History Funny / BoardwalkEmpire

-->(to Jimmy) "That's your mother?! I thought she was . . . well, let's just say your life is pretty [[OedipusComplex Jacobean]] all on its own."

* Lucky Luciano goes down to Atlantic City and seduces Gillian, hoping to get information on Jimmy's whereabouts. Due to her youthful age, he doesn't realize she's his mother, ''not'' his wife. He has a priceless look on his face when he ends up being corrected on this by Rothstein during a phone call right after he's had with Gillian.

* Gyp Rosetti [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Q7eTJlX1PA shows up]] wearing a stolen NiceHat from the Revolutionary War, a precious window to [[CloudCuckoolander his mental process]]. His men briefly look at him funny with a mild bewilderment, recollect [[BadBoss the inclinations of the man]] and wisely continue about their business in silence.

-->'''Nucky:''' Et tu, Eli?\\

* Eddie Cantor is being intimidated by Chalky and Purnsley. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isWVb0mbhmY He then proceeds to only make things worse for himself by referring to Chalky as "Milky".]

* Gyp Rosetti's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Q7eTJlX1PA showing up]] wearing a stolen NiceHat from the Revolutionary War, a precious window to [[CloudCuckoolander his mental process]]. His men briefly look at him funny with a mild bewilderment, recollect [[BadBoss the inclinations of the man]] and wisely continue about their business in silence.

** The fact that Van Alden is able to bluff his way into getting the guy out of Atlantic City, first by making up a non-existent type of warrant and paying some homeless guys to pose as his backup]], and then, when it looks like the guy's going to die, he just bursts into a dentist's office and demands the dentist give him a double-shot of cocaine in the mouth to wake him up.

* Fallon, Rothstein's crooked lawyer, is impressed by his client's skill at lying.

** Nucky shows us a particularly entertaining way to get reporters off your back - get Jack Dempsey to (mockingly) demonstrate his left hook on them.

* In "Ourselves, Alone", Lansky and Luciano's tandem OhCrap reactions to Bugsy telling them that Rothstein's outside waiting for them.

* Mrs. Van Alden looks very turned on watching her husband bust a restaurant that's selling liquor. Cut to a bed hammering against the wall...and zoom out to reveal Van Alden is showing her the mattress springs are busted.

'''Arnold Rothstein: I wouldn't think so, considering the company you've been keeping.\\

** The fact that Van Alden is able to bluff his way into getting the guy out of Atlantic City, first by making up a non-existent type of warrant and paying some homeless guys to pose as his backup]], and then, when it looks like the guy's going to die, he just bursts into a dentist's office and demands the dentist give him a double-shot of cocaine in the mouth to wake him up]].

-->'''Jimmy''': It's hard to believe that in a year and a half, things have changed so much.\\

-->'''Van Alden''': I am a married man.\\

* Torrio's {{What An Idiot}} reaction to Al not getting his "Romulus and Remus" joke.

-->'''Mickey''' Mr Rothstein, am I disturbing you?\\

* Eddie Cantor is being intimidated by Chalky and Purnsley. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isWVb0mbhmY He only makes his case worse by referring to Chalky as "Milky"]].

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUoVRGddYrk Eli's speech at the St. Patrick's Day Celtic dinner]], which almost provokes a war between the Americans and the native Irish.

* The look on Lucky Luciano's face when Arnold Rothstein tells him that he's sleeping with Jimmy's mother, ''not'' his wife.
** Rothstein's snarking in that scene is pretty funny, too - "I've got a crystal ball, Charlie, and you're missing your trousers."

** The fact that Van Alden is able to bluff his way into getting the guy out of Atlantic City, first [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIYzSFel8kc by making up a non-existent type of warrant and paying some homeless guys to pose as his backup]], and then, when it looks like the guy's going to die [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLSjkSgMU1ws he just bursts into a dentist's office and demands the dentist give him a double-shot of cocaine in the mouth to wake him up]].

-->'''Lucien D'Alessio''': Fuckin tough guy huh, gonna shoot me for mouthing off?
-->'''Jimmy Darmody''': I wasn't ''going'' to, but you kinda talked me into it. ''[shoots him in the head]''

* Fallon, Rothstein's crooked lawyer, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQ4Wfy9Jr5w is impressed]] by his client's skill at lying.
-->'''Bill Fallon:''' It's not too late to go to law school, Arnold.
-->'''Arnold Rothstein:''' [[EvilLawyerJoke I prefer to make my living honestly]].

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kWomirw1SM Annabelle's attempt to get Nucky to compensate her for the lost money that Harry took from her]].
-->'''Nucky:''' Come on, let's just skip to the part where you say you'll do anything for me.
-->'''Annabelle:''' Oh I would. Draw the curtains and I'll do it right now.
-->'''Nucky:''' What happened to [[CrocodileTears the tears]]?
-->'''Annabelle:''' Ride me like you used to and I'll soak the pillow through.
-->'''Nucky:''' [[DeadpanSnarker I'll keep that one in my pocket]].
-->'''Margaret:''' ''[enters]'' And he will, you know. Mr. Thompson's gift is to never forget who owes him what.
-->'''Nucky:''' It's generally a good principle. ''[motions back to Annabelle]'' Harry found her stash and did a bunk.
-->'''Margaret:''' I know. ''[to Annabelle]'' Did you mention I already gave you $50 myself?
-->'''Nucky:''' I guess we're both a soft touch.

-->'''Jimmy''': It's hard to believe that in a year and a half, things have changed so much.
-->'''Luciano''': Sure, Meyer started shaving.

-->'''Van Alden''': I am a married man.
-->'''Esther''': There goes my dream.

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4v6fEPPMeQ Mrs. Van Alden looks very turned on watching her husband bust a restaurant that's selling liquor.]] Cut to a bed hammering against the wall...and zoom out to reveal Van Alden is showing her the mattress springs are busted.

--->'''Remus''': Remus finds you petty and resentful.
--->'''Nucky''': Well, Remus can [[PrecisionFStrike go fuck himself]].

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyKVYFC5ebM The Commodore's reveal of his newly dyed hair]] prompts some quizzical looks from his underlings.

* A really dark one is the "...''seriously''?" look on Jimmy's face when Manny Horvitz says he can't kill [[spoiler: his associate, Herman]] for conspiring with Nucky...because he's injured. Manny's a kosher butcher, of course. Ain't no rule that he can't order a non-believer to kill him, though.

-->'''Luciano''': Word is, [Nucky]'s got a beef with his brother.
-->'''Rothstein''': I would have thought James Darmody.
-->'''Luciano''': Nah, Darmody ain't got it in him.
-->'''Rothstein''': Pillow talk, Charlie?
-->'''Luciano''': What, his mother? I'm through with that.
-->'''Rothstein''': (nods, then sniffs and has a disgusted expression on his face)
-->'''Lansky''': What's the matter?
-->'''Rothstein''': Manure. But what can you expect when you conduct your business in a stable?

-->'''Doyle''': I put this whole operation together, and what do I receive? A poke up my ass.
-->'''Van Alden''' (deadly serious): Painful.

-->'''Nucky:''' Et tu, Eli?
-->'''Eli:''' Huh?
-->'''Nucky:''' Shakespeare. ''Julius Caesar''.
-->'''Eli:''' There was a character named Eli?

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6S158_5vLc Eddie Cantor and Billie Kent]]'s rendition of "Old King Tut", especially when the camera goes over to the gang bosses watching. Gyp shows up late, carrying the dog of the mechanic he killed earlier. He awkwardly introduces the dog to the bosses, and is about to talk to Nucky about their arrangement when Cantor drags Nucky away to talk to Billie, causing Gyp to promptly say, "That's okay, I wasn't really interested in finishing my thought" without changing his tone of voice.

* In addition to being a SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SLJWcUSJXg Van Alden coming into O'Banion's to sell irons and finding himself accidentally becoming a temporary mob enforcer]] is brilliant, as is O'Banion reacting like "I can't believe that worked" after the situation gets defused. The funniest thing is that Van Alden doesn't actually do anything except stand still, look impassively intimidating, and say as little as possible [[TheStoic (ie exactly what he always does)]].
* Rosetti's BlatantLies at Tabor Heights [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rt49Pj7qZJo when Nucky's convoy stops for gas]]. Rosetti is lying so blatantly that Owen can't keep a straight face.
-->'''Gyp Rosetti:''' I think you've got me mixed up. ''[points to the sign on the station]'' [[BlatantLies I'm uh, D.L. Collingsworth. Proprietor.]]
-->'''Owen Sleater:''' Really?
-->'''Gyp Rosetti:''' Oh yeah. We go way back around here. Slept with UsefulNotes/GeorgeWashington and everything!

* Mickey Doyle is running his distillery and strong-arms a partner by claiming he killed Manny Horvitz (he didn't). One of his delivery boys overhears this and is tasked with taking a crate of whiskey over to the Artemis Club. Richard Harrow, the one who actually killed Manny, is tending bar that night and the errand boy mentions the conversation he overheard. Subsequently, Mickey returns to his apartment with a hooker, but just as they're getting intimate, they turn on the lights [[JumpScare revealing Richard is there, and pointing a gun at them]].[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4896AuqqiJs Richard then marches Mickey out at gunpoint, in his underwear]], [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdaMfbcHqg0 and takes him straight to Nucky]]:
-->'''Mickey''': I didn't kill Manny Horvitz!
-->'''Richard''': He's telling the truth.
-->'''Nucky''': How do you know?
-->'''Richard''': How do you ''think''?

--> '''Lansky:''' He'll be fine.
--> '''Luciano:''' Yeah. Or he'll kill six people.

-->'''Owen''': What's your name?
-->'''Roland''': Lon Chaney. ''[Owen punches him]'' Norma Talmadge. ''[Owen punches him again]'' Creator/BabyPeggy. ''[Owen punches him a third time]''
-->'''Owen''': Roland Smith.
-->'''Roland''': You're mean to children.

-->'''Mickey''' Mr Rothstein, am I disturbing you?
-->'''Rothstein''': [[BrutalHonesty Yes]].

--> '''Nucky''': Big noise from a man who's dead below the waist.\\

-->'''Benny''': They pray to that fat fuck?
-->'''Meyer''': It's a symbol of enlightenment. ([[HypocriticalHumor smashes the head off the statue]]).

* In "The Pony", [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZDfGSea7Bg Eddie barges into Nucky's office]] where Eli and Owen are present with news of [[spoiler: Jimmy's death]]. Nucky immediately dismisses it as speculation until Eddie reveals that it's in the newspaper as a drowning accident. Nucky, Eli and Owen exchange priceless looks of confusion as they try to figure out the cause of this discrepancy.

-->'''Remus''': Remus has paid! Remus has kept recipts!
-->'''Randolph''': Then Randolph would be very interested in seeing them.

* The [[AnOfferYouCantRefuse polite and reassuring]] NewEraSpeech [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wznHaaz485o delivered]] by sociopath extraordinaire Rosetti when he buys the town, "sheriffs will keep on sheriffing, librarians will keep checking out books... because ''it's very important to read.''.." ''([[ThinkOfTheChildren winks jovially]])'' Also, Bible camp's been cancelled, and he's not really doing Q&A either.
-->'''Gyp:''' Bible camp is cancelled, and I'm not really doing ''questions and answers'' right now.

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnv_NISpRWE Van Alden is going door to door]], working for Dean O'Banion who is a gangster and a florist.

--->'''Van Alden:''' Mr. Hewlett?
--->'''Hewlett:''' Yeah? ''[Van Alden punches him in the face]''
--->'''Van Alden:''' ''[in the same, monotone tone he used on the previous two people]'' Mr. O’Banion wants his money. ''[puts his foot down on Hewlett's chest]''
--->'''Hewlett:''' I'll have it tomorrow! I swear!
--->'''Van Alden:''' ''[simply takes the wad of money in Hewlett's pocket]'' Better not to vow than to vow and not pay.

-->'''Van Alden:''' Mr. O'Banion meant no disrespect.
-->'''Al Capone:''' The man's sick. How else is he supposed to take it, huh?
-->*Jake is unconcernedly eating his lunch*

-->'''Van Alden:''' It may just be a bread truck.
-->'''Al Capone:''' I may be kinda hungry.

-->'''Agent:''' You had a pistol up your sleeve.
-->'''Eddie:''' That is for protection.
-->'''Agent:''' Against who?
-->'''Eddie:''' [[DeadpanSnarker Apaches.]]

-->'''Nucky:''' So what are you waiting for? Kill him.
-->'''Rothstein:''' At the very least, I wanted to extend you the courtesy of obtaining your permission.
-->'''Nucky:''' Do I get a cut?
-->'''Rothstein:''' [[{{Irony}} That's a rather callous attitude.]]

-->'''Sigrid:''' Really? This is true?
-->'''Van Alden:''' [[CannotConveySarcasm No. This is sarcasm.]]

-->'''Narcisse:''' 20 pounds, uncut. i will weigh it myself to ensure good measure.
-->'''Rothstein:''' 80,000 in cash. Large bills only.
-->'''Narcisse:''' Why would you expect otherwise?
-->'''Rothstein:''' My understanding, you control the local numbers racket.
-->'''Narcisse:''' Therefore, I transact my business like a schoolboy, dealing in pennies, nickels and dimes?
-->'''Rothstein:''' It was not my intention to offend you.
-->'''Narcisse:''' Nonetheless, you have succeeded despite yourself.

-->'''Nucky:''' They told the Indians they could keep Oklahoma.
-->'''Mickey:''' How'd they get involved in this?

-->'''Al:''' You think I'm stupid?
-->'''Van Alden:''' No successful man is stupid.
-->'''Al:''' Are you successful?
-->'''Van Alden:''' Not really.
-->'''Al:''' Why?
-->'''Van Alden:''' I get the feeling my boss doesn't like me.

-->'''Van Alden:''' ''(to Eli)'' I, for one, refuse to be ruled by fear.
-->'''Sigrid:''' ''Husband!''
-->'''Van Alden:''' ''(jumping to his feet)'' Coming, dear!

-->'''Eli:''' The event you're thinking about? That was an accident. Plain and simple.
-->'''Van Alden:''' You mean like a streetcar hitting a horse? A man getting his head crushed in a metal press? A gas explosion in which bystanders are literally torn limb from limb? That's what your having sexual relations with my wife was like?
-->'''Eli:''' Look I don't know about you, but my life is a fucking shipwreck.
-->'''Van Alden:''' Well, land ho.

-->'''Mike D'Angelo:''' How did you geniuses get that idea?
-->'''Van Alden:''' My wife.
-->'''Mike D'Angelo:''' Your wife told you to rob Al Capone?
-->'''Van Alden:''' We're having trouble at home.
-->'''Eli:''' ''(raises his finger)'' I can vouch for that.

-->'''Margaret:''' What is an Old Rumpus?
-->'''Nucky:''' It's a fearsome beast with the paws of a lion, the belly of a Shriner, and the expense account of a Westinghouse executive.
-->'''Margaret:''' Do the women take everything off?
-->'''Nucky:''' They have to leave little pasties on their...
-->'''Margaret:''' Nipples?
-->'''Nucky:''' Yes, those.
-->'''Margaret:''' And do they kick their legs up ''(raises her leg)'' like this?
-->'''Nucky:''' More or less.
-->'''Margaret:''' You're blushing.
-->'''Nucky:''' I haven't blushed in forty years.
-->'''Margaret:''' You're blushing now.

[[caption-width-right:350:"I never went near him, ''I swear!''"]]

* It's a bit of BlackComedy, but Capone's incredulous reaction to Van Alder just after [[spoiler: he flipped out, assaulted Capone, and was shot.]]

* "[[UsefulNotes/WarrenHarding That imbecile]] is going to be the next President of the United States!"

-->'''Nucky''': [[Literature/UncleTomsCabin Simon Legree]].
-->'''Chalky''': I don't give a fuck they agree or not.

-->'''Woman:''' I can't...
-->'''Dentist:''' Mrs. Fishbaum!
-->'''Van Alden:''' Word for word. This is a federal investigation.
-->'''Woman:''' He said you should fuck your grandmother... with your faggot penis!

-->'''Meyer''': It's a symbol of enlightenment, show a little respect. ([[HypocriticalHumor smashes the head off the statue]]).

---> '''Lansky:''' He'll be fine.
---> '''Luciano:''' Yeah. Or he'll kill six people.

-->'''Nucky:''' It's a fearsome beast with the paws of a lion, the belly of a Shriner, and the expense accountof a Westinghouse executive.