History Funny / Deadpool2

** And then afterwards, Deadpool runs to the scene of the crime to save the day in slow motion, accompanied by John Parr's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgfQWaF6Nrw St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)]], of all songs. The lyrics that play are a [[BlackComedy very clear indication]] that it was already too late to save the victim. To make it even better, [[MusicalisInterruptus the music peters out]] when Deadpool discovers this.

** As Deadpool tells the old man's corpse that he should have called the police instead, the track [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jq5kbNW8VKU You're So Cool]] from ''Film/TrueRomance'' plays in the background until the short ends.

* In a meta way, Deadpool just made Thanos his biatch by getting Josh Brolin to play cable... which considering the bad blood that had (They both love Death, so Thanos cursed Deadpool to be immortal), Deadpool may actually used his fourth wall breaking power in purpose!

* At the beginning, he hears someone being mugged and springs into action. He finds a phone booth and '''[[OverlyLongGag takes about a minute to change]]''', and by the time he's done, [[BlackComedy the guy has been shot]]. He notes he probably should have called 911, and then '''[[BlackComedy lies down with his head on the man's stomach]]''' and eats a tub of Ben & Jerry's that the victim had with him during the robbery.

----
* The second teaser has Deadpool save a cat from a tree. It looks like he is about to shoot it down, only to have the cat's owner hold the guns so he can climb unencumbered.

----

** And then afterwards, Deadpool runs to the scene of the crime to save the day in slow motion, accompanied by John Parr's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgfQWaF6Nrw St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)]], of all songs. The lyrics that play are a [[BlackComedy very clear indication]] that it was already too late to save the victim. Even better, [[LettingTheAirOutOfTheBand the music peters out]] when Deadpool discovers this.

* In a hilarious possible ShoutOut to Spider-Man Wade is shown putting his Deadpool costume on like a onesie!

** As Deadpool tells the old man's corpse that he should have called the police instead, the track [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jq5kbNW8VKU You're So Cool]] from Film/TrueRomance plays in the background until the short ends.

-->'''''The Old Man and the Sea''''' ''is the story of a fight between an elderly, accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big fish. Like... HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering eighty four days without catching a fish because he's the [[BornUnlucky unluckiest son of a bitch on planet Earth]]. Honesty, if you were in a boat for eighty-four days, it'd be hard NOT to catch a fish... even by accident. Santiago was so unlucky that his apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his Ma and Pa to fish with him. [[Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir But as the Fresh Prince used to say, "Parents just don't understand".]] So the boy visits Santiago's shack anyway, ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an elderly man who talks to himself. Manolin helps out, moving Santiago's fishing gear, making food, and talking about baseball. Especially Joe [=DiMaggio=], who used to bump fuzzies with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that he's going way out into the gulf Stream. WAY OUT north of Cuba. Lady Luck is returning. On the eighty-fifth day of his crappy luck, Santiago drops his lines and by noon, gets a bite from what feels like a big-ass fish. He's sure he's a winner. He fights and fights and fights and fights but can't pull the monster in. Santiago's leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he's bloody and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty adversary. He starts calling him "Brother" or maybe even "Bro". [[InterspeciesRomance It's sort of a love story if you really think about it. And like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable interspecies wedding.]] But on the third day, Santiago is freakin' EXHAUSTED, and decides he just wants the fish to do what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he stabs it. With a fucking harpoon. It's a mess. Super gross. Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words instead of giving in to base desires and imposing his gigantically terrible position on any given subject through unblinking violence. Typical. Anyway, he straps the marlin to the side of his skiff and hits the road home, ready to act like a total show off to everyone and probably gouge people on the price. But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the bleeding marlin's carcass, because as we all know, [[ThisIsReality life is a tragic opera and just when you think you've finally found something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to fucking shreds]] [[VulgarHumor while dry-humping your dignity with their crazy-weird shark dicks.]] [[CrossesTheLineTwice Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old as he is.]] By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the entire marlin. Only a bleach-white skeleton remains, silently mocking him in the murky darkness. Santiago realizes he's still unlucky, REALLY unlucky (DUH!) Ma calls the sharks "dream killers". Which isn't really all that fair, I mean, the sharks were just doing their job and the marlin... Jesus, don't even get me started on the marlin. It was just hanging out one day, minding it's own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for it's family and WHAM! Harpoon in the brain. Who's the "dream killer" now, fuckface! The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point. Eventually Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and crashes, like I said - He's super tired. The next morning, a group of fisherman gather around Santiago's boat. One measures the skeleton and, holy shit shingles! It's over 18 feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico (Strange that this is the first mention of him) and the other fishermen ask Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man. Manolin brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and they decide to fish together again. [[GainaxEnding Many years later, there's a Red Lobster restaurant in nearly every city in America, offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking.]]''

-->'''''The Old Man and the Sea''''' ''is the story of a fight between an elderly, accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big fish. Like... HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering eighty four days without catching a fish because he's the [[BornUnlucky unluckiest son of a bitch on planet Earth]]. Honesty, if you were in a boat for eighty-four days, it'd be hard NOT to catch a fish... even by accident. Santiago was so unlucky that his apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his Ma and Pa to fish with him. [[Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir But as the Fresh Prince used to say, "Parents just don't understand".]] So the boy visits Santiago's shack anyway, ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an elderly man who talks to himself. Manolin helps out, moving Santiago's fishing gear, making food, and talking about baseball. Especially Joe [=DiMaggio=], who used to bump fuzzies with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that he's going way out into the gulf Stream. WAY OUT north of Cuba. Lady Luck is returning. On the eighty-fifth day of his crappy luck, Santiago drops his lines and by noon, gets a bite from what feels like a big-ass fish. He's sure he's a winner. He fights and fights and fights and fights but can't pull the monster in. Santiago's leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he's bloody and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty adversary. He starts calling him "Brother" or maybe even "Bro". [[InterspeciesRomance It's sort of a love story if you really think about it. And like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable interspecies wedding.]] But on the third day, Santiago is freakin' EXHAUSTED, and decides he just wants the fish to do what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he stabs it. With a [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] harpoon. It's a mess. Super gross. Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words instead of giving in to base desires and imposing his gigantically terrible position on any given subject through unblinking violence. Typical. Anyway, he straps the marlin to the side of his skiff and hits the road home, ready to act like a total show off to everyone and probably gouge people on the price. But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the bleeding marlin's carcass, because as we all know, [[ThisIsReality life is a tragic opera and just when you think you've finally found something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to]] [[PrecisionFStrike fucking shreds]] [[VulgarHumor while dry-humping your dignity with their crazy-weird shark dicks.]] [[CrossesTheLineTwice Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old as he is.]] By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the entire marlin. Only a bleach-white skeleton remains, silently mocking him in the murky darkness. Santiago realizes he's still unlucky, REALLY unlucky (DUH!) Ma calls the sharks "dream killers". Which isn't really all that fair, I mean, the sharks were just doing their job and the marlin... Jesus, don't even get me started on the marlin. It was just hanging out one day, minding it's own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for it's family and WHAM! Harpoon in the brain. Who's the "dream killer" now, [[PrecisionFStrike fuckface!]] The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point. Eventually Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and crashes, like I said - He's super tired. The next morning, a group of fisherman gather around Santiago's boat. One measures the skeleton and, holy shit shingles! It's over 18 feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico (Strange that this is the first mention of him) and the other fishermen ask Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man. Manolin brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and they decide to fish together again. [[GainaxEnding Many years later, there's a Red Lobster restaurant in nearly every city in America, offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking.]]''

-->'''''The Old Man and the Sea''''' ''is the story of a fight between an elderly, accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big fish. Like... HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering eighty four days without catching a fish because he's the unluckiest [[PrecisionFStrike son of a bitch]] on planet Earth. Honesty, if you were in a boat for eighty-four days, it'd be hard NOT to catch a fish... even by accident. Santiago was so unlucky that his apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his Ma and Pa to fish with him. [[Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir But as the Fresh Prince used to say, "Parents just don't understand".]] So the boy visits Santiago's shack anyway, ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an elderly man who talks to himself. Manolin helps out, moving Santiago's fishing gear, making food, and talking about baseball. Especially Joe [=DiMaggio=], who used to bump fuzzies with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that he's going way out into the gulf Stream. WAY OUT north of Cuba. Lady Luck is returning. On the eighty-fifth day of his crappy luck, Santiago drops his lines and by noon, gets a bite from what feels like a big-ass fish. He's sure he's a winner. He fights and fights and fights and fights but can't pull the monster in. Santiago's leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he's bloody and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty adversary. He starts calling him "Brother" or maybe even "Bro". [[InterspeciesRomance It's sort of a love story if you really think about it. And like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable interspecies wedding.]] But on the third day, Santiago is freakin' EXHAUSTED, and decides he just wants the fish to do what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he stabs it. With a [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] harpoon. It's a mess. Super gross. Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words instead of giving in to base desires and imposing his gigantically terrible position on any given subject through unblinking violence. Typical. Anyway, he straps the marlin to the side of his skiff and hits the road home, ready to act like a total show off to everyone and probably gouge people on the price. But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the bleeding marlin's carcass, because as we all know, [[ThisIsReality life is a tragic opera and just when you think you've finally found something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to]] [[PrecisionFStrike fucking shreds]] [[VulgarHumor while dry-humping your dignity with their crazy-weird shark dicks.]] [[CrossesTheLineTwice Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old as he is.]] By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the entire marlin. Only a bleach-white skeleton remains, silently mocking him in the murky darkness. Santiago realizes he's still unlucky, REALLY unlucky (DUH!) Ma calls the sharks "dream killers". Which isn't really all that fair, I mean, the sharks were just doing their job and the marlin... Jesus, don't even get me started on the marlin. It was just hanging out one day, minding it's own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for it's family and WHAM! Harpoon in the brain. Who's the "dream killer" now, [[PrecisionFStrike fuckface!]] The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point. Eventually Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and crashes, like I said - He's super tired. The next morning, a group of fisherman gather around Santiago's boat. One measures the skeleton and, holy shit shingles! It's over 18 feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico (Strange that this is the first mention of him) and the other fishermen ask Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man. Manolin brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and they decide to fish together again. [[GainaxEnding Many years later, there's a Red Lobster restaurant in nearly every city in America, offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking.]]''

** And then afterwards, Deadpool runs to the scene of the crime to save the day in slow motion, accompanied by John Parr's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgfQWaF6Nrw St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)]], of all songs. The lyrics that play are a [[BlackComedy very clear indication]] that it was already too late to save the victim. Even better, [[Main/LettingTheAirOutOfTheBand the music peters out]] when Deadpool discovers this.

** And then afterwards, Deadpool runs to the scene of the crime to save the day in slow motion, accompanied by John Parr's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgfQWaF6Nrw St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)]], of all songs. The lyrics that play are a [[BlackComedy very clear indication]] that it was already too late to save the victim. Even better, a RecordNeedleScratch occurs when Deadpool discovers this.

* At the beginning, he hears someone being mugged and springs into action. He finds a phone booth and '''[[OverlyLongGag takes about a minute to change]]''', and by the time he's done, [[BlackComedy the guy has been shot]]. He notes he probably should have called 911, and then '''[[BlackComedy lies down with his head on the man's stomach]]''' and eats an ice cream that the victim had with him during the robbery.

-->'''''The Old Man and the Sea''''' ''is the story of a fight between an elderly, accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big fish. Like... HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering eighty four days without catching a fish because he's the unluckiest [[PrecisionFStrike son of a bitch]] on planet Earth. Honesty, if you were in a boat for eighty-four days, it'd be hard NOT to catch a fish... even by accident. Santiago was so unlucky that his apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his Ma and Pa to fish with him. [[Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir But as the Fresh Prince used to say, "Parents just don't understand".]] So the boy visits Santiago's shack anyway, ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an elderly man who talks to himself. Manolin helps out, moving Santiago's fishing gear, making food, and talking about baseball. Especially Joe [=DiMaggio=], who used to bump fuzzies with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that he's going way out into the gulf Stream. WAY OUT north of Cuba. Lady Luck is returning. On the eighty-fifth day of his crappy luck, Santiago drops his lines and by noon, gets a bite from what feels like a big-ass fish. He's sure he's a winner. He fights and fights and fights and fights but can't pull the monster in. Santiago's leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he's bloody and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty adversary. He starts calling him "Brother" or maybe even "Bro". [[InterspeciesRomance It's sort of a love story if you really think about it. And like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable interspecies wedding.]] But on the third day, Santiago is freakin' EXHAUSTED, and decides he just wants the fish to do what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he stabs it. With a [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] harpoon. It's a mess. Super gross. Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words instead of giving in to base desires and imposing his gigantically terrible position on any given subject through unblinking violence. Typical. Anyway, he straps the marlin to the side of his skiff and hits the road home, read to act like a total show off to everyone and probably gouge people on the price. But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the bleeding Marlin's carcass, because as we all know, [[ThisIsReality life is a tragic opera and just when you think you've finally found something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to]] [[PrecisionFStrike fucking shreds]] [[VulgarHumor while dry-humping your dignity with their crazy-weird shark dicks.]] [[CrossesTheLineTwice Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old as he is.]] By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the entire marlin. Only a bleach-white skeleton remains, silently mocking him in the murky darkness. Santiago realizes he's still unlucky, REALLY unlucky (DUH!) Ma calls the sharks "dream killers". Which isn't really all that fair, I mean, the sharks were just doing their job and the marlin... Jesus, don't even get me started on the marlin. It was just hanging out one day, minding it's own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for it's family and WHAM! Harpoon in the brain. Who's the "dream killer" now, [[PrecisionFStrike fuckface!]] The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point. Eventually Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and crashes, like I said - He's super tired. The next morning, a group of fisherman gather around Santiago's boat. One measures the skeleton and, holy shit shingles! It's over 18 feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico (Strange that this is the first mention of him) and the other fishermen ask Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man. Manolin brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and they decide to fish together again. [[GainaxEnding Many years later there's a Red Lobster restaurant in nearly every city in America offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking.]]''

-->'''''The Old Man and the Sea''''' ''is the story of a fight between an elderly, accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big fish. Like... HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering eighty four days without catching a fish because he's the unluckiest [[PrecisionFStrike son of a bitch]] on planet Earth. Honesty, if you were in a boat for eighty-four days, it'd be hard NOT to catch a fish... even by accident. Santiago was so unlucky that his apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his Ma and Pa to fish with him. [[Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir But as the Fresh Prince used to say, "Parents just don't understand".]] So the boy visits Santiago's shack anyway, ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an elderly man who talks to himself. Manolin helps out, moving Santiago's fishing gear, making food, and talking about baseball. Especially Joe [=DiMaggio=], who used to bump fuzzies with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that he's going way out into the gulf Stream. WAY OUT north of Cuba. Lady Luck is returning. On the eighty-fifth day of his crappy luck, Santiago drops his lines and by noon, gets a bite from what feels like a big-ass fish. He's sure he's a winner. He fights and fights and fights and fights but can't pull the monster in.Santiago's leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he's bloody and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty adversary. He starts calling him "Brother" or maybe even "Bro". [[InterspeciesRomance It's sort of a love story if you really think about it. And like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable interspecies wedding.]] But on the third day, Santiago is freakin' EXHAUSTED, and decides he just wants the fish to do what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he stabs it. With a [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] harpoon. It's a mess. Super gross. Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words instead of giving in to base desires and imposing his gigantically terrible position on any given subject through unblinking violence. Typical. Anyway, he straps the marlin to the side of his skiff and hits the road home, read to act like a total show off to everyone and probably gouge people on the price. But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the bleeding Marlin's carcass, because as we all know, [[ThisIsReality life is a tragic opera and just when you think you've finally found something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to]] [[PrecisionFStrike fucking shreds]] [[VulgarHumor while dry-humping your dignity with their crazy-weird shark dicks.]] [[CrossesTheLineTwice Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old as he is.]] By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the entire marlin. Only a bleach-white skeleton remains, silently mocking him in the murky darkness. Santiago realizes he's still unlucky, REALLY unlucky (DUH!) Ma calls the sharks "dream killers". Which isn't really all that fair, I mean, the sharks were just doing their job and the marlin... Jesus, don't even get me started on the marlin. It was just hanging out one day, minding it's own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for it's family and WHAM! Harpoon in the brain. Who's the "dream killer" now, [[PrecisionFStrike fuckface!]] The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point. Eventually Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and crashes, like I said - He's super tired. The next morning, a group of fisherman gather around Santiago's boat. One measures the skeleton and, holy shit shingles! It's over 18 feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico (Strange that this is the first mention of him) and the other fishermen ask Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man. Manolin brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and they decide to fish together again. [[GainaxEnding Many years later there's a Red Lobster restaurant in nearly every city in America offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking.]]''

-->'''''The Old Man and the Sea''''' ''is the story of a fight between an elderly, accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big fish. Like... HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering eighty four days without catching a fish because he's the unluckiest [[PrecisionFStrike son of a bitch]] on planet Earth. Honesty, if you were in a boat for eighty-four days, it'd be hard NOT to catch a fish... even by accident. Santiago was so unlucky that his apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his Ma and Pa to fish with him. [[Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir But as the Fresh Prince used to say, "Parents just don't understand".]] So the boy visits Santiago's shack anyway, ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an elderly man who talks to himself. Manolin helps out, moving Santiago's fishing gear, making food, and talking about baseball. Especially Joe [=DiMaggio=], who used to bump fuzzies with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that he's going way out into the gulf Stream. WAY OUT north of Cuba. Lady Luck is returning. On the eighty-fifth day of his crappy lunch, Santiago drops his lines and by noon, gets a bite from what feels like a big-ass fish. He's sure he's a winner. He fights and fights and fights and fights but can't pull the monster in.Santiago's leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he's bloody and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty adversary. He starts calling him "Brother" or maybe even "Bro". [[InterspeciesRomance It's sort of a love story if you really think about it. And like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable interspecies wedding.]] But on the third day, Santiago is freakin' EXHAUSTED, and decides he just wants the fish to do what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he stabs it. With a [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] harpoon. It's a mess. Super gross. Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words instead of giving in to base desires and imposing his gigantically terrible position on any given subject through unblinking violence. Typical. Anyway, he straps the marlin to the side of his skiff and hits the road home, read to act like a total show off to everyone and probably gouge people on the price. But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the bleeding Marlin's carcass, because as we all know, [[ThisIsReality life is a tragic opera and just when you think you've finally found something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to]] [[PrecisionFStrike fucking shreds]] [[VulgarHumor while dry-humping your dignity with their crazy-weird shark dicks.]] [[CrossesTheLineTwice Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old as he is.]] By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the entire marlin. Only a bleach-white skeleton remains, silently mocking him in the murky darkness. Santiago realizes he's still unlucky, REALLY unlucky (DUH!) Ma calls the sharks "dream killers". Which isn't really all that fair, I mean, the sharks were just doing their job and the marlin... Jesus, don't even get me started on the marlin. It was just hanging out one day, minding it's own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for it's family and WHAM! Harpoon in the brain. Who's the "dream killer" now, [[PrecisionFStrike fuckface!]] The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point. Eventually Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and crashes, like I said - He's super tired. The next morning, a group of fisherman gather around Santiago's boat. One measures the skeleton and, holy shit shingles! It's over 18 feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico (Strange that this is the first mention of him) and the other fishermen ask Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man. Manolin brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and they decide to fish together again. [[GainaxEnding Many years later there's a Red Lobster restaurant in nearly every city in America offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking.]]''

-->'''''The Old Man and the Sea''''' ''is the story of a fight between an elderly, accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big fish. Like... HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering eighty four days without catching a fish because he's the unluckiest [[PrecisionFStrike son of a bitch]] on planet earth. Honesty, if you were in a boat for eighty four days, it'd be hard NOT to catch a fish... even by accident. Santiago was so unlucky that his apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his Ma and Pa to fish with him. [[Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir But as the Fresh Prince used to say, "Parents just don't understand".]] So the boy visits Santiago's shack anyway, ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an elderly man who talks to himself. Manolin helps out, moving Santiago's fishing gear, making food, and talking about baseball. Especially Joe [=DiMaggio=], who used to bump fuzzies with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that he's going way out into the gulf Stream. WAY OUT north of Cuba. Lady Luck is returning. On the eighty-fifth day of his crappy lunch, Santiago drops his lines and by noon, gets a bite from what feels like a big-ass fish. He's sure he's a winner. He fights and fights and fights and fights but can't pull the monster in.Santiago's leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he's bloody and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty adversary. He starts calling him "Brother" or maybe even "Bro". [[InterspeciesRomance It's sort of a love story if you really think about it. And like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable interspecies wedding.]] But on the third day, Santiago is freakin' EXHAUSTED, and decides he just wants the fish to do what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he stabs it. With a [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] harpoon. It's a mess. Super gross. Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words instead of giving in to base desires and imposing his gigantically terrible position on any given subject through unblinking violence. Typical. Anyway, he straps the marlin to the side of his skiff and hits the road home, read to act like a total show off to everyone and probably gouge people on the price. But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the bleeding Marlin's carcass, because as we all know, [[ThisIsReality life is a tragic opera and just when you think you've finally found something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to]] [[PrecisionFStrike fucking shreds]] [[VulgarHumor while dry-humping your dignity with their crazy-weird shark dicks.]] [[CrossesTheLineTwice Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old as he is.]] By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the entire marlin. Only a bleach-white skeleton remains, silently mocking him in the murky darkness. Santiago realizes he's still unlucky, REALLY unlucky (DUH!) Ma calls the sharks "dream killers". Which isn't really all that fair, I mean, the sharks were just doing their job and the marlin... Jesus, don't even get me started on the marlin. It was just hanging out one day, minding it's own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for it's family and WHAM! Harpoon in the brain. Who's the "dream killer" now, [[PrecisionFStrike fuckface!]] The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point. Eventually Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and crashes, like I said - He's super tired. The next morning, a group of fisherman gather around Santiago's boat. One measures the skeleton and, holy shit shingles! It's over 18 feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico (Strange that this is the first mention of him) and the other fishermen ask Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man. Manolin brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and they decide to fish together again. [[GainaxEnding Many years later there's a Red Lobster restaurant in nearly every city in America offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking.]]''

* At the beginning he hears someone being mugged and springs into action. He finds a phone booth and '''[[OverlyLongGag takes about a minute to change]]''', and by the time he's done, [[BlackComedy the guy has been shot]]. He notes he probably should have called 911, and then '''[[BlackComedy lies down with his head on the man's stomach]]''' and eats ice cream that the victim had with him during the robbery.

** And then afterwards, Deadpool runs to the crime to save the day in slow motion, accompanied by John Parr's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgfQWaF6Nrw St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)]], of all songs. The lyrics that play are a [[BlackComedy very clear indication]] that it was already [[spoiler:too late to save the victim]]. Even better, a RecordNeedleScratch occurs when Deadpool discovers this.

* As a FreezeFrameBonus, Deadpool gives an extensive, LemonyNarrator summary of ''Literature/TheOldManAndTheSea''.

-->'''''The Old Man and the Sea''''' ''is the story of a fight between an elderly, accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big fish. Like... HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering eighty four days without catching a fish because he's the unluckiest son of a bitch on planet earth. Honesty, if you were in a boat for eighty four days, it'd be hard NOT to catch a fish... even by accident. Santiago was so unlucky that his apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his Ma and Pa to fish with him. But as the Fresh Prince used to say, "Parents just don't understand". So the boy visits Santiago's shack anyway, ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an elderly man who talks to himself. Manolin helps out, moving Santiago's fishing gear, making food, and talking about baseball. Especially Joe [=DiMaggio=], who used to bump fuzzies with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that he's going way out into the gulf Stream. WAY OUT north of Cuba. Lady Luck is returning. On the eighty-fifth day of his crappy lunch, Santiago drops his lines and by noon, gets a bite from what feels like a big-ass fish. He's sure he's a winner. He fights and fights and fights and fights but can't pull the monster in.Santiago's leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he's bloody and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty adversary. He starts calling him "Brother" or maybe even "Bro". It's sort of a love story if you really think about it. And like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable interspecies wedding. But on the third day, Santiago is freakin' EXHAUSTED, and decides he just wants the fish to do what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he stabs it. With a fucking harpoon. It's a mess. Super gross. Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words instead of giving in to base desires and imposing his gigantically terrible position on any given subject through unblinking violence. Typical. Anyway, he straps the marlin to the side of his skiff and hits the road home, read to act like a total show off to everyone and probably gouge people on the price. But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the bleeding Marlin's carcass, because as we all know, life is a tragic opera and just when you think you've finally found something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to fucking shreds while dry-humping your dignity with their crazy-weird shark dicks. Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old as he is. By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the entire marlin. Only a bleach-white skeleton remains, silently mocking him in the murky darkness. Santiago realizes he's still unlucky, REALLY unlucky (DUH!) Ma calls the sharks "dream killers". Which isn't really all that fair, I mean, the sharks were just doing their job and the marlin... Jesus, don't even get me started on the marlin. It was just hanging out one day, minding it's own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for it's family and WHAM! Harpoon in the brain. Who's the "dream killer" now, fuckface! The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point. Eventually Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and crashes, like I said - He's super tired. The next morning, a group of fisherman gather around Santiago's boat. One measures the skeleton and, holy shit shingles! It's over 18 feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico (Strange that this is the first mention of him) and the other fishermen ask Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man. Manolin brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and they decide to fish together again. Many years later there's a Red Lobster restaurant in nearly every city in America offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking.''
** And the best part? Since this short was shown in cinema screenings of ''Film/{{Logan}}'', [[spoiler:whe whole synopsis was hinting towards Logan's final fate. Deadpool was trying to spoil that movie in five seconds.]]

!!The teaser
* Wade takes a ''[[OverlyLongGag really]]'' long time to put on his costume, and by the time he's done, it turns out that [[BlackComedy the man getting mugged is already dead]].
** The classic Franchise/{{Superman}} theme plays while he's changing into his costume.
* When Deadpool is charging out of the phone booth, Creator/StanLee says "Nice suit!" Deadpool's response? "Zip it, Stan Lee!"
** When he continues his charge, "St. Elmo's Fire" by John Parr plays, which cuts out when he finds the man's body.
* After finding the man's body, Deadpool casually admits that maybe he should've called 911, and then proceeds to ''[[BlackComedy lie down with his head on the man's stomach]]''.

** When he continues his charge, "St. Elmo's Fire" by John Part plays, which cuts out when he finds the man's body.

** When he continues his charge, "St. Elmo's Fire" by John Part posts, which cuts out when he finds the man's body.

* After finding the man's body, Deadpool casually admits that maybe he should've called 911, and then proceeds to ''[[BlackComedy lie down on the man's stomach]]''.

* Wade takes a ''[[OverlyLongGag really]]'' long time to put on his costume, and by the time he's done, [[BlackComedy the man is already dead]].