers.
    Bill: What are you doing?
    Ray: Nothing. Hey, Nancy.
    Carrie: Carrie.
    Ray: Carrie.
    Bill: I think you better get out of here.
    Ray: Why? It's a free country.
    Bill: I know what you're doing, Barone.
    Ray: Listen, Lisa, whatever they're giving you, I'm gonna give you double, Lisa. You can do I have cable and everything.
    Bill: You're out of the carpool. (shuts the door on Ray)

Getting Even

  • Ray as the auctioneer at the school auction offends the nuns by saying he's sleeping with the presenter (Debra). Eventually he starts making jokes at her expense ("Everything my wife touches falls off, so you can guess how scared I am!"), and even the nuns crack up.
    • Ray thinks Debra is withholding sex from him because of the auction incident and says he's not scared by it: "I'm a sex camel."
      Ray: (amuses himself) Sex camel. That's a good one. I should write that down.
      Debra: Laugh it up, funny man.
    • Ray spends the second and third acts a nervous wreck because he's convinced Debra's out to get revenge for the auction. One of things Ray suspects is that Debra shook his soda. He refuses to open it, wanting Ally to do it instead.
      Ray: You would let it explode in your own daughter's face, your own flesh and blood.
      Debra: Go ahead.
      Ray: What kind of mother are you?
      Debra: The kind of mother who's gonna be awarded custody when they take you to the booby hatch.
    • A scene later, Debra relays a message to Ray about an upcoming golf outing. Ray pulls Robert into the kitchen: "You see that? She's evil." Robert is clueless as to what he means.
    • Ray forces Robert to try to get Debra to confess what she's going to do for revenge. Rather than dancing around it like Ray is expecting, he's very direct:
      Robert: Are you gonna get Raymond?
      Debra: No.
    • This exchange afterwards:
      Robert: I know when people are up to something. I can smell it.
      Ray: And she smells all right?
      Robert: She smells very good.
    • Gets a Call-Back a scene later:
    Ray: You smell, sweetheart.
    Debra: Oh my God, I have to leave you.

The Visit

  • This priceless moment when Lois wants to stay in a hotel instead of at the Barones's:
    Lois: I just don't know what you want from me.
    Marie: (to the kids) Oh here, honey. Let me get that for you.
    Debra: You know what I want? I want you to be a part of the family. I want you to help, or I want you to at least want to help, okay? I want you to be more like... like her! (gestures to Marie, who is surprised and then touched)
    Robert: (can't believe his ears) Like who?
    Ray: (also can't believe his ears) Like mom.
    Robert: Why??
    • In the final scene, Ray, Robert, and Frank (who had left the women alone to discuss their feelings) are over in Marie's kitchen eating a cake meant for dinner, when a message comes on the phone:
    Marie: (over intercom) Hello? Everything's fine now. You can bring the cake back over. Frank, pick up. Robert? Raymond? Are you eating that cake?! (the trio start consuming it faster) You better have not started that cake! That cake is for all of us! Frank?! I'm coming over! (the trio hurriedly pick at the rest of the cake and bolt out of the room, though Robert trips and falls. Ray runs back to help him, but...)
    Robert: Save yourself.
    (Ray runs out. Marie walks in the door and finds Robert getting off the floor with cake crumbs on his face)
    Robert: Hi, mom. It was Raymond. I tried to stop him!

Halloween Candy

  • Ray and the guys are at Nemo's Pizza, wanting to know what Angelina the waitress is wearing for Halloween. Andy's response to Angelina's costume:
    Andy: Please whack me with your ruler, Sister Mary Wowie-wow-wow-WOW.
    Frank: Frankenstein no suck.

Moving Out

  • One of the funniest moments in the series, when Ray comes home from work and begins to talk about his exhausting day. Marie comes up behind him and silently gives him a back rub. Ray thinks it's Debra and turns to kiss her, but is horrified when he sees it's Marie and falls off his chair to the floor. The timing on his reaction is just perfect.
    Ray: What are you doing?!?!
    Marie: Trying to help you relax!
    Ray: EEEGGGGGGHHHH!!!
    • "Oh God, now the dreams are gonna start again."
    • When Ray visits Robert's new place, he's staying with the Stipes, a couple who are almost exactly like Marie and Frank. At first they pamper Robert, but when Mr. Stipe finds out that Ray is the same Ray Barone from Newsday:
    Mr. Stipe: Why didn't you tell me who your brother was?
    Robert: Must've... slipped my mind.
    • Robert's room is above the garage. Every time the garage door opens and closes, the whole room shakes loudly.
    Ray: I think you need to get the hell out of here!

The Article

  • Ray gives Andy notes on an article he wrote. Andy decides not to use the notes, and the article is picked up by Sports Illustrated, leaving Ray to feel betrayed. When Debra gives him the mail:
    Ray: Very nice... very nice... very nice...
    Debra: Here's your Sports Illustrated.
    Ray: (tosses it in the trash) Very nice.
    Debra: Wait a minute. What was that?
    Ray: Oh, uh, I don't like it anymore.
    Debra: So you're giving up reading altogether?
    Ray: I still have cereal boxes. Unless Count Chocula suddenly lowers his standards.
    Debra: Do you want to tell me what's going on here?
    Ray: Nothing. Sports lllustrated used to be good, now it's bad. They have no credibility, no taste.
    Debra: Oh, Ray. Did Sports lllustrated reject you again?
    Ray: (annoyed) No. As a matter of fact, I'm proud of those rejections now, 'cause that rag is amateurville, Jack.
    • Ray is accused of being selfish by Debra. He defends himself:
    Ray: You know, I, I work hard. I try to make enough money to feed this family. I have to put up with friends who ask my advice and then ignore what I tell them.
    Ally: Daddy!
    Ray: Then I put up with traffic. Then I have to come home-
    Ally: Daddy!
    Ray: …And explain myself to a wife who thinks I'm self-centered-
    Ally: Daddy!
    Ray; ...which makes me think- I hear her! (turns around) What is it, honey?
    Ally: I have a thousand pennies.
    Ray: ...Did you see that Daddy was talking, sweetie? (quickly changes tone) And I would love to see those pennies later, okay? (to Debra) Huh?!
    • Frank's imitation of Ray as a baby:
    Frank: Even as a baby, you would cry and cry and cry. "(imitate crying) Look at me! I got colic!"
    • Marie and Frank arguing over how to cut an English muffin, of all things.
    Frank: I am not eating that!
    Marie: Eat that damn muffin.

The Lone Barone

  • One of the things Ray tells Robert when he's jealous of his single life is, "Why don't you spank a supermodel in front of me?" This gets a great Call-Back later in the episode, when Ray's trying to fix things by building up marriage to Robert:
    Ray: Look, the other day, I guess you came over here looking for advice about marriage and I wasn't really talking to you, you know. I was just kind of being funny.
    Robert: When were you funny?
    Ray: You know, the hostage thing, spanking a supermodel...
    Debra: What?!

No Fat

  • Marie is told she's close to the danger zone of having a heart attack, so she strives to eat healthy. She starts by makes tofu turkey for Thanksgiving, but nobody likes it. Ray has some actual turkey delivered to the house, which offends Marie. Debra takes it away from him. Later that night, Marie sneaks over to Ray and Debra's house and is caught eating the real turkey that Debra was going to give away. When Debra asks, "What about your diet?", we get this great exchange:
    Marie: What's the point of living longer if you're miserable, dear?
    Debra: I think that every day...
    • Not to mention the commentary about the tofu turkey:
    Robert: Look at how it... jiggles.
    Ray: (after being accused of not eating any yet) I did, from right here. You can't tell, 'cause it morphs back.
    Ray: It kinda starts off with an aftertaste, doesn't it?
    Marie: And the good thing is, you don't fall asleep after this meal.
    Frank: That's all I had left.
    • The Tofu Turkey is really the CMOF for the episode as it looks like the single most unappetizing item of food to ever appear on television. Frank and Ray are practically in tears after taking a bite, and when Robert tries some...
    Robert: I never thought I'd say this, but could you pass the broccoli, please?
    • When the turkey dinner arrives at Marie and Frank's house, the delivery guy asks "Is there a Ray Barone here?"
    Ray: No!ooooooooooohhhhhhhh… (signs for it) booooooyyyyy….
    • In the first act, when Marie keeps throwing unhealthy food from the fridge into a bag, Frank grabs the bag and then a fork, holding it like a weapon.
    Marie: Where are you going?!
    Frank: On a picnic! (backs out of the room)

The Apartment

  • Ray is amazed at all the beautiful women in Robert's apartment building. But he doesn't mention it to Debra for obvious reasons, claiming that he keeps going over to Robert's place because he needs help with repairs and that Robert's "touch and go, emotionally speaking". Frank is more direct: "I'm here for the broads."
    Marie: You know, Robby, I've never been in a hot tub. I should bring my suit next time.
    Frank: I think the building might bring a suit: Indecent exposure.
    Marie: All right.
    Frank: Inciting a riot.
    Marie: Frank.
    Frank: Water pollution.
    Marie: Why don't you go down in the hot tub? I'm sure the girls would love to watch a pot roast boil.
    • Marie mentions that Frank's turning Robert's old room into a "giant bathroom". He's thinking of putting in a hot tub as part of phase two. Getting Robert out was phase one. When Marie says they're leaving, he says "Onto phase three!" Gets a Brick Joke at the end of the episode when Ray, Robert and Frank try out the new hot tub. Marie comes in with bath bubbles and rubber ducks.

The Toaster

  • Ray finds his parents returned his Christmas gift, a toaster engraved with a message from his whole family, without opening it. After telling them what it said, Frank, who's not yet fully awake, replies, "It spoke?"
    • Ray says he can never please Marie and Frank with his Christmas presents:
    Ray: You know what? Any time I've ever given you a present, it's never been any good.
    Marie: That's not true.
    Ray: No?? The microwave.
    Marie: Well, that. We didn't need a microwave.
    Frank: And they're dangerous! What if I wanted to have more children?
    Ray: If God hasn't stopped you, the government will. What about the Fruit-of-the-Month Club?
    Marie: Oh that was insane! A year of fruit?! You know they still send me flyers wanting me to rejoin? (disgusted) And pictures of apricots!
    • In the same episode:
    Frank: Can't you ever just be quiet?!
    Marie: Don't you tell me to be quiet! I have a mind of my own you know! I can contribute! I'm not just some... trophy wife!
    [beat, Frank looks at Marie incredulously]
    Frank: You're a trophy wife? ...What contest in Hell did I win?
    • Shortly after that, the toaster in question is brought in by a woman whose son had bought it for her after Frank and Marie had returned it. Marie eagerly asks if she's planning to exchange it, to which the woman bluntly replies "Of course not, I got it from my son. What sort of mother would I be?"

Ping Pong

  • The Cold Open, which has no relation to the rest of the episode but is hilarious. Michael and Jeffrey throw Ray's golf clubs down the stairs, so Ray sits the duo down on the couch for a long talk:
    Ray: Do you know that that's Daddy's golf bag?
    Twins: (smiling) Yeah.
    Ray: Yeah, you do. Well, do you know what titanium is?
    Twins: Yeah.
    Ray: You know how hard Daddy works?
    Twins: (still smiling) Yeah.
    Ray: Don't you know golf is all Daddy has?
    Twins: Yeah.
    Ray: Yeah, smile. It's gonna be funny when we send you a postcard from Disneyland, isn't it?
    • During one of the ping pong games between Frank and Ray, Ray tells Marie to shut up in the heat of the moment, so she stops being his cheerleader and goes over to Frank's side of the table, leading to:
    Frank: I actually liked you on the other side better. Because the tilt of the basement was working in my favor.
    (an offended Marie abandons him)
    • The ending, with a ping pong match between Ray and Robert:
    Ray: Trash talk allowed, right?
    Robert: Bring it on.
    Ray: Zero serving zero, you experimented in camp. (hits the ball)
    (Robert drops his paddle and abandons the game)

Pants on Fire

  • This exchange after Ray's flashback:
    Marie: Did you smoke?
    Ray: ...Smoke WHAT?
    Marie: OH MY GOD!!!
    • And what follows:
    Marie: This is how I raised you? Didn't I tell you not to smoke? How many times did I tell you not to smoke, or drink, or do anything?!

Robert's Date

  • Robert tries to become "hip".
    Frank: Nice suit— where's Gladys and the other two Pips?
    Robert: All right, Dad!
    Frank: No, it's not all right! What the hell is going on with you? I'm talkin' to you on the phone the other day; I can't even understand what the hell you're saying anymore! What did you call me "dog" for?!
    Robert: That's a nice thing, Dad! You say it to your friends! That means I like you!
    Frank: Oh yeah? Well, from now on, I'm callin' you "Jackass"! That means he's great!
    Ray: (enters) Hey.
    Frank: Hey, "Ugly"!
    Ray: W-what's that all about?
    Frank: That's "Robert-Talk". That means you're good looking! (looks at Marie) Hey, good looking!
    • From the same episode, when Judy and her friends begin to get uncomfortable with Robert hanging around them because he's acting too "ethnic" (hint - Judy is black), she volunteers Ray to explain the situation to him. His response to Robert's dismay is pure gold.
    Robert: That is so whack!
    Ray: Right there, see? That's what I'm talking about. We're Italian, Robert. "Whack" means something else to us.
    • This bit:
    Ray: What are you doing?
    Robert: Ah, nothing, just here to help out Ally with her report on Harriet Tubman. (guilt-tripping) You know, it's Black History Month.
    Ray: Thank you... Super Fly.
    Robert: What?
    Ray: Nothing, it's just, uh, I never seen you so... stylin'.
    Robert: Just some new clothes, that's all. Gotta get out more, mah brutha.

Frank's Tribute

  • The awful editing job on Frank's "tribute" video (in actuality, they asked his old friends what they think about chocolate because nobody has anything nice to say about Frank), and Frank pointing it out afterwards:
    Frank: And what's with Correlli saying he likes me hot with marshmallows??
    Ray: I told you to get rid of that!
    Robert: It was cute!
    • After a fight with Marie, Frank falls asleep in front of the TV. A commercial wakes him up:
    Announcer: Did somebody say "sandwiches"?
    Frank: (talking in his sleep) Yes! (wakes up)

Cruising With Marie

Ray Home Alone

  • Ray asks his friends when the last time they cried was. Ray reveals that he did it recently when he saw the twins holding hands heading into preschool. Kevin revealed that he cried when watching Honey, I Shrunk the Kids because he didn't think his father would come looking for him. Gianni: "I'm gonna go home before you guys start making out."
    Ray: Come on. What, you can't take it, huh? You're wimps. What, you're not men?
    Gianni: Ray, you're the one that just told us you cry because you think your twins are gay.
    • Ray's "Uhhh who is it there?" to scare off what he thinks is a burglar.
    • When Ray gets back into bed, he turns on the TV (advice from Robert on how to fall asleep) and gets a nature show:
    Narrator: The mother decides to nurse its young under the cooling shade of a nearby tree. Unfortunately, that decision will cost the gazelle its life. The lion will catch her-
    Ray: (turns off the TV) No, no, no! Thanks, Robert! Stupid nature.
    (accidentally sits on Ally's doll from the start of the episode)
    Doll: NO NO NO NO!!! (high-pitched growl)
    Ray: Friggin' doll!
    • Ray is stoked about the outdoor jacuzzi at Robert's apartment: "Jacuzzi! Jacuzzi, jacuzzi, bubbles in my hiney!"
    • Pretty much the entirety of the third act, especially the scene where Ray and Robert hide in the closet, waiting to scare Frank. But they hesitate when it seems an upset Marie has entered the room as well, and Frank starts comforting her... Then Frank says, "Hey, you know what we haven't done in a while?" Ray and Robert bolt out of the closet in horror when Frank says, "Ohhhhhh yeeeaaaahhhhh...." But it turns out Frank was just talking to himself, as he knew they were in the closet the whole time.
    Frank: Got 'em again, Marie!
    Ray: YOU'RE A SICK MAN!!
    Robert: WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU!?!
    Ray: I'll tell you, I'll tell you what's wrong with him!! He's a SICK MAN!!
    • Also funny: When Marie finds out, she asks Ray and Robert if Frank scared them, and Robert replies, "Uh-huh..." in the tone of a little kid.

Big Shots

  • Robert puts his shoe-less feet on Ray's dashboard. Ray describes the smell as a "skunk that crawled out of the ass of another skunk."

Move Over

  • Ray covers for his not wanting Debra sleeping on him at night by saying his aversion to it probably stems from when he was a kid and shared a fold-out couch with Robert when they would stay over at Nonny Barone's apartment. When Ray's temporarily out of the room, Robert reveals that Nonny actually had a big house and they never shared a bed. Cue Ray coming back in:
    Ray: Okay, got some coffee and bag of Mom's homemade jelly doughnuts.
    Debra: Liar!
    Ray: ...Really. They're from scratch.
    • The scene where Ray visits Father Hubley for advice on Debra sleeping on him at night.
    Ray: I'm having trouble sleeping with her. Uh, wait a minute.
    Hubley: You have feelings for another woman?
    Ray: No, no, no.
    Hubley: A man?
    Ray: No! This is what the "wait a minute" is about. I mean sleep as in asleep.
    Hubley: Oh, you mean actually sleep.
    Ray: Yes! Thank you, yeah. You know, like, she's over here. (inches over on the couch) And then then she moves over here, you know? And I gotta move over here. And she touches me and then then she hugs and then she holds. Oh, believe me, you're better off without it.
    • He wants to try an exercise with Ray:
    Hubley: Uh, Raymond, I want you to close your eyes.
    Ray: Why?
    Hubley: Close them. Close them! Now. Try to imagine that you are Debra.
    Ray: (falsetto) "I need new shoes!"
    Hubley: (annoyed) As Debra, what is happening in your life that makes you want to cling to your husband in bed?
    Ray: ...Hold on, when I tap myself on this side, (taps his cheek) it sounds much more muffled than this side.
    Hubley: Open your eyes, Raymond. Open them, OPEN THEM!
    Ray: (opens eyes) Sorry, sorry. Hey, where's my wallet? Kidding!
    • Hubley gives Ray advice that he should show affection for Debra all day long. Ray takes it to the extreme when he comes home by kissing Debra a good seven times.
    Ray: What? I'm just trying to say hello to Debra.
    Frank: So say hello. Don't make a meal out of it!
    • The brief subplot where Ally brings Robert to her class for show-and-tell.
    Robert: So a policeman's job is to protect and to serve and to make all of us feel safe. I want to thank you for having me in for show and tell. And, uh, are there any questions?
    Boy 1: Are you a giant?
    Robert: Not really. Any questions about being a police officer? Yes, you.
    Girl: Could I climb on you?
    Robert: Uh, not right now. I think I have time for one more question.
    Boy 2: Are you going to eat us?

The Getaway

  • When Ray and Debra check into the bed-and-breakfast inn, they're informed that there's no TV in the room, and no bathroom either.
    Ray: Can I ask you something? What is in the room? Are we in the room right now?
    • Robert's babysitting the kids while Ray and Debra are on their weekend trip. Frank comes over and wants to know where the can openers are, yelling for Marie. Robert says she's not here- but she is, walking down the stairs having done some laundry.
    Marie: Would you stop yelling? The can opener is in the top drawer by the refrigerator.
    Frank: Thank you. See you Monday. (leaves)
    • The capper to that scene:
    Robert: Did you know she was here?
    Ally: (deadpan) Grandma's always here.

Working Girl

  • Debra announces she got hired part time:
    Debra: Hey, wouldn't it be nice to have a extra money? I mean, what if one of the kids wants to go to Harvard?
    (cut to one of the twins with a shoe in their mouth)
    Ray: I think that kid might be a little disappointed.
    • Moments later:
    Debra: Complain all you want. I'm doing this. Dream squasher.
    Ray: How about my dream, huh? The wife who doesn't want to go to work 'cause she's too tired from all the sex.

Be Nice

  • Ray tells Debra, "If there's anything else you need, let me know." The way Frank imitates him is hilarious.
    Frank: She's got your dice in a vice.
    • Marie, on being nice:
    Marie: So kindness isn't just what you say. Sometimes it's what you don't say. It's like, for instance, most of my friends, they do nothing but criticize their daughters-in-law. Me, no. I hold my tongue. Because restraint is important. Right, dear?
    Debra: (restraining herself) ...Yes.
    • After Marie says her motto is kindness:
    Frank: Hmm, that's a slightly different motto than... "BEHBEHBEHBEHBEHBEH!"
    • Frank, on being nice:
    Frank: You're playing with fire here. You gotta let steam off on each other. Because if you let it off on a stranger, he gets mad. He punches you. You punch him. He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. Guys jump in, war starts. It's a mess. The spouse is the perfect escape valve.
    Marie: He read that at our wedding.

Dancing With Debra

Robert Moves Back

How They Met

  • Ray doesn't catch Debra's signals:
    Debra: It looks like I've made too much food here, if you're hungry.
    Ray: Oh, yeah?
    Debra: Yeah, you want some?
    Ray: All right, yeah. Wrap it up; I'll eat it in the truck.
    • Earlier, Ray is trying to ask Debra out. Debra, who's been clued in to this by Gianni, tries to throw him a bone by suggesting that she'll be going for lunch the next day to the Chinese place they'd been talking about earlier.
    Debra: You talking about it made me really hungry for it!
    Ray: Oh, yeah? [beat] ...Actually, I just had Chinese today.
    Gianni: [weary] H'oh my god.
    • Robert answers the door and it's Debra. He's at first all smiles, until she says she's here for Ray.
    Robert: Of course you are. Ray! Girl!
    Marie: Lovely meeting you!
    [Debra leaves]
    Marie: [instantly] She's not the girl for you, Raymond.
    • Debra's first impression was a bit kinder, but Ray is under no illusions as to what she's in for.
    Debra: Your family seems nice.
    Ray: Yeah. Yeah, they seem nice.
    • The moment when Ray obliviously smacks Debra in the face when he opens the freezer door.

  • A Deleted Scene from the DVD has Ray and Deb in the bathroom; Ray is contemplating shaving the area between his eyebrows.
    Ray: Are you supposed to shave here?
    Debra: You... can if you want to.
    Ray: Well, what do you do?
    Debra: Sorry, I don't have that problem. I evolved. (Walks out)
    Ray: ... into a meaner person.

    Season 4 

Boob Job

  • The moment when Debra wants to show off her new implants, she warns him:
    Debra: You might wanna step back.
    Ray: YOU might wanna step back.
    • When Debra reveals that the "implants" were just socks stuffed in her night gown:
    Debra: I am so sick of this juvenile preoccupation with boob size and perkiness and cleavage and... I've had three kids, you know? These are not just for show. These were working breasts!
    Ray: Come on, honey. Oh, come on. You say that like they're retired. They're still useful. They can do some occasional consulting work.

The Can Opener

  • During Ray and Debra's argument about the can opener, Frank brings up a jar of fat.
    Debra: What jar of fat?
    (Ray and Robert groan in "here we go" tones)
    Marie: I'll tell you what jar of fat. It was beautiful. It was fat from pancetta and golden brown sausage. You'd have to be a cook to understand. (Debra looks annoyed) But it was months of carefully selecting only the best drippings to prepare meals for Il Duce.
    Frank: Yeah, you made all those meals just for me, and then you went out jogging.
    Marie: That was my kitchen! You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!
    Frank: That jar was for my coins. I needed that!
    Marie: You're selfish!
    Frank: Fat collector!
    • After Ray and Debra apologize to each other for their can opener argument:
    Frank: That's it? "Sorry"? That's all you got? At least when we fight, stuff comes out.
    Marie: (to Frank) Some of it will be coming out when we get home.

The Bet

  • Robert takes a chicken wing that's meant for Ray. He tries to hide it under his arm from Marie, but she's onto him: "Robby, chicken doesn't go there." (holds out hand for him to hand it over)
    • Frank, after a shave at the barber's: "Ah, I feel like a baby's butt."
    • Marie is suspicious of why Frank suddenly has a lot of money and is pleasant:
    Marie: He's fooling around.
    Ray: "Fooling around"? Come on.
    Marie: I'll tell you something, if that weasel thinks he can stay with me and keep some chippy on the side-
    Frank: (enters) Where's Ray?
    Marie: Who is it, Frank? Harriet Lickman?!

Sex Talk

  • Ray asks Robert how much he and Amy have sex. Robert refuses to answer, saying Amy wouldn't appreciate her name coming up in this type of conversation. Ray tells him not to use Amy's name then:
    Ray: How's it going with Gail?
    Robert: ...Could it not be "Gail"? Because I have a superior named Gail. She's a beast.
    • Frank, to Ray: "Listen, if you're having trouble making the wee-wacky-woo-hoo, you didn't get that from me!"
    • When Debra informs Ray that his sex drive is diminishing:
    Ray: (meekly) I'm still a... sex machine.
    • Pretty much the entire last act, especially these moments:
    • Debra walks in adamant about wanting the truth of how much Marie and Frank have sex, but gets skittish when they both stare at her.
    Debra: We've been getting some conflicting reports, so we want to know how often the two of you...
    Marie: ...Go to the theater?
    Debra: Have se-hex.
    Ray: (chuckles) Oh, this is as bad as it gets.
    • When Marie finally admits that she enjoys sex. Robert happens to walk in at that moment, and is weirded out. He then slowly walks out of the room as Marie keeps discussing it:
    Marie: It's obvious I'm a woman, and I have needs like any other woman. And if I'm still fortunate enough to enjoy the pleasures of sex, well then I'm going to!
    Robert: (from other room, annoyed) Oh God...
    • When Ray asks how Frank and Marie can have sex twice a week at their age, Frank responds, "Hey, I don't work anymore; what else do I gotta do?" Marie adds: "And you're forgetting the most important thing about the sex!" Debra worriedly remarks, "Oh God...", thinking Too Much Information is about to be shared.
    • Ray, upon leaving Marie and Frank's house after discussing sex:
    Ray: (looking down) Don't take this personal, but for the next six months, no eye contact.

The Will

The Sister

  • Ray and Debra are talking about how Debra's sister has become a nun, so Ray takes off his shirt, places it over his head like a nun veil, and starts singing "Dominique" in a goofy manner. Debra's sister comes in as he's doing this, and Ray is immediately self-conscious, proceeding to cover his nipples with his fingers.
    • Frank, to Jennifer:
    Frank: So, Sister Jennifer, may I ask you a question that's been on my mind for quite some time?
    Jennifer: Sure, Frank.
    Frank: It's a rare opportunity for me to talk to someone of your vocation, which leads me to my question: What do you gals wear under there?
    Ray: Dad!
    Frank: What? We can't discuss religion at the table?
    • When Debra's sister leaves the dinner table in a huff, Robert and Frank immediately stand up and make the "sign of the cross" gesture.

Cousin Gerard

  • This bit:
    Marie: I think you could do this one thing for me, while I'm still here...
    Ray: You mean, "in the basement"? (Marie looks offended)
    • Gerard patronizes Ally by doing the "got your nose" trick. Ally is not impressed and stares at Gerard for a second before asking Debra, "Mom, may I be excused?"
    • The whole scene where Ray "works on" Gerard to make him less like Ray, but especially the bit where Ray tries to teach Gerard how to say "now" without an accent:
    Gerard: Right nyow.
    Ray: All right, what does a cat say?
    Gerard: ...You mean a talking cat??

Debra's Workouts

  • When Ray says he had sex three times this week:
    Gianni: I think you're confusing sex with showering.
    • When Ray confronts Debra about being turned on after her workouts where a hunky guy is the exercise leader:
    Debra: What, so you're getting all paranoid because we had a little extra sex last week?
    Ray: Three times! Three times, right? You don't think that's out of the ordinary? I'm surprised it wasn't on the news.
    Debra: So you think I'm cheating on you with you? (gives a confused look)
    Ray: Put it however you want. You know what you're doing.
    Debra: You what? I'm tired. Could you just call yourself an idiot?

No Thanks

  • Ray's imitation of Marie:
    Ray: (falsetto voice) "Oh Debra, I envy you, the way you can just roll out of bed and put on anything and not even care!"
    • This moment:
    Debra: Listen, I know you weren't there today. But wouldn't you agree that sometimes, and I'm not saying all the time, but sometimes Marie can be critical of me?
    (Ray and Robert are petrified and wide-eyed, staying silent)
    Debra: Frank?
    (when Debra turns to Frank, he pretends to be asleep)
    Debra: COME ON!!!

Left Back

  • Ray can't sleep because he's having a confidence crisis, so he wakes up Debra for reassurance:
    Ray: Am I stupid?
    Debra: (deadpan) If this is your new way of asking for sex, then yes.

The Christmas Picture

  • Marie's passive-aggressiveness once she learns that Debra's parents are going to be in the picture is hilarious.
    Ray: Okay, how about this? We put her parents at the edge of the picture and later you can cut them out.
    Marie: It's all right, Raymond. I'm not feeling very well. Why don't you all take the picture without me?
    Ray: Mom, I did this for you, mom. I did it for you.
    Marie: I thought so too.
    • Robert is miffed that Amy isn't allowed in the picture unless they're married. So he doesn't change out of his police uniform as a protest.
    Ray: What are you doing? You said you were gonna change.
    Robert: I decided not to.
    • Robert imitating Ray after his freak out:
    Robert: "NOBODY TALK TO ME ANYMORE!"

What's With Robert?

  • Frank had a Gay Moment in the war.
    Frank: Our coats were insufficient. It was huddle or die!
    • This exchange:
    Robert: My parents think I'm gay!
    Ray: So what? If they tell everyone they know, that's four people.

Bully on the Bus

  • Ray, riding Ally's bus to school:
    Ray: (sitting next to a random kid) So, another day, huh? Another day, right?... Yeah, school sucks. Like math. Give me a break. When are you ever gonna use that? How 'bout never?
    Ray: At least I didn't turn out pushy and mean like...
    Debra: Who? Me? You think I'm pushy and mean?
    Ray: ...You wanna push me right now, don't ya?
    • Frank, to Ally, after discovering she was the one picking on other kids:
    Frank: "Ally bomaye! Ally bomaye!"
    • Ray and Robert coming up with chants about Debra.
    Robert: Debra, Debra, real good looking, / Never want to try her cooking.

The Prodigal Son

  • Ray comes into the living room wearing pajamas as the rest of the family is headed for church. Robert observes:
    Robert: You usually hide upstairs until we leave. A little more brazen in your blasphemy.
    • Ray defends why he doesn't go to church:
    Ray: Let me tell you something. I practice being a good person every day. Okay? I'm a decent fellow. I do good things. I always leave a big tip. If a squirrel runs in front of the car, do I not swerve? I'm considerate of people's feelings. Remember the plumber who came over with the big eye? I treated him like a completely normal person. Okay? So, so, so why do I have to go to church every Sunday to prove my goodness? I'm living it!
    Debra: Well, since you are so good during the week, maybe on Sundays we should have everybody come over here and sit around you.
    • Father Hubley in general. When Frank announces to Hubley that Ray's coming back to the church, Hubley skeptically asks, "...Really?" And when Hubley's about to go back into the church, he flashes Ray a quick, fake smile in-between his trademark frown.
    • Frank, to Ray on going to Hell because he refuses to go to church: "Don't worry. It's a DRY heat." (smiles)

Robert's Rodeo

  • The episode starts off on a serious note: Robert is injured on the job and is hospitalized. Then of course we find out the nature of the injury was that he was gored by a bull in the ass.
    • "Upper thigh."
    • Robert tells them the story from his hospital bed. The story is hilarious in and of itself but special mention to Marie's interruption when Robert gets to the part where the Bull chases him.
    Marie: Did you get away?
    Robert: (just stares at Marie for about a minute). Where are we, Ma?
    • Frank almost immediately follows up with this:
    • This amazingly embarrassing line, from the nurse in the room: "I'm gonna get you a bigger seepage pad."
    • Debra admonishes Ray for cracking jokes about Robert's injury:
    Debra: Do you realize, in a group that includes your father, you're being the most insensitive?!
    Ray: Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with dad, he must be tired. Come on. He's okay! Laughter is the best medicine, right? I'm keeping it loose, I'm keeping it light.
    Debra: How about keeping it shut?
    • After Ray changes Robert's bandage:
    Ray: Hey, where are my keys? (Robert laughs along with him)

The Tenth Anniversary

  • Ray forgets to write new wedding vows, and apologizes to a disappointed Debra in front of everyone. Things look grim until Ray mentions how much hard work he put into the renewal ceremony, including trying to get lilies of the valley (Debra's favorite flower). Debra immediately warms up, saying "You remembered my flower." Ray, still upset, says "I ordered 'em, but the DAMN FLORIST, he didn't bring it!" When Father Hubley notices Debra's big smile, he anxiously tells Ray, "Kiss the bride. Kiss her! Kiss her now!" Ray obliges.
    • During the same scene, Ray mentioning that Robert's taping the ceremony and they'll be able to enjoy it later. Cut to a petrified, wide-eyed Robert, who clearly wasn't informed.
    Robert: You didn't tell me to tape it...
    • The Stinger, where Ray and his friends are watching the Super Bowl game that was taped over Ray and Debra's wedding. But right before the final field goal, it cuts back to the wedding ceremony: "I do." Cue anger from Ray's buddies.
    Ray: (annoyed) He missed it, all right? We know he missed it! We know what happens, all right?!

Hackidu

  • Marie displays her uncanny knowledge of a children's card game.
    Marie: What card did she have?
    Ray: I don't know... Scrami-something-or-other...
    Marie: A Scramisaur?
    Debra: You know about this stuff?
    Marie: A little. Scramisaur is the fastest creature on Hackidu Mountain. He starts off as a Slugglewog, very slow, and he can only evolve into Scramisaur if he gets the Sonic Crystal. That's why Scramisaurs are so rare and valuable.
    [beat, everyone stares]
    Marie: I'm Grandma. I have this, and candy.
    • Ray wants to buy a Scramisaur from Russell. He initially refuses, saying that Hackidu is "kiddy crack". Finally he relents when Ray agrees to buy some comics as well.
    Russell: Have you even given comic books a chance?
    Ray: Do you have a Scramisaur?
    Russell: ...I might.
    Ray: ...All right, I'm buying some comic books.
    Russell: There ya go. You see, kids have such wonderful open minds. They need to be shown-
    Ray: (quickly grabs some comics) Yeah, okay, all right, I'll take these right here.
    Russell: Ooh, some excellent choices. This one's a classic. You know, your daughter is gonna love-
    Ray: Where's the Scramisaur?!
    Russell: (pulls out a briefcase which has the card in it) Here you are, my friend. Mint condition, no creases.
    Ray: (grabbing for it) Thank you.
    Russell: (pulling it back) Uh-uh-uh! Let's have a little smile. (Ray struggles to produce a phony smile) That's what it's all about, man. Your total is $289.50.
    • When Ray brings back some comics for Ally, Robert peruses what he bought and finds Little Lotta:
    Robert: (laughs) Look how fat she is.

Debra Makes Something Good

  • Frank "cheating" on Marie with Debranote , even coming to the house with flowers for her.
    Frank: Anyone who can make braciole like this deserves a whole hillside full of heavenly-scented marigolds and daffodils.
    • Debra purposefully spills sauce on Ray's pants. Marie comes over before he's changed and says she's going to wash them, and tells him to take them off. Ray doesn't want to, but Marie will have none of it:
    Marie: TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS!!!
    • Later, Robert accidentally sits in the same sauce and Marie wants his pants too:
    Ray: Don't fight it, man. Don't fight it.

Marie and Frank's New Friends

  • Debra encourages Marie and Frank to host parties now that their house is paid off. They're initially less than enthusiastic:
    Frank: I got all the friends I need right here. (holds up TV remote)
    Marie: You see, Debra? I would love to start entertaining again, but if we have guests, what am I supposed to do with this? (Frank)
    • This bit:
    Robert: Hey, where's the candy? The kids want some candy.
    Debra: The kids know they're not supposed to have candy at night.
    Robert: Okay. (Beat) I want candy.
    • The moment when Debra pushes Ray back up the stairs when she sees Marie, Frank, and the Stipes waiting for them downstairs, hoping to get out of sight before they see them. It fails spectacularly.
    • Seth, the Stipes' son, meets Ray and says he has a similar writing style to Ray:
    Seth: Well, mostly in internet chat rooms, and I call in to all the sports radio shows. You probably heard me: "Seth from Massapequa."
    • When Ray gives Seth his opinion on sportswriting, Harry Stipe tells Seth, "Now thats a pro, son. That's why you're still on that internet!"
    • The Running Gag of the Stipes ignoring Robert, even when Robert tells of his upper thigh injury. Then when Harry asks him to take a group picture, he calls him "Rodney". Robert retaliates by framing the picture so that Ray's head is out of frame.
    Robert: A common misconception is that a bull will charge when shown the color red. (Harry looks bored out of his mind) Actually, it's based on motion.
    Harry: (noticing Ray's walked back in the room) Ray! Thank God!
    • The ending of the episode, where a visibly uncomfortable Ray dances with old ladies at the VFW.

Alone Time

  • Ray bursting out laughing when Debra brings up Ally's birth to get him to cry. Moments later, she tries another approach to get him to cry: Bringing up the time as a kid when his parents gave his dog away.
    Debra: How did that make you feel?
    Ray: Shut up.
    Debra: Uh-huh. How'd you feel about that, Ray, huh? What was your dog's name? Shamsky Number One, wasn't it? They gave your dog away.
    (after a beat, Ray delivers a sarcastic "Boo hoo hoo")

Someon's Cranky

  • Ray is forced by Frank and Marie to talk to a cranky Robert to try and cheer him up. He fails, and before he leaves he defiantly sticks his finger in the Fruit Loops he's eating. He reports back:
    • This bit when Robert decides to finish his injury recovery in his own apartment because Frank and Marie are driving him insane:
    Robert: I'll be back for my personal effects tomorrow.
    Frank: Take your time!
    Robert: I'M OUTTA HERE!!! (leaves, but quickly comes back in) You gotta move your car, it's blocking me.
    Frank: MY PLEASURE! Marie, move the car.
    Marie: I don't have your keys.
    Frank: I don't have them. You're always hiding them.
    Marie: Nobody hides your keys, Frank. If you just put them on the hook where they belong!
    Frank: Don't tell me to put them on the hook. I hate putting them on the hook!
    Marie: Are your pants upstairs?
    Frank: I don't leave my keys in my pants. How about the time you left them in the front door, senile?
    Marie: How about the time you had them in your hands. ("dumb" voice) "Where are my keys? Where are my keys?"
    Robert: All right, all right, wait, I forgot. I had them. And here's your "TV Guide" and here's your big spoon.Note 
    • Debra brings a cake to Robert's apartment. Marie offers her opinion:
    Marie: Oh. Is that the cake you made?
    Debra: You know, you could have made one, Marie.
    Marie: The way Robert's behaving? No, he doesn't deserve one of my cakes. This is perfect.
    • Debra's imitation of Marie and Frank.
    Debra: "Hello, dear." "Holy crap." "Hello, dear." "Holy crap."
    • At the end of the episode, after Debra gets Robert to realize what an ass he's been, he breaks down crying, and when he composes him and leaves the bedroom:
    Robert: Hey, everybody. Just wanted to, um apologize for the way I've been lately. Debra talked to me, and, uh I'm actually feeling better now, so if you can all forgive me, I'm glad you came over and, uh, let's have some cake.
    Frank: Was that you crying in there?

Bad Moon Rising

  • Robert and Gianni recommend Ray get PMS pills for Debra after one of her episodes.
    Ray: I wouldn't know what to get...
    Gianni: Get 'em all.
  • After Ray plays an audio recording of Debra yelling at Ray, Debra is hurt and tells him, "You are a gigantic ass!", leaving the bedroom. Ray follows, quietly speaking into the tape recorder, "10:32: "Gigantic ass"."

Confronting the Attacker

  • A fully-recovered Robert confronts the bull that gored him months ago:
    Robert: Hey. Remember me? You ran into me a few months ago. Actually, it was more than that. You gored me. You ran after me, you caught up, and you gored me. Right in the ass! That's right. Why'd you do it, huh? You damn bull!
    Ray: Robert, Robert, I know I know we're outside, but inside voice.
    Robert: All right. Look, you were probably just going on instinct. But you really screwed things up for me. I got famous 'cause of you. And not the good kind of famous. The kind of famous where people point at your butt and laugh. I was in the hospital. That's right. I had to sit on a special pillow. I don't know where your parents are right now, but how would you like to have to go and live with them for awhile? My father has always been a very insensitive man. And my mother, well, there's really not enough time -
    Ray: Hey, Robert, you should probably-
    Robert: I want him to know.

Robert's Divorce

  • It's revealed that Robert's ex-wife's maiden name is "Glotz", and she was a pole dancer under the nickname "Cinnamon".
    Frank: (confused) "Cinnamon Glotz"?
    • This moment during the flashback when Marie and Frank walk into Ray and Debra's new home:
    Ray: Hey, I told you two, you can't come in here anymore if you don't knock.
    Frank: (whatever tone) Gotcha. (to Robert) Hey, your old lady's looking for you.

    Season 5 

Italy Part 1

  • When the free trip to Italy is announced, Ray is oddly less than thrilled:
    Ray: I don't know. I'm not really interested in other cultures.
    Debra: Okay, you know, in the past, your...dumbness...has gotten in the way of just like a few things that I've wanted to do. The book club, theater, having conversations. But I just wanna say this one thing, and we won't have to discuss it anymore: You're not blowing this for me, pal!
    • Ray grumbles while taking a bath:
    Ray: (holding shower head) I hate this damn thing. The spray has no pressure. It's like a third-world country. Stupid place.
    Debra: Would you lighten up? Look where we are.
    Ray: I am looking. I'm taking a bath like Columbus. How about that Giorgio guy?
    Debra: What?
    Ray: I saw him drinking my Listerine, that's what. Whole place is annoying. You gotta change money. That's a scam. Nobody sees that? How could they not see that?
    • In the same scene, Ray getting washed by Aunt Colleta.
    • Frank and Giorgio bonding.
    Giorgio: I'm glad you're here. Is better. Not so much "meh-meh-meh-meh-meh."
    Frank: (confused) What?
    Giorgio: (looks around to make sure they're alone, then makes "talking" motion with his hand) "Meh-meh-meh-meh-meh."
    Frank: (grinning) Oh, I get it, yeah! (makes the same motion) "Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah!"
    Giorgio: "Bah-bah-bah-bah!"
    Frank: "Meh-meh-meh-meh!"
    (the two laugh, clink their glasses and drink)
    Colleta: (in Italian) Giorgio! What are you doing?! You're spilling on the table! You're a pig!
    Giorgio: (in Italian) Yes, my sweet. Sorry. (to Frank while Colleta's back is turned) Bah-bah-bah-bah.

Italy Part 2

  • Robert tries to get on Marco's good side by speaking to him in Italian about how much he loves and respects Stefania. Marco responds in English: "I don't like you."

Wallpaper

Meant to Be

  • When Marie tries to get Robert and Amy back together:
    Robert: Would you let it go, all right?! It's my life! I'll do what I want! (leaves)
    Marie: Who's been telling him it's his life?

Pet Cemetery

  • Ray: "No talking. Hamster funeral."

The Author

  • Ray gets rejected by a publishing company at the same time Robert gets promoted to Lieutenant. Rather than congratulating him, Ray gets into an argument that escalates in a very hilarious fight. One moment has Ray trying to take Robert's shoe off, before realizing how dangerously close his face is to Robert's smelly foot.
    • Before that, Robert insults Ray for his book getting rejected:
    Robert: 'Cause I was thinking, Ray, that a lot of books get published that suck. So, for your book not to get published, woo, that's gotta be off-the-charts suck.
    • Ray pushes Robert onto the couch:
    Robert: You ripped my sweater.
    Ray: Good. By the way, the itchy part is from me.
    • The ending, where Ray and Robert throw Bugles at Frank, who's asleep with his mouth wide open. Debra initially thinks it's stupid and starts to walk by... but then gets in on the fun herself. When Frank wakes up, he's understandably baffled by his shirt covered in Bugles.
    Frank: What's the score?
    Ray: It's tied.

The Walk to the Door

  • This bit:
    Ray: (to Debra) I regret not loving you more. Yes, you deserve all the love that can fit in the ocean.
    (Frank laughs)
    Marie: I thought that was beautiful, Frank. Why can't you say something like that to me?
    Frank: All right. (clears throat) I would love it if you were in the ocean.
    • Debra demands Ray tell her a regret he has about the way he treated her. He mentions how one time years ago, they were at a party and Debra told a story and nobody laughed, including Ray. A few minutes later, Robert comes back to the table and tells the same story about him and ex-wife Joanne.
    Debra: (to Ray) You used his regret?! You couldn't come up with one of your own, so you had to steal his regret?! YOU STOLE HIS REGRET?!
    • Ray wants Debra to give an example of things he should regret.
    Debra: Where do you want me to start?
    Robert: At the beginning.

Young Girl

  • All of Frank's blatantly obvious flirting with Robert's 22-year old (really 19-year old) girlfriend.
    Marie: Happy birthday, Frank. You are now, officially, a dirty old man.
    • Also funny is Marie shouting at Frank, acting like he's hard to hearing:
    Marie: FRAAAANK, IT'S TIME TO SIT. I MADE YOU A CAKE. WOULD YOU LIKE HELP GETTING INTO YOUR SEAT?

Fighting In-Laws

  • Warren and Lois' imitations of each other.
    • Lois says that going to couple's therapy in New Jersey is like getting "shot and then hung."
    • Earlier in the episode, Warren mentions that he likes to sleep "au natural". Since he's sleeping in Ray and Debra's bed, he tests out their pillow by putting it between his thighs: "This'll be great for my hip." A few scenes later, when Ray can't sleep, he tells Debra:
    Ray: You know if you listen real careful, you can hear my pillow screaming.
    • Debra, to Ray: "Listen. If my parents lit an orphanage on fire on CHRISTMAS EVE, they wouldn't be as bad as your parents!" Then she drops the turkey on the floor and sloppily shoves it in the oven.
    Ray: (after she leaves) I always wondered where the flavor came from.
    • Marie, to the kids who run past her: "No running on Thanksgiving."

The Sneeze

  • The guy in the airport who sneezes on Ray, doing it in the most over-the-top way imaginable. And when told about it, Marie offers her medical opinion:
    Marie: Someone sneezed at you in the airport? You could have anything from anywhere.
    • Debra, taking care of Ray while he's sick:
    Debra: Can I give you a back rub or something?
    Ray: What's the "something"?
    Debra: (annoyed) A back rub.
    • When Ray is sick in bed:
    Ray: Ma tell you about the guy sneezing on me?
    Frank: (unsympathetically) Yeah yeah, Shirley.
    • Robert, Andy, and Gianni come to visit Ray and feed him pizza, getting him all hyper. Soon Ray is out of bed, playing impromptu basketball. Debra observes that he's all better, and Ray thinks it's probably just a "pizza high".
    • Marie "leading the witness".
    Marie: What else do you feel? Are you achy?
    Ray: I don't know.
    Marie: Where, in the chest or your legs?
    Ray: Both, actually both.
    Marie: What about coughing? Are you coughing?
    Ray: (weak cough) A little bit.
    Debra: All right, that's enough! I can't take this anymore.
    • Debra rants to Marie and Ray about how sick in the head they are, and declares Ray perfectly healthy. The phone rings and it's the doctor's office: "Get back into bed, you've got strep throat." Even better, moments later Ray asks for ice cream:
    Debra: (resigned) Chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry?
    Ray: Could you mix all three?

Christmas Present

  • Marie inquires about the DVD player that Ray received:
    Marie: What is a DVD player?
    Ray: Come on, not now, mom.
    Marie: Is it for pornography?
    Debra: Yes, Marie, I got Ray a PORN machine for Christmas.
    Marie: I don't like that, Debra.
    • When Ray shakes his hands while holding an egg beater, he accidentally flicks chocolate onto Debra's face. She takes the beater away from him and throws it in the sink. Marie immediately replenishes Ray with a fresh beater.

What Good Are You?

  • After Debra chokes and Ray just sits there:
    Debra: Y'know, is it too much to ask for you to save my life once in a while? I mean, I think it's the least you could do.
    • Ray, during their argument about how to do the Heimlich maneuver:
    Ray: (sultry) Listen, my specialty happens to be mouth-to-mouth.
    • Ray and Nemo's brief scene together:
    Ray: Hey Nemo, Do you know what to do if somebody's choking?
    Nemo: Change the special.
    • While at the pizza place, Ray is repeatedly teased by Andy, Gianni, and Robert. In one instance:
    Ray: I don't want to be taken care of.
    (Robert laughs)
    Ray: (annoyed) What are you laughing at?
    Robert: I'm just noting the irony in your statement in the light of the fact that you live across the street from your mother.
    Ray: (can't believe what he's hearing) What are you talking about?! You lived there for 35 years!
    Robert: (shaking fingers) Lived! Lived! Past tense! I'm now miles away from them. 1.38 miles.
    • This bit from Andy:
    Andy: I do just fine with the ladies. They think I'm cuddly and cute, and when they poke me, I go "Hee hee hee hee hee!"
    (after a beat, Gianni pokes Andy in the stomach)
    Andy: Hee hee hee hee hee!... What, did you think I wasn't gonna back it up?
    • After Ray defends himself by saying that (unlike Gianni) he has the right amount of body hair in just the right places:
    Robert: I'm sure that was a comforting thought before she passed out: "Raymond's so smooth, like a hairless cat." (goes bug-eyed and pretends to pass out from choking)

Super Bowl

  • After Ray gives Gianni his second Super Bowl ticket, he just stands with his back to an upset Frank and Robert, afraid to turn around.
    Ray: They still looking at me?
    Debra: Oh yeah.
    (...)
    Ray: Would you mind distracting them with some nudity?
    • Robert, to Ray:
    Robert: Why don't you get one of those giant foam fingers and wave it in the air? 'Cause you're number one, Raymond, YOU'RE NUMBER ONE! But remember this: One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.
    • Ray notices that everyone but him brought their wives to the Super Bowl. So it's a little awkward when Gianni returns with frozen yogurt and announces: "Here ya go, Raymie. Got you sprinkles."
    • Before Ray invites Debra to the Super Bowl, he tells a lie to her friends that she got hit in the eye by a flute so that's why she couldn't go. When Debra shows up at the hotel, the friend is there and her first question to Debra is, "How's your eye?" Ray quickly changes the subject.
    • Ray wants to have sex with Debra in the hotel; he says, "Before you make your decision, lemme throw this into the mix: (removes flannel shirt, flexes his arms)
    Debra: Come here.
    Ray: You are drunk.
    Debra: Oh, yes.
    • The ending, where Ray and Debra watch the Super Bowl in their hotel room Note . The camera does a slow zoom out to reveal Gianni also in the hotel room, angrily and silently staring at Ray for what he did.

Ray's Journal

  • Ray reveals his secret journal language to Debra by saying "Y-oka, my e-wif." When Debra chuckles at how easy that is to crack, she says, "It's not at all... e-lam." And follows it with: "Good night, my little... ass-jack."
    Ray: That's not even how you do it, okay? It's not the whole word. It's just the letter. It's "s-jacka".
  • Marie gets Ray to amend his journal from when he was a teenager from "I hate my mom" to "I love my mom".
    Marie: (like it's a legal contract) And can you date it here? And initial here?

Silent Partners

  • "Imagine a rain so beautiful, it must never have existed."
    Ray: What does that mean?! What does that mean? Tell me, right now, what does that mean?
    Robert: (laughs) I don't know.
    Ray: Yeah. Because it's nonsense talk. You have to close this book.
    Robert: Yeah, looks like little Raymie can't watch the game. He's got homework.
    • Ray invites Frank and Robert over so that he doesn't have to talk with Debra. She wanted to watch the game alone with Ray, so she's unprepared:
    Debra: Are you here for the game, Frank?
    Frank: No, the sparkling conversation.
    (Robert chuckles)
    Frank: Okay, come on, move your ass!
    Ray: Hey, dad!
    Frank: Sorry, step lively.
    • In the third act, Ray and Debra observe Marie and Frank eating silently but picking up on each others' nonverbal cues. Debra thinks it's sweet, until Marie walks out of the kitchen:
    Marie: (weary) I can't look at him eat anymore.

Fairies

  • Everyone on Frank's case because he is against Michael and Jeffrey being fairies in the school play. During the scene, Ray asks, "What is that smell?!"
    Marie: He didn't shower today, so he used my Jean Nate.
    Frank: What?!
    Marie: You never look at what you're picking up in there.
    Ray: Really? You're wearing perfume, Dad?
    Frank: Shut up!
    Robert: You do smell purty, Pa!
    Frank: Well, I'm not so sure I like the way I'm being treated here. If any of you want to apologize to me, I'll be in the bath! (storms out)
    • Earlier in the same scene, when Robert shared a similar story about how he quit chorus in the seventh grade, and began singing to piss Frank off:
    Frank: ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH! That's how it starts!
    Robert: What?
    Frank: Singing, dancing!
    Robert: Showering regularly!
    Frank: Why don't you go hang some drapes?
    Marie: Stop it, Frank. I was so sad when he quit chorus.
    Robert: I had to. Everyone was making fun of me.
    Marie: That's why you quit? I don't remember anybody making fun of you.
    Robert: Dad told me people were making fun of me.
    Marie: What people? Who?
    Frank: People.
    Marie: What people?
    Frank: (evasive) People... within the community.
    Robert: It was just you, wasn't it, Dad?
    Frank: I represent the community!
    • And this exchange:
    Frank: You're fine with your kids dressing up like fairies in front of all of Long Island to see?
    Ray: First of all, it's not all of Long Island, there's forty people in the school's café-gym-a-torium. All right? Second, do you hear yourself? Aren't you embarrassed to talk that way?
    Frank: What way?
    Ray: You know, your old stupid ideas that you and your lodge buddies sit around and laugh at between bouts of gas.
    • The scene where Ray gets new parts for the twins: As boulders (Debra: "Ray, you made them scenery!").
    Ray: Well listen, maybe Ms. Sarah will let you have candy under there.
    Debra: Ray, take them back.
    Ray: How would you guys like a puppy under there?
    Debra: Ray!
    Ray: (to Debra) ALL RIGHT!!!
    • When Ray desperately tries to get Michael and Jeffrey to perform well as fairies so they can get back into the show. They fail spectacularly (they run around and scream).
    Ray: That's not funny, all right? It's gonna be funny when you're up there and you're the worst fairies of the play. Is that gonna be funny? Come on. I've seen the other fairies, guys, they put you away.
    • Backstage before the play, Ray's getting the twins ready for their performance and another kid in a lion costume is near them:

Stefania Arrives

  • Debra wonders if Robert and Stefania can just be friends. Frank deadpans: "That broad ain't built for friendship."
    • The Running Gag of Stefania liking hot dogs, to the point where it annoys Robert.
    Robert: I've got pretzel nuggets...
    Stefania: (from living room) I like hot dogs.
    Robert: (splits bag open) PRETZEL NUGGETS!!!
    • When Robert tries to break up with Stefania, he finally admits the truth: He finds her annoying.
    Stefania: (seemingly offended tone of voice) "Annoying"?!... What does this mean: "Annoying"?
    • When Robert reveals he wants to break up with Stefania, Marie thinks he should just stay with her because he's not getting any younger, and adds:
    Marie: And I read, you know, that as men get older, their sperm production-
    Robert: (hitting table) Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma!
    Ray: Back it up.
    Marie: Please. It's science.

Humm Vac

  • When Ray willingly uses the Humm Vac to vacuum, Debra says, "I have never been more attracted to you in my entire life."
    • Debra tries to prove that Marie needs the Humm Vac as much as herself- just as she's about to show Marie the bowl after vacuuming around the couch ("It's what we call the "wow factor""), the water in the bowl is clear, much to Debra's frustration.
    Marie: That water looks very clean. Wow!
    • Debra grabs a potted plant to dump some dirt, she's annoyed to find: "Plastic. It's PLASTIC!"
    • After being guilt-tripped by the family, Marie decides to take the plastic off the couch for the first time, ever. Frank, Robert, and Ray hesitate to sit on it without the plastic, and Debra snaps: "Would you SIT? It's a COUCH!" Then after a brief moment of the three enjoying the couch (Robert: "I feel a little naughty."), Frank accidentally spills chips and the whole mood is ruined.

The Canister

  • The whole thing. But particularly Debra's "what if" speech to Ray and Robert if she returns Marie's borrowed canister (which Debra had thought returned):
    Debra: Nobody's gonna stop me?! Nobody cares what happens to me? Or or not even to me, but let's just say I bring this thing back, and you know, she thinks she's always right. And she has more power than ever. Like when you (to Robert) say, "Mom, I don't want to marry that girl. I think you're wrong about her." "Oh? Was I wrong about the CANISTER?" Or you, (to Ray) when you say, "Mom, you know, I don't think you should move in with us now that dad has passed." "Oh, have you forgotten about the CANISTER?!"
    • After Debra throws out the canister:
    Ray: Devil, thy name is woman.
    • At the start of act two, just as Ray and Debra are about to go over to Frank and Marie's, the canister, which Debra threw away in the last act, suddenly falls down the stairs. Even funnier is when one of the twins kicks it. It turns out Michael and Jeffrey found it in the trash (they were looking for Easter eggs).
    Ray: (to Debra) All right, look. You have to give this back now, okay? It's come back twice, it's, it's like a sign. It's like when you think the movie's over and then the hand comes up!
    • Ray is hiding the canister inside a really puffy winter coat. Marie inquires why he's wearing such a coat at Easter:
    Ray: I just think this is a really bitchin' jacket!
    Marie: That's not Easter language.
    • When Ray and Robert are hugging (to conceal the canister between them):
    Marie: (overjoyed) Frank, come look! Our sons are hugging!
    Frank: (from other room) You want me to get the hose?
    • When Marie leaves the room, Debra comes back out and is infuriated that they haven't hid the canister yet. She grabs it and observes: "Why is this hot?"
    • Frank, upon seeing that Debra has the canister:
    Frank: Give your heart to God, because your ass is Marie's.

Net Worth

  • Ray invests in a Go-Kart park without Debra's permission; he already gave Scott and Walter $1,000 but wants the check back when he finds she's not on board.
    Scott: Oh, yeah, the deposit. Yeah, it's gone.
    Ray: What do you mean, gone?
    Scott: Well, you know, spent it on the whole presentation. The suit, the easel. (holding his tie) This is new.
    • In the same scene:
    Walter: Oh man, your wife sucks.
    • When Debra is upset at Ray for investing in the Go-Kart park, Ray tried to rope Robert into it by saying he invested too:
    Debra: Hey, Robert can spend his money how he wants. He's not married, he's alone.
    Robert: Doo-dah, doo-dah...
    • Later, Robert mentions that he dated a woman who determined a person's net worth if they were to pass away. Debra passes with flying colors, while Ray barely has anything to his name:
    Ray: Who would win between me and Debra?
    Robert: Well, we're talking about death here, Raymond. There's really no winning.
    Debra: Okay, yeah, who's worth more?
    Robert: It's a little complicated. I mean, a jury could look at almost anything. For example, did you know that they're more sympathetic to an attractive person?
    Frank: Say good night, Ray-mo.
    Robert: I'm sure if Debra's life was presented to a jury, they would see that she was very active. That she worked out, she was healthy, spirited, she had a zest for life.
    Ray: Got it!
    Robert: And they would also be more sympathetic to Debra because she is the primary caregiver and nurturer.
    Debra: I win.
    Ray: Wait wait a minute, wait a minute, what about me?
    Robert: Well, Raymond, I guess you're the financial provider.
    Ray: Damn straight. I make the cheddar, baby. Yeah. What else?
    Robert: Ummmmm....... (high-pitched and raspy) I dunno.
    • Marie reveals that she's been secretly using some of Frank's money to give books to kids in South America (Robert: "He didn't like giving US books."). Marie said that any time Frank got suspicious, she'd cook him a huge meal and he'd forget about it. Gets a Brick Joke in the epilogue:
    Frank: (holding a letter) Hey, Marie! Who the hell is Miguel Velasquez? And what is this crap he's saying about Curious George?
    Marie: (enters the living room) I got turkey tetrazzini.
    Frank: (perks up) Ooh, hey! (sits down to eat; Marie snatches the letter from Frank's hands and leaves the room)

Let's Fix Robert

  • Ray goes to pick up a pizza, and we get this:
    Ray: Hey, Mr. Fogagnolo. Is my pizza ready?
    Marco: It's ready when I say it's ready.
    Ray: (intimidated) ...That's a good policy.

Say Uncle

Separation

  • A great Mood Whiplash when Debra opens up about her parents separating:
    Debra: Why is she doing this? I mean, my parents being together I mean, I have counted on that my whole life. Through school and college and then struggling after college, you know, when I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going, at least I had... Their marriage was like a rock, the one solid rock for me.
    Ray: Well maybe it was more like a stone, okay? And now it has passed.
    • Followed by Ray's remark to Debra after she calls him an idiot, "I'm willing to overlook it, because I understand: You're the child of a broken home."

Frank Paints the House

  • When Ray finds Robert is painting Ray's house with Frank:
    Ray: Oh, come on! You too?
    Robert: Ma said we had to.
    Ray: So, you do everything Ma tells you?
    Robert: It's a little late for rebellion, Raymond.
    • In the same scene:
    Marie: Just let him do this. Ever since Frank's retired, he's around all the time.
    Ray: That's what happens when you retire.
    Marie: I know, but I never thought he'd live this long.
    • When Marie defends Frank after Ray "fires" him from painting their house:
    Marie: You don't think he cares about you? He's your father. He just isn't good at...
    Ray: Living among humans.
    Marie: You know, I think you're the only one who thinks you're funny.
    Robert: Amen to that.
    • Frank's doing a puzzle after being fired from painting the house. Ray notices it's of General Stonewall Jackson.
    Frank: Very interesting figure in history. Considered the Confederacy's finest general. Shot by one of his own men. (gives Ray a Death Glare)
    • The ending, where Marie accidentally gets sprayed with paint. Frank walks by and notes, "That's gonna need another coat."

Ally's Birth

  • Debra and Ray are having trouble conceiving, and the two are having sex virtually every night to increase their odds. Before one instance:
    Ray: We've been having sex every day for the last three months. I'm starting to feel like a piece of meat.
    • When Debra finally gets pregnant, she tries to tell Ray privately in the hall, but Marie keeps trying to join them. After holding the door, Debra admits defeat: "I'm pregnant!" Immediately, Marie opens the door and runs at Ray for a hug: "PREGNANT!!! DEBRA'S PREGNANT!!!"
    • A heavily pregnant (and irritable) Debra gets up to go to the bathroom; Ray blows her a kiss, and she "catches" it and then "throws" it on the floor.
    • Debra's water breaks, but she doesn't want Marie to find out. Just as she, Ray, and Robert are about to leave for the hospital, Marie walks in. Frank helps them out by telling her, "Marie, you should stay here. (...) 'Cause then you and I could have some alone time." Marie skeptically replies, "Really?" Frank does a solemn, slow nod that's hilarious.
    • After Debra gives birth, they invite the family in. Frank and Robert go see the baby, but Marie curiously hangs back, saying "I see it. Very nice."
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    Season 6 

The Angry Family

  • When the class is reading their stories to the parents:
    Teacher: And now we have Ian.
    Frank: (annoyed) Oh crap...
    • Michael reads his story:
    Michael: "The Angry Family. The daddy was mad at the mommy. The mommy was mad at the daddy. The mommy and daddy were very mad at the grandpa. The grandma got mad at everybody."
    Marie: I did not!

No Roll

  • When Debra and Ray are playing Sensuopoly, one of the squares instructs Ray to tell something about himself that Debra doesn't know. Ray's response? "I'm back from Everest!" (lunges at Debra)
    • Another square instructs Ray and Debra to look into each others' eyes, without blinking, for three minutes ("You know how long three minutes is? It's LONG. Ask an egg."). After about thirty seconds, Ray pipes up: " I don't think we're getting what's intended here, 'cause you're startin' to look like the devil." Cue Rage Quit from Debra.

Odd Man Out

  • Frank's opinion of opera:
    Frank: Opera, just what the world needs: More fat women screaming!
    • When Frank "steals" Marco away from Marie:
    Marie: (walks in) I'm gonna kill your father.
    Ray: Oh, no, Mom. Don't.
    Marie: Marco is my friend. Now I never see him anymore. He's always with your father. They're watching sports or swimming nude at the lodge.
    Debra: There isn't enough chlorine in the world...
    • At Marie's birthday party, Marco asks where Frank is:
    Marie: He's sick. Swine flu.
    • This exchange, but mainly for what it leads to moments afterward:
    Ray: Come on, my dad should be here.
    Debra: What is it that you miss the most? The burping, the finger in the frosting, the wiping his mouth on the curtains?
    Ray: If you must know, I miss the shirttail out the fly.
    (moments later, when Frank reveals that he was hiding in the laundry room)
    Debra: What are you doing here?
    Frank: Burping. Now maybe I'll wipe my mouth on the curtain.

Ray's Ring

  • Robert accidentally spun Ray's wedding ring into the vents in a hotel. At first, Ray tries to hide his ring-less finger to Debra, but eventually he comes clean and shows it to her.
    Debra: Where's your wedding ring?
    Ray: Robert.
    • Frank, trying to take his wedding ring off:
    Frank: How do they [Ray and Debra] get theirs off so easily?? (to Marie) You did this to me. You fattened me up so I couldn't get out.
    • To make Ray jealous, Debra goes to the supermarket without her wedding ring on, and tries hitting on other men. Both attempts fail miserably. She spots Ray watching her from another aisle and approaches him:
    Debra: Okay, the first guy was definitely gay, and Jimmy's all wrapped up in his work.
    Ray: You knew I was watching you?
    Debra: ...Shut up.
    Ray: Come on, please, can we just go home?
    Debra: You're obviously married to an old hag!
    Ray: But I love her!
    • Moments later, Ray bumps into another beautiful woman. His reaction is priceless:
    Ray: I'm married. And even if I wasn't, no thank you. (the woman, understandably confused, walks away) How was that?
    Debra: Perfect.

Marie's Sculpture

  • One of the show's classic moments, after Marie finally realizes a sculpture she made resembles a certain part of the female anatomy.
    Marie: ...Oh my God, I'm a lesbian.
    • And then there's Frank. Who takes even longer to figure it out despite staring at it all episode. It finally takes someone pointing it out for him.
    Janitor: If you ask me, it looks like a...(whispers)
    (Beat)
    Frank: ...Holy crap!
    • When Ray is trying to tell Debra what the sculpture looks like:
    Ray: Did you look at the sculpture?
    Debra: Yeah. It's great. Why?
    Ray: Well... what does it looks like?
    Debra: I don't know. It doesn't look like anything.
    Ray: Oh, it definitely looks like something.
    (Debra stares at it)
    Debra: ...What?
    Ray: Don't you think it looks a little like a... hmmm? (makes a Captain Obvious look)
    Debra: (incredulously) What?!
    Ray: Isn't it a bit too... ladylike?
    (Debra takes a closer look and finally catches on)
    Debra: (rolls eyes) Great.
    Ray: You see?
    Debra: Oh, now I do, thank you.
    • Brad Garrett outshines the whole cast, however, with nothing more than a couple of facial reactions: first annoyance at Ray when he whispers what he sees in Robert's ear, then Robert's eyes nearly pop out of his skull when he looks at it again and sees the same thing.
    Robert: Oh... my God!
    • One of the twins comes in the room and asks what the sculpture is. Debra explains: "It's something that your grandmother carved out of stone. This is called a sculpture. This is art. (he stares at it for a few seconds) ...Okay, maybe that's enough art for now."
    Ray: You know, not that I would encourage it, but the way he was looking at it, that's good, right? He's like a little man.

Frank Goes Downstairs

  • Ray hurts his hand after falling out of bed while having sex. He doesn't want to tell Frank, though, since he's embarrassed to talk about sex with his father. So when Ray's friends brings it up to Frank, Ray has to make a cover story:
    Ray: What? It's nothin'. I hurt my wrist, that's all. I fell down the stairs. They're old and creaky, those stairs.
    Frank: What a marvelous story. And you tell it beautifully.
    Ray: I told you it was nothing.
    Frank: How many years have I got left? You gotta waste my time with that story?
    Ray: What? I didn't want to tell it to ya.
    Frank: Then you should cut your losses now and stop talking.
    • Gianni thinks that Debra is uptight on the surface but wild underneath. This leads to this gem:
    Bernie: I'm uptight; you think I'm wild underneath?
    Gianni: I'd hate to be underneath.
    • When Frank is in the hospital from falling through Ray and Debra's stairs that he was trying to fix, he repeatedly tells the doctor to look at Ray's testicle.
    • Frank, high on pain killers: "I was thinkin' it should be pretty easy to finish those stairs. The hard part's already done: Where I fall through them."
    • Debra and Ray outside Frank's room:
    Debra: We can never have sex again.
    Ray: What?
    Debra: Look at your father, lying in there hurt, and all because we... and now, whenever... I'm gonna think of him, workin' on those stairs, and then all of a sudden, his little bald head dropping out of sight.
    Ray: Here's something you might try: Think of me when we're having sex.
    Debra: This is awful, Ray. We lied to him, and now he has a broken rib. We broke his rib! We may as well have rolled off that bed and onto him.
    Ray: Are you trying to put images in my head? 'Cause we may never have sex again! (a nurse walks by just as he says that) Hello! Hi. Yeah. Look, this is not our fault.
    Debra: Yes, it is! This is 30% my fault and 70% yours!
    Ray: Where do you come up with those figures?
    Debra: You started the whole thing. None of this would have happened if you didn't have to tell all your friends what a big stud you are!
    Ray: Oh, why couldn't the nurse hear that?
    • At the end of the episode, Frank is back home and complaining about the painkillers he was on in the hospital:
    Frank: They had me so drugged up, I didn't know whether I was comin' or goin'.
    Marie: I thought what they had you on was marvelous. I'm going to call Mexico and try to get some for the house.

Jealous Robert

  • Debra asks Andy and Gianni if one of them wants an extra ticket to a play. Andy asks: "Is there nudity?" Debra gives him a "oh please" look. After Gianni accepts the ticket:
    Andy: If you get one with nudity, I'm in!
    • When Ray realizes that Debra set up Gianni with Amy to get Robert jealous:
    Debra: Let me tell you something. The fact that Robert got jealous only means he still has feelings for her.
    Ray: You DID do it. And the genius part of it all was leaking it to my mother. Because you knew, oh, you knew that telling her was just like whispering it into Robert's ear. Unbelievable. You believe that, Ma? She played you. She played you like a fiddle! What do you think of that, mom? (Marie has her back to Ray, cooking; Ray has a concerned tone to his voice because she's not responding) ...Mom?
    (Marie casually turns around)
    Marie: Your eggs are ready, Raymond.
    Ray: Oh my God! You're in on it! This is sick! Who else is in on it? Amy and Gianni in on the whole thing, too?
    Marie: All I needed was Debra.
    • Then at the end of the scene, when Ray reluctantly agrees not to tell Robert:
    Ray: (to Debra) So you've made me an accomplice. Your soul is as black as night.
    • Frank tells a story that relates to the Robert/Amy/Gianni plot, about how he once got jealous over Marie dating a guy named Chuck Pecorella, to the point of punching the guy's windshield. This comes up later in the episode:
    Marie: Back when your father and I were seeing each other, he found out that I had a date with a man called Chuck Pecorella. And Frank came running back to me. It was so sweet. It was the first time he ever expressed his true emotions.
    Ray: Yeah, Ma, those were his true emotions 'cause it wasn't a scheme. It just happened.
    Marie: Don't be naive, Raymond.
    Ray: What? What do you mean?
    Marie: Chuck Pecorella was gay!
    • Marie tries to get Amy to warm up to Robert by saying Gianni's so short. When Gianni arrives for their date:
    Marie: Hello, little Gianni!

It's Suppoed to Be Fun

  • Robert gets sick from riding the merry-go-round at the playground. When he return to the basketball game that Geoffrey's playing in, Marie rubs his stomach, leading to:
    Robert: That's okay, Ma. I'm fine now. (quiet shouting) Stop rubbing my tummy!
    Frank: Hey, remember the time you had that clam roll at Howard Johnson's?
    Robert: All right, Dad.
    Frank: And you washed it down with a strawberry milk shake?
    Robert: Yeah, I remember, Dad. Please stop.
    Frank: I had a sardine sandwich with onions and mayonnaise, and it was warm, I recall.
    Robert: Why do this?
    Frank: I find your discomfort amusing.
    • Ray criticizes Geoffrey during the basketball game, causing the other parents around him to praise Geoffrey in retaliation:
    Parent 1: Good hustle, big Geoff! (glares at Ray)
    Parent 2: Yaaaaay, Geoffrey! Way to go, Geoffreeeeey! (glares at Ray)
    • Ray with Coach Brian after the game:
    Brian: Raymond, all I'm trying to say is that when you kid around, it seems that you're genuinely concerned that Geoffrey's doing something bad.
    Ray: Well, no no no no. That's not it at all.
    Brian: Well, then, why make fun of your son?
    Ray: I wasn't making fun. I was making funny!
    Brian: "He's allergic to the basketball"? That's not funny.
    Ray: (smirking) It is a little funny.
    • Ray talking to Geoffrey about what he said about him after basketball ("He's good at spinning around and pretending he's Scooby-Doo"):
    Ray: Here's what happened. I was talking to Coach Bryan today about something else, and you heard me say a little joke. Daddy does that sometimes, but I was just kidding. Like when you call me "poopy-head." I know you really don't think I'm a poopy-head.
    (Geoffrey stares)
    Ray: Okay, maybe a bad example.
    • During the next game, Geoffrey makes two free throws, causing Ray to scream ecstatically and make his way down to the court. But he sprains something and sits down in the front row.
    Kid: Is that your dad?
    (Geoffrey shakes his head no)

Older Woman

  • When Warren brings Emma, the current woman he's dating, who is older than Lois (whom he divorced):
    Marie: It's a pleasure to meet you, Emma, and that's a lovely pantsuit.
    Emma: Oh, this old thing?
    (Frank immediately starts laughing)
    Emma: I baked this pie for you.
    Debra: Oh, thank you. It looks delicious.
    Emma: It's an old family recipe.
    (no laughter from Frank this time)
    • When Emma announces she wants to take a nap, Warren walks her up the stairs. They take each step laboriously slowly, causing Frank to shout "Happy new year!" when they finally reach the top.
    • Warren explaining why he's dating Emma:
    Frank: May I ask one question?
    Warren: Sure, Frank.
    Frank: What the hell are you doing? No no, I mean, she seems nice and all, but jeezaloo, you got a golden opportunity here! You're still handsome, nice tan. You got all your teeth and then some. What gives?
    Ray: Dad, stop. I mean, right?
    Robert: Actually, what is the thought process here?
    Warren: Okay, yeah, Emma is a little older than me, but I gotta tell you guys, it's not just about looks and sex for me.
    Ray: Okay, but... is any of it?
    Warren: Emma is warm and funny and charming. I simply adore her company, and, uh, can I tell you something about dating an older woman?
    Ray: (anticipating Too Much Information to be shared) That's okay.
    Warren: She appreciates me. When I'm with her, I'm the young buck. I feel more hip and energetic now than any time in my marriage.
    Robert: (thoughtfully) Interesting.
    Frank: I'm trying to picture myself with a woman who's older. She'd have to be, like, a mummy or something.
    • This line, when Ray accidentally says a Freudian Slip (and tries to backpedal by saying that he often says things backwards, like ""I'm dinner. What's for hungry?"), causing Lois to leave upset and Debra and Marie joining her:
    Frank: Kill is going to Debra you! Why do you say things?
    Ray: Because Debra wanted me to be supportive of her mother or something, I don't know!
    Frank: (shakes head) Trying to please the wife. When are you going to learn?
    • The Running Gag where Ray denies that he had a thing for Claudia, a woman that briefly cleaned the house when he and Debra were first married:
    Frank: And even though she wasn't what you would call "classically beautiful", I could see what Ray saw in her.
    Ray: (defensively) DAD!
    Frank: No, there was always a little "rhumba" in the horn section.
    Ray: (to Debra) I never looked at her "horn section", I swear to God.
    • Speaking of, Frank told a story about how Claudia came onto him one time by playfully pulling back a glass of water she was going to give him.
    Marie: That whore.
    • After Ray calls Lois "mom":
    Debra: (touched) He called her "mom".
    Marie: (clearly jealous) Well, that hardly seems necessary.

Raybert

  • Natasha goes to Ray's house to pick up Robert for their date Note , and has a comical misunderstanding with Debra, including being told by Robert that Debra was dead. Even better, after this exchange occurs, an oblivious Ray hops down the stairs loudly singing "BEACH BABY, BEACH BABY, THERE ON THE SAND-"
    Robert: (affecting an Eastern European accent) ...I come to fix sprinkler.
    • Natasha chews out Robert for lying to her, saying "What did you think, I was some Ray Barone groupie?!" When Robert goes back in the house, it's silent for a second but then Frank breaks the silence:
    Frank: (chuckles) It's not you, it's that she said "Ray Barone groupie". I'll say this, Robert: You're scaring off a better class of broads.
    • Earlier, Ray and Robert build each other up (really themselves because they've switched roles) and Natasha is impressed that two brothers respect and admire each other so much.
    Natasha: You must have amazing parents.
    Ray: Oh, they would amaze you.

The Kicker

  • When Frank wants Robert to introduce him to the room:
    Frank: Come on, Robert, tell it like you're not a gelding.
    Frank: Luck is the residue of design!
    Ray: ...What?
    Frank: Shut up.
    • When Robert says he's not comfortable with telling Frank's story to the lodge:
    Frank: Oh yeah? How was living in my house for forty years? Was that comfortable?!
    Robert: All right...
    Frank: I believe you were comfortable eating my food, watching my TV, wearing out the springs in my furniture with your two-ton rump.
    Robert: ...ALL RIGHT!!!
    • Also this:
    Debra: Frank, that's a record for the school. You know it's not right to keep that, don't you?
    Robert: Don't bother, Deb. His soul was removed to make room for more stomach.
    • The whole radio scene.
    Robert: (runs in with the radio) They're talking about Dad!
    Caller: You wanna know what that guy is? I'll tell ya - he's a jackass!
    Debra: (gasps) They are talking about him!
    • When Frank says he'll give the ball back for ten thousand dollars:
    Host: So, Dave on line one, what do you think?
    Dave: I think this Frank deserves to be kicked sixty-eight yards!
    Marie: Finally, a voice of reason!
    Host: Frank, you're telling me that Ron Fernandez doesn't deserve the ball?
    Frank: Who the hell is Ron Fernandez?
    Host: The player who kicked the field goal.
    Frank: Well, his money's as good as anybody else's.
    Debra: (to Marie) Why do you let him use the phone?!
    • When Frank says on air that he is Ray's father, Ray screams in frustration and smashes the radio into Marie's cake.
    Radio host: I hate that guy's column. He thinks he's so funny. He blows!
    Ray: Hey!
    Robert: (laughing while talking) Man, I should be taping this!
    • When the rest of the family is trying to get the ball back to Hofstra, Robert throws it across the street to Ray and accidentally throws it straight through a window. Ray stands there staring at it for a good twenty seconds with an "Are you freaking kidding me?" look on his face.
    Robert: I thought Ray was cuttin' back toward the window.
    Debra: A closed window?
    Robert: I couldn't tell it was closed. The glass looked very clean.
    Marie: All right, nobody believes you anymore, Robert. (Death Glare from Debra)
    • This, solely for the image it puts in your head:
    Marie: You can't print that! You don't attack your family in public!
    Ray: What are you talking about?! You took a swing at him at the mall last week!
    Marie: (dismissively) That's different, he was doing skits in the lingerie store.
    • Ray is adamant about publishing the column, and says not to stop him because he'll write something incriminating about the rest of the family:
    Robert: What kind of stuff do you think he'd write?
    Debra: Don't worry about it, Robert.
    Robert: (quietly) I had a slight bedwetting problem.
    • Gets a Call-Back at the end of the episode, when Robert calls into the radio show and laughs about the hosts saying Ray Barone blows:
    Ray: (listening in the car) Laugh it up, pee pee pants...

Season's Greetings

  • Debra reads what another family said about them in a Christmas letter:
    Debra: "They live a stone's throw away from each other, not that they'd ever throw stones, ha ha." Oh, she's a bitch.
    Marie: Listen, I would never say that. But it's nice to hear.
    • Debra is portrayed less than flatteringly in Marie's initial version of the Christmas letter (Debra's take: "Thank God Marie lives close enough to help that idiot woman and her dirty family.").
    Debra: Can't you find a way to make yourself look good without making me look so...
    Ray: ...Doofus-y? (Debra looks at him; Ray knocks a snack out of his own hand)
    Debra: Yeah, "doofus-y".
    • Also good is Ray revealing that he tried for an editing position at the newspaper and was rejected twice. The funny part is when Robert "consoles" him as only he can:
    Robert: You can't keep that bottled up. You have to share it with us... (deep voice) when you fail.
    • Frank's section of the Christmas letter is just a list of his favorite cable channels and "His love affair with bacon continues."
    Frank: What am I now? Just a list of cable channels and a big pile of bacon waiting to die!
    Robert: At least you weren't competing with someone your entire life. You were your own man.
    Frank: "Were" your own man? Past tense? You can't wait, can ya?
    • As the family is sitting around and making fun of other families' Christmas letters:
    Frank: (reading) "Is it Christmas already? With our trip to colonial Williamsburg, remodeling the living room, and Denny's successful run for city council, the months have just flown by!" City council of what city? Jackassville?

Tissues

  • Ray asks Marie if she can take the kids for dinner that night, and Marie accepts: "They could use a home-cooked meal." Cue annoyed look from Debra.
    • Debra apologizes to Ray for how she acted the previous night. She then wants to make it up to Ray by allowing him to plan the family vacation this year. Ray is surprised, and Debra replies with:
    Debra: I trust you. I do. (with a little bit of hesitation in her voice) I'm going to have to trust you.
    • This moment:
    Marie: (entering) Hi. I made sandwiches.
    Frank: (from other room) Enough chit-chat, Marie. Sandwiches!
    • When Ray brings up how Marie used to make him wear "outfits" to school:
    Ray: I still can't make my own decisions! (to Marie) You never let me, (to Debra) and you never let me! You're both the same!
    Debra/Marie: (offended) Hey!
    • Everyone giving Ray a hard time about the tissues he bought, especially Frank and Robert:
    Frank: Hey, those tissues stink. (...) They got the lotion on them. They're all greasy. You pull one out to blow your nose on it, you think you did it already.
    (...)
    Robert: Raymond, if I may. Did you ever stop to wonder why these tissues were on sale? The bad color, the disgusting texture, the fact that they're only 100-count when a typical box of tissues holds 160? Hmm? You got ripped off, mah brother. Nobody wanted these things. Nobody but poor ol' Mr. Bumblepuss. That's you!

Snow Day

  • A slightly drunk Ray is trying to convince Debra that she should consider herself better than his family, pointing out all their annoying habits. When he gets to Robert, he lists off some of his quirks, eventually arriving at, "He separates his 'Good&Plenties' into 'Goods' and 'Plenties'!" He pushes a reluctant Robert to explain which is which...
    Robert: ...The pinks are the "Goods"... and the whites are the "Plenties". Because there's always more of them. And they're not as good. [beat] And then there's a third category of "irregulars".
    Ray: [grinning] And they're called?
    Robert: ..."Cuties".
    • Drunk!Raymond loudly calling Frank a "known baboon's ass."
    • Ray and Robert's cringe worthy dance moves take the cake. Debra and Amy aren't any better, but Frank and Marie are quite talented.

Cookies

  • The Shout-Out to Glengarry Glen Ross: "A.B.C.: Always. Be. Closing."
    • Peggy's advice for the Frontier Girls is not to ask if people would like to buy cookies, but how many cookies they'd like to buy. This backfires immediately when Ally tries to sell on the street:
    Ally: How many cookies would you like to buy?
    Guy: (walking by) How about zero?
    • When Ray takes Frank and Robert to task about buying cookies from his "arch-enemy":
    Robert: Oh, you have an arch-enemy. What are you a superhero now? [imitates one flying]
    Frank: "Captain Big-Nose!"
    Robert: [flaring his nostrils dramatically] "I'm gonna blow you away!"
    • When Debra claims Ray doesn't like women.
    Ray: (to Marie) You're not a woman, you're my mother.
    Robert: (deadpan) Dr. Freud on line one for ya, Raymond.
    • When Debra and Marie accuse Ray of not liking women:
    Debra: You don't want a woman who talks or needs anything and the moment a woman expresses herself, she belongs in the henhouse.
    Frank: Amen.
    • When Ray sells cookies to a mother who obviously didn't want to (but caved because her son demanded: "I. WANT. COOKIES!"):
    Ray: Thank you. And the Frontier Girls thank you.
    Mother: Yeah. He's gonna be bouncing off the walls now, you jerk.
    • Debra confronts Peggy about beating up Ray, and right after she threatens her: "You come near my husband again, you're gonna have a real problem", Ally and Molly come out of Marco's (Ray and Peggy sent them in to get ice cream while they fought). Debra and Peggy immediately put on nice faces.

Lucky Suit

  • Marie "accidentally" burns Robert's lucky suit while ironing, so he has to wear a different suit to the interview with the FBI. Before Agent Garfield comes in, Robert's still fuming.
    Robert: Stupid suit. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
    Agent Garfield (walks in) Good morning.
    Robert: Oh, good morning.
    Agent Garfield: Special Agent Garfield.
    Robert: Lieutenant Robert Barone.
    Agent Garfield: Were you just saying something?
    Robert: No. Just sitting here. Quietly.
    Agent Garfield: You didn't say, "I hate you, I hate you"?
    Robert: Oh. No.
    • When Marie and Robert are in the middle of an argument, Frank walks in and turns on the TV.
    Marie: Frank, turn the television off.
    Frank: Why?
    Marie: Because we're talking.
    Frank: So I'll turn it up louder.
    • During Robert's tirade about how Queen Marie wants to keep everybody in line, he describes Frank as "the court jester, with his bald head and weighty behind".
    • After seemingly ruining Robert's FBI interview with her meddling, Marie goes to talk to the FBI agent who interviewed him. Said agent eventually manages to get a word in to ask her...just how did she get into his office in the first place?
    Marie: I talked to the man up front, and I told him I had to speak to you about my son Robert. And they asked me if I was the "lucky suit lady", (chuckle) which I guess I am. So I said yes, and they smiled and they let me in.
    Agent Garfield: ...Bastards.
    • Also funny in that scene: Marie pulls out a plate of cookies to smooth things over.
    Garfield: Mrs. Barone, you seem like an intelligent woman.
    Marie: Thank you. Have a cookie.

The Skit

  • Ray is recruited to do a speech for Lee and Stan's anniversary. He protests that he barely knows them:
    Marie: We're practically related. You lived at their house!
    Ray: What?
    Marie: When your father and I went to Atlantic City.
    Ray: That was a weekend.
    Marie: It was a long weekend.
    Frank: You said it.
    • Robert does a really lame parody of "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain" about Lee and Stan. It gets a Call-Back after Ray and Debra's skit about Marie and Frank was a smash:
    Ray: No one's going to listen to Robert anymore. / No one's going to listen to Robert anymore. / You were wrong and we were funny / And you can't stand it, honey, / Did I mention that you're due back at the zoo?
    • Ray calling Debra a "cranky, uptight yell machine".
    • Robert in general is a riot in this episode.
    Robert: It's like I always say: "Live, love, laugh." (winks) I'll see ya.

The Breakup Tape

  • Ray wonders just what presents Debra's past boyfriends had given her over the years.
    Ray: Is there anything in here [the bedroom] I should know about?!
    Debra: ...The picture frame.
    Ray: ....THAT'S AROUND A PICTURE OF OUR CHILDREN! (Beat) Waaaaaaaaaait...
    Debra: They're our kids, Ray!
    • Another such present was a poem entitled "Debra's Eyes". When, the next morning, Ray takes it upon himself to get some "new, better things" (i.e. replacements for all of the gifts), he also takes his own stab at romantic poetry:
      "Debra's Ears
      One on each side, like a dainty cup
      So gently they hold thine sunglasses up.
      So round and nice, with a subtle ridge
      There's no bone in there, it's cartilage."
    • One of the gifts from an old boyfriend is a doll that Debra gave Ally. Ray took the doll and put it in his trunk. When Ally comes looking for her doll, Ray asks if she looked in his trunk, and gives her the keys.
    Debra: (disgusted) What were you gonna do, Ray? Dump the doll's body in Jersey?
    Ray: I was just gonna take it for a ride.

Talk to Your Daughter

  • Just the basic concept: Ray decides to give Ally The Talk to prove to Debra how responsible he is as a parent... only to be completely thrown for a loop when Ally instead wants to know the meaning of life.
    • Robert ponders life's unanswerable questions, including whether you could theoretically fly around forever in space. Frank dismisses it as nonsense, leading to this:
    Debra: It's not nonsense, Frank! Haven't you ever heard that the unexamined life is not worth living?
    Frank: Hey, you know what? (snores)
    • While Marie is searching the Bible for the meaning of life:
    Frank: Hey, Marie, while you're holding that Bible, I've got a question for you. Did you eat the two missing cannolis?
    Marie: I'm not gonna let you use the Bible like that.
    Frank: Answer me, yes or no?
    Marie: This is ridiculous! (sets the Bible down) No, I didn't eat those two cannolis.
    Frank: Did you see what she did? Pick it up and tell us what happened to those cannolis!
    Marie: Oh, shut up!
    Frank: Thou shalt not eat the cannoli!
    Robert: Never mind the cannolis, Ma. Take this Bible and tell me you don't spend more money on Raymond's Christmas gifts than mine!
    Marie: That's ridiculous!
    Robert: Fifth grade: (Ray) Bike, (himself) slippers. Tell the truth!
    Marie: Those slippers were very expensive.
    Robert: Take the BOOK!

A Vote For Debra

  • At the election fundraiser, Guy talks to Ray about the candidates:
    Guy: Bill Parker sounds pretty good, but I'll probably vote for that Debra Barone.
    Ray: (pleased) Oh yeah? Why's that?
    Guy: She's got a nice little caboose. (walks away)
    • When Debra finds out Ray didn't vote for her in the election, she tells him:
    Debra: We all know why you didn't vote for me. If I win, I might get out of this house and you might have to get off your butt and do something. You want me locked in this house. Your vote was a vote for slavery!
    • Debra admits that at one of the election fundraisers, she had to deny that she knew Ray because he embarrassed her. This exchange occurs:
    Debra: You were acting like a goofball.
    Ray: I don't care what I was doing. You denied knowing me at the potluck?
    Debra: You were stuffing your pants with food.
    Ray: I'm your husband. You're supposed to support me no matter what's in my pants!

Call Me Mom

  • This line: "Did your mom tell you not to call my mom "Mom"?"
    • Debra enters Frank and Marie's kitchen, and Marie is in another room. Debra asks if she can see her, and Frank says, "Let me get her for ya. MA-RIE!!!!!"
    Robert: She will be with you presently.
    • Ray thinks he should get involved in the "mom" conflict between Debra and Marie, but Frank tells him to stay out of it. Against his advice, Ray confronts Marie about it. He then turns around to ask Frank and Robert what they thought about Marie rejecting Debra's request to call her "mom". The two are already headed out the door.
    • When Lois doesn't want Debra to call Marie "mom", Lois says "Heaven forbid you don't get your way for once." Marie replies back, "May I just ask... what the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
    • After the fight between Marie and Lois over whether Debra gets to call Marie "mom":
    Debra: You know, I think it might be best for all concerned if we just go back to the way it was. No more "Mom" calling.
    Lois: Maybe that's a good idea.
    Marie: All right. It's fine with me, but if it's hard for some other people-
    Debra: Okay!

Mother's Day

  • Marie's incredibly passive-aggressive "apology" to Debra:
    Marie: First of all, I'm sorry I came over when I did. I should know by now, by late afternoon, you've lost complete control of the kids. And then, I brought company, which must have embarrassed you, since obviously you hadn't tidied up. So I understand why you felt the need to snap at me so. For all that, I'm sorry. All right?
    Ray: So... she's talking to you again!
    • Marie lays on the guilt thick: "I was just flipping through your baby books... recalling the agony of your delivery... and I was wondering if I was going to get a visit from you on Mother's Day."
    • Robert is nervous that Marie and Debra aren't talking to each other, and Frank agrees, saying it's like in Korea: Things were most scary when it was quiet. Later in the scene, Debra and Marie are in the room and ignoring each other:
    Frank: Korea.
    • While Ray and Frank are arguing over who is right, Debra or Marie:
    Frank: Well who the hell is Marie to come barging in demanding joy, while Debra's wrestling with the damn kids?
    Ray: She didn't have to be so rude!
    Frank: (Points at Marie) Rude is the only thing that gets through to her! How do you think I got the way I am? I USED TO BE A GENTLEMAN!!

The Bigger Person

  • Frank calling Robert a "dainty duck".
    • The scene where Debra and Marie keep trying to outdo each other in pleasing Ray and Frank. At one point, Marie calls Frank "h- honey", prompting an "Oh come on" from Robert.
    • Frank being not so subtle:
    Frank: You know what I read? Apparently, if you install it yourself, a satellite dish is very affordable.
    • Marie calling Frank "Mr. Sleazy Man".
    • When Robert lets it slip that he went to Debra first about not going to the "big bed" mad, Marie is offended that he didn't come to her first. When Robert tries to explain, Marie cuts him off:
    Marie: Enough. You're a double agent.
    Robert: What are you talking about?
    Ray: Yeah, that's exactly what a double agent would say.
    • Marie tells Ray, twice, to shut up. The first time, it's rather shocking because of how out-of-character it is, but the second time is pretty funny because of how Ray reacts: "...We say it all the time now??"
    • Let's not forget this gem:
    Robert: I will do whatever it takes to make this family whole!
    Ray: I think you're the family hole.

The First Time

  • Marie invites the family pastor over to Debra's apartment to intervene, because she thinks that Ray and Debra are going to have pre-marital sex. Marie was able to lure the pastor to their place by saying they're having lasagna. After a bit of family bickering, the pastor stands up and says, "Wait a minute! Is there even a lasagna here?!"
    Father Hubley: I'd be happy to discuss all these matters, but I don't think this is the time or the place.
    Robert: Yes, and I must say that I am appalled at the turn this evening has taken.
    Father Hubley: I think we should all go.
    Marie: But we haven't eaten yet!
    Father Hubley: When I say "we", I'm including the lasagna.

    Season 7 

The Cult

  • When Robert says he joined a cult to receive love:
    Marie: You have that here, you stupid ass!
    • After Ray attends the Inner Path meeting with Robert, Robert admits: "I don't know what I'm doing."
    • Judy's choice of words when she describes the plan to cure Robert: "We lock the door and we love-bomb his sorry ass."
    • Robert rejects the family:
    Robert: This is a negative place, and it's not just him [Frank], he's just the poster boy. It's her and her too. [Debra and Marie]
    Ray: What about me?
    Robert: Nice try, but you're not that good an actor.

Counseling

  • When Ray and Debra get home from their first marriage counseling session, the first words out of Marie's mouth:
    • Frank:
    Frank: I can't believe you went to a shrink. (pointing to Robert) He's the one with the problems.
    • When the family is trying to analyze Ray, who refuses to open up:
    Robert: What are ya hiding, man? (points to Ray's head) What's in there?!
    • This bit, regarding Ray not acting like himself during couples therapy:
    Frank: Sounds to me like you did good, Ray. Name, rank, and serial number. Never open up. Keep the enemy in the dark.
    Marie: You're an ignoramus. If anybody ever opened you up, all they'd find is meat.
    • When Marie acts as a marriage counselor, she asks what Ray and Debra fight about:
    Ray: About how nuts she goes cleaning when people come over. All I want to do is relax for once, and watch a little TV, and she asked me to shampoo the rug.
    Frank: ...What? You can't help out a little?
    Ray: (can't believe his ears) What?! You don't help out!
    Frank: Ass.
    • The ending: Robert comes over, seemingly apologizing for mocking Ray the day before Note . But then he says he got Ray something, and hauls in a giant cardboard cutout of Marie in a wedding dress.
    Robert: Enjoy, ya sick bastard!

Homework

  • Ray comes home from work and the first words out of Debra's mouth are: "Oh good, get in there, Ally needs help with her homework." After a pause, Ray walks back out the door.
    • Ray and Robert are playing a video game when Debra walks in and criticizes him for not reading the books given to him by the school board (which would show him what they should cut).
    Robert: Cubby, you can't play video games if you haven't finished your homework. (...) You know, Raymond, every day at the end of my shift, I have a mountain of paperwork. And you know when I do it?
    Ray: When you're supposed to be out buying nose-hair clippers?
    Robert: I do it right away. Because there is no worse feeling than when you've put something off to the last second, and it's getting dark, and the clock is ticking, and you realize... you're never gonna make it.
    • Then he caps off this scene by announcing, "By tomorrow morning, I will be the greatest zombie hunter of all time." and rolls his eyes back in his head while acting like a zombie. It's both funny and eerily convincing.
    • When Ray gets Marie to help him with the school board curriculum review, she ends up doing it herself because he never read Tom Sawyer and ends a sentence with a preposition- "This is too important to give to someone with your kind of attitude about education!" So he eats food with Frank instead. Cue Debra walking in.
    Ray: (walks over to Marie) So you got what I was saying there? Good.
    Debra: Oh knock it off, Ray! You got your mommy doing your homework for you?
    Marie: I have to, Debra. It turns out I raised an illiterate.
    • Ray, in front of the school board:
    Ray: You know, when I was a kid, I always thought that we had too much homework. And since I hated all the homework, I started to hate learning. In fact, what I learned to do more than anything else was to avoid the work. I'm sorry to say I still try to avoid it whenever I can. Just ask my wife. (smirks, but re-composes himself) Uh, but, you know, it seems to me like the kids today, they've got ten times the homework that we had. You know? And I don't want my daughter to hate learning. I want her to be curious and thoughtful and get excited about new ideas. And most of all, and I think this is what we want for all our kids, I want her to be happy. I mean, I think there's homework that's important and everything, and then I think there's overload. I mean, are we piling it on? We're so worried about the kids won't be competitive and our kids won't have a future, that we're takin' away their present. Anyway, so, you know, maybe we can just keep that in mind. 'Cause isn't that the kind of school that we want our children to be at? (goes to sit down, but goes back to the podium when he realizes his bad grammar) I mean in. I mean of. I mean a part of. I mean, isn't that, isn't that the kind of school that we want our children to be a part of?... In. (finally sits down)
    Board member: (to a fellow teacher) And you wanted to cut down on the English homework.
    • The ending, where Marie helps Ally with her grammar homework.
    Marie: Wait a minute, Raymond. You have some work, too.
    Ray: (annoyed) Tom Sawyer.
    Marie: You need to read that.
    Ray: No, Mom, I told you, I don't.
    Marie: Yes, you do. I read Legendary Running Backs of the NFL.
    Ray: (skeptical) Yeah, right.
    Marie: Poor Gale Sayers. First to lose a friend like Brian Piccolo, and then to have a career cut short because of all his knee injuries. (Beat) Go. Read.
    Ray: (under his breath while walking away) You probably just read the one chapter...
    Marie: Jim Brown averaged 5.2 yards per carry for his entire career.
    Ray: (low voice) ...Damn you.

Pet the Bunny

  • The episode revolves around Ray recalling a memory of Frank petting the family bunny when he was a kid, and putting it in Frank's practice eulogy. When Garvin and Stan find out, they tease him by taking it to extremes:
    Stan: It's the talk of the lodge! How you'd go in the backyard and sing songs to the bunny, and rub nosies with it.
    • When Marie finds out that Ray wrote a practice eulogy for Frank, she has one question: "Where's mine?" Ray protests that he doesn't want to because thinking about Marie being dead would be "too, too sad". Marie at first has a flattered reaction, before turning cold:
    Marie: Oh, you're sweet. I'd like to see something by Wednesday.
    • Marie wonders why Frank's been in such a bad mood after talking to Ray. Ray says he brought up the bunny story.
    Marie: It's a lovely story. He's such an idiot.
    • Then when Frank chews out Ray for including it in his eulogy:
    Ray: All right, look, the bunny thing, the only reason I even remember it is 'cause it's so unlike you! You were the toughest son of a bitch I ever knew!
    (beat)
    Frank: You gonna put that in?
    Ray: ...I could.
    Frank: Write it down before you forget it!

Who Am I?

  • Ray and Debra attend a book reading where the speaker describes his time in the jungle. At first Ray pays attention, but a dissolve to later, and Ray is asleep and leans over on Debra. She nudges him awake in the eye with her elbow, and Ray loudly complains: "You poked my eye out!" The speaker has an eye patch.
    Ray: ...Not that I still wouldn't be a great guy. (the speaker scowls at him)
    • When Ray gets home from the lodge with Frank, he starts to act like an old man, annoying Debra ("I never got to be married to a man, a regular, grown-up man.").
    Ray: When I was in that steam room, it just felt right. I, I think it's what I've been looking for.
    Robert: Sweaty man boobs?
    Marie: I don't like that, Robert. (grabs a cannoli from his hand)
    • After everyone leaves, Debra rips off Ray's blanket:
    Debra: I'm just checking to see how old you really are. (passionately kisses him) ...Well?
    Ray: ...I'm a little tired.
    Debra: (disgusted tone) Oh my God... (starts to walk away)
    Ray: (tickles her) But not TOO tired! (the two run upstairs to have sex)

Robert Needs Money

  • When Robert and Ray are arguing over the thousand dollars Ray gifted him to pay for bills (Which Robert used to go to Las Vegas), Robert compares the money to the gift of a chair: "Here, Robert, I gave you this chair. Don't sit like this, sit like this!" It's the voice he uses.
    • Also, after Ray declares that if Robert uses the $1,000 he gave him on a trip to Vegas, they're no longer brothers, Frank speaks up. You think he's going to make a point that money shouldn't come between people, but he's just being cheap:
    Frank: You know... I once lost a friend over $50. And I'll tell ya. Sometimes, when I'm driving... I still think about that $50.
    • After Ray and Robert make up, Robert suggests Ray come with him to Vegas. Ray floats the idea past Debra, under the guise of wanting to pick up his "depressed" brother:
    Debra: I think you should go.
    Ray: (surprised) Really?
    Debra: Yeah. And when you get there, see what the odds are of me being here when you get back.

The Sigh

  • Ray's annoyance at how unkempt the kids keep their bathroom:
    Ray: It's like a bus station in here...
    • When Ray gets to see Debra's renovated bathroom, she offers to let him use it, but he's self-conscious about it:
    Ray: You know what? I don't need a bathroom.
    • Marie visits the renovated bathroom and is impressed:
    Marie: Oh, I better go. I'm expecting a delivery, and your father doesn't have pants on. You did a marvelous job, Debra. I just may have to bathe here myself sometime! (leaves)
    Ray: A lot of nice images today.
    • Ray shaving and combing his hair in the kitchen (using the toaster as a mirror!) instead of using the upstairs bathroom, which he gave to Debra. When Frank and Robert confront Ray about it, and pressure him to take back the bathroom:
    Ray: I don't have to take back my house; it's my house! It's always been my house, and it'll always be my house! All right? So mind your business, both of you!
    Robert: You know what? You're right, Raymond. I feel bad about what I said. You deserve to relax. Let me run you a hot bath. (turns on the kitchen sink)
    • Ray and Debra are in Debra's redecorated bathroom complaining about each other's annoying habits, right down to the way either one sneezes.
    Ray: You don't sneeze! You try to stop it! You keep going, "Ah-hah-haaaah-NYIT! Ah-NYIT!"
    Debra: So I should just go ahead and spray everything like you! You sneeze like it's a big Broadway musical finale! "Aaah-choo! Aaah-choo! Ah-CHOOOOOOOO! Good night, everybody! Enjoy my mucus!"
    • Ray claims Debra's controlling by recounting a story when the family was at the pet store:
    Ray: How 'bout how 'bout the time we were at the pet store with the kids and that guy had a monkey? All I did was look at it, and you gave me that face.
    Debra: What face?
    Ray: That "don't even think about it" face.
    Debra: Well, you know we can't have a monkey in the house!
    Ray: I know! I wasn't going to buy a monkey. But you didn't even like that I thought it might be fun.
    Debra: That's right, because maybe I don't want to think that my husband, whom I'm married to, would like to live with a monkey!
    Ray: Well, maybe I would.
    Debra: Well, maybe I do.
    • In the same scene, Ray tries to take back the bathroom, but Debra refuses. They get in a scuffle and the shower head gets involved, soaking both of them. During their fight, the three kids come in.
    Debra: (covering) Hi, kids. Mom and Dad were just having a discussion about how sometimes we need our own space.
    Ray: Yeah, that's all. We were just... all right, you know what?
    (Ray sprays the kids with the shower, and they bolt out of the bathroom. Ray and Debra share a laugh.)

The Annoying Kid

  • This bit:
    Ray: Debra thinks I'm a jerk just 'cause I can't stand him.
    Frank: Who can't we stand? Your mother?
    Robert: No, we're talking about that Spencer. Kid's weird.
    Ray: I know. Isn't he annoying? He's annoying.
    Frank: Sure. He's a kid. All kids are annoying. You two were horrible.
    Ray; No, we weren't.
    Frank: Oh yes, very much so. You'd go around talking funny, playing your stupid crap. It bugged the hell out of me.
    Ray: Look, this kid's in a class by himself. I was nothing like him.
    Frank: Well, he's definitely smarter than you were. Even now, it's pretty close.
    • And later...
    Robert: Hey. You stink.
    Ray: No, you stink.
    Robert: No. According to the refrigerator, you stink.
    (Robert points to the fridge, which has its alphabet magnets arranged to spell out "RAY STINKS")

She's the One

  • Ray just witnesses Robert's new girlfriend do something very disturbing after dinner at their house and tells Robert and Debra in the kitchen:
    "The fly that was flying around, Angela killed it, it fell on the table, she put it in a napkin, and then she AAATE IIIT!!''"
    • Even better, before that, when Angela ate the fly, Ray stared at her, horrified, for a full two minutes.
    • When Robert is making out with Angela:
    Angela: You okay?
    Robert: Oh, I'm very okay.
    Angela: Wanna be even more okay?
    Robert: Okay.
    Angela: Wanna go in there? (indicating bedroom)
    Robert: O-kay!
    Angela: I'll be in in a minute.
    Robert: (suave) And I'll be in there, being very okay.
    • When Angela catches Robert escaping out the window: "You know, Robert, we all come from frogs."
    • In the same episode, Frank's thoughts on Robert escaping Angela's apartment by climbing out the window.
    Frank: There's nothing humiliating about going out the window. If your mother's apartment had been one floor lower, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
    • When Robert says why he dumped Angela ("She eats bugs"), Debra denies it yet again: "Oh come on, Robert, she does not." This leads to Ray stepping in:
    Ray: Oh, what is it about you that you don't believe me when I tell you?! She sat right there at your dinner table and ate a fly!
    Marie: I could believe that.
    Ray: No, Mom, it wasn't in the food.
    Marie: Oh. I don't believe that.
    • When Debra tries to build Robert up by listing his positive qualities, Robert coldly replies with, "Blahblahblahblahblahblahblah..." and flapping his lips in a derisive manner. Debra gives up trying to be nice: "Good luck with the frog lady."
    • This bit, when Marie reveals that she stays up nights from worrying about Robert not being married:
    Marie: For God's sake, do you want to die alone?!
    Frank: Yes!... Oh, him.

Marie's Vision

  • When Marie is faced with evidence even she can't deny that her eyesight is failing, she sadly walks out of the room. Cut to Ray, Debra and Robert looking concerned and sympathetic. Then cut to Frank.
    Frank: [evil grin] Let's hide.
    • Another great bit from "Marie's Vision": Robert talking funny because he put injections in his face to decrease wrinkles:
    Debra: Robert, did you have those anti-wrinkle injections put in your face?
    Robert: Terhats ("perhaps").
    Ray: "Turd hats"??
    • Moments later, when it's revealed Debra put on extra make-up and Ray put shoe polish in his hair to cover the grayness:
    Robert: Oh, I know. Na nust've noticed sonething adout his hair and sonething adout her eyes! (laughing while his mouth can barely open) That's hilarious! (laughs)
    Ray: Yeah. Need some oil, Tin Man?
    • Then later, after Ray spills the beans to Marie about Robert's injections:
    Robert: NAYMOND! Who are you to say zat? What I do hith ny hace is ny dusiness!
    Amy: Robert!
    Robert: NO! I'm really tissed!
    • Another line from Botox Robert: "I seel great about nysel."
    • After Marie and Frank's massive fight at Ray and Debra's house, they are able to reaffirm their love for and forgive each other—and as usual, Frank signifies that he's feeling better by asking Marie to make him some lunch. Marie begins to prepare, then remembers that it's Thanksgiving Day:
    Marie: Wait a minute, wait a minute...it's Thanksgiving! Everybody's over there—the kids, Amy, and Debra cooked all that food...
    (Beat)
    Marie: You're right, we'll eat first.
    • At the end of the episode, Debra's still feeling insecure about her make-up-less eyes:
    Debra: So you really think my eyes look okay this way? Without all that stuff on them?
    Ray: All right, let me tell you something. I have always thought your eyes were beautiful.
    Debra: That's very sweet. But I want you to answer the question again, and bear in mind that I am way too tired to have sex tonight.
    Ray: What does that got to do with anything? I love your eyes.
    Debra: No, I mean it, Ray. It's really not gonna happen tonight.
    Ray: All right. What do you want me to say? Give me a break. This is ridiculous. Your eyes were the first thing I noticed when I met you, so why would I want anything different?
    Debra: Are you trying to have sex with me?
    Ray: I am.
    Debra: Good night, Ray.
    Ray: You know what? I wish I could say that I don't like your eyes, but sex or no sex, your eyes are beautiful. So sweet dreams.
    Debra: Still tryin'?
    Ray: Yeah. (annoyed) Come on!

The Thought that Counts

  • When Debra says Ray never gets her anything thoughtful as a gift:
    Ray: I've gotten you plenty of thoughtful stuff. You're not making any sense. Maybe you're delirious from lack of sex.
    • Robert gives Ray an idea to get Debra To Kill a Mockingbird for Christmas. Only seconds later, Ray has forgotten the name of the book:
    Ray: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?
    Robert: To Kill a Mockingbird! Take a class!
    • Ray, defending himself after Robert exposes that Ray stole credit for his gift idea:
    Ray: What about Jesus? You think He cared about getting a bunch of gifts for His birthday? Rum-pum-pum-pum, that's all He wanted.
    • After Robert explodes on Ray for not giving him credit for his idea, Amy complains that Robert put more thought into a gift for Debra than for herself: Robert got Amy tickets to the Ice Capades. Robert protests: "What's wrong with that? The Ice Capades is 2 1/2 hours of frozen fun." It gets a Brick Joke at the end of the episode when Robert drags Ray to the show:
    Ray: You like this?
    Robert: Ssh. Here comes Snoopy.

Grandpa Steals

  • Marie and Robert painting Frank more like a dog than a human being.
    Marie: But the truth is, this all could've been avoided if Raymond had handled him better in the supermarket.
    Ray: What?! He was an animal!
    Marie: Yes. And you let him off his leash. If you take a dog to a supermarket, and he has an accident in the frozen food aisle, is it the dog's fault?
    Ray: ...Did Dad ever do that?
    Marie: I'm saying, you know how your father is. And there are ways to prevent this kind of scene. First of all, I try to be with him if he's ever going to be anywhere there might be people.
    Debra: But Ray was with him. What was he supposed to do?
    Marie: Before you even got to the snack section, you should've had a Hershey bar or a Zagnut here in your pocket.
    Robert: That's true. He responds to treats.
    • Marie wants to avoid confronting Frank about his behavior:
    Marie: No, leave him. He'll watch television, then I'll take him home, make some cannelloni, he'll burp and he'll feel better.
    Debra: You're an enabler! You're actually rewarding his horrible behavior with Italian food!
    • When Frank has a talk with Ally about his behavior in the store, he defends himself by saying he just took a sample. Ally replies: "But the sign said no sampling." After a pause, Frank says, "Oh, you're reading now." Keep in mind, Ally's almost a teenager in this episode.
    • After Frank apologizes to Jimmy the grocer, Jimmy has the gall to insult Frank some more. Though Frank resists the urge to chuck a tomato at him in front of Ally, he gets even by knocking down an orange from a shelf, causing the entire shelf of oranges to come tumbling down. Jimmy sees Ray at the scene, and Ray immediately runs off.

Somebody Hates Raymond

  • Robert getting annoyed at Ray obsessing over Jerry Musso claiming he hated Ray:
    Robert: What is with you? You can't believe that somebody could hate you? Is it so impossible to fathom that somewhere in this vast cosmos, there might exist a single entity that thinks you suck?
    • Robert's "You wanna know who the genius is? Jerry Musso. Because he was the first to say it before me. HATE! HAAAAAATE!" to Ray, due to Large Ham delivery.
    • During the same scene as above, Robert pushes a plate of cake onto Marie's shirt. When the two leave, Frank's reaction to seeing her caked shirt is priceless:
    Frank: I gotta tell ya, Marie... I'm gettin' a little excited.
    • Rather than playing with Geoffrey, Ray opts to go to Jerry Musso's party to confront him about why he hates him. He bribes Geoffrey: "Here is a little advance on your allowance, get yourself some candy or sodas, anything you want." After a pause, Geoffrey shouts "YAAAAAYY!" and runs out. Ray also gives a couple bills to Debra... but takes one of the bills back before leaving.
    • When Robert shows up at Jerry Musso's party:
    Ray: What are you doing here?
    Robert: Andy got me on the guest list a couple of days ago. I wanna get Jerry Musso's autograph. I'm a big fan.
    (Ray takes the paper and blows his nose in it, then stuffs it in Robert's pocket)
    Robert: It's tearing you apart, isn't it? You have to know. There he is. Go ahead. Now's your chance. Maybe you'll find out something about yourself. What are you waiting for?
    • Then when Jerry insults Ray, Robert stands up for Ray in the most awesome way possible. After his "The Reason You Suck" Speech to Jerry, he takes the used paper and stuffs it in Jerry's pocket.
    Jerry: Hey, who let those guys in here?
    Andy: I don't know, but I'm sure as hell gonna find out!
    • And:
    Ray: Guy called me "dumb".
    Robert: You're not dumb, Raymond.
    Ray: And, even if I am, is that any reason to hate me?
    Robert: Of course not! There's so many better reasons.

Just a Formality

  • Robert goes to Hank and Patricia MacDougall's house to ask for Amy's hand in marriage. He assumes they'll say yes, but even after Hank and Pat warmly smile at each other, Hank tells him: "No."
    Robert: Just- uh- let me okay, so what you're saying is, I can't marry your daughter?
    Hank: That's correct. But thanks for asking.
    • Hank and Pat's overreaction when Peter spills the beans that Robert took Amy's virginity.
    Hank: This is a terrible evening.

The Disciplinarian

  • Ray's punishment for Michael and Jeffrey goes over-the-top: No TV for a month, they have to go to bed at noon, and no Christmas and Easter. Also funny is his villain-esque line as he leaves their room: "Sweet dreams, gentlemen!"
    • After Robert tells Frank and Marie that Ray used to sneak out of the house at night and the two laugh and reminisce about it, Ray casually says, "Oh, by the way, Robert did it too." Robert freaks out and screams "HE'S LYYYYYYYIIING!"
    • The part where Ray talks about how Robert stole some peppermint schnapps from Frank's padlocked liquor cabinet by moving it away from the wall and popping out the back panel. Frank and Marie's priorities differ a little:
    Marie: You drank?
    Frank: You popped out the back panel?!
    • Ray initially denies that he snuck out, but changes his tune when Frank confidently says that he knows Robert was lying, as he was such an intimidating authority figure that Ray wouldn't have even thought about breaking his curfew. "Actually, Dad, with your snoring, I could have marched out of there blowing a trumpet."
    Frank: ...You little punk.
    • Debra says that her parents explained why rules are important, and maybe that's why she never felt the need to break curfew or go joyriding. Ray interjects:
    Ray: Yeah, you're right. You never felt the need to do that... but you did find the need to go to Mardi Gras when you were in college...
    Debra: (nervous) Ray.
    Ray: ...And at the parade...
    Debra: (warning) Ray.
    Ray: ...You took your top off.
    Debra: RAY!
    • Of course, she tries to save the situation...
    Debra: It was a momentary indiscretion! I was in college, I was finding myself!
    Ray: And you found yourself on the front page of the daily news with your boobs out.
    Debra: RAY!
    • When Debra insists she wasn't topless in the news photo, as there was a black bar over "the exposed area," Frank grumbles, "I hate those!"
    • A bit later Robert mentions the possibility of the kids sneaking out and going to concerts. Debra, to her immediate embarrassment, instantly blurts "No concerts! Shirts can come off at concerts too!"
    Robert: I gotta start a band.
    • The flashing thing gets a Call-Back in the last scene. Debra wants to take a vacation, and Ray suggests Mardi Gras:
    Ray: (starts to pull off his shirt) Oh when the saints, go marching iiiinnn... oh when the saints go marching in! (Debra gives Ray a titty-twister)

Sweet Charity

  • Jean, the surly nurse, is full of funny lines:
    (after Ray nearly faints from seeing a blood pack on the counter) "You sure you want to volunteer in a hospital?"
    "Hey, are you Ray Barone, the sportswriter?" "Ha ha! Yeah yeah." "And you've never seen blood before?"
    "You know Mrs. Gorman in 408? Maybe he could help out with her." "I think she already knows how to fall down."
    "She's not bleeding, is she?" "Why didn't you just write a check?"
    • Ray tries to get Mrs. Gorman to take her medication, but she refuses. Just as Ray is about to leave:
    Mrs. Gorman: You sit in the press box?
    Ray: What, at the game? Yeah.
    Mrs. Gorman: I've never sat in a press box before.
    Ray: Well, um, if you want to sit in a press box, you've got to get better. And if you want to get better you've got to take your pills.
    Mrs. Gorman: Oh, you tricky tricky white boy. (holds out her hand)
    • Robert brings Traffic Cop Timmy to the hospital and performs for the residents:
    Robert: Now now, Traffic Cop Timmy the food at the hospital isn't that bad. (as Timmy) Yeah, you're right. It's fit for a king. Here, King! Come on, boy! Here, boy! Where are you? (as himself) All right, Timmy. Now, Timmy, that's a little rude. These kind people didn't come here to get insulted. (as Timmy) Then maybe they should close their robes! (…) (to a woman named Margaret) You're a real looker. Maybe if you break your hip, I can be your splint. (moments later, when Ray interrupts) (as Timmy) Hey, folks, what do you think this guy's doing in the hospital, huh? Probably dropped in for an emergency nose reduction. Ladies and gentlemen, my cousin Pinocchio!
    • Even better, Ray tries to one-up Robert by being a prop comic with an inflated surgical glove:
    Ray: Hey, it's a balloon! Whoop, it's a turkey! Gobble gobble gobble! Hey hey, everybody, I'm milkin' myself.
    Mrs. Gorman: Boooooo!
    Robert: (as Timmy) Yes, madam, I agree with you. This guy's act is a "Do not resuscitate"!
    • Ray gripes about Robert stealing his thunder at the hospital with his ventriloquist act:
    Ray: You know what Robert is? He's a competitive, selfish, little, tiny, pea-brained giant, and a hack! (...) He doesn't even bother to dress the dummy up like a doctor or a nurse. He's such a hack.
    • This response from Ray. Not very funny in print but it's the resentful way he says it.
    Robert: Look, here, I brought you a pineapple. Mrs. Deets can't take all the acidity.
    Ray: I don't want your pineapple.
    • Debra singing "When You're Smiling" to the hospital patients and being walked out on.

Meeting the Parents

  • Ray and Debra show up to Amy's apartment. Marie and Frank are already there, with Frank playing keep-away with a muffin from Marie, and everyone's shouting. Ray sees one second of this and backs out.
    Debra: What are you doing? What are your parents yelling about?
    Ray: Listen, let's just go home.
    Debra: What? Go home?
    Ray: Yeah. I realized the kids are at the birthday party, and we could spend some time alone.
    Debra: Ray, come on, we already had sex this week.
    • Debra introduces herself to Amy's parents, Hank and Pat:
    Debra: Mr. and Mrs. MacDougall, I know how awkward it can be to come in and meet new people, especially when the new people are so... different. But I have to say, thirteen years ago, I felt the same way. But after a while, I grew to love all the Barones like my own family, so just give it some time. (hand waves) Thirteen years.
    • Pat says that Amy's "wound up" because she missed church:
    Amy: Mother, I did not "miss" church today. I chose not to go. Do you know why? Because Robert and I wanted to sleep in. (…) He sleeps over many nights. And you know what? I've decided that it's not a sin. (gets an adamant, but fearful, look)
    Robert: May I say that, when I come over, I never sleep.
    • Frank's rivalry with Hank, whom he's convinced is a phony. After Hank says he's never eaten a muffin, says he likes to reserve Sundays for church and family instead of watching television, and doesn't want to go along with Debra's idea of a group prayer:
    Frank: See, Marie? I bet all this stuff about church is a load of crap, too. Probably spends all Sunday watching TV in a muffin shop.
    • This exchange, when Frank bets he can "beat" Hank's prayer:
    Hank: This is hardly worshipful.
    Frank: Who made you the Prayer Sheriff?
    Hank: I am not the "Prayer Sheriff".
    • Ray and Peter's conversation in the hall. Peter and Ray briefly find common ground that both are driven crazy by their parents, but it goes south quickly:
    Peter: So that's why you and me are gonna break up this wedding.
    Ray: Wait a minute. Look, I think you got the wrong idea there, Peter, okay? I'm not for breaking up Robert and Amy's wedding.
    Peter: I thought we were friends.
    Ray: Yeah, but friends can disagree.
    Peter: No, they can't.
    Ray: But you just disagreed with me right there.
    Peter: Oh, a-ha. Uh-huh. Oh, you are crafty. Uh-huh. Ah, how I misjudged you.
    • Ray tells Amy, "No good can come from family!" Marie confronts him about it:
    Marie: "No good can come from family"??
    Ray: (whispers) Her family. (Marie nods in satisfaction)

The Plan

  • Ray convinces Robert to fake incompetence when creating the wedding invitations so that Amy will do it herself and he won't have to do any more work. This backfires when Robert makes the mistakes too obvious, and when Debra finds out, she accuses Ray of doing the same with her throughout their entire married lives.
    Debra: I have had it, Ray. The jig is up. (walks upstairs)
    Ray: What jig? Come on. Me not being able to do that stuff, that's not fake. There's no jig! I don't have a jig!
    • Robert's purposefully botched wedding invitations are pretty epic: "Hank 'n' Pat MacDougall request the honor of your presents, on the 6thnote , attire optional."
    Amy: (to Robert, almost growling) It's "black tie optional." "Attire optional" means MAYBE NAKED!
    • Also funny is Robert's accidental slip that the botched invitations weren't all his idea:
    Robert: We just thought-
    Amy: "We"? Who's "we"?
    Debra/Marie: Yeah.
    Robert: ...Me and some of the other guys that were around that day.
    Debra/Marie: ("I knew it" tone; shaking head and squinting angrily) Ohhhh…
    • When Debra first finds out about the purposefully-botched invitations, she's furious. Contrast to Ray, who just came home from work: "Hey, jelly cheeks!" Rather than chew him out right away, Debra puts on a happy poker face and gives Ray the invitations. When Ray is horrified to discover that the bad ones were actually sent out, he purposefully spills on the invitation, then lights it on fire, and dumps it down the garbage disposal. He then tells Debra: "Anyway, something smells gooooood! Mmmm, damn, woman!"
    • Debra, on Ray only changing about ten diapers in his life:
    Debra: "I can't do it! The diapers keep falling off!"
    Ray: It's not my fault the kids have no hips!
    • Frank comes over demanding dinner, and Marie tells him to make it himself.
    Marie: You pretend to be a stupid ass so I'll wait on you hand and foot. It's over.
    (Frank just sits down, looking defeated)
    Ray: Dad. You're just gonna take that?
    Frank: Forty-five years, I had a good run.

Sleepover at Peggy's

  • Debra tells Ray that he has to take Ally over to Molly's house; Ray is reluctant because Molly's mother is his arch-nemesis Peggy.
    Ray: (to Ally) How good of a friend is Molly? 'Cause, I gotta tell ya, I don't see it.
    Debra: Ray.
    Ray: (to Debra) All right!
    • When Ray says that Peggy tapped his butt:
    Gianni: The cookie lady fondled you?
    Ray: Yeah.
    Gianni: Get any cookies?
    • Ray tries to reenact how Peggy patted his butt on Robert. Gianni: "Robert, would you like a glass of wine first?"
    • When Ray has to return to Peggy's house, he asks Robert or Gianni to come with him.
    Gianni: No, I'd rather just read about it in Penthouse. (…) "Dear Penthouse: I never thought this would happen to me..."
    Ray: Aw, come on!
    Robert: "It was a rainy night and my rump was yearning to break out of its denim prison."
    • Marie comes in Peggy's house just as Ray is entering the sleeping bag with Peggy in a robe next to him. She immediately jumps to conclusions and runs out. It gets a great Call-Back at the end:
    Marie: You should never have allowed yourself to be in that position.
    Ray: Mom, she wasn't going to do anything, all right? I was just helping her take down the tent.
    Marie: A woman doesn't get a man into a tent unless she's going in after him.
    Ray: No, listen: Peggy is not attracted to me at all.
    Marie: That's impossible! I'm telling you, the things you do and the way you look can drive a woman crazy.
    Ray: Aw, Ma! Please.
    Marie: Like your shy little smile.
    Ray: All right. That's enough!
    Marie: And your sensitive eyes.
    Ray: Ma! I'm eating here!
    Marie: And let's not forget those tight pants-
    Ray: Agh! Ma! (pushes his cereal away and goes to the basement)
    Marie: He won't do that again.
    • At the end of the episode, Ray decides to be extra helpful to a bed-ridden Debra after learning what happened to Peggy's ex-husband, who was selfish. The confused/shocked look on Debra's face when Ray pampers her is great.
    Debra: (to herself) Maybe I died

Who's Next?

  • The start has a great Mood Whiplash:
    Marie: Guess who died?
    (everyone else murmurs "Awww" and other noises of sympathy)
    Marie: ...Guess.
    • When Ray and Debra choose spouses for each other if one happens to die before the other, Debra picks Linda. After a pause, Ray contemplates it and gets a grin.
    Debra: She's the same age as me, she's smart, she's funny, good values.
    Ray: Excellent values.
    Debra: Yeah, I just I just thought that she- (notices) what are you grinning about?
    Ray: What?
    Debra: What's with the big smile? What are you thinking about?
    Ray: What? I'm I- I guess I'm thinkin' about the kids and how happy they'll be with Linda.
    Debra: You're picturing her naked, aren't you?
    Ray: No no no! No.
    Debra: I know she has a good body.
    Ray: She does? Well, I never noticed. (smiles)
    Debra: Oh, you are so so full of it! I'm not even dead yet, you're already fantasizing about having sex with Linda.
    Ray: I am not! Come on, how can you say that?
    Debra: 'Cause I know that dorky face you're so typical! All you care about are boobs and butts.
    Ray: I couldn't care less about butts!
    Debra: Look at you, we're supposed to go to the movies with them tomorrow night; is that the face you're gonna have? (makes a dorky smile)
    Ray: I'm not gonna make that face. I'm gonna make this face. (gives a serious look)
    • Later in the episode, Debra tells Bernie and Linda about the agreement, and says that when she picked Linda for Ray, he couldn't take that stupid grin off his face:
    Bernie: You were picturing her naked, weren't you?
    Linda: (mildly embarrassed) Bernie!
    Bernie: Yeah, that's what all guys do they see a woman, they picture her naked.
    Linda: Oh, yeah? You picture Debra naked?
    Bernie: ...Huh? No. No more than you picture Ray naked.
    Linda: Eew.
    Ray: "Eew"?!

The Shower

  • The scene where Robert comes across Debra in jail for drunk driving.
    Robert: Hey, Ray. Hey, Debra. (beat) Debra?
    Debra: (embarrassed) Hi Robert.
    Robert: Oh my God, she finally killed Ma.
    • During Debra's meeting to get her driver's license back:
    Mr. Rodell: All right, I've read-
    Marie: You will speak up, won't you?
    • In the same scene:
    Frank: (turns to Ray) She shoulda lawyer'd up.
    Ray: ...You didn't brush your teeth today, did you, dad?

Baggage

  • Robert comes in and Ray's eating various cheeses, which was a gift from someone he got a job for.
    Robert: So you've done nothing but eat cheese all day?
    Ray: (ashamed) I can't stop.
    • To avoid touching the suitcase that's been sitting on the staircase for days, Ray packs his clothes for a plane trip in a grocery bag.
    • To get revenge on Debra pulling apart his grocery bag, Ray sticks a piece of stinky cheese in the suitcase before leaving. A day later, Marie and Debra find the cheese, which has stunk up the house.
    Marie: Debra, you can't put cheese in a suitcase!
    • Marie tells Debra a story about the origin of the big fork and spoon hanging in her kitchen. They got them as wedding gifts but she wanted Frank to return them (he never did), so she got revenge by placing the fork a little higher on the wall than Frank's spoon. At the end of the episode, Marie announces that she's taking the big fork and spoon down, to rise above 45 years of pettiness. But when she removes the items, their imprints are left in the wall.
    Marie: This is all your fault! (storms out)
    Frank: (confused) When did we get those?

The Bachelor Party

  • The reveal that Ray, Robert, and Gianni playing cards is Robert's bachelor party.
    • At the second bachelor party, the banner reads "Congratulations, Woody!" Robert walks in:
    Robert: Who's Woody?
    Ray: ...You are.
    • Ray and Robert come home inebriated from hitting the bar for the bachelor party, and hit on Debra and Amy. Marie says, "I wonder what's waiting for me when I get home." After a pause, she bolts out of the house.

Robrt's Wedding

  • Debra comes in and Ray's not dressed yet:
    Debra: I left you up here an hour ago. I showered, did my hair, got the kids up, got them dressed- kids, go downstairs. Mommy's yelling- and you can't even do yourself?!
    • Robert, to Ray: "Do not mess with me today, Raymond. DO NOT MESS WITH ME!! This is my wedding day, and I am in no mood for fun!" Ray replies after he leaves, "Then you're gonna love marriage."
    • A bit that's sadly not on the DVD is Marie talking with Robert in the men's room; Gianni comes in to use the urinal and Marie doesn't leave. Obviously he's very self-conscious about this and says, "I don't have to go anymore!" and leaves.
    • This exchange:
    Debra: It's a wedding. Get into it. You know, the romance, the love that's all around us. Can't you suck it up for one day?
    Ray: I'm into it. I'm sucking.
    Debra: You're dancin' with me today, jerkwad. (leaves)
    Ray: You haven't called me that since our wedding.
    • Peter purposefully doesn't pick up the pastor for the wedding, causing a last-minute freak-out for Robert. Luckily the pastor makes it on time, but is in the wrong frame of mind for a wedding: "Someone was supposed to pick me up; I had to hitchhike. Let's get this over-with."
    • While Robert and Marie are arguing during the wedding ceremony, Ray realizes they're gonna be a while and sits down. Ray is soon joined by the pastor.
      • The capper is when Marie finally sits down and tells the pastor, "I feel better now. Go ahead, reverend." The pastor and Ray get back into their places and the pastor says in a "what the hell did I just witness?" tone, "Okay, we're back."
    • Prior to the above, Peter meets with Robert in the bathroom and tells him how happy he is that he's marrying Amy and joining the family. After he leaves, Robert turns to Ray and says, "That psycho's gonna pull some crap."
    • Marie is critical of the food at the reception, but lies to Pat: "Oh Pat, what a wonderful spread!"
    • Frank is upset that he has to pay for beer at the wedding instead of it being free, and demands "Beer now, beer now!" Hank agrees to pay for it, and tries to make amends. Frank replies, "Well, I think you are a nice fella, Hank. But I gotta tell ya, you're not gonna find much good in people when they drive all the way to Pennsylvania for a big, long wedding and you screw them on the booze."
    Hank: Well.
    Frank: "Well"? That's all ya got? "Well"?
    Hank: Yes, because "well" is what one says when one is shocked, but not particularly surprised, by someone's boorish behavior. Well.
    Frank: That is so frickin' sad!
    Hank: Oh yes, Frank, that's sad? Well, I want my money back. Now who's sad? Oh, Mr. Bartender, don't give this man any alcohol. He seems to have had more than enough over the course of his life.
    Frank: I'm a veteran!
    Hank: A veteran of the Bad Manners Army.
    Frank: Take a hike, boy scout!
    Ray: Hey hey hey, hold it! Back it up, calm it down, and look at all the people at the wedding.
    Frank: This phony holy man and his liquor gouging have ruined an otherwise happy occasion!
    • After Pat tells off Marie for interrupting Robert and Amy's marriage ceremony, Ray takes Pat aside. You think he's going to admonish her, but:
    Ray: (in awe) Nobody's ever said to her before!... You're cool.
    Pat: Thank you, Ray, but I don't feel cool. I feel like I just contributed to the whole tone of the wedding, which is bad. And it's ruined, and that's the last thing I wanted to do for my daughter and her new husband. (cries and leans on Ray)
    Ray: ...Why do I talk to people?

    Season 8 

Fun With Debra

  • When Ray is about to go golfing:
    Debra: You put those golf clubs down, spend some time with your kids, and create some damn memories!!!
    • All of Debra's novice faux pas at the start of the golf game:
    Debra: You didn't par off without me, did you?
    (gives Ray a "birdie" hat) I know it doesn't have anything to do with golf, but I just thought it was cute.
    "Okay honey, slice it in."

Thank You Notes

  • Amy and Robert describing their Italy honeymoon, and how it was so beautiful they just cried. Amy asked how things were around here the last two weeks:
    Debra: ...I did a little crying myself.
    • After explaining that Amy and Debra should not challenge Marie because the family should just be nice to each other, Ray gives one last reason not to cross her:
    Ray: Besides, before even giving up a drop of power, she will truly kill us all.
    • From the same episode, Ray running across the street to warn Marie and Frank about what Debra and Amy are planning, and when he gets in the house he glances down and realizes he's still in his boxers.
    • This whole scene:
    Ray: Listen, Dad, I don't know what to do. I need your help. The ladies, they're planning a takeover.
    Frank: Go on.
    Ray: Debra, she saw what happened with Amy and Mom and the thank-you notes, and she got Amy to join forces with her, and now Debra's all foaming at the mouth.
    Frank: Wait a minute, this is bad news for me. Anything that puts the missus in a worse mood than usual puts me in the dumper! Who's gonna feed me if this happens? Debra? That's no kind of life! How's Amy's cooking?
    Ray: I don't know. It's good, I guess.
    Frank: Still, that's a 10-minute drive. You've got to shut this down. How are they gonna pull it off?
    Ray: It's already started. They're planning a big throw-down, laying out the new order, and everybody's equal— love all around, peace and harmony.
    Frank: (derisively) Those stupid broads. You can't overthrow Marie. Besides, anytime you cut the head off something, the body still runs around by itself, all crazed-like.!
    Ray: I know! That's why I'm asking you. I don't know what to do. What do you think we should do?
    Marie: (comes out from the laundry room) I'm not sure yet.
    Ray: (screams and jumps out of his chair) Argh! What the- you heard everything?!
    Marie: I heard enough.
    Ray: (to Frank) Did you know she was back there?
    Frank: Yes.
    Ray: Well why'd you let me go on for?!
    Frank: I want my shrapnel back.
    • Then, when Ray tries to explain himself, he bolts out of the house after only a few words.
    • Pretty much everything Robert says or does in this episode.
    • Debra's desperation when Amy goes over to Marie's side, culminating with an utterly soul-crushed Debra announcing: "...She's gone."

Home From School

  • Michael is punished by Ray for staying home from school a third day in a row despite not being sick. He takes away his cereal and gives him his own cereal: The box has "two grandmas on a bike".
    • Down in his office, Michael is bored, so Ray rubs it in: "Don't worry, we'll be done here in... oh, about five hours. (gleefully) Hee hee hee..."
    • When Michael tells Ray that kids at school were teasing him because he accidentally called his teacher "Mommy", Ray, a little thrown by Michael opening up to him, responds "...Why, was the teacher yelling?"

Misery Loves Company

  • Ray and Debra are annoyed at Robert and Amy's affection and guarantees they're going to fight like any other married couple. A great line from Debra:
    Debra: Amy, there are gonna be screams coming out of you, and it's not because you're on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
    • Debra's disdain for Amy is evident in an earlier scene when she derisively tells Ray, "She probably still shaves her legs."
    • This Mood Whiplash when Robert toasts his wife before dinner:
    Robert: I don't want to get overly sentimental. I just want to say that I think we all know how hard it is to find true love in this world, and I think that I was one of the lucky ones. So, Amy, no matter how long we're together, you will always be... forever my love.
    Debra: (disdainful) Pass the beans, will ya?
    • Frank's out-of-character line when Ray, Debra, Amy, and Robert fight: "This is unseemly."
    • When Marie breaks up Ray and Robert's shouting match, Robert gets in a quiet "We'll take it outside..."

The Contractor

  • Frank is jealous when Gianni replaces the stove instead of letting him fix the old one. Marie chimes in:
    Marie: Frank, if you want to fix something, why don't you go fix our garage door that I've been telling you about for six years?
    Frank: I will not do that on principle. It would only prove nagging works.
    • Ray, stuck in bed because he threw out his back, is visited by the rest of the family. A joke causes Ray to laugh in pain: "It hurts when I laugh." Upon hearing this, Robert slowly lays next to him and gives him a big smile, causing Ray to laugh and wince in pain.
    Robert: I'm not doing anything.
    Marie: Robert, get your face away from your brother.
    Robert: That's for recommending Gianni!
    • Ray and Gianni make up by episode's end; Ray offers to pay for Gianni's services but he turns him down, saying he's making it up on a few other jobs. Suddenly, Robert bursts in and Gianni bolts out the front door. Robert runs after him, and before leaving, he warns Ray: "YOU'RE NEXT!"

Peter on the Couch

  • Peter's stayed at Robert's and Amy's apartment for three days straight. This exchange occurs the third morning:
    Peter: So, did you sleep okay?
    Robert: Not especially.
    Peter: Oy, I was out like a puppy in a pick-up truck. I gotta tell ya: That sofa is more comfortable than my own bed.
    Robert: Mother of God.
    • When Robert and Peter come to blows:
    Peter: Amy was wrong about you. You're not nice, you're not sensitive, and I'll tell you something else: You're not a gracious host.
    Robert: ...GET OUT OF MY UNDERWEAR!!!
    • Pat McDougall, on she and Hank kicking Peter out and turning his room into a prayer and Bible study room:
    Pat: I'm sorry Peter, but we gave your room to Jesus.
    • Also funny:
    Hank: (coming from downstairs) Pat, you wouldn't believe some of the filth he has down there. Have you ever heard of a thing called "Mad Magazine"?
    • Robert and Peter find common ground regarding living with their parents:
    Robert: Yeah, they send you all these mixed signals. My mom was the same way. With the food all the meats and the sauces. You're all doped up like a bear in the zoo. You don't want to be there, but you lose the will to escape.
    • Also Robert considered himself the "practice kid":
    Robert: "Oh well, now we know not to drop Raymond."
    • When Robert agrees to let Peter spend the night at their place and then show him his old apartment the next day:
    Frank: Those two think their troubles are over. Believe me, you don't want a relative living so close to you. You can never get rid of them. (immediately turns on the TV)
    • Also at the end of the episode, Ray is playing Peter's harmonica. Debra casually asks, "Did you wash that off?" prompting Ray to literally lie down on the countertop sucking on the sink.
    Debra: (not even looking up from her book) Idiot.

Liars

  • As Marie unravels Ray and Debra's lie of spending a night at a hotel:
    Marie: There was no hotel... which means that wasn't the trick you were playing on us. So then what was it?
    Ray: There was no, nothing.
    Marie: The washing machine? Having Frank fix something that wasn't broken?
    Ray: Yes, that's it! Ha ha! Gotcha!
    Frank: Why, you lousy big-nosed bastard!
    • It gets out that Marie didn't want to just watch a sports program with Ray; she had a list of complaints that she wanted to discuss with him.
    Frank: I was one of the categories. Debra was the rest of the categories.
    Robert: (dejected) I wasn't even a "category".

The Surprise Party

  • Debra gets it out of Ray that he's planning a surprise party for her, and wants him to go with a Chinese theme. After excitedly saying she's going to call a restaurant to see if they do catering, Ray complains, "Great. Now she's too happy to have sex."
    • Robert & Frank find out that Ray let Lois, Debra's mom, plan the whole thing and mock him:
    Robert: Confucius say, woman with stupid husband, get stupid party.
    Frank: Cause you're stupid!
    Robert: He who marry Raymond, need look elsewhere for good time.
    Frank: Cause you're stupid!
    • When Lois wants Frank and Robert to put on a dragon outfit, Ray says that Robert can be the tail.
    Robert: Oh, I'm sorry, Raymond, I'm the lookout. You'll have to find someone else to be your dragon's ass.
    • When Debra learns that everyone knew that she requested a Chinese party and let her go on faking surprise, Marie chimes in:
    Marie: (smiling) Happy birthday, Debra.

The Bird

  • One of the MacDougall yearly Thanskgiving traditions is a play:
    Amy: When Peter and I were kids, we used to put on a play about the first Thanksgiving. And we thought that since Ally and the boys were coming this year, we could try it again.
    Pat: Doesn't that sound like fun, kids?
    (Michael and Geoffrey, slouching on the sofa, blankly stare without responding)
    • Pat puts a wounded bird out of its misery by snapping its neck. The MacDougalls think it's normal, while the Barones are horrified. Robert is firmly in the horrified camp, until Debra (who had been in the kitchen while this happened) asked, "What was Pat supposed to do? Perform surgery?" Then he changes his mind. Amy's reaction is priceless:
    Amy: Now you think that?! When Debra says it, you listen! With me, you fight! What is WITH you?!
    Robert: ...IT'S A CONFUSING ISSUE!
    Frank: You're out of the family.

Jazz Records

  • Ray stubbornly wants Frank to admit that CDs sound better than vinyl, so he sneaks into his house and sets up the CD player to play one of Frank's old jazz albums when he walks in. But something goes wrong and the album plays really loudly and the sound is distorted. It almost gives Frank a heart attack when he walks in.
    Ray: I'm sorry. I wanted to give you the opportunity to hear your jazz records like you've never heard 'em before.
    Frank: Yeah, that's like I've never heard 'em before!
    • Later in the scene, Ray tries again, and Marie covers her ears in fear: "Oh, God, no! He's gonna turn it on again!"
    • When Ray and Frank are arguing:
    Robert: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I wanna say something. That Christmas day in 1969, um...
    Amy: What is it, Robert?
    Robert: (nervously muttering) I'm gonna tell you what it is right now...
    • And moments later:
    Ray: You moved his records.
    Robert: Excuse me. May I finish my story, please?
    Amy: Go ahead, Robert.
    Robert: (warmly) Thank you very much, sweetie. (to Ray, coldly) I hated you.
    • During Robert's story where he reveals that he (not Ray) was the one who ruined Frank's jazz records 30 years ago, said he wanted a Hot Wheels race car set like Ray got.
    Robert: I wanted to set it up like the kid on the box: That happy, brotherless boy.
    Ray: Look, see, listen when you get the plastic off, all you do is insert the disc, you close the tray, put the selector on CD, and press "play."
    Marie: We're not astronauts, Raymond.

Debra at the Lodge

  • Ray making fun of the lodge members:
    Debra: I bet those gentlemen could teach you a thing or two.
    Ray: Like what, how to wear my pants up high?
    Debra: All right, that's enough jokes, Ray.
    Ray: Yeah. Grow hair out of my ears.
    Debra: Enough, Ray.
    Ray: Drive with my blinker on.
    Debra: Ray!
    Ray: Okay. Sorry. (Beat) Yell at a squirrel.
    Debra: Oh! (turns out the lights)
    (really long pause...)
    Ray: Reuse a tea bag!
    • Marie confronts Ray about Debra's work at the lodge, and claims that around men, she has an "air". Ray asks what she means, and she demonstrates by putting her hands on her hips and making kissy faces.
    Ray: First of all, I don't know what you're talkin' about. Second of all, don't, do, that.
    • One of the lodge member's wives said that ever since Debra's been working at the lodge, her husband has been gobbling heart pills.
    Frank: Your husband's gobbling heart pills because he's had a fifty-year love affair with ham.
    • Frank tells Marie and the other wives of the lodge members that they're imagining the men flirting with Debra and says he's going to watch the game with his pants off. When he warns: "I'm about to start scratching", they hightail it out of there.
    Ray: Thanks, dad. I was never so happy to see you open your pants.
    • Debra sings "Put the Blame on Mame" to the (secretly perverted) old guys at the lodge, and Garvin makes a suggestion: Stand on top of the piano and sing it. Debra agrees, and one of the old men mutters, "Hurry up."

Slave

  • Ray and Debra accidentally leave the twins at home after they each go to the store without telling the other. They, along with Marie, panic, especially when they discover Michael and Jeffery eating pancakes (implying that they used the stove; it turns out Ally made them). Frank, though, has his priorities straight: "I smell pancakes. Where are the pancakes?" He caps the scene off by devouring a few of the flapjacks, then announcing, "Delicious! I'm done. Bye. Come on, Marie, make me lunch."
    Debra: (in a tone suggesting she doesn't have to work so hard) Oh honey... (picks up a sock and puts it on the pile) You dropped a sock.
    • Marie comes over just as Ray and Debra are about to go to the movies with Ally in charge. Debra asks why they aren't sticking to their dinner plans:
    Marie: It's just Lee and Stan; enough with them already.
    • When Marie finds out that Ally is essentially taking her place:
    Debra: Marie, Ally will be fine. I used to babysit when I was her age.
    Marie: And you used to smoke, too, didn't you?
    • Ray and Robert mention that Frank barely paid them for the chores when they were kids:
    Ray: Hey, remember the time we put our nickel together and bought nothing?
    • When Frank instigates things by saying Ally should get paid for her housework, she tells Ally to go on strike until the demands are met. Marie says she'll do the housework for free. Frank asks her in a tough guy voice, "Yo, scab, you like your kneecaps?"
  • Ray and Debra need a babysitter, so they ask everyone in the room:
    Marie: Oh, I'd love to. But I can't. See, I'm entertaining my dear friends Lee and Stan. Come on, Frank.
    Ray: Well wait a minute, dad, what about you?
    Frank: Oh you can't afford me.
    Robert: If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna see a movie with Amy and then have no children.

Who's Side Are You On?

  • Ray and Debra have an argument at his parents' home about Debra cracking jokes with the kids about Ray's behavior.
    Ray: "She bet the kids that I would do stupid stuff!"
    Robert: "Are the betting windows still open?"
    • This line from Robert: "Look! Up in the sky! It's bad husband!"
    • When Ray realizes Debra's following in Marie's footsteps of tearing down their husbands to the kids:
    Debra: What? I just made a couple bets.
    Ray: Don't kid yourself, lady. (faces Marie towards her) Take a look in the mirror.
    • This bit:
    Marie: So men are allowed to do whatever they want, and the women just have to put up with it. This is the problem with America!
    Frank: You're right, you should leave America!
    • Robert takes Frank's side, but immediately regrets it:
    Frank: Get me some milk.
    Robert: ...ALL RIGHT!!!
    • Frank's advice to Ray is gold:
    Frank: Listen to me, Ray, your brother's a candy-pants. But guys like us, we've got to be strong. Because the truth is, your mother was gonna complain no matter what I did. So I figured, "To HELL with it. I'm gonna do what I want!" Right? Right! 'Cause the more the wife yammers, the more you can't listen. I've been through years of, "Why can't you be a better person?!" Look at me! (eating a cake with his bare hands) Am I a better person?

Lateness

  • Ray decides to use Frank's A.I.S. system ("Ass in seat") to justify leaving Debra behind when attending the ESPY Awards ceremony. When he returns:
    Ray: I was just trying what Dad used to do.
    Frank: Oh, I never did that.
    Ray: What are you talking about? You did it to us all the time.
    Frank: Yeah, you and Robert, but I would never do that to the wife. That's just suicide.
    Ray: You never AIS'd mom?
    Marie: He's still here, isn't he?

Party Dress

  • At the department store, Ray is aghast at the dress costing $250. The store clerk reminds him: "That's with the discount for mentioning Peggy's name."
    Ray: All right, PeggyPeggyPeggyPeggyPeggy! How much is it now?
    • This exchange:
    Marie: When I was a child...
    Frank: You sat around the fire and wonder how it got there.
    • When Ray tells Amy how much the party dress costs, Amy questions how a dress that will only be worn once can be worth the cost.
    Ray: Tell that to Debra von Moneybags.
    • The Running Gag of Frank wanting a TV for the bathroom. Culminating with this, when Debra is the only one who would be willing to pay $250 for the party dress:
    Frank: Hey, Deb, I'll back you if you back my TV-in-the-toilet idea.

Security

  • Robert is trying to decide whether to retire from the police force and become a burglar alarm salesman, and Marie and Amy get into an argument on what he should choose. This leads to Amy (who thinks Robert should stay a cop) drawing a line in the sand:
    Marie: You know, there was a time when people cared what I think.
    Amy: You know what, Robert? I think I want to have your birthday party at our place.
    Marie: That's all right. We'll have two parties: That one, and the official one. (indicating herself)
    Marie: Robbie, you should always trust that little voice in your head. Is your little voice saying, [sweetly] 'Retire!'? Or is it saying, [crazy nagging voice] 'Don't retire!'? Listen carefully.
    Frank: One time my little voice told me not to do something. But I did it anyway. Now I'm stuck with a great big voice!
    Ray: We don't have any liquor—
    Debra: Top cabinet, behind the cream of wheat.
    • When Pat weighs in and thinks Robert should retire:
    Amy: Mom, it's not about the safety. It's about what ROBERT wants-
    Pat: Sweetie, you're raising your voice. We don't do that.
    Frank: Too late, lady. She's one of us now.
    • The security system Robert installed keeps going off at random times. After one instance:
    Robert: Now, until tech support gets here, I'm gonna have to ask everybody not to move at all. Freeze!
    (Debra is bent over picking up something; she gives an annoyed look that she has to stay in that awkward position)
    • The ending:
    Robert: Mom, I'm gonna stay a cop. Raymond said I should. (walks by her on the stairs)
    Ray: (Marie slowly walks down the stairs towards Ray) Oh, all right, just take it easy. Listen, ma, just... I stopped him from being a dancer. ROBERT, TRIP THE ALARM!

The Ingrate

  • Ray learns he's getting an honorary doctorate degree due to his sportswriter career. Frank is confused at first:
    Debra: I thought you had a degree.
    Frank: Yeah, what the hell were we paying for?
    • After Ray's doctorate speech, Ray offers to give Marie his diploma:
    Marie: Oh, what a boy! (hugs/kisses him)
    Ray: Okay, okay. Okay. Okay.
    Robert: HE SAID OKAY!!!
    • Because Ray forgot to thank Debra in his doctorate speech, he wrote about her in his column, how his career started with her smile (along with a bit about how he thinks dumping Gatorade on a coach's head is sticky and wasteful). Marie objects:
    Marie: What about my smile, Raymond? Hmm? What about my smile?
    Frank: And I like when they dump Gatorade on the coach's head! That's funny!
    Marie: Let me tell you, it didn't start with a smile. It started with nineteen hours of horrible labor.
    Frank: But before that, there was a smile!
    Marie: ...Also horrible.
    • Ray's "thank you" speech to the family after they compete for who had the most influence on his writing career.
    Ray: Thank you, Robert. I owe my career to you. That column you did in grammar school about noogies versus wedgies, that's the reason that I go to work every day. And Amy, I don't know what I did before you came into this family to point out my mistakes, but thank you! And Dad! There's something I always wanted to say to you. I've never said it before, but I'm gonna say it right now! You are the mole on the backside of my success. (holding Marie's head in his hands) Sweet Mama. Without your pushing, I would still be in your womb. And you, wife: Without you, I'd have nothing but "heart-acha-chuh."
    Robert: He thanked me first.
    Debra: He saved me for last.
    Marie: He said the most meaningful things about me.
    Frank: Why was he so fruity?

Crazy Chin

  • Pat trying Robert's "chin touching before eating" tic and failing miserably, getting sweet potatoes on her chin.
    Pat: May I have a napkin please?
    • Amy thinks that Robert's chin touching tic is a result of stress. She notices him doing it before dinner and confronts him about it:
    Amy: Are you stressed? It's okay if you're stressed, I just wanna know if you're stressed. Are you stressed?
    Robert: ...Maybe a little bit now.
    • After Robert spends the night at Marie and Frank's:
    Marie: I want you to take a look at this. (pulls back curtain to show a despondent Robert on the living room couch)
    Ray: So? Hose him off, we'll roll him back in the ocean.
    • Everyone tries to remember when Robert first started doing the "touch chin with utensil before eating" move. Before one anecdote:
    Robert: Oh God... it's like the special psycho edition of This Is Your Life.
    • This, after Marie describes how she used to feed baby Ray at dinner:
    Debra: Marie, where was Robert while you were feeding cute little Raymond?
    Marie: ("who cares" tone) I dunno.

The Nice Talk

  • The very Presbyterian Hank is not hugely keen on attending a Catholic Easter service with the Barones.
    Pat: Oh, why not, Hank? It's interesting to observe other denominations.
    Frank: Yeah. It'll be like a safari for you. Who knows? On the way, we might even spot a herd of Lutherans!
    • Pat suggests that the family do a jigsaw puzzle that she brought from home...which turns out to be a puzzle of a heavy metal band called "Sacred Death".
    Pat: This must be one of Peter's. It was dark in the closet and I just saw the word "sacred".
    Robert: (fascinated/confused) A heavy metal puzzle.
    Pat: Look, it says, "500 pieces of head-banging fun."
    Marie: Sounds difficult.
    Pat: What do you think, Hank?
    Hank: Well, we're already going to Catholic church tomorrow... I guess we can just call it a lost weekend.
    • Debra learns that Ray talked with Pat about a book idea he had. Ray's explanation for why he told Pat but not his own wife is priceless:
    Ray: I didn't want to bother ya.
    • After the Easter service, Hank admits to having approved of Father Hubley's reading of the Resurrection...but can't resist adding "Of course, that's a tough story to botch."
    • Marie, after an Easter service: "The Lord has risen, and now, my brunch."
    • When Peter finds out Ray talked to Pat about a book idea of his:
    Peter: You never talk to me about my comic book ideas!
    Pat: Peter, I would love to. I just have a problem relating to characters that eat human flesh.
    • Robert tries to replicate Ray and Pat's nice talk, only to give up immediately:
      Robert: So, Mother MacDougall. Perhaps this might be a good opportunity to get to know each other a little bit better, huh?
      Pat: Oh, I would like that, Robert.
      Robert: So, um what's your favorite color?
      Pat: Blue.
      Robert: Ah.
      (Pat stares at Robert, waiting for more)
      Robert: ...I gotta go.
    • Later, Robert grills Pat:
      Robert: Can I ask ya? What is wrong with me? You talk to Raymond. I'm your son-in-law! I have a title: SON. IN LAW. He doesn't have a title, NO TITLE!!!
    • Everyone finding out what Ray and Pat talked about. One of the things Pat told Ray was all the interesting stories that happened in Hank's teacher's lounge:
      Hank: GOOD LORD, it was a Christmas party! I do not drink! I had no idea those little rum balls would trigger a slightly salty pirate impersonation!
      Frank: Hot damn, Hank, I'm starting to like you!
    • This line at the end:
    Frank: I didn't know you needed people to talk to. Any time you need support, I'm here for you, dumbass.

Blabbermouths

  • Ray casually mentions that he has a secret about Marie. Debra immediately snaps to attention.
    Ray: Look at you. I've never seen you this excited in bed.
    • Then he spills the beans:
      Ray: You know her, uh, famous homemade sauce?
      Debra: Yeah?
      Ray: You wanna know the secret ingredient?
      Debra: Okay.
      Ray: Gasoline... (Debra looks puzzled) ...which she puts in her car, to drive to Waldbaum's, to go to aisle six, to pick up a jar of Ragu!
      Debra: No way!
      Ray: Look I know it's a little early, but happy anniversary!
    • Robert, to Amy:
    Robert: I'm your husband! Don't you know, after all these years, to tell me immediately when Raymond screws up? You PAGE ME AT WORK!!!

The Model

  • Robert introduces himself at the modeling agency as "Bobby Barone". The receptionist is confused- he meekly clarifies: "Robert Barone".
    • Robert's interview with the modeling exec. At one point, Robert says that in addition to modeling, he can do voice over work. At the end of the interview, the exec recommends Robert use one of the in-house guys to get his picture taken:
    Robert: That sounds grrrrrreat! (Beat) ...Tony the Tiger. I don't know if that guy died.
    • Robert takes Ray to the place where he got his modeling pictures taken, only to discover it's been abandoned. When Robert is understandably confused, he reveals that he gave the photographers $1,000.
      Ray: $1,000?! Are you nuts?!
      Robert: It would've cost a lot more with one of those outside guys!
      (...)
      Ray: Look, you just tell them that you decided that this career was not for you. You're too much of a man.
      Robert: Okay. But, see, they're expecting pictures. Amy knows I-I paid $1,500.
      Ray: I thought you said $1,000!
      Robert: I lied, okay, Raymond?! I'm a moron!
      Ray: All right, so we'll get some new pictures made.
      Robert: No, I can't. That was my last $2,000.
      Ray: $2,000?!
      Robert: I KNOW!!!
      Ray: Well $2,000? What were these, pictures or sculptures?
      Robert: Maybe I'll just jump out the window, if it's really a window!
    • During the photo shoot, Ray stops taking pictures and says "You're not believable as a person."
      Robert: It just so happens that Herbert thought I was "a joy to photograph!"
      Ray: Herbert didn't have any FILM IN THE CAMERA!!!
    • When Ray takes pictures of Robert in the basement and passes them off as a professional photographer's, he shows the family and they're disgusted with the low quality.
      Frank: You didn't pay money for these, did you?
      Ray: What are you talking about?
      Amy: Well, Robert, I think you're very handsome, but these pictures are kind of lousy.
      Ray: What?
      Marie: I agree with Amy. You're a beautiful boy, Robbie, and these photos don't do you justice.
      Amy: They're kind of out of focus.
      Ray: They're not out of focus. Show me where they're out of focus. In fact, I don't know anything about photography, but these are the best pictures I've ever seen.
      Debra: What about this one? The top of his head's cut off.
      Ray: They're going for something! Open your mind!
      Frank: Open the trash and throw these in.
    • Ray accuses the family of not being supportive of Robert's modeling career, pointing at everyone and saying they're too negative. For some reason, he also points at Robert.
    Robert: ...You're losin' me, man.

The Mentor

  • The bit about the "Frank Barone gospel":
    Ray: Close your mind and open your pants!
    Robert: Hygiene, and other wastes of time!
    Ray: Find yourself: Just follow the smell!
    Robert: You know what? We could make some money if he goes on tour: Charge $10 to get in.
    Ray: $20 to get out!
    Amy: Okay fellas, I think that's enough. It is Sunday.
    • Marie thinks Sammy is Frank's secret love child with Harriet Lichtman. Frank denies it and takes a giant chunk of ham with him to eat lunch at the lodge:
    Marie: You know, why did I worry? Who else would sleep with him?
    • This bit:
      Ray: Did Dad and/or the ham ever come back?
      Marie: One came back inside the other.
    • Frank comes back from Sam's store:
      Frank: Hey, you should see Sam's place. You know how many different kinds of envelopes he's got there?
      Ray: 85.
      Frank: (annoyed) 32. Don't be a wise ass.
    • When the others point out that Frank hugged Sammy, but never his own family:
      Frank: I hadn't seen him in thirty years. If you people go away for thirty years, I'll hug you too!
    • Frank tries to leave but Amy blocks his path:
    Frank: Out of my way, sister.
    Amy: I may be new here, but I know this family well enough to know that you boys love each other, and I know exactly what you need.
    Robert: What are you doing? He'll eat you.
    • The grim look on Frank when he's forced to do a group hug with Ray and Robert.
    • Also funny while they're hugging:
      Ray: All right, can we stop? The smells from my childhood are starting to come back.
      Robert: Did we have a monkey?
    • The punchline to the whole situation, where it's revealed that Frank was just as mean and unsympathetic with Sam as he was with Ray and Robert - Sam just interpreted it in a completely different way.
      Sam: You see, this is what I love about this man! My own father candy-coated everything: (mocking) "Oh, you're great, you can do anything, I love you, blah blah blah blah blah." Thank you, Mr. Barone. (walks out; Frank turns around with a smug smirk on his face)
    • Amy tries her hand at Frank's "tough love" and fails badly:
    Amy: Well stop your crying and get off your pity pot, Nancy! (hesitantly puts her hands on her hips)
    Debra: ...You really are queer.

Golf For It

  • Marie asks Ray and Robert to put together some shelves for the laundry room. They finish, but now Marie wants them to sand and paint it too. When the two refuse, Marie says she can't have unfinished wood in the house, and adds:
    • This exchange:
    Frank: You can't talk to your mother like that!
    Ray: You do!
    Frank: She's not my mother!
    • This line from Robert, when he thinks Marie will move into Ray's basement after Frank dies:
    Robert: You're goin' down... to the basement, so you can pretty it all up for (low voice) big mama.
    • Andy's reaction to Ray and Robert's post-car fight - Robert's shirt is pulled over his head and both are covered in jelly from the donuts.
    • The last line of the episode, as Ray casually drops this bombshell:
    Ray: Oh Debra, by the way, I beat Robert at golf, so when dad dies, mom's gonna live with us. (walks out)
    (Debra just stares, speechless)

    Season 9 

The Home

  • Ray, Debra, Robert, and Amy ecstatic about Frank and Marie moving to a retirement condo, celebrating in the kitchen so Frank and Marie don't hear them. At one point, Robert is so excited that he lifts Amy onto the top of the fridge. Ray tries the same thing with Debra but accidentally slams her into the fridge instead.
    • Ray, Debra, Robert and Amy's half second screech of joy when Marie says they're moving.

Not So Fast

  • Debra and Ray being told that Frank and Marie are being kicked out of the retirement condo:
    Scott: I'm glad you came by. We need your parents to move out.
    Debra: (shocked) ...What?
    Scott: I'm sorry to be so blunt, but there have been a number of issues, and they need to go.
    Ray: Wait a minute. You're kicking them out?
    Scott: Yes.
    Debra: I don't understand. Frank and Marie seem incredibly happy here.
    Scott: I assure you, they're the only ones. Your father's been tearing around on his golf cart endangering pedestrians. When our security guards warn your father, he turns his cart and aims for them. One time he shouted, uh "Hit the monkey, win a cookie!" If this were the only issue, we might be able to work through it. But your father's overall demeanor is... sort of like a maniac. One night we caught him inside the walk-in fridge eating an entire bologna. (mimes it)
    Katie: But as bad as your father is...
    Ray: Oh, boy.
    Katie: ...your mother has brought the morale of our community to an all-time low.
    Scott: Go ahead, Katie.
    Katie: None of the other women want to be around her. You know, she has this way of appearing to give a compliment when actually she's insulting you! And she's critical of everything: Clothing, hair, cooking.
    Debra: I don't know where this is coming from. Marie must be making some friends. Isn't she in the cast of "The Unsinkable Molly Brown"?
    Katie: That is now a one-woman show. And when I tried to talk to her about all this, she said that my rude tone might be the reason I don't have a husband.
    Scott: So, we'd like you to take them with you.
    Katie: (on the verge of tears) We have people to help you pack.
    Debra: Now hold on. We are not gonna sit here and listen to you run down these good people. I don't think you've even considered that the problem just may be everyone else. Frank and Marie Barone are fine, religious people. Sure, they might be opinionated, but I find that refreshing! And Marie may have bruised some feelings, but it's important to remember that everything she does comes from love.
    Scott: I understand that you're upset.
    Debra: (desperately) Please don't make us take them back!
    Scott: I'm sorry-
    Debra: Is it money? 'Cause we could pay more money.
    Scott: No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We have to think of the entire community. See, our philosophy here is "Let's all be happy till the end."
    Katie: Some of our residents have threatened to stop taking their medication.
    Debra: I understand, but isn't there something that we just... something? Ray?
    Ray: ...Can WE live here?
    • Marie thinks Robert's work-out equipment is a "sex machine".
    Marie: You two have turned my house into the Playboy Mansion!
    Robert: Ma, we've hardly changed anything!
    • Ray and Robert get in a fight about where Frank and Marie should live, and Robert shouts, "How about I beat you with your own wife?!"
    • Robert's Rage Against the Heavens when he realizes that, despite buying the house from Frank and Marie, they're going to move back in with them.
    Robert: Was this your plan? Huh? You sat up there and you put me through everything and then let me end up like this? Well, let me tell you something, mister: You, are not, FUNNY!
    Debra: (to Ray) He does screw with him a lot.
    • The ending, where Amy and Robert look utterly drained and soul-crushed since Frank and Marie moved back in:
    Robert: Ma wants to know if you and Debra are coming over to watch the opera on television with them and us tomorrow night.
    Ray: Nah I don't think so.
    Robert: That's what I told her.
    Debra: This is the saddest thing I've ever seen.
    Amy: (walks in) Hey.
    Debra: Hi, Amy. How's it going?
    Amy: Marie wanted to make sure you knew before you decided, that Placido Domingo was singing this particular opera.
    Debra: Oh, yeah? Thanks. But I don't think so.
    Amy: That's what I told her.
    (Amy and Robert reluctantly walk back across the street)
    Ray: God IS funny.

Angry Sex

  • Marie wants to give Michael and Geoffrey haircuts, saying they look "slovenly".
    • When Debra finds out that Ray was deliberately making her mad (by lying that Marie was refusing to apologize even though she wanted to) to get angry sex from her:
    Debra: (weirded out) Oh my God. You're like a sex maniac!
    Ray: What? What does that even mean?
    Amy: He didn't tell Debra because he wanted to get sex?
    Robert: Evil sex. Evil, twisted, dirty sex.
    Ray: No no!
    Marie: I'm disappointed, Raymond. You're supposed to think of your mother before sex.

PT&A

  • Robert repeatedly putting his foot in his mouth regarding having a crush on Debra.
    Debra: Marie, you know this [her low cut top and skirt] is not something I would normally wear.
    Marie: I see no difference between this and your other outfits.
    Debra: What?!
    Marie: What about that red dress of yours?
    Debra: What red dress?
    Robert: The one with the open back. You wore it to Mom and Dad's anniversary.
    Amy: (offended) Robert... what was I wearing at your parents' anniversary?
    Robert: You were... ravishing... in a very lovely spring ensemble.
    • The moment when Debra threatens to remove her top to show Marie what "indecent" truly means. Marie hustles out of there- Frank wants to stay but is pulled out by Marie. Amy leaves, and Robert follows, but adds: "This has suddenly taken a very ugly turn, and I, for one, do not want to see what happens next." and takes his sweet time leaving. Then after he finally walks out, Frank sticks his head back in for a second.

Ally's F

  • Amy's idea of a "rebellious teenager phase":
    Amy: One time in church choir, we were all supposed to sing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus," and my friend and I sang "What a Friend We Have in Cheese-Its."
    • Ray talks about how he hated a French teacher when he was in school, Monsieur LeFevre:
    Ray: We had to memorize these French dialogues from records, and at the end of the sentence it would go, "beep!" And you had to repeat the sentence. Like, uh, "Ou est Sylvie?" Beep. "A la piscine", beep. So one day, I go, "Monsieur LeFevre! Do French people really beep like that?" Yeah. He got mad. You know why? 'Cause it got a big laugh.
    Robert: But it's not funny.
    Ray: Then why did people laugh?
    Robert: Nobody laughed.
    Ray: Yes, they did!
    Robert: You were never funny.
    Ray: You were never funny!
    Robert: How'd that class work out?
    Ray: I failed!
    Robert: That's funny!
    • Ally opens up to Debra:
    Ally: Are all boys stupid?
    Debra: ...Yes...?
    • Debra and Ray start off on opposite sides of the issue of Ally's behavior in school. By the end of the episode, they still are, but have completely swapped positions - Debra due to a second encounter with Ally's teacher that helped her see Ally's side of things, Ray because of the information that Ally was being distracted by a boy. When said boy calls asking for Ally, Ray picks up (after finding the ringing phone in the fridge, where Ally had thrown it earlier to hide that she was breaking the terms of her grounding):
    Ray: Hello? ... Who's this? ... Oh, Tooommyyyyyyy! You thought you could hide in the fridge! ... It makes plenty of sense! ... No, she is doing her math homework, and I suggest you do the same!
    (Hangs up, throws the phone back in the fridge, then takes it back out, and throws it in the freezer)
    • After their first meeting with Mr. Putnam, Debra is defensive of him, to which Ray mutters "Why don't you marry him if you love him so much?" At the end of Debra's much less cordial second meeting with him, she leaves with a parting jab: "You are mean, and I wouldn't marry you."

Boys' Therapy

  • Marie threatens that if Frank doesn't join Ray and Robert for therapy, she's going to call cousin Bella, a therapist:
    Marie: (dialing a phone) She's gonna stay with us as long as it takes to make you a person.
    • The first time the boys skip out on the therapy session to go to the track, Robert is reluctant and guilty. Frank, looking through the listings, suddenly declares that they NEED to bet this horse he just saw, because this horse is UNSTOPPABLE. Ray and Robert take a look at the horse's name: "Marie's Mouth." Ray instantly declares it a sign from God and goes in with Frank. Robert hesitates another moment, but then admits, "It is a good sign."
    • Gets a great Call-Back a scene later:
    Frank: I was, as you know, very skeptical. But then I got there, and I have to say... it really paid off. And I owe it all to Marie's Mouth!
    • During the second week of "therapy", Ray and Robert are trying to come up with why Frank was such a jerk:
    Ray: So what's gonna be our breakthrough for today?
    Robert: Let's see. The last thing I told the wives is that we were working on Dad's withholding of affection when we were kids.
    Ray: Good good.
    Robert: And how it impacted negatively on us. For instance, whenever I did something, I always felt that dad was disappointed in me, not to mention the neglect and verbal abuse.
    Ray: Okay. So what can we say as to why you were like that, you know, unreceptive to our needs and stuff?
    Frank: Right right. (thinking) Why was I like that?... 'Cause you two were a couple of monkey's asses. (smiling)
    Ray: I think that might be the "verbal abuse" you're talkin' about, Robert.
    • Marie, Amy, and Debra read the newspaper and discover that the therapist that Ray, Robert, and Frank have been claiming to go to passed away. When the trio present the guys with the obituary, Frank heads for the door.
    Marie: Where do you think you're going, Frank?
    Frank: The news is depressing, I'm gonna lie down.
    Marie: Frank, you better take a good look at this section, 'cause you're gonna be in there tomorrow!
    Ray: [looking at the paper] Well, maybe not tomorrow. Looks like it takes a week.
    • Debra's comment when the truth is revealed:
    Debra: This is dirty happiness! You know what you did. You played on our sensitivities. You took advantage of us. You knew I would be so proud of you, that I'd let you slide on everything around here, including me!
    • The cousin Bella thing gets a great Call-Back at the end of the episode, when Marie follows through:
    Bella: Well, Frank it is my opinion that this lack of communication comes from your fear of intimacy. But what you need to do is listen to your wife when she speaks. Really listen to her. Because it's important that she knows you care about her. So we will explore this together over the next three weeks that I'm here. (Frank scowls) What are you feeling, Frank?
    Frank: What am I feeling? (tilts his head towards Bella)Note 

Debra's Parents

  • Robert encourages Frank to "get the mean out of your system" for Warren and Lois so that he'll be congenial for Hank and Pat the next day.
    Frank: I can't predict these things.
    • Frank asks Warren if he's friends with "Al Al the Lady's Pal." Warren is confused, so he elaborates: "Al-E-Mony."
    Debra: Your parents are unbelievable. "Al-E-Mony"?! Is your father insane?
    • Ray tries confronting Warren and Lois about their fooling around:
    Warren: Ray, we're not getting back together.
    Ray: Yeah, but you guys were...
    Warren: That doesn't mean we're back together.
    Ray: So that was just-
    Lois: (bluntly) SEX.
    Ray: Aah.
    • Debra briefly gets excited about her divorced parents possibly getting back together after Ray informs Debra he saw her parents having sex. But Ray breaks it to her: They're not getting back together; they're just having casual sex. Debra goes upstairs to talk to her parents about it; when she gets upstairs, she is heard yelling "Oh come on! (bolts down the stairs) They're doing it again!"
    Ray: My God, it's like spring break up there!

A Job For Robert

  • Ray observes all the subtle items that Marie has given Robert and Amy to get them in the love-making mood (and thus, giving her grand-kids).
    Ray: You think you're in your bedroom, but you're really in... THE INCUBATOR! (evil laugh)
    • Robert notes that one of the items that Marie gave him was a Barry White CD.
    Robert: You think she has this in her collection? (imitating Barry White) "Oh baby, take off that brassiere, my dear!"
    • Robert tries to have sex with Amy but can't, because he still has Marie in his head. He then does a falsetto impression of her: "Go, Robbie, go!"
    Robert: I just can't. It's too much pressure for me. I can't breed in captivity!
    Marie: (comes in) I found a boomie-box.
    Robert: WE'RE NOT ANIMALS!!!
    • Marie purposefully walking with a limp to get sympathy from everyone so they'll do what she wants.
    • Amy confronting Marie about her manipulations, accusing her of using her and Robert...and giving us this gem:
    Amy: And just so you know, Robert was willing to try, but he couldn't get you out of his head!
    Robert: (slowly slumping forward with shame) Aaaaammmyyyyyy...
    • When Marie tries to butter up Robert by saying she's always favored him over Ray:
    Robert: Do you really expect me to believe this?
    Marie: ...No. (shrugs) I don't expect you to believe anything I say. I've obviously failed as a mother, and I was only hoping to have one more chance as a grandmother.
    Debra: But Marie, you are a grandmother! What about our kids?
    Marie: Oh? Where are they? (walks to the staircase) Ally! Michael! Geofrey! It used to be that I'd walk through that door and I'd be smothered with hugs and kisses.
    Ally: (comes down the steps with Michael and Geofrey) Yeah?
    Marie: (holding out arms) Grandma's here!
    (the three don't move and just stare at her blankly)
    Ally/Michael/Geofrey: Hi. (go back upstairs)
    Marie: You see?
    Debra: Oh, come on, Marie, you know they love you.
    Ray: Yeah. Maybe if you just gave them time to miss you.
    Marie: Well, there'll be plenty of time soon enough. (purposefully limps again)
    • The ending, when Robert rhythmically hits a chair on the floor, which sounds like bed-thumping from the other room.
    Robert: I can't even do this for fifteen minutes.

A Date For Peter

  • "A Date For Peter":
    • Hank describing Peter as an "unkempt layabout that constantly disappoints us".
    • Hank and Pat are concerned about Peter's lack of dating life, so Robert says he just needs some pointers. Hank approaches Robert: "That is a good idea."... and asks Ray to do it.
    • Robert being forced to be the bartender at the cocktail party.
    Robert: Why couldn't you just hire a bartender? The girl over there wanted a Singapore Sling. I don't know what the hell that is. I'm not Asian!
    • Then when Peter arrives, he tells Robert, "I think I will have a sloe gin fizz, barkeep." Robert dryly replies, "You'll have a beer."
    • Frank, to Ray: "What's your problem, stupid?"
    • Ray accuses Debra of inviting Peggy to the cocktail party solely because she wants a partner in her on-going fight against her enemy. Marie, clueless, asks, "Who's that??" To avoid answering the question, Debra screams, "YOU ARE RUINING THIS FOR PETER!!!"
    • After Peter and Peggy leave separately, Robert (half drunk) approaches Ray:
    Robert: It's bad enough you ruined my life, but you had to do the same to my brother-in-law? You are a selfish ass, who walks among regular humans. But now it's time for everybody to see, that YOU. ARE. ASS. (Beat) Sssh... don't tell Amy, but Stefania's here.

The Faux Pas

  • After Ray mentions the "joke" he told Chris:
    Marie: Raymond, you're a lovely boy, but this is why sometimes when you talk, my heart goes into my throat.
    Robert: I agree 100%, Ma, except for the "lovely boy" part.
    • What gets Robert to leave: Ray telling Robert he went through puberty when he was six.
    Robert: You stole that line from dad! Come on, Amy, we're getting the paper and moving far, far away from Jackass Lane! (walks out)
    Amy: ...I'll still visit.
    • Ray learns the proper terminology for janitor:
    George: Now that you mention it, we prefer the term "custodian".
    Ray: Right. "Custodian". I meant custodian.
    Debra: (to George) I always say "custodian".
    Ray: (defensively) I've said "custodian"!
    • Ray trying to deflect the criticism off himself by re-telling the story about how Robert arrested someone for "flashing gang signs":
    Ray: And you started reading him his rights, but he just kept flashing gang signs, making you madder and madder. He wasn't breaking the law, was he?
    Robert: No.
    Ray: What was he doing?
    Robert: ...He was being deaf.
    Ray: Fee Fi Faux Pas!
    Robert: Oh God, I still remember. (doing sign language) I'm so, so, sorry.
    • When Marie and Frank come in and meet the twins' friend's dad:
    Debra: This is Chris' dad George.
    Frank: The janitor?? Marie, you said he was black!
    (everyone gasps)
    Marie: No I didn't!
    Frank: What are you talking about?!
    Marie: No, I said he was African-American!
    (everyone gasps again)
    Frank: Okay. What are you arguing for?
    Marie: It's just, well well, I you know, I think it's wonderful that anyone can be a janitor now.
    George: It's okay, I really have to go.
    Debra: I want to assure you that Marie does not speak for all of us.
    Frank: No, she just speaks more than all of us.
    Marie: Who are you to talk?! You came in saying "black"!
    Ray: (appalled) Oh my GOD!
    • The final scene in the episode. Even the most ardent haters of this episode have to admit that the slooooow reveal of Marie behind the door, and the cold stare that Marie gives Amy as the episode ends is just amazing.
    Amy: Chris and his dad are outside and he asked me to get his keys for him. It seemed like he doesn't want to come back inside.
    Robert: I don't blame him. It was kind of a nightmare.
    Amy: Oh yeah? Did your mother come over and make things worse, as usual?

Favors

  • Gianni's impression of Ray:
    Gianni: I love Muhammad Ali, and Muhammad Ali loves meeeeee!
    Debra: You still need your mother to tell you when my birthday is?!
    Ray: You still need my mother to cover for you when you destroy my letters from Muhammad Ali?!
    • Marie's epic speech when Ray accuses her of being controlling by forcing them to do favors for her so she'll keep their secrets:
    Marie: Excuse me. Did I ask you all to come to me and ask for these favors? You come to me because you know that I can deliver. Go out on the street and ask for those favors and see what you get. And so, yes maybe sometimes I ask for a favor in return, once in a blue moon. And you call that controlling? I call that a family.
    Amy: A Mafia family...
    Marie: Is that what you think, Amy?
    Amy: (nervous smile) ...I'm sorry.

Sister-in-Law

  • This:
    Robert: I know what this is: I got something good, and you can't stand it. Oh, you never could. Remember when I made that diorama in Mr. Carolan's history class? Everybody said how great it was, everybody! I won a prize! But you said it stunk!
    Ray: You had George Washington fighting a dinosaur.
    Robert: (shouting) IT WAS A DRAGON, RAYMOND, A DRAGON THAT REPRESENTED YEARS OF BRITISH TYRANNY! Which just goes to show how stupid you were then, and now.
    Ray: Robert, I didn't-
    Robert: Everybody thinks my wife is great, EVERYBODY!!!
    • When Amy apologizes to Ray about the other day: "Let me get this straight: Ray insults you, but you get mad at me and then you apologize to him? What are you, taking lessons from my mom?! (Marie looks offended) ...Who I love?!"
    • This bit:
    Debra: You never listen, ever.
    Robert: Never EVER.
    Amy: Oh, don't try to lay it all on Ray, Robert. Last night you made it very clear that you think I talk too much.
    Ray: (shaking his head at Robert) Oh, dude.
    • Debra and Robert demonstrate to Ray how to have a simple conversation. Marie wants to try it with Ray.
    Marie: Hello, Raymond.
    Ray: Hello, mother. Oh, look, ma: A bear in pants. (looks at Robert)
    Marie: Yes, he is quite hairy.
    Robert: No, ma, he's not doing it right!
    Ray: Yes he is, ma. He's also ugly. He should really wear a welder's mask.
    • At the end of the episode, Robert demands to know what Ray and Amy were talking about in the kitchen:
    Robert: (to Amy) Did you tell them about my pedicures?
    Amy: No, Robert. (Ray walks into the living room)
    Ray: (from other room) Robert paints his feet like a lady!
    Frank: (also from other room) Holy crap!
    • In the epilogue, Ray and Amy share a laugh at a TV commercial. What follows are some comical overreactions:
    Robert: Why don't you just sleep with him already?! (storms out)
    Debra: I've been sitting here all night too, you know. (also storms out)

The Power of No

  • Ray strolling into the bedroom in satin underpants, trying to seduce Debra.
    Debra: Did you put oil on?
    Ray: No, it's just my natural juices.
    • Another funny bit that's not often brought up: At the start of this scene, when Debra enters the bedroom in her skimpy lingerie, she seductively says, "Okay, well goodn-" and turns around, only to realize Ray's not even in the room.

Pat's Secret

  • Robert sees Pat outside and goes to check on her. She initially responds with head nods, and then it's revealed why: She was holding in some cigarette smoke. She finally lets out a cloud of it, but tries to cover:
    Pat: Your mom's cacciatore was very spicy.
    • In general, the body language from Pat whenever she's smoking.
    • Robert tries a cigarette to bond with Pat but gets sick. He crawls back into bed and Amy notices an odor.
    Robert: (bolts out of bed) Would you stop smelling me?!
    • Marie finds out Robert smoked and tells Frank to smell him. Frank goes right for his rear end.
    Marie: No, not there, his shirt!
    Amy: Just you know how you always have to have your toothbrush in the holder always facing to the right?
    Robert: Yeah, east.
    Amy: Right, "east". So, sometimes, I don't know why... (mischievous smile) I turn it. West.
    Robert: (aghast) THAT'S YOU?!?!

The Finale

  • Ray imagines Debra's thoughts if he had passed away while in the operating room.
    Ray: "Oh, well, now I'm a widow! I guess I have to raise three kids on my own. On the other hand, I guess I could start dating again. I need a new pair of shoes. Hey, you know who's cute? Gianni!"
    Marie: (appalled) Debra!
    • In the same episode, Marie hugging and kissing Ray (on his bed, mind you) after she found out Ray almost died on the operating table.
    Marie: Oh, my sweet Raymond!
    Ray: Would somebody please tell me why my worst nightmare is coming true?!?!?!
    • Also, she does this just as Ray and Debra were getting ready to, *ahem*, make use of the bed...
    Debra: [resigned] I knew one day this would happen.

    Other 

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