History Funny / DragonAgeII

--> '''Isabela:''' It's been years and not once have you tried to get me to repent and turn to the maker.\\
'''Sebastian:''' Preacing seldom works, Isabela. To change a person's heart one must lead by example.\\

** Slightly more amusing with a male Hawke, since this takes place right after dealing with [[FrenchJerk Baron Arlange]]... who's ''[[TalkingToHimself also]]'' voiced by Nicholas Boulton.

** To help Bethany transition to the Circle, Isabela sends her letters and books full of the dirtiest stories imaginable.

-->'''Aggressive!Hawke:''' [[ImStandingRightHere I can hear you, you know.]]\\

--> '''Hawke:''' 'The Only One In Kirkwall ''Not'' Completely Insane' was considered.

--> '''Hawke:''' They gave me a medal. It's very shiny.

** It's even better if you bring Aveline along. The man is a corrupt guard who just admitted to deserting his post and allowing the Qunari emissaries to be kidnapped... [[WhatAnIdiot right in front of the guard captain.]] Aveline grabs him and [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome intimidates him into telling her who bribed him without a fight.]] Then she lets him go and tells him "Deserting your post gets you ten days on the wall. I'll expect you at dawn." The creep actually lets out a scared little whimper before scampering off.

-->'''Varric:''' Hawke, this is Gerav. He's a greedy, brilliant, bastard son-of-a-nug from the Carta. Gerav, this is Hawke, the one whose blood you want to drink or bathe in or whatever. But if you're after eternal youth, I've got to tell you, s/he's no virgin.

* Sergeant Johanna's complete DeadpanSnarker tone when she describes the conspiration of some Amaranthine nobles against the Hero of Ferelden as a [[TooDumbToLive "truly stellar idea"]]. Like many references to the Hero of Ferelden, it becomes much funnier if they are Warden-Commander Amell, Hawke's second cousin.

* Sarcastic!Hawke's report of Ninette's fate to Emeric:
-->'''Emeric:''' These are human bones. ''[sigh]'' Then there is no chance of finding Mharen alive - or any of the others.
-->'''Hawke:''' If they're not dead, watch out for a bunch of boneless women flopping through the streets.

-->'''Varric''': I think that statue over there is a statement on modern life. Possibly the statement is, "Well, shit."

-->'''Varric''': And this array of sculptures is known as "Scurvy Bastards Reflecting on Modern Life." After much reflection, they appear to have come to the conclusion, "Well, shit."

-->'''Varric''': You can't miss the Keep. It practically screams "Nothing fun ''ever'' happens here."

--->'''Varric''': ''(sarcastically)'' Oh right, the rusty metal spike district! My favorite part of town! ''Can we go now?''

--->'''Merrill''': They're so big and grim. I wonder what would happen if I tickled one of them?

-->'''Isabela''': I hear he still wears the shackles of his old life...''under his clothes''. You know what they say about a man like that, don't you? ... ''He can't find a saw''! ''[cackles]'' I had you there. You thought I was going to say something dirty! ''[she continues laughing while Hawke {{facepalm}}s]''

-->'''Hawke''': ''A Hundred and One Uses For a Phallic Tuber.'' Thanks, Isabela, that's a hundred too many.

-->'''Merrill''': Hello, I’m Merrill, and I’ll be your distraction!
-->'''Merrill''': I’m going to taunt you in elvish now! Durgen’len! Aravel! Vallaslin! [[note]]"Dwarf", "wagon" and "blood writing", respectively.[[/note]]
-->'''Merrill''': Over here you... you... [[BuffySpeak vile, mean... thing]]!

--> '''Isabela''': [[OhCrap Hawke's down!]] Time to panic!
--> '''Aveline''': The moody mage is down.
--> '''Merrill''': Ugh, can someone pick up Fenris, please?
--> '''Aveline''': Isabela's on the ground! [[DeadpanSnarker Appropriately...]]
--> '''Carver''': The dwarf has dropped a few more feet!
--> '''Isabela''': Merrill! Oh, blood mages are so ''dramatic''.
--> '''Male!Hawke''': [[LargeHam MY FACE IS NOT A SHIELD!]]
--> '''Sebastian''': MAAAAAAAAAAN DOWWWWWWWWWN!
--> '''Merrill''': Varric, if you are faking, ''I will strangle you.''

-->'''Anders''': If we had a rock to push uphill, this would perfectly sum up my life.

--->'''Fenris''': The ancient elves were ''brilliant''.

--->'''Merrill''': I hate to say it, but my ancestors were not thinking clearly when they decided to bury people on top of a mountain.

---> '''Varric''': Andraste's sanctified tits! Who on earth would make the ground vertical!

-->'''NPC''': Don't wave that around! I mean... thank you for returning this perfectly harmless item to me.

--->'''Hawke''': Your lost garbage, serah.

-->'''Varric''': Does this stuff have side effects?!

--->'''Isabela''': And they say drinking never solves anything.

-->'''Xenon''': Please...''don't'' fondle Andraste.
-->'''Xenon''': Those rare enchanted items are the prize of my collection... '''ALSO SOCKS!''' You can never have enough... socks...
-->'''Xenon''': Do not... ''maaannnn''handle the urchin, he's ''not'' for sale. '''FIND YOUR OWN!'''

-->'''Flemeth''': I half-expected my amulet to end up in some merchant's pocket.
-->'''Hawke''': No one wanted to buy it. Maybe because there was a witch inside?

--->'''Flemeth''': We stand upon the precipice of change. The world fears the inevitable plummet into the abyss. ''Watch'' for that moment-- and when it comes, do not hesitate to leap. It is only when you fall that you learn whether you can ''fly''.
--->'''Hawke''': And then what?
--->'''Flemeth''': Do what I do, of course. Become a dragon! ''[bursts out laughing, before stopping suddenly]'' You could never be a dragon.

--->'''Flemeth''': We all have our burdens.

-->'''Aveline''': Not now, Hawke.

--->'''Hawke''': It'll be nice to have the law on my side for a change.
--->'''Aveline''': You'll behave yourself. I just sent Jeven to prison for corruption, I'm not going to start down that road.
--->'''Hawke''': You never let me have any fun!
--->'''Bethany''': Thank goodness.

--->'''Merrill''': I'm sorry. You're not really seeing the Dalish at their best. We're good people, who look out for each other. Just not today, it seems.
--->'''Hawke''': But the Dalish are delightful! I was thinking of having the whole clan over for tea!
--->'''Merrill''': I'm sure they'd never accept... Oh, right. Sarcasm.

-->'''Isabela''': There was a brothel on the slummier side of Antiva City called the Bone Pit. It was entirely different from this.

--->'''Mine Worker''': Just don't go that way. There's this huge dragon. ''[leaves]''
--->'''Merrill''': Oh, are we going to go that way? I've never seen a huge dragon before!

-->'''Magistrate Vanard''': I was looking for someone with your... "special talents".\\
'''Silly!Hawke''': I'm guessing you don't mean my ability to juggle small rodents while humming Orlesian ballads.\\
'''Magistrate Vanard''': If that is your greatest skill, then I have been misinformed... I need somebody with muscle, not... whatever you were just describing...

-->'''Hawke''': Leave it to me. By the time I'm done, these Templars will swear the sky is green!

-->'''Merrill''': But there really isn't a fire is there?
-->'''Hawke''': [[OhCrap It's a trick, Merrill.]]
-->'''Merrill''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Ooohhh, that's very clever then.]]

--> '''Aggressive!Hawke''': I'm interested in your Deep Roads maps, not a diatribe on your strange personal habits.

---> '''Aggressive!Hawke''': Don't you have anything ''positive'' to say?
---> '''Fenris''': ''[{{beat}}]'' The wine was tasty?

-->'''Fenris''': If I'd known Anso would find me a man/woman so capable, I'd have asked him sooner.
-->'''Hawke''': You sound like you're about to ask for a loan.

-->'''Isabela''': The difference between a courtesan and a whore is... well, the shoes are nicer.\\
'''Aveline''': I think your shoes are fine.

--->'''Anders''': If someone tries to hire me again, I'm leaving.

-->'''Emeric''': These are human bones. ''[sigh]'' Then there is no chance of finding Mharen alive - or any of the others.
-->'''Hawke''': If they're not dead, watch out for a bunch of boneless women flopping through the streets.

-->'''Fenris''': I see. Then we have wrongly inserted ourselves into another's affairs. Would you have us kill this dwarf?
-->'''Javaris''': [[OhCrap Wait. What now?]]

-->'''Hawke''': So you think the Templars... what? Killed and ate your brother?

--->'''Hawke''': Don't worry. Helping people and killing people are what I'm best at.
--->'''Macha''': Uhh... I uh, hope there will be no call to kill anyone, serah.

-->'''Isabela''': Mmm. Apostate prostitutes? Apostitutes!

-->'''Anders''': ''(deadpan)'' AWizardDidIt.

-->'''Hawke''': And how did you do ''that''?
-->'''Sandal''': ''Not'' enchantment.

--->'''Varric''': ...Smart boy.

-->'''Varric''': I ''swear'', I will find that son of a bitch - sorry, Mother - and I will kill him!

-->'''Varric''': Andraste's ass, dwarves actually ''lived'' down here? On ''purpose''? What in blazes for?
-->'''Varric''': I am getting truly sick of looking at stalagmites. Or is it stalactites? Shit, I don't know.
-->'''Varric''': I will not be sorry to see daylight.

-->'''Sergeant Johanna''': A truly stellar idea, if you know something about him/her.

-->'''Hawke''': Maker, she's bad at this.
-->'''Hawke''': ''(after Aveline's second failed attempt at small talk)'' Ugh, painful.

-->'''Isabela''': Wait... you've been without for four years? You must creak like a rusty hinge.
-->'''Aveline''': Many people have their lives because of me!
-->'''Isabela''': But meanwhile, poor you, with no life of your own.
-->'''Aveline''': We both put others above ourselves. I happen to do it ''clothed''.
-->'''Isabela''': You're splitting hairs, but wishing someone would split yours.
-->'''Aveline''': I've had enough of your loose lips! Like many others, I'm sure!
-->'''Isabela''': Ooo, ''touché''. Prig!
-->'''Aveline''': Slattern!

-->'''Hawke''': If I might put this back on track...?

--->'''Varric''': All right. I'm going to draw a picture of where she wants to touch you.

--->'''Isabela''': Psst. I've got some of it written down now.
--->'''Varric''': Give it here. "Her breasts strained against the leather jerkin like two wild stallions corralled against their will." ''[chuckles]'' "She pounced – the smooth moves of a jungle cat–and locked her thighs around Donnic's waist. He–-"
--->'''Aveline''': What?
--->'''Isabela''': Nothing.
--->'''Aveline''': What is that?
--->'''Isabela''': Shh! ''[giggles]''
--->'''Varric''': Isabela just thought she'd celebrate your love affair with a... written dedication.
--->'''Isabela''': It's "[[FanFic friend-fiction!]]" I do it out of love.
--->'''Aveline''': I will never, ever be clean again.

-->'''Hawke''': You could try the copper marigolds again. In hindsight, they weren't the worst option.
-->'''Aveline''': It's not funny!
-->'''Hawke''': I beg to differ.
-->'''Aveline''': You'll beg for more than that if you keep this up!

--->'''Aveline''': I thought it was clear! Metal is strong, copper ages well, flowers are soft.

--->'''Merrill''': Don't be silly! A dowry would only matter if you were courting him!
--->'''Aveline''': ''[sighs]'' ''Merrill''...
--->'''Merrill''': ''[gasps]'' You're courting him!

--->'''Varric''': I think my jaw just landed in the Deep Roads somewhere.
--->'''Aveline''': Not a word, dwarf.
--->'''Varric''': I wouldn't dream of mocking your... unconventional courtship.

--->'''Isabela''': Hold on a minute, you're sweet on the boy.
--->'''Aveline''': So help me whore, I will break you!
--->'''Isabela''': Oh, this is glorious! All of this flailing is her idea of courtship.

-->'''Aveline''': I was mute and now I want to sing.
-->'''Hawke''': ''[grimaces]'' Please don't.

-->'''Donnic''': ''(to Aveline)'' It will be grand [[FreudianSlip having you over me]]. [[VerbalBackspace Above me. In rank]], that is.

-->'''Merrill''': Is it like you thought? It's nice, isn't it? He seems nice.
-->'''Aveline''': Yes, he's very... nice.
-->'''Merrill''': I know! And you're so cute when you're with him! Not like normal-you at all!
-->'''Aveline''': Haven't you got something unholy to do?
-->'''Merrill''': No, we're following Hawke. That's important, too.

-->'''Aveline''': I don't think I've asked to be made the butt of your jokes.
-->'''Hawke''': Donnic.
-->'''Aveline''': ''([[{{Beat}} long pause]])'' Okay, sometimes I have asked for it.

--->'''Hawke''': ''[turning in the quest]'' The screaming mage?

-->'''Sebastian''': Hawke? We were just talking about you.\\
'''Hawke''': Saying good things, I hope. / Carry on. I love to eavesdrop. / Is the Flint Company bothering you again?\\
'''Varric''': "Hawke said diplomatically." / "Hawke said sarcastically." / "Hawke asked aggressively."\\
'''Hawke''': You know I hate it when you do that.\\
'''Varric''': "Hawke muttered in an angry aside to the dwarf..."

--> '''Hawke''': Is it brilliant or horrible that you play Diamondback with my dog?
-->'''Varric''': All I'm saying is, he'd be up more than two sovereigns if he watched his tells.

-->'''Man''': You heart-worm, you!

--->'''Sebastian''': I've known Ruxtan Harriman my whole life! He's a complete ''prude''!
--->'''Isabela''': That's my kind of prude.

-->'''Sebastian''': What? Why are you smiling at me like that... oh. Ohhhh my. [...] I think I need to pray. A lot.

--> '''Fenris''': I didn't realize you were in the market for a slave.
--> '''Hawke''': I gave her a ''job'', Fenris.
--> '''Fenris''': ''(beat)'' Ah, then... that's good... my apologies.

-->'''Isabela''': I like big boats. I cannot lie.

--->'''Hawke''': "I like big boats. I cannot lie"? Really, Isabela?

--->'''Isabela''': Well, I do!

-->'''Merrill''': More demons. Feynriel's mind draws them the same way pastries draw Varric.

-->'''Seneschal Bran''': Although where you'd find a guardsman so quick to sell his honor and duty, I'm sure ''I'' wouldn't know.
-->'''Anders''': ''(immediately)'' The Hanged Man.
-->'''Varric''': ''(almost simultaneously)'' Hanged Man.
-->'''Hawke''': No question.

--->'''Fenris''': The Hanged Man
--->'''Merrill''': Hanged Man.
--->'''Varric''': ''(to Hawke)'' Obvious one that.

--->'''Anders''': The Hanged Man.
--->'''Varric''': Hanged Man.
--->'''Sebastian''': Even ''I'' know that.

-->'''Hawke''': How about we let your man handle this one?
-->'''Aveline''': How about [[AssShove I shove a canary up your coal mine]]? Let's go.

-->'''Bartrand''': ''[in Varric's dream sequence]'' Oh Varric! [[AintTooProudToBeg Please forgive me, my brother!]] [[GreenEyedMonster I was just jealous of you!]] [[ParentalFavoritism How could I ever compete with you for Mother's love?!]] You're strong and handsome and so very smart.

-->'''Varric''': [[DefensiveWhat What?]]
-->'''Cassandra''': Why lie now about this? What have you to gain?
-->'''Varric''': What do you want from me? I broke in, I found my brother, [[{{Understatement}} and it was awkward]]. Family business.

-->'''Merrill''': If you were Dalish, our people would have a kingdom by now... ''({{Beat}})'' ...and half of Thedas would be attacking us, so maybe things worked out for the best.

--->'''Merrill''': ''[while lying in bed with Hawke]'' What happens now? Are we... what did this mean?
--->'''Hawke''': You know, we might have to [[DoubleEntendre try that a few more times]] to really get the meaning.

-->'''Hawke''': Merrill couldn't hurt you if she tried! At worst she'd make frowny faces.

--->'''Hawke''': Whoever you are, come out. You don't need to hide. Unless you're a dragon, then you can keep on hiding.

-->'''Hawke''': They even killed his dog to prove a point. ''(concerned voice)'' His ''dog'', Hubert! You know how important they are to Fereldans!

-->'''Hawke''': Just hand over the elves or we'll take them by force!
-->'''Aveline''': Hawke!

--> '''Hanged Man patron''': I hear the Champion of Kirkwall has killed a dozen dragons, and sleeps on a bed made from their bones. And I hear s/he uses the Arishok's skull as a gravy boat.

-->'''Alistair''': Well, I suppose I should get back to the old ball and chain.
-->'''Teagan''': You know the queen hates it when you call her that.
-->'''Alistair''': No, she doesn't! Just because she killed an Archdemon, she doesn't scare me!
-->'''Teagan''': You keep telling yourself that, Your Majesty.

--->'''Teagan''': The Hero of Ferelden should be back in Denerim.
--->'''Alistair''': You're always so formal. S/he has a name, you know.

-->'''Aveline''': In about ten seconds, I'm just going to smash everything in sight.

--->'''Merrill''': Hello? Messere ghost? Would you stop that, please?

---> '''Anders''': Andraste's flaming knickers!

---> '''Isabela''': ''[shrieks]'' Er... sorry.

--> '''Hawke''': How do you know Isabela?
--> '''Zevran''': How does anyone ''know'' Isabela?
--> '''Isabela''': Yes, well... you'll never know Isabela again if you keep that up.

--->'''Hawke''': You know him best, what do you think?
--->'''Isabela''': I've had better.
--->'''Hawke''': I meant about letting him go or not.
--->'''Isabela''': Oh! Right! I'd let him go.

---> '''Zevran''': I should be going.
---> '''Isabela''': Wait, that's it? What about sex?
---> '''Zevran''': Ah, Isabela, how I've missed you.
---> '''Isabela''': That's because you have piss-poor aim. Thankfully, you have other uses...

---> '''Zevran''': ''[laughs]'' Still blunt as a dwarven hammer, hmmm? Well, why not!
---> '''Hawke''': ''(romantic option selected)'' Um, hello? ImStandingRightHere.
---> '''Isabela''': What? You can come too.
---> '''Zevran''': Indeed! The more the merrier!
---> '''Hawke''': Let's find someplace quieter.

-->'''Anders''': Now that I'm living here there isn't room for you in the bed. Do you understand?
-->'''Dog''': ''[whines then howls]''
-->'''Anders''': That won't work on me. I'm a cat person. Cheer up, old boy. Maybe you can bunk with Sandal!
-->'''Sandal''': Enchantment!
-->'''Dog''': ''[Happy bark!]''

-->'''Gamlen''': I hear you moved that apostate boy into your house. [[LikeFatherLikeSon You really are your mother's daughter.]]

-->'''Sebastian''': Crawling through blight-infested tunnels, rescuing Wardens in peril. This is what I signed on for.

-->'''Isabela''': ...That's so clever! I was going to say we challenge Velasco to a riddle game and make "Where's your boss?" one of the riddles. This is ''so much'' better.

--->'''Isabela''': Step one, we find Velasco, step two... something exciting happens. Step three... Profit!

--->'''Isabela''': Now, this needs to be convincing. And you'll need to get creative--call me names, even hit me.\\
'''Isabela''': Stick with it, no matter what I do. Velasco's a clever son of a bitch. If you waver, he'll notice.\\
'''Diplomatic!Hawke''': I don't know if I can pull this off.\\
'''Isabela''': Come on, haven't you ever wanted to slap me? Just a little?\\
'''Aveline''': Absolutely.\\
'''Fenris''': Yes.\\
'''Anders''': Yes.\\
'''Varric''': Yes.\\
'''Merrill''': Yes... wait, what are we voting on?\\
'''Sebastian''': Is that a trick question?\\
'''Isabela''': I wasn't asking you people!\\
'''Varric''': Face it. You set yourself up for that one.\\

'''Silly!Hawke''': I'm worried about you. You're enjoying this a little too much.\\
'''Isabela''': I am, aren't I? ''[giggles]''\\

'''Aggressive!Hawke''': I'll make it convincing, not to worry.\\
'''Isabela''': Er... now you're making me nervous.

--->'''Hawke''': Remember that one time you ran off with a Qunari relic? It's like that, only funnier.

--->'''Isabela''': Why did you do that!?
--->'''Hawke''': Remember that one time you ran off with a Qunari relic?
--->'''Isabela''': [[NeverLiveItDown Are you going to hold that over me forever?]]

-->'''Hawke''': Mage this, Templar that, is there anywhere in Kirkwall people don't talk about this?
-->'''Varric''': No, and I've looked, believe me. Even the rats in Darktown are following this mess.
-->'''Merrill''': Really? Which side are they on?
-->'''Varric''': About a third support the templars, a third are pro-mage, and the rest support more cheese on both sides.
-->'''Sebastian''': The last time the mages rebelled against the Chantry, they ended up ruling Tevinter. Should we just ignore them?
-->'''Anders''': Well, if it's not too much trouble...

--->'''Leliana''': The Divine has always suspected that Kirkwall's problems were spurred by an outside group.
--->'''Anders''': Like any mage with a brain can't come up with "Let's rebel"?
--->'''Varric''': To be fair, Blondie, a lot of those 'rebellions' boil down to, "Let's feed ourselves to demons!" Outside help of the planning variety ''might'' be required.

--->'''Isabela''': "Sister Nightingale," indeed. I remember it didn't take much to make you ''sing''.
--->'''Merrill''': [[CloudCuckooLander I like singing.]] [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Were you in a choir together?]]

--> '''Terath''': You do not belong here, [[FantasticSlurs shemlen]].
--> '''Snarky!Hawke''': What about my--Dear Maker! Where did my self-righteousness and pointy ears go?
--> '''Terath''': Why, you... You... [[LameComeback Shemlen!]]

-->'''Hawke''': Is that all you do? Dwell on the negative?
-->'''Fenris''': No! I - ''[pauses]'' Well, all right. Yes. Fair enough.

-->'''Fenris''': Fish, fish and more fish. [[http://youtu.be/zqbL-3XsLDQ Pfaugh!]] Let's look for those crates.

--->'''Hawke''': You know, she looks nothing like you. Thank the Maker for small miracles, hm?
--->'''Gamlen''': Really. I... [[LateToThePunchline Hey!]]

-->'''Hawke''': ''([[DeadpanSnarker deadpan]])'' Summoned a horror. Of course. [[LampshadeHanging Why]] ''wouldn't'' I do that?

-->'''Hawke''': So I shouldn't slit my wrists and dance naked under the moonlight just to fit in?
-->'''Love Interest''': I would pay to see that.

--->'''Orsino''': Well, if ''that's'' what you're planning, perhaps I should join you after all.

--->'''Aggressive!Hawke''': He told people he was a blood mage to ''get girls.'' Keep him locked up and you'll be fine.

--->'''Varric''': Can I kill him yet? [[SuckinessIsPainful He's hurting me.]]

--->'''Merrill''': That'll never work. Your tongue is not nearly raspy enough. At best you'll just drool a lot.

-->'''Hawke''': What aren't you telling me?
-->'''Anders''': Oh, many things, I'm sure. Did I tell you about the dream I had where the Grand Cleric was completely naked, except for her miter? And there was this giant glowing cheese wheel...

-->'''Fenris''': I, uh... ''(to Meredith)'' I have changed my mind, human. I will stand with my friend.

-->'''Merrill''': Do you feel like this is all a dream?\\
'''Hawke''': In a minute I'll look down and see I've got no pants on.\\
'''Merrill''': ''[giggles]'' The Champion of Kirkwall going into battle naked! ''({{beat}}, then dreamily)'' [[CovertPervert Why can't I ever have that dream]]?

-->'''Hawke''': Abominations and blood magic? [[ButForMeItWasTuesday Sounds like a Tuesday.]]

--->'''Tallis''': The Montfort family inherited this mountain from a clan of Nevarran dragon hunters. Well, maybe 'inherited' is the wrong word. What do you call it when you kill someone in order to get all their stuff?
--->'''Aggressive!Hawke''': [[ButForMeItWasTuesday Tuesday.]]

--->'''Snarky!Hawke''': [[KleptomaniacHero Adventuring!]]

-->'''Carver''': Many of us got tattoos before Ostagar. Mabari, for strength.
-->'''Fenris''': Does it [[CursedWithAwesome curse you with the ability to reach into a man's chest and tear out his heart?]]
-->'''Carver''': No. But I can make it bark.
-->'''Fenris''': Please don't.
-->'''Varric''': Seconded.
-->'''Aveline''': Agreed.
-->'''Anders''': Yes, refrain.
-->'''Merrill''': That's... ew.
-->'''Isabela''': Rather see it wag.
-->'''Hawke''': ''(sigh)''

-->'''Hawke''': Carver, what would Mother say?
-->'''Carver''': You're just -- that's not what I... shit!

--> '''Bethany''': That book you were reading this morning, ''Hessarian's Spear''. I don't think he had a spear in the legends.
--> '''Isabela''': He does in this one. Read the description.
--> '''Bethany''': "Andraste knelt before no man but her Maker. But she hadn't counted on the Archon Hessarian. Can Hessarian penetrate the tight-knit defenses of the warrior-prophetess? Will she be prepared to face the full blast of his... power?" ...''Wait a minute''... Isabela, this is a vulgar thing!
--> '''Isabela''': You want to borrow it?
--> '''Bethany''': ''No!''
--> '''Isabela''': You sure? It has ''pictures''.
--> '''Bethany''': Not listening, I'm not listening!

--->'''Bethany''': So you must have been with a lot of men.
--->'''Isabela''': Men. Women. Elves. [[MythologyGag A dwarf in drag once]], but I don't recommend that.
--->'''Bethany''': Oh...
--->'''Isabela''': Aw, you're blushing! How many lovers have you had?
--->'''Bethany''': I... I never...
--->'''Isabela''': You're a ''virgin''? Hawke, you've been holding out on the poor girl. Get her a night at the Blooming Rose, on me!
--->'''Bethany''': That's... um... very generous.
--->'''Isabela''': I'm a giver!

--->'''Bethany''': So you've... been with women? In bed?
--->'''Isabela''': Shocking, isn't it? You see, Sweetness, men are only good for one thing. Women are good for six.
--->'''Bethany''': Six? ''(hesitantly)'' ... which six?
--->'''Hawke''': ''(alarmed)'' ''Isabela!''
--->'''Isabela''': ''[laughs]''

-->'''Merrill''': If they ran away, the Dalish would help them.
-->'''Fenris''': That's as useful as saying 'If they flew into the sky, then they could live in the clouds'.
-->'''Merrill''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint But what would they eat? There's nothing in the clouds but fluff and the occasional bird.]]
-->'''Fenris''': ...This is why no one takes the Dalish seriously.

-->'''Fenris''': I suppose a pair of lyrium ''breasts'' tattooed on my chest would make things better.

--->'''Fenris''': I thought all dwarves had beards. Where's yours?
--->'''Varric''': I misplaced it, along with my sense of dwarven pride and my gold-plated noble caste pin.
--->'''Fenris''': I thought maybe it fell onto your chest.
--->'''Varric''': Oh-ho! The broody elf tells a joke!
--->'''Fenris''': I don't brood.
--->'''Varric''': Friend, if your brooding were any more impressive, women would swoon as you passed. They'd have broody babies in your honor.
--->'''Fenris''': ...You're a ''very'' odd dwarf.
--->'''Varric''': And you thought I was joking about the pin.

-->'''Isabela''': Come to me and I'll take you places you've never been.
-->'''Varric''': Isabela... ''are you talking to Bianca?''
-->'''Isabela''': I think she deserves a woman's touch on her trigger, don't you?
-->'''Varric''': Bianca responds to my touch. She'd never give it up for you.
-->'''Isabela''': That's what they always say, and I always prove them wrong.
-->'''Varric''': Stop it. You're confusing her! [[StrangelyArousing And me]].

-->'''Varric''': Are most criminals big readers? Seems like pacifying the nobles.
-->'''Aveline''': Pictures, then. It was just a suggestion.
-->'''Varric''': Well, how about a giant sign that just says "Don't"? You could hit people with it.
-->'''Aveline''': Thank you, I get the point.

-->'''Anders''': I've always wondered, why is every surface dwarf a merchant or a smith?
-->'''Varric''': You left out criminals and hired muscle.
-->'''Anders''': They don't count.
-->'''Varric''': We dwarves are drawn to shiny objects. Sort of like magpies, but with business sense.
-->'''Anders''': You're kidding.
-->'''Varric''': Of course I am. We come to the surface with the skills our ancestors had, Blondie. You think there's a tradition of dwarf woodcutters in Orzammar? Beekeepers? Sailors?
-->'''Anders''': Well, there could be mushroom growers and nug wranglers.
-->'''Varric''': Orzammar will never let those people go topside. Too vital. Also, embarrassing.

-->'''Merrill''': You came so far together, and you didn't even have a keeper to make you get along.
-->'''Aveline''': So... your keeper tells you to stop kicking each other, or she'll turn the Aravel around...?
-->'''Merrill''': ''(thoughtfully)'' Sometimes she also tells us to stop pulling hair.

--> '''Varric''': Rivaini, stop looking at my chest. MyEyesAreUpHere.
--> '''Isabela''': ''[[DistractedByTheSexy But the chest hair...]]''
--> '''Varric''': Do you know how much I suffer under your gaze? I am a person, not an object!
--> '''Isabela''': Uh, Varric?
--> '''Varric''': ''[laughing]'' Just shitting you.

---> '''Varric''': I'll let you run your fingers through it, if you want.
---> '''Isabela''': Your chest hair? My fingers? Oh, Varric, stop! You're making me quiver.
---> '''Varric''': You know you want to.
---> '''Isabela''': Oh I do, I can't resist you. No woman can.
---> '''Varric''': I know. It's a terrible burden.

-->'''Anders''': Do you ever miss Ferelden?
-->'''Aveline''': All the time. Lothering was my home. I would never have left if not for the blight. But my life is in Kirkwall now. You?
-->'''Anders''': I didn't think I would care in the slightest when I left, but now I'm not so sure. Something about Kirkwall just seems... off, somehow.
-->'''Aveline''': You mean how badly they treat mages here, right?
-->'''Anders''': No, that's not it at all... There's just [[TheDungAges not enough dog shit]].

-->'''Anders''': Sometimes I think you have the right idea.
-->'''Isabela''': Handcuffs, whipped cream, always be on top?
-->'''Anders''': I never used to give two bits what anyone thought of me. Justice once asked me why I didn't do more for other mages. I told him it was too much work, but I couldn't go back after that. Couldn't stop thinking about it. Sometimes I miss being that selfish.
-->'''Isabela''': Huh, were you talking? I was still at whipped cream.

-->'''Anders''': Is that supposed to be Andraste's face on your crotch? [...] I'm just not sure I'd want the Maker seeing me shove His bride's head between my legs every morning.

-->'''Anders''': You don't pay attention to Templars, Qunari, or politics, but you pay attention to kittens?
-->'''Merrill''': Templars, Qunari, and politics don't "meow" and attack your feet when you're buying food.
-->'''Anders''': ... Are there any tabbies? I'd like a tabby.

--> '''Varric''': So what do you do in that gigantic house all day?
--> '''Fenris''': Dance, of course.
--> '''Varric''': ''Really?''
--> '''Fenris''': I run from room to room, choreographing routines.
--> '''Varric''': You're actually joking. Alert the Chantry! They need to put this on the calendar!
--> '''Fenris''': And you thought I was always serious.

-->'''Isabela''': Oh, will you two get over yourselves? You're like two dogs around a bitch in heat!
-->'''Fenris''': We were talking about Hawke. Not you.

--->'''Isabela''': Oh, will you two get over yourselves? I did him/her too.

-->'''Isabela''': ''[sighs]'' This is silly. I don't want to argue.
-->'''Fenris''': ''(pause)'' ...Do you want to guess what colour my undergarments are again?
-->'''Isabela''': Ooh, yes, that's much more fun!

-->'''Merrill''': Fenris, did you step on something sharp?
-->'''Fenris''': No.
-->'''Merrill''': Slam your fingers in a door?
-->'''Fenris''': No.
-->'''Merrill''': Smack your head on a low beam?
-->'''Fenris''': Is there a point to this line of questioning?
-->'''Merrill''': I just wanted to know why you're so cross all the time.
-->'''Varric''': I think he jabs himself with those spikes, personally.
-->'''Fenris''': Perhaps it's the inane prodding.

-->'''Aveline''': I'm the Captain of the Guard. I'm strong, loyal, and don't look half-bad naked.
-->'''Isabela''': Exactly. And if I called you a mannish, awkward, ball-crushing do-gooder, you'd say...?
-->'''Aveline''': ''(cheerily)'' Shut up, whore.
-->'''Isabela''': ''(fondly)'' That's my girl.

-->'''Aveline''': Why am I not invited to these games?
-->'''Fenris''': He says you get angry when you lose.
-->'''Aveline''': I do not! All right, perhaps I do. Still, that's no reason not to tell me.

--->'''Varric''': It is if he's a betting man.
--->'''Fenris''': ''(very quickly)'' [[BlatantLies I disavow any knowledge of gambling occurring in my house]].

--->'''Isabela''': Perhaps he longed for [[{{Elfeminate}} less masculine]] companionship?\\
'''Aveline''': Shut up, whore.

-->'''Isabela''': Are there... other areas of intimacy that you haven't explored?
-->'''Aveline''': ''Why?'' Why do you give me these doubts?
-->'''Isabela''': Aveline. If you shove your thumb up his ass, ''I win.''

---->'''Hawke''': ''[coughs]''
---->'''Fenris''': ''[laughs]''
---->'''Merrill''': [[{{Squick}} Ew!]]
---->'''Anders''': [[NoJustNoReaction Just... no.]]
---->'''Sebastian''': [[{{Squick}} Oh, Maker.]]
---->'''Varric''': Ah, that old chestnut.

---> '''Isabela''': How's marriage been treating you, big girl?
--->'''Aveline''': It's been good. No, great. I'd forgotten what it was like to -
---> '''Isabela''': Be flipped ass-over-tits and hammered like a bent nail?
--->'''Aveline''': To. Be. ''Loved.''
---> '''Isabela''': Oh. Right. Of course.
--->'''Aveline''': Not that I'm complaining about the other thing.

-->'''Merrill''': ''[giggles]''
-->'''Fenris''': What? What are you smiling at?
-->'''Merrill''': You're in love.
-->'''Fenris''': [[SheIsNotMyGirlfriend I am not!]]
-->'''Merrill''': You keep looking at Hawke with sad puppy eyes every time his back is turned. ''(male Hawke)''
-->'''Merrill''': Every time she looks away, you stare at Hawke with those sad puppy eyes. ''(female Hawke)''
-->'''Fenris''': There are ''no'' puppy eyes.
-->'''Merrill''': It's all right, you know. Even you can be happy once in a while, it won't kill you.
-->'''Merrill''': But your face might crack if [[PerpetualFrowner you]] smile, so be careful.

-->'''Merrill''': Does your bow have a name? Varric's crossbow [[ICallItVera has a name.]]
-->'''Sebastian''': I'm afraid I can't compete with our dwarven friend's... [[CargoShip relationship]] with his weapon.
-->'''Merrill''': You could call it "Philomela."
-->'''Sebastian''': ''(deeply confused)'' ''Why'' would I do that?
-->'''Merrill''': Because it reminds me of a woman in the Alienage. Skinny, pointed, and always throwing things at people.

-->'''Merrill''': Have I ever mentioned I like your coat?
-->'''Anders''': You do?
-->'''Merrill''': It's very lively! Like a crow in the middle of anting!
-->'''Anders''': That's... that's great. Thanks, Merrill.
-->'''Varric''': I tried to warn you, Blondie.
-->'''Anders''': You're not helping.

--> '''Isabela''': It's been years and not once have you tried to get me to repent and turn to the maker.\\
'''Sebastian''': Preacing seldom works, Isabela. To change a person's heart one must lead by example.\\
'''Isabela''': That makes sense. I can respect that.\\
'''Sebastian''': I grew weary of the strings of nameless lovers and the nights full of mindless pleasure. You will too.\\
'''Isabela''': ''[gasps dramatically]'' That's the cruelest thing anyone's ever said to me. I think I'm going to cry.

-->'''Hawke''': I'm sure it was all just a misunderstanding. Later we'll all have tea and we'll laugh.
-->'''Varric''': "Oh, your name is ''Hawke''! I thought it was ''Locke''."
-->'''Carver''': "Yes, we were looking for some other combination of general and ringmaster."

-->'''Bethany''': How can you joke about this?
-->'''Varric''': Trust me, Sunshine, [[SadClown the laughter just hides the pain]].

-->'''Hawke''': I'd like to know who this Corypheus is. With [[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast a name like that]] he's bound to go "[[EvilLaugh mwa-ha-hah]]!" at some point, I just know it.

-->'''Carver''': I died my way into the Wardens and you punched your way to Champion. We are esteemed.\\
'''Aggressive!Hawke''': Well deserved, every bit of it. '''/''' '''Snarky!Hawke''': [[StealthInsult Go with your strengths]], I guess. '''/''' '''Diplomatic!Hawke''': [[NotSoAboveItAll I'm not sure we can handle much more success]].

-->'''Hawke''': Manners, Varric. Introduce me to your lunatic friend.
-->'''Varric''': Hawke, this is Gerav. He's a greedy, brilliant, bastard son-of-a-nug from the Carta. Gerav, this is Hawke, the one whose blood you want to drink or bathe in or whatever. But if you're after eternal youth, I've got to tell you, s/he's no virgin.

-->'''Anders''': I've tried to forget about this side of myself. Justice is... so strong, sometimes the Wardens seem insignificant. But seeing that poor bastard [Larius] brings it all back. The darkspawn taint, the call of the Archdemon... it's inside me, as much a part of me as Justice.
-->'''Hawke''': Ooh, baby. Tell me more.
-->'''Anders''': You should find someone else, love. You don't want all the ugliness I'm going to bring into your life.
-->'''Hawke''': ''(cheerfully)'' Nobody's perfect.
-->'''Varric''': I've got to hand it to you, Blondie. You make that work every time.

-->'''Fenris''': So. Still not an abomination, I see.
-->'''Merrill''': Let me see. Not deformed. Not crazy. Not attacking everyone. Yep, I think I'm good!

-->'''Anders''': Were you trying to look at my Grimoire the other day?
-->'''Merrill''': Me? What? No! When?
-->'''Anders''': At my clinic. While I was talking to Hawke. I saw you looking in one of my books. You know, those are private.
-->'''Merrill''': I know, that's why I - Oh, fine. I admit it. I was hoping you'd have, um, dirty spells.
-->'''Anders''': Dirty spells?
-->'''Merrill''': You know! To, um, make things more exciting. Oh, I shouldn't have said anything.
-->'''Isabela''': That's my girl.
-->'''Anders''': More exciting? For you and Hawke?
-->'''Hawke''': Stop, just... stop right there.

-->'''Fenris''': Does the city guard never ask where you wander off to with Hawke?
-->'''Aveline''': I am on a "special investigation".
-->'''Hawke''': And what does that make me?
-->'''Aveline''': Someone who is helping me with my special investigation.
-->'''Fenris''': How benevolent of you, Hawke.
-->'''Hawke''': I'm a giver!

--->'''Fenris''': Donnic tells me you have spoken of children.
--->'''Aveline''': You two talk too much.
--->'''Fenris''': I picture a redheaded brood, each able to lift a cow.
--->'''Aveline''': ''[laughs]'' If you also picture Donnic [[MisterSeahorse carrying them to term and pushing them out of his ass]], then I'm all for it.

--> '''Varric''': We passed a broken pillar, you know what that means.
--> '''Isabela''': Everyone take a drink!
--> '''Aveline''': The last time you played this game, didn't Isabela try to "get Orlesian" with a lyrium vein?
--> '''Varric''': Yep!
--> '''Aveline''': Carry on, then.

-->'''Anders''': ''(to Hawke)'' Have you thought about joining the Grey Wardens? They'd be able to satisfy [[ViolationOfCommonSense this inexplicable need]] you have [[WalkIntoMordor to visit]] the [[PlaceWorseThanDeath Deep Roads]] every few years.

-->'''Hawke''': When you tell people about our escape from Lothering, why do you make it sound like I've got food all over my face?
-->'''Varric''': You're larger than life, Hawke! I had to give you a few flaws, just to make you approachable.
-->'''Hawke''': Did you just call me ''fat''?
-->'''Varric''': Yes. That's pretty much how I tell it. "Hawke rolled into the fray like a gigantic pudding, covered in gravy."
-->'''Snarky!Hawke''': Does it have to be gravy? How about chocolate?
-->'''Varric''': Everybody's a critic.

--->'''Varric''': Yes. That's pretty much how I tell it. "Hawke rolled into the fray like a gigantic pudding, covered in gravy."
---> '''Aggressive!Hawke''': I hope the story ends, "And then Hawke backhanded the mouthy dwarf."
--->'''Varric''': Everybody's a critic.

-->'''Isabela''': You've certainly... filled out, Carver. Shame, really. I hear joining the Wardens separates the men from their "boys."
-->'''Carver''': We rarely have children, true. But don't worry, that just means I try ever so much ''harder''.
-->'''Isabela''': Mmm... I like you all grown up.
-->'''Varric''': Junior took down the Rivaini? Who's telling this story?
* If he joined the Templars instead, he turns part of the Chant of Light into a string of double entendres. The real punchline is Sebastian's outraged "Don't do that to the Chant!"
** What really sells it is if Hawke is in a romance with Isabela, cue one ''very'' alarmed response:
--> '''Hawke''': ''(to Isabela)'' No you ''don't!'' ''(to Carver)'' No she ''doesn't!''
** Truthfully, the entire banter is better seen in full to get the full hilarity of the scene:
--->'''Isabela''': You certainly fill out a skirt Carver. A shame, I suppose you're all religious and such now.
--->'''Carver''': Do you know how long the Chant of Light is? How much stamina it requires?
--->'''Isabela''': Go on...
--->'''Carver''': [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything With passion'd breath comes darkness, but with many against Her, She finds His light untiring as it parts the Veil.]]
--->'''Isabela''': Not sure if I'm aroused or scared. I like it.
---> '''Hawke''': ''(to Isabela)'' No you ''don't!'' ''(to Carver)'' No she ''doesn't!''
--->'''Sebastian''': Don't do that to the Chant!
--->'''Isabela''': Shush, you.

-->'''Merrill''': How come you never get lost?
-->'''Hawke''': I do, sometimes.
-->'''Merrill''': I've never seen it! Everybody follows you, and you always seem to know where you're going.
-->'''Hawke''': What about that time I led us in circles around the Wounded Coast for three hours?
-->'''Merrill''': Oh! I thought you were just admiring the view! It was a lovely day, at least!

-->'''Merrill''': Do your stories ever have griffons in them?
-->'''Varric''': Kind of tricky because they're extinct. You can work a griffon attack into a town but it takes skill.
-->'''Merrill''': I was thinking more like... heroic griffons. The sort that swoop in and save the day.
-->'''Varric''': Daisy, haven't you heard? [[CallBack Swooping is bad.]]
-->'''Merrill''': Oh.
-->'''Varric''': I could do heroic charging, though. You want me to call him "Feathers"?
-->'''Merrill''': Yes! And make him extra fluffy!

-->'''Sebastian''': Is something troubling you, brother?
-->'''Carver''': I'm not your brother.
-->'''Sebastian''': I'm not familiar with Fereldan tradition, but I married your sister. I believe that makes us brothers.
-->'''Carver''': A "chaste marriage." Some invention of yours, no doubt.
-->'''Hawke''': Aww. Would it make you feel better if I slept with him? Because I totally would. Right here.
-->'''Carver''': Sister, please!
-->'''Sebastian''': Yes, love... rein it in.

---->'''Sebastian''': You think there is shame in being in the Circle?\\
'''Bethany''': Isn't there?\\
'''Sebastian''': You were made as you are. I have yet to see evidence of the Maker's fallibility. I certainly don't see any in you.\\
'''Bethany''': I... oh my.\\
'''Hawke''': ''[chuckles]''

---->'''Sebastian''': To have a second chance, and one with such purpose, it cannot be a curse.\\
'''Bethany''': This wasn't my choice. If there's something good or beautiful in any of this, please, enlighten me.\\
'''Sebastian''': Well, there's you.\\
'''Bethany''': I... oh my.\\
'''Hawke''': ''[chuckles]''

---> '''Isabela''': ''Phew''. No kidding.

---> '''Aggressive!Hawke''': Bethany?
---> '''Bethany''': Yes, sister?
---> '''Aggressive!Hawke''': [[ClingyJealousGirl Back. Off.]]

-->'''Varric''': Good to be out and about, Sunshine?
-->'''Bethany''': It's exciting, I'll say that. How much does someone want me dead to attack me in the ''Gallows''?
-->'''Varric''': A Hawke attracting obsessives with a poor grasp of consequence? Color me stunned.
-->'''Bethany''': ''[laughs]'' Be serious!
-->'''Varric''': Sorry. I have a reputation to maintain.

-->'''Varric''': So! We're taking the crazy ghoul at his word? Sounds like fun!

--> '''Snarky!Hawke''': You're a darkspawn. Daaaark-spaaaaawn. Ravaging the Deep Roads, spreading the Blight, does any of this ring a bell?

-->'''Varric''': [[ThatOneBoss If he pulls a dragon out of his ass, I'm leaving!]]

--> '''Hawke''': Did she try again during the date?
--> '''Varric''': She waited until I paid for dinner first!

--> '''Merrill''': It's so exciting to be out of Kirkwall! It seems we haven't left there in ages!
--> '''Hawke''': We do seem to spend a ridiculous amount of time in the city.
--> '''Merrill''': I needed this break. I was starting to think every part of Kirkwall looked alike.

-->'''Cassandra''': The elf was Qunari?
-->'''Varric''': And the dwarf has no beard! I know, it made no sense to me, either. Perhaps they cut off her horns?

-->'''Prosper''': To hunt the wyvern on its own ground is to tempt fate: [[VideoGame/MassEffect2 a terrible risk.]] [[MemeticMutation But the prize...]]

-->'''Isabela''': Don't forget to loot the bodies.
-->'''Hawke''': Do I ''ever?''

---->'''Hawke''': I could talk to him, but it's funnier this way.
---->'''Isabela''': Hawke!
---->'''Hawke''': You have pretty eyes.

--->'''Fenris''': I like apples.\\
'''Sebastian''': ''(deadly serious)'' Well, these apples will buy your sister, eat your house, and woo your chickens.

-->'''Hawke''': And here I remember you mooning over that red-headed lay sister with the accent.
-->'''Carver''': She was nice, wasn't she?

--> '''Varric''': Our little Hawke is growing up, Rivaini.
--> '''Isabela''': I know! Burglary and espionage! I'm so proud of him right now, I could burst!/Burglary and espionage! We should've hired a painter to get her portrait so we can remember this day forever!
--> '''Varric''': Soon, he'll be sharking card games and swindling merchants all on his own! Brings a tear to my eye!/Next thing you know, she'll be conning guards and cutting purses without us. Where does the time go?
--> '''Snarky!Hawke''': Everything I know about being a scoundrel, I learned from you two.
--> '''Isabela''': I think I'm going to cry. Look at me! I'm getting misty-eyed!

--->'''Diplomatic!Hawke''': Don't get carried away.\\
'''Isabela''': Carried away? Us? Perish the thought!\\
'''Varric''': [[BlatantLies We are the very souls of moderation]], Hawke. You know that.

-->'''Aggressive!Hawke''': [[ImStandingRightHere I can hear you, you know.]]\\
'''Isabela''': Still a grump, though. So much to teach, so little time...

--> '''Isabela''': Wait -- I'm ''helping'' the Qunari recover some priceless artifact? Oh, the ''irony''.

-->'''Fenris''': You are too willing to involve yourself in the affairs of others, Hawke. Each time you put yourself at risk. One day you will not be so lucky.\\
'''Hawke''': You have a better idea?\\
'''Fenris''': Guard what you have. Keep your head low.\\
'''Hawke''': Like a dragon! Guarding my treasure hoard.\\
'''Fenris''': That's not what I meant.\\
'''Hawke''': Shall I eat passersby? Maybe I can demand virgin sacrifices.\\
'''Fenris''': Even dragons are eventually slain, Hawke.

--> '''Tallis''': So... Champion Of Kirkwall. Fancy title.
--> '''Hawke''': 'The Only One In Kirkwall ''Not'' Completely Insane' was considered.
--> '''Tallis''': So do you get a stipend? Do they let you rule the city or something?
--> '''Hawke''': They gave me a medal. It's very shiny.

-->'''Tallis''': Is that... wyverns mating?
-->'''Hawke''': Could we mimic that?
-->'''Tallis''': No! Oh, the sound. Right, yes, I can try that.

--> '''Tallis''': They don't come out on the surface much, though.
--> '''Anders''': Maybe they were out gathering hunters?

--->'''Varric''': Watch it. Ghast-hole.\\
'''Hawke''': A 'what' hole?\\
'''Varric''': A scholar might call it something else, but they don't know their ghasts from a hole in the ground.\\
'''Aveline''': I'm going to hit him. I'll do it.\\
'''Fenris''': That one actually hurt.\\
'''Bethany''': Oh, for the love of...\\
'''Hawke''': Why do you bad-touch words like that?

-->'''Fenris''': Ah, Hawke stepped in the poopy.

--->'''Hawke''': Avoid the cheese plate! Terrible.

-->'''Fenris''': Not. ''One. Word.''
-->'''Merrill''': Is it all right if I hum? Or maybe whistle?

--->'''Varric''': [[Myth/GreekMythology Did you bring that]] [[CallBack ball of twine, Daisy?]]\\
'''Merrill''': Oh, I knew I forgot ''something'' when we left Kirkwall!

-->'''Merrill''': Ooh, I've never been in a prison before. Was it exciting? Did you shank someone?

-->'''Anders''': Here I always figured you'd be the one coming to spring me from someone's dungeon. I had it all planned. I'd be in the Gallows, Templars all around holding the brand for the Rite of Tranquility. Then you'd burst in and break my chains. And then it would be all about the best way to show my gratitude.
-->'''Hawke''': Then I should spend some time working out how to thank you.
-->'''Tallis''': Not to come between you two or anything, but... you didn't actually rescue us. I did.
-->'''Anders''': It's the thought that counts!

--> '''Statue''': Yo, ho!
--> '''Isabela''': ''What'' did you just call me?

--->'''Isabela''': You hear that, Hawke? I'm a force of nature!
--->'''Aveline''': So is plague.

-->'''Hawke''': I have an excellent sense of dramatic timing. And good hair.

-->'''Snarky!Hawke''': It looks like the Duke... has [[QuipToBlack fallen from grace]].

--->'''Isabela''': Did you see that? He bounced!

'''Isabela''': Still [[GrumpyBear a grump]], though. So much to teach, so little time...

* Sergeant Johanna's complete DeadpanSnarker tone when she describes the conspiration of some Amaranthine nobles against the Hero Of Ferelden as a [[TooDumbToLive "truly stellar idea"]].

* In the climax of Act 3, after Anders makes the Chantry go boom, the way Sebastian yells "MAKER, NO!!" is just so unexpected and almost awkwardly voiced, one can't help laughing. There's even a [[https://youtu.be/37eiBVOWtFM Sparta remix]] of it. Even funnier is the fact that ''everyone just ignored it'', acting as his over-the-top scream never happened.

*** You can also overhear the Comtesse further acknowledge that, despite having at least seven children[[note]]Emile is her fifth son and she has at least two daughters[[/note]], the baby Emile has fathered is likely to be her ''only grandchild''. Background chatter at the ball in ''Inquisition'' implies that the De Launcets are ''not'' popular in their native Orlais, so her fears might be warrented.
** Dealing with Emile can also be pretty funny, especially if A) Hawke is a female mage and B) you brought Varric along with you:

* In the climax of Act 3, after Anders makes the Chantry go boom, the way Sebastian yells "MAKER, NO!!" is just so unexpected and almost awkwardly voiced, one can't help laughing. There's even a [[https://youtu.be/37eiBVOWtFM Sparta remix]] of it.

** If you have Fenris with you, he points out that the Comtesse has a point: The Hanged Man ''is'' filthy. And if Aveline is there, she will mutter "Orlesians" under her breath, as if she has vicarious embarassment about her heritage.

** If you have Fenris with you, he points out that the Comtesse has a point: The Hanged Man ''is'' filthy.

-->'''Hawke''': I'd like to know who this Corypheus is. With [[ObviouslyEvil a name like that]] he's bound to go "[[EvilLaugh mwa-ha-hah]]!" at some point, I just know it.

-->'''Hawke''': I'd like to know who this Corypheus is. With a name like that he's bound to go "mwa-ha-hah!" at some point, I just know it.

** There's also Seneschal Bann, whose date is Serendity from the Blooming Rose. Tallis even mutters, "''Awk''ward!"

* Sebastian and Isabella discuss why Sebastian's never tried to convert Isabella.
--> '''Isabella''': It's been years and not once have you tried to get me to repent and turn to the maker.\\
'''Sebastian''': Preacing seldom works, Isabella. To change a person's heart one must lead by example.\\
'''Isabella''': That makes sense. I can respect that.\\

'''Isabella''': That's the cruelest thing anyone's ever said to me. I think I'm going to cry.

-->'''Aveline''': In about ten seconds, I'm just going to smash anything that moves.

--->'''Merrill''': Hello? Messere ghost? Could you stop doing that now? Please?

*** You can also overhear the Comtesse further acknowledge that, despite having at least seven children[[note]]Emile is her fifth son and she has at least two daughters[[/note]], the baby Emile has fathered is likely to be her ''only grandchild''.